Good Vibrations, but not for me.
June 6, 2006 11:29 AM Subscribe
My BF wants to by a vibrator for another woman. Is it strange for me to be upset by it?
My BF has a good friend, who he had a brief weird romantic relationship with in the past, years ago, so she's sort of like an ex. He wants to buy this girl a vibrator. While I am friends (by association with the BF) with this girl, I still feel weird about my bf buying another woman a vibrator and I told him about this, but he wants me to get over it. Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this? I'm not a guy, so maybe I don't understand, but is this really not that big of a deal for guys?
If I were the girl, I would feel weird accepting such a gift from someone else's bf. The whole thing just seems so weird and awkward to me.
My BF has a good friend, who he had a brief weird romantic relationship with in the past, years ago, so she's sort of like an ex. He wants to buy this girl a vibrator. While I am friends (by association with the BF) with this girl, I still feel weird about my bf buying another woman a vibrator and I told him about this, but he wants me to get over it. Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this? I'm not a guy, so maybe I don't understand, but is this really not that big of a deal for guys?
If I were the girl, I would feel weird accepting such a gift from someone else's bf. The whole thing just seems so weird and awkward to me.
Is there some actual reason he wants to buy her a vibrator?
I'd be upset. Not necessarily that he thought of it, but that after I expressed reservation he just said "Get over it." The whole thing sounds odd and inconsiderate of everyone involved.
posted by occhiblu at 11:36 AM on June 6, 2006
I'd be upset. Not necessarily that he thought of it, but that after I expressed reservation he just said "Get over it." The whole thing sounds odd and inconsiderate of everyone involved.
posted by occhiblu at 11:36 AM on June 6, 2006
I've bought women friends vibrators before and it never caused too many issues to the woman I was with. In the most recent case I got the vibe after my ex told me her friend had never been able to orgasm by herself. ShI got her one for her birthday and she called to thanks me for it the next morning. She said it was perfect and it hit the 'spot'.
Now, tell your BF to make sure he buys her a waterproof vibe. They're better built than the non-waterproof ones.
posted by DragonBoy at 11:36 AM on June 6, 2006
Now, tell your BF to make sure he buys her a waterproof vibe. They're better built than the non-waterproof ones.
posted by DragonBoy at 11:36 AM on June 6, 2006
I don't understand. Why are you upset by this?
Is it sexual jealousy? Do you think that The Girl and your boyfriend will share some sort of psychic sexual thrill every time she uses it? Are you viewing your man's gift of a vibrator as an overture to The Girl for less synthetic thrills down the road? If that's the case, perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about why he wants to give The Girl the vibrator.
Or, are you just bound up in the dominant taboo that gifts such as vibrators should not be made outside of pairbonded relationships, or intimate same-sex friendships? If that's the case, I'd probably advise that you just loosen up.
posted by Netzapper at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006
Is it sexual jealousy? Do you think that The Girl and your boyfriend will share some sort of psychic sexual thrill every time she uses it? Are you viewing your man's gift of a vibrator as an overture to The Girl for less synthetic thrills down the road? If that's the case, perhaps you should talk to your boyfriend about why he wants to give The Girl the vibrator.
Or, are you just bound up in the dominant taboo that gifts such as vibrators should not be made outside of pairbonded relationships, or intimate same-sex friendships? If that's the case, I'd probably advise that you just loosen up.
posted by Netzapper at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006
This raises an astonishing number of questions. Some of them can even be phrased by simply moving the emphasis to different words.
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Beyond that, why can't she buy her own vibrator? How did you find out he wants to buy her one? Does he have some nefarious plan in mind? Does he have some non-nefarious plan in mind? This whole thing is extremely weird, and coming from me, that's saying quite a lot.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006 [4 favorites]
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Why is he buying her a vibrator?
Beyond that, why can't she buy her own vibrator? How did you find out he wants to buy her one? Does he have some nefarious plan in mind? Does he have some non-nefarious plan in mind? This whole thing is extremely weird, and coming from me, that's saying quite a lot.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006 [4 favorites]
That's because it IS weird and awkward. If he's committed to you, he shouldn't be purchasing sex toys for other women, unless this is an open relationship, and you're okay with it, or you're all polyamorous, etc. From the tone of your post, I'm guessing that's not the case. Clearly, he's taking an interest in the sex life of another woman. As a guy, I think I can say this is not cool and not something we think of as "no big deal".
posted by cosmicbandito at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by cosmicbandito at 11:38 AM on June 6, 2006
Faint of Butt's re-emphasizing of the question nails it, I think. There are too many weird things going on here to make it seem like no big deal. It's especially weird that you told him it bothers you, but he insisted on doing it anyway.
posted by danb at 11:42 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by danb at 11:42 AM on June 6, 2006
If that's the case, I'd probably advise that you just loosen up.
Even if people here disagree whether what he is doing is appropriate (and they WILL disagree) the issue remains that you have expressed your discomfort and he has dismissed it. This is the bigger issue, to me.
posted by vacapinta at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
Even if people here disagree whether what he is doing is appropriate (and they WILL disagree) the issue remains that you have expressed your discomfort and he has dismissed it. This is the bigger issue, to me.
posted by vacapinta at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
Yes, it's weird.
I bought some pornography for a friend serving in Iraq at his request -- and that turned out weird, too. If you aren't in a sexual relationship with someone, buying them something to get them off -- creates unavoidable associations.
You don't buy someone a coffee cup because he can't afford to buy himself something to put his coffee in. Like all gifts, it is the thought that counts, right? You want him to think of you fondly as he drinks from the cup you gave him.
And your boyfriend wants this girl to think of him fondly as she uses a vibrator?
DTMFA.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
I bought some pornography for a friend serving in Iraq at his request -- and that turned out weird, too. If you aren't in a sexual relationship with someone, buying them something to get them off -- creates unavoidable associations.
You don't buy someone a coffee cup because he can't afford to buy himself something to put his coffee in. Like all gifts, it is the thought that counts, right? You want him to think of you fondly as he drinks from the cup you gave him.
And your boyfriend wants this girl to think of him fondly as she uses a vibrator?
DTMFA.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm with occhiblu. Your BF should respect your feelings. If he thinks your discomfort is inappropriate to the situation, he should try to make you more comfortable, not dismiss your concerns.
posted by Zozo at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by Zozo at 11:43 AM on June 6, 2006
Response by poster: It's not an open relationship and from what I understand, he believes she's cranky and that buying her a vibrator will help alleviate that. He wants to buy her one because he says she'd never buy one for herself.
Netzapper, there may be some jealousy issues but is it unreasonable for me to feel this way? I myself have a vibrator, so there's no taboo about it. I wouldn't think twice about buying any of my close girl friend's a vibrator, but I still think it's odd for a man who's in a committed relatioship with one girl to buy a vibrator for another. I would buy this girl a vibrator but I don't really know her well enough for that and I think she would think it was a bit weird.
posted by nakedsushi at 11:44 AM on June 6, 2006
Netzapper, there may be some jealousy issues but is it unreasonable for me to feel this way? I myself have a vibrator, so there's no taboo about it. I wouldn't think twice about buying any of my close girl friend's a vibrator, but I still think it's odd for a man who's in a committed relatioship with one girl to buy a vibrator for another. I would buy this girl a vibrator but I don't really know her well enough for that and I think she would think it was a bit weird.
posted by nakedsushi at 11:44 AM on June 6, 2006
On post: I'm also with vacapinta, apparently. And the Slow Typers' Squad.
posted by Zozo at 11:44 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by Zozo at 11:44 AM on June 6, 2006
I'm in the "not a big deal" camp. If you're comfortable with him, and he's comfortable with you, and he's comfortable enough with you to tell you this before he does anything, I expect there's nothing to worry about. You don't have to be "all polyamorous" to be ok with this, you just have to think it's no big deal. I can imagine situations where it wouldn't be ("hey honey, i'm getting X a vibrator isn't that sexy?" would be one of them) but your question doeesn't imply to me that that's the case.
posted by handee at 11:45 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by handee at 11:45 AM on June 6, 2006
I think it's pretty odd and weird. Not necessarily a portent of cheating to come, but just odd and weird. I would expect some pretty significant explanation of why he thought it was appropriate, not only for your sake, but for his and hers. Because if a friend of mine (male or female) gave me a vibrator outside of some godawful sex toys wedding shower, I'd be pretty freaked out.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:46 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by jacquilynne at 11:46 AM on June 6, 2006
Faint of Butt's questions are very valid here. Can your BF answer them to your satisfaction? And that aside, what both occhiblu and vacapinta pointed out regarding your BF's dismissal of your feelings is a very big deal.
I'd be pissed as hell if my BF was buying a quasi-ex a vibrator. It indicates a level of intimacy that should be placed aside now that he is with you - and if he can't respect that, he doesn't respect you. Why don't you offer to buy her the vibrator (as you say you are friends by association) and see what your BF's reaction is.
posted by meerkatty at 11:48 AM on June 6, 2006
I'd be pissed as hell if my BF was buying a quasi-ex a vibrator. It indicates a level of intimacy that should be placed aside now that he is with you - and if he can't respect that, he doesn't respect you. Why don't you offer to buy her the vibrator (as you say you are friends by association) and see what your BF's reaction is.
posted by meerkatty at 11:48 AM on June 6, 2006
His explanation makes this even more of a stupid idea. "She needs to get laid cuz she's cranky"? Is he gonna include some Midol in the package?
It's not just inconsiderate to all involved, this is now insulting to everyone involved. He tells you to get over it, he's telling her to STFU and have an orgasm.... just, no.
posted by occhiblu at 11:50 AM on June 6, 2006
It's not just inconsiderate to all involved, this is now insulting to everyone involved. He tells you to get over it, he's telling her to STFU and have an orgasm.... just, no.
posted by occhiblu at 11:50 AM on June 6, 2006
I agree with the statements that he should not have dismissed you.
