How can I keep the dislike in check?
October 7, 2008 5:47 PM Subscribe
How do you stop yourself from having a visceral reaction to people that you don't like?
There's a girl, who I will call A. She is dating (and has been for a long time) someone who I care very much about. Let's call them F. In the years that they have been dating, every time I see her or even so much as see her name, I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can feel the anger welling up. I don't think they should be together. I think she is holding T back. I think she is the epitome of mediocre to T's brilliance.
So, how do I get past that so that I can have a conversation with T without fearing that the venom will show itself? This has been going on for too long and it's rather frustrating. I know I can't change the situation, only my reaction to it, so how can I do that?
There's a girl, who I will call A. She is dating (and has been for a long time) someone who I care very much about. Let's call them F. In the years that they have been dating, every time I see her or even so much as see her name, I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can feel the anger welling up. I don't think they should be together. I think she is holding T back. I think she is the epitome of mediocre to T's brilliance.
So, how do I get past that so that I can have a conversation with T without fearing that the venom will show itself? This has been going on for too long and it's rather frustrating. I know I can't change the situation, only my reaction to it, so how can I do that?
Honestly, the first thought that popped into my head is that you're jealous and have a thing for F/T/Whatever. You have such a strong reaction to this girl who has done nothing to you that it has to make one wonder. You seem very invested in your friend's choice of relationship, have you ever asked why you care so much?
People don't want to necessarily be with someone who is 'brilliant' even if they themselves are, and if she is holding him back, that's a decision only he can make, and obviously he's made it. Tell yourself this. If he loves and accepts A, why don't you spend some time with her and try and find out what the good qualities are that makes him want to be with her in the first place? You might find out she's a lovely person, and while she may be 'mediocre' (what an awful way of describing someone) it's her support which allows him to be brilliant.
Next time you talk to her, imagine she's a stranger you're meeting for the first time, and treat her politely. After all, how long can a conversation last. If you want to be friends with T it's in your best interest to try and get along with his partner as it sounds like she's not going anywhere. And if you really are jealous and my hunch is true, you need to not see either of them and find a new social circle. Apologies if I'm off about that one.
posted by Jubey at 6:16 PM on October 7, 2008
People don't want to necessarily be with someone who is 'brilliant' even if they themselves are, and if she is holding him back, that's a decision only he can make, and obviously he's made it. Tell yourself this. If he loves and accepts A, why don't you spend some time with her and try and find out what the good qualities are that makes him want to be with her in the first place? You might find out she's a lovely person, and while she may be 'mediocre' (what an awful way of describing someone) it's her support which allows him to be brilliant.
Next time you talk to her, imagine she's a stranger you're meeting for the first time, and treat her politely. After all, how long can a conversation last. If you want to be friends with T it's in your best interest to try and get along with his partner as it sounds like she's not going anywhere. And if you really are jealous and my hunch is true, you need to not see either of them and find a new social circle. Apologies if I'm off about that one.
posted by Jubey at 6:16 PM on October 7, 2008
Response by poster: There was once jealousy, but that has (in all honesty) since passed and I'm in a two-year relationship in which I am completely happy. I have tried to like her... I met her at the same time she did. But to be honest, she just isn't very interesting.
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:22 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:22 PM on October 7, 2008
Response by poster: Gah. F/T is a he. I'm trying to type and watch the debate at the same time :)
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:23 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:23 PM on October 7, 2008
You have a visceral reaction to how mediocre she is? Has she done something bad, mean, been rude to you or to your friend, etc? You don't have to love her, but if you strongly dislike her, even if she has done nothing wrong other than not be super awesome, it sounds like it's your problem, and you'll just have to be more patient.
posted by fructose at 6:32 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by fructose at 6:32 PM on October 7, 2008
It's not your role to second-guess your friend's choice of partner like that. I mean, yeah, have an opinion and all, maybe discuss it with him, but to have an emotional reaction that strong, lasting years?!?? If he didn't see something in her, he wouldn't be dating her. Perhaps you just need to accept that he sees qualities in her that you don't, and leave it at that?
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:38 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:38 PM on October 7, 2008
Get over yourself. Just because you may find someone "mediocre" doesn't mean that they don't have other good qualities. I know plenty of "brilliant" people that are condescending assholes. If you put so much faith into your friend, then why can't you put that kind of faith in his decision to be with the girl he's dating? You don't even know the girl and you have such a strong negative reaction towards her.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:05 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:05 PM on October 7, 2008
I think she is holding T back.
