Sex whilst on her period...
November 22, 2005 12:40 PM Subscribe
Sex whilst on her period...
1st off I am a male.
So my girlfriend and I are quite happy, active sexual life. During our whole relationship she has been traveling Monday through Thursday, so our time to have sex is limited and thus quite valuable.. At the outset she asked my opinions of having sex during her period (she is on the birth control where she only has a period every 4 months.) I stated at the time that it wasn't really a big issue to me, but that we should probably keep it to a minimum. She agreed and things went happily until now: Seems as though recently her period has been proceeded by weeks of what she calls "spotting." To be honest from my standpoint I can't really tell a difference. After a particularly unsettling sexual encounter over the weekend (she is spotting) I have decided that now it is a big deal to me. The byproducts produced from the interaction plus the smell (not her normal WONDERFUL 'personal' scent) turned me off tremendously. I didn't say anything at the time, but picked a better time 2 days later to tell her my feelings. As you can imagine it didn't go so well. Though I approached the situation with professionalism and dignity (wrong words) she was tremendously embarrassed and became quite defensive. She asked if it was ok for me that we don't have sex for 3 (or more) weeks at a time. I truthfully responded 'yes.' Wrong answer.
Ladies: What are your opinions on sex during your period? Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period? Put yourself in her shoes, your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is icky, is he being juvenile?
Men: What is your personal policy about sex during the period?
Someone help me out! I think that waiting 3 weeks for sex is not an unreasonable request, she thinks I am being a little boy.
1st off I am a male.
So my girlfriend and I are quite happy, active sexual life. During our whole relationship she has been traveling Monday through Thursday, so our time to have sex is limited and thus quite valuable.. At the outset she asked my opinions of having sex during her period (she is on the birth control where she only has a period every 4 months.) I stated at the time that it wasn't really a big issue to me, but that we should probably keep it to a minimum. She agreed and things went happily until now: Seems as though recently her period has been proceeded by weeks of what she calls "spotting." To be honest from my standpoint I can't really tell a difference. After a particularly unsettling sexual encounter over the weekend (she is spotting) I have decided that now it is a big deal to me. The byproducts produced from the interaction plus the smell (not her normal WONDERFUL 'personal' scent) turned me off tremendously. I didn't say anything at the time, but picked a better time 2 days later to tell her my feelings. As you can imagine it didn't go so well. Though I approached the situation with professionalism and dignity (wrong words) she was tremendously embarrassed and became quite defensive. She asked if it was ok for me that we don't have sex for 3 (or more) weeks at a time. I truthfully responded 'yes.' Wrong answer.
Ladies: What are your opinions on sex during your period? Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period? Put yourself in her shoes, your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is icky, is he being juvenile?
Men: What is your personal policy about sex during the period?
Someone help me out! I think that waiting 3 weeks for sex is not an unreasonable request, she thinks I am being a little boy.
After a particularly unsettling sexual encounter over the weekend (she is spotting) I have decided that now it is a big deal to me.
Sorry that was really funny. Of all the guys I've talked to, if do it use a towel. Otherwise, without being crude, there are other ways of satisfying you.
posted by geoff. at 12:45 PM on November 22, 2005
Sorry that was really funny. Of all the guys I've talked to, if do it use a towel. Otherwise, without being crude, there are other ways of satisfying you.
posted by geoff. at 12:45 PM on November 22, 2005
Use condoms?
posted by chunking express at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by chunking express at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005
To clarify; are you talking about penetrative vaginal sex, or performing oral sex on her?
posted by weirdoactor at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by weirdoactor at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005
aww, poor you. you'll grow out of it. the fact that you're discussing your rather boring (from the sound of it) sex life 'with professionalism and dignity' tells me a lot, including the fact that you're pretty ignorant of what she needs vs. how YOU would have liked to have been approached in a similar situation with the roles reversed (somehow).
put an old towel down, go to town, and somehow suffer the indignity of having an imperfect woman in your bed and somehow she might appreciate it later. as that guy said, it washes off. she's not your sex toy to be cleaned and put away until it's perfect for you.
posted by kcm at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
put an old towel down, go to town, and somehow suffer the indignity of having an imperfect woman in your bed and somehow she might appreciate it later. as that guy said, it washes off. she's not your sex toy to be cleaned and put away until it's perfect for you.
posted by kcm at 12:47 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
Really, this has nothing to do with what the "ladies" and "men" of AxeMe think. Sex within your relationship is within your relationship and there are only two opinions that really matter, yours and hers. If you and she are comfortable with getting busy while she is spotting or having a full on flow, well then have at it. Just because Joe Blow from Kokomo things it's icky should have no bearing.
Remember though, it you AND she that have to make the decision. If she doesn't want to, then tough shit, learn to take care of yourself. It is never unreasonable for someone to say no to sex, no reason is necessary other than lack of desire.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:49 PM on November 22, 2005
Remember though, it you AND she that have to make the decision. If she doesn't want to, then tough shit, learn to take care of yourself. It is never unreasonable for someone to say no to sex, no reason is necessary other than lack of desire.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:49 PM on November 22, 2005
You are being a little boy. Maybe you should read up on the menses. A bit of education might go a long way to help you get over thinking a perfectly natural event is icky. Also, you might be missing out on some great sex. Some women are their horniest on their period.
posted by mds35 at 12:51 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by mds35 at 12:51 PM on November 22, 2005
I've been in a similar situation (with the spotting) and it is extremely frustrating, especially because you often can't predict when it will come.
As far as light spotting goes, if I wear a tampon until just before sex I've never seen any evidence that the spotting caused a problem--though skipping oral sex is probably a good idea. Changing birth control pills solved this problem for me, so encouraging her to see a doctor might help.
If you really have a problem with this it doesn't seem likely that you'll truly change your mind and be comfortable enough to enjoy sex. I think she should respect that, but you should work together to make sure there's still intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship. Are you affectionate with her outside of the bedroom? Maybe one of the reasons she doesn't want to wait three weeks is because she craves some positive attention from you.
posted by handful of rain at 12:52 PM on November 22, 2005
As far as light spotting goes, if I wear a tampon until just before sex I've never seen any evidence that the spotting caused a problem--though skipping oral sex is probably a good idea. Changing birth control pills solved this problem for me, so encouraging her to see a doctor might help.
If you really have a problem with this it doesn't seem likely that you'll truly change your mind and be comfortable enough to enjoy sex. I think she should respect that, but you should work together to make sure there's still intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship. Are you affectionate with her outside of the bedroom? Maybe one of the reasons she doesn't want to wait three weeks is because she craves some positive attention from you.
posted by handful of rain at 12:52 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm a man, and most women I've been with are even more hormonally charged when they're "out to sea". I don't see it as a problem any more than I see my own messy stinky fluids as a problem.
I don't know how you approached it, nor the security or self-image of your girlfriend, but it seems like she felt you were insulting a very personal and intimate aspect of her as a woman. And to casually say you'd rather go without physical intimacy (which brings along a lot of emotional intimacy, probably more important during that time) is just a slap in the face. You're effectively saying you're only attracted to her if she fits certain crtietria, and completely disregarding her needs. The situation may or may not be this extreme, but it's most certainly a factor somewhere in her reaction.
As to the fluids and by-products, sex is a messy business. Put a towel under you, you'll be fine. For kicks, when cleaning up afterwards, you can scream as you notice all the blood on your penis and imagine any sort of fantasy where that may have been the result.
The smell, however, is a valid issue. I suggest sucking up the rest of it and focusing on this. Try to express that it's nothing about her personally, and that you misspoke when you said that three week comment, that you crave the emotional intimacy, but that the two of you should pay more attention to cleanliness during that time. But frankly, since it doesn't bother me, I don't know what products would help or would even be sanitary. You could just breathe out your mouth.
posted by p7a77 at 12:52 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
I don't know how you approached it, nor the security or self-image of your girlfriend, but it seems like she felt you were insulting a very personal and intimate aspect of her as a woman. And to casually say you'd rather go without physical intimacy (which brings along a lot of emotional intimacy, probably more important during that time) is just a slap in the face. You're effectively saying you're only attracted to her if she fits certain crtietria, and completely disregarding her needs. The situation may or may not be this extreme, but it's most certainly a factor somewhere in her reaction.
As to the fluids and by-products, sex is a messy business. Put a towel under you, you'll be fine. For kicks, when cleaning up afterwards, you can scream as you notice all the blood on your penis and imagine any sort of fantasy where that may have been the result.
The smell, however, is a valid issue. I suggest sucking up the rest of it and focusing on this. Try to express that it's nothing about her personally, and that you misspoke when you said that three week comment, that you crave the emotional intimacy, but that the two of you should pay more attention to cleanliness during that time. But frankly, since it doesn't bother me, I don't know what products would help or would even be sanitary. You could just breathe out your mouth.
posted by p7a77 at 12:52 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
This will probably make me unpopular, but, (I am a woman), I LOATHE sex while menstruating. I find it personally disgusting and it makes me incredibly uptight and unable to enjoy ANY part of sex. It makes me unhappy and I won't compromise.
I also have no issues with a man finding the byproduct and smell of spotting/menstruating foul - I don't think it marks you as juvenile, I think it's just the way it is. I mean, "Ew! cooties! You're gross EEEWW!" is a lame reaction that makes you a potential idiot, but just the simple *fact* that the smelll/blood/brown spots are "icky" for you is, well, just that.
I think shit is icky, some people don't, to each their own *shrug*
posted by tristeza at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2005
I also have no issues with a man finding the byproduct and smell of spotting/menstruating foul - I don't think it marks you as juvenile, I think it's just the way it is. I mean, "Ew! cooties! You're gross EEEWW!" is a lame reaction that makes you a potential idiot, but just the simple *fact* that the smelll/blood/brown spots are "icky" for you is, well, just that.