I also wonder how it'd feel to be the girl. Me? I'd be weirded out. It's a very confusing message to send unless he says outright "Here, crankypants, go get off and come back cheerier."
posted by birdie birdington at 11:52 AM on June 6, 2006
I also wonder how it'd feel to be the girl. Me? I'd be weirded out. It's a very confusing message to send unless he says outright "Here, crankypants, go get off and come back cheerier."
posted by birdie birdington at 11:52 AM on June 6, 2006
Response by poster: meerkatty,
He did suggest that I buy her one after I told him it was strange that HE was buying her one, but I don't think I'm close enough friends with her to make it seem not weird. And I don't really think not having a vibe is what's making her cranky.
posted by nakedsushi at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
He did suggest that I buy her one after I told him it was strange that HE was buying her one, but I don't think I'm close enough friends with her to make it seem not weird. And I don't really think not having a vibe is what's making her cranky.
posted by nakedsushi at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
It's completely understandable that you feel strange about this, it expresses a strange blurring of boundaries on your BF's part. The fact that he can't see that when you raise your feelings makes it even stranger. There are obviously no hard and fast rules here, only norms by which you live your lives and your relationship, but it doesn't sound like he's taking your feelings about those norms into account at all.
posted by OmieWise at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by OmieWise at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
I don't have anything intelligent to add, but if you're counting yays and nays, I would be seriously upset at the gift-giving, and also his response to your concerns. It just seems completely inappropriate, but maybe I'm just jealous I don't have those type of friends...
posted by hoborg at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by hoborg at 11:53 AM on June 6, 2006
Oy! Is that his solution for you whenever you are "cranky"?
I agree with posters above that is a scary sexist (and dismissive) way of treating the issues of a so-called friend.
DTMFA!
posted by Methylviolet at 11:56 AM on June 6, 2006
I agree with posters above that is a scary sexist (and dismissive) way of treating the issues of a so-called friend.
DTMFA!
posted by Methylviolet at 11:56 AM on June 6, 2006
I'm with occhiblu & co. here. He's offering a lame (indeed, insulting) reason for buying the ex the vibe in the first place, and then is dismissive of your feelings (never a good sign in general). Sure, I can imagine some circumstances in which a guy buying a vibe for a female friend might be cool to all parties involved, but these circumstances ain't them!
So, yeah, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable, and I wouldn't blame you if you were angry at your bf for belittling your feelings, either.
posted by scody at 11:56 AM on June 6, 2006
So, yeah, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable, and I wouldn't blame you if you were angry at your bf for belittling your feelings, either.
posted by scody at 11:56 AM on June 6, 2006
One of the most upsetting things that happened to me was when a boyfriend ordered as Christmas gifts sex toys by mail order for two women - one a former girlfriend and the other a platonic but close friend. He didn't tell me but forgot to delete the emails (or thought I wouldn't find them - I was using his computer whilst staying at his house).
I fronted up the platonic friend about what her 'Secret Santa' had got her for Christmas, and she said "OMG! I can't believe he told you, he said he wouldn't!" He could see nothing wrong or in appropriate in buying sex toys for a woman with whom he wasn't having a sexual relationship. He thought I was being silly about the whole thing.
I never trusted him again after that and within a few months we were history.
I felt that there was something very sleazy and unpleasant about it, but he thought it was just 'a bit of fun'. Har har. See me laughing?
posted by essexjan at 11:57 AM on June 6, 2006
I fronted up the platonic friend about what her 'Secret Santa' had got her for Christmas, and she said "OMG! I can't believe he told you, he said he wouldn't!" He could see nothing wrong or in appropriate in buying sex toys for a woman with whom he wasn't having a sexual relationship. He thought I was being silly about the whole thing.
I never trusted him again after that and within a few months we were history.
I felt that there was something very sleazy and unpleasant about it, but he thought it was just 'a bit of fun'. Har har. See me laughing?
posted by essexjan at 11:57 AM on June 6, 2006
Odd, weird, wrong, way over the line. It is not strange for you to be upset; what's strange is that he thinks you should think this is perfectly commonplace. As a guy, I can guarantee that I consider it way over the line to buy a vibrator for someone I'm not fucking. Especially when there's someone I am fucking. Something isn't right here.
posted by evariste at 11:59 AM on June 6, 2006
posted by evariste at 11:59 AM on June 6, 2006
If he'd never been in a romantic relationship with her, and they were just best friends, this could be okay. I have a couple friends I could visualize in this situation. But since there was a relationship there, it raises a lot of questions.
The big question I would have is "Why is he thinking about her frustration in sexual terms?" My next big question would be "Why, if this is a sexual frustration issue, does he feel obligated to help alleviate her sexual frustration?" And finally, "Does this imply that they've been talking about sexual matters?" and "Why would they be talking about sexual matters?"
I have a couple other friends who are in a situation like this—they were going out, and now they persist in behaving toward each other in ways that transcend their supposed "we're just friends" stance. When they get together with other people, everyone is left wondering just how long it'll be until it's ended by the new s.o. seeing them hugging or sitting on each other's laps or something. The rest of us step lightly around this "friendship."
posted by limeonaire at 12:00 PM on June 6, 2006
The big question I would have is "Why is he thinking about her frustration in sexual terms?" My next big question would be "Why, if this is a sexual frustration issue, does he feel obligated to help alleviate her sexual frustration?" And finally, "Does this imply that they've been talking about sexual matters?" and "Why would they be talking about sexual matters?"
I have a couple other friends who are in a situation like this—they were going out, and now they persist in behaving toward each other in ways that transcend their supposed "we're just friends" stance. When they get together with other people, everyone is left wondering just how long it'll be until it's ended by the new s.o. seeing them hugging or sitting on each other's laps or something. The rest of us step lightly around this "friendship."
posted by limeonaire at 12:00 PM on June 6, 2006
Wow. His reason for wanting to buy her a vibrator is really (REALLY) crude. You should suggest to him that buying her a vibrator isn't going to make her less feel cranky, it is going to make her feel insulted.
If he is that concerned about her emotional well being and thinks she needs an orgasam to make her feel better, perhaps the best solution would be for him to offer to set her up with someone he thinks she'll hit it off with, and let nature take its course.
posted by necessitas at 12:02 PM on June 6, 2006
If he is that concerned about her emotional well being and thinks she needs an orgasam to make her feel better, perhaps the best solution would be for him to offer to set her up with someone he thinks she'll hit it off with, and let nature take its course.
posted by necessitas at 12:02 PM on June 6, 2006
The obvious split in the answers here is between the "sex is no big deal" people and the "OMG SEX THIS IS THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD" people. Unfortunately, what this whole thing shows is that your boyfriend is the first type, while you are the second -- not a good place to be.
posted by reklaw at 12:03 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by reklaw at 12:03 PM on June 6, 2006
It is pretty weird, but it sounds like your BF sees a problem and a solution, that can be hard to ignore.
Surely there is a way to implement his solution without causing you trouble. Some suggestions, get your BF to find another friend to give the gift, or send it anonymously in the mail (and insist that it stays anonymous!). There must be other ways around it..
posted by Chuckles at 12:07 PM on June 6, 2006
Surely there is a way to implement his solution without causing you trouble. Some suggestions, get your BF to find another friend to give the gift, or send it anonymously in the mail (and insist that it stays anonymous!). There must be other ways around it..
posted by Chuckles at 12:07 PM on June 6, 2006
Reklaw, that is just stupid. Nobody here is like "OMG, VIBRATOR, EWWWWW" It isn't about sex or prudishness or anything of the sort. Nobody here is offended by the idea of someone needing an orgasm. The issue is about vibrators in terms of the gifter and the recipient.
posted by necessitas at 12:09 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by necessitas at 12:09 PM on June 6, 2006
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can see where there might just be a misunderstanding between the BF and the poster.
It's not an open relationship and from what I understand, he believes she's cranky and that buying her a vibrator will help alleviate that.
This is a big hint. Is he actually serious about it, or is it a joke? Because I know people (including myself) who would be completely the type to buy someone a vibrator or porn or a blowup doll or a weird fetish outfit just to laugh at the reaction of the recipient when they open it. RealDolls? Crazy creepy, but if I had billions of dollars I would definitely buy one for some unsuspecting friend with no romantic luck and hide it in his or her closet, preferably in some spring-loaded trap.
It's possible that is the nature of your boyfriend and his friend's relationship. Sure, she might actually use the vibrator, but that's not the point of the gift. The point is "Hahaha, you seem cranky, here's a joke gift to make you smile." Perhaps one day she will return the favor by buying a giant buttplug for him or something.
posted by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on June 6, 2006
It's not an open relationship and from what I understand, he believes she's cranky and that buying her a vibrator will help alleviate that.
This is a big hint. Is he actually serious about it, or is it a joke? Because I know people (including myself) who would be completely the type to buy someone a vibrator or porn or a blowup doll or a weird fetish outfit just to laugh at the reaction of the recipient when they open it. RealDolls? Crazy creepy, but if I had billions of dollars I would definitely buy one for some unsuspecting friend with no romantic luck and hide it in his or her closet, preferably in some spring-loaded trap.
It's possible that is the nature of your boyfriend and his friend's relationship. Sure, she might actually use the vibrator, but that's not the point of the gift. The point is "Hahaha, you seem cranky, here's a joke gift to make you smile." Perhaps one day she will return the favor by buying a giant buttplug for him or something.
posted by Anonymous at 12:09 PM on June 6, 2006
I really don't think you have to have any major sexual hang-ups to prefer your current boyfriend not be giving sex toys to an ex. Or to prefer that your boyfriend take your feelings into account after you've clearly expressed them.
posted by occhiblu at 12:10 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by occhiblu at 12:10 PM on June 6, 2006
Well, he's willing to let you give the gift (but you'd find it odd.)
Why not just make it from the both of you? This way there won't be an association of it coming from him....as from the couple you two are.
posted by filmgeek at 12:10 PM on June 6, 2006
Why not just make it from the both of you? This way there won't be an association of it coming from him....as from the couple you two are.
posted by filmgeek at 12:10 PM on June 6, 2006
Wow. His reason for wanting to buy her a vibrator is really (REALLY) crude.
