MYOB
November 11, 2008 6:59 PM Subscribe
I need some coping mechanisms for dealing with my boyfriend's meddling family.
I come from abusive family, and as a result, I have quite an aversion towards marriage. I've told my boyfriend about it and how I feel. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, I'm 32, he is 39, and now, his family is starting to ask "Come on, it's been long enough, when are you finally going to get married?", "We are old, at least do it for us", "All we want is just a little baby". Apparently they think that the person/couple is not complete or happy if they are not married and with a kid. I try to be polite and avoid these questions, but afterwards I feel terribly upset and angry and really hate them and I imagine all kinds of highly emotional responses. They don't know how I feel and I'm not interested in revealing any of my abusive history to them because I imagine they will be even more nosey and curious. I don't know when and how and if I'm going to get married and have kids, but I want to do it at my own pace. I feel that's my right and I want to tell them to mind their own business, but I don't want to damage the relationship. I don't want this situation to continue, because it's actually damaging to both my relationship (I get angry on my boyfriend because of his parents), and every time I feel pressured, it actually confirms my distorted thoughts about marriage. Can you suggest me: a) some coping mechanisms, e.g. answers I can give them when asked about this b) how should I avoid angry and distressing thoughts after such an encounter?
I come from abusive family, and as a result, I have quite an aversion towards marriage. I've told my boyfriend about it and how I feel. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, I'm 32, he is 39, and now, his family is starting to ask "Come on, it's been long enough, when are you finally going to get married?", "We are old, at least do it for us", "All we want is just a little baby". Apparently they think that the person/couple is not complete or happy if they are not married and with a kid. I try to be polite and avoid these questions, but afterwards I feel terribly upset and angry and really hate them and I imagine all kinds of highly emotional responses. They don't know how I feel and I'm not interested in revealing any of my abusive history to them because I imagine they will be even more nosey and curious. I don't know when and how and if I'm going to get married and have kids, but I want to do it at my own pace. I feel that's my right and I want to tell them to mind their own business, but I don't want to damage the relationship. I don't want this situation to continue, because it's actually damaging to both my relationship (I get angry on my boyfriend because of his parents), and every time I feel pressured, it actually confirms my distorted thoughts about marriage. Can you suggest me: a) some coping mechanisms, e.g. answers I can give them when asked about this b) how should I avoid angry and distressing thoughts after such an encounter?
Answers you can give them: "i don't know when and how and if i'm going to get married and have kids, but i want to do it at my own pace." that's a great answer.
nthing whoaali that it is up to your boyfriend to manage this and tell them to stop pushing you. they can continue to berate him in private.
however, there is NO REASON he should have to reveal personal information about your life that you don't feel comfortable sharing with them in order to do this. none, at all, whatsoever. it is none of their business.
i don't necessarily agree that it's lighthearted. some parents can be freaking relentless about this. i'm watching another couple i know go through this, and they've been together for 9 years. they're cool. they don't want kids yet. every once in a while a parent goes through the "oh if i could only see you happy before i die" thing and the respective child has to manage it.
can you do some short-term talk therapy to get through this? i really feel like you need someone who can hear you vent and work with you on constructive ways to handle it.
posted by micawber at 8:01 PM on November 11, 2008
nthing whoaali that it is up to your boyfriend to manage this and tell them to stop pushing you. they can continue to berate him in private.
however, there is NO REASON he should have to reveal personal information about your life that you don't feel comfortable sharing with them in order to do this. none, at all, whatsoever. it is none of their business.
i don't necessarily agree that it's lighthearted. some parents can be freaking relentless about this. i'm watching another couple i know go through this, and they've been together for 9 years. they're cool. they don't want kids yet. every once in a while a parent goes through the "oh if i could only see you happy before i die" thing and the respective child has to manage it.
can you do some short-term talk therapy to get through this? i really feel like you need someone who can hear you vent and work with you on constructive ways to handle it.
posted by micawber at 8:01 PM on November 11, 2008
There's a missing piece here: how does your boyfriend feel about all this? What are his feelings about marriage and kids; does he appreciate his family's involvement in his life; how does he feel about how you are handling your issues?
Because fundamentally his family is his business, and it is his job to run interference between you and them. That may mean taking them aside and asking them to stop, or it may mean working with you on how you are reacting, or something else entirely.
Basically, even though marriage and kids are about the most private things you can imagine, they are also really public, and perfect strangers (never mind family members) feel entitled to ask extremely direct questions about these things. I don't like it -- I am a private person and don't like having to finesse these kinds of probing questions -- but I've had to accept that it will always be a part of life.
My take on it is that people aren't asking out of meanness or rudeness (though you are finding it both mean and rude). They are genuinely interested, they like babies and weddings, and they are expressing what they see as appropriate and friendly interest in the life of someone who is, after three years with your boyfriend, more or less in the family. To not ask would, in their minds, be strange and kind of rude.
posted by Forktine at 8:04 PM on November 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
Because fundamentally his family is his business, and it is his job to run interference between you and them. That may mean taking them aside and asking them to stop, or it may mean working with you on how you are reacting, or something else entirely.
