My nephew is morbidly obese. What do I do?
May 18, 2009 7:19 PM Subscribe
For MeFites who've been overweight all their lives and are unhappy about it as adults: What do you wish someone had told you (or demonstrated to you) as a kid?
I posted this in the MeTa thread about fat acceptance/disgust/how to talk about it, but what I wrote really belongs here and so this is the reprint:
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I was just visiting the folks and while I was there my 11-year-old nephew topped 200 pounds. He's a big kid, 5'6" or so, but still... He was so, so upset after he got off the scale. He gets teased, he can't climb three flights of stairs without getting winded, his pediatrician has said he's at risk for Type II diabetes. His dad (my brother) and stepmom know it's a problem; so do my parents. Totally not glandular; he eats too much, most of it crap, and he spends too much time on Wii and the DS. The grownups have made all sort of abortive attempts directed at him ("Get him a Wii-Fit! Order this online diet!") but of course, that doesn't work. In order to make the changes necessary to help him develop better eating and exercise habits, the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening.
It's hard to watch, especially after reading all the comments from MeFites describing lifelong struggles with their weight. When asked, I make suggestions or offer ideas but really, about all I can do is love him, and them. And worry.
***
Is this all I can do? I live 1500 miles away and I'm the gray sheep, the one who left but didn't cut all ties, so my leverage in the family is limited. My nephew (let's call him Billy) is a lovely, interesting and inquisitive person. Billy lives in a small town where he's known as the son of an all-state defensive lineman who played for a year at a massive university/football farm team, until his knee was wrecked.
So there's lots of conflicting messages: BIG IS GOOD. And YOU'LL GROW INTO IT. (He does wear size 13 shoes.) That's not even touching on the emotional meaning of food -- which is part of what I'm asking here. If food=love (which it's always been in my family, and most families), food=default stimulation (he snacks all the time while watching/playing Wii, etc.), bigness=good (massive daddy, massive servings of food)... How do you (how does anyone) go about disconnecting all these wires?
Please tell me. If you could go back to your 11-year-old self, what would you tell that child?
I posted this in the MeTa thread about fat acceptance/disgust/how to talk about it, but what I wrote really belongs here and so this is the reprint:
***
I was just visiting the folks and while I was there my 11-year-old nephew topped 200 pounds. He's a big kid, 5'6" or so, but still... He was so, so upset after he got off the scale. He gets teased, he can't climb three flights of stairs without getting winded, his pediatrician has said he's at risk for Type II diabetes. His dad (my brother) and stepmom know it's a problem; so do my parents. Totally not glandular; he eats too much, most of it crap, and he spends too much time on Wii and the DS. The grownups have made all sort of abortive attempts directed at him ("Get him a Wii-Fit! Order this online diet!") but of course, that doesn't work. In order to make the changes necessary to help him develop better eating and exercise habits, the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening.
It's hard to watch, especially after reading all the comments from MeFites describing lifelong struggles with their weight. When asked, I make suggestions or offer ideas but really, about all I can do is love him, and them. And worry.
***
Is this all I can do? I live 1500 miles away and I'm the gray sheep, the one who left but didn't cut all ties, so my leverage in the family is limited. My nephew (let's call him Billy) is a lovely, interesting and inquisitive person. Billy lives in a small town where he's known as the son of an all-state defensive lineman who played for a year at a massive university/football farm team, until his knee was wrecked.
So there's lots of conflicting messages: BIG IS GOOD. And YOU'LL GROW INTO IT. (He does wear size 13 shoes.) That's not even touching on the emotional meaning of food -- which is part of what I'm asking here. If food=love (which it's always been in my family, and most families), food=default stimulation (he snacks all the time while watching/playing Wii, etc.), bigness=good (massive daddy, massive servings of food)... How do you (how does anyone) go about disconnecting all these wires?
Please tell me. If you could go back to your 11-year-old self, what would you tell that child?
okay- my background: I was always, a big kid (but not super big, like your nephew). When I was 12, I was 5'5', about 170 lb. When I was 14, however, I had shot up to 6', about 170.
It call caught up to me in college, and i finished college at 260 (at 6' 4"). Now I'm back down to 190 again, and am pretty happy with where I'm at.
If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would go back and tell myself is that it's okay not to finish everything. I kind of want my kids to be really, really picky eaters. When I was growing up, my mom made me finish everything, and even to this day, I will mow down everything on my plate.
I remember when I was in 5th grade and we went away to sleep away camp. It was one of those eco camps, and the cabin that wasted the least amount of food got a tree planted in a name they picked. I ate EVERYONE'S leftovers that week- when they tabulated our remaining food, our table had 0 lbs leftover for the whole week! My cabin named the tree after me! (My only claim to fame).
As far as your nephew goes, I don't know what you could do. I would encourage him to play sports as much as possible. Help kee him active in sports, and he'll have a peer group that he can relate to- offensive linemans never get made fun of!
P.S. I also wear size 16 shoes. A blessing and a curse!!
posted by unexpected at 7:34 PM on May 18, 2009 [4 favorites]
It call caught up to me in college, and i finished college at 260 (at 6' 4"). Now I'm back down to 190 again, and am pretty happy with where I'm at.
If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would go back and tell myself is that it's okay not to finish everything. I kind of want my kids to be really, really picky eaters. When I was growing up, my mom made me finish everything, and even to this day, I will mow down everything on my plate.
I remember when I was in 5th grade and we went away to sleep away camp. It was one of those eco camps, and the cabin that wasted the least amount of food got a tree planted in a name they picked. I ate EVERYONE'S leftovers that week- when they tabulated our remaining food, our table had 0 lbs leftover for the whole week! My cabin named the tree after me! (My only claim to fame).
As far as your nephew goes, I don't know what you could do. I would encourage him to play sports as much as possible. Help kee him active in sports, and he'll have a peer group that he can relate to- offensive linemans never get made fun of!
P.S. I also wear size 16 shoes. A blessing and a curse!!
posted by unexpected at 7:34 PM on May 18, 2009 [4 favorites]
about all I can do is love him, and them
This seems accurate to me. Maybe you could make a point of visiting him and hanging out and showing how much he matters to you--without talking about how he needs to change his eating or his exercise habits or whatever. Take him out to, I don't know, a baseball game or a museum (if there's a museum 11-y/o boys would like) or something. I know the distance would make this difficult to do regularly, but if you visit your family at all regularly, maybe you could be sure to carve out at least an afternoon per visit.
I think Ms. Saint has some really, really valuable comments in that MeTa thread about relating to food. This boy surely already understands that eating too much crap is making/keeping him fat. I don't think you need to convince him of that so much as he needs caring people to help him learn the lessons Ms. Saint learned through her nutritionist.
I say all of the above because what helped me most of all as a child (moderately overweight, not as much as your nephew) were the adults who helped me to see value in myself. Not the people who told me "put down the cookie" or "exercise is fun!" but the people who spent time with me and nurtured my interests and talents.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:36 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
This seems accurate to me. Maybe you could make a point of visiting him and hanging out and showing how much he matters to you--without talking about how he needs to change his eating or his exercise habits or whatever. Take him out to, I don't know, a baseball game or a museum (if there's a museum 11-y/o boys would like) or something. I know the distance would make this difficult to do regularly, but if you visit your family at all regularly, maybe you could be sure to carve out at least an afternoon per visit.
I think Ms. Saint has some really, really valuable comments in that MeTa thread about relating to food. This boy surely already understands that eating too much crap is making/keeping him fat. I don't think you need to convince him of that so much as he needs caring people to help him learn the lessons Ms. Saint learned through her nutritionist.
I say all of the above because what helped me most of all as a child (moderately overweight, not as much as your nephew) were the adults who helped me to see value in myself. Not the people who told me "put down the cookie" or "exercise is fun!" but the people who spent time with me and nurtured my interests and talents.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:36 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I wish someone had told me about the benefits of a low-carbohydrate diet and not to waste my time on a low-fat one. For more about this read this Gary Taubes article. I wish I had understood the relationship between insulin and weight gain better, and that losing weight is not merely a matter of willpower but of hormones.
It makes me so sad to see fat people being fed the same bullshit about eating a low-fat diet, and going into a cycle of putting on more and more weight, when so many problems would go away with a low-carb one, especially for those with a family history of diabetes.
posted by peacheater at 7:42 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
It makes me so sad to see fat people being fed the same bullshit about eating a low-fat diet, and going into a cycle of putting on more and more weight, when so many problems would go away with a low-carb one, especially for those with a family history of diabetes.
posted by peacheater at 7:42 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
God, I wish I'd learned that there were ways to exercise outside of team sports and running. I wish someone had showed me kettlebells or weightlifting, odd-object training and intervals and those sorts of things. Something to realize fitness was not just split into "Team Sports," "Running Forever," and "30 Minutes On The Elliptical Followed By 30 Minutes of Weight Machines." Like, really get him out there and show him interesting, different fitness stuff that he's not going to find through dodge-ball and soccer at the gym. Not in the vein of "You are fat so we have to do this" but to find things that he will think are incredibly cool and will want to do for the rest of his life.
If you start getting him involved in these sorts of amateur fitness communities--where the people are doing it for the love of performance, not for aesthetics or because playing football is cool or any of that shit--then he will be immersed in a community of people who will have both the dietary AND exercise knowledge to get him started on a path that will keep him healthy for his whole life.
posted by Anonymous at 7:45 PM on May 18, 2009
If you start getting him involved in these sorts of amateur fitness communities--where the people are doing it for the love of performance, not for aesthetics or because playing football is cool or any of that shit--then he will be immersed in a community of people who will have both the dietary AND exercise knowledge to get him started on a path that will keep him healthy for his whole life.
posted by Anonymous at 7:45 PM on May 18, 2009
(Also, seconding what peacheater says about low-carb, though I don't know if pushing diets on an 11-year-old is going to work)
posted by Anonymous at 7:46 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 7:46 PM on May 18, 2009
(Also, seconding what peacheater says about low-carb, though I don't know if pushing diets on an 11-year-old is going to work)
Thirding with the caveat that if he brings it up his frustration with his weight with you, perhaps you could give him a copy of South Beach so he at least understands what to eat. Kids have enormous influence over what their families buy and eat. Be there for him and learn about it yourself so you can help him if he asks.
posted by txvtchick at 7:53 PM on May 18, 2009
Thirding with the caveat that if he brings it up his frustration with his weight with you, perhaps you could give him a copy of South Beach so he at least understands what to eat. Kids have enormous influence over what their families buy and eat. Be there for him and learn about it yourself so you can help him if he asks.
posted by txvtchick at 7:53 PM on May 18, 2009
There is nothing I could have told my 11-year-old self that would have made him, and therefore later me, any less fat. For people who run to fat, the only counter to being fat is regular exercise, and if you're already fat, exercise is in no way pleasant - it's a requirement imposed by grownups that needs to be endured. I have yet to meet an 11-year-old kid who, given a choice between enduring something unpleasant and finding creative ways to avoid enduring it, will fail to exercise that creativity. Hell, I'm 47 now and I still find frequent excuses not to go for my daily walks.