Yeah, I could see his reaction to you being valid if he was one of those (boringly) militant sex positive folks, but then you'd already know that and would probably understand why giving the gift of vibe would be important to him. If it's just a gag gift, he needs to let it go.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 12:13 PM on June 6, 2006
Yeah, I could see his reaction to you being valid if he was one of those (boringly) militant sex positive folks, but then you'd already know that and would probably understand why giving the gift of vibe would be important to him. If it's just a gag gift, he needs to let it go.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 12:13 PM on June 6, 2006
reklaw writes "The obvious split in the answers here is between the 'sex is no big deal' people and the 'OMG SEX THIS IS THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD' people. Unfortunately, what this whole thing shows is that your boyfriend is the first type, while you are the second -- not a good place to be."
That may be the obvious split, but isn't the split indicated in any of the poster's posts or the replies here. Casting it in those terms actually obscures the issue, and may contribute to dismissing the completely normal concerns about the boundaries of sexual relationships being raised by the poster.
posted by OmieWise at 12:14 PM on June 6, 2006
That may be the obvious split, but isn't the split indicated in any of the poster's posts or the replies here. Casting it in those terms actually obscures the issue, and may contribute to dismissing the completely normal concerns about the boundaries of sexual relationships being raised by the poster.
posted by OmieWise at 12:14 PM on June 6, 2006
necessitas & OmieWise: What I'm trying to get at is that, for some people, believe it or not, a vibrator is no stranger of a gift for their friend than a set of nice pans. Your "gifter and recipient", "boundaries of sexual relationships" stuff assumes that it is inherently weird/wrong/whatever to want to give someone you're not involved with a vibrator. Many people think that way, but many don't -- and that's the split I was trying to get at here.
posted by reklaw at 12:18 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by reklaw at 12:18 PM on June 6, 2006
Your BF seems to want to send his ex a message, not a present. Is he having some sort of disagreement with her? There's something really condescending about handing a woman a vibrator because you think they're acting 'cranky', you know? And worse, why did he want to send this message through you initially?
Maybe this is a well meaning gag gift, but if it's something "she'd never buy for herself", as he said, I don't think this is entirely a benign gesture on his part. And telling you to just get over it doesn't help.
posted by maryh at 12:23 PM on June 6, 2006
Maybe this is a well meaning gag gift, but if it's something "she'd never buy for herself", as he said, I don't think this is entirely a benign gesture on his part. And telling you to just get over it doesn't help.
posted by maryh at 12:23 PM on June 6, 2006
I really don't think you have to have any major sexual hang-ups to prefer your current boyfriend not be giving sex toys to an ex. Or to prefer that your boyfriend take your feelings into account after you've clearly expressed them.
That's just really worth repeating.
I really don't see this is as a sexually progressive vs. not sexually progressive issue. I have the most sexually open friends in the entire universe and they all like and enjoy sex so much that vibrators don't make gag gifts. If they made a gift at all it would be taken with seriousness and effort to find what'd be most pleasing to the recipient.
It's actually the "giggle giggle, vibrator will make you not so grim!" brain that seems a little...frat boy and not sexually progressive.
posted by birdie birdington at 12:30 PM on June 6, 2006
That's just really worth repeating.
I really don't see this is as a sexually progressive vs. not sexually progressive issue. I have the most sexually open friends in the entire universe and they all like and enjoy sex so much that vibrators don't make gag gifts. If they made a gift at all it would be taken with seriousness and effort to find what'd be most pleasing to the recipient.
It's actually the "giggle giggle, vibrator will make you not so grim!" brain that seems a little...frat boy and not sexually progressive.
posted by birdie birdington at 12:30 PM on June 6, 2006
What I'm trying to get at is that, for some people, believe it or not, a vibrator is no stranger of a gift for their friend than a set of nice pans.
That is both true and irrelevant to the matter at hand (ahem). Nakedsushi gives no indication that her bf is this type of person who regularly gives sex toys as presents to friends, exes, etc.
posted by scody at 12:32 PM on June 6, 2006
That is both true and irrelevant to the matter at hand (ahem). Nakedsushi gives no indication that her bf is this type of person who regularly gives sex toys as presents to friends, exes, etc.
posted by scody at 12:32 PM on June 6, 2006
I think there is a possibility for a strange association between you BF (gifter) and the whole "getting off" aspect of the vibrator.
I'd be uncomfortable if my GF bought her quasi-ex some sort of masterbatory aide, if only because every time this quasi-ex got off, he'd think of my GF (and given hormones, who can say it won't be sexual)...
I wouldn't be uncomfortable with my GF giving a quasi-ex a gift certificate to a sex shop with explicit instructions that it be used for a mastabatory aide... Even going into the shop to make sure he uses it correctly.... just so long as she doesn't choose it for him...
Probably a wierd place to draw the line, but when I think about gifts that I've received, I can tell you who gave me an item, but not who gave me the gift card that I used to purchase some item. In my perfect world, this would at least let the quasi-ex form his own associations... if he still thinks of my GF, well, that's his fault, not hers...
(for the record, to keep from being mis-represented, I don't have an issue with others thinking about my GF sexually, but I think I would if she were specifically introducing those thoughts herself....)
posted by hatsix at 12:33 PM on June 6, 2006
I'd be uncomfortable if my GF bought her quasi-ex some sort of masterbatory aide, if only because every time this quasi-ex got off, he'd think of my GF (and given hormones, who can say it won't be sexual)...
I wouldn't be uncomfortable with my GF giving a quasi-ex a gift certificate to a sex shop with explicit instructions that it be used for a mastabatory aide... Even going into the shop to make sure he uses it correctly.... just so long as she doesn't choose it for him...
Probably a wierd place to draw the line, but when I think about gifts that I've received, I can tell you who gave me an item, but not who gave me the gift card that I used to purchase some item. In my perfect world, this would at least let the quasi-ex form his own associations... if he still thinks of my GF, well, that's his fault, not hers...
(for the record, to keep from being mis-represented, I don't have an issue with others thinking about my GF sexually, but I think I would if she were specifically introducing those thoughts herself....)
posted by hatsix at 12:33 PM on June 6, 2006
Reklaw, thinking that a vibrator is a weird and exceedingly intimate gift for a guy to give his ex (especially when he is in a relationship with another woman) does not translate to anything remotely similar to "'OMG SEX THIS IS THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD'"
posted by necessitas at 12:33 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by necessitas at 12:33 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm definitely in the 'sex is not a big deal' crowd, and I would not be happy with a girlfriend buying a sex toy for an ex of hers (or, really, any other hetero male on the planet), and I wouldn't be surprised if she felt the same way if the situation were vice versa.
If a girlfriend was giving a sex toy to an ex, and I said I had a problem with it, and she said 'get over it,' well, I think I'd have to say 'Uh, no, actually, I don't want to go out with someone who would do something like that, so YOU get over it.'
You don't have to be a prude to be uncomfortable with your lover providing a means of sexual stimulation to someone else.
On preview:
What I'm trying to get at is that, for some people, believe it or not, a vibrator is no stranger of a gift for their friend than a set of nice pans.
Not if you're giving it to someone that you have had sex with.
posted by bingo at 12:34 PM on June 6, 2006
If a girlfriend was giving a sex toy to an ex, and I said I had a problem with it, and she said 'get over it,' well, I think I'd have to say 'Uh, no, actually, I don't want to go out with someone who would do something like that, so YOU get over it.'
You don't have to be a prude to be uncomfortable with your lover providing a means of sexual stimulation to someone else.
On preview:
What I'm trying to get at is that, for some people, believe it or not, a vibrator is no stranger of a gift for their friend than a set of nice pans.
Not if you're giving it to someone that you have had sex with.
posted by bingo at 12:34 PM on June 6, 2006
You don't have to be a prude to be uncomfortable with your lover providing a means of sexual stimulation to someone else.
Why?
If you're not comfortable with that, then it's your own sexual hangup -- and one that's shared by a lot of people -- but that doesn't make it any more right and true.
I think it's pretty silly for people to go around saying "well, I'm not a prude but this... this is just beyond the pale". That's basically what it comes down to.
If you're "not a prude" but you wouldn't take part in bondage, does that make bondage intrinsically weird? If you're "not a prude" but anal sex makes you uncomfortable, does that mean it's weird for people to have anal sex? If you're "not a prude" but you think sex belongs inside marriage, does that make sex outside marriage weird? And so on and so on.
posted by reklaw at 12:53 PM on June 6, 2006
Why?
If you're not comfortable with that, then it's your own sexual hangup -- and one that's shared by a lot of people -- but that doesn't make it any more right and true.
I think it's pretty silly for people to go around saying "well, I'm not a prude but this... this is just beyond the pale". That's basically what it comes down to.
If you're "not a prude" but you wouldn't take part in bondage, does that make bondage intrinsically weird? If you're "not a prude" but anal sex makes you uncomfortable, does that mean it's weird for people to have anal sex? If you're "not a prude" but you think sex belongs inside marriage, does that make sex outside marriage weird? And so on and so on.
posted by reklaw at 12:53 PM on June 6, 2006
I'm a guy and I think this is weird. The thing about an ex (especially when you're with someone else) is that, in my opinion, if you're going to remain friends anything directly sexual is off the cards. Maybe if you're been exes for years then you could get away with this but otherwise it's too confusing. Too confusing for the exes and especially for the people that they're now with. I feel the same way that you do.
posted by ob at 12:53 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by ob at 12:53 PM on June 6, 2006
Is it strange for me to be upset by it?
No, I think most people would be upset. For me the real question is: is your boyfriend being a jerk about it because he's just a jerk or is there something else going on... like he's getting afraid of settling down and becoming conventional and boring or something?
posted by teleskiving at 12:58 PM on June 6, 2006
No, I think most people would be upset. For me the real question is: is your boyfriend being a jerk about it because he's just a jerk or is there something else going on... like he's getting afraid of settling down and becoming conventional and boring or something?
posted by teleskiving at 12:58 PM on June 6, 2006
At first, I thought "well, at least the guy gets points for telling you about it" but then I started wondering if he only told you in case she mentions it in front of you, and he doesn't want to have to ask her to keep quiet about it.