Basically, even though marriage and kids are about the most private things you can imagine, they are also really public, and perfect strangers (never mind family members) feel entitled to ask extremely direct questions about these things. I don't like it -- I am a private person and don't like having to finesse these kinds of probing questions -- but I've had to accept that it will always be a part of life.
My take on it is that people aren't asking out of meanness or rudeness (though you are finding it both mean and rude). They are genuinely interested, they like babies and weddings, and they are expressing what they see as appropriate and friendly interest in the life of someone who is, after three years with your boyfriend, more or less in the family. To not ask would, in their minds, be strange and kind of rude.
posted by Forktine at 8:04 PM on November 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
There's a missing piece here: how does your boyfriend feel about all this?
Exactly. When his parents say to him in private "so when are the two of you going to get married", does he say "MYOB, don't push us", or does he give a heavy sigh, look sad, and say he's waiting for you to get over some issues?
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:46 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Exactly. When his parents say to him in private "so when are the two of you going to get married", does he say "MYOB, don't push us", or does he give a heavy sigh, look sad, and say he's waiting for you to get over some issues?
posted by PercussivePaul at 8:46 PM on November 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
you're getting very good advice here on how to get your boyfriend to run interference so please listen to that, especially forktine's advice.
having said that, remember you while can't change other people's behaviors on your own, you can change how you react to what they do. in this case, put the shoe on the other foot: try and remember that your boyfriend's family is most likely nagging out of love—because they honestly believe that the two of you getting married would be a good thing, and they want the two of you to be happy. they care enough about you to want you to be part of their family! to marry their son and have their grandkids! that's a good thing!
posted by lia at 10:12 PM on November 11, 2008
having said that, remember you while can't change other people's behaviors on your own, you can change how you react to what they do. in this case, put the shoe on the other foot: try and remember that your boyfriend's family is most likely nagging out of love—because they honestly believe that the two of you getting married would be a good thing, and they want the two of you to be happy. they care enough about you to want you to be part of their family! to marry their son and have their grandkids! that's a good thing!
posted by lia at 10:12 PM on November 11, 2008
The answer to this is really to have your boyfriend take the offending family members aside and tell them that they are not to bring it up ever again. He'll probably have to give them at least some info about your family, but it should be more than enough to shame them into never bringing it up again.
I agree with the first part. I'm not so sure about the second part. When some of my wife's family kept asking bloody annoying questions about when we were going to have children my wife took the offender aside and said, "If you keep pressuring him, he never will. Lay off."
posted by rodgerd at 1:34 AM on November 12, 2008
I agree with the first part. I'm not so sure about the second part. When some of my wife's family kept asking bloody annoying questions about when we were going to have children my wife took the offender aside and said, "If you keep pressuring him, he never will. Lay off."
posted by rodgerd at 1:34 AM on November 12, 2008
"Come on, it's been long enough, when are you finally going to get married?", "We are old, at least do it for us", "All we want is just a little baby". Apparently they think that the person/couple is not complete or happy if they are not married and with a kid.
Well, no; if those quotes are accurate, they have no interest whatsoever in whether you're happy or complete, they just want a grandchild. However you resolve the issue, don't get married for anyone but yourselves, especially if there's going to be a child involved; having kids is the hardest thing you will ever do, and a marriage should be happy and strong before you even consider the possibility.
Remember that grandparents have it easy: they want to enjoy your kid without having to do (again) all that hard work they did to raise their own kids. They've made it clear that they want to see you married to make themselves happy. F that.
posted by davejay at 10:25 AM on November 12, 2008
Well, no; if those quotes are accurate, they have no interest whatsoever in whether you're happy or complete, they just want a grandchild. However you resolve the issue, don't get married for anyone but yourselves, especially if there's going to be a child involved; having kids is the hardest thing you will ever do, and a marriage should be happy and strong before you even consider the possibility.
Remember that grandparents have it easy: they want to enjoy your kid without having to do (again) all that hard work they did to raise their own kids. They've made it clear that they want to see you married to make themselves happy. F that.
posted by davejay at 10:25 AM on November 12, 2008
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Honestly, they probably have no idea how this is hurting you and this is super common and generally pretty lighthearted. (if anything it's actually their way of saying they want you to be part of the family). I had friends in a similar situation, they were married, but the marriage was rocky and despite them both wanting children they knew better that to bring children into a marriage that wasn't working. The in laws were desperate for grandkids and brought it up constantly, but the wife snapped back at them once (which was very out of character) and that was all it took for them to never bring it up again. So if you don't feel having your boyfriend talk to them is an option, you may just need to find a way to send the message that you are NOT ok with these questions and then don't hold a grudge because I'm guessing they have no idea you are upset about it. Something short and curt will probably do it.
posted by whoaali at 7:18 PM on November 11, 2008 [2 favorites]