What's the most confusing present you've ever received?
December 17, 2004 1:23 PM Subscribe
XMasFilter
What's the most head scratch inducing present you've ever gotten?
What's the most head scratch inducing present you've ever gotten?
Lice...HAHA I kill me.
Actually someone gave me a Bible for Christmas once.
posted by driveler at 1:32 PM on December 17, 2004
Actually someone gave me a Bible for Christmas once.
posted by driveler at 1:32 PM on December 17, 2004
Lederhosen from my grandparents.
posted by Frank Grimes at 1:36 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by Frank Grimes at 1:36 PM on December 17, 2004
A Culture Club record.
posted by jonmc at 1:36 PM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 1:36 PM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
My mother gave me a slide rule once. Totally baffling.
posted by Dr. Wu at 1:41 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by Dr. Wu at 1:41 PM on December 17, 2004
My wife's grandmother gave her this perfume whose bottle was in the shape of a plastic Cinderella. It looked like something you'd give an eleven year old... in 1984. She got this when she was 30. The same grandmother gave her a pea green leisure suit when she was in her early 20's. My wife was really horrified that such a dire fashion anachronism could be acquired new.
posted by picea at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by picea at 1:47 PM on December 17, 2004
Billy Joel CD boxed set. I'm not a big fan.
When I asked (innocently and tactfully, I hope) "So how did you decide to give me that set in particular?", the giver said "Well, I know you like music."
posted by Miko at 1:49 PM on December 17, 2004
When I asked (innocently and tactfully, I hope) "So how did you decide to give me that set in particular?", the giver said "Well, I know you like music."
posted by Miko at 1:49 PM on December 17, 2004
Anything and everything my maternal grandmother gave me. Example: Dresses. A tomboy child is sure going to like that lace collar with the little spools of thread pattern thrown in. No matter that her own daughter told her not to send dresses.
The best one though was the little red plaid plastic suitcase. Fortunately, the aforementioned grandmother wasn't present to hear the laughter that broke out amongst my sister, mother and me!
posted by sillygit at 1:50 PM on December 17, 2004
The best one though was the little red plaid plastic suitcase. Fortunately, the aforementioned grandmother wasn't present to hear the laughter that broke out amongst my sister, mother and me!
posted by sillygit at 1:50 PM on December 17, 2004
When I'm old I'm going to intentionally get people awful presents. If JUST ONCE they tell me what they honestly think, instead of saying "oh, grandma, it's so nice, just what I wanted, I'll wear it next week!", I will get them awesome stuff. But as long as they keep up the stupid pretense of liking it, they can keep being the unwitting butt of my old-lady jokes.
posted by u.n. owen at 1:50 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by u.n. owen at 1:50 PM on December 17, 2004
My mother started buying me a set of Christmas dishes when I got my first apartment (13 years ago) - another set/piece/part of dinnerware usually shows up as a present on Christmas day. (Last year it was the candy dish.)
The woman just does not believe me when I tell her I do not need (or want) full service for 12 in the form of xmas dinnerware.
Yeah, the dinnerware is nice but it's not anything I would ever pick out for myself, it's not something I ever use, and most baffling/annoying why give it to me on the day it should be used? (Yes, this has all been pointed out to her.)
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:54 PM on December 17, 2004
The woman just does not believe me when I tell her I do not need (or want) full service for 12 in the form of xmas dinnerware.
Yeah, the dinnerware is nice but it's not anything I would ever pick out for myself, it's not something I ever use, and most baffling/annoying why give it to me on the day it should be used? (Yes, this has all been pointed out to her.)
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 1:54 PM on December 17, 2004
Ok, I got a very small clear glass key-chain in the shape of a man with a rather large erection that contained a piece of rice engraved with my name, misspelled. I was stunned and speechless.
posted by yodelingisfun at 1:59 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 1:59 PM on December 17, 2004
yodelingisfun wins. Um, where can I purchase such a thing? Someday I'm going to have grandchildren to inflict that upon!
posted by u.n. owen at 2:00 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by u.n. owen at 2:00 PM on December 17, 2004
Last year two of my cousins bought me a bunch of women's underwear. I have no idea what they were trying to tell me. When I expressed my confusion they said, "You're getting a new apartment so we figured you needed some panties for your floor." My icy response: "I don't need your help getting panties on my floor, thank you very much." I ended up re-gifting them to my girlfriend, as they got her size perfectly.
posted by baphomet at 2:04 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by baphomet at 2:04 PM on December 17, 2004
u.n. owen, that's awesome. I'm adding it to my list of crazy crap to do when I get old.
yodelingisfun: do you still have it?
