What's the funniest joke that doesn't involve making fun of anyone?
March 20, 2006 7:03 AM Subscribe
What's the funniest joke that doesn't involve making fun of anyone?
British scientists claim this joke about hunters is the funniest non-offensive joke, but it's arguably making fun of hunters. So what's the funniest joke that's completely pure and innocent? It doesn't necessarily have to be non-offensive - just not offensive towards any specific person or group of people.
Jokes that have a protagonist doing stupid things are excluded. Sex jokes generally exclude themselves, not for being offensive in a prude-baiting way, but because they tend to tacitly make fun of men or women. Most others are excluded along similar lines. So no Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen, no Poles, no blondes, no lawyers, no politicians, and no Brazillions! Is there anything left?
British scientists claim this joke about hunters is the funniest non-offensive joke, but it's arguably making fun of hunters. So what's the funniest joke that's completely pure and innocent? It doesn't necessarily have to be non-offensive - just not offensive towards any specific person or group of people.
Jokes that have a protagonist doing stupid things are excluded. Sex jokes generally exclude themselves, not for being offensive in a prude-baiting way, but because they tend to tacitly make fun of men or women. Most others are excluded along similar lines. So no Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen, no Poles, no blondes, no lawyers, no politicians, and no Brazillions! Is there anything left?
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
It's not the best joke... but I've always found it easy to remember.
posted by machinecraig at 7:13 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A: Because it was dead.
It's not the best joke... but I've always found it easy to remember.
posted by machinecraig at 7:13 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Oh... and I forgot my favorite:
Q: So, a ghost went out and bought a house. What was the very next thing he had to buy?
A: Homemoaners Insurance.
posted by machinecraig at 7:15 AM on March 20, 2006
Q: So, a ghost went out and bought a house. What was the very next thing he had to buy?
A: Homemoaners Insurance.
posted by machinecraig at 7:15 AM on March 20, 2006
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. Chocolate cake.
posted by fire&wings at 7:17 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A. Chocolate cake.
posted by fire&wings at 7:17 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
My six year old's joke:
Why did the octopus cross the road?
Because it was nailed to the chicken.
posted by unSane at 7:17 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Why did the octopus cross the road?
Because it was nailed to the chicken.
posted by unSane at 7:17 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Arguably, this is making fun of numbers less than 10, though.
posted by jozxyqk at 7:19 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Because 7 8 9.
Arguably, this is making fun of numbers less than 10, though.
posted by jozxyqk at 7:19 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A man goes into a psychiatrist's office, dressed only in clingfilm.
The psychiatrist says
well I can clearly see you're nuts.
(although that could be said to be making fun of the mad, the fun is being poked at the behaviour rather than the person so maybe it's OK).
There's a whole family of knock-knock jokes that aren't offensive to anyone - my pre-teen favourites were:
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Lucy
Lucy who?
Lucy Lastic makes your knickers fall down
(HA HA HA HA HA I used to think that one was SO funny).
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Dr
Dr who?
HA HA HA HA HA HA you said it already
The whole "what do you call an X with a Y on their head? Z" family are similarly juvenile and mostly inoffensive.
X=man
Y=seagull
Z=cliff
X=nun
Y=washing machine
Z=sister-matic
for example.
posted by handee at 7:20 AM on March 20, 2006
The psychiatrist says
well I can clearly see you're nuts.
(although that could be said to be making fun of the mad, the fun is being poked at the behaviour rather than the person so maybe it's OK).
There's a whole family of knock-knock jokes that aren't offensive to anyone - my pre-teen favourites were:
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Lucy
Lucy who?
Lucy Lastic makes your knickers fall down
(HA HA HA HA HA I used to think that one was SO funny).
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Dr
Dr who?
HA HA HA HA HA HA you said it already
The whole "what do you call an X with a Y on their head? Z" family are similarly juvenile and mostly inoffensive.
X=man
Y=seagull
Z=cliff
X=nun
Y=washing machine
Z=sister-matic
for example.
posted by handee at 7:20 AM on March 20, 2006
Here's my Fav:
There's a tray of muffin tins in an oven being baked. One muffin turns to another and says, "Man, it's really getting hot in here." se second muffin responds, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
posted by piratebowling at 7:23 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
There's a tray of muffin tins in an oven being baked. One muffin turns to another and says, "Man, it's really getting hot in here." se second muffin responds, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
posted by piratebowling at 7:23 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
One of my old favorites....
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey pirate, why have you got that steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
And I like this one for its sort of unexpected non-offensiveness:
Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:27 AM on March 20, 2006 [5 favorites]
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey pirate, why have you got that steering wheel in your crotch?" The pirate says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
And I like this one for its sort of unexpected non-offensiveness:
Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:27 AM on March 20, 2006 [5 favorites]
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Easy, unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupti-
MOO
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:30 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A: Easy, unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupti-
MOO
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:30 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
(I'm guessing you'll get lots of meta-jokes here — jokes that make fun of other jokes, rather than people. "What's brown and sticky" is mocking gross-out humor, for instance. unSane's chicken joke is mocking all the other chicken jokes we've heard. And piratebowling's muffin joke — one of my favorites, BTW — mocks the ridiculous joke-telling convention that animals and boats and bits of string can talk.
You'll also probably get a lot of puns. Some people think puns are funny. Go figure.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:31 AM on March 20, 2006
You'll also probably get a lot of puns. Some people think puns are funny. Go figure.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:31 AM on March 20, 2006
A grasshopper walks into a bar. Hops up on a barstool, orders a beer. Bartender says, "Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you. Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Murray?"
posted by PlusDistance at 7:33 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by PlusDistance at 7:33 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A neutron walks into a bar. The barkeep says "For you, no charge!"
What's new? C over lambda!
My dog has no nose! How does he smell? Awful!
There were two peanuts walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted! peanut.
Or to answer your question more broadly, puns and other language games.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:33 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What's new? C over lambda!
My dog has no nose! How does he smell? Awful!
There were two peanuts walking down the street, and one of them was assaulted! peanut.