I think shit is icky, some people don't, to each their own *shrug*
posted by tristeza at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2005
Yeah, I vote little boy. You gotta let your animal instinct take over to some extent when you're fucking. I'm going to make a generalization and guess that you're the kind of guy who likes his sex in a fairly conservative fashion. But for sex to be any good, you gotta let go. It doesn't matter for her, why should it matter for you? And honestly, I've had some GREAT sex while my partner was menstruating. Great for me and great for her.
posted by panoptican at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by panoptican at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2005
look, she doesn't give a flying fuck about his Robert's Rules of Order adherence, she cares that he's unsatisified with her as a person because of some simple thing that really isn't all that big of a deal for mature sexual beings (in my eyes). believe me, once you learn to subject yourself to the kink outside of missionary, highly periodic (ha ha), on-the-bed sex, you'll find a LOT you enjoy -- I guarantee it.
the black thing with knives.. you know what it's called.
posted by kcm at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2005
the black thing with knives.. you know what it's called.
posted by kcm at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2005
It's sex! Sex is supposed to be sticky and messy! She is a human being, after all. I can sympathize a little, because I know the sight of blood on your genetalia can be disconcerning at first. Ultimately, you will get over it and I think you are being a little boy.
If nothing else, you've jumped the gun. Give it a couple more trys, I'd say it's worth it.
posted by samh23 at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2005
If nothing else, you've jumped the gun. Give it a couple more trys, I'd say it's worth it.
posted by samh23 at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2005
If it's the smell, then maybe try to slowly re-associate that smell for yourself. You know, work on affiliating the smell with sex. For instance, b.o. on a subway train is unpleasant, but when I smell my man's armpits in the sack, it's a whole other ballgame.
If it's the mess... yeah, towels, condoms, showers.
As for myself, I don't like sex during the heavy part of my period, but I've gotten gradually more comfortable with it during the lighter "spotting"-esque times. Since I think it's kind of gross myself, I've always been open to my boyfriends feeling the same and not wanting sex during my periods. However, none of them have ever had a problem...
posted by tentacle at 12:57 PM on November 22, 2005
If it's the mess... yeah, towels, condoms, showers.
As for myself, I don't like sex during the heavy part of my period, but I've gotten gradually more comfortable with it during the lighter "spotting"-esque times. Since I think it's kind of gross myself, I've always been open to my boyfriends feeling the same and not wanting sex during my periods. However, none of them have ever had a problem...
posted by tentacle at 12:57 PM on November 22, 2005
You can't help it if you're turned off by blood. On the other hand, you can help it if you throw your hands up and give up and say "No sex!" that's the part that seems juvenile to me.
It seems like a problem with many ways around it. If you still want to have sex with your girlfriend, make that your primary goal. Telling your girlfriend that she smells never goes well, no matter how honest or helpful you think you are trying to be. Saying "Hey let's get busy in the shower!" is a better way to approach such a situation.
From a personal standpoint, I couldn't see myself in a long term relationship with someone who thought my period was icky.
posted by jessamyn at 12:58 PM on November 22, 2005
It seems like a problem with many ways around it. If you still want to have sex with your girlfriend, make that your primary goal. Telling your girlfriend that she smells never goes well, no matter how honest or helpful you think you are trying to be. Saying "Hey let's get busy in the shower!" is a better way to approach such a situation.
From a personal standpoint, I couldn't see myself in a long term relationship with someone who thought my period was icky.
posted by jessamyn at 12:58 PM on November 22, 2005
Lady here.
What are your opinions on sex during your period?
I'm all for it. Oral sex, no thanks, no matter how cool the guy is with it.
Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period?
Sometimes the spotting is lighter than a period. Sometimes it's heavier, more like a normal period. So, I guess the answer is "sometimes."
your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is icky, is he being juvenile?
In all honesty, I would have to say "yes." I would be annoyed if my boyfriend told me he didn't like having sex with me while I was on my period. However, you have a preference (that you perhaps didn't know you had before). You told your girlfriend about it in what (I hope) was the gentlest way possible. You can't stop her from being offended, just as she can't stop you from not liking period sex. I say what you should do now is really talk to her about it. Make clear that your preference has nothing to do with your overall attraction to her. Also, make sure that you are absolutely against it. I mean, was this the first time you'd tried sex with a girl on her period? If so, try it again. It's really not that horrible.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 1:00 PM on November 22, 2005
What are your opinions on sex during your period?
I'm all for it. Oral sex, no thanks, no matter how cool the guy is with it.
Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period?
Sometimes the spotting is lighter than a period. Sometimes it's heavier, more like a normal period. So, I guess the answer is "sometimes."
your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is icky, is he being juvenile?
In all honesty, I would have to say "yes." I would be annoyed if my boyfriend told me he didn't like having sex with me while I was on my period. However, you have a preference (that you perhaps didn't know you had before). You told your girlfriend about it in what (I hope) was the gentlest way possible. You can't stop her from being offended, just as she can't stop you from not liking period sex. I say what you should do now is really talk to her about it. Make clear that your preference has nothing to do with your overall attraction to her. Also, make sure that you are absolutely against it. I mean, was this the first time you'd tried sex with a girl on her period? If so, try it again. It's really not that horrible.
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 1:00 PM on November 22, 2005
It's really not that horrible.
should read: "It's really just as awesome as sex at non-bloody times"
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 1:02 PM on November 22, 2005
should read: "It's really just as awesome as sex at non-bloody times"
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 1:02 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm not saying she has to do anything to accommodate you, because she doesn't, but I personally find off-week sex a little uncomfortable to painful because of stickiness. For that there are Instead cups or (my preference) natural sea sponge tampon alternatives, which may prevent 100% penetration but it's pretty close.
Any future discussions on this subject should probably not involve any complaints about smell. Yes, spotting time in particular can be really different, but there's not a thing we can do about it. It's like complaining about our breasts or noses or other things you shouldn't complain about.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:02 PM on November 22, 2005
Any future discussions on this subject should probably not involve any complaints about smell. Yes, spotting time in particular can be really different, but there's not a thing we can do about it. It's like complaining about our breasts or noses or other things you shouldn't complain about.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:02 PM on November 22, 2005
Any future discussions on this subject should probably not involve any complaints about smell. Yes, spotting time in particular can be really different, but there's not a thing we can do about it.
There's also not a thing he can do about the fact that the smell turns him off and he finds it unpleasant.
posted by tristeza at 1:04 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
There's also not a thing he can do about the fact that the smell turns him off and he finds it unpleasant.
posted by tristeza at 1:04 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
I vote little boy too. With my ex, I LOVED sex with her when she had her period. Most probably because she was horny as hell and orgasms were more forthcoming than usual. The first time she bled while having sex I was kinda shocked as I wasn't expecting it and had a minor heart attack thinking somehow damage had been done. About 3 seconds later reality kicked in and we laughed like hell at the look on my face. After that it didn't bother me in the slightest because I loved her completely and it was just her beautiful body being natural. She would get a bit embarrased sometimes especially if the sheets got stained badly but it was cool. Hell, one time I even wrote my initials on her belly when my fingers got "inked". Bottom line? If you pass up sex with the woman you love because of this then you're crazy.
posted by brautigan at 1:06 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by brautigan at 1:06 PM on November 22, 2005
Let me get this straight: you don't want to bask in her womanhood?
posted by jon_kill at 1:07 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by jon_kill at 1:07 PM on November 22, 2005
There's also not a thing he can do about the fact that the smell turns him off and he finds it unpleasant.
Sure there is. Sex smells. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. Sometimes you fuck right after bathing and sometimes it's after spending all night dancing and drinking. Sometims the woman is on her period and sometimes she's not. It helps though to associate smells that come from sex with sex and not "ew, that stinks."
posted by panoptican at 1:10 PM on November 22, 2005
Sure there is. Sex smells. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much. Sometimes you fuck right after bathing and sometimes it's after spending all night dancing and drinking. Sometims the woman is on her period and sometimes she's not. It helps though to associate smells that come from sex with sex and not "ew, that stinks."
posted by panoptican at 1:10 PM on November 22, 2005
What are your opinions on sex during your period?
I'm easily at my most, um, excitable then.
Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period?
Not really, and the SO certainly doesn't.
Put yourself in her shoes, your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is Ricky, is he being juvenile?
Mine can't stand it, and hates blood. It causes certain difficulties, and frustration, but "juvenile" just doesn't enter into it. If we were to have sex, he wouldn't enjoy it (and might be disturbed to incapacity anyway), so there it stays. It's a sex act that he wouldn't enjoy, and it would feel slimy to get too pushy or insistent about it.
posted by dilettante at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm easily at my most, um, excitable then.
Do you make a distinction between spotting and the actual period?
Not really, and the SO certainly doesn't.
Put yourself in her shoes, your boyfriend suddenly thinks your period is Ricky, is he being juvenile?
Mine can't stand it, and hates blood. It causes certain difficulties, and frustration, but "juvenile" just doesn't enter into it. If we were to have sex, he wouldn't enjoy it (and might be disturbed to incapacity anyway), so there it stays. It's a sex act that he wouldn't enjoy, and it would feel slimy to get too pushy or insistent about it.
posted by dilettante at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2005
You can try Insteads and while the product swears guys won't feel them, that's not true in all positions, but it does keep the mess away.
Alternately, there's sex in the shower, or just dealing with it. It can be awkward and embarassing (if you guys aren't at a place where you can get past it), but it does wash off.
Of course, there are precautions (like having a towel handy), and I'd say sexual adventures like going down on her are out of the question for a while...
posted by nile_red at 1:19 PM on November 22, 2005
Alternately, there's sex in the shower, or just dealing with it. It can be awkward and embarassing (if you guys aren't at a place where you can get past it), but it does wash off.
Of course, there are precautions (like having a towel handy), and I'd say sexual adventures like going down on her are out of the question for a while...
posted by nile_red at 1:19 PM on November 22, 2005
We have a nice red towel, I don't go down on her, and we wash off afterwards. . .otherwise, it's no different.
posted by Danf at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by Danf at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2005
If she is having that much spotting she needs to see a doctor.
posted by konolia at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by konolia at 1:24 PM on November 22, 2005
There's also not a thing he can do about the fact that the smell turns him off and he finds it unpleasant.
Sure there is. Sex smells. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much.
Dude, I'm not talking about sex smell - I'm talking about menstrual smell which can be shocking - hey, *I* smell like that sometimes and I think it's disgusting.
Really, I think you guys are being harsh on this guy - he sucks because his body reacts a certain way to blood/tisse and smell coming from someone's vagina? Is one a juvenile chump for dislking the smell of cigarettes - should you just "suck it up" because your partner smokes and well, if the smell makes you sick, you're an asshole who doesn't appreciate his sexiness?
posted by tristeza at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
Sure there is. Sex smells. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so much.
