Is there such a thing as unsexed sex?
May 1, 2009 4:32 PM Subscribe
For a variety of reasons, my wonderful girlfriend no longer enjoys penetrative sex, or any sex at all. I'm turning to you to see if you can recommend some sex games that do *not* focus on orgasms or genital play. Do such games exist? I'm a guy, if it matters. This is all very NSFW, naturally.
Here's the thing: my girlfriend has a neurological condition that's led to a loss of sensation in different areas of her body. It's not always the same area. However, she experiences almost constant numbness in her breasts, as well as in her vagina and around her clitoris. We're seeking medical help for this neurological condition, but it's a long and not very hopeful road.
In the meantime, I wonder if there are any games that focus on erotic intimacy but that are not orgasm-focused. We massage one another often, but I'm looking for something a little kinkier, if possible. Alternatively, if anyone can explain how non-genital orgasms work (again, if there's really such a thing), we'd both be, well, grateful.
Here's the thing: my girlfriend has a neurological condition that's led to a loss of sensation in different areas of her body. It's not always the same area. However, she experiences almost constant numbness in her breasts, as well as in her vagina and around her clitoris. We're seeking medical help for this neurological condition, but it's a long and not very hopeful road.
In the meantime, I wonder if there are any games that focus on erotic intimacy but that are not orgasm-focused. We massage one another often, but I'm looking for something a little kinkier, if possible. Alternatively, if anyone can explain how non-genital orgasms work (again, if there's really such a thing), we'd both be, well, grateful.
erotic intimacy, without penetration: bathe together (consider using candle light only), naked twister (not sure how well this works with only two people), strip poker, other stuff from this thread, read each other sexy stories (lushstories is good, but there are others)
"a little kinkier": spanking (there's a huge variety of other bdsm stuff that's not penetrative and not orgasm-based), anal (though it's penetrative, and possibly orgasm-based, you don't mention that she's numb there)
posted by philomathoholic at 7:14 PM on May 1, 2009
"a little kinkier": spanking (there's a huge variety of other bdsm stuff that's not penetrative and not orgasm-based), anal (though it's penetrative, and possibly orgasm-based, you don't mention that she's numb there)
posted by philomathoholic at 7:14 PM on May 1, 2009
A cute/flirty game that can get pretty darn erotic if done right is to trace shapes or pictures on each others bodies. It can start out innocent and get more erotic depending on where/how you do it.
Also, you could play with her hair, or touch her back. Or she could suck on your fingers. That's kinda hot.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:48 PM on May 1, 2009
Also, you could play with her hair, or touch her back. Or she could suck on your fingers. That's kinda hot.
posted by cranberrymonger at 7:48 PM on May 1, 2009
Building on what cranberrymonger said: buy a pack of washable markers. Then you can actually draw on each other's bodies. Topographical maps, full-body tattoos... use your imagination. It's simultaneously goofy, funny, and sensual.
(I do not recommend doing this right before a doctor's appointment, because sometimes the red can stain your skin for a day or so.)
posted by pluckemin at 8:30 PM on May 1, 2009
(I do not recommend doing this right before a doctor's appointment, because sometimes the red can stain your skin for a day or so.)
posted by pluckemin at 8:30 PM on May 1, 2009
It's possible, although I am not saying probable, that this condition is neurotic and that she is unhappy with herself, her life, you, whatever, and the physical symptoms are just part of a coping mechanism of not being able to address this rationally. The location of the physical manifestations points to this over organic causes.
posted by caddis at 8:36 PM on May 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by caddis at 8:36 PM on May 1, 2009 [2 favorites]
Dunno if you two have any interest in BDSM or not, but a vital element for many is exactly what you seek -- not-necessarily-genitally-focused eroticism. Y'know, a mindfuck.
posted by desuetude at 8:38 PM on May 1, 2009
posted by desuetude at 8:38 PM on May 1, 2009
Here is a very short video that talks about pleasure mapping, which Maias refers to. I would think this would be a good thing to research.
But more, I think you and your girlfriend should talk with her neurologist and/or gynecologist, and get referrals to a sex therapist or rehabilitation specialist who can point you both to other resources and provide help specifically geared for her.
Much less helpfully, and probably what you already know... areas of the body that bend are erogenous, so maybe play with that? Back of the knee, inside of the elbow, where the neck meets the collar bone, inside the upper thigh, soles of her feet, the palms of her hands.
posted by Houstonian at 9:59 AM on May 2, 2009
But more, I think you and your girlfriend should talk with her neurologist and/or gynecologist, and get referrals to a sex therapist or rehabilitation specialist who can point you both to other resources and provide help specifically geared for her.