Or to answer your question more broadly, puns and other language games.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:33 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It doesn't necessarily have to be non-offensive - just not offensive towards any specific person or group of people.
What's the worst part about sex with a four-year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown costume.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:41 AM on March 20, 2006
What's the worst part about sex with a four-year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown costume.
posted by Mayor Curley at 7:41 AM on March 20, 2006
Oh, how I loves me some MeFi joke threads.
I'll help with the greatest pun evar:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
*cough*
posted by quite unimportant at 7:47 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
I'll help with the greatest pun evar:
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
*cough*
posted by quite unimportant at 7:47 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:55 AM on March 20, 2006
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:55 AM on March 20, 2006
On the pun joke front, here are two more
Mary poppins, in a restaurant, eats all the main course but not the side:
"Super cauliflower cheese, eggs are fucking 'trocious".
Restaurant setting, again, with fresh squid in a tank, a kitchen-boy called Hans, and a maitre d' called Gervais. One of the squid never gets chosen as it is slightly green, has a bit of a moustache, and is shy so it lurks at the bottom of the tank. When finally picked, neither the maitre d' nor the kitchen boy can bring themselves to kill what has become their favourite squid:
"Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green furry lipped squid".
posted by handee at 7:55 AM on March 20, 2006
Mary poppins, in a restaurant, eats all the main course but not the side:
"Super cauliflower cheese, eggs are fucking 'trocious".
Restaurant setting, again, with fresh squid in a tank, a kitchen-boy called Hans, and a maitre d' called Gervais. One of the squid never gets chosen as it is slightly green, has a bit of a moustache, and is shy so it lurks at the bottom of the tank. When finally picked, neither the maitre d' nor the kitchen boy can bring themselves to kill what has become their favourite squid:
"Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green furry lipped squid".
posted by handee at 7:55 AM on March 20, 2006
A shaggy dog story (or shaggy horse story):
A big horse and a little horse lived together in a pasture. Every day, they would race around the field near the fence lines, and the big horse always won. So one day, the little horse said, "I don't want to race anymore, because you always win." "Suit yourself," said the big horse. But, the little horse started getting up early in the morning to exercise. He lifted weights, did pushups, ran sprints, and so forth. Finally, he decided he was in good enough shape to beat the big horse. "Tomorrow morning, let's race around the pasture again like we used to," he said to the big horse. And so, they did. For three quarters of the race, the little horse was slightly ahead, and in the home stretch he started to pull even farther in front. But just before the finish line, the big horse just increased the length of his strides and won by half a length. The little horse, severely disappointed, went off to sulk. Later that day, a chicken on the other side of the fence spoke to the big horse: "Why did you have to do that? You know the little horse has been working out for weeks to get strong enough to beat you. You could have let him win, just this once, couldn't you?" The big horse looked at the chicken and said, "I didn't know chickens could talk."
posted by beagle at 7:56 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
A big horse and a little horse lived together in a pasture. Every day, they would race around the field near the fence lines, and the big horse always won. So one day, the little horse said, "I don't want to race anymore, because you always win." "Suit yourself," said the big horse. But, the little horse started getting up early in the morning to exercise. He lifted weights, did pushups, ran sprints, and so forth. Finally, he decided he was in good enough shape to beat the big horse. "Tomorrow morning, let's race around the pasture again like we used to," he said to the big horse. And so, they did. For three quarters of the race, the little horse was slightly ahead, and in the home stretch he started to pull even farther in front. But just before the finish line, the big horse just increased the length of his strides and won by half a length. The little horse, severely disappointed, went off to sulk. Later that day, a chicken on the other side of the fence spoke to the big horse: "Why did you have to do that? You know the little horse has been working out for weeks to get strong enough to beat you. You could have let him win, just this once, couldn't you?" The big horse looked at the chicken and said, "I didn't know chickens could talk."
posted by beagle at 7:56 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My favourite joke (well, previous favourite, I have a new one thanks to ludwig_van):
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
Not really making fun of clowns, or cannibals, really. Just good funny.
posted by antifuse at 7:57 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
Not really making fun of clowns, or cannibals, really. Just good funny.
posted by antifuse at 7:57 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's really hot in here!". The other sausage jumps up and says, "AHHHH! A talking sausage!".
posted by defreckled at 8:00 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by defreckled at 8:00 AM on March 20, 2006
Best answer: Knock knock?
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co—
Now you say "control freak who?"
I'm partial to dead baby jokes, but perhaps you think they're at the expense of dead babies. Some all-time favorites:
What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?
A dead baby nailed to a puppy.
The latter is my wife's all-time favorite joke.
All of these are courtesy previous AskMe joke threads, I think. (As is my favorite: the one about the three religious leaders trapped in a burning orphanage.)
posted by jdroth at 8:01 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co—
Now you say "control freak who?"
I'm partial to dead baby jokes, but perhaps you think they're at the expense of dead babies. Some all-time favorites:
What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?
A dead baby nailed to a puppy.
The latter is my wife's all-time favorite joke.
All of these are courtesy previous AskMe joke threads, I think. (As is my favorite: the one about the three religious leaders trapped in a burning orphanage.)
posted by jdroth at 8:01 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
If selling babies for profit is wrong, I don't want to be right.
/theft
posted by public at 8:04 AM on March 20, 2006
/theft
posted by public at 8:04 AM on March 20, 2006
Wait, is that offensive to babies? To people who like babies? To people who actually do sell babies?
posted by public at 8:05 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by public at 8:05 AM on March 20, 2006
Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone!
What was the question again?
posted by TonyRobots at 8:07 AM on March 20, 2006
What was the question again?
posted by TonyRobots at 8:07 AM on March 20, 2006
My sister has a unique perspective. She thinks the members of my family are former world leaders reporting for the newsmedia. She thinks my mother is Hitler working for the Post. According to her, my father is Mussolini writing for the Globe. Me? I'm Stalin, for Time.
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:07 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by vanoakenfold at 8:07 AM on March 20, 2006
What's the difference between a termite and a refrigerator?