On the "oh, I got it for you because you like music", I have gotten:
a set of crappy chopsticks: "because you have a chinese girlfriend"
a pad of paper and some pencils: "because you're in school" (this is from my adult sister, while I was also an adult)
all kinds of crazy cds: "because I know you like music"
I don't dare tell my family my hobbies. Just more fuel for their fire.
posted by RustyBrooks at 2:06 PM on December 17, 2004
yodelingisfun: do you still have it?
On the "oh, I got it for you because you like music", I have gotten:
a set of crappy chopsticks: "because you have a chinese girlfriend"
a pad of paper and some pencils: "because you're in school" (this is from my adult sister, while I was also an adult)
all kinds of crazy cds: "because I know you like music"
I don't dare tell my family my hobbies. Just more fuel for their fire.
posted by RustyBrooks at 2:06 PM on December 17, 2004
Well, it was purchased at a kiosk in the Lloyd Center in Portland, OR (by an extremely odd ex-boyfriend). However, this was several years ago and I can't imagine that they had very good sales...
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:07 PM on December 17, 2004
Yes I still have it...how could you give up a treasure like that?
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2004
Yodelingisfun, I'd pay enormous sums of money up to and including ten whole dollars for that.
posted by u.n. owen at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by u.n. owen at 2:08 PM on December 17, 2004
I could send you a photo for free...actually I'm not really attached to it at all BUT why would you want a penis man with my name on the rice?
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:16 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 2:16 PM on December 17, 2004
A PAL video tape.
[ I'm in Canada. You can't play those here on anything at all and transfers look like, well... bad words come to mind ]
posted by shepd at 2:17 PM on December 17, 2004
[ I'm in Canada. You can't play those here on anything at all and transfers look like, well... bad words come to mind ]
posted by shepd at 2:17 PM on December 17, 2004
Response by poster: Yodelingisfun, I've seen something like that before. I think it was on the San Diego boardwalk or somewhere. Kind of neat but we did note that they got the biggest honking grain of rice we'd ever seen to write on.
And they spelled my wife's name right!
One of the strangest presents I got was when I was in South Africa. I spent Christmas with my girlfriend and her family. They wanted me to be able to open some presents so they just randomly grabbed things and wrapped them up for me.
And then they went all Indian giver on me and didn't let me take them with me. I needed the half empty can of shaving cream too!
posted by fenriq at 2:23 PM on December 17, 2004
And they spelled my wife's name right!
One of the strangest presents I got was when I was in South Africa. I spent Christmas with my girlfriend and her family. They wanted me to be able to open some presents so they just randomly grabbed things and wrapped them up for me.
And then they went all Indian giver on me and didn't let me take them with me. I needed the half empty can of shaving cream too!
posted by fenriq at 2:23 PM on December 17, 2004
yodelingisfun, because then I will ensure one of my grandchildren is named after you. :) Seriously, that's the coolest goddamned gift I've ever heard of. I love surreality in giving.
posted by u.n. owen at 2:24 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by u.n. owen at 2:24 PM on December 17, 2004
A toilet seat from my parents. When I was 13.
(I have a running contest with one of my buddies from my home town, where we give each other crappy gifts from the old people's five-and-dime, but that probably doesn't count. Last year I got a figurine of a pekinese dog (made of rabbit fur) sitting on a plastic toilet. I'm referring to Grand City if anastasiav or any Bowdoin alums read this.)
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:28 PM on December 17, 2004
(I have a running contest with one of my buddies from my home town, where we give each other crappy gifts from the old people's five-and-dime, but that probably doesn't count. Last year I got a figurine of a pekinese dog (made of rabbit fur) sitting on a plastic toilet. I'm referring to Grand City if anastasiav or any Bowdoin alums read this.)
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:28 PM on December 17, 2004
A bottle opener from Rome, with a bronze (colored, anyway) medallion in the handle. On one side of the medallion: the Pope, in profile. On the other: the coliseum. Guess that's Rome in a nutshell.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 2:32 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 2:32 PM on December 17, 2004
Sweatpants, from my then boyfriend.