Nobody holds anyone else back. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. If your friend is brilliant but unaccomplished, that's his own fault, not his girlfriend's. If being in a relationship is one of the things that's "holding him back", that's how he's choosing to live. Breathe in, breathe out, remind yourself a thousand times that other people will live different lives from you and that's OK. It will get better with time. Or you'll die, whichever comes first.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:23 PM on October 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
Nobody holds anyone else back. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. If your friend is brilliant but unaccomplished, that's his own fault, not his girlfriend's. If being in a relationship is one of the things that's "holding him back", that's how he's choosing to live. Breathe in, breathe out, remind yourself a thousand times that other people will live different lives from you and that's OK. It will get better with time. Or you'll die, whichever comes first.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:23 PM on October 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
You can't know everything about anyone. Not her. Not your friend.
I'm probably seen by many of my boyfriend's friends as the mediocrity that's cramping his brilliance. Do I care?/Does he care? No, because we make each other laugh like no one else, in a way no one will ever get.
If your friend's happy that should be all the reason you need to drop your anger. You have no claim on him, and you don't have to like her. Although, it's better if you stopped actively disliking people who don't cause anyone any harm. Learning how to be civil to people who are different from you is a necessary part of life.
posted by waterandrock at 7:27 PM on October 7, 2008
I'm probably seen by many of my boyfriend's friends as the mediocrity that's cramping his brilliance. Do I care?/Does he care? No, because we make each other laugh like no one else, in a way no one will ever get.
If your friend's happy that should be all the reason you need to drop your anger. You have no claim on him, and you don't have to like her. Although, it's better if you stopped actively disliking people who don't cause anyone any harm. Learning how to be civil to people who are different from you is a necessary part of life.
posted by waterandrock at 7:27 PM on October 7, 2008
Best answer: Many years ago, a good friend of mine was involved with a woman I disliked, and much of my dislike took the same form yours does: I thought she wasn't good enough for him, wasn't smart or clever enough for him, wasn't political enough for him.
Two things have happened in the intervening years: that "good friend" has now been my lover for 15 years, and looking back, I can see many good qualities in his ex. She was a friendly person, she supported him and his parents substantially when his parents were in ill health, even selling her house to move in with his parents while he was out of state in grad school. Just a couple of examples.
In retrospect, I suppose I couldn't see her good qualities because I had my eye on him myself.
I've also, since then, had the opportunity more than once to overcome an initial dislike of a friend's partner, and, again, I think some of my problem was closed-mindedness or some form of jealousy. Now when I meet a friend's new SO, I consciously remind myself to be open-minded and open-hearted, and I do not let myself dwell on anything they do that might potentially annoy me or that I might be critical of.
So, what do you do? Don't reinforce your negative thoughts about A. Don't dwell on them, don't kvetch about her to others.
Try to notice A's good qualities. Is she kind to your friend? Does she do thoughtful things? Does she have a good sense of humor? Does she have long-standing friendships, is she loyal? Is she a babe? Does she tell good stories?
Say good things about her, to her and to others. "I like A's new haircut. A seems excited about her new job--I'm happy for her. It was sure nice of A to bring donuts on Sunday." Whatever.
Teach your brain a few new tricks. It can be done.
posted by not that girl at 7:33 PM on October 7, 2008
Two things have happened in the intervening years: that "good friend" has now been my lover for 15 years, and looking back, I can see many good qualities in his ex. She was a friendly person, she supported him and his parents substantially when his parents were in ill health, even selling her house to move in with his parents while he was out of state in grad school. Just a couple of examples.
In retrospect, I suppose I couldn't see her good qualities because I had my eye on him myself.
I've also, since then, had the opportunity more than once to overcome an initial dislike of a friend's partner, and, again, I think some of my problem was closed-mindedness or some form of jealousy. Now when I meet a friend's new SO, I consciously remind myself to be open-minded and open-hearted, and I do not let myself dwell on anything they do that might potentially annoy me or that I might be critical of.
So, what do you do? Don't reinforce your negative thoughts about A. Don't dwell on them, don't kvetch about her to others.
Try to notice A's good qualities. Is she kind to your friend? Does she do thoughtful things? Does she have a good sense of humor? Does she have long-standing friendships, is she loyal? Is she a babe? Does she tell good stories?