One eats the houses and the other houses the eats.
posted by crunchland at 8:17 AM on March 20, 2006
One eats the houses and the other houses the eats.
posted by crunchland at 8:17 AM on March 20, 2006
The Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson joke that came in second in some "funnist joke ever" contest is fairly funny and doesn't make fun of any group (other than, perhaps literalists and/or doctors and scientists depending on how you read it):
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
posted by skynxnex at 8:22 AM on March 20, 2006 [4 favorites]
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
posted by skynxnex at 8:22 AM on March 20, 2006 [4 favorites]
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" is a timeless classic.
posted by raddevon at 8:27 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by raddevon at 8:27 AM on March 20, 2006
Ricky Gervais tells this one in an episode of Extras, and had me in stitches:
Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Little legs.
Other favourites:
Q: Why don't the French ever eat two eggs?
A: Because to them, one egg is un oeuf.
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dacshund?
A: He wanted to get a long, litle doggy.
posted by Robot Johnny at 8:30 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Little legs.
Other favourites:
Q: Why don't the French ever eat two eggs?
A: Because to them, one egg is un oeuf.
Q: Why did the cowboy buy a dacshund?
A: He wanted to get a long, litle doggy.
posted by Robot Johnny at 8:30 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" is a timeless classic.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because it's a timeless classic.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:42 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because it's a timeless classic.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:42 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
A: Eliphino (Say it out loud.)
posted by fuzzbean at 8:47 AM on March 20, 2006
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
A: Eliphino (Say it out loud.)
posted by fuzzbean at 8:47 AM on March 20, 2006
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
Although that may be offensive to whores.
posted by jontyjago at 8:57 AM on March 20, 2006
Don't pay her.
Although that may be offensive to whores.
posted by jontyjago at 8:57 AM on March 20, 2006
Q: What has eight legs and eats ants?
A: Four uncles
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:59 AM on March 20, 2006
A: Four uncles
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 8:59 AM on March 20, 2006
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
It was charged with battery.
posted by brain_drain at 9:02 AM on March 20, 2006
It was charged with battery.
posted by brain_drain at 9:02 AM on March 20, 2006
I'm partial to the odd ones:
There are two penguins in a bathtub. The first penguin looks at the second and says, “Hey! Will you hand me the soap?”
The second penguin replies, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”
My bf, who works with children (and is much funnier than I am) has quite a collection of inoffensive jokes. A few of his favorites:
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Buck an ear.
and
Why does an elephant wear red sneakers?
So he can hide in a cherry tree.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Then it works, doesn't it?
(possibly offensive to penguins, pirates and cherry trees or elephants, I suppose)
posted by sarahmelah at 9:05 AM on March 20, 2006
There are two penguins in a bathtub. The first penguin looks at the second and says, “Hey! Will you hand me the soap?”
The second penguin replies, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”
My bf, who works with children (and is much funnier than I am) has quite a collection of inoffensive jokes. A few of his favorites:
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
Buck an ear.
and
Why does an elephant wear red sneakers?
So he can hide in a cherry tree.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No?
Then it works, doesn't it?
(possibly offensive to penguins, pirates and cherry trees or elephants, I suppose)
posted by sarahmelah at 9:05 AM on March 20, 2006
Best answer: Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: NACHO CHEESE!!!
posted by chuma at 9:06 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
A: NACHO CHEESE!!!
posted by chuma at 9:06 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
I always felt the dead frog jokes were better than the dead baby jokes...
What's green & red and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender
How did the frog cross the road?
It was sewn to the chicken
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octpus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand....
posted by UncleHornHead at 9:13 AM on March 20, 2006
What's green & red and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender
How did the frog cross the road?
It was sewn to the chicken
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octpus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand....
posted by UncleHornHead at 9:13 AM on March 20, 2006
A considerate skeleton walks into a bar and says:
"Bartender, I'll have a beer... and a mop"
posted by ernie at 9:17 AM on March 20, 2006
"Bartender, I'll have a beer... and a mop"
posted by ernie at 9:17 AM on March 20, 2006
What's orange and rolls around on the ground?
A wounded Cheezie.
posted by acoutu at 9:19 AM on March 20, 2006
A wounded Cheezie.
posted by acoutu at 9:19 AM on March 20, 2006
sarahmelah writes "Why does an elephant wear red sneakers?"
Ah, elephant jokes. My favourite:
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
posted by Mitheral at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Ah, elephant jokes. My favourite:
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
posted by Mitheral at 9:29 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted!
posted by kimota at 9:30 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by kimota at 9:30 AM on March 20, 2006
DID you know Whoopi Goldberg is marrying the French actor Gerard Depardieu?
She's going to be called Whoopi Depardieu.
posted by seanyboy at 9:30 AM on March 20, 2006
She's going to be called Whoopi Depardieu.
posted by seanyboy at 9:30 AM on March 20, 2006
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo it could be done.
And, from a blog I read yesterday:
Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
posted by konolia at 9:38 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
To show the armadillo it could be done.
And, from a blog I read yesterday:
Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.
posted by konolia at 9:38 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Two atoms are sitting at a bar.
Atom 1: "Hey! I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:39 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Atom 1: "Hey! I think I lost an electron."
Atom 2: "Are you sure?"
Atom 1: "I'm positive."
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:39 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:40 AM on March 20, 2006
A stick.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:40 AM on March 20, 2006
The Starship Enterprise crashes and there are no survivors. Starfleet sends a team onboard to find out what happened to the ship. While there, the team investigates all possible areas-- Ten Forward, crew quarters, Jeffries Tubes...finally they get to the bridge.
They examine the Bridge, no clues.
They examine each station on the Bridge-- nada.
They wander into the captains quarters. Nothing.
Finally they get to the captain's bathroom and what do you think they find?
The Captain's Log.
/possibly offensive toTrekkies...Trekkers.
posted by oflinkey at 9:40 AM on March 20, 2006
They examine the Bridge, no clues.
