Help on wedding gift etiquette!
April 27, 2009 8:23 PM Subscribe
According to the google, I have up to a year after someone's wedding to get them a gift. Then why did I get an email that asks about my "unaccounted for gift" and how should I respond?
The actual email:
If you're receiving this email then your gift is currently unaccounted for. We just wanted to make sure nothing was lost during the wedding.
Please reply back as to the contents of your gift (ex: red envelope in the amount of ____, toaster, Macy's gift certificate in the amount of ___ ).
Did I make a faux pas? What do I say now?
The actual email:
If you're receiving this email then your gift is currently unaccounted for. We just wanted to make sure nothing was lost during the wedding.
Please reply back as to the contents of your gift (ex: red envelope in the amount of ____, toaster, Macy's gift certificate in the amount of ___ ).
Did I make a faux pas? What do I say now?
Wow... "unaccounted for"? That strikes me as pretty classless on their part, if not downright rude. Google's not wrong: by custom, you do have a year after the wedding. I'd reply with a simple note saying you haven't given your gift yet, but intend to do so in the near future. But don't be embarrassed; you haven't done anything wrong.
posted by captainawesome at 8:27 PM on April 27, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by captainawesome at 8:27 PM on April 27, 2009 [4 favorites]
Easy: Say nothing, as that is the answer to the question.
But seriously, I wouldn't freak out about this, and I doubt it is any serious infraction on their part. Chances are, Uncle Ralph got drunk at the reception, spilled a bunch of wine on the gifts and some of the cards are illegible now. Bridezilla and Co. just want to make sure that they aren't accidentally forgetting to thank someone properly. There is probably a more delicate way of doing so, but then again, from all the wedding threads we read here we know that neither those hosting nor those attending weddings are particularly good at behaving rationally and reasonably where issues of etiquette are concerned.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:28 PM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
But seriously, I wouldn't freak out about this, and I doubt it is any serious infraction on their part. Chances are, Uncle Ralph got drunk at the reception, spilled a bunch of wine on the gifts and some of the cards are illegible now. Bridezilla and Co. just want to make sure that they aren't accidentally forgetting to thank someone properly. There is probably a more delicate way of doing so, but then again, from all the wedding threads we read here we know that neither those hosting nor those attending weddings are particularly good at behaving rationally and reasonably where issues of etiquette are concerned.
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:28 PM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
What captainawesome said. If they were just sending those out because of some situation like greekphilosophy described, they should have mentioned that in their card rather than just sounding rude. Like, "Some of the cards fell off some of our wedding gifts in transit, so if you wouldn't mind, please let us know what your gift was so we can properly thank everyone," or something like that.
posted by fructose at 8:33 PM on April 27, 2009
posted by fructose at 8:33 PM on April 27, 2009
No, you didn't make a faux pas at all. Your friends' approach is clueless at best, and to my (perhaps over-sensitive) ear comes off as passive-aggressively pressing for gifts. You could send them back a quick email saying you haven't sent anything yet as you're taking your time to find the perfect thing, and then continue to do just that. If they send a reminder after that, they're just being rude.
posted by hippugeek at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by hippugeek at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Poorly worded, but yeah, every friend that has gone through a wedding has a bunch of stray gifts at the end -- online packages that came directly from vendors without gift cards, stuff dropped off at home that don't have the envelope TAPED onto the gift, and that's not even accounting for the fools who bring gifts to the actual wedding itself. They are trying to find the senders of those gifts -- just a badly worded email.
posted by barnone at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by barnone at 8:36 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
A lot would depend on what the bride and groom are like in real life. Since I have no idea, my reaction to this is pretty negative. It seems they're trying to pass it off as an exercise in accounting, but it really appears to be a reminder that you still "owe" them a gift!! It was their responsibility to make sure nothing was lost during the wedding. There's no need to involve the guests after the fact. If there were extenuating circumstances, like fructose or barnone said, they should have explained them. To me, it's pretty tasteless.
posted by yawper at 8:44 PM on April 27, 2009
posted by yawper at 8:44 PM on April 27, 2009
One time a cousin of mine sent me an email not too long after his wedding when I had not yet given a gift, claiming that some gifts had been stolen at the reception and wanted to account for mine. I thought it was a passive aggressive way of saying "We haven't gotten anything from you yet." Maybe I was just being uncharitable.