I don't know of any way to improve an 11-year-old kid's dietary and exercise habits other than making changes to the environment that supports his present habits. So, don't concentrate on the kid. Do your best to sell the adults that surround him on the benefits of fresh food and exercise.
On preview: in my experience, moderate reduction in my carbohydrate intake has indeed always given me better results than paying attention to either total calorie consumption or to fat consumption. But diet is really secondary; exercise is key. If I'm not moving enough, fooling with my diet will just make my weight yoyo; if I am moving enough, I find that this leads my eating habits down healthier paths without my having to concentrate on it.
In order to make the changes necessary to help him develop better eating and exercise habits, the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening.
Then worrying about food will get you nowhere, and you need to concentrate on the exercise angle. Swapping the DS for a Wii Fit is actually not such a stupid idea. Neither is buying him a totally kick-ass recumbent bicycle.
posted by flabdablet at 7:56 PM on May 18, 2009
I don't know of any way to improve an 11-year-old kid's dietary and exercise habits other than making changes to the environment that supports his present habits. So, don't concentrate on the kid. Do your best to sell the adults that surround him on the benefits of fresh food and exercise.
On preview: in my experience, moderate reduction in my carbohydrate intake has indeed always given me better results than paying attention to either total calorie consumption or to fat consumption. But diet is really secondary; exercise is key. If I'm not moving enough, fooling with my diet will just make my weight yoyo; if I am moving enough, I find that this leads my eating habits down healthier paths without my having to concentrate on it.
In order to make the changes necessary to help him develop better eating and exercise habits, the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening.
Then worrying about food will get you nowhere, and you need to concentrate on the exercise angle. Swapping the DS for a Wii Fit is actually not such a stupid idea. Neither is buying him a totally kick-ass recumbent bicycle.
posted by flabdablet at 7:56 PM on May 18, 2009
Buy him a bike. Or a dog. Anything that gets him outside having fun and that is not going to subject him to being teased by other kids like team sports probably will. Teach him to play frisbee golf or regular golf or anything that you two can do together on an irregular basis that he will enjoy. Teach him that exercise is not some horrible punishment for being fat, but something enjoyable that lots of people do by choice.
posted by fshgrl at 7:58 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by fshgrl at 7:58 PM on May 18, 2009
Flabdablet, for what it's worth, research shows changing diet to be more important than exercise.
posted by Anonymous at 8:00 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 8:00 PM on May 18, 2009
I, too, wish someone had shown me some fitness activities that aren't based around competitive sports. Through ages 7 until 13 or so, I actually enjoyed sports. I enjoyed baseball, basketball, soccer, swimming, cycling. I was completely, totally crap at them all, but I enjoyed them. I stopped enjoying them at about the point when being good at them started to matter - once other kids started giving me shit for not knowing the rules properly, once other kids started getting picked for higher divisions where I was stuck where I was, I basically figured I wasn't cut out for competitive sports, and gave up on the whole deal. Which was a bad move.
posted by Jimbob at 8:02 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Jimbob at 8:02 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Definitely have to second the low carb. I also wish someone told me about HIIT, since it appears to be the only form of exercise that results in fat loss of any significance. I was doing tons of medium intensity aerobics and jogging that was probably not helpful at all.
I really, really wish that someone had told me that low calorie diets only make you fatter in the long term because they screw up your insulin, screw up your leptin, make your body build extra fat cells, and probably also mess up your glands (though the last one doesn't seem to be scientifically confirmed as of now). When I was his age, I was always on a diet. 600 calorie a day diets, and when that didn't work, even 300 calories a day. If only someone had told me that I was going through that awful experience just to make things even worse.
This apparently isn't what the kid is doing, since you say he is overeating. But I imagine it could be and I would like him to be warned before it happens. There will definitely be people in his life trying to pressure him into a low calorie diet.
Another thing I wish I knew was that it's not my fault that I couldn't lose weight. It wasn't because of a lack of discipline. It was because I was doing it wrong. A low carb diet takes far, far less discipline than a low calorie diet. But unlike low calorie diets, it actually makes me lose weight because it fixes hormonal problems that happen in those of us who are carb sensitive.
It seems more and more likely, according to the research I've seen, that overeating is a symptom of obesity rather than a cause. People overeat because they are hungry, and they get hungry because their body thinks that they are not storing enough fat. For books that sum up all this research I've mentioned, try Good Calories, Bad Calories, Rethinking Thin, and The Rosedale Diet.
posted by giggleknickers at 8:10 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
I really, really wish that someone had told me that low calorie diets only make you fatter in the long term because they screw up your insulin, screw up your leptin, make your body build extra fat cells, and probably also mess up your glands (though the last one doesn't seem to be scientifically confirmed as of now). When I was his age, I was always on a diet. 600 calorie a day diets, and when that didn't work, even 300 calories a day. If only someone had told me that I was going through that awful experience just to make things even worse.
This apparently isn't what the kid is doing, since you say he is overeating. But I imagine it could be and I would like him to be warned before it happens. There will definitely be people in his life trying to pressure him into a low calorie diet.
Another thing I wish I knew was that it's not my fault that I couldn't lose weight. It wasn't because of a lack of discipline. It was because I was doing it wrong. A low carb diet takes far, far less discipline than a low calorie diet. But unlike low calorie diets, it actually makes me lose weight because it fixes hormonal problems that happen in those of us who are carb sensitive.
It seems more and more likely, according to the research I've seen, that overeating is a symptom of obesity rather than a cause. People overeat because they are hungry, and they get hungry because their body thinks that they are not storing enough fat. For books that sum up all this research I've mentioned, try Good Calories, Bad Calories, Rethinking Thin, and The Rosedale Diet.
posted by giggleknickers at 8:10 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
I've always been a chunky girl (or at least, never a skinny girl, except that one summer when I crash dieted because I thought I was fat). What I wish I had been told is that I was never fat. I remember being teased by family, because I was 13, 5'3" (the same height I am now), and 125 lbs. Sure at that height I wasn't skinny, but I don't think I was ever really fat - though at the time I was soooo certain of this that I pursued aforementioned crash dieting. Not really a great idea.
Anyway. I mention this because like a lot of people who have weight issues that are directly related to food, somewhere along the way, someone fucked with or misled their body perceptions. They messed with your nephew's conception of what's a good range for a 11 year old boy at his height and age predicament.
Please do not, ever, tell your nephew that he has a problem - that he's problematic, that he screwed up, or that this is his fault (even though he plays video games a lot and eats crappy food). Because he's still a kid, and somewhere along the way he just learned what was ok to do and live like. Like you said, his parents "omfg get him on a diet!" attempts have not worked - and it will never, sustainably, work.
If I could go back to my 13 year old self or this 11 year child, I would *not* tell either of them what a fat tub of problematic lard they are, but try to coach them into a much more understanding approach of saying something like:
"(person's-name) - I'm sorry that people have made you feel like there's something wrong with you, and that this is your fault. You should not ever have to hear that. You're (compliment compliment compliment). Somewhere along the way, someone treated you disrespectfully to make you think that you are (bad, lazy, etc), but I and others know that this isn't true. Those (compliment compliment compliment) things about you? I want to have this awesomeness that is you around for a long long time. I don't want you to be skinny. I just want you to be healthy."
Don't pity the kid. Don't treat him like he's a special snowflake that needs help. Treat him like a friend, like equals. Be frank, be supportive, and he will hopefully grow to trust you in a way that is just impossible with parents - even with distance. Give him multiple ways to contact you.
Then, it may take some time, but then you can move towards recommending choices of balance - not cutting out anything, but balance, to tell him that there is no forbidden - in food or activity - just a give and take of everything. And this isn't about being skinny - it's about him being healthy (though some weightloss may be inevitable).
posted by raztaj at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Anyway. I mention this because like a lot of people who have weight issues that are directly related to food, somewhere along the way, someone fucked with or misled their body perceptions. They messed with your nephew's conception of what's a good range for a 11 year old boy at his height and age predicament.
Please do not, ever, tell your nephew that he has a problem - that he's problematic, that he screwed up, or that this is his fault (even though he plays video games a lot and eats crappy food). Because he's still a kid, and somewhere along the way he just learned what was ok to do and live like. Like you said, his parents "omfg get him on a diet!" attempts have not worked - and it will never, sustainably, work.
If I could go back to my 13 year old self or this 11 year child, I would *not* tell either of them what a fat tub of problematic lard they are, but try to coach them into a much more understanding approach of saying something like:
"(person's-name) - I'm sorry that people have made you feel like there's something wrong with you, and that this is your fault. You should not ever have to hear that. You're (compliment compliment compliment). Somewhere along the way, someone treated you disrespectfully to make you think that you are (bad, lazy, etc), but I and others know that this isn't true. Those (compliment compliment compliment) things about you? I want to have this awesomeness that is you around for a long long time. I don't want you to be skinny. I just want you to be healthy."
Don't pity the kid. Don't treat him like he's a special snowflake that needs help. Treat him like a friend, like equals. Be frank, be supportive, and he will hopefully grow to trust you in a way that is just impossible with parents - even with distance. Give him multiple ways to contact you.
Then, it may take some time, but then you can move towards recommending choices of balance - not cutting out anything, but balance, to tell him that there is no forbidden - in food or activity - just a give and take of everything. And this isn't about being skinny - it's about him being healthy (though some weightloss may be inevitable).
posted by raztaj at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
Do your best to sell the adults that surround him on the benefits of fresh food and exercise.