How sexy is that!?
He said it was because I'm cold all the time, which I am, but damn. And it didn't help that they were from Nordstrom's. Who goes to Nordies for sweats, when they have all those glorious shoes ?
posted by Space Kitty at 2:48 PM on December 17, 2004
How sexy is that!?
He said it was because I'm cold all the time, which I am, but damn. And it didn't help that they were from Nordstrom's. Who goes to Nordies for sweats, when they have all those glorious shoes ?
posted by Space Kitty at 2:48 PM on December 17, 2004
A pink lawn flamingo AND a garden hoe. Both from my parents. The same Christmas.
posted by konolia at 2:48 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by konolia at 2:48 PM on December 17, 2004
Space kitty: how long, in hours, was it from then until the inevitable breakup?
posted by u.n. owen at 2:55 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by u.n. owen at 2:55 PM on December 17, 2004
When I was 11, a family friend bought me a patio furniture set, complete with umbrella. When I was 11.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:02 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by mudpuppie at 3:02 PM on December 17, 2004
PinkStainlessTail: I got one of those too, we call it the Pope-ener.
posted by ..ooOOoo....ooOOoo.. at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by ..ooOOoo....ooOOoo.. at 3:08 PM on December 17, 2004
A set of 2 Jesus nightlights. Classic.
posted by Quartermass at 3:10 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by Quartermass at 3:10 PM on December 17, 2004
A bumper sticker that says, "I'm Not a Computer Nerd, I'm a Beer Drinker!"
After the appropriate dry laugh, I asked my friend what it meant, and she said, "How would I know? You're the nerd."
posted by dual_action at 3:13 PM on December 17, 2004
After the appropriate dry laugh, I asked my friend what it meant, and she said, "How would I know? You're the nerd."
posted by dual_action at 3:13 PM on December 17, 2004
Billy Joel CD boxed set. I'm not a big fan
Trade you for the Culture Club?
posted by jonmc at 3:20 PM on December 17, 2004
Trade you for the Culture Club?
posted by jonmc at 3:20 PM on December 17, 2004
My great-grandmother (God rest her soul) was more than a little senile the last few years of her life, but she always managed to give at least one gift to each of her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. She'd buy little knick-knacks, or, more likely, she'd sew pillows. One year, all the great-grandkids (me and my cousins) got animal pillows. Mine was a raccoon, other cousins got alligators or hippos, or some other thing like that.
One cousin got a fuzzy slipper.
Apparently Great-Grandma's eyes were pretty bad, and when she was pulling the pillows out of the closet they were stored in ... well, you can fill in the blanks.
When I think about it now, I'm amazed she could sew the damned pillows with eyesight that bad.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:27 PM on December 17, 2004
One cousin got a fuzzy slipper.
Apparently Great-Grandma's eyes were pretty bad, and when she was pulling the pillows out of the closet they were stored in ... well, you can fill in the blanks.
When I think about it now, I'm amazed she could sew the damned pillows with eyesight that bad.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:27 PM on December 17, 2004
Ok u.n. owen, email me and I'll send it to you...And just so you know what your getting into, the grain of rice is very small...
posted by yodelingisfun at 3:28 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 3:28 PM on December 17, 2004
Hey konolia, I got lawn flamingos from my mom last year and was psyched! Of course they were stolen a few weeks later but still for a short time I was the queen of my block.
posted by yodelingisfun at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by yodelingisfun at 3:30 PM on December 17, 2004
A $150 pipe lighter purchased for me by my wife, who'd already announced (that Oct.) she no longer loved me. Gee, it's nice, honey, but why'd you bother going through the motions? (What a bummer of a Xmas.)
posted by alumshubby at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by alumshubby at 3:31 PM on December 17, 2004
Yodeling isfun, mine was stolen too-so she got me two to replace them.
Frankly if anything happens to them I am getting four.....
posted by konolia at 3:40 PM on December 17, 2004
Frankly if anything happens to them I am getting four.....
posted by konolia at 3:40 PM on December 17, 2004
My brother and I each received a flashlight from an aunt.
posted by milkrate at 3:45 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by milkrate at 3:45 PM on December 17, 2004
A stuffed animal (seal, to be exact). Zipper on the belly. Open it up, and yep, there was a baby seal inside.