We didn't have any stray gifts after our wedding (around 125 guests), nor did we check our gift list against our guest list. That's just tacky, in my opinion. If there really were one or two stray gifts, I would have considered sending out a bcc saying something like, "Please tell us if you gave us that wonderful red toaster! The gift card seems to have vanished, but we'd like to thank whoever gave it to us appropriately!"
posted by DavidNYC at 9:14 PM on April 27, 2009
We didn't have any stray gifts after our wedding (around 125 guests), nor did we check our gift list against our guest list. That's just tacky, in my opinion. If there really were one or two stray gifts, I would have considered sending out a bcc saying something like, "Please tell us if you gave us that wonderful red toaster! The gift card seems to have vanished, but we'd like to thank whoever gave it to us appropriately!"
posted by DavidNYC at 9:14 PM on April 27, 2009
Oy. I've known many a bride who had a card mess / tough thank you situation - but the way to deal with that is to do some serious detective work and make lists and call your aunt and etc. It is not ok to send that email. Maybe I'm a jerk or I'm too worried that we'll all be dead of mexican swine flu by the end of May to be my best self.... but right now, I'd say that if I'd got that email, I'd reply "haven't sent a gift yet!" - and then never send one ever.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:17 PM on April 27, 2009 [11 favorites]
posted by moxiedoll at 9:17 PM on April 27, 2009 [11 favorites]
that's not even accounting for the fools who bring gifts to the actual wedding itself
i don't want to hijack this thread with a tangent, but could you go a little further here? i'm relatively socially clueless, and didn't know that bringing gifts to the actual wedding was a bad idea, or that you're supposed to do something different. every wedding i've ever been to has had a table or something near the entrance, piled with gifts. what should i be doing instead?
posted by sergeant sandwich at 9:35 PM on April 27, 2009
i don't want to hijack this thread with a tangent, but could you go a little further here? i'm relatively socially clueless, and didn't know that bringing gifts to the actual wedding was a bad idea, or that you're supposed to do something different. every wedding i've ever been to has had a table or something near the entrance, piled with gifts. what should i be doing instead?
posted by sergeant sandwich at 9:35 PM on April 27, 2009
That email is appalling. Ignore.
posted by lottie at 9:40 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by lottie at 9:40 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
or if you don't want to ignore, send it to etiquettehell.com
posted by lottie at 9:41 PM on April 27, 2009
posted by lottie at 9:41 PM on April 27, 2009
sargeant sandwich - it's a million times easier on the couple and families to receive gifts at their home. After the ceremony, everyone is exhausted (like bone-tired after wedding planning for many months exhausted) and usually a little tipsy, and it's late in the night. Having to cart big bulky gifts all to a car, or taxi, or limo, and then into the house, not dropping anything (like those heavy crystal bowls) is a royal pain in the butt. Not to mention if it's raining, and women are in heels, where is my coat, carry the sleeping kid, grab all of the expensive and lovely flowers for the morning after brunch, etc.
And so many couples don't have weddings in the city where they actually reside -- so getting gifts home is a logistical nightmare. Or if they do live there, they're going to a hotel, and then to a honeymoon.
Most folks these days register at places that have an online delivery option -- if at all possible, go that route. Of course, if your culture always has the "wishing well" for cash-money envelopes, or a table on which you're *supposed* to leave your gift, ignore my advice. But if you're in the US and the couple has registered at Williams Sonoma, Macy's, Bed Bath & Beyond, Amazon, etc., etc., just send the gift through the mail. It's so much easier on everyone.
And yeah, in this scenario, the key is to do some serious sleuthing - asking around, not sending out a crass email like this.
posted by barnone at 9:57 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
And so many couples don't have weddings in the city where they actually reside -- so getting gifts home is a logistical nightmare. Or if they do live there, they're going to a hotel, and then to a honeymoon.