They examine each station on the Bridge-- nada.
They wander into the captains quarters. Nothing.
Finally they get to the captain's bathroom and what do you think they find?
The Captain's Log.
/possibly offensive to
posted by oflinkey at 9:40 AM on March 20, 2006
My friend recently recorded two jokes that I think meet your criteria. The clown joke, and the aristocrats.(Warning: Mono audio file, that gets loud at the end of the first joke, and probably some slightly NSFW advertising on the page, and language in the jokes.)
posted by JackarypQQ at 9:48 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by JackarypQQ at 9:48 AM on March 20, 2006
my favorite joke.
"Hey I've got a great knock-knock joke."
"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."
"Ok. You start it."
"Ok. Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
...
"Oh. I see."
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:50 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
"Hey I've got a great knock-knock joke."
"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."
"Ok. You start it."
"Ok. Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
...
"Oh. I see."
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:50 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
and...
Three ropes are standing outside a bar with a sign above the door that reads, "NO ROPES ALLOWED."
The ropes are indignant.
"Fuck this!" says the first rope as he heads into the bar. He walks up to the counter and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him.
"Are you a rope?"
"Damn skippy I'm a rope!"
The bar tender grabs the rope and throws it out the door.
The second rope sees this and gets uppity. "Can't stop me from drinking in that bar!"
So the second rope heads into the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender studies him.
"Heeyyy... you're a rope, too!"
"Yeah that's right I'm a rope!"
The bar tenders chucks the second rope out onto the street.
The third rope witnesses this and decides to be clever.
"Watch this, fellas!" he entreats his pals.
The third rope ties himself in a knot and messes up one of his ends.
He then walks into the bar, up to the counter and orders a shot of tequila.
The bar tender looks at him.
"Waitaminute... are you a rope?"
"NOPE! I'm a frayed knot!"
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:56 AM on March 20, 2006
Three ropes are standing outside a bar with a sign above the door that reads, "NO ROPES ALLOWED."
The ropes are indignant.
"Fuck this!" says the first rope as he heads into the bar. He walks up to the counter and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him.
"Are you a rope?"
"Damn skippy I'm a rope!"
The bar tender grabs the rope and throws it out the door.
The second rope sees this and gets uppity. "Can't stop me from drinking in that bar!"
So the second rope heads into the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender studies him.
"Heeyyy... you're a rope, too!"
"Yeah that's right I'm a rope!"
The bar tenders chucks the second rope out onto the street.
The third rope witnesses this and decides to be clever.
"Watch this, fellas!" he entreats his pals.
The third rope ties himself in a knot and messes up one of his ends.
He then walks into the bar, up to the counter and orders a shot of tequila.
The bar tender looks at him.
"Waitaminute... are you a rope?"
"NOPE! I'm a frayed knot!"
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:56 AM on March 20, 2006
Two saugages are frying in a pan.
One says, "Boy, it sure is getting hot in here.'
The other says, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:11 AM on March 20, 2006
One says, "Boy, it sure is getting hot in here.'
The other says, "HOLY CRAP, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:11 AM on March 20, 2006
A follow-up to this one:
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A Slipper!
(also my penis)
posted by nomad at 10:15 AM on March 20, 2006
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A Slipper!
(also my penis)
posted by nomad at 10:15 AM on March 20, 2006
Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "By the way, aren't you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."
(Offensive only to... mad cows? The sensitive part of their spongy brains rots first though, so i think this one still counts.)
posted by xanthippe at 10:16 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
The second cow replies, "I don't give a shit - I'm a helicopter."
(Offensive only to... mad cows? The sensitive part of their spongy brains rots first though, so i think this one still counts.)
posted by xanthippe at 10:16 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This isn't an answer to your question, but rather an indictment of it: it is impossible to have a joke that does not make fun of someone. All humor is derived from pain; somebody's getting hurt.
Even in the most apparently benign jokes above, somebody is the butt. If the joke doesn't explicitly name someone to receive the pain, it's either making fun of the teller or the listener for having some set of expectations--and being wrong.
posted by Netzapper at 10:19 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Even in the most apparently benign jokes above, somebody is the butt. If the joke doesn't explicitly name someone to receive the pain, it's either making fun of the teller or the listener for having some set of expectations--and being wrong.
posted by Netzapper at 10:19 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Another dead baby joke:
Q: How do you fit 200 dead babies in the trunk of a car?
A: A blender.
posted by joegester at 10:21 AM on March 20, 2006
Q: How do you fit 200 dead babies in the trunk of a car?
A: A blender.
posted by joegester at 10:21 AM on March 20, 2006
A pair of foodstuff items are in cooker of some sort
One of the foodstuffs remarks to the other about the acute temperature rise, perhaps alluding to the cooking process, but also perhaps remarking on the environment in general (in telling, try a calm, casual non-chalant devil-may-care tone)
The other other food item, up to now quite mute, reacts to the declaration made by the first item/actor by being starteled by the fact it could, in fact, speak at all. It does so by speaking itself!
posted by ernie at 10:21 AM on March 20, 2006 [6 favorites]
One of the foodstuffs remarks to the other about the acute temperature rise, perhaps alluding to the cooking process, but also perhaps remarking on the environment in general (in telling, try a calm, casual non-chalant devil-may-care tone)
The other other food item, up to now quite mute, reacts to the declaration made by the first item/actor by being starteled by the fact it could, in fact, speak at all. It does so by speaking itself!
posted by ernie at 10:21 AM on March 20, 2006 [6 favorites]
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be baygulls! (Bagels, get it?)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!
How does Snoop get his laundry so clean?
Bleeotch!
posted by inigo2 at 10:27 AM on March 20, 2006
Because then they'd be baygulls! (Bagels, get it?)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!
How does Snoop get his laundry so clean?
Bleeotch!
posted by inigo2 at 10:27 AM on March 20, 2006
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin? Blowjob
posted by DrtyBlvd at 10:28 AM on March 20, 2006
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on a chin? Blowjob
posted by DrtyBlvd at 10:28 AM on March 20, 2006
How do you fit an elephant in a shopping cart?