That would be the surest way to change but given how the home situation is it sounds like there is not going to be any selling going on.
dogrose, I have no experience with your nephews situation but as a child I was fortunate to have cousins ~10 years older who were involved in my life and made a significant difference. I can not overstate the importance of being accessible and available to your nephew, no matter what kind of tension that could create with your brother and sister-in-law. Children in difficult situations need responsible adults who love them to take an interest in their lives. Bless you.
posted by mlis at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2009
That would be the surest way to change but given how the home situation is it sounds like there is not going to be any selling going on.
dogrose, I have no experience with your nephews situation but as a child I was fortunate to have cousins ~10 years older who were involved in my life and made a significant difference. I can not overstate the importance of being accessible and available to your nephew, no matter what kind of tension that could create with your brother and sister-in-law. Children in difficult situations need responsible adults who love them to take an interest in their lives. Bless you.
posted by mlis at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2009
1) When I was 11, I would've liked to know that was not OK to eat as much as I was eating. My parents saw me snacking, they knew I instinctively went for the richest foods available, but they sill made sure I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner in addition to whatever else I ate. If I was to be deprived dinner every time I went and cooked myself a substantial meal after school, I would've learned much better.
2) Exercise can be disguised as other things, chores and games that are not exercise for their own sake, but require physical exertion. To earn my allowance, I had to mow the lawn and take out the trash. If I had to use a push mower rather than a riding mower, and if I had to carry the trash cans down the driveway rather than rolling it, I would've gotten more exercise. If more of his daily life requires him to be active, it goes a long way.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
2) Exercise can be disguised as other things, chores and games that are not exercise for their own sake, but require physical exertion. To earn my allowance, I had to mow the lawn and take out the trash. If I had to use a push mower rather than a riding mower, and if I had to carry the trash cans down the driveway rather than rolling it, I would've gotten more exercise. If more of his daily life requires him to be active, it goes a long way.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food
that is really what is necessary.
i have always been fat. fat as a kid, fat as a teenager, fat as an adult. i wasn't over 200 until college, but still, fat.
i got teased and ridiculed by teachers, peers, extended family members, strangers. my mom was fat (but only after she got pregnant with me) and my dad was, while not fat, because he was 6'6", overweight. all three of us had horrible eating habits. yes, we had three squares, and they were relatively healthy (for the 80s) but we also had tons of snacks (though we never, and i mean never, had a dessert with a meal. weird.).
kids learn their eating and health habits from their family. i truly believe that 95% of the reason i was fat as a kid was because i learned shit eating habits from my parents AND because they kept shit food in the house (even hiding it didn't work because i was fucking dedicated to finding the little debbies).
sometime in elementary school, around about the time i was getting 14 minute miles in gym class and sucking at all that presidential fitness bullshit and completely unable to climb the rope or do a pullup, my dad got it in my head that i should start running. so he charted out a one mile route in the neighborhood and told me to run it. he would walk or bike alongside. i don't remember how long that lasted, but i know all it did was make me feel bad, because i couldn't run a fucking 6 minute mile like the kid in my class could and it obviously made my parents ashamed of me. (did it? i don't know, but that's how it felt when i was trotting along in the gravel in my velcro hi-tops.)
then sometime in middle school dad sat me down and asked me why i thought i was so fat. by this time he'd gotten on some kind of health kick and had gotten his weight down. mom and i were still fat. dad still ate a lot of snacky things, but he was active as hell, so that's how he lost and kept off the weight. mom and i were sedentary snackers. my response to him was that they'd taught me bad eating habits. he brushed that aside.
yes, i was miserable and used food as an emotional crutch. yes, i ate because i was bored/sad/mad/happy. yes, i binged when i babysat kids with walk-in pantries full of goodies. but i learned a lot of that behavior from my parents. and by the time dad got his shit together, it was ingrained.
i had everyone in my life, plus all of society, telling me that being fat was bad. i hated myself for being fat. but i just couldn't stop eating. therapy might have helped. having any sense of self worth might have helped. not having shit food in the house might have helped.
now, as a fat adult, i take total responsibility for my current fatness. i eat too much crap and i don't get anywhere near enough exercise. sure, i have some gentic stuff tipping me towards fat, but it's 90% my fault now that i'm a fat ass.
it's hard for kids to lose weight when they don't have a supportive family base. they have to have an insane amount of self-respect, self-discipline, and self-control. and not a lot of kids have that. so, if, as you say, the kid's family isn't going to change their ways, he isn't going to change his, at least not now.
i don't think there's much you can do to help him lose weight, especially at such a big distance. don't ridicule him. don't send him clippings of diet tips. don't send him "low fat" recipes. if you do talk about it with him, talk about the HEALTH aspects of being fat. do you have a family member who died from fat-related disease? explain that to him. explain to him how much diabetes sucks. don't say HE sucks for being fat, but that FAT sucks in general. society (tv, magazines, friends) mostly come at fat=bad from an appearance angle. don't do that. he already knows he's fat and therefor ugly (in the eyes of society). all you can really do is be nice to him when everyone else is being a douche to him because he's fat.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:24 PM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
that is really what is necessary.
i have always been fat. fat as a kid, fat as a teenager, fat as an adult. i wasn't over 200 until college, but still, fat.
i got teased and ridiculed by teachers, peers, extended family members, strangers. my mom was fat (but only after she got pregnant with me) and my dad was, while not fat, because he was 6'6", overweight. all three of us had horrible eating habits. yes, we had three squares, and they were relatively healthy (for the 80s) but we also had tons of snacks (though we never, and i mean never, had a dessert with a meal. weird.).
kids learn their eating and health habits from their family. i truly believe that 95% of the reason i was fat as a kid was because i learned shit eating habits from my parents AND because they kept shit food in the house (even hiding it didn't work because i was fucking dedicated to finding the little debbies).
sometime in elementary school, around about the time i was getting 14 minute miles in gym class and sucking at all that presidential fitness bullshit and completely unable to climb the rope or do a pullup, my dad got it in my head that i should start running. so he charted out a one mile route in the neighborhood and told me to run it. he would walk or bike alongside. i don't remember how long that lasted, but i know all it did was make me feel bad, because i couldn't run a fucking 6 minute mile like the kid in my class could and it obviously made my parents ashamed of me. (did it? i don't know, but that's how it felt when i was trotting along in the gravel in my velcro hi-tops.)
then sometime in middle school dad sat me down and asked me why i thought i was so fat. by this time he'd gotten on some kind of health kick and had gotten his weight down. mom and i were still fat. dad still ate a lot of snacky things, but he was active as hell, so that's how he lost and kept off the weight. mom and i were sedentary snackers. my response to him was that they'd taught me bad eating habits. he brushed that aside.
yes, i was miserable and used food as an emotional crutch. yes, i ate because i was bored/sad/mad/happy. yes, i binged when i babysat kids with walk-in pantries full of goodies. but i learned a lot of that behavior from my parents. and by the time dad got his shit together, it was ingrained.
i had everyone in my life, plus all of society, telling me that being fat was bad. i hated myself for being fat. but i just couldn't stop eating. therapy might have helped. having any sense of self worth might have helped. not having shit food in the house might have helped.
now, as a fat adult, i take total responsibility for my current fatness. i eat too much crap and i don't get anywhere near enough exercise. sure, i have some gentic stuff tipping me towards fat, but it's 90% my fault now that i'm a fat ass.
it's hard for kids to lose weight when they don't have a supportive family base. they have to have an insane amount of self-respect, self-discipline, and self-control. and not a lot of kids have that. so, if, as you say, the kid's family isn't going to change their ways, he isn't going to change his, at least not now.
i don't think there's much you can do to help him lose weight, especially at such a big distance. don't ridicule him. don't send him clippings of diet tips. don't send him "low fat" recipes. if you do talk about it with him, talk about the HEALTH aspects of being fat. do you have a family member who died from fat-related disease? explain that to him. explain to him how much diabetes sucks. don't say HE sucks for being fat, but that FAT sucks in general. society (tv, magazines, friends) mostly come at fat=bad from an appearance angle. don't do that. he already knows he's fat and therefor ugly (in the eyes of society). all you can really do is be nice to him when everyone else is being a douche to him because he's fat.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:24 PM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]
I am not a doctor or a nutritionist. Please, please, please do not encourage an 11 year old to go on the South Beach Diet.
posted by Simon! at 8:46 PM on May 18, 2009 [5 favorites]
posted by Simon! at 8:46 PM on May 18, 2009 [5 favorites]
Teach kids to count calories, especially with fast food and junk food, and explain that fast food and junk food, while fun and tasty to eat, is also harmful.
Limit the number of calories of fast food kids can eat each week. Have kids track the number of calories of fast food they eat each week on the fridge, and have them be aware when they cross an acceptable threshold (2100 calories a week would mean 300 calories of fast food a day, which is pretty normal for an average, healthy kid), such as using a graph.
Breast feed your kid from an early age (this reduces obesity).
Do activities together as a family, such as hiking, playing soccer.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:49 PM on May 18, 2009
Limit the number of calories of fast food kids can eat each week. Have kids track the number of calories of fast food they eat each week on the fridge, and have them be aware when they cross an acceptable threshold (2100 calories a week would mean 300 calories of fast food a day, which is pretty normal for an average, healthy kid), such as using a graph.
Breast feed your kid from an early age (this reduces obesity).
Do activities together as a family, such as hiking, playing soccer.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:49 PM on May 18, 2009
schroedinger, as far as I know, most of the respectable research shows clearly that dietary changes and exercise combined is the most effective way to regain a healthy body fat content; for what it's worth, my own personal experience is that focusing on exercise makes diet fall into line, but focusing on diet doesn't make exercise do likewise.
posted by flabdablet at 9:02 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by flabdablet at 9:02 PM on May 18, 2009
When I was at the same age your nephew is now, I had a tight group of friends that made it easier to insulate myself from the teasing and ridicule. When I hit high school, I stayed friends with some of those kids, but we scattered to different schools and different social groups. My advice would be: encourage your nephew into activities, anything that will put him into contact with other kids who like the same things. Sports, scouting, music, art, anything. Getting into the vicious circle of loneliness and low self-esteem can make the problem more acute and drive him further into bad habits.
posted by lemonwheel at 9:37 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by lemonwheel at 9:37 PM on May 18, 2009
Simon, whole grains, leafy veggies, lean meat, reduced carbs, reduced sugar, reading the labels, explaining diabetes in layman's terms...what am I missing? I mentioned it because as a kid, I had no idea how to eat healthfully - it's one of the things I would have liked to know.