I'm with the crowd that says the real problem here is that you told him you're uncomfortable with it and he told you to get over it. This just shows that whatever kicks he's getting from giving her the vibrator are more important to him than your feelings. Not a good sign.
posted by hazyjane at 12:59 PM on June 6, 2006
I'm with the crowd that says the real problem here is that you told him you're uncomfortable with it and he told you to get over it. This just shows that whatever kicks he's getting from giving her the vibrator are more important to him than your feelings. Not a good sign.
posted by hazyjane at 12:59 PM on June 6, 2006
I don't think it's strange for you to be upset.
I would also feel quite thoroughly squicked out by an ex getting me a vibrator. What goes on in my sex life became none of their business once they became an ex.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:59 PM on June 6, 2006
I would also feel quite thoroughly squicked out by an ex getting me a vibrator. What goes on in my sex life became none of their business once they became an ex.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:59 PM on June 6, 2006
reklaw, you insist on continuing to look at the question as if it's an abstract one (e.g., "is it ever OK for a man to give a sex toy to a woman he's not presently in a relationship with?" "are there people out there who are more open about sexual practices than I am?") while disregarding the actual specific context nakedsushi has provided and which the rest of us are responding to (i.e., the bf is getting the vibe for the ex-gf because "she's cranky"; he dismisses his current gf's feelings by telling her to "get over it" -- both of them pretty good signals, by the way, that he's not a proponent of the oh-so-liberated mindset that you're talking about).
So you're not really answering the question; you're projecting abstract issues of sexual behavior, taboos, etc. onto a the situation -- issues which might indeed be very interesting, but are irrelevant to the actual question at hand.
posted by scody at 1:05 PM on June 6, 2006
So you're not really answering the question; you're projecting abstract issues of sexual behavior, taboos, etc. onto a the situation -- issues which might indeed be very interesting, but are irrelevant to the actual question at hand.
posted by scody at 1:05 PM on June 6, 2006
...not that I mean to imply your boyfriend is deliberately being creepy... he just may not realize that she may be made rather uncomfortable and possibly angry by this gift. Kinda demeaning to be feeling angsty at the world, only to be told "you just need a brisk rogering, or the next best thing!" By an ex, no less.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:06 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by oneirodynia at 1:06 PM on June 6, 2006
If you're "not a prude" but you wouldn't take part in bondage, does that make bondage intrinsically weird? If you're "not a prude" but anal sex makes you uncomfortable, does that mean it's weird for people to have anal sex? If you're "not a prude" but you think sex belongs inside marriage, does that make sex outside marriage weird?
If you wouldn't take part in bondage and your boyfriend insists you should, or if anal sex makes you uncomfortable but your boyfriend insists you should, if you think sex belongs inside marriage but your husband insists he should be able to sleep around, and if your objections to any of these are met by your partner saying "Get over it, I'm doing it anyway," then it doesn't matter whether you're a prude, it just matters that there's a relationship problem here.
posted by occhiblu at 1:07 PM on June 6, 2006
If you wouldn't take part in bondage and your boyfriend insists you should, or if anal sex makes you uncomfortable but your boyfriend insists you should, if you think sex belongs inside marriage but your husband insists he should be able to sleep around, and if your objections to any of these are met by your partner saying "Get over it, I'm doing it anyway," then it doesn't matter whether you're a prude, it just matters that there's a relationship problem here.
posted by occhiblu at 1:07 PM on June 6, 2006
Like reklaw, I think the whole "these are boundaries that someone who is not dating me right now may cross" thing is weird (same with the thinking it's so wrong to flirt with someone you are not dating). But that he dismissed it is a problem.
posted by dame at 1:10 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by dame at 1:10 PM on June 6, 2006
Just throwing this out there as a possible solution:
Do you agree with your BF that it isn't a bad gift for someone to get her, just so long as that someone giving it to her is not your BF?
If so, then while she is less of a friend of yours than him, would you feel better for the gift to be clearly labelled as a gift from him AND you? (And/or you take part in the choosing of it).
It might take some of the suggestive / inferred intimacy out of it, which I think is a major part of the problem. OTOH, it might be wierder. Just thought I'd throw it out.
posted by -harlequin- at 1:12 PM on June 6, 2006
Do you agree with your BF that it isn't a bad gift for someone to get her, just so long as that someone giving it to her is not your BF?
If so, then while she is less of a friend of yours than him, would you feel better for the gift to be clearly labelled as a gift from him AND you? (And/or you take part in the choosing of it).
It might take some of the suggestive / inferred intimacy out of it, which I think is a major part of the problem. OTOH, it might be wierder. Just thought I'd throw it out.
posted by -harlequin- at 1:12 PM on June 6, 2006
No, I don't think it's strange. I'd be upset too...even more so if I'd told him I was uncomfortable with it and he just told me to get over it. IMO, a vibrator is just too intimate of a gift to give someone you're not sleeping with, especially if you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, more so if you've slept with the givee already.
If an ex gave me a vibrator after we broke up, no matter what his intentions, I'd be squicked out too. There is just no good side to be on here.
posted by SisterHavana at 1:16 PM on June 6, 2006
If an ex gave me a vibrator after we broke up, no matter what his intentions, I'd be squicked out too. There is just no good side to be on here.
posted by SisterHavana at 1:16 PM on June 6, 2006
Um, your boyfriend is acting like a douchebag. I can see times when this would be fine, and I wouldn't necessarily have a huge problem giving one to one of my exes, but it would bother my girlfriend so I wouldn't do it.
For Reklaw— The absolutist argument is retarded here. While there are all sorts of examples I could give for things that some people think are OK but generally aren't good for society, I'll avoid going further down the derail garden path and simply say that this might not be the best place to make your ALL IS PRUDERY stand.
posted by klangklangston at 1:18 PM on June 6, 2006
For Reklaw— The absolutist argument is retarded here. While there are all sorts of examples I could give for things that some people think are OK but generally aren't good for society, I'll avoid going further down the derail garden path and simply say that this might not be the best place to make your ALL IS PRUDERY stand.
posted by klangklangston at 1:18 PM on June 6, 2006
I'd agree with hatsix on this one.
If she wants one (or is interested) but "won't buy it for herself", he can buy her a Good Vibrations gift certificate, she can buy it online where no one can see her and it can arrive in a brown paper wrapper. Maybe you could even make notes on any you'd recommend or recommend against in a catalog.
If he wants to get her an offensive gag gift about being cranky, Midol, Calgon and a useless, stupid inflatable man or something.
If he wants more involvement in her labia than that, well, um, that might be a problem for a non-open relationship.
posted by Gucky at 1:19 PM on June 6, 2006
If she wants one (or is interested) but "won't buy it for herself", he can buy her a Good Vibrations gift certificate, she can buy it online where no one can see her and it can arrive in a brown paper wrapper. Maybe you could even make notes on any you'd recommend or recommend against in a catalog.
If he wants to get her an offensive gag gift about being cranky, Midol, Calgon and a useless, stupid inflatable man or something.
If he wants more involvement in her labia than that, well, um, that might be a problem for a non-open relationship.
posted by Gucky at 1:19 PM on June 6, 2006
What I'm trying to get at is that, for some people, believe it or not, a vibrator is no stranger of a gift for their friend than a set of nice pans.
A really, really small number of people, I'd wager, and an even smaller number when you take into account how many people would be weirded out by such a gift. In any case, just because some people believe it, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean that it isn't needlessly hurtful to your partner. What's more important - the feelings of his committed partner, or getting his ex-girlfriend off? If it's just a joke, it's clear nakedsushi doesn't think it's funny at all.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:20 PM on June 6, 2006
A really, really small number of people, I'd wager, and an even smaller number when you take into account how many people would be weirded out by such a gift. In any case, just because some people believe it, it doesn't make it right, and it doesn't mean that it isn't needlessly hurtful to your partner. What's more important - the feelings of his committed partner, or getting his ex-girlfriend off? If it's just a joke, it's clear nakedsushi doesn't think it's funny at all.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:20 PM on June 6, 2006
scody: Let's look at the parts of the question with the question marks:
"Is it strange for me to be upset by it?"
"Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this?"
"is this really not that big of a deal for guys?"
If the question was "is there a problem with my relationship?", then I'm with your answers all the way -- there clearly is a problem with the relationship, as I said in my first answer. But that's not the question that was asked. What we're trying to ascertain is whether it's inherently a strange thing to do -- and I don't think it is.
posted by reklaw at 1:21 PM on June 6, 2006
"Is it strange for me to be upset by it?"
"Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this?"
"is this really not that big of a deal for guys?"
If the question was "is there a problem with my relationship?", then I'm with your answers all the way -- there clearly is a problem with the relationship, as I said in my first answer. But that's not the question that was asked. What we're trying to ascertain is whether it's inherently a strange thing to do -- and I don't think it is.
posted by reklaw at 1:21 PM on June 6, 2006
Response by poster: harelequin and others who suggested a similar solution:
While it's a good solution, I feel weird about her associating something she gets off by with me, even remotely. I guess that's my own hang-up. I feel like she would even be offended that we bought a gift like that for her. But then, I don't know this friend well enough, and the BF seems to think she'll actually like the gift.
posted by nakedsushi at 1:23 PM on June 6, 2006
While it's a good solution, I feel weird about her associating something she gets off by with me, even remotely. I guess that's my own hang-up. I feel like she would even be offended that we bought a gift like that for her. But then, I don't know this friend well enough, and the BF seems to think she'll actually like the gift.
posted by nakedsushi at 1:23 PM on June 6, 2006
What we're trying to ascertain is whether it's inherently a strange thing to do -- and I don't think it is.
No, as you've just pointed out, we're trying to work out:
"Is it strange for me to be upset by it?"
"Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this?"
"is this really not that big of a deal for guys?"
And the answers are "no", "hell no" and "I'm a guy, and I think it's a big deal, because he doesn't seem to be able to get over his own ego and see that this needlessly upsets you." No mention of "is it inherently strange for my boyfriend to do this?" at all. The answer to that one is "no, it's not strange at all, if he's a pig."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:24 PM on June 6, 2006
No, as you've just pointed out, we're trying to work out:
"Is it strange for me to be upset by it?"
"Is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this?"
"is this really not that big of a deal for guys?"