Much less helpfully, and probably what you already know... areas of the body that bend are erogenous, so maybe play with that? Back of the knee, inside of the elbow, where the neck meets the collar bone, inside the upper thigh, soles of her feet, the palms of her hands.
posted by Houstonian at 9:59 AM on May 2, 2009
if anyone can explain how non-genital orgasms work (again, if there's really such a thing)
I can confirm that this is possible.
Inducing these seems to be a skill that some people have picked up. When this skill has been shown off to me it seems to have been accompanied by the sort of attitude one has when doing something one is good at, rather than surprise at the unexpected (on the other's part that is). However, I was not in the best state of mind to make nuanced observations at the time.
Different people have erogenous zones centered in different areas. Trying different types of touches on different areas of the body might be fruitful. Sounds, scents, or stories that appeal to her might also help.
posted by yohko at 10:29 AM on May 2, 2009
I can confirm that this is possible.
Inducing these seems to be a skill that some people have picked up. When this skill has been shown off to me it seems to have been accompanied by the sort of attitude one has when doing something one is good at, rather than surprise at the unexpected (on the other's part that is). However, I was not in the best state of mind to make nuanced observations at the time.
Different people have erogenous zones centered in different areas. Trying different types of touches on different areas of the body might be fruitful. Sounds, scents, or stories that appeal to her might also help.
posted by yohko at 10:29 AM on May 2, 2009
I think they were also the ones who did fMRIi's in women who can "think" themselves to orgasm without physical stimulation
I remember seeing some research on this where doctors were able to implant some sort of device in women who had lost sensitivity in their genital area & were able to stimulate orgasms using the device.
However, in order for it to work, the women must have had plenty of orgasms in the past - the neural pathways simply weren't there for women who hadn't yet had any (or many) orgasms.
The brain maps for the genitals are actually very near the maps for the toes
+1, basically, the nerve that starts in the toes runs up through the legs and right past the genitals & on the surface of the brain where the body is mapped, they're right near each other, which is why good sex is a toe-curling experience.
People who have lost sensation in other areas (or who have lost limbs) can 'remap' the brain so that when, say, you stimulate the shoulder, people feel it in their missing/ sensory troubled hand.
This is also an interesting area of research - the whole "phantom limb" phenomenon where people who have lost a limb can still feel the limb & having an itch they can't scratch (quite literally) drives them crazy.
A type of therapy that's been known to help them is putting a mirror between their two limbs so that the eyes see two whole limbs. This psychologically lets them feel like they have two limbs & allows them to finally scratch that itch.
I'm not sure how this would help exactly, but coupled with some other research into sexuality it may point in some interesting directions.
It turns out that men know what turns them on much better than women do & women are turned on by a wider variety of things. My theory is that this is caused by our plumbing. If a man is aroused, he knows he's aroused because physiologically, it's impossible not to notice the penis becoming erect. Women, on the other hand, have a more subtle, internal mechanism & don't know when they've become physically aroused. Which is why psychology plays a much bigger role on womens' sexuality - their brain isn't told as directly when they're aroused.
This was tested by showing men & women films of various sexual acts and measuring blood flow to the penis & vagina. Men were aroused by fewer things, but knew they were being aroused. Women were aroused by a wider variety of things, and didn't themselves know what turned them on. Some theorize that this is an evolutionary trait to prepare women for rape - if any sexual stimulus causes them to lubricate, the rape is a somewhat less unpleasant experience. I don't fully buy into this, but I don't discount it either.
Anyway, given all of the above, you may be able to find some interesting creative ways to stimulate your partner - have her watch herself in a mirror while you massage, tickle & touch various parts of her body. Experiment with porn or watching sensuous massage videos. Try erotic stories, or erotic role-playing.
Scent is strongly tied to memory, so try different scents (colognes she associates with sexiness, perhaps?). Place is also a strong tool - try fooling around in her teenage bedroom, for example.
The BDSM thread is interesting - you can get a similar high from an adrenaline rush. If you watch some of the more extreme BDSM videos, there is no genital stimulation (of very little), and the girls walk off feeling giddy & they can't stop laughing.
Also consider other pleasurable activities - the sorts of things you hear people saying are "better than sex." Learn music, for example - sing karaoke or get Rock Band. Singing can be very intimate as it engage your whole body & singing in harmony with someone creates a magic that can't really be described. Exercise is another thing people say is better than (or almost as good as) sex. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the feel-good neurotransmitters in the brain. (endorphine and morphine have the same root word & effect).