You take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way.
posted by purplefiber at 10:36 AM on March 20, 2006
You take the S out of Safe and the F out of Way.
posted by purplefiber at 10:36 AM on March 20, 2006
Best answer: A joke overheard from an 8-year old:
A duck walks into a drug store and says to the sales clerk, "I need some Chapstick - just put it on my bill."
I like it.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:40 AM on March 20, 2006
A duck walks into a drug store and says to the sales clerk, "I need some Chapstick - just put it on my bill."
I like it.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:40 AM on March 20, 2006
Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says 'Can you smell fish?'
posted by hmca at 10:48 AM on March 20, 2006
One says 'Can you smell fish?'
posted by hmca at 10:48 AM on March 20, 2006
What does Snoop Dog wash his t-shirts in?
Bleee-atch!!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:52 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Bleee-atch!!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:52 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What did one Snowman say to the other snowman?
"Hey -- do you smell carrots?"
posted by Rumple at 11:00 AM on March 20, 2006
"Hey -- do you smell carrots?"
posted by Rumple at 11:00 AM on March 20, 2006
A rabbi, a horse, and an astronaut wall into a bar.
The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by Meatbomb at 11:07 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
The barman looks at the three of them and says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by Meatbomb at 11:07 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
This was one of my grandfather's favorites. I'm stealing the text from Car Talk letters:
There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240Z, but he wants it repainted to read 240-S
The dealer asks, "Why?"
The snail replies, "S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
posted by occhiblu at 11:12 AM on March 20, 2006
There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240Z, but he wants it repainted to read 240-S
The dealer asks, "Why?"
The snail replies, "S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
posted by occhiblu at 11:12 AM on March 20, 2006
From a seven-year-old friend:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
An absurdist favorite:
Q: How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbuld?
A: Fish.
A local favorite:
Q: How many people from the [SF] Bay Area does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
posted by al_fresco at 11:18 AM on March 20, 2006
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
An absurdist favorite:
Q: How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbuld?
A: Fish.
A local favorite:
Q: How many people from the [SF] Bay Area does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
posted by al_fresco at 11:18 AM on March 20, 2006
Imelda: I can't finish this glass of water.
Ferdinand: Why not?
Imelda: It's tubig.
posted by kurumi at 11:34 AM on March 20, 2006
Ferdinand: Why not?
Imelda: It's tubig.
posted by kurumi at 11:34 AM on March 20, 2006
Best answer: Did you hear about the woman who walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre?
The barman gave her one
posted by TheDonF at 11:36 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
The barman gave her one
posted by TheDonF at 11:36 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
Here is a link to a bunch of Halloween one liners. Some meet your critieria, depending on your definitions.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:42 AM on March 20, 2006
posted by BoscosMom at 11:42 AM on March 20, 2006
A couple variations on fuzzbean's joke:
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is odd, because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.
A guy walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch!"
posted by Aster at 11:44 AM on March 20, 2006
Two guys walk into a bar. Which is odd, because you would think at least one of them would have seen it first.
A guy walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch!"
posted by Aster at 11:44 AM on March 20, 2006
From my roommate's father.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its feet is both the same.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tunafish.
posted by borkencode at 11:50 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its feet is both the same.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tunafish.
posted by borkencode at 11:50 AM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty six year olds?
There are twenty of them.
posted by lalochezia at 11:51 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
There are twenty of them.
posted by lalochezia at 11:51 AM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi," he says, "got any duck food?" "No," replies the clerk. "Okay," the duck says, and leaves. Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay," says the duck, and leaves.
This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.
A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"
posted by Aster at 11:57 AM on March 20, 2006
This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more. "Look," he snaps, "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.
A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi," he says, "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No," he replies. "Great!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"
posted by Aster at 11:57 AM on March 20, 2006
There was this baby polar bear running around playing away quite happily for a while when he comes to his mother and says "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are dear, now go and play."
A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."
A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby."
"Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so f**king cold?"
posted by platinum at 12:04 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
"Of course you are dear, now go and play."
A little while later he comes back and says "Mummy, are you QUITE sure I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am QUITE sure you are a real polar bear. Now go and play because Mummy is busy, dear."
A little while later he comes back yet again and asks "Mummy, are you POSITIVE that I am a real polar bear?"
"Yes dear, I am positive about that. Your father is a real polar bear father and I'm a real polar bear mummy and you are a real polar bear baby."
"Well, if I am a REAL polar bear, why am I so f**king cold?"
posted by platinum at 12:04 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
borkencode's joke made me laugh out loud. So much so , I googled it, and was able to learn a bit more about why I laughed:
posted by ernie at 12:20 PM on March 20, 2006
A traditional joke makes sense and has a funny punchline at the end (either wordplay or a surprise ending). So a NON-traditional joke is one that either doesn't make sense, or doesn't have a normal punchline at the end. The first non-traditional joke I ever heard was told to me by my roommate years ago:
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
I consider this the finest joke ever written. It's non-traditional in two ways: First of all, it's funny at the beginning, not just at the end. The question itself is a parody of "What's the difference" jokes. People who get this often laugh out loud right after the question, before the "punchline" is given. (Unfortunately, many people seem to miss the rich parody here. Half the time I try to tell this joke, people answer with "The difference between a duck and WHAT?" Whenever that happens I cry inside for humanity.) Second, the whole joke is, of course, non-sensical. This type of joke is often referred to as an absurd joke.
Best answer: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
posted by forrest at 12:26 PM on March 20, 2006
Hot cross bunnies.
posted by forrest at 12:26 PM on March 20, 2006
Best answer: Guy walks into a pet store to get some cat food and as he's walking down the aisle, he passes a parrot cage. The parrot inside says, "psst! Hey buddy!" Guy turns around and says, "yes?" The parrot says, "FUCK YOU!" The man is taken aback, but gets his cat food and goes on.