Again with the caveat of bringing up diet if he asks for help rather than pushing it on him.
posted by txvtchick at 9:45 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
Again with the caveat of bringing up diet if he asks for help rather than pushing it on him.
posted by txvtchick at 9:45 PM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]
One thing that I'm only realising now is that if you take regular exercise, for the first few weeks, yes, it might feel like a chore and you have to force yourself to do it -- but once you hit a certain point (endorphins or whatever) you really do start to enjoy it and look forward to doing it.
It probably seems crazy to that kid that one day he might look forward to a ten-mile walk or whatever, but once you hit that point it happens.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 10:11 PM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
It probably seems crazy to that kid that one day he might look forward to a ten-mile walk or whatever, but once you hit that point it happens.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 10:11 PM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]
I was fat as a kid, thin for a little while, then got fat again.
I spent a while trying to come up with advice for you. It's hard, because I have no clue why your nephew has a weight problem. It could be that he just doesn't know how to eat right, and really could just use some advice about calories, fats, and diets in general.... But it certainly wasn't for lack of knowledge that I was fat as a kid.
Really, looking back, the ONLY thing I wish someone had done for me was take me to a frikken' therapist. It flabbergasts me that no one did. I wonder if my life may have been significantly better, if only someone had taken my seriously unhealthy relationship with food as a kid and seen it as a symptom of a deep, terrible sadness.
Like I said, I don't know your nephew. I don't know his circumstances, and maybe you aren't close enough to him, either, to know if he would need the same type of help that I did when I was young.... But, God, I needed help. I really, really needed it. I wish someone had, instead of just teaching me about another diet plan or another way that exercise is good, had tried to give me the emotional tools I didn't have and the lack of which I needed food to cope with.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:29 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
I spent a while trying to come up with advice for you. It's hard, because I have no clue why your nephew has a weight problem. It could be that he just doesn't know how to eat right, and really could just use some advice about calories, fats, and diets in general.... But it certainly wasn't for lack of knowledge that I was fat as a kid.
Really, looking back, the ONLY thing I wish someone had done for me was take me to a frikken' therapist. It flabbergasts me that no one did. I wonder if my life may have been significantly better, if only someone had taken my seriously unhealthy relationship with food as a kid and seen it as a symptom of a deep, terrible sadness.
Like I said, I don't know your nephew. I don't know his circumstances, and maybe you aren't close enough to him, either, to know if he would need the same type of help that I did when I was young.... But, God, I needed help. I really, really needed it. I wish someone had, instead of just teaching me about another diet plan or another way that exercise is good, had tried to give me the emotional tools I didn't have and the lack of which I needed food to cope with.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:29 PM on May 18, 2009 [7 favorites]
Exercise does not begin and end with sports. If someone had told me that exercise can mean wandering around in the woods, I would have been happier and skinnier.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:34 PM on May 18, 2009
posted by Foam Pants at 10:34 PM on May 18, 2009
Competitive/rough sports aren't for everyone - but don't let that be an excuse to "just accept" that it's not for him?
If he can get into something, indeed, like football, that will infinitely help. I was a 5'6" ish kid at 15, and 187lb. This was my weight at the beginning of the football season. At the end of the season, I was 165lb, and an inch or two taller, and had added muscle mass.
Not to mention the self-esteem and social benefits that will come out of that.
Schroedinger/flabdablet: I agree with both of you. Exercise seems to straighten out diet on its own, but just from a straight up mathematical standpoint, cutting out that 500cal Big Mac is more probable than ... I dunno, the very long time that it takes to burn 500cal, for example, on a treadmill.
posted by demagogue at 10:47 PM on May 18, 2009
If he can get into something, indeed, like football, that will infinitely help. I was a 5'6" ish kid at 15, and 187lb. This was my weight at the beginning of the football season. At the end of the season, I was 165lb, and an inch or two taller, and had added muscle mass.
Not to mention the self-esteem and social benefits that will come out of that.
Schroedinger/flabdablet: I agree with both of you. Exercise seems to straighten out diet on its own, but just from a straight up mathematical standpoint, cutting out that 500cal Big Mac is more probable than ... I dunno, the very long time that it takes to burn 500cal, for example, on a treadmill.
posted by demagogue at 10:47 PM on May 18, 2009
Eating junk food activates the same pleasure centers in the brain that are activated through exercise, so a little activity in your life can really make a big difference in just how easy it is to make good food choices. If you're not chasing the chemical high that comes from eating a jar of Nutella, then you can better control your consumption.
Beyond that, recognize that being fat means that it is almost certain that he is constantly being made to feel like he is worthless and an outsider. This can lead to some destructive cycles, as that feeling of worthlessness is abated by eating more junk food.
Try making him feel like you care about him without regard to his weight, then he'll feel better about himself and that might lead to him making choices that reflect some new found self-confidence. (And don't say, "I love you even though you're fat," that sounds like nothing more than, "You are disgusting but I'm related to you, so I have to pretend like you're worthy of human emotions.")
As far as diet goes, he's 11, so he's probably not making the decisions as to what is in the house. If his parents aren't going to get on board themselves, then he's going to face a minefield at every meal (and in between).
posted by paperzach at 11:19 PM on May 18, 2009
Beyond that, recognize that being fat means that it is almost certain that he is constantly being made to feel like he is worthless and an outsider. This can lead to some destructive cycles, as that feeling of worthlessness is abated by eating more junk food.
Try making him feel like you care about him without regard to his weight, then he'll feel better about himself and that might lead to him making choices that reflect some new found self-confidence. (And don't say, "I love you even though you're fat," that sounds like nothing more than, "You are disgusting but I'm related to you, so I have to pretend like you're worthy of human emotions.")
As far as diet goes, he's 11, so he's probably not making the decisions as to what is in the house. If his parents aren't going to get on board themselves, then he's going to face a minefield at every meal (and in between).
posted by paperzach at 11:19 PM on May 18, 2009
Changes with the parent's lifestyles are probably the most effective, long term solution. The only way I've lost weight, is to move out of my parents house, start buying my own groceries and cooking my own meals. Neither of these sound like options for you.
He probably resents the people trying to get him on diets. When you're the fat kid in elementary school, there's no way it's your choice, or your fault, but you get all the consequences. Of course, there's an important distinction between fault, and responsibility. As he gets older and more aware of himself, he's going to realize that he is the only one that can control what he eats an how he takes care of his health. Aside from hoping a sudden epiphany of this strikes him, education is probably the best route. It sounds like you're not really in the position to do this. Perhaps a community center has nutrition courses offered this summer? A book on portion control? Maybe even a healthy cooking class, something you could do together?
The real meat (forgive the pun) of your question, is how to re-wire the emotional ties to food. That may require more emotional awareness than an 11 year-old has. How many adults do you know go all squishy when you offer them brussels sprouts, or get misty-eyed talking about mom's pecan pie? While the emotional ties to food are strong, I'm gonna say, leave those be for now. I'm not sure you'd be in the position to help him out with that, and it's a real hot wire. Hope he grows into a mature, rational, self-aware, human being, and he'll be able to recognize that food doesn't = love. Food = food. Mom's cooking/family meals is love, for the conversation and togetherness shared, not calories consumed.
On top of it, this kid's being told he's going to be a great athlete with all that weight. Again, you're probably not in a position to be challenging that programing. Assuming he's got some interest in being strong, something many people don't know, possibly including him, is that fat people, who haven't been crash dieting, are strong. There's muscle moving those 200lbs everywhere. Muscle = metabolism. Jogging, running, etc, will burn calories, but won't build much muscle, and may lead to injury for him. A better solution would be weight lifting or strength training*. He'll be good at it, he'll see his strength improve. If he wants to start looking as strong as he know he is, sensible diet is the next step. If this is something he chooses to achieve results, getting less food won't = less love. It'll be getting results.
All in all, if parent's lifestyle change isn't an option, the change is going to have to start with himself.
* I would be concerned about body-image media within these activities. Perhaps there's a kid friendly gym, like the YMCA, that's sensitive to this. And of course, injury is possible here as well. He'll need supervision and instruction.
posted by fontophilic at 11:25 PM on May 18, 2009
He probably resents the people trying to get him on diets. When you're the fat kid in elementary school, there's no way it's your choice, or your fault, but you get all the consequences. Of course, there's an important distinction between fault, and responsibility. As he gets older and more aware of himself, he's going to realize that he is the only one that can control what he eats an how he takes care of his health. Aside from hoping a sudden epiphany of this strikes him, education is probably the best route. It sounds like you're not really in the position to do this. Perhaps a community center has nutrition courses offered this summer? A book on portion control? Maybe even a healthy cooking class, something you could do together?
The real meat (forgive the pun) of your question, is how to re-wire the emotional ties to food. That may require more emotional awareness than an 11 year-old has. How many adults do you know go all squishy when you offer them brussels sprouts, or get misty-eyed talking about mom's pecan pie? While the emotional ties to food are strong, I'm gonna say, leave those be for now. I'm not sure you'd be in the position to help him out with that, and it's a real hot wire. Hope he grows into a mature, rational, self-aware, human being, and he'll be able to recognize that food doesn't = love. Food = food. Mom's cooking/family meals is love, for the conversation and togetherness shared, not calories consumed.
On top of it, this kid's being told he's going to be a great athlete with all that weight. Again, you're probably not in a position to be challenging that programing. Assuming he's got some interest in being strong, something many people don't know, possibly including him, is that fat people, who haven't been crash dieting, are strong. There's muscle moving those 200lbs everywhere. Muscle = metabolism. Jogging, running, etc, will burn calories, but won't build much muscle, and may lead to injury for him. A better solution would be weight lifting or strength training*. He'll be good at it, he'll see his strength improve. If he wants to start looking as strong as he know he is, sensible diet is the next step. If this is something he chooses to achieve results, getting less food won't = less love. It'll be getting results.
All in all, if parent's lifestyle change isn't an option, the change is going to have to start with himself.
* I would be concerned about body-image media within these activities. Perhaps there's a kid friendly gym, like the YMCA, that's sensitive to this. And of course, injury is possible here as well. He'll need supervision and instruction.
posted by fontophilic at 11:25 PM on May 18, 2009
I wish someone would have told me that it was never going to get any easier. I control my weight - I control how much I eat and how much I exercise. (Assumes no medical reason for excess fat.)
