How do you escape being chased through woods by a crazed killer?
October 25, 2004 8:14 PM   Subscribe

Assume you're being chased through the woods near a highway by an armed man with the intent to kill or at least mame you. How do you escape?
posted by Evstar to Human Relations (44 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Day or night? How dense are the woods? Atmospheric conditions? With what is my pursuer armed?
posted by Kwantsar at 8:18 PM on October 25, 2004


eat his soul.
posted by Hackworth at 8:22 PM on October 25, 2004


Yes, more details are needed.
posted by GriffX at 8:22 PM on October 25, 2004


It is a dark and stormy night, Kwantsar. Private dick Jim Carver is tearing through the dense deciduous forest, beads of cold sweat on his forehead. His pursuer is hot on his heels, the black Colt 1911 heavy in his hand. Carver can feel its barrel seeking him out, homing in on his back.
posted by Krrrlson at 8:27 PM on October 25, 2004


I suppose current atmospheric should suffice. It's getting cold and the pursuer would have a pistol or an effective melee implement. During mid-day to early evening. There are no coked out penguins in sight.
posted by Evstar at 8:28 PM on October 25, 2004


I would first assess my ability to outrun him on the highway, as that would involve the least risk of injury and allow possible rescue. If he was armed with a knife, I figure most people don't know how to use it well, so I would disarm him with my superior attack and defese skills. If it was a gun, I would choose Mame, with spunky Angela Lansbury or sassy Bea Arthur in the title role.
posted by planetkyoto at 8:29 PM on October 25, 2004


Near a highway? Traffic conditions, please? Frequency of police patrols? Is the armed man law enforcement, or will he run from a police car?
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:29 PM on October 25, 2004


Run in a serpentine pattern.
posted by GriffX at 8:34 PM on October 25, 2004


There are no coked out penguins in sight.

CURSE YOU!!!
posted by Krrrlson at 8:36 PM on October 25, 2004


Traffice is very sparse. No patrols.



I know this is [ThinlyveiledreachforhomeworkhelpFilter]. Forgive me.
posted by Evstar at 8:49 PM on October 25, 2004


A female could tear her blouse, tousle her hair and rub some dirt on her face to flag down a passing car.
posted by mischief at 8:58 PM on October 25, 2004


I'd just sit back and wait for a good old deus ex machina.
posted by Krrrlson at 9:00 PM on October 25, 2004


run round a bend in the path, climb up a tree. as they run past, jump on them.

(if i have a nightmare i often wake up and think about problems like this, then go back to sleep and implement them. sometimes i even get to the point where i can't think of a solution and consciously think "ah, screw this, i'll beat them some other time" before falling back to sleep).
posted by andrew cooke at 9:06 PM on October 25, 2004


Depending on how hot-on-your heels the pursuer is, if it is dark enough and the woods are dense enough, I might try to hide. It always boggles my mind in horror movies et cetera when people stay in their house and so forth for safety -- if a murderer is coming for me, I'd dart out into the woods where they'd never have a chance of randomly stumbling upon me.
posted by rafter at 9:06 PM on October 25, 2004


I'd probably get down on the ground with a couple of large stones and throw them off into some direction that I was not going. Because I'd be lying there, shitting my brains out with fear and trying not to breathe.

Then I'd discover--when the killer came back just when I thought he was gone--that I did indeed have the terrible power I'd never thought I had inside me: the power actually to fight back and respond with horrible, abject, overkill brutality.

Is that the kind of thing you're looking for?
posted by interrobang at 9:07 PM on October 25, 2004


This is why you've gotta have great skills. You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills...
posted by spilon at 9:15 PM on October 25, 2004


You roll a 20 and combined with your +3 accuracy bonus, defeat him using a magic missile attack. Duh.
posted by gramcracker at 9:17 PM on October 25, 2004 [1 favorite]


Is this a trick question? I'd shoot him. (You said he was armed. You didn't say I was unarmed.)
posted by Tubes at 9:22 PM on October 25, 2004


Well, Self-Defense Experts say that you should always run from a pursuer who has a gun, because he/she might not hit you (as it's not that easy to hit a moving target).

I would probably run near the road and, if I heard any traffic, I would run out onto the road and throw things at passing cars, screaming "Fire! Fire!" or something similar.

I kind of like andrew cooke's idea except that I suck at climbing trees. I might look for an enormous stick or rock to hit the pursuer with.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:57 PM on October 25, 2004


I flip open my cell fone and dial 911.
posted by zadcat at 10:10 PM on October 25, 2004


If you don't have enough distance to hide, get to the highway and run against traffic until you can stop a vehicle. Skedaddle.

Or, just wake up.
posted by sacre_bleu at 10:17 PM on October 25, 2004


Wait! Wait! It's that Soprano's episode with the mad Russian, right? What you need to do is get shot on the side of the head, or maybe even in the back of the head, and then run away. It needs to be snowing. Then steal the car of your pursuer(s). Or not, and just lay down and die in the snow so they won't see you. It's so simple, really!

