What is the deal with face sitting and giant women?
March 4, 2009 7:19 AM   Subscribe

Please help me understand my new husband's not-exactly-pRon predilections.

My husband and I have been married for 2 months after dating for a year. I am in my mid-thirties; he is a decade older. Neither of us has been married before or lived with anyone.

I am very much in love with him and admire and respect him more than I ever thought was possible. I am certain he feels the same way. However, we are not starry-eyed idiots and have had our issues and disagreements - we have just been determined to work through them and understand each other. We are both really happy and feel ridiculously lucky to have found each other.

One of the areas of compatibility between us is that although we are open-minded and liberal, our historical individual behaviors are conservative and romantic. That is, we believe that people can live their lives any way they choose and express themselves fully - whether that means sexual orientation, having tons of partners, getting off on wearing a chicken suit, whatever - but personally, we have both been rather boring. Neither of us has experimented sexually much, and I've only been sexual when in a committed love relationship. According to his self-report, he's had one-night stands and such, but other than that, is quite vanilla (his word). We have discussed this openly and laughed at ourselves. Unsolicited, he has mentioned that he doesn't see why pRon is interesting to anyone. I know y'all may be all like, HE'S LYING/NOT TELLING YOU, but in my experience with him, he's pretty open and unashamed to admit other things, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt here. Also, I didn't "prompt" this conversation or its direction. Hey, we know we're not perfect, and laugh about our foibles. He's quite gracious about mine.

Well. We moved in together right after getting married in January. He is absolutely retarded with technology and cannot even plug in his PC without me. The day after we moved in I was waiting for a delivery, at home, bored out of my tree and without internet service, so I was cleaning up his PC. He has always said I can do anything I want with his computer, so I was NOT snooping so let's not get into that discussion. I would never read his emails or anything like that. I was simply cleaning up his files and arranging them in a more efficient way. Bored, I looked at his RealPlayer downloads because we send each other stupid videos and as we didn't have internet yet, I hoped to amuse myself with something. That's when I found the face-sitting videos.

These clips involved no nudity, though the zaftig women were scantily clad. These obviously overweight women were, um, sitting on men's faces and kind of rubbing it around. In some, the women were eating a meal while sitting on the dude's face. (?????) (I only mention that the women were overweight because it seems that men USUALLY like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model type and I think it might be relevant. I am not trying to insult anyone - it was just surprising to me given my naive expectations about what men like. I am far from perfect myself and would never meet our cultural standards for beauty).

I was stunned. It was completely unexpected. However, I am fine with him enjoying himself and believe in personal privacy within a relationship and hope that we each have our own, private areas apart from the other person. To be perfectly honest, I was relieved the women weren't "perfect" or buxom - we are both athletes in a particular sport, which is how we met, and fitness is important to us - but he has ALWAYS said he thinks I am perfect and does not want me to change my figure. (That doesn't mean I am not insecure around Victoria's Secret models, though, so I, immaturely, was thrilled these women weren't beautiful and skinny. I AM SO FLAWED, I know).

I didn't say anything, of course, but I did mention to him later that if he had any fantasies or things he wanted to try, I was totally game and would love to hear them. He said, of course, and you, too, but didn't ever reveal any. Oh, in my opinion, our sex life is great, though perhaps boring to the outside observer.

So I kinda forgot about it for a while until last night, when I was looking in our history for a page I'd been on earlier and found some more face-sitting and also...giant women. He had been home alone and, I guess, looking at this stuff. Some of these videos were Second-Life seeming animations (if that is the right word) and the women would grow really tall and sit on a tiny guy. Everyone was fully clothed. I looked at a few of them and was frankly puzzled. As I mentioned, there were also more overweight women sitting on dude's faces. I deleted the history and didn't say anything. He obviously does not know how to delete history, poor thing.

