Management 101: How do I communicate with a difficult person?
February 21, 2009 12:03 PM Subscribe
What are some tactics or tips to help me communicate effectively with an aggressive, negative person?
I am in a leadership position in a club to which I belong (it's more or less a creative writing group, but the specifics aren't too important, I don't think). Right now, it's mostly me running things, due to a number of other long-standing members dropping out for one reason or another. I mostly enjoy it, and it brings a lot of value to my life, but one stumbling block that keeps cropping up for me is managing difficult people.
Right now, I've got a member who is relentlessly, aggressively negative. She's very talented and, in public at least, has garnered a lot of praise for her efforts; she puts on a very sweet face and people seem to like her a lot. But in private, she's done nothing but criticize the organization (and me personally). She's quick to point out shortcomings or areas where we could be doing better, but she doesn't have any constructive suggestions to make, and she hasn't offered to take responsibility for stepping up and taking charge of these things herself (though I have encouraged her to, emphatically, on a number of occasions).
I had a particularly nasty conversation with her last night which involved some aspects of a project she's working on that she didn't understand. Rather than come to me and ask for clarification, she jumped to conclusions and used it as a pretext to once again rip into the group and me personally, hurled a lot of childish accusations, and generally catastrophized the whole thing. (If it's relevant, what we're talking about here would amount to maybe an extra hour of effort for her that she hadn't anticipated doing -- and I offered to assist her with it.)
I have thus far not addressed her accusatory tone in any direct way. In talking to her, I've done my best to stick to facts and disregard her insults, since they're not relevant to working out whatever the problem du jour is. The way she speaks to me seems calculated to put me on the defensive, and I refuse to be drawn into it -- I dig for the misunderstanding or confusion at the heart of her tirade, identify it back to her, and focus on addressing that.
I talked to mr. muffins about this last night, and he suggested to me that behaving as if her negativity doesn't exist really isn't productive in the long run -- by doing so, he says, I'm encouraging her to continue talking to me in this way. I realize that I can't change her attitude or way of thinking... and that is where I feel stuck, because I don't know where to go from there.
The larger problem is that she's really just the current manifestation of a certain type of person that we find among our ranks periodically, and I need to get a handle on how to assert myself with them. Generally they do get bored and move on eventually... but not before infecting other members of the group with their nastiness and causing a lot of collateral damage. With very few long-standing leadership types around to consult, I'm largely on my own for the time being. Assume that unless someone goes into major meltdown mode and begins screaming obscenities or threatening physical violence, I can't "fire" them (but I can gently encourage them to go elsewhere if they're not finding satisfaction through their participation with us, and I'm pretty confident about my ability to do this in a mature, reasonable way).
If you know of some tactics to defuse negative people -- or encourage them to refocus their energies -- or something -- I'd be grateful to hear them.
I am in a leadership position in a club to which I belong (it's more or less a creative writing group, but the specifics aren't too important, I don't think). Right now, it's mostly me running things, due to a number of other long-standing members dropping out for one reason or another. I mostly enjoy it, and it brings a lot of value to my life, but one stumbling block that keeps cropping up for me is managing difficult people.
Right now, I've got a member who is relentlessly, aggressively negative. She's very talented and, in public at least, has garnered a lot of praise for her efforts; she puts on a very sweet face and people seem to like her a lot. But in private, she's done nothing but criticize the organization (and me personally). She's quick to point out shortcomings or areas where we could be doing better, but she doesn't have any constructive suggestions to make, and she hasn't offered to take responsibility for stepping up and taking charge of these things herself (though I have encouraged her to, emphatically, on a number of occasions).
I had a particularly nasty conversation with her last night which involved some aspects of a project she's working on that she didn't understand. Rather than come to me and ask for clarification, she jumped to conclusions and used it as a pretext to once again rip into the group and me personally, hurled a lot of childish accusations, and generally catastrophized the whole thing. (If it's relevant, what we're talking about here would amount to maybe an extra hour of effort for her that she hadn't anticipated doing -- and I offered to assist her with it.)