Barring that, if it's the current weather conditions, maybe hide under some leaves, or under a log and some leaves. If it were snowing you could do the old trick from The Shining, where you run up ahead a bit, and then trace your steps back carefully and leap off to the side and go running in another direction.
posted by onlyconnect at 10:22 PM on October 25, 2004


Did you just run a red light?
posted by coelecanth at 10:28 PM on October 25, 2004


Find a suitable branch, find some cover and try to confront my pursuer. Resolving the situation as soon as possible is preferable (to me) to running.
posted by Tenuki at 11:11 PM on October 25, 2004


LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!
posted by nicwolff at 11:48 PM on October 25, 2004


African or European?

Worst Case Scenarios.
posted by dhartung at 11:54 PM on October 25, 2004


Initially, completely cover myself in mud unto my hunter moves away, then set up a killing zone using large logs, vines, spiked poles also designed around natural features of the area. Then wait for him to return. Top tip: You can pass the time waiting by manfully painting black crayon onto your face whilst striking poses which display muscle tone.
posted by biffa at 2:02 AM on October 26, 2004


It really depends on what the pursuer is armed with and your relative sizes. Assuming it's a gun or the relative sizes are too much of a mismatch (and you can argue that point), use the trees. Like GriffX said, don't run in a straight line (remember what Tom Berenger tried to teach you in that awful Sniper movie: "We don't run in straight lines."). Beyond that, you need to constantly assess who's going to get tired first.

If/ when it turns out to be you, I guess you go for the highway if there's enough traffic/ visibility to hope someone can see you (though you'd be suprised how unlikely it is anyone will stop for a bedraggled person screaming and waving their arms). Otherwise, try to find a big enough tree branch and circle back, but you're probably going to make too much noise to suprise anyone. So hide around a tree and don't miss on the first swing.

Alternatively, cover yourself in mud and hide in a hollowed-out tree.
posted by yerfatma at 4:21 AM on October 26, 2004


Scream "No Effect!" and charge them.


This would actually work, as anyone who has confronted a LARPer will tell you, death is preferrable to listening to them talk
posted by fullerine at 4:31 AM on October 26, 2004


I'd remind him that although Mame itself is legal, the action of emulating me on it would be against the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:11 AM on October 26, 2004


I put on my robe and wizard hat...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:03 AM on October 26, 2004


Pull your laptop out of your backpack, wait for it to power up, move around looking for a wireless connection, log in to Ask Metafilter and ask "Assume you're being chased through the woods near a highway by an armed man with the intent to kill or at least mame you. How do you escape?". Wait for responses to come in. Clarify a few points. Ponder. Then, and only then, choose the best course of action.
Or did you already do that?
posted by signal at 6:08 AM on October 26, 2004


I would turn into a grizzly bear.
posted by kenko at 7:01 AM on October 26, 2004


I'm not afraid of being "mamed."
posted by agregoli at 7:17 AM on October 26, 2004


After hours of running, I would discover that my pursuer is really me and that I've been fleeing through a wooded tesseract all this time.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:41 AM on October 26, 2004


Invisibility cloak!

(Sedaris wrote a short story regarding this same scenario, but I can't remember what exactly he did.)
posted by naxosaxur at 7:46 AM on October 26, 2004


Hmm,
Run, but be on the lookout for objects that could be used to assemble a formidable weapon. A hollow log, some loose gemstones and surfer could be used to create a makeshift shotgun capable of incapacitating your foe.
posted by evilelf at 8:48 AM on October 26, 2004


A hollow log, some loose gemstones and surfer could be used...

Hell, just ask the surfer to distract him! And then hit him with your laptop.
posted by bachelor#3 at 8:59 AM on October 26, 2004


Yerfatma, hence the screaming "Fire!" because people will stop if they think there might be some danger to them. This is something I learned when interviewing an Important Self-Defense Expert.

This question makes me feel better about staying inside where it's warm and the only scary people are pixels on the Internet.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:46 AM on October 26, 2004


I love the Rorshach test that questions like this become. My immediate response was "I'd shoot him. Duh." Then came thoughts about all the crazy alternative methods everyone else is coming up with.
posted by jammer at 11:09 AM on October 26, 2004


Summon the Megadeus.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:44 PM on October 26, 2004


Duck Season! Wabbit Season!
posted by Stan Chin at 1:59 PM on October 26, 2004


You state that your assailant is armed, but more importantly - is he legged?
posted by groundhog at 7:08 PM on October 26, 2004


"A female could tear her blouse, tousle her hair and rub some dirt on her face to flag down a passing car."

That is exactly what popped into my head too, mischief, only with less dirt and no destruction of clothing: run onto the highway naked--or at least topless--and the next car will stop for you.

Well, they'd stop for me.
posted by Asparagirl at 7:41 PM on October 26, 2004


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