And the answers are "no", "hell no" and "I'm a guy, and I think it's a big deal, because he doesn't seem to be able to get over his own ego and see that this needlessly upsets you." No mention of "is it inherently strange for my boyfriend to do this?" at all. The answer to that one is "no, it's not strange at all, if he's a pig."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:24 PM on June 6, 2006
Well, I think the answers are "no, if that's the kind of person you are", "a little, if you knew your boyfriend was like that" and then "well, actually, for some guys (and girls) it really isn't that big of a deal". See what I'm getting at here?
posted by reklaw at 1:32 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by reklaw at 1:32 PM on June 6, 2006
Wrong, wrong, wrong. The boyfriend is being disingenuous with his explanation of why he settled on the vibrator as a gift. He's got a different reason that he's not letting on (and may not be fully conscious of). The people in this thread pretending that it's no big deal are one of the following: especially disingenuous, autistic, or aliens from the planet Sexvegas.
And while there may be people for whom a sex toy, given in earnest, is a perfectly normal gift, I will go out on a limb and say they are a distinct minority, even among people with no particular sexual hangups. The OP has given us no reason to think her boyfriend or the would-be recipient are members of that sex-positive elite.
posted by adamrice at 1:38 PM on June 6, 2006
And while there may be people for whom a sex toy, given in earnest, is a perfectly normal gift, I will go out on a limb and say they are a distinct minority, even among people with no particular sexual hangups. The OP has given us no reason to think her boyfriend or the would-be recipient are members of that sex-positive elite.
posted by adamrice at 1:38 PM on June 6, 2006
In college, I made a lot of friends that happened to be girls. They became very very good friends of mine, and because it was college and everyone gets all randy... we often talked about sex. For about a week, I was with one of them in a "friends with benefits" relationship but we stopped because there was a guy that she'd met that she wanted to date. Our friendship didn't change AT ALL.
With the amount of sexual talk and comfort that we afforded between us, if I knew that one of my friends got "cranky" because she hasn't had sex, then I'd buy her a vibrator if she was too embarrased to do so herself. It would be a nice gift; one that most people could not give.
I believe that your boyfriend has something close to the same type of friend that I have. He probably has a very comfortable ability to talk about sexual matters with her and this is nothing odd for either of them.
The problem here is that you have never had a friend like this and you find it completely absurd and rude (as is the case with many people commenting here). Talk to your boyfriend about what kind of stuff he and her are able to discuss, and you may find that you are more comfortable with your own sexuality shortly after.
posted by cleverusername at 1:38 PM on June 6, 2006
With the amount of sexual talk and comfort that we afforded between us, if I knew that one of my friends got "cranky" because she hasn't had sex, then I'd buy her a vibrator if she was too embarrased to do so herself. It would be a nice gift; one that most people could not give.
I believe that your boyfriend has something close to the same type of friend that I have. He probably has a very comfortable ability to talk about sexual matters with her and this is nothing odd for either of them.
The problem here is that you have never had a friend like this and you find it completely absurd and rude (as is the case with many people commenting here). Talk to your boyfriend about what kind of stuff he and her are able to discuss, and you may find that you are more comfortable with your own sexuality shortly after.
posted by cleverusername at 1:38 PM on June 6, 2006
What do you mean by "nice pans"?
posted by staggernation at 1:39 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by staggernation at 1:39 PM on June 6, 2006
If its because she is too embarassed to buy it for herself or something and doesn't even want it on a credit card statement, fine. Otherwise, weird.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:40 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 1:40 PM on June 6, 2006
Also, I want to add that it's better that he buy her a vibrator instead of using his own personal device.
posted by cleverusername at 1:40 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by cleverusername at 1:40 PM on June 6, 2006
Um, your boyfriend is acting like a douchebag.
That's precisely the word I was going to use.
To be honest, I have to wonder about someone who feels compelled to ask this question. I mean, really: "My steady boyfriend wants to buy a sex toy for his ex-girlfriend, and I think maybe I'm being unreasonable for objecting." Either you're deliberately trolling, or you're not very smart, or you're INCREDIBLY insecure.
But yeah, your boyfriend is definitely a douchebag — partly because he's being disrespectful, but also because it sounds like he's trying to provoke a reaction from you. There aren't many guys who wouldn't immediately recognize the problem with his proposal; and if he were one of those people, he wouldn't be announcing it to you in advance. He'd have simply given her the present; and then when you got upset, he'd be genuinely surprised.
From your description, it sounds more like he's trying to play some cheap game — trying to indirectly stoke a sexual tension with his ex-girlfriend, and simultaneously trying to arouse your jealousy. There are lots of words to describe that, but the bottom line is that he's behaving like a woman.
posted by cribcage at 1:43 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
That's precisely the word I was going to use.
To be honest, I have to wonder about someone who feels compelled to ask this question. I mean, really: "My steady boyfriend wants to buy a sex toy for his ex-girlfriend, and I think maybe I'm being unreasonable for objecting." Either you're deliberately trolling, or you're not very smart, or you're INCREDIBLY insecure.
But yeah, your boyfriend is definitely a douchebag — partly because he's being disrespectful, but also because it sounds like he's trying to provoke a reaction from you. There aren't many guys who wouldn't immediately recognize the problem with his proposal; and if he were one of those people, he wouldn't be announcing it to you in advance. He'd have simply given her the present; and then when you got upset, he'd be genuinely surprised.
From your description, it sounds more like he's trying to play some cheap game — trying to indirectly stoke a sexual tension with his ex-girlfriend, and simultaneously trying to arouse your jealousy. There are lots of words to describe that, but the bottom line is that he's behaving like a woman.
posted by cribcage at 1:43 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
With the amount of sexual talk and comfort that we afforded between us, if I knew that one of my friends got "cranky" because she hasn't had sex, then I'd buy her a vibrator if she was too embarrased to do so herself. It would be a nice gift; one that most people could not give.
Cleverusername, you tell us how YOU would feel about it, you tell us how YOUR FRIEND would react to it, what you don't shed light on is whether or not you had another girlfriend at the time and how SHE felt about it. That is the issue here.
posted by necessitas at 1:45 PM on June 6, 2006
Cleverusername, you tell us how YOU would feel about it, you tell us how YOUR FRIEND would react to it, what you don't shed light on is whether or not you had another girlfriend at the time and how SHE felt about it. That is the issue here.
posted by necessitas at 1:45 PM on June 6, 2006
If your boyfriend thinks it's more important to buy his ex a sex toy than to show consideration for your feelings then you are in a bad relationship.
posted by glenwood at 1:49 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by glenwood at 1:49 PM on June 6, 2006
If I bought a set of pans for an ex and my husband said he was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't give them the pans until and unless my husband was truly okay with it and we'd talked through all of the reason why such a gift wasn't actually inappropriately intimate. Maybe he would change my mind - I would give him the chance to.
If he persisted in his (what would seem to me) irrational prejudice against pan-giving, I wouldn't give the ex the pans at all.
I think the vibrator thing is weird, but it isn't the point. The point is that your boyfriend is dismissing your feelings. Guys who tell you to "get over it" when you tell them something they're doing makes you unhappy, without even the courtesy of a conversation about it, are imo candidates for singlehood.
posted by joannemerriam at 1:55 PM on June 6, 2006
If he persisted in his (what would seem to me) irrational prejudice against pan-giving, I wouldn't give the ex the pans at all.
I think the vibrator thing is weird, but it isn't the point. The point is that your boyfriend is dismissing your feelings. Guys who tell you to "get over it" when you tell them something they're doing makes you unhappy, without even the courtesy of a conversation about it, are imo candidates for singlehood.
posted by joannemerriam at 1:55 PM on June 6, 2006
My BF wants to by a vibrator for another woman. Is it strange for me to be upset by it?
Are you serious? No, it's not strange for you to feel that way. Most people would. And the people telling you to 'loosen up' speak for a very small percentage of people.
Since it bothers you, you're not part of that group. And yes, chances are your bf is just a little scary.
posted by justgary at 1:57 PM on June 6, 2006
Are you serious? No, it's not strange for you to feel that way. Most people would. And the people telling you to 'loosen up' speak for a very small percentage of people.
Since it bothers you, you're not part of that group. And yes, chances are your bf is just a little scary.
posted by justgary at 1:57 PM on June 6, 2006
Cribcage has it.
Er, except for that nonsequiter of a "bottom line."
posted by Methylviolet at 1:59 PM on June 6, 2006
Er, except for that nonsequiter of a "bottom line."
posted by Methylviolet at 1:59 PM on June 6, 2006
Cleverusername, you tell us how YOU would feel about it, you tell us how YOUR FRIEND would react to it, what you don't shed light on is whether or not you had another girlfriend at the time and how SHE felt about it. That is the issue here.
If I also had a girlfriend in the situation, and she was offended by it I would:
1. Be shocked and confused as to why my girlfriend is reacting this way.
2. Realize that my girlfriend must not fully understand the freedom of speech that I have with my friend.
3. Explain to my girlfriend about it and that it's nothing to be worried about even though it seems strange to my girlfriend.
I would expect my girlfried to be uncomfortable about it if this was the case, of course. If she still was reactionary, upset, or demanded that I withhold that gift, then I would excuse my current girlfriend and find an open-minded girlfriend.
posted by cleverusername at 2:00 PM on June 6, 2006
If I also had a girlfriend in the situation, and she was offended by it I would:
1. Be shocked and confused as to why my girlfriend is reacting this way.
2. Realize that my girlfriend must not fully understand the freedom of speech that I have with my friend.
3. Explain to my girlfriend about it and that it's nothing to be worried about even though it seems strange to my girlfriend.
I would expect my girlfried to be uncomfortable about it if this was the case, of course. If she still was reactionary, upset, or demanded that I withhold that gift, then I would excuse my current girlfriend and find an open-minded girlfriend.
posted by cleverusername at 2:00 PM on June 6, 2006
From your description, it sounds more like he's trying to play some cheap game — trying to indirectly stoke a sexual tension with his ex-girlfriend, and simultaneously trying to arouse your jealousy. There are lots of words to describe that, but the bottom line is that he's behaving like a woman.