At 11, I really, really thought that my struggles with my weight were going to evaporate. They weren't going anywhere until I accepted control of the issue.
posted by 26.2 at 11:27 PM on May 18, 2009
At 11, I really, really thought that my struggles with my weight were going to evaporate. They weren't going anywhere until I accepted control of the issue.
posted by 26.2 at 11:27 PM on May 18, 2009
cutting out that 500cal Big Mac is more probable than ... I dunno, the very long time that it takes to burn 500cal, for example, on a treadmill
It's all about the basal metabolic rate. The direct effects of exercise are, as you point out, not going to compensate for much extra food. But adding muscle mass to an unfit body can easily persuade it to burn an extra 500cal every day without even breaking a sweat.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on May 19, 2009
It's all about the basal metabolic rate. The direct effects of exercise are, as you point out, not going to compensate for much extra food. But adding muscle mass to an unfit body can easily persuade it to burn an extra 500cal every day without even breaking a sweat.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on May 19, 2009
Maybe you could encourage your family to take a HAES (Health at Every Size) approach. That is, encourage healthy eating and exercise for their own benefits, not as a means to weight loss.
My parents made me go on a diet when I was 8 or so and it completely messed up my attitude to food and, I believe, just made me fatter. (Food suddenly became a prize, something to sneak and eat secretly and lie about, rather than just being something that tasted nice and I could eat if I felt like it. I ended up eating more whenever I had the opportunity, whether I even wanted to or not, and I still have a pretty messed up attitude to food.)
But anyway, being constantly singled out in my family as 'on a diet' was horrible, and it didn't help that I had an older brother who'd happily eat two chocolate bars in a row in front of me. (He probably didn't do it purposefully to taunt me, rather just because he could and still stay stick thin, but that's how it felt at the time.) So please don't put your nephew on some draconian diet.
I know you said that "the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening." But really, it sounds like they could all use a move towards healthier eating and exercise, whether they're overweight or not. So if they make a gradual family effort to take on the principles of HAES, then your nephew won't feel singled out as some horrible fat beast, they might all be a little healthier, and your nephew may lose weight. (Or he may not, but you don't care what size clothes he wears, you just want him to be healthier, right?)
And doing things as a family is fun! Having a nice country walk on the weekends as a family is great exercise, but it's not the type of thing to make him loathe all forms of exercise on principle, like forced solo attempts at jogging might be.
posted by badmoonrising at 4:03 AM on May 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
My parents made me go on a diet when I was 8 or so and it completely messed up my attitude to food and, I believe, just made me fatter. (Food suddenly became a prize, something to sneak and eat secretly and lie about, rather than just being something that tasted nice and I could eat if I felt like it. I ended up eating more whenever I had the opportunity, whether I even wanted to or not, and I still have a pretty messed up attitude to food.)
But anyway, being constantly singled out in my family as 'on a diet' was horrible, and it didn't help that I had an older brother who'd happily eat two chocolate bars in a row in front of me. (He probably didn't do it purposefully to taunt me, rather just because he could and still stay stick thin, but that's how it felt at the time.) So please don't put your nephew on some draconian diet.
I know you said that "the whole extended family would have to change the way they eat, what they buy, their entire attitude toward food—and that ain't happening." But really, it sounds like they could all use a move towards healthier eating and exercise, whether they're overweight or not. So if they make a gradual family effort to take on the principles of HAES, then your nephew won't feel singled out as some horrible fat beast, they might all be a little healthier, and your nephew may lose weight. (Or he may not, but you don't care what size clothes he wears, you just want him to be healthier, right?)
And doing things as a family is fun! Having a nice country walk on the weekends as a family is great exercise, but it's not the type of thing to make him loathe all forms of exercise on principle, like forced solo attempts at jogging might be.
posted by badmoonrising at 4:03 AM on May 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
That exercise isn't something you do because you like it, or you're good at it. Healthy people exercise everyday (pretty much). Can you model that? Even from a distance. Not that he shouldn't try and find exercise that he likes, just that everyone should.
And, if he asks, offer him a basic sensible diet book that explains things like metabolism and eating too little etc. and calories and biochemistry, Jillian Michaels has a diet book, if he likes the biggest loser.
posted by kjs4 at 4:13 AM on May 19, 2009
And, if he asks, offer him a basic sensible diet book that explains things like metabolism and eating too little etc. and calories and biochemistry, Jillian Michaels has a diet book, if he likes the biggest loser.
posted by kjs4 at 4:13 AM on May 19, 2009
My parents made me go on a diet when I was 8 or so and it completely messed up my attitude to food and, I believe, just made me fatter.
OMG, this. Me too. I was over 200 lbs at age 11 too, dieting since I was 8 (as in, actually going to Weight Watchers - trips to a nutitionist came earlier). I think it's a really bad idea for any child to be told to lose weight. Encourage healthy eating, yes. Encourage exercise (ie, physical play), absolutely. Because those are good things to do regardless of how much you weigh.
I wish I would have known that the candy bars or cookies would still be there tomorrow and I didn't have to devour and/or hide them to know I could have one when I really wanted it.
What can YOU do? Love him. Tell him he's wonderful. Make him believe it. Believe it yourself.
posted by ferociouskitty at 4:28 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
OMG, this. Me too. I was over 200 lbs at age 11 too, dieting since I was 8 (as in, actually going to Weight Watchers - trips to a nutitionist came earlier). I think it's a really bad idea for any child to be told to lose weight. Encourage healthy eating, yes. Encourage exercise (ie, physical play), absolutely. Because those are good things to do regardless of how much you weigh.
I wish I would have known that the candy bars or cookies would still be there tomorrow and I didn't have to devour and/or hide them to know I could have one when I really wanted it.
What can YOU do? Love him. Tell him he's wonderful. Make him believe it. Believe it yourself.
posted by ferociouskitty at 4:28 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Have you talked to your brother about this? The whole extended family might not be willing to change their diet but a concerned father and step-mom might. If the whole family tries to eat a bit healthier, it could help with your nephew's weight more than any temporary diet.
I just read "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think " which someone recommended on Mefi. The advice that's helped me the most so far is that 1/2 the food on your plate should be protein/starch and the other 1/2 should be fruit/vegetables. I'm not quite managing this but it's helping with my weight. I feel like I'm eating healthier and it's simple to know how I'm doing. I've also been less hungry.
If you can afford it, you could also talk to your nephew about noticing how upset he was and that you'd like to help some way. Ask him if there's any physically active activity he'd like to try. Maybe you could pay for some martial art classes, YMCA membership, bicycle, skateboard or whatever he shows some interest in. The rock climbing someone mentioned above would have definitely appealed to my 11 year old heart.
I think it helps most people to know someone is concerned and wants to help in a way that lets them decide what to do instead of just being critical of what they're doing.
posted by stray thoughts at 5:00 AM on May 19, 2009
I just read "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think " which someone recommended on Mefi. The advice that's helped me the most so far is that 1/2 the food on your plate should be protein/starch and the other 1/2 should be fruit/vegetables. I'm not quite managing this but it's helping with my weight. I feel like I'm eating healthier and it's simple to know how I'm doing. I've also been less hungry.
If you can afford it, you could also talk to your nephew about noticing how upset he was and that you'd like to help some way. Ask him if there's any physically active activity he'd like to try. Maybe you could pay for some martial art classes, YMCA membership, bicycle, skateboard or whatever he shows some interest in. The rock climbing someone mentioned above would have definitely appealed to my 11 year old heart.
I think it helps most people to know someone is concerned and wants to help in a way that lets them decide what to do instead of just being critical of what they're doing.
posted by stray thoughts at 5:00 AM on May 19, 2009
It sounds that the main problem is probably that he sits around all afternoon playign Wii etc drinking Coke and eating Chips / crap. And THEN has a huge meal at the table.
For a start i think he needs to stop snacking all day. Which probably does mean convincing the parents to stop buying huge bags of Crisps / X litre bottles of Coke.
posted by mary8nne at 5:21 AM on May 19, 2009
For a start i think he needs to stop snacking all day. Which probably does mean convincing the parents to stop buying huge bags of Crisps / X litre bottles of Coke.
posted by mary8nne at 5:21 AM on May 19, 2009
Best answer: The kid is always going to be Big-with-a-capital-B. His dad was a linebacker, for goodness sake.
Where there's a choice is: will he be a huge couch potato, or a huge active and fit guy?
So put me in the camp of thinking the problem is the Wii, not the potato chips. Has the kid been exposed to large men being strong in that very particular (and quite amazing) large man kind of way? You know -- think of football linebackers, or the really big and strong guy that is on every landscaping crew I've ever seen, or a Bunyan-esque logger, or those scary powerlifters. He's got the genes and the mass: put him to work humping sacks of cement, digging out irrigation lines, or planting trees; or get him on a rugby or football team.
I think a lot of kids his age, especially if they are stuck in that video game / couch / backyard circuit, just haven't ever experienced the pleasure of making their bodies work and do amazing things. Don't worry so much about him being big -- but he should be the go-to guy for lifting big things. I guess what I'm really saying here is to celebrate his size and work with it, rather than pathologizing it.
posted by Forktine at 6:00 AM on May 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Where there's a choice is: will he be a huge couch potato, or a huge active and fit guy?
So put me in the camp of thinking the problem is the Wii, not the potato chips. Has the kid been exposed to large men being strong in that very particular (and quite amazing) large man kind of way? You know -- think of football linebackers, or the really big and strong guy that is on every landscaping crew I've ever seen, or a Bunyan-esque logger, or those scary powerlifters. He's got the genes and the mass: put him to work humping sacks of cement, digging out irrigation lines, or planting trees; or get him on a rugby or football team.
I think a lot of kids his age, especially if they are stuck in that video game / couch / backyard circuit, just haven't ever experienced the pleasure of making their bodies work and do amazing things. Don't worry so much about him being big -- but he should be the go-to guy for lifting big things. I guess what I'm really saying here is to celebrate his size and work with it, rather than pathologizing it.
posted by Forktine at 6:00 AM on May 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
The biggest thing that would have helped me was a true awareness of food. By that I mean macronutrients, what kinds of foods were what (fat, carb, protein, etc.) and how those things interplay. I think for so many kids (and adults!) we don't really understand what makes up what we are putting in our bodies or what those things do for our bodies as fuel.. once you realize with carbs for example that its used largely for fuel you realize that it makes no sense to pour in more fuel than the body needs in a day. When food is just this substance that tastes good and you don't see it as anything else you are far less likely to treat in a manner that leads to healthy eating.
