Kitty kitty come out to play
December 10, 2008 1:08 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with a real fraidy cat? My kitty is afraid of everyone except me, especially other animals. How do I introduce him to the dog (and toddler) I now live with? Or should I just keep them separate?
About a year ago I adopted a cat from a local animal shelter. He was nine months old, and the worker said he was found behind another volunteer's house (that is, it was unclear whether he was living wildly for any extended period of time or simply a lost domestic cat). I think he was probably born to some house cat whose family didn't want kittens so they were let outside. Anyway, for whatever reason, he seems to have a lot of fear of people and other animals. I lived alone at the time I got him, so it was just him and me. We cuddled, he greeted me when I came home, he was cute and normal. But when I had people over, he was gone. To the point that my boyfriend had never seen him for the first three months of dating - he joked the cat was imaginary. I want to live with this kitty for a long time, particularly when I have a family of my own so I worry about his lack of socializing with anyone else.
Also, I don't live alone anymore. I live with three other grownups, a three year old, and a dog. This seems like a great time to expose him to more socializing. For the first couple of weeks, he didn't leave my room (I have a very large room/apartment at the end of a house) but now he's venturing out. He's gone into the kid's room but only when the kid is sleeping. The toddler is, of course, insanely curious about this animal and wants to see him all the time. The closest I've let him come is to peek at the cat while he cowers under the bed. Otherwise, I just tell him that kitty is napping. When the child cries or tries to pet him or moves or makes noise in any way, the cat is very concerned and frightened. He reacts the same way to the grown ups in the house, though one of them (another female) has been able to get close enough to pet him once, in my presence. The other two have never seen him.
And then there's the dog. I think kitty has figured out by now that the dog exists. The house I'm in has two floors, and the dog is confined to two rooms downstairs almost at all times (except for when he goes potty or plays outside in the fenced in yard) simply because there are baby gates to keep the kid downstairs when he's awake. Kitty, on the other hand, lives upstairs and only occasionally in the dead of night (when the dog is crated) ventures downstairs at all. Like I said, I think they're aware of each other's existence but they've never seen each other. Should I formally introduce them, or just let them live their separate lives? (FWIW, the dog is retarded. As in, mentally handicapped. Cat is normal.)
About a year ago I adopted a cat from a local animal shelter. He was nine months old, and the worker said he was found behind another volunteer's house (that is, it was unclear whether he was living wildly for any extended period of time or simply a lost domestic cat). I think he was probably born to some house cat whose family didn't want kittens so they were let outside. Anyway, for whatever reason, he seems to have a lot of fear of people and other animals. I lived alone at the time I got him, so it was just him and me. We cuddled, he greeted me when I came home, he was cute and normal. But when I had people over, he was gone. To the point that my boyfriend had never seen him for the first three months of dating - he joked the cat was imaginary. I want to live with this kitty for a long time, particularly when I have a family of my own so I worry about his lack of socializing with anyone else.
Also, I don't live alone anymore. I live with three other grownups, a three year old, and a dog. This seems like a great time to expose him to more socializing. For the first couple of weeks, he didn't leave my room (I have a very large room/apartment at the end of a house) but now he's venturing out. He's gone into the kid's room but only when the kid is sleeping. The toddler is, of course, insanely curious about this animal and wants to see him all the time. The closest I've let him come is to peek at the cat while he cowers under the bed. Otherwise, I just tell him that kitty is napping. When the child cries or tries to pet him or moves or makes noise in any way, the cat is very concerned and frightened. He reacts the same way to the grown ups in the house, though one of them (another female) has been able to get close enough to pet him once, in my presence. The other two have never seen him.
And then there's the dog. I think kitty has figured out by now that the dog exists. The house I'm in has two floors, and the dog is confined to two rooms downstairs almost at all times (except for when he goes potty or plays outside in the fenced in yard) simply because there are baby gates to keep the kid downstairs when he's awake. Kitty, on the other hand, lives upstairs and only occasionally in the dead of night (when the dog is crated) ventures downstairs at all. Like I said, I think they're aware of each other's existence but they've never seen each other. Should I formally introduce them, or just let them live their separate lives? (FWIW, the dog is retarded. As in, mentally handicapped. Cat is normal.)
