We like each other but she's got a man abroad.
July 10, 2011 5:39 PM Subscribe
A friend and I have just discovered we've both harboured a mutual, long term attraction for each other. Perfect! Only problem is she's in a long time, very long distance, online relationship. How is it appropriate to approach this, or not?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'm male, she's female, we're both in our mid 20's.
We've known each other since high school and were immediately very close friends, but due to university and moving around we only ever saw each other once or twice a year.
So after reconnecting yet again things finally felt like they were headed for the relationship I'd always hoped it would become.
She noticed it too and after a while decided it was time to tell me about her boyfriend of three years who lives on the other side of the globe. In that conversation I told her about my feelings for her, but that I was very happy for her and still content to remain close friends just the same. She revealed she'd felt the same way all along and we both regretted never having said something in the past.
Now normally I'd suck it up, lament my poor timing and resolve not to make the same mistakes again, but there are some details that make me think I haven't yet lost the girl of my dreams.
In light of this revelation I think she might be second guessing herself, and her LDR, for the reasons below. In addition both before and after she told me about her boyfriend we haven't exactly been acting platonic together. While nothing that would constitute cheating has happened, if I were this guy I would be pretty upset about some of the time we've spent together. It has not been appropriate behaviour for someone in a relationship.
Her relationship is still almost entirely virtual. They met online, and have each visited each other once, although only brief visits of a few days. She plans to move to his country when she's done school but that's still at least another year away. I know online relationships can and do work out but you can't know until you're actually physically together whether you're compatible. She and I are crazy compatible, we always end up on wild adventures, and just get along famously.
This is her first relationship, and on the flip side he's 7 years older and more experienced dating.
Her family is also extremely opposed to it, refused to meet him, and have effectively threatened to disown her if she moves away to be with him.
All of that together makes me think that she's probably confused and maybe weighing her options. As a result when we're together she definitely doesn't act like she has a boyfriend. I very, very much want to be with her, but I don't want my feelings to cloud my judgement and end up doing something that might be wrong, or taking advantage of someone I care about when they're in a difficult spot.
TL;DR She's not unhappy with him, but the relationship is difficult and he's very far away. I'm right here, serious, and offer no complications. If my sudden arrival does have her questioning her LDR are any advances on my part taking unfair advantage of her emotions? We've already done enough to hurt him if he ever found out. Or should I give her the space to figure it out on her own, and probably regret that decision forever?
Thanks for you help.
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