SO. My questions are:
(1) Can anyone give me insight into the psychology of this preference? Does he want to be dominated? Does he want a really tall woman? (I am very short). Does anyone know anything about this? Any light you can shed would be interesting to me.
(2) I feel so stupid asking this, but should I just, like, sit on his face one day, or is there a difference in fantasy and reality? God, I feel like a doofus. I have seen maybe one pRon movie and it didn't seem sexy to me at all.
(3) Why would a guy want a woman to grow really tall and then sit on him? I am perplexed.
(4) Is there anything I am completely unaware of that is making you laugh hysterically at how dumb I am? I am kind of a nerd so I might have missed some MAJOR part of culture that explains this.

Oh. Perhaps relevant: He is a middle child of three boys with a rather dominant mother and completely absent father. I am the least bossy person on the planet and kind of go with the flow no matter what - I'm not much of a leader. He's not spiritual/religious at all. I am trying to think of what else might be relevant. I love him very much and want him to be happy. I am *not* concerned that he didn't share this with me - that's his business and his decision. However, now that I know, I am burning with curiosity as to what this "means" in terms of his psychology. I would never, ever have expected this particular preference (though I admit I must be unaware of the vast smorgasbord of pRon options out there. Wow.).

If I have missed something, throwaway email is donotunderstandfacesitting@gmail.com. Thank you!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Sounds like he's into any of the following: facesitting, BDSM and BBW or feederism fetishes. These are all the basic wikipedia links for initial browsing.
posted by meerkatty at 7:28 AM on March 4, 2009

There is a difference between fantasy and reality. In the past, I have been involved with women who described fantasies to me. They explained that while the -idea- of it was very sexy, the -reality- would be mostly horrifying and not fun.

The best bet, of course, is communication. This will be tricky, because you may find yourself in a position of having to admit how you found stuff that he probably didn't want you to see.
posted by DWRoelands at 7:30 AM on March 4, 2009

Why worry about the psychology of it? It's just a harmless fetish.

At least you know your husband likes facesitting now, so you can surprise him the next time you're getting frisky. He will be very happy.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:38 AM on March 4, 2009

He could be trying to get less vanilla and start exploring his kink. Maybe this is where he started. And possibly wanted to shy away from the typical, unrealistic standard of what women look like. Maybe he was curious what facesitting is like with someone heavier than you, to find out what to expect. Or maybe he's into heavy women/facesitting/etc.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:44 AM on March 4, 2009

Maybe he's excited by the idea of unequal power dynamics, but is embarrassed to tell you? Sometimes it's much easier to admit to a general acceptance than a specific interest; i.e. "Consenting adults can do whatever they like" is a lot easier to say than "I fantasize about giant women sitting on my face." If he's just beginning to explore his kink, he may be worried about a vanilla partner's reaction.

But DWRoelands has it: the best way to understand what's going on in his mind is to hear it from him. You may not want to instigate a talk out of concern for putting him on the spot, but I have a feeling you guys have a good chance of having a positive conversation. You weren't snooping, you sound pretty nonjudgmental to me, and you're genuinely interested in understanding what turns him on (and whether he'd like you to participate). Good luck!
posted by collectallfour at 7:53 AM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I really disagree with any advice to just spring it on him full-out without warning. People do not always want to act out what they enjoy looking at/fantasizing about, especially if it is a private predilection that they are clearly not ready to talk about.

It seems like a pretty straightforward domination fantasy to me, some unorthodox elements but basically, she's in charge, right? Because she grew into a giantess. Doesn't really do it for me but I can see how that could be hot.

Actually, this is something you could ease into subtly via a pretty vanilla technique, i.e. straddling his face to receive oral sex. At this point the line between making yourself available for pleasure versus kinda sorta smothering is about 4 inches. Proceed as seems appropriate to his response.
posted by nanojath at 7:53 AM on March 4, 2009

I'd like to disagree with KokuRyu; sometimes fantasies are just that and the fantasizer doesn't WANT them acted out in real life. (I speak from personal experience.)
posted by arimathea at 7:54 AM on March 4, 2009 [6 favorites]

People have odd interests that strike their fancy, and it might even be a passing thing inspired by some weird links he encountered while surfing. It might be something from the corner of his personality he needs to get out of his system, an idle indulgence that will seem silly to him, too, in a few months from now. I'm not sure what you mean by him being "open about other things" but in general sex issues and private fantasies are something most people are inhibited about revealing and about which they behave completely differently, compared to everything else in their life.