A cat avoiding/hiding from a toddler is totally normal. Cats hate loud noises and sudden movements, which kids are usually very bad at avoiding. It's also relatively normal in my experience for a cat to stay primarily in one part of a house, especially during the daytime.
As for getting a cat to like other adults, it's usually up to that person to make an effort to befriend the cat. You could probably help by petting the cat alone and then asking the person to come into the same room. It's usually pretty easy to make friends with a cat if you don't make any noise, move slowly, let the cat smell your hand, pet the cat, give the cat food, etc. If the cat lives with other people for a while and they don't do anything crazy the cat should warm up to them, even if it's still afraid of strangers.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:37 PM on December 10, 2008
As for getting a cat to like other adults, it's usually up to that person to make an effort to befriend the cat. You could probably help by petting the cat alone and then asking the person to come into the same room. It's usually pretty easy to make friends with a cat if you don't make any noise, move slowly, let the cat smell your hand, pet the cat, give the cat food, etc. If the cat lives with other people for a while and they don't do anything crazy the cat should warm up to them, even if it's still afraid of strangers.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:37 PM on December 10, 2008
Your cat sounds normal. You don't say how long it's been since the new living arrangements, but I'm guessing not too long. It will take longer. Way longer. Probably your cat will never love strangers, which is perfectly ok anyway. If you and your room mates are so inclined you can try positive reinforcement: every time kitty gets close to someone else, kitty gets a treat. Keep adjusting the distance until you're giving the treat when kitty is being petted/sitting in someone else's lap.
I had a cat, Scarlet O'Hara, who HATED strangers and would kick the shit outta any animal who'd even dream of coming near her. Yet, Best. Cat. EVER. That's the thing with cats, you have to respect, admire and love their crazy.
In any case, good luck with kitty. I now have two very friendly cats, and it sure feels good having them get along with everyone.
posted by neblina_matinal at 2:16 PM on December 10, 2008
I had a cat, Scarlet O'Hara, who HATED strangers and would kick the shit outta any animal who'd even dream of coming near her. Yet, Best. Cat. EVER. That's the thing with cats, you have to respect, admire and love their crazy.
In any case, good luck with kitty. I now have two very friendly cats, and it sure feels good having them get along with everyone.
posted by neblina_matinal at 2:16 PM on December 10, 2008
Have the adults lure the cat out with catnip or cat treats. This may be a long, slow process. I'd wait until the cat gets used to adults before subjecting it to the kid or the dog.
the dog is retarded. As in, mentally handicapped. Cat is normal.
This must be backwards, because there is no such thing as a normal cat.
posted by desjardins at 2:22 PM on December 10, 2008
the dog is retarded. As in, mentally handicapped. Cat is normal.
This must be backwards, because there is no such thing as a normal cat.
posted by desjardins at 2:22 PM on December 10, 2008
Patience. My rescued cat spent most of our first year together lying doggo but over the last five years he has gradually grown comfortable enough to greet strangers. I think you should let your cat explore at his own pace. I suspect he will gradually expand his comfort zone.
posted by Jode at 2:27 PM on December 10, 2008
posted by Jode at 2:27 PM on December 10, 2008
I've probably told this story here previously, but my dearly departed Curtis went from an almost-feral five-week-old scrawny kitten that my friends had to chase around a yard in South Jersey to bring to me.
He promptly hid under the bed for days after arriving at my apt in NYC. Came out only to eat and use the box. Wouldn't socialize with the other cat, wouldn't acknowledge anybody but me (not even my boyfriend). I wasn't working much at the time, so he and I spent a lot of time together.
Years later, in a new apt, he was a loving "big brother" to another cat. So, yeah, these things can take years. Cats are like people; you can't force 'em to change. It'll happen slowly.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:00 PM on December 10, 2008
He promptly hid under the bed for days after arriving at my apt in NYC. Came out only to eat and use the box. Wouldn't socialize with the other cat, wouldn't acknowledge anybody but me (not even my boyfriend). I wasn't working much at the time, so he and I spent a lot of time together.