Most folks these days register at places that have an online delivery option -- if at all possible, go that route. Of course, if your culture always has the "wishing well" for cash-money envelopes, or a table on which you're *supposed* to leave your gift, ignore my advice. But if you're in the US and the couple has registered at Williams Sonoma, Macy's, Bed Bath & Beyond, Amazon, etc., etc., just send the gift through the mail. It's so much easier on everyone.
And yeah, in this scenario, the key is to do some serious sleuthing - asking around, not sending out a crass email like this.
posted by barnone at 9:57 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Tacky, tacky, tacky. I hope someone sends back an email to them saying "I sent a check for $1000 [or some other wildly exorbitant but possibly realistic amount that would make the tacky couple salivate] and my bank says it's already been cashed so I know you received it. Hope you found a good use for it!" and let them freak out.
posted by amyms at 10:29 PM on April 27, 2009 [13 favorites]
posted by amyms at 10:29 PM on April 27, 2009 [13 favorites]
A way to avoid this, by the way, is for couples getting married to label all gifts and save everything that comes with them.1 Get some really tiny labels (just large enough to write 2 or 3 letters on) and a notebook. Divide the notebook into sections alphabetically (a pre-printed address book can be used for this, too). As gifts come in, enter them into the notebook according to the first letter of the giver's last name, and assign them a number, which will then go on the label which is stuck to the gift (and to its box, and to its card, etc.—label everything).
So, for example, say the first four gifts received (in order of receipt) are a mixing bowl set from John Hughes that came in a box with no card, a dinner plate from Nora Ephron that came only with a calling card, a kazoo and a check for $50 (no box, no card) from Ron Howard, and a candlestick from Rob Reiner that came in a box with a lovely letter telling the story of how his grandmother gave it to him. This is what the entry for each looks like:
Now, weeks after the wedding, when the bride and groom return from their honeymoon, they can start writing their thank you notes. The notebook is the main reference for this—it should have all the information needed to write each note (and because each item is entered in order of receipt, it makes it easy to write notes in that order, so the first person to give a gift isn't the last person to receive a note). If Nora Ephron is coming over for lunch, and you haven't yet sent her a note, you can look her up in the notebook and say something about the lovely dinner plate she gave you, even if it's already been returned. Labeling everything also means that reminders of the people who gave the gifts stick around. My parents can still tell you who gave them their china, because a number of their gift labels are still on the dishes, 30 years after they got married.
1If there is a room somewhere that can become "the gift room" all the better. Where I come from, it is a tradition to display gifts in such a room, but a display isn't necessary; all you need is a designated place to put things.
2Note that the names within each section aren't alphabetical. The codes are order of receipt, since that's how the names will go in the book.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:42 PM on April 27, 2009 [8 favorites]
So, for example, say the first four gifts received (in order of receipt) are a mixing bowl set from John Hughes that came in a box with no card, a dinner plate from Nora Ephron that came only with a calling card, a kazoo and a check for $50 (no box, no card) from Ron Howard, and a candlestick from Rob Reiner that came in a box with a lovely letter telling the story of how his grandmother gave it to him. This is what the entry for each looks like:
- E
- E1 Nora Ephron. Formal dinner plate. 1/16/09 H
- H1 John Hughes. Williams-Sonoma mixing bowl set. 1/14/09
- H2 Ron Howard.2 Kazoo and check for $25. 1/22/09 R
- R1 Rob Reiner. Heirloom candlestick and letter (candlestick belonged to his grandmother). 1/23/09
Now, weeks after the wedding, when the bride and groom return from their honeymoon, they can start writing their thank you notes. The notebook is the main reference for this—it should have all the information needed to write each note (and because each item is entered in order of receipt, it makes it easy to write notes in that order, so the first person to give a gift isn't the last person to receive a note). If Nora Ephron is coming over for lunch, and you haven't yet sent her a note, you can look her up in the notebook and say something about the lovely dinner plate she gave you, even if it's already been returned. Labeling everything also means that reminders of the people who gave the gifts stick around. My parents can still tell you who gave them their china, because a number of their gift labels are still on the dishes, 30 years after they got married.
1If there is a room somewhere that can become "the gift room" all the better. Where I come from, it is a tradition to display gifts in such a room, but a display isn't necessary; all you need is a designated place to put things.