Dude, I'm not talking about sex smell - I'm talking about menstrual smell which can be shocking - hey, *I* smell like that sometimes and I think it's disgusting.
Really, I think you guys are being harsh on this guy - he sucks because his body reacts a certain way to blood/tisse and smell coming from someone's vagina? Is one a juvenile chump for dislking the smell of cigarettes - should you just "suck it up" because your partner smokes and well, if the smell makes you sick, you're an asshole who doesn't appreciate his sexiness?
posted by tristeza at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
I'm trying to turn this around and imagine how my husband would feel if all of a sudden I refused to give him blow jobs unless he showered immediately beforehand. Given that he farts all the time, and generally (unless he's been roaming around naked) there's a bit of a farty smell going on.
I don't think he'd be too pleased.
I certainly wouldn't like it if he all of a sudden refused to fuck me while I was bleeding. Sex is messy, and that's just one more fluid added to the whole process.
That said, I don't like (receiving) oral sex when I've got my period, because I can't relax enough to come.
posted by gaspode at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2005
I don't think he'd be too pleased.
I certainly wouldn't like it if he all of a sudden refused to fuck me while I was bleeding. Sex is messy, and that's just one more fluid added to the whole process.
That said, I don't like (receiving) oral sex when I've got my period, because I can't relax enough to come.
posted by gaspode at 1:26 PM on November 22, 2005
Not to rag on you, but sex during menstruation is no big deal; if your gal is cool and comfortable with it, you should be too.
By turning it into an icky taboo, you are rejecting an essential aspect of who she is as a woman, and you've proabably hurt her feelings and her pride.
Don't be so bloody uptight!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:27 PM on November 22, 2005
By turning it into an icky taboo, you are rejecting an essential aspect of who she is as a woman, and you've proabably hurt her feelings and her pride.
Don't be so bloody uptight!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:27 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm not a big fan of boinking on my period. (Until this thread. Brautigan made me go all warm and fuzzy, and honestly to look at in a different light.) But dude. Just do it in the shower or something. And maybe not so much with the telling her she stinks.
I've given oral sex to girlfriends when they were on their periods and wearing tampons. Definitely an odd taste, but you get used to it. And why not just suck it up and make her happy? She's not asking you to cut off your dick or anything, and it washes off. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.
Put me down for the little boy side.
posted by kalimac at 1:35 PM on November 22, 2005
I've given oral sex to girlfriends when they were on their periods and wearing tampons. Definitely an odd taste, but you get used to it. And why not just suck it up and make her happy? She's not asking you to cut off your dick or anything, and it washes off. Maybe you'll surprise yourself.
Put me down for the little boy side.
posted by kalimac at 1:35 PM on November 22, 2005
There's also not a thing he can do about the fact that the smell turns him off and he finds it unpleasant.
There's a time to say "I'm having some problems with it, but they're my problems and not your fault" and there's a time to say "your cooch stinks," though the time for the latter is actually pretty rare. One should always be as tactful as possible when complaining about someone else's body.
I don't blame the original poster, because some kinds of spotting barely resemble actual period blood. It's different, and quite obviously a waste product, and it might be even more extreme for someone on Seasonale. I myself don't object to period sex, but I really dislike spotting sex.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:39 PM on November 22, 2005
There's a time to say "I'm having some problems with it, but they're my problems and not your fault" and there's a time to say "your cooch stinks," though the time for the latter is actually pretty rare. One should always be as tactful as possible when complaining about someone else's body.
I don't blame the original poster, because some kinds of spotting barely resemble actual period blood. It's different, and quite obviously a waste product, and it might be even more extreme for someone on Seasonale. I myself don't object to period sex, but I really dislike spotting sex.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:39 PM on November 22, 2005
I just found a couple of different websites that say surveys show about 35% of couples engage in intercourse during the menstrual period. It's obviously not near as common in the "real world" as here at MeFi. I found some interesting links:
A Forum Discussion
An interesting look at this from a man
A very pro-sex-on-period piece from AskMen.com
A collection of links on the subject
While reading some of this I was reminded of the cultural differences and the acceptability of sex at that time. Apparently, in some cultures, it is a non-issue. In others, it is almost universally taboo.
Bottom line: It's between you and your partner.
-
posted by Independent Scholarship at 1:42 PM on November 22, 2005
A Forum Discussion
An interesting look at this from a man
A very pro-sex-on-period piece from AskMen.com
A collection of links on the subject
While reading some of this I was reminded of the cultural differences and the acceptability of sex at that time. Apparently, in some cultures, it is a non-issue. In others, it is almost universally taboo.
Bottom line: It's between you and your partner.
-
posted by Independent Scholarship at 1:42 PM on November 22, 2005
Why would anyone turn down free lube?
But then again, I have a good attitude toward menstruation! That's right, I'm the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!
Oh, I know a lot of men are made uncomfortable by this monthly miracle. But not me. No, I embrace it. Embrace it the way the way some men embrace the weekend! Why I anticipate it the way a child anticipates Christmas!
Did you know that, uh, in alot of native Indian cultures, menstruating woman were forced to leave the village, less they're *powerful* magic should overwhelm the Shaman? If I were Shaman, I wouldn't be so competitive. I'd be more open and giving. I'd be a shaman with... a good attitude towards menstruation!
'Cause after all, what is it? a cluster of blood vessels, awaiting a fertilized egg. Providing a safe warm place for that egg to grow. And if a life does not occur, the whole thing is flushed away, and the cycle begins again. Now is that anything to be ashamed of or disgusted by? No, this is the nesting stuff of humanity!
That's why the woman I shall love will be able to menstruate as fully and freely as she desires. Even if her monthly flow should build in intensity to a raging rust colored torrent! An unbridled river of life giving blood flowing from between her legs! An awesome cataract plunging off the edge of our couch. I wouldn't be fazed! No, no, even if coureur de bois would come up stream, battling the rapids, and singing a 'jaunty song'! I would take no offense, rather I would ford across that mighty womanly river, and fetch herbal tea and Pamprin. And then I would mop her brow and admire her fecundity. For I...Have A Good Attitude....Towards MENSTRUATION!
(apologies to Dave Foley and KITH)
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:43 PM on November 22, 2005
But then again, I have a good attitude toward menstruation! That's right, I'm the guy! The guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!
Oh, I know a lot of men are made uncomfortable by this monthly miracle. But not me. No, I embrace it. Embrace it the way the way some men embrace the weekend! Why I anticipate it the way a child anticipates Christmas!
Did you know that, uh, in alot of native Indian cultures, menstruating woman were forced to leave the village, less they're *powerful* magic should overwhelm the Shaman? If I were Shaman, I wouldn't be so competitive. I'd be more open and giving. I'd be a shaman with... a good attitude towards menstruation!
'Cause after all, what is it? a cluster of blood vessels, awaiting a fertilized egg. Providing a safe warm place for that egg to grow. And if a life does not occur, the whole thing is flushed away, and the cycle begins again. Now is that anything to be ashamed of or disgusted by? No, this is the nesting stuff of humanity!
That's why the woman I shall love will be able to menstruate as fully and freely as she desires. Even if her monthly flow should build in intensity to a raging rust colored torrent! An unbridled river of life giving blood flowing from between her legs! An awesome cataract plunging off the edge of our couch. I wouldn't be fazed! No, no, even if coureur de bois would come up stream, battling the rapids, and singing a 'jaunty song'! I would take no offense, rather I would ford across that mighty womanly river, and fetch herbal tea and Pamprin. And then I would mop her brow and admire her fecundity. For I...Have A Good Attitude....Towards MENSTRUATION!
(apologies to Dave Foley and KITH)
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:43 PM on November 22, 2005
Look, you don't have to go down on her then. That's the compromise. As for sex, well, some WOMEN think that it's gross to have sex during their period and some don't. From my point of view, all actual intercourse sex (and even kissing) is kinda gross if you think too much about it, but so is yoghurt and asswiping. I still eat yoghurt, I still wipe my ass, I still have sex.
So, first off, keep close to her face. You'll smell more of her, not her menstration. Then don't worry about it until it's over. There's a little "Hey, weird, my dick's not bleeding is it?" moment, but just wash off. If you've had your hands anywhere they should be, they're probably a little gross after regular sex anyway, especially if you use lube. It's not a big deal to take a piss and wash off after sex.
I dunno. I'm a straight guy, and I know other guys who get all freaked out about Mapplethorpe photos of a bullwhip up the ass. You just kinda have to disassociate yourself from things sometimes. I mean, if we were talking about that shit on The Learning CHannel when they're giving some fat dude lipo or stapling a girl's face back on? Yeah, that's gross and should be avoided. This? Just laugh at yourself and say it's no big deal. It's part of being a grownup and fucking adult women.
posted by klangklangston at 1:51 PM on November 22, 2005
So, first off, keep close to her face. You'll smell more of her, not her menstration. Then don't worry about it until it's over. There's a little "Hey, weird, my dick's not bleeding is it?" moment, but just wash off. If you've had your hands anywhere they should be, they're probably a little gross after regular sex anyway, especially if you use lube. It's not a big deal to take a piss and wash off after sex.
I dunno. I'm a straight guy, and I know other guys who get all freaked out about Mapplethorpe photos of a bullwhip up the ass. You just kinda have to disassociate yourself from things sometimes. I mean, if we were talking about that shit on The Learning CHannel when they're giving some fat dude lipo or stapling a girl's face back on? Yeah, that's gross and should be avoided. This? Just laugh at yourself and say it's no big deal. It's part of being a grownup and fucking adult women.
posted by klangklangston at 1:51 PM on November 22, 2005
Are you people serious?
As a guy, I can say I've never had this problem; that is, never had sex with a woman on her period (or at least, not one that bled visibly during/after sex.
But I can't believe people's response to "this is a real turn-off and makes me uncomfortable" is "come on, man up and stick it in!"
Fuck, at least the guy was honest with her about it.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:01 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
As a guy, I can say I've never had this problem; that is, never had sex with a woman on her period (or at least, not one that bled visibly during/after sex.
But I can't believe people's response to "this is a real turn-off and makes me uncomfortable" is "come on, man up and stick it in!"