Say good things about her, to her and to others. "I like A's new haircut. A seems excited about her new job--I'm happy for her. It was sure nice of A to bring donuts on Sunday." Whatever.
Teach your brain a few new tricks. It can be done.
posted by not that girl at 7:33 PM on October 7, 2008
Response by poster: For a little clarification: My mind is not going to change on this. I don't like her. That said, this is also not something that I bring up with my friend. I just feel that it taints our conversations, despite remaining unsaid. What I'm asking for is more along the lines of what 'not that girl' suggested. Mental tricks that I can play on myself to reduce the active venom that boils up.
posted by youcancallmeal at 7:39 PM on October 7, 2008
posted by youcancallmeal at 7:39 PM on October 7, 2008
Echoing others, I think it's about you making a conscious decision to draw a line in the sand that you won't cross because you love and respect your friend. Emotionally, you won't let a dislike spoil your feelings and opinion of your friend and their life. Behaviorally, you won't be cold or mean with that person because that would hurt your friend.
If you think their judgment is wrong or that they're otherwise being unwise, tell them how you feel. Don't expect anything to change, and above all make sure they know that you won't let your opinion get in the way of your relationship with your friend, or your friend's relationship with their SO. You need to recognize that your opinion can have unhealthy consequences for yourself and others, and regard it with necessary poise and detachment. I find this will safeguard your respect and affection for your friend, and their respect and affection for you.
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:49 PM on October 7, 2008
If you think their judgment is wrong or that they're otherwise being unwise, tell them how you feel. Don't expect anything to change, and above all make sure they know that you won't let your opinion get in the way of your relationship with your friend, or your friend's relationship with their SO. You need to recognize that your opinion can have unhealthy consequences for yourself and others, and regard it with necessary poise and detachment. I find this will safeguard your respect and affection for your friend, and their respect and affection for you.
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:49 PM on October 7, 2008
Best answer: OK, you could learn to shut down your internal chatter about how awful a person she is, using a kind of Buddhist approach: when those hateful thoughts arise, acknowledge their existence, but see if you can take a step back & look at them abstractedly: "oh, there's that thought again. how interesting..."
As long as you stop feeding the chatter, if & when the spiteful thoughts arise in your mind, they'll just sit there a while, and then disappear of their own accord. Then, when you're no longer in a self-fulfilling, confirmation-biased mindset, you might be more neutrally or positively open to see some of the good qualities that she probably has.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:58 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]
As long as you stop feeding the chatter, if & when the spiteful thoughts arise in your mind, they'll just sit there a while, and then disappear of their own accord. Then, when you're no longer in a self-fulfilling, confirmation-biased mindset, you might be more neutrally or positively open to see some of the good qualities that she probably has.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:58 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Dispassionate self-observation will help lessen the intensity of your emotions when talking to him.
This is what I would do:
- observe the actual physical feelings I have as they happen ("wow, my stomach is really clenching right now", "i can feel my breathing constrict").
- observe myself with the interest and objectivity of a scientist, neither condemning or applauding myself, simply thinking, "wow, it's really fascinating how I'm responding here."
- try to laugh at myself, for letting this girl get to me, and acknowledge I (just like most people) could make a good reality TV show
posted by uxo at 8:04 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is what I would do:
- observe the actual physical feelings I have as they happen ("wow, my stomach is really clenching right now", "i can feel my breathing constrict").
- observe myself with the interest and objectivity of a scientist, neither condemning or applauding myself, simply thinking, "wow, it's really fascinating how I'm responding here."
- try to laugh at myself, for letting this girl get to me, and acknowledge I (just like most people) could make a good reality TV show
posted by uxo at 8:04 PM on October 7, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You need to replace the venomous feelings with other feelings that are more productive (or at least less venomous):
Picture her holding her dying dog, and feel empathy.
Picture her pulling a baby from a burning building, and feel admiration.
Picture her working her butt off all day in a diner and getting stiffed on tips, and feel injustice.
Picture her winning the lottery and giving you a big chunk to pay off your debts, and feel gratitude.
Eventually, if you practice these over-the-top Jedi mind games enough, you might be able to stop the strong visceral reactions, and instead feel a more detached tolerance.