Years later, in a new apt, he was a loving "big brother" to another cat. So, yeah, these things can take years. Cats are like people; you can't force 'em to change. It'll happen slowly.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 3:00 PM on December 10, 2008
Best answer: It sounds like your kitty missed that optimal socialization window before 8-10 weeks of age, so she may always be a bit skittish. I have an older cat and am currently working with a feral kitten and both also missed that window.
I think you probably have two options:
1. Patience. Some cats will never like strangers (mine hides under the bed or in the closet every time people visit, and she's 10 yrs old) but most will grow accustomed to people living in the house given time. This is the "method" that I used with my older cat. It took years, but she now thinks my husband is the bees knees, likes him more than me! We have a dog too and they don't really interact much, but she isn't scared of the dog or anything.
2. Treat her like a feral cat that needs to be socialized. I realize she's not a feral cat but you may be able to use feral cat socialization techniques to help your kitty learn to trust this new situation. This is what I'm doing with the 4-month old feral kitten that somehow ended up in my home (long story).
Food is your friend. Don't free-feed the cat - have your housemates feed her really delicious wet food in a quiet room. They may have to start out with the dish of food across the room while they sit on the floor silently. Each time they feed her, move the dish closer to them. Urban Cat League has the best info I've found about socializing older kittens, and while it may be more extreme than your situation, I think you might find some tips worth trying. Towards the bottom of this page on the Urban Cat League site are links to three "Tough Love: Socializing Feral Kittens" videos on YouTube. I've found them of great use as we work with our little feral. Again, I know you have a somewhat different situation but you may find some useful tactics. If nothing else, learn from the videos that Gerber baby food stage 2 chicken and gravy is kitty crack. I can get our feral to lick it off my fingers, which is much closer than she'd otherwise like me to be. Good luck!
posted by misskaz at 3:03 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
I think you probably have two options:
1. Patience. Some cats will never like strangers (mine hides under the bed or in the closet every time people visit, and she's 10 yrs old) but most will grow accustomed to people living in the house given time. This is the "method" that I used with my older cat. It took years, but she now thinks my husband is the bees knees, likes him more than me! We have a dog too and they don't really interact much, but she isn't scared of the dog or anything.
2. Treat her like a feral cat that needs to be socialized. I realize she's not a feral cat but you may be able to use feral cat socialization techniques to help your kitty learn to trust this new situation. This is what I'm doing with the 4-month old feral kitten that somehow ended up in my home (long story).
Food is your friend. Don't free-feed the cat - have your housemates feed her really delicious wet food in a quiet room. They may have to start out with the dish of food across the room while they sit on the floor silently. Each time they feed her, move the dish closer to them. Urban Cat League has the best info I've found about socializing older kittens, and while it may be more extreme than your situation, I think you might find some tips worth trying. Towards the bottom of this page on the Urban Cat League site are links to three "Tough Love: Socializing Feral Kittens" videos on YouTube. I've found them of great use as we work with our little feral. Again, I know you have a somewhat different situation but you may find some useful tactics. If nothing else, learn from the videos that Gerber baby food stage 2 chicken and gravy is kitty crack. I can get our feral to lick it off my fingers, which is much closer than she'd otherwise like me to be. Good luck!
posted by misskaz at 3:03 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]
Is there really any reason that the cat has to interact with other people? If not, let kitty adjust as kitty wants to adjust. If kitty is comfortable in your part of the house, why force it? When I had my first child, my male kitty came over, looked at her, then ran to the kitchen, pulled open the cupboard under the sink, went in, and pulled it shut behind him. He stayed there for two days. Eventually he became comfortable to some extent with the family as it grew larger. I have another cat who has always refused to cuddle. She is ok on the floor, you can pet her as much as you want. Just don't pick her up. When my stepdad moved in his cat stayed in the cupboard and on top of the refrigerator for months.