A week later, the same guy comes back for some more cat food and he walks down the aisle, passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Pssssst! Hey, Buddy!" The man warily turns to the parrot and says, "Yes?" The parrot says "FUCK YOU!"
The man asks to speak with the manager and says, "Listen, I don't want to take my business elsewhere but that parrot is rude and offensive." The manager apologizes and assures the man it will NEVER HAPPEN again.
So a week later, the man comes to the pet store for some cat food and he passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Psssst! Hey, buddy!" The man slowly turns and says, "what?" The parrot nods and says, "You know what."
posted by OneOliveShort at 12:52 PM on March 20, 2006 [11 favorites]
A week later, the same guy comes back for some more cat food and he walks down the aisle, passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Pssssst! Hey, Buddy!" The man warily turns to the parrot and says, "Yes?" The parrot says "FUCK YOU!"
The man asks to speak with the manager and says, "Listen, I don't want to take my business elsewhere but that parrot is rude and offensive." The manager apologizes and assures the man it will NEVER HAPPEN again.
So a week later, the man comes to the pet store for some cat food and he passes the parrot cage and the parrot says, "Psssst! Hey, buddy!" The man slowly turns and says, "what?" The parrot nods and says, "You know what."
posted by OneOliveShort at 12:52 PM on March 20, 2006 [11 favorites]
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
LETS RIDE BIKES!
posted by BSummers at 12:57 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
LETS RIDE BIKES!
posted by BSummers at 12:57 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a cucumber?
Elephant cucumber sine theta.
My old-boss's six-year-old loved this one:
What's invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey farts.
posted by solotoro at 1:07 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Elephant cucumber sine theta.
My old-boss's six-year-old loved this one:
What's invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey farts.
posted by solotoro at 1:07 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
How many Ivy League graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: He holds the bulb and the universe spins around him.
---
How many Illuminati does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and one to confuse the issue.
Thank you, thank you, all night, etc.
posted by bkudria at 1:11 PM on March 20, 2006
One: He holds the bulb and the universe spins around him.
---
How many Illuminati does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and one to confuse the issue.
Thank you, thank you, all night, etc.
posted by bkudria at 1:11 PM on March 20, 2006
First-year students at Purdue Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
posted by Ostara at 1:14 PM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
posted by Ostara at 1:14 PM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]
Ostara - LOL
I think that may offend Purdue Vet students.
posted by UncleHornHead at 1:31 PM on March 20, 2006
I think that may offend Purdue Vet students.
posted by UncleHornHead at 1:31 PM on March 20, 2006
What's the white stuff in bird poop?
That's bird poop, too.
OneOliveShort, I loved yours and plan to share.
posted by skryche at 1:32 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
That's bird poop, too.
OneOliveShort, I loved yours and plan to share.
posted by skryche at 1:32 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What did Tennesee?
The same thing Arkansas.
posted by sciencejock at 2:47 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
The same thing Arkansas.
posted by sciencejock at 2:47 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Three mice are in a bar, bragging about who is toughest. The first mouse downs his whiskey and says, "I go looking for mousetraps. When I find one, I set it off, catch the bar in my mouth, bench press it 50 times to work up an appetite, the take the cheese."
The second mouse downs his tequila and says, "I find those poison traps and get the little pieces of poison out. I grind them up and mix them with my coffee in the morning and it gives me a good buzz."
The third mouse finishes his beer. The other two look at him and say, "Well?"
He replies, "I don't have time for this crap, I'm going home to screw the cat."
......
Assuming you don't mind making fun of mice or cats.
posted by Kickstart70 at 2:52 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
The second mouse downs his tequila and says, "I find those poison traps and get the little pieces of poison out. I grind them up and mix them with my coffee in the morning and it gives me a good buzz."
The third mouse finishes his beer. The other two look at him and say, "Well?"
He replies, "I don't have time for this crap, I'm going home to screw the cat."
......
Assuming you don't mind making fun of mice or cats.
posted by Kickstart70 at 2:52 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A pair of jokes for Communists:
Q Why does Lenin drink peppermint tea?
A Because all proper tea is theft.
Karl Marx goes to visit his friend Friedrich Engels, they have tea and cake, and Marx excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears the unmistakable sound of a string quartet. He shrugs and goes back to Engels.
Over the next few weeks, Marx continues to visit Engels and use his bathroom, and every time he flushes, there's the sound of a string quartet.
Finally he confronts Engels: "Look Friedrich, every time I flush your toilet, I hear a string quartet, what's that all about?"
"Oh that," says Engels, "That's the violins inherent in the cistern."
posted by featherboa at 2:53 PM on March 20, 2006 [13 favorites]
Q Why does Lenin drink peppermint tea?
A Because all proper tea is theft.
Karl Marx goes to visit his friend Friedrich Engels, they have tea and cake, and Marx excuses himself to use the bathroom. As he flushes the toilet, he hears the unmistakable sound of a string quartet. He shrugs and goes back to Engels.
Over the next few weeks, Marx continues to visit Engels and use his bathroom, and every time he flushes, there's the sound of a string quartet.
Finally he confronts Engels: "Look Friedrich, every time I flush your toilet, I hear a string quartet, what's that all about?"
"Oh that," says Engels, "That's the violins inherent in the cistern."
posted by featherboa at 2:53 PM on March 20, 2006 [13 favorites]
I think the funniest joke is "A thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold -- how does it know?"
Or possibly the one about the guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
Dear Sir, Please send me twomongooses mongeese.
Dear Sir, Please send me twomongooses mongeese mongi.
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thoughts, make it two.
Or the thing in Return Of The Pink Panther where there's an old guy and a dog.
Clouseau: does your dog bite?
Old Guy: No, my dog does not bite.
Clouseau pets the dog, which bites him.
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog does not bite?
Old Guy: I did, but that is not my dog.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:16 PM on March 20, 2006
Or possibly the one about the guy writing to the Bombay Zoo:
Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses.
Dear Sir, Please send me two
Dear Sir, Please send me two
Dear Sir, Please send me a mongoose. On second thoughts, make it two.