This probably only works if you have a vivid enough imagination.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:08 PM on October 7, 2008 [8 favorites]
Picture her holding her dying dog, and feel empathy.
Picture her pulling a baby from a burning building, and feel admiration.
Picture her working her butt off all day in a diner and getting stiffed on tips, and feel injustice.
Picture her winning the lottery and giving you a big chunk to pay off your debts, and feel gratitude.
Eventually, if you practice these over-the-top Jedi mind games enough, you might be able to stop the strong visceral reactions, and instead feel a more detached tolerance.
This probably only works if you have a vivid enough imagination.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:08 PM on October 7, 2008 [8 favorites]
It sounds as though your friend doesn't really respect your opinion on the topic of his longtime partner. (Good for him!) If you feel like it's tainting your friendship, then he has probably noted it also. That speaks to how important you are to him relative to her.
If he's brilliant and he stays with his mediocre girlfriend, perhaps he sees things in her that are excellent and special. Maybe she's kind. Maybe she's smart. Maybe she's fabulous in bed. He knows why he's in that relationship and he has no reason to defend that choice to you.
My mind is not going to change on this. I don't like her.
Why are you bothering with this question? Since you're unwilling to give the woman a break, how do you expect this to improve at all? Are you unwilling to consider that they are happy together and as a friend you might want to support the choices that bring him pleasure?
After all these years, are you still so angry that he selected her over you?
posted by 26.2 at 8:09 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]
If he's brilliant and he stays with his mediocre girlfriend, perhaps he sees things in her that are excellent and special. Maybe she's kind. Maybe she's smart. Maybe she's fabulous in bed. He knows why he's in that relationship and he has no reason to defend that choice to you.
My mind is not going to change on this. I don't like her.
Why are you bothering with this question? Since you're unwilling to give the woman a break, how do you expect this to improve at all? Are you unwilling to consider that they are happy together and as a friend you might want to support the choices that bring him pleasure?
After all these years, are you still so angry that he selected her over you?
posted by 26.2 at 8:09 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]
You say:
For a little clarification: My mind is not going to change on this. I don't like her.
And then you say:
What I'm asking for is ... Mental tricks that I can play on myself to reduce the active venom that boils up.
Not hating her any more is a mental trick to take care of the situation. Simply knock it off. It's beneath you. Mature adults respect other people's decisions and don't give in to jealousy. And it's being a good friend. You want to be a good friend, don't you? Which reminds me:
... This is also not something that I bring up with my friend.
Q: What friends can't talk about important and troubling issues of their lifes?
A: Not very good friends.
posted by Ookseer at 8:41 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]
For a little clarification: My mind is not going to change on this. I don't like her.
And then you say:
What I'm asking for is ... Mental tricks that I can play on myself to reduce the active venom that boils up.
Not hating her any more is a mental trick to take care of the situation. Simply knock it off. It's beneath you. Mature adults respect other people's decisions and don't give in to jealousy. And it's being a good friend. You want to be a good friend, don't you? Which reminds me:
... This is also not something that I bring up with my friend.
Q: What friends can't talk about important and troubling issues of their lifes?
A: Not very good friends.
posted by Ookseer at 8:41 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]
I'd imagine a scene where you would be grateful to her for basic decency and politeness. Say that for some reason, everyone you know is out of town, and let's say you and your partner had broken up, so you were feeling alone and depressed. You head out to the music show, but you're bored shopping alone. Then you bump into them and they invite you to join them. They talk to you and invite you to dinner afterwards, and you feel happy for the company. Or, say that your apartment had caught on fire, leaving you needing a place to stay for a few days. F & A offer to let you stay at their place, and A puts the sheets on the sofa bed for you. She'd do that for you, wouldn't she? If your car broke down out in the middle of nowhere at night when it was cold out, and F wasn't home, she'd come pick you up, wouldn't she?
It's one thing to dislike someone when you've got a million choices and everything is going right, but sometimes everything goes wrong and you really need other people. However obnoxious and mediocre she may be, she'll fulfill those basic obligations of kindness and decency, right? If they last, someday she'll probably do you a favor when you really need one.
posted by salvia at 9:48 PM on October 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
It's one thing to dislike someone when you've got a million choices and everything is going right, but sometimes everything goes wrong and you really need other people. However obnoxious and mediocre she may be, she'll fulfill those basic obligations of kindness and decency, right? If they last, someday she'll probably do you a favor when you really need one.
posted by salvia at 9:48 PM on October 7, 2008 [3 favorites]
I was in a similar situation -- except it was my ex's new girlfriend. So not only was there a visceral distaste (there is a particular kind of overly-perky that just sets my teeth on edge), there was also spurned-girlfriend jealousy I was feeling.