Fuck, at least the guy was honest with her about it.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:01 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
Hell, one time I even wrote my initials on her belly when my fingers got "inked".
Well, that made me throw up in my mouth a little...
I'm with tristeza. I'm a girl and I really wouldn't want to have sex when I'm on my period. Though a lot of that is because I feel icky and sore and tired and just wouldn't want to be touched. I don't think there's anything gross about menstrual blood, but there is a definite smell there and I would completely understand a guy not being comfortable with that. I don't even like it. There's also the fact that some people are freaked out by blood in general.
I know guys who are all "Ew, periods, tampons, LALALA can't hear you!" anytime a girl mentions anything vaguely feminine hygiene-related and that's definitely not cool, but I don't think anon is being that unreasonable.
posted by speranza at 2:15 PM on November 22, 2005
Well, that made me throw up in my mouth a little...
I'm with tristeza. I'm a girl and I really wouldn't want to have sex when I'm on my period. Though a lot of that is because I feel icky and sore and tired and just wouldn't want to be touched. I don't think there's anything gross about menstrual blood, but there is a definite smell there and I would completely understand a guy not being comfortable with that. I don't even like it. There's also the fact that some people are freaked out by blood in general.
I know guys who are all "Ew, periods, tampons, LALALA can't hear you!" anytime a girl mentions anything vaguely feminine hygiene-related and that's definitely not cool, but I don't think anon is being that unreasonable.
posted by speranza at 2:15 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm a lady, and tristeza, I agree with you 100%. I find it ridiculous that a guy is being called a 'little boy' because he is turned off by the smell of menstrual fluid. Sorry, but it can smell really bad, and I can't fathom being offended by a partner who found it icky to get covered with my red goo. If he said "Your snatch smells like death" then that was clearly mean, but if he said it with "dignity and professionalism" (whatever that is in this context), I don't see what the big deal is.
Why should the girl get to make him do something that he is clearly uncomfortable doing? If the sexes were reversed (well.. if there were a comparable situation, anyway) I doubt people would be jumping on the girl for not submitting to the guy's desires if they were making her uncomfortable. Not everyone is comfortable with "nature" - anal sex, oral sex, and period sex are all things that some find fantastic and some find gross. To each his (or her) own. After a week of no sex, he very well may decide to hell with it and fuck her anyway, but he should be be allowed his choice. If it is that big a deal between them, then maybe they just won't work out.
As far as being constructive for the actual problem - perhaps a different BC pill where she menstruates monthly would not cause her the 3 weeks of spotting. Do you think you two could compromise on a switch?
posted by gatorae at 2:18 PM on November 22, 2005
Why should the girl get to make him do something that he is clearly uncomfortable doing? If the sexes were reversed (well.. if there were a comparable situation, anyway) I doubt people would be jumping on the girl for not submitting to the guy's desires if they were making her uncomfortable. Not everyone is comfortable with "nature" - anal sex, oral sex, and period sex are all things that some find fantastic and some find gross. To each his (or her) own. After a week of no sex, he very well may decide to hell with it and fuck her anyway, but he should be be allowed his choice. If it is that big a deal between them, then maybe they just won't work out.
As far as being constructive for the actual problem - perhaps a different BC pill where she menstruates monthly would not cause her the 3 weeks of spotting. Do you think you two could compromise on a switch?
posted by gatorae at 2:18 PM on November 22, 2005
Girl here. Intercourse during period/spotting is fine with me (towel, please!), unless I've got such bad cramps that I'm just not in the mood in general. I certainly don't expect oral sex during my period, though I've had a few partners who've initiated it anyway.
My high school boyfriend, in contrast, started screaming (yes, honest-to-god actual screaming) the first time we had sex when I had my period. He was 16 at the time, and that's still no damn excuse. So in my experience, there is a definite correlation between "men who are cool with the bleedy time" and "men who are cool in general."
posted by scody at 2:22 PM on November 22, 2005
My high school boyfriend, in contrast, started screaming (yes, honest-to-god actual screaming) the first time we had sex when I had my period. He was 16 at the time, and that's still no damn excuse. So in my experience, there is a definite correlation between "men who are cool with the bleedy time" and "men who are cool in general."
posted by scody at 2:22 PM on November 22, 2005
Ask your girlfriend to get a diaphragm. It will catch the blood before it leaves the vagina, which eliminates the mess and odor. From personal experience, it works.
posted by lola at 2:24 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by lola at 2:24 PM on November 22, 2005
Wow, the dude has a particular aversion and everybody beats on him. I don't like brussel sprouts, am I next? He may have been ham-handed about it (we really don't know since we're getting his retelling - perhaps he was more or less delicate in speaking than in summarizing) but he intended to be calm and polite. To which her response was "well how about we just don't screw for three weeks" and he's the childish one? Talk about not being very tolerant of your partner's needs and feelings.
Anon, I think if this thread teaches you anything it should be that a lot of women are very sensitive - to the point of projecting onto other people's questions - about discussions about menstruation and their vaginas. There may be no good way to have this discussion with her, ever, even though you're entitled to your particular foibles. I also think that this thread (and your brouhaha with the girlfriend) should show you that it would be in your best long-term interest if you can learn to not be bothered by whatever aspect it is that's putting you off.
The change in odor isn't just a menstruation thing; diet and health impact it too and the same woman can be different over time. It's something you probably should learn to suck up and deal with. Some of the other 'sex with aunt flo' things vary in annoyance. If just the blood puts you off you're in for a tough road. Have the sex and go find a washcloth quickly after so you can make your 'eww' face in the bathroom where she can't see it. Sometimes things are a little more.... lumpy. If that's what happened and what put you off, it's more unusual than not in my experience.
Anyway, I think you should not beat yourself up over this. You have an aversion. No matter what some people might say it doesn't make you a bad person... unless you're a dick about it. Just be mindful that something that to you is a turn-off is to her apparently more significant - a measurement of her cleanliness and attractiveness. And really, saying you're okay with no sex for a month probably didn't help her self-assurance on that matter any. Throw yourself on your sword here, reassure her she's attractive and desirable to you but this phobia popped up and surprised you, you're sorry you were so ham-fisted in trying to talk about it, can you find some way to get past it together? You don't want to not touch her for a month but you need her help in working on this phobia. If you're sensitive to each other's feelings you'll both work on it.
posted by phearlez at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2005
Anon, I think if this thread teaches you anything it should be that a lot of women are very sensitive - to the point of projecting onto other people's questions - about discussions about menstruation and their vaginas. There may be no good way to have this discussion with her, ever, even though you're entitled to your particular foibles. I also think that this thread (and your brouhaha with the girlfriend) should show you that it would be in your best long-term interest if you can learn to not be bothered by whatever aspect it is that's putting you off.
The change in odor isn't just a menstruation thing; diet and health impact it too and the same woman can be different over time. It's something you probably should learn to suck up and deal with. Some of the other 'sex with aunt flo' things vary in annoyance. If just the blood puts you off you're in for a tough road. Have the sex and go find a washcloth quickly after so you can make your 'eww' face in the bathroom where she can't see it. Sometimes things are a little more.... lumpy. If that's what happened and what put you off, it's more unusual than not in my experience.
Anyway, I think you should not beat yourself up over this. You have an aversion. No matter what some people might say it doesn't make you a bad person... unless you're a dick about it. Just be mindful that something that to you is a turn-off is to her apparently more significant - a measurement of her cleanliness and attractiveness. And really, saying you're okay with no sex for a month probably didn't help her self-assurance on that matter any. Throw yourself on your sword here, reassure her she's attractive and desirable to you but this phobia popped up and surprised you, you're sorry you were so ham-fisted in trying to talk about it, can you find some way to get past it together? You don't want to not touch her for a month but you need her help in working on this phobia. If you're sensitive to each other's feelings you'll both work on it.
posted by phearlez at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2005
Yeah, seriously. Screaming "Aw, you pansy little boy" does not make you look as cool as you think it does.
Everyone has their own turn-ons and turn-offs. I could say that not being into bondage makes YOU a little boy/little girl or whatever just the same, but the fact of the matter is -- if it doesn't work sexually for you, it doesn't work sexually for you.
Having come to that realization, it's up to you to decide whether you want to try to acclimate to it or whether you simply cannot.
And then it's up to you and your GF to decide on the seriousness of the issue and take the appropriate action.
Good luck, man.
posted by Imperfect at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2005
Everyone has their own turn-ons and turn-offs. I could say that not being into bondage makes YOU a little boy/little girl or whatever just the same, but the fact of the matter is -- if it doesn't work sexually for you, it doesn't work sexually for you.
Having come to that realization, it's up to you to decide whether you want to try to acclimate to it or whether you simply cannot.
And then it's up to you and your GF to decide on the seriousness of the issue and take the appropriate action.
Good luck, man.
posted by Imperfect at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm a woman. I don't like to have sex on my period. Part of it is physical -- I get sore and sensitive -- and part of it is a mental thing. When I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, I just want to put in a pad and leave that shit alone, ya know? mr. junkbox is like, "We can go into the shower" and I'm like, "Hand me that heating pad and another box of chocolate babe." But then I'm a person who's never 100% comfortable inhabiting my physical body; every woman is different. I can deal with sex during spotting though, or the light flow at the end of my period.
she was tremendously embarrassed and became quite defensive
That doesn't sound like a Womyn Magick Earth Menses powerchick attitude ("Love me, love my moon blood!"), it sounds like a girl who doesn't like dealing with her period, who feels vaguely ashamed and wants to pretend it isn't happening. (See also: she's on birth control that limits her periods to 4 a year. Coincidence?) Inadvertantly, you may have hit on an emotional hot button here. She feels bad about her period for cultural/religious/personal reasons, and you've made her feel even worse, despite your attempts to be tactful.