I have thus far not addressed her accusatory tone in any direct way. In talking to her, I've done my best to stick to facts and disregard her insults, since they're not relevant to working out whatever the problem du jour is. The way she speaks to me seems calculated to put me on the defensive, and I refuse to be drawn into it -- I dig for the misunderstanding or confusion at the heart of her tirade, identify it back to her, and focus on addressing that.
I talked to mr. muffins about this last night, and he suggested to me that behaving as if her negativity doesn't exist really isn't productive in the long run -- by doing so, he says, I'm encouraging her to continue talking to me in this way. I realize that I can't change her attitude or way of thinking... and that is where I feel stuck, because I don't know where to go from there.
The larger problem is that she's really just the current manifestation of a certain type of person that we find among our ranks periodically, and I need to get a handle on how to assert myself with them. Generally they do get bored and move on eventually... but not before infecting other members of the group with their nastiness and causing a lot of collateral damage. With very few long-standing leadership types around to consult, I'm largely on my own for the time being. Assume that unless someone goes into major meltdown mode and begins screaming obscenities or threatening physical violence, I can't "fire" them (but I can gently encourage them to go elsewhere if they're not finding satisfaction through their participation with us, and I'm pretty confident about my ability to do this in a mature, reasonable way).
If you know of some tactics to defuse negative people -- or encourage them to refocus their energies -- or something -- I'd be grateful to hear them.
Here's a line that you can use in private:
"What makes you think you can talk to me like this? If you want to have a civil relationship with me, do not do that again." Go from there. This gives you some space to state your case and your feelings about her behavior. On more than one occasion, this has been a turning point in a business relationship for me. Good luck.
posted by lois1950 at 12:44 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
"What makes you think you can talk to me like this? If you want to have a civil relationship with me, do not do that again." Go from there. This gives you some space to state your case and your feelings about her behavior. On more than one occasion, this has been a turning point in a business relationship for me. Good luck.
posted by lois1950 at 12:44 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
My experiences with writing circles ( i like to call them "stitch and bitches" as they have many similarities with knitting circles ) are admittedly mostly observatory. I've sat in on a few sessions with my friends whom run one, but I can't really say i am a member.
Anyway, my number one issue with the ones I have observed? Lack of critical-ness. Noone is willing to tell anyone else in the circle that their last story sucks, or that they are going in the wrong direction, because they are all too busy telling each other how good their fats smell, so to speak.
Maybe this person is doing you a favor by being overly critical to compensate for the utter lack, and is being nice enough to not do so in front of others around you.
But you're right, someone like that, who has the lack of self-contentedness and ability to work in a critical environment might actually produce a real work that can be published, which, in my experience is not the actual goal of writing circles. ( to wit, massaging each other's egos is the goal )
posted by judge.mentok.the.mindtaker at 12:52 PM on February 21, 2009
In general, it sounds like you're doing the right thing by focusing on the issue without being defensive. But since this is recurring, it might be worth it to begin identifying what's going on. I see two possibilities.
One recurring theme you could identify would be that she doesn't take action on her own. So, next time, after you say something like "if you think we need a bulletin board, I encourage you to set it up yourself" and she turns you down, you could point out, "You know, this is the fifth time I've invited you to take action to solve your own complaints, and you have not taken me up on any of those invitations. This is a volunteer run effort. The club is what we make it. If you don't want to put effort into making it what you want it to be, then please do not complain or criticize." After that, when she starts to complain, you can interrupt her: "I'm not going to discuss any criticisms or complaints you have. You can make an effort on your own to solve them, or find another book club."
Another recurring theme you could identify is the way she talks to you. If the accusations or tone of voice problems are ambiguous, you have to lay the groundwork by first saying, rather gently but matter-of-factly, "You know, that tone of voice doesn't really work for me. I find it to be accusatory and disrespectful. Please talk to me in a more respectful way." After that, she knows that you have made an explicit request and when she crosses the line, you can handle it as you would an outright insult. Something like "It's not okay with me for you to insult me. If you want to continue this conversation, please do not insult me again." "That tone of voice is disrespectful. I'm not having this conversation with you right now."
posted by salvia at 12:57 PM on February 21, 2009 [3 favorites]
One recurring theme you could identify would be that she doesn't take action on her own. So, next time, after you say something like "if you think we need a bulletin board, I encourage you to set it up yourself" and she turns you down, you could point out, "You know, this is the fifth time I've invited you to take action to solve your own complaints, and you have not taken me up on any of those invitations. This is a volunteer run effort. The club is what we make it. If you don't want to put effort into making it what you want it to be, then please do not complain or criticize." After that, when she starts to complain, you can interrupt her: "I'm not going to discuss any criticisms or complaints you have. You can make an effort on your own to solve them, or find another book club."