I went for just Being Civil. No matter how you feel about someone, a stranger, you can Be Civil for just a little while. Civility lets you excuse yourself after a few minutes to get away if you have to, which helped me...I forgave myself for not liking her right off, because we are not going to automatically like everyone in the world, but I at least had to be decent and courteous, the same way I would be to any stranger, and I stuck to that.
And a year later, when I was over the jealous-girlfriend bit and realized I still didn't dig her, I just told myself that -- "well, okay, I don't get it. But he loves her, I love him -- even though it's now just platonically -- and I want to see him happy. She makes him happy, so...I gotta suck it up." And I stuck to at the very least being civil.
They've been together for six years now. She's still not someone I'm super-crazy about, but I can deal with her a lot more easily now.
The tough thing about a friend that you care about dating someone you don't is that you only see part of the story -- the person your friend is when they're IN a relationship is someone you don't know. You need to trust your friend to know best what they want out of a relationship, and trust that even though you can't figure out what, their date is satisfying something in them that they need, and they know best. Trust that your friend knows what he needs best and be supportive, and when it comes to you and she being social, stick to at the very least trying to be civil and work up from there gradually.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 AM on October 8, 2008
I went for just Being Civil. No matter how you feel about someone, a stranger, you can Be Civil for just a little while. Civility lets you excuse yourself after a few minutes to get away if you have to, which helped me...I forgave myself for not liking her right off, because we are not going to automatically like everyone in the world, but I at least had to be decent and courteous, the same way I would be to any stranger, and I stuck to that.
And a year later, when I was over the jealous-girlfriend bit and realized I still didn't dig her, I just told myself that -- "well, okay, I don't get it. But he loves her, I love him -- even though it's now just platonically -- and I want to see him happy. She makes him happy, so...I gotta suck it up." And I stuck to at the very least being civil.
They've been together for six years now. She's still not someone I'm super-crazy about, but I can deal with her a lot more easily now.
The tough thing about a friend that you care about dating someone you don't is that you only see part of the story -- the person your friend is when they're IN a relationship is someone you don't know. You need to trust your friend to know best what they want out of a relationship, and trust that even though you can't figure out what, their date is satisfying something in them that they need, and they know best. Trust that your friend knows what he needs best and be supportive, and when it comes to you and she being social, stick to at the very least trying to be civil and work up from there gradually.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 AM on October 8, 2008
I don't like my oldese-dearest-friend's husband. He left his first wife to hook up with his second wife, he left his second wife to hook up with my friend, he's a crummy father to the four children he left in his wake, he's in his mid-40s and still getting drunk enough to puke, I could go on. There's no hidden jealousy in my situation, I just thought my friend deserved better than the guy she was settling for.
So I told her. Nicely, but I told her, look, I really care about you and I think you deserve a good guy who treats you well and is kind to babies (my fave cute creature) and kittens (her fave cute creature) and works as hard as you do and etc etc etc and I am only seeing this from my own skewed perspective but I don't see you getting all that from this guy.
I also told her I'd only bring it up this one time, and that I'd support her and try to be as good a friend to her as she'd been to me, regardless of how things worked out. At first she was offended, needed to defend him, etc. and said maybe she shouldn't tell me personal things anymore. That was a risk I was willing to take, because I felt as a friend I should tell her the truth as I saw it. Like you, OP, I had a visceral reaction to this guy. But he was writing her little poems and fixing her closet door and willing to try new foods & stuff with her. So they got married, and I was her matron of honor
(to all you potential brides, I beg you, please do not make anyone over the age of 35 your matron of honor, we love you but we really don't want to wear matching satin dresses, really (this goes double if your 35+ matron of honor is divorced and somewhat jaded about marriage, I mean come on, do you really want that negative energy up there on the altar with you?).