Ummm.... I was thinking 'dickhead fratboy', myself.
posted by maryh at 2:02 PM on June 6, 2006
Ummm.... I was thinking 'dickhead fratboy', myself.
posted by maryh at 2:02 PM on June 6, 2006
Cleverusername is sort of right - I have some female friends like that. I'm single at the moment; if I was in a relationship, I would consider it unreasonable if my gf insisted I not talk to them, or not talk to them about sex. But if my gf was made uncomfortable by me buying one of them a vibrator, that's definitely the kind of thing where her wishes would override the other (platonic) relationship.
Not saying, BTW, that your BF is in a relationship like that, just saying that he's being a jackass even if he is.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 2:08 PM on June 6, 2006
Not saying, BTW, that your BF is in a relationship like that, just saying that he's being a jackass even if he is.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 2:08 PM on June 6, 2006
There are lots of words to describe that, but the bottom line is that he's behaving like a woman
WTF? Leaving aside the grotesque misogyny of the remark, evidently he is most decidedly not behaving like a woman, since the OP is a woman and plenty of us who've answered this quest are women, and none of us would behave this way.
I believe the word you were looking for is "asshole." Which perhaps on Planet Cribcage may or may not a typical synonym for "woman," but not really in common usage among the rest of us.
posted by scody at 2:15 PM on June 6, 2006
WTF? Leaving aside the grotesque misogyny of the remark, evidently he is most decidedly not behaving like a woman, since the OP is a woman and plenty of us who've answered this quest are women, and none of us would behave this way.
I believe the word you were looking for is "asshole." Which perhaps on Planet Cribcage may or may not a typical synonym for "woman," but not really in common usage among the rest of us.
posted by scody at 2:15 PM on June 6, 2006
Would it be just as weird if he was buying her a massaging foot bath or a back massager?
(this is not entirely a rhetorical question, but partly asked in order for you to think about whether it's ok to buy a friend something to help them relax)
posted by Kickstart70 at 2:24 PM on June 6, 2006
(this is not entirely a rhetorical question, but partly asked in order for you to think about whether it's ok to buy a friend something to help them relax)
posted by Kickstart70 at 2:24 PM on June 6, 2006
I think it's pretty silly for people to go around saying "well, I'm not a prude but this... this is just beyond the pale". That's basically what it comes down to.
Well, out here in the big wide world, that's how real people think. They are okay with some things, but not other things, in sexual contexts and in non-sexual contexts. I have no problem with sex toys, but I don't want a partner of mine to give them as gifts to anyone but me. I also like blue better than yellow, and I like dried figs, but not fresh ones. What are you going to do about it?
The really significant issue here is the simple matter of respect between partners. If you have an SO, and you start to do X, and your SO says 'I'd appreciate it if you didn't do X,' and the answer is 'That's interesting honey, let's talk about why that makes you uncomfortable,' then maybe you'll come to a better understanding of each other, and one of you will change their mind. If the answer is 'Get over it,' then your SO is showing a lack of interest in your feelings and your priorities.
posted by bingo at 2:37 PM on June 6, 2006
Well, out here in the big wide world, that's how real people think. They are okay with some things, but not other things, in sexual contexts and in non-sexual contexts. I have no problem with sex toys, but I don't want a partner of mine to give them as gifts to anyone but me. I also like blue better than yellow, and I like dried figs, but not fresh ones. What are you going to do about it?
The really significant issue here is the simple matter of respect between partners. If you have an SO, and you start to do X, and your SO says 'I'd appreciate it if you didn't do X,' and the answer is 'That's interesting honey, let's talk about why that makes you uncomfortable,' then maybe you'll come to a better understanding of each other, and one of you will change their mind. If the answer is 'Get over it,' then your SO is showing a lack of interest in your feelings and your priorities.
posted by bingo at 2:37 PM on June 6, 2006
What's with all the remarks about pans? Are you guys a bunch of deviant pansexuals?
posted by The Bellman at 2:44 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by The Bellman at 2:44 PM on June 6, 2006
Yeah, I think adamrice touches on a very good point. I don't get why everyone accepts the boyfriend's stated reason at face value. People lie about sex all the time. Especially to their significant others. Suppose the real reason he's doing this is that he used to fuck this woman and he wants to buy her a sex toy because there's still a sexual aspect to their relationship. Would you ever tell your girlfriend that if you didn't want her to dump you on the spot? No, you wouldn't.
So he makes up some bullshit story about how the ex is "cranky" and it's all a big joke, and god why are you being so uptight about this? It's a crock, and there's definitely more going on then he's saying.
posted by Gamblor at 2:44 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
So he makes up some bullshit story about how the ex is "cranky" and it's all a big joke, and god why are you being so uptight about this? It's a crock, and there's definitely more going on then he's saying.
posted by Gamblor at 2:44 PM on June 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
"asshole"...may or may not a typical synonym for "woman," but not really in common usage among the rest of us.
Synonym? No. The OP's boyfriend knows damn well he's disrespecting her; and in that respect, he's being an asshole.
He's also doing something else. As I said: From the OP's description, I chose to venture two guesses about her boyfriend's motivation. I think he wants to maintain some sort of sexual tension with his ex-girlfriend. But instead of simply propositioning her, he's sending her mixed signals: "Here's a vibrator, but I have a girlfriend." In other words, he's hoping she'll wink and start unbuttoning her blouse; but he's setting himself up to save face in case of rejection, so that he can look surprised and say, "You took it all wrong! I have a girlfriend."
On the other side, I think he's jerking around the OP. He knew goddamn well how she would feel about this. He wanted to make her jealous, because her jealousy makes him feel wanted and it gives him control. It's cheap, and it's manipulative — but mostly, it's incredibly insecure.
The OP asked specifically for a guy's perspective. You might not think the terms "douchebag" and "pussy" are misogynistic, but I'm answering her question from a guy's perspective. If her boyfriend told this story around any guys I know, he'd be met with disbelief and a reply along the lines of, "What are you, a fuckin' woman?"
posted by cribcage at 2:46 PM on June 6, 2006
Synonym? No. The OP's boyfriend knows damn well he's disrespecting her; and in that respect, he's being an asshole.
He's also doing something else. As I said: From the OP's description, I chose to venture two guesses about her boyfriend's motivation. I think he wants to maintain some sort of sexual tension with his ex-girlfriend. But instead of simply propositioning her, he's sending her mixed signals: "Here's a vibrator, but I have a girlfriend." In other words, he's hoping she'll wink and start unbuttoning her blouse; but he's setting himself up to save face in case of rejection, so that he can look surprised and say, "You took it all wrong! I have a girlfriend."
On the other side, I think he's jerking around the OP. He knew goddamn well how she would feel about this. He wanted to make her jealous, because her jealousy makes him feel wanted and it gives him control. It's cheap, and it's manipulative — but mostly, it's incredibly insecure.
The OP asked specifically for a guy's perspective. You might not think the terms "douchebag" and "pussy" are misogynistic, but I'm answering her question from a guy's perspective. If her boyfriend told this story around any guys I know, he'd be met with disbelief and a reply along the lines of, "What are you, a fuckin' woman?"
posted by cribcage at 2:46 PM on June 6, 2006
I'm sympathetic with many stances here. I've been in relationships were boundaries are loose, and I've been in ones where the boundaries are tight. I can imagine laughing the whole thing off, I can imagine being titillated by it, and I can imagine being jealous (or some combination of these feelings). I totally understand the "sex is no big deal" view, and I totally understand the "there are somethings that should be private" view.
What I CAN'T fathom is the "get over it" view.
I'm an atheist, but almost everyone I know is theistic on some level. If I went around saying, "God doesn't exist," and my friends got upset, I would never be shocked by their reactions. I am a stranger in a strange land. I am a rare atheist in a largely theistic world. That doesn't mean I'm wrong or inferior or crazy. It just means I'm different from MOST people. And I KNOW I'm different from most people. And it's unreasonable for me to expect everyone to share my views. Just on a practical level, that ain't gonna happen.
It might make sense for me to GENTLY prod for my individual rights. I should be able to -- sometimes -- speak my mind. But it's silly for me to say, "GET OVER IT" every time someone gets upset by my eccentric views.
So it's odd for me when extremely "liberally minded" people say things like, "Get over it." Or, "Oh, so you don't like bondage? How odd. Maybe you should think about that for a while." I HATE armchair psychology, but it's hard for me not to read such statements as passive aggressive. Surely these liberals KNOW that -- right or wrong -- most people don't share their feelings. Surely they KNOW they are putting others in a really awkward position. It seems like they are trying to turn the tables. Like they're trying to create an illusion -- through shear force of personality -- that THEIR view is the norm and that you are weird.
Sure, maybe having ANY sexual hangup means you're a prude. But no one likes being called a prude. And everyone KNOWS no one likes being called a prude. There is no way to say, "you're a prude" and have it taken as merely descriptive. It necessarily carries with it a value judgement. And I think we all know that. So the person who says -- or implies -- "you're a prude" KNOWS he's saying "you're a bad person."
It would be like me saying, "I don't judge religious people harshly. I say, 'Go ahead and give in to primitive superstition!" Come on! I'm saying, "you're stupid," and I know I'm saying that, and if that's what I mean, I should be man enough to come out and say it overtly.
"Free-minded" people ask like it's easy for the rest of us to overcome our feelings. If you grew up religious, it's super-hard -- maybe impossible -- to deny God. If you grew up in a typical American household, it's really hard -- maybe impossible --to overcome sexual norms. And the free-minded folks KNOW this, even if they've been somehow been spared certain associations. They MUST know the message that they're sending with "Get over it."
Finally, we all know that human sexuality is very complex. What's normal? We don't know. Scientists who study it don't know, so the rest of us don't know either. When people get sexually jealous, it's very possible that they are simply feeling the natural feeling of the human animal. Or maybe they've been brainwashed by a Victorian society. Who knows. It's all speculation.
So, nakedsushi, your boyfriend KNEW you were likely to get upset, because he comes from planet Earth. He's met enough other "prudish" Earthlings to know that it's likely you're one of them. If he pretends to be shocked now -- or if he expects you to just get over it -- I call "bullshit!"