I think the only way for you to make things right is to figure out how your girlfriend feels about her period, and take your cue from that. If she thinks it's perfectly natural and NO BIG DEAL, then yeah, it's in your interest to try showers/towels/condoms and just lighten up. However, if she's freaking out about her period and feeling dirty, impure, insecure etc, wanting you to ignore it like it's not even happening, then you need to work on the emotional support and reassurance first. She might even be using sex as a way to reassure herself that she's desireable despite the icky brown mess in her panties. That's an emotional minefield my friend, but maybe you can help her feel better about menstruation, and she can help you deal with sex during her period, and you'll live happily ever after.
posted by junkbox at 2:31 PM on November 22, 2005
she was tremendously embarrassed and became quite defensive
That doesn't sound like a Womyn Magick Earth Menses powerchick attitude ("Love me, love my moon blood!"), it sounds like a girl who doesn't like dealing with her period, who feels vaguely ashamed and wants to pretend it isn't happening. (See also: she's on birth control that limits her periods to 4 a year. Coincidence?) Inadvertantly, you may have hit on an emotional hot button here. She feels bad about her period for cultural/religious/personal reasons, and you've made her feel even worse, despite your attempts to be tactful.
I think the only way for you to make things right is to figure out how your girlfriend feels about her period, and take your cue from that. If she thinks it's perfectly natural and NO BIG DEAL, then yeah, it's in your interest to try showers/towels/condoms and just lighten up. However, if she's freaking out about her period and feeling dirty, impure, insecure etc, wanting you to ignore it like it's not even happening, then you need to work on the emotional support and reassurance first. She might even be using sex as a way to reassure herself that she's desireable despite the icky brown mess in her panties. That's an emotional minefield my friend, but maybe you can help her feel better about menstruation, and she can help you deal with sex during her period, and you'll live happily ever after.
posted by junkbox at 2:31 PM on November 22, 2005
The OP asked what the ladies think. It's not like people are picking on him for no reason.
And to answer that question, another vote for juvenile. I've never had a guy care since college, and I guarantee you that if my SO wasn't nailing me because I was bleedy, he wouldn't be nailing me any other time either. But I'm not your girlfriend, so maybe she is amenable.
Also, I think the blood smells kinda good. So I am clearly on the far end of the bell curve.
posted by dame at 2:35 PM on November 22, 2005
And to answer that question, another vote for juvenile. I've never had a guy care since college, and I guarantee you that if my SO wasn't nailing me because I was bleedy, he wouldn't be nailing me any other time either. But I'm not your girlfriend, so maybe she is amenable.
Also, I think the blood smells kinda good. So I am clearly on the far end of the bell curve.
posted by dame at 2:35 PM on November 22, 2005
it sounds like a girl who doesn't like dealing with her period, who feels vaguely ashamed and wants to pretend it isn't happening.
Actually, the birth control pills that make you only have four periods are often used my women that have very long, painful periods. I get horrible PMS before my period, as well as very bad cramps and migraine bad enough to stop me doing much of anything for at least two days during it. I wish I only had four periods a year for those reasons alone.
Also, anon says his girlfriend travels a lot, so that might be a factor...periods are a hassle. I don't think it's fair to suggest that anon's girlfriend has issues with her body or her period. If anon did indeed tell her that he thought she smelled, then of course she would be embarrassed and defensive!
posted by speranza at 2:44 PM on November 22, 2005
Actually, the birth control pills that make you only have four periods are often used my women that have very long, painful periods. I get horrible PMS before my period, as well as very bad cramps and migraine bad enough to stop me doing much of anything for at least two days during it. I wish I only had four periods a year for those reasons alone.
Also, anon says his girlfriend travels a lot, so that might be a factor...periods are a hassle. I don't think it's fair to suggest that anon's girlfriend has issues with her body or her period. If anon did indeed tell her that he thought she smelled, then of course she would be embarrassed and defensive!
posted by speranza at 2:44 PM on November 22, 2005
WTF, why is the man obligated to enjoy sex while the woman is on her period?
I mean, if anything, biologically thinking, men should be turned OFF during a woman's period... She is practically guaranteed 100% infertile... And the purpose of sex-drive in the first place is for impregnation.
Furthermore, there are 1000s of fetishes out there, viewable on the net (believe me, I've seen them all).. And yet, menstruation is VERY low on the popularity list, well below some otherwise disgusting fetishes... The reason for that is the same as I just listed above..
So, give the guy a break. If he doesn't like period sex, he doesn't like it. I don't blame him.. I love women, and their many odors, but the smell of period (which is not just the smell of blood) is simply not a turn-on for me, and apparently him as well.
posted by eas98 at 2:44 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
I mean, if anything, biologically thinking, men should be turned OFF during a woman's period... She is practically guaranteed 100% infertile... And the purpose of sex-drive in the first place is for impregnation.
Furthermore, there are 1000s of fetishes out there, viewable on the net (believe me, I've seen them all).. And yet, menstruation is VERY low on the popularity list, well below some otherwise disgusting fetishes... The reason for that is the same as I just listed above..
So, give the guy a break. If he doesn't like period sex, he doesn't like it. I don't blame him.. I love women, and their many odors, but the smell of period (which is not just the smell of blood) is simply not a turn-on for me, and apparently him as well.
posted by eas98 at 2:44 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
My objections were not to his distaste for the smell, sight, or sounds, but rather to his approach. It sounded like a childish rant about not getting what he wanted (and that's that) rather than thinking about why the sex is occuring and what he is (vs. should be, in my opinion) getting out of it. I purport that he may consider it for her good even if his sensibilities are offended slightly, because sometimes it just has to go that way - especially for something as intimate as this.
posted by kcm at 2:50 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by kcm at 2:50 PM on November 22, 2005
I would think that if fluid--whether discharge or blood--coming from a vagina smells so bad you cannot sexually function, the lady partner needs to go visit her doctor.
1. Free lube.
2. Hell, heated lube.
3. It's not going to stain.
As long as women have been menstruating (granted, it has been more often in modern times), couples have been getting it on. Don't let these modern ideas of natural bodily functions as disgusting, horrible things sway your love for the vagina they come from!
posted by sian at 2:57 PM on November 22, 2005
1. Free lube.
2. Hell, heated lube.
3. It's not going to stain.
As long as women have been menstruating (granted, it has been more often in modern times), couples have been getting it on. Don't let these modern ideas of natural bodily functions as disgusting, horrible things sway your love for the vagina they come from!
posted by sian at 2:57 PM on November 22, 2005
It's not going to stain your skin, that is. Red towels take care of the rest.
posted by sian at 2:57 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by sian at 2:57 PM on November 22, 2005
I mean, if anything, biologically thinking, men should be turned OFF during a woman's period... She is practically guaranteed 100% infertile... And the purpose of sex-drive in the first place is for impregnation.
Yes, it's possible for a woman to become pregnant during her menstrual period.
posted by scody at 2:58 PM on November 22, 2005
Yes, it's possible for a woman to become pregnant during her menstrual period.
posted by scody at 2:58 PM on November 22, 2005
You can be all "ooohh, icky" and that's not the worst thing in the world. It's sort of prissy, is all. Or you could just get over it, retrain your mind, accept that it's blood, albeit a particular form of blood, it smells different, it's great lubricant, it's no big deal, and you'd be a lot sexier.
posted by theora55 at 3:00 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by theora55 at 3:00 PM on November 22, 2005
Men: What is your personal policy about sex during the period?
Hell Yes
I'm movin this way
I'm doin this thing
Hell Yes
I'm turnin it on
I'm workin my legs
Hell Yes
I'm callin you out
I'm switchin my plates
Hell Yes
I'm cleanin the floor
My beat is correct
(Bath sheet)
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:32 PM on November 22, 2005
Hell Yes
I'm movin this way
I'm doin this thing
Hell Yes
I'm turnin it on
I'm workin my legs
Hell Yes
I'm callin you out
I'm switchin my plates
Hell Yes
I'm cleanin the floor
My beat is correct
(Bath sheet)
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:32 PM on November 22, 2005
If the smell is really the major issue more so than the blood, what about showering/bathing together as part of your sexual repertoire during her period?
posted by scody at 3:45 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by scody at 3:45 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm just curious at this point:
If you're girlfriend is really horny and clearly wanting you are you REALLY gonna hold out for three weeks? 'Cause me money is on "hell no" :)
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:00 PM on November 22, 2005
If you're girlfriend is really horny and clearly wanting you are you REALLY gonna hold out for three weeks? 'Cause me money is on "hell no" :)
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:00 PM on November 22, 2005
it's probably easier for me to say "you'll get used to it" since you don't (and will never) get it.
i'm pretty comfortable with guys getting grossed out by the idea. i don't take it personally and i just figured if it turns them off, why bother trying to be romantic. i'd be happy just playing video games while drinking wine then go to bed snuggling.
what concerns me however is the fact that you mentioned "smell". everyone gets that smell during period but the intensity differs. maybe she's aware of the fact that hers is more intense than others and is something she is already embarrassed about. obviously, when someone she likes to feel close to mentions it, i can see why she'd take the offense level an extra mile.
my suggestion for you at this point is just tell her that it's not her but just the idea in general is what turns you off. to remind her that you still want to feel close to her, touch her and snuggle with her when she's having a period. i think that should go well.
if she insists that you need to get turned on no matter what though...well, then, i guess you have a choice: get used to it somehow or ...err.. not.
posted by grafholic at 4:05 PM on November 22, 2005
i'm pretty comfortable with guys getting grossed out by the idea. i don't take it personally and i just figured if it turns them off, why bother trying to be romantic. i'd be happy just playing video games while drinking wine then go to bed snuggling.
what concerns me however is the fact that you mentioned "smell". everyone gets that smell during period but the intensity differs. maybe she's aware of the fact that hers is more intense than others and is something she is already embarrassed about. obviously, when someone she likes to feel close to mentions it, i can see why she'd take the offense level an extra mile.
my suggestion for you at this point is just tell her that it's not her but just the idea in general is what turns you off. to remind her that you still want to feel close to her, touch her and snuggle with her when she's having a period. i think that should go well.
if she insists that you need to get turned on no matter what though...well, then, i guess you have a choice: get used to it somehow or ...err.. not.
posted by grafholic at 4:05 PM on November 22, 2005
If she is having that much spotting she needs to see a doctor
seriously. the thing about the birth control suppressing the period to once every four months with three weeks of spotting is *very* dangerous.
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:06 PM on November 22, 2005
seriously. the thing about the birth control suppressing the period to once every four months with three weeks of spotting is *very* dangerous.
posted by 3.2.3 at 4:06 PM on November 22, 2005
To me, vaginal sex during menstruation is a great big turnoff. Blood has a tendency (in my experience) to be a terrible lube because the friction causes things to become stickier and/or crunchier than slippery. The smell is also off-putting, whereas normally my wife smells pretty damned great to me.