Also, and I am not an expert on these things, but I get the impression many people have different interests for sex with a partner activities versus masturbatory stimulation, so when he says he's satisfied with what he's doing with you, it's probably completely honest. On preview, I would tread much more carefully than KokuRyu's advice.

And as DWRoelands said, it will be difficult to discuss this directly, since (although I know, you don't want to hear it, but you need to face the fact) you uncovered this while snooping. The first day you lived together.

I think a universal rule of thumb for the digital/internet age needs to be promulgated, comparable to the old rule of thumb, "Never, ever, EVER read your spouse / girl- or boy-friends's diary, ever -- seriously, you will regret it forever, I promise you, no matter how well you think you know them or how open they seem to be, just don't do it," but with the same sentiment about browser histories or hard drive temp folder clutter.

It might also be a good idea for you to take the initiative to turn on the browser feature that clears the history when the browser is closed, if you think he's too computer illiterate to even know the history is there.
posted by aught at 8:08 AM on March 4, 2009

Talk with him about it. Express your curiosity and willingness to play.
posted by Carol Anne at 8:23 AM on March 4, 2009

did you ask if these are fantasies or if he was just looking around at random weird stuff on the internet? I don't know if a browser history indicates a "fetish". Isn't it possible it was just some morbid curiosity or bored wandering around or whatever? I would check in with the primary source before making assumptions.
posted by mdn at 8:26 AM on March 4, 2009

Was this one downloading session or many clips downloaded across many days/weeks?

I've had the occasional Rule #34 conversation in IRC in which we one up each other with "No, this fetish is totally more out there than that fetish." or "Dude, have you seen this very strange video?"

Downloading one or even a couple of video clips, one time, isn't really indicative of much of anything other than that the subject came up in some conversation some time and he was checking it out. Unless the file dates indicate that this is an ongoing interest, I'd just ignore it.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:29 AM on March 4, 2009

I have heard of this "giant woman" thing before and can not remember the name of it. Obviously it is usually cartoons. I don't think it is uncommon, though I also don't get what is the turn on...but then again fetishes don't really make sense, they just are what they are.

Personally I would leave this in the dark and not try to incorporate it into your lovelife. You have been open and willing with him, so when/if he is ever ready to explore it with you, it doesn't sound like he'll have a hard time asking for it (good on ya).
posted by agentwills at 8:30 AM on March 4, 2009

Talk with him about it. Express your curiosity and willingness to play

For whatever it's worth, I would be absolutely mortified if my wife came to me and said, essentially, "So I found this {bizarre fetish porn} on your computer that you obviously didn't intend for me to see. What's up with that? Want to try it out?"

I agree with the notion that not everything one looks up on the Internet is necessarily something that person wants to experience in real life. You risk really, really embarrassing your husband if you follow this advice.
posted by The Gooch at 8:33 AM on March 4, 2009

Speaking as someone who is in a kinky marriage (though not that particular kink), he is likely pretty embarrassed about his desires if he hasn't yet told you about them. Don't freak out. He is not going to run off with some Amazon woman who will sit on him. He may never want to act out these fantasies in real life; there's all kinds of stuff rattling around in my head that would be illegal or immoral if acted upon, but which provide excitement and entertainment.

Anyway. You need to look inside yourself to ascertain your true feelings on his apparent fetish. Maybe it's revolting to you. Maybe it's somewhat intriguing. Maybe it's just puzzling. Any reaction you have is perfectly fine. Do not approach him about this until you're clear on your feelings. As I said, he's probably embarrassed and if he senses the slightest whiff of disgust from you, he's going to clam up. If you truly are disgusted by it, then leave it alone, period. Forget you ever saw it.