And honestly, it may be better for the toddler and the cat to not be together. My kids had lots of scratches from my two older (pre-kids) cats. This may not endear you and cat to the people you live with. (Especially if the cat gets the kid in the face.) My younger sister at that age pulled my cat's tail and dislocated it, resulting in an expensive trip to the vet when the cat couldn't lift his tail.
Resign yourself that you cannot change what this cat is going to do, and sure enough the cat will do the opposite fairly soon.
wife of 445supermag
posted by 445supermag at 5:48 PM on December 10, 2008
And honestly, it may be better for the toddler and the cat to not be together. My kids had lots of scratches from my two older (pre-kids) cats. This may not endear you and cat to the people you live with. (Especially if the cat gets the kid in the face.) My younger sister at that age pulled my cat's tail and dislocated it, resulting in an expensive trip to the vet when the cat couldn't lift his tail.
Resign yourself that you cannot change what this cat is going to do, and sure enough the cat will do the opposite fairly soon.
wife of 445supermag
posted by 445supermag at 5:48 PM on December 10, 2008
My sister had a cat (Casper) who was very friendly to them, but would never come out for strangers, and besides that would not allow anyone to pick him up - even my sister and her husband.
She had her first son, and it became a matter of them only seeing Casper at night or during the baby's naps - i.e. when it was pretty quiet. When my sister was pregnant with her second son, she told my parents that she needed to find a home for Casper. With two kids, they would have even less than the very little time they had for him now... etc.
So, for the last three years, Casper has lived with my parents. (Whom until then he had hidden from all his life.) He has become very friendly with them both, though still skittish and still refuses to allow ANYONE to pick him up. He has gotten used to me when I live at home, and my grandmother who occasionally stays at their house while in town. He will sit on your lap and sleep and allow pets and scritches, but all at his discretion.
As far as our dogs are concerned, he quickly scampers around them if they happen to be sleeping in the house.
Casper is 9 years old, and now refuses to come out for my sister and her husband - even if the kids aren't around. (Remember he was their cat for six years.)
It may be that your kitty warms up to people in it's own time, but he may not. Each cat is very different. Don't try to harshly force him to do anything. That will most likely result in traumatic memories for everyone, and make the kitty more likely to avoid people. Positive reinforcement could be worth the effort, but no forcing!
Good luck with your kitty!
posted by Kimothy at 8:54 PM on December 10, 2008
She had her first son, and it became a matter of them only seeing Casper at night or during the baby's naps - i.e. when it was pretty quiet. When my sister was pregnant with her second son, she told my parents that she needed to find a home for Casper. With two kids, they would have even less than the very little time they had for him now... etc.
So, for the last three years, Casper has lived with my parents. (Whom until then he had hidden from all his life.) He has become very friendly with them both, though still skittish and still refuses to allow ANYONE to pick him up. He has gotten used to me when I live at home, and my grandmother who occasionally stays at their house while in town. He will sit on your lap and sleep and allow pets and scritches, but all at his discretion.
As far as our dogs are concerned, he quickly scampers around them if they happen to be sleeping in the house.
Casper is 9 years old, and now refuses to come out for my sister and her husband - even if the kids aren't around. (Remember he was their cat for six years.)
It may be that your kitty warms up to people in it's own time, but he may not. Each cat is very different. Don't try to harshly force him to do anything. That will most likely result in traumatic memories for everyone, and make the kitty more likely to avoid people. Positive reinforcement could be worth the effort, but no forcing!
Good luck with your kitty!
posted by Kimothy at 8:54 PM on December 10, 2008
It may be frustrating to you that she's not an outgoing cat, but some cats, like some people, just don't like being around strangers. Consider her an introvert.
(Read some of the AskMe questions on bizarre cat behavior. Your cat doesn't sound abnormal, for a cat.)
posted by desuetude at 6:45 AM on December 11, 2008
(Read some of the AskMe questions on bizarre cat behavior. Your cat doesn't sound abnormal, for a cat.)
posted by desuetude at 6:45 AM on December 11, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jon1270 at 1:35 PM on December 10, 2008