Finally, blood and and clots all over my johnson looks like one thing to me: the results of violent rape. And, even though I know that's not the case, the unshakeable mental image makes me ill. Even thinking about it once during the act is enough to completely kill my erection.
That said, there's plenty of other fun to be had for that week...
posted by Irontom at 4:07 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
Finally, blood and and clots all over my johnson looks like one thing to me: the results of violent rape. And, even though I know that's not the case, the unshakeable mental image makes me ill. Even thinking about it once during the act is enough to completely kill my erection.
That said, there's plenty of other fun to be had for that week...
posted by Irontom at 4:07 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
Agreed that she should see her doctor about the spotting. It could be due to the birth control pills, but also it could be there for several other reasons; hypothyroidism, fibroids, etc.
The smell turns *me* off, and I am a woman. I completely understand not wanting to have sex due to the smell. Is she on any other medications, including vitamins? Some meds can cause body odor to increase. If she is willing to work with you on this, perhaps she could also ask the doctor about the smell.
Honestly, I think she is the one being juvenile. If anyone is allowed to tell me that I smell, it's my partner. And I would rather he told me so that I can fix the problem, than just let it go and have him suffer. It's a partnership, and your partner should be willing to work with you on issues. (Though, during my period I know that I am hormonal and emotional, you might want to talk to her after it's done and the hormones have subsided.)
posted by veronitron at 4:17 PM on November 22, 2005
The smell turns *me* off, and I am a woman. I completely understand not wanting to have sex due to the smell. Is she on any other medications, including vitamins? Some meds can cause body odor to increase. If she is willing to work with you on this, perhaps she could also ask the doctor about the smell.
Honestly, I think she is the one being juvenile. If anyone is allowed to tell me that I smell, it's my partner. And I would rather he told me so that I can fix the problem, than just let it go and have him suffer. It's a partnership, and your partner should be willing to work with you on issues. (Though, during my period I know that I am hormonal and emotional, you might want to talk to her after it's done and the hormones have subsided.)
posted by veronitron at 4:17 PM on November 22, 2005
Have sex in the shower.
posted by dagnyscott at 4:19 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by dagnyscott at 4:19 PM on November 22, 2005
This may or may not apply, but I went from tolerance to enjoyment after one particularly charged bout of mid-period animal sex.
Prior to that, I was squeamish about the smell and the smearing. Now I just smile and laugh if I find a bloody fingerprint on the headboard.
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:28 PM on November 22, 2005
Prior to that, I was squeamish about the smell and the smearing. Now I just smile and laugh if I find a bloody fingerprint on the headboard.
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:28 PM on November 22, 2005
(and I expect the same will happen to you, if you really try to go three weeks at a time, with a horny girl in your house.)
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:29 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by I Love Tacos at 4:29 PM on November 22, 2005
Men: What is your personal policy about sex during the period?
I find it quite a turn-on. I hope that doesn't make me a pervert. Actually, I don't care whether it does...
posted by Decani at 4:40 PM on November 22, 2005
I find it quite a turn-on. I hope that doesn't make me a pervert. Actually, I don't care whether it does...
posted by Decani at 4:40 PM on November 22, 2005
Oh, and PS - whatever you do, for god's sake DON'T SUGGEST SHE DOUCHE. And if she already does, that's a concern and might be increasing, not mitigating, the smell problem.
posted by tristeza at 4:41 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by tristeza at 4:41 PM on November 22, 2005
First - I'm a man, I don't mind the period, I'll do it just about anytime my partner wants me to.
BUT, although the poster asked for opinions, the "little boy" harshness is too much.
The issue is simple: there are times when he's not comfortable having sex with his woman.
What's the problem with that? The reason.
There are times my woman doesn't want to have sex with me. Should I call her a baby and try to shame her into "getting used to" having sex when she doesn't actually want to?
There are some smells that would definitely prevent me from having sex. I'm lucky, none of them appear to come from female humans. This poster is not so lucky.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:50 PM on November 22, 2005
BUT, although the poster asked for opinions, the "little boy" harshness is too much.
The issue is simple: there are times when he's not comfortable having sex with his woman.
What's the problem with that? The reason.
There are times my woman doesn't want to have sex with me. Should I call her a baby and try to shame her into "getting used to" having sex when she doesn't actually want to?
There are some smells that would definitely prevent me from having sex. I'm lucky, none of them appear to come from female humans. This poster is not so lucky.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:50 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm surprised she isn't considering dumping you over this. A guy that refuses to have sex with me when I'm on my period... ever? And I'm on a birth control method that causes a lot of spotting, so "ever" can mean 3+ weeks at a time? (Is she on seasonale or a continual-use nuva ring? That can cause spotting like hell and it is not abnormal). Man, that would be a major sticking point for me. No, quality is not always more important than quantity. Regular sex is an important part of at least my relationships, and I can tell you I would be *very* upset with you in this situation.
But seriously, I do know what you're talking about with that "menstural blood" smell and I can say this: it is usually only strong at the very heavy points in the flow, and using tampons can definitely make it less so. If you want to work through this, I would reccommend instead of "never ever when you're bleeding", trying it when the blood isn't that bad (which should be often if she's mostly spotting), and seeing if she can't use tampons more (if she isn't now) to cut back on the smell a bit.
I strongly, strongly reccommend compromising on this one if you value this relationship.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:59 PM on November 22, 2005
But seriously, I do know what you're talking about with that "menstural blood" smell and I can say this: it is usually only strong at the very heavy points in the flow, and using tampons can definitely make it less so. If you want to work through this, I would reccommend instead of "never ever when you're bleeding", trying it when the blood isn't that bad (which should be often if she's mostly spotting), and seeing if she can't use tampons more (if she isn't now) to cut back on the smell a bit.
I strongly, strongly reccommend compromising on this one if you value this relationship.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:59 PM on November 22, 2005
If you're grossed out, you're not going to be turned on and the sex isn't going to be any good anyway. I think you just need to make it clear that it's not a reflection on her as a person at all. Perhaps you could offer to come visit her on a mon-thurs? (wasn't quite clear on the particulars) for some non-period lovin.
The point is, everyone has their turnons and turnoffs, and "suck it up and deal" is not a legitimate response to something that is clearly something that is generally beyond someone's control to change their response to.
You might consider suggesting other forms of intimacy (snuggling, making out, that sort of thing). I'm not sure how well the "i dont wanna sleep with you now, but you can blow me if you want" thing would work, but I guess that depends on your gf.
I'd expect the same reaction from her if you had an equivalent smell/blood combination.
And, as South Park says, never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
posted by softlord at 5:25 PM on November 22, 2005
The point is, everyone has their turnons and turnoffs, and "suck it up and deal" is not a legitimate response to something that is clearly something that is generally beyond someone's control to change their response to.
You might consider suggesting other forms of intimacy (snuggling, making out, that sort of thing). I'm not sure how well the "i dont wanna sleep with you now, but you can blow me if you want" thing would work, but I guess that depends on your gf.
I'd expect the same reaction from her if you had an equivalent smell/blood combination.
And, as South Park says, never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
posted by softlord at 5:25 PM on November 22, 2005
she's not your sex toy to be cleaned and put away until it's perfect for you.
kcm: I love you!
As a woman, this is exactly the attitude I would be looking for.
posted by arcticwoman at 5:41 PM on November 22, 2005
kcm: I love you!
As a woman, this is exactly the attitude I would be looking for.
posted by arcticwoman at 5:41 PM on November 22, 2005
I second those who recommended use of a rubber/silicon Diva or Keeper for the weekend engagement. That plus a bit of a rinse, some lubricant and keeping your nose next to hers should make everything just fine. And don't forget you have hands, both of you! Good luck with it.
posted by fish tick at 5:51 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by fish tick at 5:51 PM on November 22, 2005
Since it sounds like this is a single incident of her not smelling so fresh (entirely natural) and you getting grossed out by it (also entirely natural), could you not meet each other half way, rather than going to this extreme of only ever having sex when she's absolutely, positively not even spotting? I guess I don't quite get how you went from "no problem" to "no way" over a single incident, is it possible that you can get over it on the days when she's not AS "spotty" as others? If it didn't bother you before, surely you could try to get back to that state.
I'm ambivalent about this issue myself. I don't particularly like having sex when I have my period and I'm definitely not at all offended if my partner doesn't want to have sex then. I don't think it means anything more than different people have different tastes.
posted by biscotti at 6:25 PM on November 22, 2005
I'm ambivalent about this issue myself. I don't particularly like having sex when I have my period and I'm definitely not at all offended if my partner doesn't want to have sex then. I don't think it means anything more than different people have different tastes.
posted by biscotti at 6:25 PM on November 22, 2005
You just need to talk about this issue more. 3+ weeks w/o sex might be easy for you but incomprehensible to her.
posted by sid at 6:34 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by sid at 6:34 PM on November 22, 2005
To those who compared a woman's period to smoking, brussel sprouts, and bondage: that's offensive. You don't have to be a granola feminazi to consider your period an essential part of womanhood, in which many women hold a large part of their identity. Some HAVE to think of it that way--especially the ones that get really long, heavy periods--otherwise it would be simply unbearable. It's not a flavor of pie to dig into or turn your nose up at. It's much more hurtful for your partner to dislike the smell of something that's such a core part of your femininity than some chosen habit, food or fetish.
That said, I want to be helpful. I'm also a woman who gets randy during her period, but I've always felt a little self-conscious about doing it as well. I normally don't during my heavy days, but I'd be disappointed if my partner were completely against it all the time. I second doing it in the shower. That should help. You could use all kinds of fun good-smelling products to help take your mind off the smell. I don't think any man is obligated to give oral when the girl's on her period (it's hard enough to get them to do it on a normal day sometimes, lol). Does it really smell so strong that you can't have intercourse? Depending on both of you, there may be ways you can get each other off without even fully undressing (thus eliminating the need to even remove her chosen feminine product). Be creative! And any of the above mentioned products are probably worth a try. Also, again it's different for every woman, but I time my BC pills so that I get my first day of my period on a Monday. By Friday night, it's pretty much all over (as far as he can tell). I'd try to wait until the perfect moment to suggest this, of course, even if she weren't already a bit pissed. Compromise is best. Do it on her lighter days, don't do oral, whatever. But I don't think either of you really wants you to cut her off totally.