I think the advice above about divorcing the notion of "exercise" from physical activity is also great advice. There are lot's of ways people can be active without doing mind-numbing time in the gym (lets face it.. the treadmills and ellipticals are boring as hell). This might be way out of left field, but if your cousin is into video games maybe he enjoys fantasy/role play. Hook him up with some LARPers.. sure its weird, but he might have a lot of fun running around in the woods swinging foam swords and wearing costumes, all the while getting active.
posted by zennoshinjou at 6:27 AM on May 19, 2009
I think the advice above about divorcing the notion of "exercise" from physical activity is also great advice. There are lot's of ways people can be active without doing mind-numbing time in the gym (lets face it.. the treadmills and ellipticals are boring as hell). This might be way out of left field, but if your cousin is into video games maybe he enjoys fantasy/role play. Hook him up with some LARPers.. sure its weird, but he might have a lot of fun running around in the woods swinging foam swords and wearing costumes, all the while getting active.
posted by zennoshinjou at 6:27 AM on May 19, 2009
2nd forktine - big is a serious asset in many situations. Focus on how in shape he is, not on some arbitrary weight.
nth the find out what sport/activity gets him interested in moving. Doesn't matter what as long as he's interested in doing it on his own. Football would put him in a situation where his size is an asset, but he'd have to get in shape enough to use it and that might discourage him. Weightlifting would seem to be an ideal fit: you don't have to be in shape to start, dumbbells and barbells are relatively cheap, and given his size he should already lift more than others his age which is usually motivation to keep at it.
posted by anti social order at 6:41 AM on May 19, 2009
nth the find out what sport/activity gets him interested in moving. Doesn't matter what as long as he's interested in doing it on his own. Football would put him in a situation where his size is an asset, but he'd have to get in shape enough to use it and that might discourage him. Weightlifting would seem to be an ideal fit: you don't have to be in shape to start, dumbbells and barbells are relatively cheap, and given his size he should already lift more than others his age which is usually motivation to keep at it.
posted by anti social order at 6:41 AM on May 19, 2009
Best answer: I slept on this question before answering. I was a fat kid, and I am fat adult. What I wish someone had told me was that my worth as a human had nothing to do with my weight.
Your nephew may be more fat or less fat during his life. He may make "healthy" changes and still be fat. I grew up in the 70's and 80's in rural TN. I was on my bike all the time, roaming fields and pastures, and I loved to swim. I grew up in a family with a vegetable garden and fruit trees, and of limited means, so we didn't eat out very much. But I was fat. My mom worked 60 hours a week at a job where she was always on her feet. She was still fat.
My family was kind and loving and supportive. But I knew that my mother HATED her body. She was always on a diet. TOPS, OA, Weight Watchers. She did get "thin" on Optifast (the same thing Oprah used) and was rewarded by having her gallbladder out. And then she regained the weight. She didn't pressure me, but was certainly supportive when I wanted to diet too. But I was still 200 lbs by time I graduated high school. And I thought being fat was about the worst thing you could be.
I was smart, but I let many opportunities pass me by because of my weight. I was afraid to put myself out there, call attention to myself by sharing my thoughts or opinions on anything. I would never accept a position of leadership. I was in stupid relationships, because I was just happy that men might like me "in spite" on my body. My life was ruled my fear of ridicule, of being noticed. If I was nice and quiet and sweet, then maybe, just maybe I could be forgiven for my failure to be thin.
Fat people think (and boy, does society reinforce this) that no accomplishment is worth anything if you are fat. Seriously. You can't be celebrated for any success without an undercurrent of "well, it's great that you did X ( got your book published, won American Idol, directed one of the highest grossing movie trilogies of all time) but don't you think you think you should be focusing on your health?" Because if lord knows if you praise a fat person for anything, then you are endorsing that it's okay to be fat. Oh, and if someone loves you romantically and/or finds you attractive, then they have a psychological problem.
So advice for your nephew... help him develop a sense of worth not tied to his body. Help him understand that people who shame or tease him are assholes that don't deserve a second thought. That even if he stays fat, he can be happy, successful, and that he will find love.
I agree with others that you can encourage movement and healthier eating, but I promise that if you make this the focus of your interaction with him, he'll just see you as another person who is disappointed in him. The world tells fat people that we are a liability, an embarrassment, a failure EVERY SINGLY DAY. Why don't you give him a respite from that?
posted by kimdog at 6:45 AM on May 19, 2009 [17 favorites]
Your nephew may be more fat or less fat during his life. He may make "healthy" changes and still be fat. I grew up in the 70's and 80's in rural TN. I was on my bike all the time, roaming fields and pastures, and I loved to swim. I grew up in a family with a vegetable garden and fruit trees, and of limited means, so we didn't eat out very much. But I was fat. My mom worked 60 hours a week at a job where she was always on her feet. She was still fat.
My family was kind and loving and supportive. But I knew that my mother HATED her body. She was always on a diet. TOPS, OA, Weight Watchers. She did get "thin" on Optifast (the same thing Oprah used) and was rewarded by having her gallbladder out. And then she regained the weight. She didn't pressure me, but was certainly supportive when I wanted to diet too. But I was still 200 lbs by time I graduated high school. And I thought being fat was about the worst thing you could be.
I was smart, but I let many opportunities pass me by because of my weight. I was afraid to put myself out there, call attention to myself by sharing my thoughts or opinions on anything. I would never accept a position of leadership. I was in stupid relationships, because I was just happy that men might like me "in spite" on my body. My life was ruled my fear of ridicule, of being noticed. If I was nice and quiet and sweet, then maybe, just maybe I could be forgiven for my failure to be thin.
Fat people think (and boy, does society reinforce this) that no accomplishment is worth anything if you are fat. Seriously. You can't be celebrated for any success without an undercurrent of "well, it's great that you did X ( got your book published, won American Idol, directed one of the highest grossing movie trilogies of all time) but don't you think you think you should be focusing on your health?" Because if lord knows if you praise a fat person for anything, then you are endorsing that it's okay to be fat. Oh, and if someone loves you romantically and/or finds you attractive, then they have a psychological problem.
So advice for your nephew... help him develop a sense of worth not tied to his body. Help him understand that people who shame or tease him are assholes that don't deserve a second thought. That even if he stays fat, he can be happy, successful, and that he will find love.
I agree with others that you can encourage movement and healthier eating, but I promise that if you make this the focus of your interaction with him, he'll just see you as another person who is disappointed in him. The world tells fat people that we are a liability, an embarrassment, a failure EVERY SINGLY DAY. Why don't you give him a respite from that?
posted by kimdog at 6:45 AM on May 19, 2009 [17 favorites]
My children are in Karate and had I known how awesome their dojo was I would have put them in years ago. Karate (or any martial art) is good for this situation because it is not a team sport and he will only be measuring against himself but there is a supportive community and he will not be exercising alone. It is also considered a pretty cool sport among a lot of children and it is easy to move up belts early on, reinforcing his self-confience in his body as something he can control.
Shop around the different dojos - what I like about the one my children are at is that they alternate between high intensity activities (jumping jacks, running) and then focused activities (punching, kicking) and slow, controlled movements. That way the children do not get winded but definitely get a workout. We are also lucky in that the dojo is about a fifteen minute walk from our house (more exercise!) so the children will be able to walk there alone when they are older and they have four classes a week so if they miss one due to a social obligation they don't fall off the wagon for a whole week. The time spent exercising also cuts down on the available time to snack. Can you afford to pay his membership as a birthday or graduation present? Better yet, can you join the same martial art group in your community and share (albeit long-distance) the experience with him? It would also give you something positive to relate with him and shows/challenges to go to together.
I agree food is the bigger issue but you are limited in what you changes you can make to the whole family. Exercise is one area you can make a positive impact on just him. You are a super uncle for caring so much. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 6:50 AM on May 19, 2009
Shop around the different dojos - what I like about the one my children are at is that they alternate between high intensity activities (jumping jacks, running) and then focused activities (punching, kicking) and slow, controlled movements. That way the children do not get winded but definitely get a workout. We are also lucky in that the dojo is about a fifteen minute walk from our house (more exercise!) so the children will be able to walk there alone when they are older and they have four classes a week so if they miss one due to a social obligation they don't fall off the wagon for a whole week. The time spent exercising also cuts down on the available time to snack. Can you afford to pay his membership as a birthday or graduation present? Better yet, can you join the same martial art group in your community and share (albeit long-distance) the experience with him? It would also give you something positive to relate with him and shows/challenges to go to together.
I agree food is the bigger issue but you are limited in what you changes you can make to the whole family. Exercise is one area you can make a positive impact on just him. You are a super uncle for caring so much. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 6:50 AM on May 19, 2009
flabdablet, exercise is undoubtably excellent for a healthy lifestyle. It can provide additional motivation to dial in the diet and thus promote weight-loss. But a pound of muscle only burns 5-15 more calories per day, and the average male (even on a serious weight-training program) can't physiologically add more that 3-4lbs of dry muscle mass per month. Simply adding muscle mass is not the smoking gun for promoting weight loss. It's great for many, many other health-related things, but until diet is in gear weight loss does not follow.
posted by Anonymous at 7:18 AM on May 19, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 7:18 AM on May 19, 2009
His parents need to change. They need to stop bringing crap food into the house, and stop funding his junk food. They need to be active with him - walking, playing ball, sailing, swimming, whatever they can do together. They need to keep tasty, nutritious food in the fridge, ready to eat. They need to do this because it will, literally, save his life. If he gets into the habit of proper nutrition and building physical activity into his daily life, he'll lose weight, which is nice, but he'll get healthy, which is critical. An 11 year old who can climb stairs is in serious health trouble.
Get rid of the video game machines, maybe get the WiiFit, but get the teevee off and get outdoors and active. Talk to your nephew, not about his weight, but about his fitness and his health. Talk to his parents about the profound effect their lifestyle is having on their son. Can you get him a plane ticket to come visit you and introduce him to the fun of physical activity? A good camp, not a weight loss camp, just a camp where the people are nice and there are fun activities and no teevee, would be great.
His weight is cosmetic, and a social barrier with some jerks, but his lack of fitness will dramatically shorten his life.
posted by theora55 at 8:14 AM on May 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
Get rid of the video game machines, maybe get the WiiFit, but get the teevee off and get outdoors and active. Talk to your nephew, not about his weight, but about his fitness and his health. Talk to his parents about the profound effect their lifestyle is having on their son. Can you get him a plane ticket to come visit you and introduce him to the fun of physical activity? A good camp, not a weight loss camp, just a camp where the people are nice and there are fun activities and no teevee, would be great.