For the record, I was a young teen, and always hated stuffed animals. I don't think it was a gift with a message, as it was from a relative I didn't see very often.
posted by xena at 3:59 PM on December 17, 2004
For the record, I was a young teen, and always hated stuffed animals. I don't think it was a gift with a message, as it was from a relative I didn't see very often.
posted by xena at 3:59 PM on December 17, 2004
A used book from ca. 1935 entitled "Byproducts of the Packing Industry," "because I was interested in anatomy".
posted by Rumple at 4:03 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by Rumple at 4:03 PM on December 17, 2004
Although I have never mentioned it, never said I wanted to see it, let alone requested a copy of it, last year my husband bought me the DVD of The Bonfire of the Vanities.
posted by deborah at 4:06 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by deborah at 4:06 PM on December 17, 2004
PinkStainlessTail: I got one of those too, we call it the Pope-ener.
God, I love the internet.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 4:19 PM on December 17, 2004
God, I love the internet.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 4:19 PM on December 17, 2004
Response by poster: alumshubby's comment made me sad.
Everyone else's has been gold! Thanks for sharing.
posted by fenriq at 4:25 PM on December 17, 2004
Everyone else's has been gold! Thanks for sharing.
posted by fenriq at 4:25 PM on December 17, 2004
From the same sister, on different Christmases:
1) a box of powdered nightingale droppings, because they were "an ancient Chinese beauty secret"
and
2) a subscription to the newsletter of a Communist organization, for two years running. I bet the FBI probably started a dossier on me for that one.
(I won't even go into the maudlin 9/11 memorabilia she gave the entire family for Christmas 2001. Or the great big paper-mache Japanese demon masks for my toddler cousins. Or... well, you get the picture.)
Thankfully, though, she's also the queen of degifting. A few days after The Christmas of the Nightingale Droppings, she came downstairs with the entire box of it plastered on her face. And she always read the newsletter before I threw it out.
posted by Soliloquy at 5:00 PM on December 17, 2004
1) a box of powdered nightingale droppings, because they were "an ancient Chinese beauty secret"
and
2) a subscription to the newsletter of a Communist organization, for two years running. I bet the FBI probably started a dossier on me for that one.
(I won't even go into the maudlin 9/11 memorabilia she gave the entire family for Christmas 2001. Or the great big paper-mache Japanese demon masks for my toddler cousins. Or... well, you get the picture.)
Thankfully, though, she's also the queen of degifting. A few days after The Christmas of the Nightingale Droppings, she came downstairs with the entire box of it plastered on her face. And she always read the newsletter before I threw it out.
posted by Soliloquy at 5:00 PM on December 17, 2004
When I was in my early twenties, my mom got me a CD of music from the "Rocky" films. Not by the original artists, either. My befuddlement must have shown, for she said, "But I remember you really liked the Rocky movies." To which the only possible reaction was, "Yes, mom, when I was twelve!"
posted by kindall at 5:10 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by kindall at 5:10 PM on December 17, 2004
My niece once gave her mom a box of those yellow plastic dishwashing gloves. Because when her mom was doing dishes, she'd always wish she had some, so...
posted by GaelFC at 5:12 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by GaelFC at 5:12 PM on December 17, 2004
I think Mayor's got the best so far. A toilet seat?! At thirteen?! What the hell was the message there?
posted by five fresh fish at 5:23 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by five fresh fish at 5:23 PM on December 17, 2004
A stuffed animal (seal, to be exact). Zipper on the belly. Open it up, and yep, there was a baby seal inside.
Whoa that's awesome gift.
posted by gyc at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2004
Whoa that's awesome gift.
posted by gyc at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2004
The neighbor across the way, Mr Ostley, a kindly old retired fellow who liked to polish rocks, came to the door one day when my mom was out. I opened the door - I knew him, after all - and he graciously presented me with a wrapped present. He told me I could open it now if I wanted.
I thanked him, closed the door - at 6 you don't know manners - and immediately took off the wrapping paper. It was a box labeled "DELUXE X-MAS TREE ORNAMENT," looked like it'd never been opened.
"That's a dull present," I thought, but continued opening it anyway, slitting the label along the seam.