2Note that the names within each section aren't alphabetical. The codes are order of receipt, since that's how the names will go in the book.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:42 PM on April 27, 2009 [8 favorites]
Gah. R2 should read "Kazoo and check for $50." Ron Howard's not that much of a cheapskate.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:44 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ocherdraco at 10:44 PM on April 27, 2009 [1 favorite]
Bleck, with a side of ugh. As a charitable girl, I can stretch my imagination and conclude that perhaps this recently wedded couple is extremely conscientious about writing thank-you notes and acknowledging gifts but holy lord, that is a reach.
I can't read the email (an email! an unpersonalized, form-letter email!) without conjuring up images of the bride and groom going down the guest list, cross referencing with the gifts they received and making detailed notes of each one. This is a weird thing to do.
So what should your reply be? Don't. There's no need to inform them of your future gift plans so that their ledgers balance and everything adds up just right. Then anything you get them will be even more of a surprise.
posted by amicamentis at 10:44 PM on April 27, 2009
I can't read the email (an email! an unpersonalized, form-letter email!) without conjuring up images of the bride and groom going down the guest list, cross referencing with the gifts they received and making detailed notes of each one. This is a weird thing to do.
So what should your reply be? Don't. There's no need to inform them of your future gift plans so that their ledgers balance and everything adds up just right. Then anything you get them will be even more of a surprise.
posted by amicamentis at 10:44 PM on April 27, 2009
And by 'a weird thing to do', I mean the 'if you're receiving this email...' communication is a bizarre way to go about it. Keeping careful notes at the time and writing timely thank-yous is a nice thing to do. I agree with barnone and moxiedoll above - a personal, private inquiry would have been the best way to go here.
posted by amicamentis at 10:50 PM on April 27, 2009
posted by amicamentis at 10:50 PM on April 27, 2009
After ocherdraco's thoroughly civilized response, I can't help but feel gauche when I say - how breathtakingly tacky it was for them to send that email.
However, good manners dictate that you don't point out the failings of others. Depending on how close you are to the happy couple, (and how close you want to remain) I'd send a note saying you're still looking for just the right gift and follow through - or not - accordingly.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:52 PM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
However, good manners dictate that you don't point out the failings of others. Depending on how close you are to the happy couple, (and how close you want to remain) I'd send a note saying you're still looking for just the right gift and follow through - or not - accordingly.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:52 PM on April 27, 2009 [3 favorites]
Seconding what barnone said. I think if your gift is a check or cash, it's okay to bring that to the wedding - those are easy enough to stick in a pocket or handbag, or give to mom (say) to hold on to until the night's over. Anything larger than an envelope should go by mail, unless the custom particularly demands it. And even for checks, it's still preferable to mail them - one fewer thing for the couple to worry about.
posted by DavidNYC at 11:09 PM on April 27, 2009
posted by DavidNYC at 11:09 PM on April 27, 2009
methinks ocherdraco's plan only works if you unwrap things in the presence of those who gave them. In my family (because 'culture' is just so broad) that would be considered extremely rude.
Otherwise, you still have lost cards and tags such that you don't know (for example) who gave you that kazoo which was sitting on top of Ron's check but underneath Aunt Elizabeth's.
I'm inclined to assume the best here - something in the lines of crazy uncle Ralph spilling wine all over the cards, and then they all get shuffled together in the frantic clean up (as per greekphilosophy). Sure, it's not the nicest way for them to send their request for help, and it could easily be a cover for fishing for gifts, but it can also come from legitimate confusion. With the sheer number of gifts one goes through at a wedding, along with all the other details being managed at the same time, the surprising thing would be NOT getting things mixed up or lost.
Re: the harsher comments, I wouldn't worry about estranging or trying to "lose" a friend who would passive-aggressively fish for presents. If they're truly selfish and grubbing for gifts, they'll estrange themselves quite fine without any help on your part. Not everyone is a master of etiquette, especially when it touches on areas that we treat differently in our day-to-day lives - giving a Mother's Day gift even a week after the fact would be very unexpected, and many of us are used to just dashing off quick emails to relatively large groups of people. I would just chalk it up to inexperience, and give a gift or not depending on how bitter of a taste it leaves in your mouth and what your own judgment is of their motivations.
posted by Lady Li at 12:37 AM on April 28, 2009
Otherwise, you still have lost cards and tags such that you don't know (for example) who gave you that kazoo which was sitting on top of Ron's check but underneath Aunt Elizabeth's.