Another recurring theme you could identify is the way she talks to you. If the accusations or tone of voice problems are ambiguous, you have to lay the groundwork by first saying, rather gently but matter-of-factly, "You know, that tone of voice doesn't really work for me. I find it to be accusatory and disrespectful. Please talk to me in a more respectful way." After that, she knows that you have made an explicit request and when she crosses the line, you can handle it as you would an outright insult. Something like "It's not okay with me for you to insult me. If you want to continue this conversation, please do not insult me again." "That tone of voice is disrespectful. I'm not having this conversation with you right now."
posted by salvia at 12:57 PM on February 21, 2009 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Seems like people are touching on an approach that makes sense from here--in this situation and generally: starting out clearly and tactfully, seeing what happens and taking things as far as they need to go. In the clear, tactful mode, good operational suggestions related above or otherwise, you're essentially saying STFU and stop this $#!+ or go away. In some cases, it does come down to being that blunt.
Understood a whole lot, your thoughts about the broader realities (--all the more when you mix in a vast range of cultural norms, cultural tendencies).
Understood, too, easier typed than said, as one who has wrestled with the reality that there are times when there's no alternative to dropping the hammer--other than getting steamrolled or walking away from it if you can.
There are folks who for whatever reason(s) act with what a lot of people find to be aggressive, ugly, stupid approaches. That's their realm. Being tactful is spitting in the wind.
With people like that, odds are minuscule that they'll respond to tact and diplomacy; it's not what they value, it's not what they perceive to give them the best chance of getting what they want... and--remembering that this is by a reasonable standard, unhealthy and not thinking with consideration or concerns for other people--not a view they can relate to, respect or view as effective.
posted by ambient2 at 2:33 PM on February 21, 2009
Understood a whole lot, your thoughts about the broader realities (--all the more when you mix in a vast range of cultural norms, cultural tendencies).
Understood, too, easier typed than said, as one who has wrestled with the reality that there are times when there's no alternative to dropping the hammer--other than getting steamrolled or walking away from it if you can.
There are folks who for whatever reason(s) act with what a lot of people find to be aggressive, ugly, stupid approaches. That's their realm. Being tactful is spitting in the wind.
With people like that, odds are minuscule that they'll respond to tact and diplomacy; it's not what they value, it's not what they perceive to give them the best chance of getting what they want... and--remembering that this is by a reasonable standard, unhealthy and not thinking with consideration or concerns for other people--not a view they can relate to, respect or view as effective.
posted by ambient2 at 2:33 PM on February 21, 2009
Deflate her. For example, completely ingore the substance of what she says, make a face of mild disgust, and tell her to wipe away the (imaginary) booger that's hanging from her nostril. Make it a girly thing…you're doing her a big favor before anyone else sees it. Offer her a kleenex for extra points.
posted by dinger at 3:08 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by dinger at 3:08 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm not sure if this entirely applies to your situation, but could be helpful in general with a negative person and I have discussed this topic before with a friend who's in the process of becoming a marriage and family therapist. I attended the seminar just one day and was amazed. If you can master this communication technique, its quite effective (affective?). It's good to practice this beforehand with someone like Mr. Muffin (role-playing).
My friend's words:
Instead of reacting, you “track” to deflect.
The idea is that to feel heard is everything.
Selwa calls it “walking the walk” (like stepping into and walking in their foot tracks rather than making your own tracks next to theirs in the process.)
How to:
The 4 W’s:
What did they say? Briefly restate in your own words. It assures the speaker is in agreement with the listener’s translation.
Why did they say it? Identify what’s going on inside the speaker (their pain/fear). Example: “You’re feeling blamed.” “You feel misunderstood.” “You’re confused why this keeps happening.”
