Should I act on my sexual attraction to women before I settle down into a monogamous sex life with a man?

November 26, 2004 12:42 PM

I'm a late 20s woman who has only ever been in relationships with men. I'm fairly sure I'll only ever fall in love with a man, although I fantasize regularly about women. Should I act on my sexual attraction to women before I settle down into a monogamous sex life with a man? I'm not really into casual sex at this point in my life, but I can't picture myself in a serious relationship with a woman either.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

First off, I am assuming that you fantasize regularly about women and men otherwise my advice would be different. If you think that you are somehow always going to wonder about the path you didn't take, get it over with now and who knows, you might really decide you like it, or learn something new about yourself. Some folks are happy leaving fantasies as fantasies, some will have the fidgets forever if they do this.

In general it's a good idea to get out your "I must act on this" attractions to other people, any other people, before you settle down into a monogamous sex life with anyone. On the other hand, many people don't ever settle down into a monogamous sex life, or do so serially. In your case, the next LTR could possibly be with a woman, or with a man. I have one bisexual friend who is constantly convinced she's dissatisfied with her current partner because they're the wrong gender. She's just not sure if she likes men or women "better" and her opinion flips based on her evaluation of her current partner. I think what is more likely the case is that she's just a dissatisfied individual and the gender of her partner doesn't really matter. I've also known people who switched preferences late in life when whatever it was that was urging them in one direction -- internally or externally -- changed. Even though it may not seem like it, there's decades more ahead in your sex life, so there's no real rush now unless you really think you have a marriage in your near future.

Only you know whether you'll always be curious about having sex with women if you don't act on it. And it remains to be seen whether, once you've been with a woman, some of your assumptions about what sort of relationships you could have with women are accurate.
posted by jessamyn at 1:23 PM on November 26, 2004

Why limit yourself? If you think it would be fun, give it a try. If you are uncomfortable with with casual sex, then don't do it, but if a opportunity arises maybe you should give it some thought. The whole point to sexual freedom is to be able to do what you want. Not limit yourself to binary choices. Try not to think of any of this as a permanent binding decision, but exploring what makes your happy.
posted by cayla at 1:24 PM on November 26, 2004

if you're not into casual sex, but can't forsee falling in love with a woman then you've answered your own question, haven't you?

but otherwise what jessamyn says (as always. yawn).
posted by andrew cooke at 1:29 PM on November 26, 2004

To me, this isn't primarily a gender/sexuality issue. I think you're looking for something really difficult -- something between casual sex and a serious relationship. The best description I can think of for what (it sounds like) you want (though I HATE this term) is "friends with benefits." I think this is hard, because generally someone winds up getting hurt. Even if both friends start out saying, "we agree to always be friends, to experiment with sex now, and then to give up the sex part," at least one of the two people is likely to change their feelings over time. Most of us find it really hard to totally divorce sex from all sorts of other intimacy issues.

But: having said ALL that. I don't think there's anything wrong with any sort of relationship, as long as everyone knows what they're getting into.
posted by grumblebee at 2:38 PM on November 26, 2004

Yes. If you think that these fantasies will continue, please do something about it now.

I'm watching a very bad situation unfold in front of me. The wife of a coworker is realizing and trying to act upon her desire for women now, 15 years and two children into a marriage. I care dearly for them both and wince when I think about the damage that she's inflicting into not just her marriage, but the people around them as well.

Be honest with all concerned, but do the things you fantasize about now.
posted by FlamingBore at 3:50 PM on November 26, 2004

i empathize with you, anon--i would describe myself pretty similarly. i'm attracted to women and fantasize about them, but i rarely romanticize them the way i do with men. i've had many long-term, serious, sexual relationships with men, but none with women. i've even gone through a period of fantasizing ONLY about women. and i'm about the same age as you.

however, i have explored my attraction to women, and i'm glad--that way, i can feel much more confident about the boundaries of that attraction. (also, it was fun.)

so to echo the advice of others: give it a try. maybe just kiss a lady or two and see how it feels. there's no need to spend weeks in bed with a woman to get a sense of how much you like it. and hey, many men don't mind such experimentation, especially if you're comfortable involving them in it....so you may be able to combine your affection for a male partner with a little female nookie.