I'm inclined to assume the best here - something in the lines of crazy uncle Ralph spilling wine all over the cards, and then they all get shuffled together in the frantic clean up (as per greekphilosophy). Sure, it's not the nicest way for them to send their request for help, and it could easily be a cover for fishing for gifts, but it can also come from legitimate confusion. With the sheer number of gifts one goes through at a wedding, along with all the other details being managed at the same time, the surprising thing would be NOT getting things mixed up or lost.
Re: the harsher comments, I wouldn't worry about estranging or trying to "lose" a friend who would passive-aggressively fish for presents. If they're truly selfish and grubbing for gifts, they'll estrange themselves quite fine without any help on your part. Not everyone is a master of etiquette, especially when it touches on areas that we treat differently in our day-to-day lives - giving a Mother's Day gift even a week after the fact would be very unexpected, and many of us are used to just dashing off quick emails to relatively large groups of people. I would just chalk it up to inexperience, and give a gift or not depending on how bitter of a taste it leaves in your mouth and what your own judgment is of their motivations.
posted by Lady Li at 12:37 AM on April 28, 2009
Whilst it may be okay according to Google, I can't help thinking you might be slightly embarassed by the fact that everyone else appears to have bought their present before the wedding.
Next time I'd suggest being a little more organized. At least then you wouldn't get poorly worded emails like this to deal with.
posted by mr_silver at 12:38 AM on April 28, 2009
Next time I'd suggest being a little more organized. At least then you wouldn't get poorly worded emails like this to deal with.
posted by mr_silver at 12:38 AM on April 28, 2009
how should I respond?
You could allow your generosity as someone giving a gift, extend to generously overlooking their somewhat tacky e-mail. You could reply to them saying:
Dear Krystal and Kurt, thank you for your e-mail. You are correct that you have not yet received a gift from me; my research into etiquette lead me to believe I had up to 3 months after the wedding to send a gift (e.g. http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/tips/wedding_gifts.htm) and I wanted to use the extra time to find the perfect gift. Had I known an account of gifts was to be calculated so soon after the wedding, I would have made my selection sooner, as my gift is indeed currently unaccounted for! This morning I ordered the "Cuisinart WAF-4B 4-Slice Belgian Waffle Iron, Brushed Stainless" from your wedding list and it should be with you soon.
I mean, they might be misinformed about etiquette, but that won't stop them taking offence and considering you miserly, unless you take a moment to inform them about the etiquette of the situation.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:57 AM on April 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
You could allow your generosity as someone giving a gift, extend to generously overlooking their somewhat tacky e-mail. You could reply to them saying:
Dear Krystal and Kurt, thank you for your e-mail. You are correct that you have not yet received a gift from me; my research into etiquette lead me to believe I had up to 3 months after the wedding to send a gift (e.g. http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/tips/wedding_gifts.htm) and I wanted to use the extra time to find the perfect gift. Had I known an account of gifts was to be calculated so soon after the wedding, I would have made my selection sooner, as my gift is indeed currently unaccounted for! This morning I ordered the "Cuisinart WAF-4B 4-Slice Belgian Waffle Iron, Brushed Stainless" from your wedding list and it should be with you soon.
I mean, they might be misinformed about etiquette, but that won't stop them taking offence and considering you miserly, unless you take a moment to inform them about the etiquette of the situation.
posted by Mike1024 at 12:57 AM on April 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
It is a bit tackily worded, but I really don't think that it's a gift grab. They might have five or ten gifts without names to put to them, and, having no idea what your relationship to the couple is, you might be someone that they totally expected to receive a gift from. I think they're more worried about seeming rude in not thanking people the generous gifts that they've received.