What do they feel? Sad, discouraged, discounted, overlooked, manipulated, etc. “Mirroring” is another term. It’s another way to deflect. Like if they scream at you “You stupid b*tch. Why are you such a loser?”, rather than defend and react, you hold up a mirror to them and say something like “You’re angry right now!” and you don’t say it real quietly; you almost match their energy level.
What do they want? “You want to resolve this…”, “You’d like to make sure that…”
She also says never to use phrases that “announce” the tracking, like:
What you’re saying is…
If I hear you right…
It sounds like…
It feels like…
What I hear you saying…
I see…
I understand….
because that brings you into it (your own feelings, etc.).
Hope that helps.
posted by getmetoSF at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2009 [5 favorites]
My friend's words:
Instead of reacting, you “track” to deflect.
The idea is that to feel heard is everything.
Selwa calls it “walking the walk” (like stepping into and walking in their foot tracks rather than making your own tracks next to theirs in the process.)
How to:
The 4 W’s:
What did they say? Briefly restate in your own words. It assures the speaker is in agreement with the listener’s translation.
Why did they say it? Identify what’s going on inside the speaker (their pain/fear). Example: “You’re feeling blamed.” “You feel misunderstood.” “You’re confused why this keeps happening.”
What do they feel? Sad, discouraged, discounted, overlooked, manipulated, etc. “Mirroring” is another term. It’s another way to deflect. Like if they scream at you “You stupid b*tch. Why are you such a loser?”, rather than defend and react, you hold up a mirror to them and say something like “You’re angry right now!” and you don’t say it real quietly; you almost match their energy level.
What do they want? “You want to resolve this…”, “You’d like to make sure that…”
She also says never to use phrases that “announce” the tracking, like:
What you’re saying is…
If I hear you right…
It sounds like…
It feels like…
What I hear you saying…
I see…
I understand….
because that brings you into it (your own feelings, etc.).
Hope that helps.
posted by getmetoSF at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2009 [5 favorites]
Next time she brings up any complaint, point of argument, negative comment personal or otherwise, relative to you, and/or the group you lead, her role in it, etc, you say,
"We're all volunteers in this group and working things out as we go. So, I'm telling everyone who brings issues like this to me that they will need to bring them up when the group is in session. I'm going to make time at our next gathering for you to bring this/these issue(s) up and we'll see if anyone has any suggestions as to how that problem/issue/whatever that is troubling you can be best addressed. Would you like me to give you time to put this before the group for discussion at the beginning or the end of the next meeting?" Repeat, as needed.
posted by mumstheword at 7:48 PM on February 21, 2009
"We're all volunteers in this group and working things out as we go. So, I'm telling everyone who brings issues like this to me that they will need to bring them up when the group is in session. I'm going to make time at our next gathering for you to bring this/these issue(s) up and we'll see if anyone has any suggestions as to how that problem/issue/whatever that is troubling you can be best addressed. Would you like me to give you time to put this before the group for discussion at the beginning or the end of the next meeting?" Repeat, as needed.
posted by mumstheword at 7:48 PM on February 21, 2009
It's hard to tell from some of the paragraphs, but is this always during a one on one situation? If it is, go with mumstheword. If it's not, then deflect and delay.
"Well, that's an important point (Y) and I'm glad you brought it up. Right now we're discussing X because it's on the agenda, and we only have so much time. Once we get through the whole thing I'll be glad to take that up with you after we're done."
I don't know if she's arguing to argue, but I like to follow this advice:
Oh, and the offer to help? I'd back off from that, as it keeps you in her orbit. Just say "hey, you've got a great mind and I think that you'll know best how to get it done." If she abandons it, assign it - don't take it on - to someone else.
posted by lysdexic at 8:41 PM on February 21, 2009
"Well, that's an important point (Y) and I'm glad you brought it up. Right now we're discussing X because it's on the agenda, and we only have so much time. Once we get through the whole thing I'll be glad to take that up with you after we're done."