Like some others, I have a hard time believing that when push comes to shove, a red-blooded man is really going to say "no thanks" to a lovely lady who wants to have sex with him. Especially three weekends in a row. So if I were you, I'd try my best to get past it however you can. Use it as a reason to think of new ways to please her. Then hopefully you can learn to love her period along with all the other parts of her. All her girlfriends will be jealous.
posted by lampoil at 6:47 PM on November 22, 2005
That said, I want to be helpful. I'm also a woman who gets randy during her period, but I've always felt a little self-conscious about doing it as well. I normally don't during my heavy days, but I'd be disappointed if my partner were completely against it all the time. I second doing it in the shower. That should help. You could use all kinds of fun good-smelling products to help take your mind off the smell. I don't think any man is obligated to give oral when the girl's on her period (it's hard enough to get them to do it on a normal day sometimes, lol). Does it really smell so strong that you can't have intercourse? Depending on both of you, there may be ways you can get each other off without even fully undressing (thus eliminating the need to even remove her chosen feminine product). Be creative! And any of the above mentioned products are probably worth a try. Also, again it's different for every woman, but I time my BC pills so that I get my first day of my period on a Monday. By Friday night, it's pretty much all over (as far as he can tell). I'd try to wait until the perfect moment to suggest this, of course, even if she weren't already a bit pissed. Compromise is best. Do it on her lighter days, don't do oral, whatever. But I don't think either of you really wants you to cut her off totally.
Like some others, I have a hard time believing that when push comes to shove, a red-blooded man is really going to say "no thanks" to a lovely lady who wants to have sex with him. Especially three weekends in a row. So if I were you, I'd try my best to get past it however you can. Use it as a reason to think of new ways to please her. Then hopefully you can learn to love her period along with all the other parts of her. All her girlfriends will be jealous.
posted by lampoil at 6:47 PM on November 22, 2005
Try Vic's Vaporub under the nose? Works for EMTs and crime scene cops.
posted by availablelight at 7:35 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by availablelight at 7:35 PM on November 22, 2005
Are you/she sure that she doesn't have some other underlying issue going on which might be causing her smell to be much worst than it should be? You mentioned that on the occasion that the smell really bothered you, she seemed to be noticing and checking it out as well.
Menstrual blood does obviously have a distinct odor, but when it's just freshly exiting the body, the smell is not usually that rancid and strong. It usually only starts to stink badly when it's been sitting around exposed to air for a while, like on a used maxipad thats been sitting around in the trashbin all day.
Perhaps you are this averse to the smell because you are picking up on the smell of something wrong. I am a woman. I don't mind sex on my period, and I would appreciate it if my partners didn't either. I do understand though that some guys might not be that open to it. Rather than just assuming this guy is an insensitive asshole right away though... perhaps his reaction to her strong smell is justified? I mean, maybe she has a medical issue which is causing her to smell much worse than normal menstruation does. A yeast infection perhaps? I don't know... there are plenty of things that can go off balance down there. Maybe there is more to this "terrible smell" than just his sensitivity to it.
posted by RoseovSharon at 8:01 PM on November 22, 2005
Menstrual blood does obviously have a distinct odor, but when it's just freshly exiting the body, the smell is not usually that rancid and strong. It usually only starts to stink badly when it's been sitting around exposed to air for a while, like on a used maxipad thats been sitting around in the trashbin all day.
Perhaps you are this averse to the smell because you are picking up on the smell of something wrong. I am a woman. I don't mind sex on my period, and I would appreciate it if my partners didn't either. I do understand though that some guys might not be that open to it. Rather than just assuming this guy is an insensitive asshole right away though... perhaps his reaction to her strong smell is justified? I mean, maybe she has a medical issue which is causing her to smell much worse than normal menstruation does. A yeast infection perhaps? I don't know... there are plenty of things that can go off balance down there. Maybe there is more to this "terrible smell" than just his sensitivity to it.
posted by RoseovSharon at 8:01 PM on November 22, 2005
The smell is due to air coming in contact with the blood. It's not necessarily pleasant in my opinion either. When I first used the Instead cups, I was quite surprised that the blood had absolutely no odor.
If you are not comfortable, I am surprised she would be offended - why would a woman want to have sex with a guy who she knew was in an uncomfortable situation? I myself wouldn't be able to let go and relax in that instance.
Spotting is different from a full blown period in that it's lighter and doesn't clot. Usually, when I say "spotting" it's a brownish as opposed to red.
I am as open, knowledgeable and adventurous with my body as can be, yet I despise sex on my period in most instances. I just don't feel sexy when I'm making a mess and know it.
That said, I always found it odd that while working as an exotic dancer, I always made the most money while I had my period. Pheromones definitely are a funny thing.
posted by Iamtherealme at 9:27 PM on November 22, 2005
If you are not comfortable, I am surprised she would be offended - why would a woman want to have sex with a guy who she knew was in an uncomfortable situation? I myself wouldn't be able to let go and relax in that instance.
Spotting is different from a full blown period in that it's lighter and doesn't clot. Usually, when I say "spotting" it's a brownish as opposed to red.
I am as open, knowledgeable and adventurous with my body as can be, yet I despise sex on my period in most instances. I just don't feel sexy when I'm making a mess and know it.
That said, I always found it odd that while working as an exotic dancer, I always made the most money while I had my period. Pheromones definitely are a funny thing.
posted by Iamtherealme at 9:27 PM on November 22, 2005
Definitely don't try sex while Diva or Keeper in place. The way they rest in the vagina makes it pretty much impossible, and should you try it, well, probably really painful. Stick to Insteads or a diaphragm. Or have her switch to a different pill which can help her periods become more regular.
posted by Sara Anne at 9:49 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by Sara Anne at 9:49 PM on November 22, 2005
Years ago, the package insert on Insteads said it was ok to have sex with them in place - now this statement is missing. Before we advocate their use DURING intercourse, anyone know why this was edited out?
posted by Iamtherealme at 9:52 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by Iamtherealme at 9:52 PM on November 22, 2005
Their webpage still says it is ok to leave it in during sex.
posted by Kellydamnit at 9:55 PM on November 22, 2005
posted by Kellydamnit at 9:55 PM on November 22, 2005
Thank you Joseph Gurl!
I'm a guy, and you folks are out of your friggin' minds here. Look, like Joseph, I've got nooooo problem with sex whenever she says "go".
But, let me tell you--in my relationship, there's plenty of times when I want to, and she doesn't--does that make her a "little girl"? Or is it just because there's the sacred menstrual blood involved that makes it OK to pile on this guy? And is "not tonight, I don't feel like it" different?
Or--is it OK for the gal to say "no" but not the guy? Hey, I like the smell of her sweaty, she doesn't recriprocate that particular thing--that doesn't make her bad.
Come on, guys. Huge double standard here. If either party in a relationship doesn't want sex, and expresses such in a respectful manner, the other party should respect their wishes.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 10:09 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
I'm a guy, and you folks are out of your friggin' minds here. Look, like Joseph, I've got nooooo problem with sex whenever she says "go".
But, let me tell you--in my relationship, there's plenty of times when I want to, and she doesn't--does that make her a "little girl"? Or is it just because there's the sacred menstrual blood involved that makes it OK to pile on this guy? And is "not tonight, I don't feel like it" different?
Or--is it OK for the gal to say "no" but not the guy? Hey, I like the smell of her sweaty, she doesn't recriprocate that particular thing--that doesn't make her bad.
Come on, guys. Huge double standard here. If either party in a relationship doesn't want sex, and expresses such in a respectful manner, the other party should respect their wishes.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 10:09 PM on November 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
If either party in a relationship doesn't want sex, and expresses such in a respectful manner, the other party should respect their wishes.
He's simultaneously stated that he won't have sex when blood might be present (3 weeks out of 4 in this case), and is also unwilling to go three weeks without sex.
The only way his girlfriend can respect his current wishes are:
a) change her menstrual flow
b) dump him
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:27 AM on November 23, 2005
He's simultaneously stated that he won't have sex when blood might be present (3 weeks out of 4 in this case), and is also unwilling to go three weeks without sex.
The only way his girlfriend can respect his current wishes are:
a) change her menstrual flow
b) dump him
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:27 AM on November 23, 2005
"I have a hard time believing that when push comes to shove, a red-blooded man is really going to say 'no thanks' to a lovely lady who wants to have sex with him."
I really hate this attitude. Going three weeks without sex seems like no big deal to me and you guys are going apeshit bananas over it. But more than that it's the stereotype that men are horndogs with some switch that women can turn on at will. Most women despise this attitude in men about women's readiness or interest in sex but they're comfortable with it as an expectation with their partners? That's not right.
Anyway, I'm doing some hard thinking on this as I have my well-known theory about the acceptability of semen and any problems I have with menses is at least minimally hypocritical. But the thing is, I'm pretty fastidious about sex. (Oh, and let's lose this assumption that this guy is inherently a prude and you're going to turn him on to the fantastic world beyond missionary style—could you be more condescending and presumptious?) I like anal play but insist on lots of um, preparation for both parties and, frankly, even then I still have unrealistic expectations for cleanliness and so I'm usually a little weirded out. No santorum for me. I can't imagine expecting my partner to be comfortable with me farting, or smelling farts, while she's fellating me—but one commenter above uses that an example of what she thinks is normal for her to tolerate. I don't expect my partner to fellate me when that area between my dick and balls has gotten all funky.
Part of the thread that I've detected here is a connection to the animal instinct and such and that's why, putting aside all the other good reasons, this shouldn't be a problem for anyone. But there's lots of different kinds of sex, lots of different ways of doing it, and lots of different preferences. So is the down-and-dirty animal-thing the only "authentic" sex? I'm somewhat fastidious. I don't want to be very un-fastidious during sex because that's not really what I want out of sex.