Or the thing in Return Of The Pink Panther where there's an old guy and a dog.
Clouseau: does your dog bite?
Old Guy: No, my dog does not bite.
Clouseau pets the dog, which bites him.
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog does not bite?
Old Guy: I did, but that is not my dog.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:16 PM on March 20, 2006
A six-year-old told me this joke once and it never fails to make me, quite literally, LOL.
What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"
posted by beaucoupkevin at 3:32 PM on March 20, 2006
What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
"Where's my plow?"
posted by beaucoupkevin at 3:32 PM on March 20, 2006
What do you have if you have a moth ball in each hand?
An extremely large moth.
posted by Jonsnews at 3:47 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
An extremely large moth.
posted by Jonsnews at 3:47 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Another one I came up with when I was a young geek:
Why couldn't the fraction take the test?
He was 2/10ths
posted by Jonsnews at 4:18 PM on March 20, 2006
Why couldn't the fraction take the test?
He was 2/10ths
posted by Jonsnews at 4:18 PM on March 20, 2006
Q : How is the Pharoah's daughter like Wall Street broker?
A : Because she took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Q: How does a pirate get to work?
A: He takes the arrrrrr train.
posted by Afroblanco at 5:25 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A : Because she took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Q: How does a pirate get to work?
A: He takes the arrrrrr train.
posted by Afroblanco at 5:25 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Two sharks meet in the desert. One says to the other "Long time no sea".
An oyster goes into a bar and pulls a mussel.
posted by tellurian at 5:34 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
An oyster goes into a bar and pulls a mussel.
posted by tellurian at 5:34 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A cranberry on an elevator.
Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half of a cat.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 6:25 PM on March 20, 2006
A: A cranberry on an elevator.
Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
A: Half of a cat.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 6:25 PM on March 20, 2006
Similar to the last one but - in my humble opinion - much funnier:
What has twelve legs, one eye and stinks of fish?
- Three blind mice and half a haddock.
posted by Decani at 7:11 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
What has twelve legs, one eye and stinks of fish?
- Three blind mice and half a haddock.
posted by Decani at 7:11 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]
A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby with a red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle. The wagon is being pulled by a dog and a cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, and notices that the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little girl," the firefighter says, "I think if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
posted by rob511 at 7:42 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by rob511 at 7:42 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Two friends are hiking in the woods, when they suddenly come across a wide, deep, perfectly round hole in the ground. It is so deep, they cannot see the bottom. Intrigued, one friend finds a pebble and drops it in... silence. The second friend finds a large rock, hefts it over, and pushes it into the hole... silence. Finally, the first friend finds a huge wooden plank, pushes it in, and listens... silence.
Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.
As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.
Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"
Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."
Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"
No goats were harmed in the process of telling this joke.
posted by sol at 8:18 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Then a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.
As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.
Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"
Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."
Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge wooden plank"
No goats were harmed in the process of telling this joke.
posted by sol at 8:18 PM on March 20, 2006 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Eveyrbody wins! OneOliveShort's joke is borderline making fun of the customer, but it's brilliantly constructed and delivered, so I declare it the more accurate winner :) Thanks everybody.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 1:51 AM on March 21, 2006
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 1:51 AM on March 21, 2006
How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Juan.
posted by blag at 4:28 AM on March 21, 2006
Juan.
posted by blag at 4:28 AM on March 21, 2006
A horse walks into a bartender. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
posted by JamesMessick at 7:20 AM on March 21, 2006
posted by JamesMessick at 7:20 AM on March 21, 2006
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed under the sheets. The chicken takes a drag of a cigarette, turns to the egg, and says, "Well I guess this answers that question."
posted by junesix at 7:21 AM on March 21, 2006
posted by junesix at 7:21 AM on March 21, 2006
You're all just encouraging me...
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin.................................... and tonic." The bartender says, "Why the long pause?" And the polar bear says, "I don't know. I've always had them".
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
AmbroseChapel - That's one of my favorites!!!
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 1:56 PM on March 21, 2006
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because very few mice know how to dance.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin.................................... and tonic." The bartender says, "Why the long pause?" And the polar bear says, "I don't know. I've always had them".
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
AmbroseChapel - That's one of my favorites!!!
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 1:56 PM on March 21, 2006
This is a great thread. I was just telling someone the other day that it was hard to come up with a "clean" joke. Here are the two that I keep in my organizer.
A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The store owner suggested a centipede. " What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked. "This is a most unusual centipede, the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink." The man took the centipede home ad put him in a box on the windowsill. That evening the man asked, "Would you like to go out for a beer?" Receiving no response, the mand said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?" Again there was noe response, so the man fairly shouted, "Hey, in there! How about goin out for a drink?" To which a tiny voice replied, " I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes." - from Playboy's Party Jokes of all places
An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavoir, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Withou hesitating, the dean selected infiinte wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared. The other facutly members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise."The dean sighed and said, "I should have taken the money." - Playboy's Party Jokes
posted by DenVogel at 2:16 PM on March 21, 2006 [2 favorites]
A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The store owner suggested a centipede. " What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked. "This is a most unusual centipede, the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink." The man took the centipede home ad put him in a box on the windowsill. That evening the man asked, "Would you like to go out for a beer?" Receiving no response, the mand said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?" Again there was noe response, so the man fairly shouted, "Hey, in there! How about goin out for a drink?" To which a tiny voice replied, " I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes." - from Playboy's Party Jokes of all places
An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavoir, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Withou hesitating, the dean selected infiinte wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared. The other facutly members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise."The dean sighed and said, "I should have taken the money." - Playboy's Party Jokes
posted by DenVogel at 2:16 PM on March 21, 2006 [2 favorites]
There's always Groucho's quip:
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
posted by KRS at 2:27 PM on March 21, 2006
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
posted by KRS at 2:27 PM on March 21, 2006
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
posted by NickDouglas at 11:00 PM on March 21, 2006 [3 favorites]
The Holocaust.
posted by NickDouglas at 11:00 PM on March 21, 2006 [3 favorites]
My favorite:
Q: What's loud and sounds like apples?