I don't know if she's arguing to argue, but I like to follow this advice:
Don't argue. You won’t persuade anyone that you’re right and they’re wrong with facts and logic anyway, so don’t bother trying. Besides – when you argue, you’re trying to win, which will only happen when the other person loses. What’s the point of that?The best question to ask is "what problem are you trying to solve?"
Whenever you’re tempted to argue with someone, change your goal – try finding a resolution to your disagreement that both of you find more satisfying than your original positions.
- Bob Lewis
Oh, and the offer to help? I'd back off from that, as it keeps you in her orbit. Just say "hey, you've got a great mind and I think that you'll know best how to get it done." If she abandons it, assign it - don't take it on - to someone else.
posted by lysdexic at 8:41 PM on February 21, 2009
Best answer: I think if it's general negativity and essentially 'bitching' about the club and how it's being organized then Mumstheword has the right of it.
If however your comment 'she jumped to conclusions and used it as a pretext to once again rip into the group and me personally, hurled a lot of childish accusations, and generally catastrophized the whole thing' means that she is raising her voice and being verbally abusive then you need to say something.
In a similar situation (in my case the interactions were with said person over a period of weeks) this is what worked for me....
I let a tirade finish and then said very calmly ' I do my best to speak civilly and respectfully to you and I would expect that you would do the same when you need to discuss something with me. If you are willing to do that we can continue this discussion'.
The person I was dealing with was basically a bully and confronting the behavior stopped it in it's tracks and I did not have any problems with this person after that.
I don't know that doing that would diffuse every situation and I didn't interrupt a tirade as that can actually escalate things but it worked for me for what it's worth...
Good luck!
posted by Weaslegirl at 11:58 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
If however your comment 'she jumped to conclusions and used it as a pretext to once again rip into the group and me personally, hurled a lot of childish accusations, and generally catastrophized the whole thing' means that she is raising her voice and being verbally abusive then you need to say something.
In a similar situation (in my case the interactions were with said person over a period of weeks) this is what worked for me....
I let a tirade finish and then said very calmly ' I do my best to speak civilly and respectfully to you and I would expect that you would do the same when you need to discuss something with me. If you are willing to do that we can continue this discussion'.
The person I was dealing with was basically a bully and confronting the behavior stopped it in it's tracks and I did not have any problems with this person after that.
I don't know that doing that would diffuse every situation and I didn't interrupt a tirade as that can actually escalate things but it worked for me for what it's worth...
Good luck!
posted by Weaslegirl at 11:58 PM on February 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Remind her why she's in the group and remind her how her actions are not helping the group towards that goal. That'll buy you time if she feels even slightly ashamed over anything that she has been reminded of. It helps if you know these kind of people inside and out, which you might. So if you know why she's grouchy, pick out the parts of her conflict (in your head) that will help your group. If there's any at all that will help the group and she's worth keeping, keep her and put some steps into making decisions that will enable the good parts of her opinions to be realized.
If you want to axe her, shame her (as before) then make a public display of promising to work out the conflict (much like hal said in the first post) for the good of the group - as her behavior was demonstrated by herself to be counter-productive - and axe her privately or whatever.
If you have no power! Then empathize with the side you feel is more productive and listen to the complaints genuinely but with no promise of commitment then just continually nudge her into understanding everybody's point of view (that presumably conflicts with hers) until she either voluntarily comes to a conclusion or the group commits social justice (which could be bad, better to have the power or keep things cool by keeping the pressure low or non-existent).
Always be humble, you're not out to get anybody and you're here to write.
/* Disclamer - this is my all man leadership routine. have not tried with women.
posted by Submiqent at 1:05 AM on February 22, 2009
If you want to axe her, shame her (as before) then make a public display of promising to work out the conflict (much like hal said in the first post) for the good of the group - as her behavior was demonstrated by herself to be counter-productive - and axe her privately or whatever.
If you have no power! Then empathize with the side you feel is more productive and listen to the complaints genuinely but with no promise of commitment then just continually nudge her into understanding everybody's point of view (that presumably conflicts with hers) until she either voluntarily comes to a conclusion or the group commits social justice (which could be bad, better to have the power or keep things cool by keeping the pressure low or non-existent).
Always be humble, you're not out to get anybody and you're here to write.