And now 5 years later she's in a marriage with the guy I described in the first paragraph. No poems or harry homeowner stuff and it's steak and potatoes all the time. Plus half a bottle of Jack and a stogie. And I have never brought up again that she deserved better. And I invite them to dinner sometimes and I roll my eyes good-naturedly at his sexist jokes and good-naturedly tell him he's way off base when he tells his racist jokes and I half-jokingly tell him he better be good to his wife or he'll have me to deal with and I'm nice to him because his wife is a dear friend of mine.
posted by headnsouth at 6:24 AM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
So I told her. Nicely, but I told her, look, I really care about you and I think you deserve a good guy who treats you well and is kind to babies (my fave cute creature) and kittens (her fave cute creature) and works as hard as you do and etc etc etc and I am only seeing this from my own skewed perspective but I don't see you getting all that from this guy.
I also told her I'd only bring it up this one time, and that I'd support her and try to be as good a friend to her as she'd been to me, regardless of how things worked out. At first she was offended, needed to defend him, etc. and said maybe she shouldn't tell me personal things anymore. That was a risk I was willing to take, because I felt as a friend I should tell her the truth as I saw it. Like you, OP, I had a visceral reaction to this guy. But he was writing her little poems and fixing her closet door and willing to try new foods & stuff with her. So they got married, and I was her matron of honor
(to all you potential brides, I beg you, please do not make anyone over the age of 35 your matron of honor, we love you but we really don't want to wear matching satin dresses, really (this goes double if your 35+ matron of honor is divorced and somewhat jaded about marriage, I mean come on, do you really want that negative energy up there on the altar with you?).
And now 5 years later she's in a marriage with the guy I described in the first paragraph. No poems or harry homeowner stuff and it's steak and potatoes all the time. Plus half a bottle of Jack and a stogie. And I have never brought up again that she deserved better. And I invite them to dinner sometimes and I roll my eyes good-naturedly at his sexist jokes and good-naturedly tell him he's way off base when he tells his racist jokes and I half-jokingly tell him he better be good to his wife or he'll have me to deal with and I'm nice to him because his wife is a dear friend of mine.
posted by headnsouth at 6:24 AM on October 8, 2008 [1 favorite]
I second/third/nth the advice above to continue to examine the basis of your feelings, and to try to gently retrain your responses to your friend's squeeze.
I would only add this caution: If you notice yourself getting seriously stressed by the situation, consider whether maintaining this friendship is an overall benefit to your life or not. It's crummy to consider walking away from good friend, but your well-being is more important. My gloomy perspective is based on my similar responses to my boss (who is unpredictably abusive; I'm leaving as soon as I can). Hopefully, there isn't crappy treatment involved in your situation. Just keep an eye on your overall health and well-being (there's that nebulous, hippie-abused word again, sigh). Good luck.
posted by manduca at 8:24 AM on October 8, 2008
I would only add this caution: If you notice yourself getting seriously stressed by the situation, consider whether maintaining this friendship is an overall benefit to your life or not. It's crummy to consider walking away from good friend, but your well-being is more important. My gloomy perspective is based on my similar responses to my boss (who is unpredictably abusive; I'm leaving as soon as I can). Hopefully, there isn't crappy treatment involved in your situation. Just keep an eye on your overall health and well-being (there's that nebulous, hippie-abused word again, sigh). Good luck.
posted by manduca at 8:24 AM on October 8, 2008
You have to lie.
This question isn't a question, i think, it's you venting out loud something you can't tell anyone else, for whatever reason.
But the only answer is: you have to lie. If you could envision world peace, you wouldn't be here asking us how you could suddenly take the magic pill and seem to like this person.
Your other option is to avoid them until the bile dies down. I did that, recently, with a friend I was scathingly, irrationally jealous of. I didn't want her to feel bad (she got some recognition she told me I also deserved, but did not get) and I knew all I would do would be to sigh about it. I am old enough to know that time heals all wounds.
When I ran into her a week or two ago, it was true and real and like it never happened.
Those are your options.
posted by micawber at 8:27 AM on October 8, 2008
This question isn't a question, i think, it's you venting out loud something you can't tell anyone else, for whatever reason.
But the only answer is: you have to lie. If you could envision world peace, you wouldn't be here asking us how you could suddenly take the magic pill and seem to like this person.
Your other option is to avoid them until the bile dies down. I did that, recently, with a friend I was scathingly, irrationally jealous of. I didn't want her to feel bad (she got some recognition she told me I also deserved, but did not get) and I knew all I would do would be to sigh about it. I am old enough to know that time heals all wounds.