If you're OK with it, and want to know what's behind it, here's what I suggest: Have a drink or two. During foreplay, tell him about one of your fantasies. Make it the wildest, freakiest one you can bring yourself to tell him, but be truthful about it. If you can't think of anything, tell him that you read something on the Internet about [something tangential to his interests, like girls wrestling boys]. Get him really worked up during foreplay. Then it's his turn to tell you something. Be prepared that it may be even more surprising than the amazon woman thing - but I'd bet money it has something to do with domination. I think it's really important to give him the space to tell you this. Do not push. Be gentle. If he says something that's disturbing to you, plan your reaction in advance so you don't involuntarily recoil. ("Huh, that's interesting" or "I never thought of that.")

Regarding the psychology of it, my submissive husband enjoys relinquishing control because it allows him to let go of responsibility and it makes him feel desired. Men are usually expected to be the initiators of sexual contact, which makes them vulnerable to rejection. When you're being pursued, you feel wanted, and when you're told what to do, you're freed from thinking about it. The giantess fantasy is a bit more specific than run-of-the-mill domination, but my guess is that it's just an extreme physical exaggeration (as opposed to psychological domination). You can't get much more helpless than being sat on by a giant. The face-sitting is just the erotic component of the larger theme of domination.

The first thing to do is be able to communicate your desires with each other. Then you can figure out which, if any, you wish to incorporate into your sex life. The worst result would be for him to have some burning desire he felt he had to keep from you. Not to scare you, but submissive fantasies among men are almost a compulsion, and I've seen unfulfilled desires ruin marriages. He needs to be able to be open and honest with you, so even if you decide you never want to incorporate domination into your sex life, at least he can fantasize without shame.

I've rambled on long enough. I'll put my gmail in my profile.
posted by desjardins at 8:38 AM on March 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

I check out all kinds of pr0n that I'm not sexually interested in, out of a morbid curiosity about what OTHER people are interested in. If my partner found my browser history and decided to "try" something on me, it would be really awkward and hilarious.

If you want to tell him what you saw and explain your confusion, that's fine. But also, this can just be one of those quirky little mysteries that's not worth ever mentioning until after your tenth anniversary.
posted by hermitosis at 8:57 AM on March 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I feel so stupid asking this, but should I just, like, sit on his face one day

Yes! Yes, you should. You should try this simply because it is fun and you are married and it's good to shake things up once in a while.

I have no idea about the rest of your question. :)
posted by heatherann at 9:16 AM on March 4, 2009

I'm a Fat Admirer, but can't say I really "understand" face-sitting either. That said, there's probably some face-sitting vids in my browser history. I watch them for the mounds of (especially butt) flesh, not so much for the sitting part. I'm just kinda awe-struck by big women.

Assuming he's choosing to go back to this type of porn repeatedly (and he is as new to computers as you say), he may be just now finding how out much he is turned on by the fetish. I always knew I was attracted to larger women, but didn't really know the extent of my preferences until the internet came along. Given the myriad choices available via the web, I learned that I would almost choose the supersize option over the standard meal.

I agree not to spring this on him, but think nanojath gives good advice about trying oral sex in a reverse-cowgirl configuration as a vanilla way to begin exploring it. If he responds more enthusiastically than usual, it may provide an opening for discussions down the road. Also, I wouldn't worry about your body not being his ideal. Besides the "it may just be a fantasy thing", you say you're athletic, so it very well could be your strength that attracted him to you in the first place.

I have heard of this "giant woman" thing before and can not remember the name of it.

posted by and hosted from Uranus at 10:02 AM on March 4, 2009

The giant woman thing may be macrophilia - previous more informative wikipedia entry,wikipedia currently.
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:03 AM on March 4, 2009

I'm seconding (or is it thirding) the opinion that it may just be idle curiosity. i'm not into porn but find sex pretty fascinating, and if my attention is brought to some sexual predilection/practice i've not heard of, i often spend a little time researching it. anyone looking at my browser history might come to some strange conclusions about my own tastes.
posted by kumonoi at 11:38 AM on March 4, 2009

"There is a difference between fantasy and reality. In the past, I have been involved with women who described fantasies to me. They explained that while the -idea- of it was very sexy, the -reality- would be mostly horrifying and not fun."

Agreed. Some people look at porn as something they wish they could do. Others look at it as stuff they would NEVER do -- and in fact think are kida yucky -- but enjoy thinking about anyway.