as long as you're being honest with the men and women involved, like grumblebee says, i don't see any harm in trying out new things. also, please remember that your preferences may change over time. many of us go through sexual phases where a particular kink or activity appeals to us more than others, so maybe this is a passing interest for you...or maybe you'll find that your LTRs with men were the "phase." sexual orientation, IMHO, is rarely a black/white issues--most of us are somewhere in the middle. even if you discover that you're really attracted to both sexes, i trust that you'll still be able to choose one person as a lifelong partner.

good luck! (and apologies if there was tmi in this post.)
posted by equipoise at 5:20 PM on November 26, 2004

Yeah. Be considerate, recognise that other people aren't just there to gratify your need to experiment.

But you ask "should I"? What an interesting way to put it. There is no necessity, none at all, to explore this, unless you want to.

It's one thing to fantasise about a different gender than the one you normally fuck, where it's safe in your head and all theoretical; and quite another to look with lust on a real person and wish you could take them home. If you only ever do the first, and never the second, then I can't see why you would make the effort. But if there are or have been women who rock your boat, then why not?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2004

I've been in the same situation, as a man. I threw myself around a little, just so I could "be sure" and all that. My answer is twofold. A) that you can't really force it, so don't worry about it, and that B) you can be bisexual but still prefer one sex. That's a completely normal way to be - some would even argue that everyone is actually in that boat. It doesn't need to be changed, it doesn't need to be tested, it doesn't need to be proven. You don't need to shake it and see what falls out.

As for whether you're missing out on stuff you haven't done yet, sure, of course you are. And should you get around and enjoy lots of sex before you get committed up to your neck? Sure you should! What sex your partners are is immaterial. Even if you were 100% hetero, you'd still be attracted to people for the rest of your life who were not your husband. You have to manage that somehow, whether those are men or women.

/you go girl
posted by scarabic at 7:59 PM on November 26, 2004

Why not run a personals ad reading "bi-curious woman in search of same"?
posted by Carol Anne at 5:57 AM on November 27, 2004

If you decide to "experiment," please be very honest with the women with whom you get into relationships. I have (though only anectodally) heard several women who said they felt cheated and used when they found out their 20-something partner was just experimenting. It might turn into romance later, but if your first intent is physical experimentation, your partner has the right to know.
posted by copperbleu at 12:40 PM on November 27, 2004

"Should you" really should depend on who you meet and feel emotionally towards. Experimenting is all well and good if casual sex is something that's fun for you - but at the same time it's not going to give you any insight to which gender is going to be the one you'd want a serious relationship with. It really should be about who you have emotions for - women are more often geared towards emotion first, then sexual fulfillment. And if you're still having questions about this it's a sign that you shouldn't be worrying about settling down with anyone long term just yet - best to take time and get to know what you really want and desire from a partner. Meanwhile fantasize all you want about both genders - that's completely healthy (I'd use the word normal, but that's always one of those undefinable words!). The best way to meet up with other like minded women is to find a group of them just to hang out with as friends - if you're open about your interests I'm sure you'll meet someone.
posted by batgrlHG at 2:29 PM on November 27, 2004

I think what you should do will depend a lot on the particular situations you find yourself in. For me, women in general aren't necessarily that urgent of a desire, but I sometimes am strongly attracted to a particular woman. If you find yourself attracted to one of them, go for it. As long as you are upfront about the fact that you are unsure of your desires, the worst that will happen is that you won't like it.

I dated a girl only once. Before we got together she did not think of herself as liking women, but since then she has found a long-term female partner and is very happy. On the other hand I think possibly feeling that you've "missed out on something" once you are in a serious LTR isn't unique to this situation - most people feel a little bit bored/dissatisfied/curious about the rest of the world occassionaly. Being able to chalk it up to a particular gender that you may have missed out on will be a convenient way to rationalize this, but everyone feels it.

I think there is probably something in between casual sex and having a serious relationship, although we tend to forget that. On the other hand I am still figuring out exactly what it is.
posted by mai at 2:30 AM on November 28, 2004