When I ran into her a week or two ago, it was true and real and like it never happened.
Those are your options.
posted by micawber at 8:27 AM on October 8, 2008
You've gotten a lot of great advice here. You have to accept that this is not a decision you have any say in and butt out. If you really must, if you think it's truly in the best interest of your friend, you can speak up, but that will strain your friendship in ways you can't predict. Trust is a delicate thing, don't test it unless you really must.
Manduca is right : If you notice yourself getting seriously stressed by the situation, consider whether maintaining this friendship is an overall benefit to your life or not.
Take it or leave it, if you take it, fake it till you make it.
posted by MiffyCLB at 9:04 AM on October 8, 2008
Manduca is right : If you notice yourself getting seriously stressed by the situation, consider whether maintaining this friendship is an overall benefit to your life or not.
Take it or leave it, if you take it, fake it till you make it.
posted by MiffyCLB at 9:04 AM on October 8, 2008
There was once jealousy, but that has (in all honesty) since passed and I'm in a two-year relationship in which I am completely happy.
You being completely happy in your relationship doesn´t exclude you from feeling jealousy over this. Entertain that notion, hell, take that notion out for dinner and dancing, and I think you might be able to understand your feelings a bit better.
You probably see this woman as lacking in what you find to be some very attractive qualities that you personally have, and it hurts to have someone reject you for someone that lacks the same fine qualities that you possess. It hurts on a very basic level that´s deeper than it would be if you could understand the attraction to the other person, if something about the other did not seem so contrary to your own ideas of what should be attractive.
Perhaps jealousy isn´t the right word, but you are still feeling rejected in some way.
posted by yohko at 9:07 AM on October 8, 2008
You being completely happy in your relationship doesn´t exclude you from feeling jealousy over this. Entertain that notion, hell, take that notion out for dinner and dancing, and I think you might be able to understand your feelings a bit better.
You probably see this woman as lacking in what you find to be some very attractive qualities that you personally have, and it hurts to have someone reject you for someone that lacks the same fine qualities that you possess. It hurts on a very basic level that´s deeper than it would be if you could understand the attraction to the other person, if something about the other did not seem so contrary to your own ideas of what should be attractive.
Perhaps jealousy isn´t the right word, but you are still feeling rejected in some way.
posted by yohko at 9:07 AM on October 8, 2008
(a) avoid them as much as you can, obviously
(b) Being Civil
(c) pretend as best as you can to treat them the way you would anyone else.
Especially c. I try very hard to treat people I do not like but am stuck dealing with like someone I don't know well but am being polite to.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:35 AM on October 8, 2008
(b) Being Civil
(c) pretend as best as you can to treat them the way you would anyone else.
Especially c. I try very hard to treat people I do not like but am stuck dealing with like someone I don't know well but am being polite to.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:35 AM on October 8, 2008
Yeah, jenfullmoon's point (c) is good -- trying to view people I don't like as a random acquaintance is a strategy that has worked for me.
posted by salvia at 12:29 PM on October 8, 2008
posted by salvia at 12:29 PM on October 8, 2008
I've been in this situation, and I was A. My boyfriend (T) had a female friend who made it very clear from an early stage that she didn't think I was good enough for him. yohko's description was dead-on: she really did see me as "lacking in what [she found] to be some very attractive qualities that [she] personally had", like a career in politics and a generally hyper-cerebral mind.
So based on my situation, I have to ask: are the qualities that you think A lacks qualities that you possess? Do you think that if she was more like you, she would be a better fit for T? You don't give a lot of detail as to how A is "holding T back," but unless she's actually literally foiled career options or other opportunities for him, one can only suppose his situation in life is largely his responsibility.
I don't know if that will help with your reaction to A, or not, but it might be good to think about the situation from a fresh perspective.
posted by timoni at 4:46 PM on October 8, 2008
So based on my situation, I have to ask: are the qualities that you think A lacks qualities that you possess? Do you think that if she was more like you, she would be a better fit for T? You don't give a lot of detail as to how A is "holding T back," but unless she's actually literally foiled career options or other opportunities for him, one can only suppose his situation in life is largely his responsibility.
I don't know if that will help with your reaction to A, or not, but it might be good to think about the situation from a fresh perspective.
posted by timoni at 4:46 PM on October 8, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by youcancallmeal at 5:48 PM on October 7, 2008 [2 favorites]