Oh, and I suggest you "be a man enough" to own your "prudeness" (or lack of a 100% open mind or whatever we want to call it). People can make the tiniest taint of conservatism sound like a mortal sin, but we're all conservative in some way. So you have some hangups. So what? Hangups can be just as normal as anything else.
posted by grumblebee at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
What I CAN'T fathom is the "get over it" view.
I'm an atheist, but almost everyone I know is theistic on some level. If I went around saying, "God doesn't exist," and my friends got upset, I would never be shocked by their reactions. I am a stranger in a strange land. I am a rare atheist in a largely theistic world. That doesn't mean I'm wrong or inferior or crazy. It just means I'm different from MOST people. And I KNOW I'm different from most people. And it's unreasonable for me to expect everyone to share my views. Just on a practical level, that ain't gonna happen.
It might make sense for me to GENTLY prod for my individual rights. I should be able to -- sometimes -- speak my mind. But it's silly for me to say, "GET OVER IT" every time someone gets upset by my eccentric views.
So it's odd for me when extremely "liberally minded" people say things like, "Get over it." Or, "Oh, so you don't like bondage? How odd. Maybe you should think about that for a while." I HATE armchair psychology, but it's hard for me not to read such statements as passive aggressive. Surely these liberals KNOW that -- right or wrong -- most people don't share their feelings. Surely they KNOW they are putting others in a really awkward position. It seems like they are trying to turn the tables. Like they're trying to create an illusion -- through shear force of personality -- that THEIR view is the norm and that you are weird.
Sure, maybe having ANY sexual hangup means you're a prude. But no one likes being called a prude. And everyone KNOWS no one likes being called a prude. There is no way to say, "you're a prude" and have it taken as merely descriptive. It necessarily carries with it a value judgement. And I think we all know that. So the person who says -- or implies -- "you're a prude" KNOWS he's saying "you're a bad person."
It would be like me saying, "I don't judge religious people harshly. I say, 'Go ahead and give in to primitive superstition!" Come on! I'm saying, "you're stupid," and I know I'm saying that, and if that's what I mean, I should be man enough to come out and say it overtly.
"Free-minded" people ask like it's easy for the rest of us to overcome our feelings. If you grew up religious, it's super-hard -- maybe impossible -- to deny God. If you grew up in a typical American household, it's really hard -- maybe impossible --to overcome sexual norms. And the free-minded folks KNOW this, even if they've been somehow been spared certain associations. They MUST know the message that they're sending with "Get over it."
Finally, we all know that human sexuality is very complex. What's normal? We don't know. Scientists who study it don't know, so the rest of us don't know either. When people get sexually jealous, it's very possible that they are simply feeling the natural feeling of the human animal. Or maybe they've been brainwashed by a Victorian society. Who knows. It's all speculation.
So, nakedsushi, your boyfriend KNEW you were likely to get upset, because he comes from planet Earth. He's met enough other "prudish" Earthlings to know that it's likely you're one of them. If he pretends to be shocked now -- or if he expects you to just get over it -- I call "bullshit!"
Oh, and I suggest you "be a man enough" to own your "prudeness" (or lack of a 100% open mind or whatever we want to call it). People can make the tiniest taint of conservatism sound like a mortal sin, but we're all conservative in some way. So you have some hangups. So what? Hangups can be just as normal as anything else.
posted by grumblebee at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
The answer depends on the relationship you have with your boyfriend. Relationships are about establish a level of trust based on expectations.
Your BF is acting transgressive to the norms of most relationships. This is not about "OMG sex is bad", but what level and expression of sexual activity is expected in your relationship. He feels giving a sexual gift to an ex GF is ok, you don't.
There is a big divide there as many have pointed out. I can't say if your bf is a jerk/creepy/??? but I do think you should evaluate whether this is long term material you are dating.
This doesn't touch on the "get over it" issue, which is another kettle of fish.
move on, find someone you are more compatible with.
posted by edgeways at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2006
Your BF is acting transgressive to the norms of most relationships. This is not about "OMG sex is bad", but what level and expression of sexual activity is expected in your relationship. He feels giving a sexual gift to an ex GF is ok, you don't.
There is a big divide there as many have pointed out. I can't say if your bf is a jerk/creepy/??? but I do think you should evaluate whether this is long term material you are dating.
This doesn't touch on the "get over it" issue, which is another kettle of fish.
move on, find someone you are more compatible with.
posted by edgeways at 2:56 PM on June 6, 2006
I have a couple of exs I could imagine myself buying a vibrator for, and I have 0 desire to get back together (or sleep with) either of them. I wonder why everyone is worried about him not respecting your boundries while noone is questioning your not respecting his. The reason you are getting squicked out by him buying her a vibrator is jealousy. Why can't you respect that he has a few friends that he is still that close to? How much does being in a relationship with someone mean you have control over his platonic friendships?
posted by aspo at 3:37 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by aspo at 3:37 PM on June 6, 2006
You can also look at the bright side - at least he opened a dialogue with you before buying her anything.
Also consider how you approach the situation. It might come across as controlling, which could cause resentment down the road. Or, even worse, he'll start doing stuff without telling you.
I am friends with my ex, but I wouldn't be buying her any sex toys.
posted by drstein at 3:40 PM on June 6, 2006
Also consider how you approach the situation. It might come across as controlling, which could cause resentment down the road. Or, even worse, he'll start doing stuff without telling you.
I am friends with my ex, but I wouldn't be buying her any sex toys.
posted by drstein at 3:40 PM on June 6, 2006
I don't get why everyone accepts the boyfriend's stated reason at face value.
Because we are reading plain text on the internet. He may be a complete asshole, lots of answers here have made very convincing arguments that he is..
His reaction to intelligent attempts to address the issue at hand will tell more about his personality and intentions than all the convincing arguments in the world. If he insists on sabotaging all your constructive suggestions without any effort on his part at all, you know who he is.
Don't escalate. Do your best to resolve the conflict. Then judge him for who he is, not over an isolated incident.
posted by Chuckles at 3:47 PM on June 6, 2006
Because we are reading plain text on the internet. He may be a complete asshole, lots of answers here have made very convincing arguments that he is..
His reaction to intelligent attempts to address the issue at hand will tell more about his personality and intentions than all the convincing arguments in the world. If he insists on sabotaging all your constructive suggestions without any effort on his part at all, you know who he is.
Don't escalate. Do your best to resolve the conflict. Then judge him for who he is, not over an isolated incident.
posted by Chuckles at 3:47 PM on June 6, 2006
I think it's a great gift idea, especially if she wouldn't get one herself, and if it were me, I'd tend to consider the weird feelings about this kind of situation something I'd want to try and get over.
I think the fact that it's a big deal (and it is) reflects ingrained attitudes that I'd consider a "hangup" rather than something I want to keep going with.
And the reason I want to change my own attitude rather than that of others is that kinky shit is good for everyone.
posted by 31d1 at 3:53 PM on June 6, 2006
I think the fact that it's a big deal (and it is) reflects ingrained attitudes that I'd consider a "hangup" rather than something I want to keep going with.
And the reason I want to change my own attitude rather than that of others is that kinky shit is good for everyone.
posted by 31d1 at 3:53 PM on June 6, 2006
I'm with crowd that's saying this it's freaky, gross, and inappropriate for a guy to give an ex-girlfriend a vibrator while he's in a committed relationship with another woman.
You can be sexually cutting-edge and progressive and still think this is disturbing.
Frankly, I think outside the weird world of polyamory, the following principle should be taken as axiomatic: a person in a committed relationship with one person should not concern him- or herself with any other person's sexual pleasure.
posted by jayder at 4:26 PM on June 6, 2006
You can be sexually cutting-edge and progressive and still think this is disturbing.
Frankly, I think outside the weird world of polyamory, the following principle should be taken as axiomatic: a person in a committed relationship with one person should not concern him- or herself with any other person's sexual pleasure.
posted by jayder at 4:26 PM on June 6, 2006
a person in a committed relationship with one person should not concern him- or herself with any other person's sexual pleasure.
Well and concisely put. And I'll hasten to add: It's okay for some people to have a different philosophy, but if one partner holds this very common belief, and the other does not, it's a legitimate and serious issue, and worth a much more respectful answer than 'get over it.'
posted by bingo at 4:50 PM on June 6, 2006
Well and concisely put. And I'll hasten to add: It's okay for some people to have a different philosophy, but if one partner holds this very common belief, and the other does not, it's a legitimate and serious issue, and worth a much more respectful answer than 'get over it.'
posted by bingo at 4:50 PM on June 6, 2006
I'm going to address your question about whether or not you should feel upset about it. Of course you should, because they're your feelings. I think it's more important to ask why he won't acknowledge the importance of your feelings. Acknowledgement of how you feel is an opportunity to launch into a conversation and to reach an understanding. Asking you to get over it is a cop out from being an adult in an adult relationship.
posted by plinth at 5:49 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by plinth at 5:49 PM on June 6, 2006
and the BF seems to think she'll actually like the gift.
He wants to buy her one because he says she'd never buy one for herself.
Yeah, well, he's not very trustworthy with his opinions on what women think. Maybe she'd "never buy one for herself" because she doesn't want one. After all, you can buy sex toys all discrete-like now. Or maybe she already has one. Maybe in this hypothetical conversation they were having about her need to get off, she said something ambiguous in an attempt to change the subject from her masturbation habits.
posted by desuetude at 5:58 PM on June 6, 2006
He wants to buy her one because he says she'd never buy one for herself.
Yeah, well, he's not very trustworthy with his opinions on what women think. Maybe she'd "never buy one for herself" because she doesn't want one. After all, you can buy sex toys all discrete-like now. Or maybe she already has one. Maybe in this hypothetical conversation they were having about her need to get off, she said something ambiguous in an attempt to change the subject from her masturbation habits.
posted by desuetude at 5:58 PM on June 6, 2006
He's giving her a gift and you a message. Consider letting him know you got the message with something like: "I guess it's OK, sweetie-- I might soon need some help like that myself!"
posted by jamjam at 6:03 PM on June 6, 2006
posted by jamjam at 6:03 PM on June 6, 2006
1. Is it a strange thing for your boyfriend to consider doing? I don't think so. Guys think about a lot of things.
2. Is it a strange thing for your boyfriend to actually do? I think it is quite strange.
3. Is it wrong for you to be upset by it? I don't know.
4. Is it wrong for your boyfriend to dismiss you when you told him you were upset by it? Yes. He should respect your feelings on this matter. If it's really so important for him to buy sex toys for his friend that he'll ignore your feelings, that's a really bad sign for your relationship.