As an aside, I've never heard of waiting until after the wedding to purchase gifts, but I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about. I think Mike1024's response is perfect.
posted by Magnakai at 2:27 AM on April 28, 2009
As an aside, I've never heard of waiting until after the wedding to purchase gifts, but I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about. I think Mike1024's response is perfect.
posted by Magnakai at 2:27 AM on April 28, 2009
"On the occasion of your wedding, and with full hope that my gift may be the harbinger of better times, i hereby graciously ignore your horrific email."
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:36 AM on April 28, 2009 [11 favorites]
posted by CautionToTheWind at 2:36 AM on April 28, 2009 [11 favorites]
"Nothing now, jerks!"
Or, if ever there were an occasion to send an Emily Post book as a passive-aggressive gift, now is the time.
I am hoping the couple's intentions were good and that they're just trying to match presents to names for the sake of writing thank-you notes. But really, that's pretty tacky. I at least hope they put all the recipients' addresses in the bcc field so you don't see the other 40 delinquent gift-givers who received the email. If not, I strongly recommend you craft a gracious email reply along the lines of Mike1024's, and then "accidentally" hit "reply all."
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:34 AM on April 28, 2009
Or, if ever there were an occasion to send an Emily Post book as a passive-aggressive gift, now is the time.
I am hoping the couple's intentions were good and that they're just trying to match presents to names for the sake of writing thank-you notes. But really, that's pretty tacky. I at least hope they put all the recipients' addresses in the bcc field so you don't see the other 40 delinquent gift-givers who received the email. If not, I strongly recommend you craft a gracious email reply along the lines of Mike1024's, and then "accidentally" hit "reply all."
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:34 AM on April 28, 2009
That email is rude, and deserves no response. Or, if you don't really care for the couple, a more appropriate response would be "The gift is in the mail." and don't send anything. Fuck them for being so rude.
posted by Simon Barclay at 6:18 AM on April 28, 2009
posted by Simon Barclay at 6:18 AM on April 28, 2009
I'd feign surprise and say the thank you card you expected was unaccounted for.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:32 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:32 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
What do I say now?
I'd recommend a simple, light, "Nope, I haven't sent a gift yet! Thanks for checking!"
Etiquette demands that you treat their message as if the more charitable interpretation is correct: that they are sincere when they say they "just wanted to make sure nothing was lost during the wedding," even if they are going about it in a crass way, and even though the less charitable interpretation is certainly a plausible one. Etiquette also demands that you do nothing to draw attention to the rudeness of others.
This response a) doesn't apologize for anything, since you haven't done anything wrong; b) doesn't say that you're going to send a gift, since you don't owe one, but leaves the door open for you to send one if you do; c) allows them to maintain the "just checking if anything was lost" facade even if they were really grubbing for more gifts; and d) does not imply they are unaware that wedding guests have a year to send a gift.
You should not take one of the passive-agressive approaches that several people have suggested in this thread (and I hope they were joking), as that is the height of social cowardice. If these are only casual acquaintances and this offense leads you to decide you don't wish to associate with them anymore, then you can either not reply at all, or tell them flat out that you don't wish to associate with them anymore, and why. The message they sent was rude; doing something like saying your gift is on its way but never sending one is worse. You should also not pointedly remark that you have up to a year to send a gift; maybe you will cease to be "miserly" in their eyes, but instead you become a holier-than-thou know-it-all who takes every opportunity to lecture people on their failings. Frankly, I'd rather be perceived as miserly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:13 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'd recommend a simple, light, "Nope, I haven't sent a gift yet! Thanks for checking!"
Etiquette demands that you treat their message as if the more charitable interpretation is correct: that they are sincere when they say they "just wanted to make sure nothing was lost during the wedding," even if they are going about it in a crass way, and even though the less charitable interpretation is certainly a plausible one. Etiquette also demands that you do nothing to draw attention to the rudeness of others.
This response a) doesn't apologize for anything, since you haven't done anything wrong; b) doesn't say that you're going to send a gift, since you don't owe one, but leaves the door open for you to send one if you do; c) allows them to maintain the "just checking if anything was lost" facade even if they were really grubbing for more gifts; and d) does not imply they are unaware that wedding guests have a year to send a gift.