A: APPLES!!!!!!!
(yelled as loud as you can)
posted by willc at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2006 [3 favorites]
Q: What's loud and sounds like apples?
A: APPLES!!!!!!!
(yelled as loud as you can)
posted by willc at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2006 [3 favorites]
Q: Why don't lobsters share?
A: They're shellfish.
(My mom told me that one.)
posted by caution live frogs at 6:28 AM on March 23, 2006 [1 favorite]
A: They're shellfish.
(My mom told me that one.)
posted by caution live frogs at 6:28 AM on March 23, 2006 [1 favorite]
A man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Opens the door, nobody there. He looks down and sees a snail on the front porch. Huh. He picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can.
3 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail sez, "What the hell was that all about?"
posted by nikzhowz at 7:46 PM on March 23, 2006
3 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, hears a knock. Opens the door. There's a snail on his porch.
Snail sez, "What the hell was that all about?"
posted by nikzhowz at 7:46 PM on March 23, 2006
Why don't you take a Pokemon into the bathroom?
He'll Pikachu! (peek at you)
How do you get Pikachu on the school bus?
You Pokemon (poke-em-on)
Me: Ask me if I'm a watermelon
You: Are you a watermelon?
Me: No
posted by arcticwoman at 11:01 PM on March 23, 2006
He'll Pikachu! (peek at you)
How do you get Pikachu on the school bus?
You Pokemon (poke-em-on)
Me: Ask me if I'm a watermelon
You: Are you a watermelon?
Me: No
posted by arcticwoman at 11:01 PM on March 23, 2006
A dog goes into a telegram office and says to the operator"woof woof woof woof woof woof "
The operator copies it down and says "you know you can send one more woof for the same price"
The dog says "but then it wouldn't make sense"
posted by Brando_T. at 7:58 AM on March 24, 2006 [2 favorites]
The operator copies it down and says "you know you can send one more woof for the same price"
The dog says "but then it wouldn't make sense"
posted by Brando_T. at 7:58 AM on March 24, 2006 [2 favorites]
Always thought this was funny. And no one was ever able to answer it:
"What's a deer with no eyes?"
"No-eye-deer!"
and one from many years ago, midwest farmer:
"Railroad Crossing, look out for the cars. Can you spell that without any R's"?
Yes.
T-H-A-T.
Then again, that might be a puzzle, not a joke.
posted by NaomiN at 4:28 PM on March 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
"What's a deer with no eyes?"
"No-eye-deer!"
and one from many years ago, midwest farmer:
"Railroad Crossing, look out for the cars. Can you spell that without any R's"?
Yes.
T-H-A-T.
Then again, that might be a puzzle, not a joke.
posted by NaomiN at 4:28 PM on March 26, 2006 [1 favorite]
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they have to be really, really small.
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 7:59 PM on March 26, 2006 [2 favorites]
Two, but they have to be really, really small.
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 7:59 PM on March 26, 2006 [2 favorites]
What do you call an elephant on a bicycle?
Optimistic.
posted by emelenjr at 1:03 PM on March 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
Optimistic.
posted by emelenjr at 1:03 PM on March 27, 2006 [1 favorite]
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
posted by NickDouglas at 11:00 PM PST on March 21 [!]
Gah! Thought you'd died.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:04 PM on March 28, 2006
The Holocaust.
posted by NickDouglas at 11:00 PM PST on March 21 [!]
Gah! Thought you'd died.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 8:04 PM on March 28, 2006
You know, I had it rough as a kid.
My mother wouldn't breastfeed me,
She said she liked me, but as a friend.
(loosens tie ...)
I grew up in a tough neighborhood,
I tell ya...
We had a children's zoo,
but then the four kids escaped.
(Rodney Dangerfield, of course knew it was best to make fun of oneself.)
posted by R. Mutt at 6:18 AM on March 29, 2006
My mother wouldn't breastfeed me,
She said she liked me, but as a friend.
(loosens tie ...)
I grew up in a tough neighborhood,
I tell ya...
We had a children's zoo,
but then the four kids escaped.
(Rodney Dangerfield, of course knew it was best to make fun of oneself.)
posted by R. Mutt at 6:18 AM on March 29, 2006
I told this one on T-Bar-V almost 40 years ago.
Q: What kind of flower did Lassie wear to the ball?
A: Cauliflower
It made the clown cry.
I also like...
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Aardvarks nibbling the crutch of Freud
Though that might be making fun of surrealists.
Finally, my favorite might be the two Southern belles, but I'm not going through that again. (self-link)
posted by ?! at 6:38 AM on March 29, 2006 [1 favorite]
Q: What kind of flower did Lassie wear to the ball?
A: Cauliflower
It made the clown cry.
I also like...
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Aardvarks nibbling the crutch of Freud
Though that might be making fun of surrealists.
Finally, my favorite might be the two Southern belles, but I'm not going through that again. (self-link)
posted by ?! at 6:38 AM on March 29, 2006 [1 favorite]
Do you like Kipling?
I con't know, i've never been kippled
posted by quarsan at 4:04 AM on March 30, 2006
I con't know, i've never been kippled
posted by quarsan at 4:04 AM on March 30, 2006
JamesMessick, "A horse walks into a bartender" is gold all by itself. It doesn't need a punchline!
posted by dantodd at 5:18 AM on March 30, 2006
posted by dantodd at 5:18 AM on March 30, 2006
I'll drop this into the late-thread silence:
What's blue and f***s grannies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.
posted by godawful at 4:39 PM on April 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
What's blue and f***s grannies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.
posted by godawful at 4:39 PM on April 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
Why are pirates called pirates?
Just because they arrrrghhh.....
posted by RufusW at 9:47 AM on April 4, 2006
Just because they arrrrghhh.....
posted by RufusW at 9:47 AM on April 4, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jessamyn at 7:04 AM on March 20, 2006 [3 favorites]