However, all this said, it's entirely possible that you didn't express yourself well when he first brought this up, and that you've now built a mountain out of his mole hill.
posted by The Monkey at 6:03 PM on June 6, 2006
2. Is it a strange thing for your boyfriend to actually do? I think it is quite strange.
3. Is it wrong for you to be upset by it? I don't know.
4. Is it wrong for your boyfriend to dismiss you when you told him you were upset by it? Yes. He should respect your feelings on this matter. If it's really so important for him to buy sex toys for his friend that he'll ignore your feelings, that's a really bad sign for your relationship.
However, all this said, it's entirely possible that you didn't express yourself well when he first brought this up, and that you've now built a mountain out of his mole hill.
posted by The Monkey at 6:03 PM on June 6, 2006
I read your question aloud for my wife. Her response:
"Yes, dumbass"
'nuff said.
posted by jimmy0x52 at 7:02 PM on June 6, 2006
"Yes, dumbass"
'nuff said.
posted by jimmy0x52 at 7:02 PM on June 6, 2006
A sex toy is a personal and intimate thing, much more so than cookware. It's kind of obnoxious to think that a cranky woman just needs a sex toy. She's a grownup; if she needs a sex toy, they're not difficult to get, and they come in a variety of prices. And it's again very personal and intimate to be so familiar with someone's sexual status - gettin any, not gettin any, usin the battery operated boyfriend... So it makes you uncomfortable, and he gives you crap because it makes you uncomfortable.
I don't think it's very prudish, but if it was, so what? Most of us have some sort of personal boundaries. BF doesn't respect hers very much
posted by theora55 at 7:04 PM on June 6, 2006
I don't think it's very prudish, but if it was, so what? Most of us have some sort of personal boundaries. BF doesn't respect hers very much
posted by theora55 at 7:04 PM on June 6, 2006
If you're not comfortable with that, then it's your own sexual hangup -- and one that's shared by a lot of people -- but that doesn't make it any more right and true.
Or any more wrong, either. The attitude displayed by nakedsushi is common enough to be considered "normal" and what's wrong with that? Adults are free to feel however they want towards sexuality and to not be judged as odd because of this attitude. This is something that pisses me off about people with so-called "progressive" attitudes towards sex - they are often simply the other end of the same spectrum that has people who consider sex a very private act only to be conducted between two consenting adults of different genders on one end. Preaching enlightenment about hangups while saying that your particular way of viewing sex is the only right view is kind of a hang-up in itself.
posted by dg at 8:39 PM on June 6, 2006
Or any more wrong, either. The attitude displayed by nakedsushi is common enough to be considered "normal" and what's wrong with that? Adults are free to feel however they want towards sexuality and to not be judged as odd because of this attitude. This is something that pisses me off about people with so-called "progressive" attitudes towards sex - they are often simply the other end of the same spectrum that has people who consider sex a very private act only to be conducted between two consenting adults of different genders on one end. Preaching enlightenment about hangups while saying that your particular way of viewing sex is the only right view is kind of a hang-up in itself.
posted by dg at 8:39 PM on June 6, 2006
Ditto Mr. Six's question. It occurs to me that I have an ex-boyfriend who strongly believes in open relationships, polyamory, etc., who would likely do something like buying a vibrator for an ex or talking to an ex about sexuality even when in a relationship. And he would likely get upset if his new girlfriend questioned this action.
But he would also most likely be up-front about his preference with any potential girlfriend. Along those lines, even if the answer to Mr. Six's question is yes, there's a problem here if the BF is polyamorous or pansexual or whatever and didn't disclose this to the OP.
Now, I always thought it was a bit "screwed up" and "unreasonable" on the part of my ex to expect me to accept his overtures and continual need to talk about sex even when I had moved on and was in a new, committed relationship—but perhaps this self-professed sexually liberal Mefite is secretly a hotbed of hangups. ;)
posted by limeonaire at 1:09 AM on June 7, 2006
But he would also most likely be up-front about his preference with any potential girlfriend. Along those lines, even if the answer to Mr. Six's question is yes, there's a problem here if the BF is polyamorous or pansexual or whatever and didn't disclose this to the OP.
Now, I always thought it was a bit "screwed up" and "unreasonable" on the part of my ex to expect me to accept his overtures and continual need to talk about sex even when I had moved on and was in a new, committed relationship—but perhaps this self-professed sexually liberal Mefite is secretly a hotbed of hangups. ;)
posted by limeonaire at 1:09 AM on June 7, 2006
it depends.
does he flirt with her? -its wrong. And his suggestion that you get over it was insensitive.
are they honestly just friends? -get over it. And his suggestion that you get over it was reasonable.
ive given sex toys to friends before. Ive recieved sex toys from friends before. My quasi-ex and her boyfriend were going to buy me a novelty horse cock dildo for christmas last year but decided the money could be spent better. I told the current gf and she laughed. ...but then im completely over her and she is completely over me.
Like i said, it depends.
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 2:00 AM on June 7, 2006
does he flirt with her? -its wrong. And his suggestion that you get over it was insensitive.
are they honestly just friends? -get over it. And his suggestion that you get over it was reasonable.
ive given sex toys to friends before. Ive recieved sex toys from friends before. My quasi-ex and her boyfriend were going to buy me a novelty horse cock dildo for christmas last year but decided the money could be spent better. I told the current gf and she laughed. ...but then im completely over her and she is completely over me.
Like i said, it depends.
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 2:00 AM on June 7, 2006
Response by poster: Mr Six: No, he's not polyamorous and he was actually the one who wanted to be exclusive when we first started dating.
Tryptophan, sorry, I'm all out.
posted by nakedsushi at 10:10 AM on June 7, 2006
Tryptophan, sorry, I'm all out.
posted by nakedsushi at 10:10 AM on June 7, 2006
I would add that, while you're getting plenty of replies telling you that it's reasonable for your steady boyfriend to give sex toys to his ex-girlfriend ("because sometimes, a vibrator is just a vibrator"), you should remember who you're asking. MetaFilter has a very specific, very skewed demographic. Browse some of the political or sexuality-related threads and judge for yourself.
posted by cribcage at 11:19 AM on June 7, 2006
posted by cribcage at 11:19 AM on June 7, 2006
Mr Six: No, he's not polyamorous and he was actually the one who wanted to be exclusive when we first started dating.
If he was polyamorous and said so from the start, it might be a different story, but if it was me, I'd drop his ass like a hot potato, because I'd consider this a pretty clear violation of the relationship's terms, and your trust.
posted by Mr. Six at 11:49 AM on June 7, 2006
If he was polyamorous and said so from the start, it might be a different story, but if it was me, I'd drop his ass like a hot potato, because I'd consider this a pretty clear violation of the relationship's terms, and your trust.
posted by Mr. Six at 11:49 AM on June 7, 2006
So, nakedsushi, your boyfriend KNEW you were likely to get upset, because he comes from planet Earth. He's met enough other "prudish" Earthlings to know that it's likely you're one of them.
I think that's an overstatement, but he knows her and likely her boundaries, though in fairness I wonder if he's just fallen a little onto one side of a line when he expected to be on the other - after all, nakedsushi said "I myself have a vibrator, so there's no taboo about it. I wouldn't think twice about buying any of my close girl friend's a vibrator, but I still think it's odd for a man who's in a committed relatioship with one girl to buy a vibrator for another. I would buy this girl a vibrator but I don't really know her well enough for that and I think she would think it was a bit weird." Given that and extrapolating a little I can imagine he might have thought she'd be okay with it.
To answer the question at hand, as others have done, "is it weird to be bothered by it?" Not at all. Many people would.
Stop discussing what's appropriate for him or her to feel comfortable with, though. Their friendship is their friendship and what they are or are not weirded out by is not your business and talking about it detracts from the real issue. What's pertinent to your relationship is his actions and your feelings and he should respect you in word and deed.
The only reason (on the face of this based on the fact as we know them, rather than wild speculation independent of everything you have told us) I can see him pushing this is if he feels like you're not respecting his attitudes and friendship with her. Perhaps he sees the resistance as a sign of a lack of trust, given your statements that you'd be okay with it as a female to female gift?
Stop worrying about what it's okay or not okay to feel. Concentrate on communicating with your significant other and whether you're showing each other respect - relationships are not TRUE/FALSE tests.
posted by phearlez at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2006
I think that's an overstatement, but he knows her and likely her boundaries, though in fairness I wonder if he's just fallen a little onto one side of a line when he expected to be on the other - after all, nakedsushi said "I myself have a vibrator, so there's no taboo about it. I wouldn't think twice about buying any of my close girl friend's a vibrator, but I still think it's odd for a man who's in a committed relatioship with one girl to buy a vibrator for another. I would buy this girl a vibrator but I don't really know her well enough for that and I think she would think it was a bit weird." Given that and extrapolating a little I can imagine he might have thought she'd be okay with it.
To answer the question at hand, as others have done, "is it weird to be bothered by it?" Not at all. Many people would.
Stop discussing what's appropriate for him or her to feel comfortable with, though. Their friendship is their friendship and what they are or are not weirded out by is not your business and talking about it detracts from the real issue. What's pertinent to your relationship is his actions and your feelings and he should respect you in word and deed.
The only reason (on the face of this based on the fact as we know them, rather than wild speculation independent of everything you have told us) I can see him pushing this is if he feels like you're not respecting his attitudes and friendship with her. Perhaps he sees the resistance as a sign of a lack of trust, given your statements that you'd be okay with it as a female to female gift?
Stop worrying about what it's okay or not okay to feel. Concentrate on communicating with your significant other and whether you're showing each other respect - relationships are not TRUE/FALSE tests.
posted by phearlez at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
For the record, I would be mad as hell if my boyfriend wanted to buy another woman a vibrator, especially a quasi-ex.
posted by necessitas at 11:35 AM on June 6, 2006