Maybe this is partly a generational thing. I'm 41. I had to work to bring myself into accordance with my beliefs and values with regard to menstruation. But I'm still just not that comfortable having intercourse with it and certainly not cunninlingus. I think that the natural vaginal lube is great. I don't mind a minor yeast infection. But I'm not comfortable with menses and generally (but not as some rigid rule) in all my relationships we've not had sex during her period. This thread is food for thought and I'm certain I now think I need to be much more accepting; but given that our culture has pretty much traditionally been quite negative about menses, even though that's changing, I don't think it's fair to expect even the more sex-positive men like myself to automatically think it's fantastic.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 3:09 AM on November 23, 2005
I really hate this attitude. Going three weeks without sex seems like no big deal to me and you guys are going apeshit bananas over it. But more than that it's the stereotype that men are horndogs with some switch that women can turn on at will. Most women despise this attitude in men about women's readiness or interest in sex but they're comfortable with it as an expectation with their partners? That's not right.
Anyway, I'm doing some hard thinking on this as I have my well-known theory about the acceptability of semen and any problems I have with menses is at least minimally hypocritical. But the thing is, I'm pretty fastidious about sex. (Oh, and let's lose this assumption that this guy is inherently a prude and you're going to turn him on to the fantastic world beyond missionary style—could you be more condescending and presumptious?) I like anal play but insist on lots of um, preparation for both parties and, frankly, even then I still have unrealistic expectations for cleanliness and so I'm usually a little weirded out. No santorum for me. I can't imagine expecting my partner to be comfortable with me farting, or smelling farts, while she's fellating me—but one commenter above uses that an example of what she thinks is normal for her to tolerate. I don't expect my partner to fellate me when that area between my dick and balls has gotten all funky.
Part of the thread that I've detected here is a connection to the animal instinct and such and that's why, putting aside all the other good reasons, this shouldn't be a problem for anyone. But there's lots of different kinds of sex, lots of different ways of doing it, and lots of different preferences. So is the down-and-dirty animal-thing the only "authentic" sex? I'm somewhat fastidious. I don't want to be very un-fastidious during sex because that's not really what I want out of sex.
Maybe this is partly a generational thing. I'm 41. I had to work to bring myself into accordance with my beliefs and values with regard to menstruation. But I'm still just not that comfortable having intercourse with it and certainly not cunninlingus. I think that the natural vaginal lube is great. I don't mind a minor yeast infection. But I'm not comfortable with menses and generally (but not as some rigid rule) in all my relationships we've not had sex during her period. This thread is food for thought and I'm certain I now think I need to be much more accepting; but given that our culture has pretty much traditionally been quite negative about menses, even though that's changing, I don't think it's fair to expect even the more sex-positive men like myself to automatically think it's fantastic.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 3:09 AM on November 23, 2005
The thread seems to have drifted away from the original topic as people respond based on what they think they read. Just as a reminder, here's the original poster's response with a few clarifications.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:56 AM on November 23, 2005
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:56 AM on November 23, 2005
Oh, you have an amazing nose. That explains everything.
posted by jon_kill at 6:25 AM on November 23, 2005
posted by jon_kill at 6:25 AM on November 23, 2005
Vick's Vapo-rub, my friend.
And Rikitiki: My girlfriend often doesn't want to have sex as often as I do. However, if the pattern was only sex during one weekend per month due to some natural condition, I'd have serious problem with that.
posted by klangklangston at 11:12 AM on November 23, 2005
And Rikitiki: My girlfriend often doesn't want to have sex as often as I do. However, if the pattern was only sex during one weekend per month due to some natural condition, I'd have serious problem with that.
posted by klangklangston at 11:12 AM on November 23, 2005
I Love Tacos wrote:
He's simultaneously stated that he won't have sex when blood might be present (3 weeks out of 4 in this case), and is also unwilling to go three weeks without sex.
Nope, that's not what he said:
She asked if it was ok for me that we don't have sex for 3 (or more) weeks at a time. I truthfully responded 'yes.' Wrong answer.
RTFQ
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:45 PM on November 23, 2005
He's simultaneously stated that he won't have sex when blood might be present (3 weeks out of 4 in this case), and is also unwilling to go three weeks without sex.
Nope, that's not what he said:
She asked if it was ok for me that we don't have sex for 3 (or more) weeks at a time. I truthfully responded 'yes.' Wrong answer.
RTFQ
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:45 PM on November 23, 2005
"I have a hard time believing that when push comes to shove, a red-blooded man is really going to say 'no thanks' to a lovely lady who wants to have sex with him."
I really hate this attitude. Going three weeks without sex seems like no big deal to me and you guys are going apeshit bananas over it. But more than that it's the stereotype that men are horndogs with some switch that women can turn on at will. Most women despise this attitude in men about women's readiness or interest in sex but they're comfortable with it as an expectation with their partners? That's not right.
We're talking about his life partner here. And we're not talking about one isolated stretch of three weeks, we're talking about three weeks out of every month. Of course almost everyone has long stretches without sex when they're single or in a long-distance relationship and it's completely fine. But this guy is going to lay in bed with his woman, three out of every four weekends, when she's up for it, and say "no thanks" time and time again? Maybe, but I doubt it. If he didn't want to figure it out, he wouldn't have asked.
posted by lampoil at 6:59 AM on November 29, 2005
I really hate this attitude. Going three weeks without sex seems like no big deal to me and you guys are going apeshit bananas over it. But more than that it's the stereotype that men are horndogs with some switch that women can turn on at will. Most women despise this attitude in men about women's readiness or interest in sex but they're comfortable with it as an expectation with their partners? That's not right.
We're talking about his life partner here. And we're not talking about one isolated stretch of three weeks, we're talking about three weeks out of every month. Of course almost everyone has long stretches without sex when they're single or in a long-distance relationship and it's completely fine. But this guy is going to lay in bed with his woman, three out of every four weekends, when she's up for it, and say "no thanks" time and time again? Maybe, but I doubt it. If he didn't want to figure it out, he wouldn't have asked.
posted by lampoil at 6:59 AM on November 29, 2005
Y'know, not to attack the poster, but I don't see how some guys can be ok with anal sex and not ok with menstrual sex, they're both messy and to me, anal's always smelled much worse. I'd just restate the sex-in-the-shower option. It'll smell like the shower, and there's an easy clean off right there. That way you can avoid the major turn offs for you...just don't slip.
posted by nile_red at 2:59 PM on November 29, 2005
posted by nile_red at 2:59 PM on November 29, 2005
anonymous / elastic.scorn, I know I'm coming to this late, but I wanted to drop in and say you've just had a a pile of completely unfair aggression poured on you for what sounds like a natural and understandable response to this, and not quite enough balance.
I don't think you're a child. There wasn't any good way for you to bring this up with your girlfriend - whatever you could have said would have resulted in her being pissy. But her getting pissy was as natural and understandable as you being squicked out.
Maybe you could try and 'do it in the shower' as someone suggested.
And my humble opinion is that the '(sacred/sexy) blood' people in this thread are way more crackers than you are.
posted by The Monkey at 5:14 PM on November 30, 2005
I don't think you're a child. There wasn't any good way for you to bring this up with your girlfriend - whatever you could have said would have resulted in her being pissy. But her getting pissy was as natural and understandable as you being squicked out.
Maybe you could try and 'do it in the shower' as someone suggested.
And my humble opinion is that the '(sacred/sexy) blood' people in this thread are way more crackers than you are.
posted by The Monkey at 5:14 PM on November 30, 2005
I am horniest when I have my period, so sex during is a must. The guys I've been with haven't had a problem with it.
As for the smell, if you take a shower together beforehand, that should help somewhat, and other than that you may just have to suck it up.
I'd be hurt, too, by a guy who didn't want to have sex during my period. But you can fix this. Neither person should have to do anything they don't want to. If it's not a big thing, do it her way and make her happy. If it is a big thing, figure out a way to talk to her about it that makes it about *you*, not her.
posted by mai at 8:24 PM on November 30, 2005
As for the smell, if you take a shower together beforehand, that should help somewhat, and other than that you may just have to suck it up.
I'd be hurt, too, by a guy who didn't want to have sex during my period. But you can fix this. Neither person should have to do anything they don't want to. If it's not a big thing, do it her way and make her happy. If it is a big thing, figure out a way to talk to her about it that makes it about *you*, not her.
posted by mai at 8:24 PM on November 30, 2005
This thread is long gone, but I just gotta say to all you "aw, just stick it in, it's just blood!" people: There's an...aroma involved with a woman's visitor. An aroma that can completely interfere with goings on.
I don't mind the blood (and btw it's not really blood, but whatever). That indeed just washes off, no harm no foul. But the often foul smell just turns me right off. For that reason, I don't like having sex with a girl on her period, but sometimes I'm just like "what the hell" and roll the dice.
posted by zardoz at 5:31 AM on December 24, 2005
I don't mind the blood (and btw it's not really blood, but whatever). That indeed just washes off, no harm no foul. But the often foul smell just turns me right off. For that reason, I don't like having sex with a girl on her period, but sometimes I'm just like "what the hell" and roll the dice.
posted by zardoz at 5:31 AM on December 24, 2005
There's so many replies here, and I'd probably fall asleep on my keyboard.
But I did this yesterday, day before, and the day before the day before. The day before all the 'befores' was her first day.
I've been having sex with women on their periods for 3 years now. ( I think 3 times with 3 diff women, gfs at the time. ) But being a guy, you should be able to overlook all these things. I mean, women call us pigs cuz we never forget sex, right? So give it to 'em.
When you hit the hilt, it gets even bloodier. The smell is bad only on the the day before the final day and the final day itself; according to research it's because the dead egg and other "raw material" passes.
So.. have some scented candles around, and do 'er good. All the best, fellow male.
posted by Devileyezz at 10:01 PM on March 24, 2006
But I did this yesterday, day before, and the day before the day before. The day before all the 'befores' was her first day.
I've been having sex with women on their periods for 3 years now. ( I think 3 times with 3 diff women, gfs at the time. ) But being a guy, you should be able to overlook all these things. I mean, women call us pigs cuz we never forget sex, right? So give it to 'em.
When you hit the hilt, it gets even bloodier. The smell is bad only on the the day before the final day and the final day itself; according to research it's because the dead egg and other "raw material" passes.
So.. have some scented candles around, and do 'er good. All the best, fellow male.
posted by Devileyezz at 10:01 PM on March 24, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jairus at 12:44 PM on November 22, 2005