"For whatever it's worth, I would be absolutely mortified if my wife came to me and said, essentially, "So I found this {bizarre fetish porn} on your computer that you obviously didn't intend for me to see. What's up with that? Want to try it out?""

This is weird to me. Why would you keep secrets about your sexual interests from your sexual partner? My gf and I both like porn, and laugh often about the types of things we find in each others' browser histories (we don't delete the histories for this reason). It's a fun conversation starter that can lead to other interesting experiences.

Talk to your man.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:05 PM on March 4, 2009

I think it is, as you seem to realize already, a Mom thing. In fact, it looks like full-blown worship of the female principle to me-- a kind of God-the-Mother.

It is partly sexualized, but if he had wanted that in a mate he would have chosen someone like that, and he didn't. I'd say he is trying to keep this out of his sexuality, and that offering to bring it in may be disturbing and threatening to him rather than exciting.

As long as his mother is alive (assuming she still is) all this should remain stable; he really could not have a relationship with a big dominant amazon without threatening his relationship with his mother and without casting that relationship in a light he might find profoundly upsetting.

When she dies or her death is imminent, I'm afraid he may need someone to occupy the Great Mother niche in his psyche. You seem to be temperamentally unsuited to that, and besides, it could destroy sex between you instead of enhancing it. One solution would be to transfer the feelings he has about his Mother to a Platonic friendship with a friend or colleague, or perhaps to a woman therapist with whom he could explore these issues.

Until then, I would not seek to pull this deep-dweller up to the surface; it is not suited to survive the light and the lack of pressure, and yet it may be necessary for the health and balance of his psyche. But when that time arrives, I would, or in his grief and confusion he may blunder into a sexual relationship with someone else, when he really just needs a Mom.
posted by jamjam at 12:27 PM on March 4, 2009

Just to put this out there: you assume he's watching it for sexual gratification. He could be watching it out of fascination or because he thinks it's funny.

If he is watching it for sexual gratification then there's nothing wrong with it or anything. I just think you're underestimating how many people will watch porn-like things just because it's so bizarre to them. Several people I know do this from time to time.

Either way, you let him know you'll act out whatever he wants. If he doesn't take you up on it, then don't worry about it. I definitely wouldn't just randomly sit on his face or otherwise try to guess at some fetishes he has; can you imagine what a turn-off that would be if he just found that sort of thing hilarious or weird, or if it was something he very much liked watching but didn't want to do in real life?
posted by Nattie at 1:32 PM on March 4, 2009

So- how about you- are you interested in kink? Kink of any sort? If you are (and it's totally okay if you're not) but, if you are, why not initiate some exploration into that world online. Learn more about fetishes, BDSM, role-playing. As you learn about these together, you may find things that fascinate you that you'll want to maybe try with him AND he may become comfortable enough to share his deeper curiosities with you.

I would say DO NOT spring anything on him. File it away in your mind and embark on your life-long sexual adventure with him. If this is a significant preference of his, it will make an appearance when he feels comfortable enough to tell you. It really needs to unfold on it's own- you can make the fertile ground for it.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 1:40 PM on March 4, 2009

Man, as a lover of cunnilingus, I hadn't even realized that "facesitting" was a kink at all. I thought it was just, you know, a position, and stuff.

I'm kind of tipsy, so I feel unqualified to address the larger relationship issues. But yes, sit on his face; if not for him, then for you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:33 PM on March 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Can't you just tell him you found it and ask him?
posted by bananafish at 11:49 PM on March 4, 2009

Don't confront him with it. He probably doesn't have something sorted out in his own mind, be it whether he really likes it, whether he is comfortable liking it, or whether he is comfortable talking with you about it. Whatever it is, let him work on it on his own time.

If you want to make it easier to talk with you about things of this nature, go do some surfing on your own and see if you can find something that turns you on. If you do, you have something to share. If you share, maybe one day he'll be ready to share. Or not.

He loves you. You love him. Count your blessings.
posted by _Skull_ at 7:32 AM on March 5, 2009 [1 favorite]

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