You should not take one of the passive-agressive approaches that several people have suggested in this thread (and I hope they were joking), as that is the height of social cowardice. If these are only casual acquaintances and this offense leads you to decide you don't wish to associate with them anymore, then you can either not reply at all, or tell them flat out that you don't wish to associate with them anymore, and why. The message they sent was rude; doing something like saying your gift is on its way but never sending one is worse. You should also not pointedly remark that you have up to a year to send a gift; maybe you will cease to be "miserly" in their eyes, but instead you become a holier-than-thou know-it-all who takes every opportunity to lecture people on their failings. Frankly, I'd rather be perceived as miserly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:13 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
I have stopped being surprised that so many folks who insist on proper etiquette from others seem to think that the appropriate response to a (possibly unwitting) faux pas is an intentional act of rudeness or hostility. That, gentle readers, is not the way forward. Being gracious to those who are gracious is easy. Making a gracious response in a more challenging circumstance is the true test.
The early responses from greekphilosophy and captainawesome were good. I might suggest a reply along the lines of:
It was wonderful to be part of your wedding celebration! I'm sorry to hear that there has been a mix-up with some of the gifts. I hope you get it all sorted out soon. I can let you know that you haven't misplaced anything from me--my gift has not yet been sent.
Best wishes for many years of happiness together!
Anonymous
Depending on your relationship and the age of the couple--say, if you are the beloved aunt or uncle of a twenty-one year old bride or groom--this could be an occasion to tactfully mention "It occurs to me that others might find this a bit tactless, or that a cash-strapped friend who wanted to celebrate with you but was unable to bring a gift might feel embarrassed to receive this email. Knowing you so well, I realized immediately that you were trying to fix some gaps in your record-keeping, but others might have misunderstood."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:28 AM on April 28, 2009 [15 favorites]
The early responses from greekphilosophy and captainawesome were good. I might suggest a reply along the lines of:
It was wonderful to be part of your wedding celebration! I'm sorry to hear that there has been a mix-up with some of the gifts. I hope you get it all sorted out soon. I can let you know that you haven't misplaced anything from me--my gift has not yet been sent.
Best wishes for many years of happiness together!
Anonymous
Depending on your relationship and the age of the couple--say, if you are the beloved aunt or uncle of a twenty-one year old bride or groom--this could be an occasion to tactfully mention "It occurs to me that others might find this a bit tactless, or that a cash-strapped friend who wanted to celebrate with you but was unable to bring a gift might feel embarrassed to receive this email. Knowing you so well, I realized immediately that you were trying to fix some gaps in your record-keeping, but others might have misunderstood."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:28 AM on April 28, 2009 [15 favorites]
Oh damn it, I'm so tired of being nice. I want to live vicariously through you. If they were truly interested in making sure everyone got thank you notes, the email would have said something like, "I'm afraid we lost a few tags off the gifts. If you sent us a gift and have not received a thank you note, please reply so that we may thank you properly!" And the recipients would be bcc'd.
How close are you to these people? I think you should write them back and say, "I was going to send you a gift later, but you're tacky, so nevermind." Of course that's not what I would say - I would just chicken out and send them something too expensive out of misplaced guilt. That's why I need you to do it for me.
posted by Evangeline at 7:57 AM on April 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
How close are you to these people? I think you should write them back and say, "I was going to send you a gift later, but you're tacky, so nevermind." Of course that's not what I would say - I would just chicken out and send them something too expensive out of misplaced guilt. That's why I need you to do it for me.
posted by Evangeline at 7:57 AM on April 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
On the one hand the email does initally come off as rude and tacky, but when I think about it and read some of the responses, I think that perhaps something occured in the transport of gifts and they are trying to see if they missed someone on their thank you card list.
Of course if that is true, it would have been much better to just have said "there was an indicent in which we got some cards mixed up with gifts, so we just want to make sure we properly thank everyone so much for their generosity."
..... this reminds me of my wedding a bit. I made two little "mailboxes" for cards to go into so that they wouldn't get lost. One couple who came (who weren't even invited) but their card in with another person's gift. They are the same people who leaned over and whispered into my ear "sorry but money is tight so we didn't get you a gift" and "you really should get back into church."
posted by ForeverDcember at 8:01 AM on April 28, 2009
Of course if that is true, it would have been much better to just have said "there was an indicent in which we got some cards mixed up with gifts, so we just want to make sure we properly thank everyone so much for their generosity."