His weight is cosmetic, and a social barrier with some jerks, but his lack of fitness will dramatically shorten his life.
posted by theora55 at 8:14 AM on May 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
If I could go back and talk to my 11 year old self I would tell her:
- Don't clean your plate and chew your damn food, instead of swallowing it whole. Stop after 10 minutes and if you're still hungry, then finish it. Put the leftovers in the refrigerator and eat them later, so Mom doesn't get mad.
- Take a ziploc bag, and put only a serving of chips/candy/chocolate whatever in it. Take that to the tv and eat it, not the whole bag. Ask your PE/Home Ec teacher or the Grocery Store Manager how to read the label. They should know if Mom and Dad don't.
- Drink a glass of water for every other kind of drink you consume. Also, the way soda's are made are really gross. You won't want them after I finish my "soda factory" story.
- Chores are important. Major brownie points with Mom and Dad, if you do it right and major exercise. Ask for an allowance based on chores!
- You don't have to look like everyone else, you won't look like anyone else. Be in competition with yourself. Also, look at this website that shows how the "sexy" people are re-touched or photoshopped. Liars!
- You know how much you like to swim? Start going to the YMCA again, and swim! Do it after school, go for the whole day on Saturday. Ride your bike, every day. Make a deal with yourself, 1 hour of biking for 1 hour of tv.
- Stop eating bread with everything, you can't digest it properly. No, really.
- Food doesn't fix everything. Stop hiding behind the crap food, it's not going to help.
Yeah some of this sounds harsh, but everyone was really way too nice to me and I became an overweight teenager and young woman. I didn't lose it until I was 33 years old, and I still struggle with food issues.
There is a way to be firm to a young teenager without being a jerk and I wish to God someone had been that firm with me.
Be honest and let your nephew know that what he's doing now is wiring his body for the rest of his life. Let him know he has control over his own body (hormones aside!) and that it's up to him to treat himself properly.
posted by lootie777 at 8:34 AM on May 19, 2009
- Don't clean your plate and chew your damn food, instead of swallowing it whole. Stop after 10 minutes and if you're still hungry, then finish it. Put the leftovers in the refrigerator and eat them later, so Mom doesn't get mad.
- Take a ziploc bag, and put only a serving of chips/candy/chocolate whatever in it. Take that to the tv and eat it, not the whole bag. Ask your PE/Home Ec teacher or the Grocery Store Manager how to read the label. They should know if Mom and Dad don't.
- Drink a glass of water for every other kind of drink you consume. Also, the way soda's are made are really gross. You won't want them after I finish my "soda factory" story.
- Chores are important. Major brownie points with Mom and Dad, if you do it right and major exercise. Ask for an allowance based on chores!
- You don't have to look like everyone else, you won't look like anyone else. Be in competition with yourself. Also, look at this website that shows how the "sexy" people are re-touched or photoshopped. Liars!
- You know how much you like to swim? Start going to the YMCA again, and swim! Do it after school, go for the whole day on Saturday. Ride your bike, every day. Make a deal with yourself, 1 hour of biking for 1 hour of tv.
- Stop eating bread with everything, you can't digest it properly. No, really.
- Food doesn't fix everything. Stop hiding behind the crap food, it's not going to help.
Yeah some of this sounds harsh, but everyone was really way too nice to me and I became an overweight teenager and young woman. I didn't lose it until I was 33 years old, and I still struggle with food issues.
There is a way to be firm to a young teenager without being a jerk and I wish to God someone had been that firm with me.
Be honest and let your nephew know that what he's doing now is wiring his body for the rest of his life. Let him know he has control over his own body (hormones aside!) and that it's up to him to treat himself properly.
posted by lootie777 at 8:34 AM on May 19, 2009
I wish someone would have told me that fat was not a moral failure.
I wish someone would have told me that the people who were unkind to me "for my own good" were wrong.
I wish someone would have told me that focusing on the things that make me happy and feel good was the right thing to do, not the things that people tried to make me do because they thought those things would make me "better."
Your nephew knows that he is fat. He is faced with outside judgments of his fat every single second of every single day. He knows that people think badly of him because of it. HE KNOWS THESE THINGS. Every fat person knows these things. Please be one person in his life that does not constantly remind him of his fat.
Find out what he genuinely likes to do and talk about those things with him. Engage him. Listen to what he has to say. No one listens to fat kids; everyone is concerned About His Weight, but no one really takes time to listen to the kid under the fat. Puberty is not going to improve the situation, but having you as a sounding board will help him.
(I was a chubby kid who grew into an overweight teenager with the help of countless misguided "diets". I am a fat adult.)
posted by crankylex at 9:53 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I wish someone would have told me that the people who were unkind to me "for my own good" were wrong.
I wish someone would have told me that focusing on the things that make me happy and feel good was the right thing to do, not the things that people tried to make me do because they thought those things would make me "better."
Your nephew knows that he is fat. He is faced with outside judgments of his fat every single second of every single day. He knows that people think badly of him because of it. HE KNOWS THESE THINGS. Every fat person knows these things. Please be one person in his life that does not constantly remind him of his fat.
Find out what he genuinely likes to do and talk about those things with him. Engage him. Listen to what he has to say. No one listens to fat kids; everyone is concerned About His Weight, but no one really takes time to listen to the kid under the fat. Puberty is not going to improve the situation, but having you as a sounding board will help him.
(I was a chubby kid who grew into an overweight teenager with the help of countless misguided "diets". I am a fat adult.)
posted by crankylex at 9:53 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ooh, Forktine makes a really good point. Direct the kid to Strongman competitions, Highland Games, powerlifting, timber sports.
posted by Anonymous at 10:04 AM on May 19, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 10:04 AM on May 19, 2009
You do not have to finish everything on your plate. I firmly believe this stupid mantra (finish everything on your plate) overrides the bodies natural inclination to stop eating when satiated. Parents who repeatedly cause their child to over eat in this manner are unwittingly re-programming the bodies natural stop-eating-at-the-point-of-satiation-mechanisms. If I were a young psych student pursuing a Phd I'd underdertake this as my thesis study.
Also giving a child fruits and vegetables (fresh local variety) ingrains a life long healthy habit. Our daughter ate veggies from a young age (12-18 months.) People who say there children don't 'like' vegetables? You're doing it wrong. Children love and need vegetables. Introduce them 'first' when introducing whole foods.
posted by Muirwylde at 10:54 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also giving a child fruits and vegetables (fresh local variety) ingrains a life long healthy habit. Our daughter ate veggies from a young age (12-18 months.) People who say there children don't 'like' vegetables? You're doing it wrong. Children love and need vegetables. Introduce them 'first' when introducing whole foods.
posted by Muirwylde at 10:54 AM on May 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
another vote for don't eat it unless you are hungry, as well as encouragement to appreciate my body for what it is capable of instead of what it looked like.
posted by domino at 11:53 AM on May 19, 2009
posted by domino at 11:53 AM on May 19, 2009
Best answer: I don't know how to help your nephew, but I can tell you what we do for our daughter, and our family as a whole. Maybe some of these ideas will help you, or someone else. I'd love it if your nephew's family took steps to improve all their health -- it would be so wonderful for all of them.
FOOD
-- She can eat all the fruits and veggies that she wants. They're readily available for her to snack on. I put them out, all cut up and nicely displayed, whenever she has friends around, before meals, and all weekend long. Even her friends who seem to eat a non-stop diet of junk food when they're with their parents eat the fruits and veggies when they play with her, and they don't have those awful tantrums that come from sugar crashes. We don't have junk food in the house, so we never feel tempted to snack on it.
-- We don't ever eat while we're doing something else, like watching TV, driving, etc. Eating is a sit-down activity, and the most I'll ever do while eating is flip through the newspaper.
-- We eat every single dinner together, and no one gets up before we're all done. But there are no rules about finishing off what's on the plate. Also, I generally plate each person's meals, and put on there less than I think they'll actually want. Seconds can be had, but only after pausing for a few minutes. This encourages us to think about whether we really want more. Generally, people will eat however much you give them. Forcing them to ask for more (especially to get up, go into the kitchen, and get more, not just reach for the serving bowl) really reduces the overall amount of food eaten.
-- I strive to make every meal be 50-70% produce, by volume. If I look at my plate and see it as a pie chart, it should be filled in by produce that much. Then it really doesn't matter what fills up the rest of the plate.
-- We never eat before 7 am or after 8 pm.
-- We talk about nutrition as a value, explaining it to her in terms that matter to her (makes her strong, keeps her from getting colds, helps her grow taller). We explain why certain foods are good, and others not good. We talk about how delicious healthy food is.
-- We belong to a CSA, and all go to the farm to see where the food is grown.
-- We cook almost all of our meals.
-- We don't ban unhealthy food -- we just don't eat much of it. We are definitely not sugar-free or fat-free, not by any stretch. We have dessert almost every night, but it usually has fruit as part of it (chocolate cake + raspberries, where the berries cover 2/3 of the plate; ice cream + bananas and strawberries; whole-milk yogurt + berries -- that sort of thing).
-- When we do eat junk, we laugh about how bad we are. It's not a condemning thing, not a big deal, just, "Can you believe we're drinking milkshakes from DQ? Hah!" The point here is to enjoy the junk food, but to acknowledge that it's not the greatest idea. We're trying to teach her that junk food isn't going to kill her, and she can even enjoy it, but that it doesn't make up a healthy diet if eaten in quantity.
ACTIVITY
-- We take stairs, not elevators. We walk, not drive, whenever we can. Admittedly, this isn't very often. But we at least make an effort, and we talk about it, so she knows this is one of our values.
-- We hike most weekends, as a way to see the beautiful part of the country we live in, get fresh air, and enjoy our family time. Our daughter is only five, so by "hike" I mean walk, sometimes as short a distance as half a mile. But the point is to get her used to being out, being active. It's not a death march -- it's just walking, looking at flowers, throwing rocks into streams. But the point is to be outside and moving, and we do it. Even when the weather is bad, good clothes make a huge difference, and we find a way to get out.
-- She takes rock climbing class and an improv class that's very movement based. (She also takes violin, which requires her to stand for an hour during her lesson, and for 20-60 minutes during practice. Standing is actually good exercise.)