As I took the lid off a giant mechaniwockle BLACK BUG, hand sized, SPRANG out of the box at me and shook its legs and springy eyeball-stalks at me, disgorging the last few winds of its mainspring. I shrieked in absolute startlement, then started laughing.
I then heard Mr Ostley chuckling softly as he moved away from the door, and I was like whu-u-ut?
Right outta Leave it to Beaver, man. Somehow I feel like this couldn't happen today - kindly old Mr Ostley would go to pervert jail for traumatizing a youngster or something. As it is I look back on it fondly.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:28 PM on December 17, 2004
I thanked him, closed the door - at 6 you don't know manners - and immediately took off the wrapping paper. It was a box labeled "DELUXE X-MAS TREE ORNAMENT," looked like it'd never been opened.
"That's a dull present," I thought, but continued opening it anyway, slitting the label along the seam.
As I took the lid off a giant mechaniwockle BLACK BUG, hand sized, SPRANG out of the box at me and shook its legs and springy eyeball-stalks at me, disgorging the last few winds of its mainspring. I shrieked in absolute startlement, then started laughing.
I then heard Mr Ostley chuckling softly as he moved away from the door, and I was like whu-u-ut?
Right outta Leave it to Beaver, man. Somehow I feel like this couldn't happen today - kindly old Mr Ostley would go to pervert jail for traumatizing a youngster or something. As it is I look back on it fondly.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:28 PM on December 17, 2004
"My niece once gave her mom a box of those yellow plastic dishwashing gloves. Because when her mom was doing dishes, she'd always wish she had some, so..."
GaelFC, that's cute.
Unless your niece is like, 30.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2004
GaelFC, that's cute.
Unless your niece is like, 30.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:29 PM on December 17, 2004
PinkStainlessTail: God, I love the internet.
Glad I could help.
posted by ..ooOOoo....ooOOoo.. at 5:38 PM on December 17, 2004
Glad I could help.
posted by ..ooOOoo....ooOOoo.. at 5:38 PM on December 17, 2004
Winnie the Pooh sheets. At age 26 or so. From my wife.
Who then was diagnosed bipolar, went slightly nuts, and ran off with her therapist, praise be.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:06 PM on December 17, 2004
Who then was diagnosed bipolar, went slightly nuts, and ran off with her therapist, praise be.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:06 PM on December 17, 2004
My dad got me this stuffed reindeer thing that dances to Jingle Bells or something. I was 23 or 24, as the username indicates, I'm male, and I haven't shown any interest in stuffed animals since I was about 7.
I never got around to taking it to Goodwill, and the bastard up and died on me recently, so now I have to keep it for sentimental value.
posted by dirigibleman at 7:03 PM on December 17, 2004
I never got around to taking it to Goodwill, and the bastard up and died on me recently, so now I have to keep it for sentimental value.
posted by dirigibleman at 7:03 PM on December 17, 2004
A hideous blue sweater, with orange pom-poms on it. It made me cry. You couldn't get further away from the sort of thing I would wear if you consciously tried. And this was from my aunt, who saw me on a regular basis.
posted by biscotti at 7:15 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by biscotti at 7:15 PM on December 17, 2004
A box of tractor-feed printer paper. Note: I do not own a tractor-feed printer.
posted by SPrintF at 7:30 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by SPrintF at 7:30 PM on December 17, 2004
A natural gas-powered curling iron made in Germany. You couldn't buy the replacement cylinders here in the states.
And I have curly hair.
That or... a necklace from my (ex) boyfriend which was identical to the one he also gave to his ex the same xmas. And happened to leave the receipt for on our kitchen table.
Glad that's off my chest.
posted by vers at 7:52 PM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
And I have curly hair.
That or... a necklace from my (ex) boyfriend which was identical to the one he also gave to his ex the same xmas. And happened to leave the receipt for on our kitchen table.
Glad that's off my chest.
posted by vers at 7:52 PM on December 17, 2004 [1 favorite]
Women's pajamas.
posted by furiousthought at 8:09 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by furiousthought at 8:09 PM on December 17, 2004
A camel whip. Made in Taiwan, purchased in Kansas, given to me in South Dakota -- all places known for their thundering herds of unwhipped camels.
posted by joaquim at 8:38 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by joaquim at 8:38 PM on December 17, 2004
I thought I hit the nadir with the boyfriend who gave me the electric rice cooker with the enthusiastic comment: "Now you won't burn the rice!"