/* Disclamer - this is my all man leadership routine. have not tried with women.
posted by Submiqent at 1:05 AM on February 22, 2009
Response by poster: A lot of food for thought in the responses -- thank you all.
On the public/private issue... this particular person saves her most unhinged moments for the times when she's speaking with me privately, but after thinking on it, it occurs to me that there have been maybe three occasions now where a third party overheard the two of us talking and remarked to me afterward, "I had no idea she was such a complainer." So there has been some bleed-through into her public interactions as well, though she hasn't actively tried to confront me/embarrass me or trash the org at our get-togethers or anything like that.
I do think there is value in bringing her criticisms out into the light. It's been a while since we had an open meeting to just let people just kind of gab about what's going on with them and with the club, so we can definitely do that. When she's got eight or ten people looking at her funny as she makes a mountain out of molehill, it will probably take the wind right out of her sails.
To that end, I've also decided that I'm not going to deal with her one-on-one any longer. When she comes to me with a problem, I'll call someone else in who can help and we'll make it a group discussion. This will either inspire her to put on her "good" face, or help drive home the point that whatever issue has set her off this day really isn't as big of a deal as she's making it out to be when she has not just one but two (or more) people helping her to work through it.
As far as her treatment of me, yeah... after reading what you all wrote here, it's become crystallized in my mind that she just doesn't have respect or consideration for me as a person, or she wouldn't talk to me like she does. I need to be clear with her that I'll talk with her, but on my terms, not hers -- which means being calm and constructive. I always do my best to be patient and understanding with the people in the group, but in honesty, I don't want or need to be her pal and in acting like I do, I'm tacitly giving her permission to be abusive. I don't care for her attitude, I don't think I can really help her, and interacting with her is mostly a drain.
To that end, getmetoSF, I'm completely fascinated by the approach you suggest. It's totally at odds with my general method of talking to folks, which is to empathize and then zero in on problem-solving ("I know that's frustrating. When I was in the same situation, here is what I did...") So I'll definitely have to practice at leaving myself out of the conversation, but I can very much see it coming in handy.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:24 AM on February 22, 2009
On the public/private issue... this particular person saves her most unhinged moments for the times when she's speaking with me privately, but after thinking on it, it occurs to me that there have been maybe three occasions now where a third party overheard the two of us talking and remarked to me afterward, "I had no idea she was such a complainer." So there has been some bleed-through into her public interactions as well, though she hasn't actively tried to confront me/embarrass me or trash the org at our get-togethers or anything like that.
I do think there is value in bringing her criticisms out into the light. It's been a while since we had an open meeting to just let people just kind of gab about what's going on with them and with the club, so we can definitely do that. When she's got eight or ten people looking at her funny as she makes a mountain out of molehill, it will probably take the wind right out of her sails.
To that end, I've also decided that I'm not going to deal with her one-on-one any longer. When she comes to me with a problem, I'll call someone else in who can help and we'll make it a group discussion. This will either inspire her to put on her "good" face, or help drive home the point that whatever issue has set her off this day really isn't as big of a deal as she's making it out to be when she has not just one but two (or more) people helping her to work through it.
As far as her treatment of me, yeah... after reading what you all wrote here, it's become crystallized in my mind that she just doesn't have respect or consideration for me as a person, or she wouldn't talk to me like she does. I need to be clear with her that I'll talk with her, but on my terms, not hers -- which means being calm and constructive. I always do my best to be patient and understanding with the people in the group, but in honesty, I don't want or need to be her pal and in acting like I do, I'm tacitly giving her permission to be abusive. I don't care for her attitude, I don't think I can really help her, and interacting with her is mostly a drain.
To that end, getmetoSF, I'm completely fascinated by the approach you suggest. It's totally at odds with my general method of talking to folks, which is to empathize and then zero in on problem-solving ("I know that's frustrating. When I was in the same situation, here is what I did...") So I'll definitely have to practice at leaving myself out of the conversation, but I can very much see it coming in handy.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:24 AM on February 22, 2009
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My suggestion is to simply refuse to speak to her any more in private. You have nothing to discuss with her unless she can offer solutions, not just complaints.
posted by randomstriker at 12:35 PM on February 21, 2009