I could go on & on... but you get the idea.
posted by MesoFilter at 11:28 AM on May 3, 2009
I remember seeing some research on this where doctors were able to implant some sort of device in women who had lost sensitivity in their genital area & were able to stimulate orgasms using the device.
However, in order for it to work, the women must have had plenty of orgasms in the past - the neural pathways simply weren't there for women who hadn't yet had any (or many) orgasms.
The brain maps for the genitals are actually very near the maps for the toes
+1, basically, the nerve that starts in the toes runs up through the legs and right past the genitals & on the surface of the brain where the body is mapped, they're right near each other, which is why good sex is a toe-curling experience.
People who have lost sensation in other areas (or who have lost limbs) can 'remap' the brain so that when, say, you stimulate the shoulder, people feel it in their missing/ sensory troubled hand.
This is also an interesting area of research - the whole "phantom limb" phenomenon where people who have lost a limb can still feel the limb & having an itch they can't scratch (quite literally) drives them crazy.
A type of therapy that's been known to help them is putting a mirror between their two limbs so that the eyes see two whole limbs. This psychologically lets them feel like they have two limbs & allows them to finally scratch that itch.
I'm not sure how this would help exactly, but coupled with some other research into sexuality it may point in some interesting directions.
It turns out that men know what turns them on much better than women do & women are turned on by a wider variety of things. My theory is that this is caused by our plumbing. If a man is aroused, he knows he's aroused because physiologically, it's impossible not to notice the penis becoming erect. Women, on the other hand, have a more subtle, internal mechanism & don't know when they've become physically aroused. Which is why psychology plays a much bigger role on womens' sexuality - their brain isn't told as directly when they're aroused.
This was tested by showing men & women films of various sexual acts and measuring blood flow to the penis & vagina. Men were aroused by fewer things, but knew they were being aroused. Women were aroused by a wider variety of things, and didn't themselves know what turned them on. Some theorize that this is an evolutionary trait to prepare women for rape - if any sexual stimulus causes them to lubricate, the rape is a somewhat less unpleasant experience. I don't fully buy into this, but I don't discount it either.
Anyway, given all of the above, you may be able to find some interesting creative ways to stimulate your partner - have her watch herself in a mirror while you massage, tickle & touch various parts of her body. Experiment with porn or watching sensuous massage videos. Try erotic stories, or erotic role-playing.
Scent is strongly tied to memory, so try different scents (colognes she associates with sexiness, perhaps?). Place is also a strong tool - try fooling around in her teenage bedroom, for example.
The BDSM thread is interesting - you can get a similar high from an adrenaline rush. If you watch some of the more extreme BDSM videos, there is no genital stimulation (of very little), and the girls walk off feeling giddy & they can't stop laughing.
Also consider other pleasurable activities - the sorts of things you hear people saying are "better than sex." Learn music, for example - sing karaoke or get Rock Band. Singing can be very intimate as it engage your whole body & singing in harmony with someone creates a magic that can't really be described. Exercise is another thing people say is better than (or almost as good as) sex. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the feel-good neurotransmitters in the brain. (endorphine and morphine have the same root word & effect).
I could go on & on... but you get the idea.
posted by MesoFilter at 11:28 AM on May 3, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
The brain maps for the genitals are actually very near the maps for the toes, which is why toe-sucking can be erotic even if you don't have neurological problems. It might be worth experimenting with that (look up the "sensory homunculus" online to see the maps) and seeing if you can create arousal (and it is possible to orgasm) via stimulating areas of her body that you wouldn't normally think could arouse to the point of orgasm. Some people find tonguing the ear has this effect as well.
Lots of dirty talk about whatever kinky thing gets you both off could help with this (obviously not simultaneously ;-)
People who have lost sensation in other areas (or who have lost limbs) can 'remap' the brain so that when, say, you stimulate the shoulder, people feel it in their missing/ sensory troubled hand. So that's one possibility, even if it's not exactly what you were looking for. Kissing or gently stroking various parts while her eyes are closed might help you pinpoint such spots.
Also, there's research suggesting that women with spinal cord injuries can still experience orgasm because the information travels on the vagus nerve, which is not in the spine. There are people who specialize in studying this stuff. Barry Komisaruk is one name, I recall. Beverly Whipple is another (I think she also discovered the g-spot). You might try googling and possibly contacting them.
Anyway, I think they were also the ones who did fMRIi's in women who can "think" themselves to orgasm without physical stimulation. So, that, too, is possible, though those people probably have a lower natural threshhold to orgasm than most people.
I think she is likely to find it hot that you are doing this for her in itself, so that might help.
posted by Maias at 5:29 PM on May 1, 2009 [2 favorites]