..... this reminds me of my wedding a bit. I made two little "mailboxes" for cards to go into so that they wouldn't get lost. One couple who came (who weren't even invited) but their card in with another person's gift. They are the same people who leaned over and whispered into my ear "sorry but money is tight so we didn't get you a gift" and "you really should get back into church."
posted by ForeverDcember at 8:01 AM on April 28, 2009
The idea that you have a year to send a wedding gift is a myth in any case. Of course, you can send a gift to someone at any time for any reason, but if you're giving them something for their wedding, send it to their home shortly before or after the wedding itself. Most etiquette mavens these days are giving you three months at the outside to get it there after the wedding, but even that's a ridiculously long time.
Unless there are distinct extenuating circumstances, like you're currently deployed in Iraq or you just lost your job, wedding gifts shouldn't be so late that the giftees have already send all their damned thank you cards.
Sending gifts to the home is generally preferred because of the logistics issues with getting gifts from the wedding back to where they need to be, but there are geographic, ethnic and class divisions there, so bringing it to the wedding might be fine in your circles.
That said, in terms of how to deal with this specific situation, I'd go with DevilsAdvocate's approach. There's a 98% chance that your friends are total jerks who are demanding your gift, and a 2% chance that there's been a genuine mix-up that they're concerned about, and his version deals with both quite well.
Of course, if you send a gift now, you're going to be reinforcing their bad behaviour in the case that they are jerks. So despite my injunction to send gifts quickly, I'd probably hold off a few weeks in sending one at this point, just so they don't get quite the immediate payoff to their assholery.
Lost cards, stolen gifts and mismatched gifts are a legitimate problem that etiquette doesn't handle very neatly. There are two views on how that works. One is that a person who does not receive a thank you, whether written or verbal, in a reasonable amount of time, asks, in a low key sort of way (without demands for a thank you letter) whether it was received. The other is that the wedding party sends out 'thank you for celebrating with us' notes to all the people who didn't give them gifts, and the recipient, recognizing that there was no mention of their generous gift (cash) or very useful toaster (gift) then does the first thing -- asks if they maybe didn't get it. Both of these kind of put the onus on the giver to check back on things, but they eliminate or reduce the 'WHERE'S MY GIFT?' aspect of things.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:23 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Unless there are distinct extenuating circumstances, like you're currently deployed in Iraq or you just lost your job, wedding gifts shouldn't be so late that the giftees have already send all their damned thank you cards.
Sending gifts to the home is generally preferred because of the logistics issues with getting gifts from the wedding back to where they need to be, but there are geographic, ethnic and class divisions there, so bringing it to the wedding might be fine in your circles.
That said, in terms of how to deal with this specific situation, I'd go with DevilsAdvocate's approach. There's a 98% chance that your friends are total jerks who are demanding your gift, and a 2% chance that there's been a genuine mix-up that they're concerned about, and his version deals with both quite well.
Of course, if you send a gift now, you're going to be reinforcing their bad behaviour in the case that they are jerks. So despite my injunction to send gifts quickly, I'd probably hold off a few weeks in sending one at this point, just so they don't get quite the immediate payoff to their assholery.
Lost cards, stolen gifts and mismatched gifts are a legitimate problem that etiquette doesn't handle very neatly. There are two views on how that works. One is that a person who does not receive a thank you, whether written or verbal, in a reasonable amount of time, asks, in a low key sort of way (without demands for a thank you letter) whether it was received. The other is that the wedding party sends out 'thank you for celebrating with us' notes to all the people who didn't give them gifts, and the recipient, recognizing that there was no mention of their generous gift (cash) or very useful toaster (gift) then does the first thing -- asks if they maybe didn't get it. Both of these kind of put the onus on the giver to check back on things, but they eliminate or reduce the 'WHERE'S MY GIFT?' aspect of things.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:23 AM on April 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by radioamy at 8:27 PM on April 27, 2009 [35 favorites]