Casual to something else

November 21, 2008 6:38 PM

I'm 48 (he's 61) and this is the first "casual" relationship I've ever been in. Next time I see him, I'm going to tell him it's just not working for me. How likely is it that what started out as casual can turn into something more, which is what I would like?

I've figured out I'm not so comfortable in bed unless I really know someone and have an emotional connection. Even though it's casual, we've committed to not sleeping with anyone else. He just doesn't contact me for 10 days at a time, doesn't know me: my joys, hopes, fears, life.

I'd like something more than a wonderful evening of conversation, fun and then sex (but I'm not looking for marriage). Is it possible to move from one type of relationship to another?

posted by KCMOwriter to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I'm sure it is but it takes willingness from both people.

Sit him down and talk to him about what you want. It's the quickest and easiest way to find out.
posted by mr_silver at 6:46 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ask him on a date.
posted by puckish at 6:47 PM on November 21, 2008

Everything is possible. You just need to be VERY open, honest, and upfront about what you would like, and mainly, how you feel. At his age, he is probably pretty clear on what he wants in life. Simply have a talk and see if you match up, even closely.

And remember to not ever keep all your eggs in one basket. Allow other opportunities to come into your life as well.
posted by Vaike at 6:49 PM on November 21, 2008

It's certainly possible, I set out with that goal in mind actually. To have casual relationships, but only with people with whom there could be a potential for something more. The thing is, you both have to see that potential. I engaged in one, but I got a sense, after a couple weeks, that I didn't see any potential, and she was seeing lots of potential, and so I had to end that.

Sex is a demystifying event, and once sex is on the table, transparency is all the more important.
posted by philosophistry at 7:31 PM on November 21, 2008

Odds are pretty good that if he isn't showing a lot of attentiveness (which is what you're describing), and you want a relationship, you two have a pretty sizeable mismatch in expectations/hopes/needs in this relationship.

I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's pretty likely that you're simply not going to get what you want from this guy. Don't delude yourself into believing that some special act, words, or event will turn his "just for fun" attitude into a "my goodness, but I oughta be more involved & serious" one.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:56 PM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

What IamBroom said. I've learned this lesson the hard way. Better to let this end and find someone who's already on the same page as you are than to try to change this man's mind. He's 61. I'm sure he's clear about what he wants.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:01 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's not at all impossible, I think the problem is you feel uncomfortable with the things that are happening now, which might make it hard to hang in there for the time necessary for something to evolve. In particular the sex thing -- it's hard to really settle into a relationship and feel good about yourself when you're doing something you're uncomfortable with, and the best relationships are the ones that allow you to feel good about yourself.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:46 AM on November 22, 2008