-- If she wants to climb a tree or a wall, or run down steps, or whatever, we almost always encourage it. We want her to feel good about taking risks, being active, testing her physical limits. If she asks for help, we first offer her advice ("Put your left leg on this branch, reach over here") and only if that's insufficient do we pick her up and get her out of a jam. We want her to have the confidence that she can get out of problems, so that she'll be willing to get in them in the first place.
-- We put our small, old TV in the basement, where it's cold, and we don't have cable. We have no video games. We taught her early on how to find dance music on the iPod.
-- My husband and I wear exercise clothes a lot, so that we feel free to do something active whenever the chance arises. If you're wearing running clothes during the day, you're more likely to run down to the mailbox, or over to the car, or whatever. Those little bursts of activity aren't much one at a time, but they sure add up.
Of all the things on this list, the two that I'd guess would make the biggest difference to your nephew is (a) not letting him eat while doing something else, and (b) banning video games/TV -- or at least limiting them, e.g. only after 8 pm (that way they only happen when he can't be outside doing something active). The mindless eating is a killer, and so is sitting still. In combination, they're even worse. So, if his family wants to make a difference for him, I'd suggest starting with those two changes.
posted by Capri at 12:37 PM on May 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
FOOD
-- She can eat all the fruits and veggies that she wants. They're readily available for her to snack on. I put them out, all cut up and nicely displayed, whenever she has friends around, before meals, and all weekend long. Even her friends who seem to eat a non-stop diet of junk food when they're with their parents eat the fruits and veggies when they play with her, and they don't have those awful tantrums that come from sugar crashes. We don't have junk food in the house, so we never feel tempted to snack on it.
-- We don't ever eat while we're doing something else, like watching TV, driving, etc. Eating is a sit-down activity, and the most I'll ever do while eating is flip through the newspaper.
-- We eat every single dinner together, and no one gets up before we're all done. But there are no rules about finishing off what's on the plate. Also, I generally plate each person's meals, and put on there less than I think they'll actually want. Seconds can be had, but only after pausing for a few minutes. This encourages us to think about whether we really want more. Generally, people will eat however much you give them. Forcing them to ask for more (especially to get up, go into the kitchen, and get more, not just reach for the serving bowl) really reduces the overall amount of food eaten.
-- I strive to make every meal be 50-70% produce, by volume. If I look at my plate and see it as a pie chart, it should be filled in by produce that much. Then it really doesn't matter what fills up the rest of the plate.
-- We never eat before 7 am or after 8 pm.
-- We talk about nutrition as a value, explaining it to her in terms that matter to her (makes her strong, keeps her from getting colds, helps her grow taller). We explain why certain foods are good, and others not good. We talk about how delicious healthy food is.
-- We belong to a CSA, and all go to the farm to see where the food is grown.
-- We cook almost all of our meals.
-- We don't ban unhealthy food -- we just don't eat much of it. We are definitely not sugar-free or fat-free, not by any stretch. We have dessert almost every night, but it usually has fruit as part of it (chocolate cake + raspberries, where the berries cover 2/3 of the plate; ice cream + bananas and strawberries; whole-milk yogurt + berries -- that sort of thing).
-- When we do eat junk, we laugh about how bad we are. It's not a condemning thing, not a big deal, just, "Can you believe we're drinking milkshakes from DQ? Hah!" The point here is to enjoy the junk food, but to acknowledge that it's not the greatest idea. We're trying to teach her that junk food isn't going to kill her, and she can even enjoy it, but that it doesn't make up a healthy diet if eaten in quantity.
ACTIVITY
-- We take stairs, not elevators. We walk, not drive, whenever we can. Admittedly, this isn't very often. But we at least make an effort, and we talk about it, so she knows this is one of our values.
-- We hike most weekends, as a way to see the beautiful part of the country we live in, get fresh air, and enjoy our family time. Our daughter is only five, so by "hike" I mean walk, sometimes as short a distance as half a mile. But the point is to get her used to being out, being active. It's not a death march -- it's just walking, looking at flowers, throwing rocks into streams. But the point is to be outside and moving, and we do it. Even when the weather is bad, good clothes make a huge difference, and we find a way to get out.
-- She takes rock climbing class and an improv class that's very movement based. (She also takes violin, which requires her to stand for an hour during her lesson, and for 20-60 minutes during practice. Standing is actually good exercise.)
-- If she wants to climb a tree or a wall, or run down steps, or whatever, we almost always encourage it. We want her to feel good about taking risks, being active, testing her physical limits. If she asks for help, we first offer her advice ("Put your left leg on this branch, reach over here") and only if that's insufficient do we pick her up and get her out of a jam. We want her to have the confidence that she can get out of problems, so that she'll be willing to get in them in the first place.
-- We put our small, old TV in the basement, where it's cold, and we don't have cable. We have no video games. We taught her early on how to find dance music on the iPod.
-- My husband and I wear exercise clothes a lot, so that we feel free to do something active whenever the chance arises. If you're wearing running clothes during the day, you're more likely to run down to the mailbox, or over to the car, or whatever. Those little bursts of activity aren't much one at a time, but they sure add up.
Of all the things on this list, the two that I'd guess would make the biggest difference to your nephew is (a) not letting him eat while doing something else, and (b) banning video games/TV -- or at least limiting them, e.g. only after 8 pm (that way they only happen when he can't be outside doing something active). The mindless eating is a killer, and so is sitting still. In combination, they're even worse. So, if his family wants to make a difference for him, I'd suggest starting with those two changes.
posted by Capri at 12:37 PM on May 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
I was around 30-40lbs. overweight as a little boy. I joined a martial arts class at the age of 12 and it helped me to lose maybe twenty of those pounds. More importantly, it gave me the self-confidence to join the swim team when I started high school, which melted away every ounce of fat on me.
Weight loss will be much easier for him in a year or two when puberty kicks in. Testosterone and HGH are wonderful hormones.
But a pound of muscle only burns 5-15 more calories per day
This is correct, I'm afraid. I lift weights to help me perform better in my other active hobbies. It doesn't help much when it comes to burning calories.
posted by Thoughtcrime at 1:57 PM on May 19, 2009
Weight loss will be much easier for him in a year or two when puberty kicks in. Testosterone and HGH are wonderful hormones.
But a pound of muscle only burns 5-15 more calories per day
This is correct, I'm afraid. I lift weights to help me perform better in my other active hobbies. It doesn't help much when it comes to burning calories.
posted by Thoughtcrime at 1:57 PM on May 19, 2009
If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would go back and tell myself is that it's okay not to finish everything.
That's one of the worst "lessons" kids ever learn. Don't waste food, eat everything you take. Eat till you're more than full.
Anyway, I like theora55's idea of having him visit you. Are you in a position to have him visit for an extended period, like a few weeks or even a month or two over the summer? If you can do that, and if his parents will let him, don't make losing weight or exercising the goal, just show him healthier living. Don't keep any junks snacks around (I think most of us have a hard time resisting the tasty but high calorie foods if they are in the house). Do some sort of daily physical activity, even better if you live in a pedestrian or cycling friendly place where you can walk to the grocery store or the movies or wherever, or a bike ride on the weekend to some interesting or cool spot.
I think this could be a great way to help him if you can, so that he can see that how his family lives isn't the way he has to, and that he can ultimately choose a healthier lifestyle.
posted by 6550 at 2:08 PM on May 19, 2009
That's one of the worst "lessons" kids ever learn. Don't waste food, eat everything you take. Eat till you're more than full.
Anyway, I like theora55's idea of having him visit you. Are you in a position to have him visit for an extended period, like a few weeks or even a month or two over the summer? If you can do that, and if his parents will let him, don't make losing weight or exercising the goal, just show him healthier living. Don't keep any junks snacks around (I think most of us have a hard time resisting the tasty but high calorie foods if they are in the house). Do some sort of daily physical activity, even better if you live in a pedestrian or cycling friendly place where you can walk to the grocery store or the movies or wherever, or a bike ride on the weekend to some interesting or cool spot.
I think this could be a great way to help him if you can, so that he can see that how his family lives isn't the way he has to, and that he can ultimately choose a healthier lifestyle.
posted by 6550 at 2:08 PM on May 19, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you all for these thoughtful and thought-provoking responses. I especially appreciate the range, from nitty-gritty details to emotional insights. I want to do right by my nephew and I'm not always sure what the right thing is. Now I have some new ways to approach the situation. (AskMe is a wondrous place...)
Thanks again!
posted by dogrose at 3:00 PM on May 19, 2009
Thanks again!
posted by dogrose at 3:00 PM on May 19, 2009
Response by poster: A follow-up: Nephew is staying with me August 14-22. (I know—NYC in August is sooo delightful. But the heat and humidity here will be as nothing compared to what he's used to. The stench... yeah, we win on stench.)
I'm looking forward to his visit. Since I posted this question, I've made a conscious effort to connect regularly via phone and email. We never talk about weight or food. We talk about his homework or the calf that was born on his birthday or the hilarious fact that his father's nickname as a toddler was Grinnygrumps.
I'm lining up lots of stuff for us to do (plus indoor alternatives if it won't STOP RAINING) and he'll cook with me a lot. Many of you confirmed that this is very helpful. Last time I was with the folks, I got him to taste the different colors of bell peppers. I do think taste is crucial. I still remember the first time I tasted an asparagus stalk that didn't come from a can.
And getting to know him so much better is, and will continue to be, delightful.
Thank you all—literally, all of you. Every single comment gave me something to think about.
posted by dogrose at 3:31 PM on July 29, 2009
I'm looking forward to his visit. Since I posted this question, I've made a conscious effort to connect regularly via phone and email. We never talk about weight or food. We talk about his homework or the calf that was born on his birthday or the hilarious fact that his father's nickname as a toddler was Grinnygrumps.
I'm lining up lots of stuff for us to do (plus indoor alternatives if it won't STOP RAINING) and he'll cook with me a lot. Many of you confirmed that this is very helpful. Last time I was with the folks, I got him to taste the different colors of bell peppers. I do think taste is crucial. I still remember the first time I tasted an asparagus stalk that didn't come from a can.
And getting to know him so much better is, and will continue to be, delightful.
Thank you all—literally, all of you. Every single comment gave me something to think about.
posted by dogrose at 3:31 PM on July 29, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by foodgeek at 7:29 PM on May 18, 2009