Last Christmas though my brother gave me a battery operated sleeping cat. It just lays there and breathes. The sides go up and down; it's horrible and completely, strangely, pointless. I like strange pointless things but forget this cat.
So I got him a Chinese acupuncture head for Christmas this year.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:48 PM on December 17, 2004
Last Christmas though my brother gave me a battery operated sleeping cat. It just lays there and breathes. The sides go up and down; it's horrible and completely, strangely, pointless. I like strange pointless things but forget this cat.
So I got him a Chinese acupuncture head for Christmas this year.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:48 PM on December 17, 2004
A rubber beetle. I got it from a 5 year old boy. Obviously, he thought it was the perfect present.
posted by crythecry at 8:57 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by crythecry at 8:57 PM on December 17, 2004
Aaah so many wonderful memories associated with my first husband...
This is cheating, I know, but at our wedding a very wealthy, old friend of the family (my mother had gifted her children with the traditional silver tray) gave me: a paper fan nightlight. Because I was marrying someone from Japan and therefore would have no access to real Japanese decor but would obviously be decorating my house in Oriental Pic-N-Sav style.
Our first Christmas, I caught a glimpse of our romantic future together when my trembling hands tore the wrapping paper from ...a bathroom scale. Not because he was hinting, just because we didn't have one.
And every Christmas we were married I got to look forward to the dreaded Christmas Cookies of Death mailed to me from Japan by my in-laws. These were always very expensive cookies ($50.00) in lovely tins painted in beiges and pastels with random English words strewn together (Your dream cake tasteful life) carefully wrapped individually in tissue paper. Each cookie, no matter what the flavor claimed to be: butter, almond, or strawberry, tasted the same-- just like Styrofoam.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:18 PM on December 17, 2004
This is cheating, I know, but at our wedding a very wealthy, old friend of the family (my mother had gifted her children with the traditional silver tray) gave me: a paper fan nightlight. Because I was marrying someone from Japan and therefore would have no access to real Japanese decor but would obviously be decorating my house in Oriental Pic-N-Sav style.
Our first Christmas, I caught a glimpse of our romantic future together when my trembling hands tore the wrapping paper from ...a bathroom scale. Not because he was hinting, just because we didn't have one.
And every Christmas we were married I got to look forward to the dreaded Christmas Cookies of Death mailed to me from Japan by my in-laws. These were always very expensive cookies ($50.00) in lovely tins painted in beiges and pastels with random English words strewn together (Your dream cake tasteful life) carefully wrapped individually in tissue paper. Each cookie, no matter what the flavor claimed to be: butter, almond, or strawberry, tasted the same-- just like Styrofoam.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:18 PM on December 17, 2004
A PAL video tape.
You know, I have had some videos converted from PAL to NTSC, and I thought the quality was fine, but I probably paid more to have them converted than people generally spend on videotapes, period.
As for myself -- nothing really spectacularly dumb. I got some sort of small plastic carousel-y thing from my grandmother when I was like 17. I also have dry skin, so people tend to think they can buy me some fancy dry skin lotion, not realizing that the more expensive lotion is, the less likely it is to actually relieve dry skin, and the more likely it is to serve some sort of psychological purpose for shallow yuppies.
posted by dagnyscott at 9:29 PM on December 17, 2004
You know, I have had some videos converted from PAL to NTSC, and I thought the quality was fine, but I probably paid more to have them converted than people generally spend on videotapes, period.
As for myself -- nothing really spectacularly dumb. I got some sort of small plastic carousel-y thing from my grandmother when I was like 17. I also have dry skin, so people tend to think they can buy me some fancy dry skin lotion, not realizing that the more expensive lotion is, the less likely it is to actually relieve dry skin, and the more likely it is to serve some sort of psychological purpose for shallow yuppies.
posted by dagnyscott at 9:29 PM on December 17, 2004
maledictory got a bottle of jagermeister from his aunt:
"She came over and said 'I was in the liquor store today, and came across a rather intriguing bottle-- I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. Have you ever heard of this stuff? Ja-ger-mei-ster? Oh well, I'm sure you'll find something to do with it.'
Oh yes, giving a 21 year old male liquor, and Jager at that.
Had I ever heard of it?!?! Actually we ended up drinking it during the last episode of Friends -- we took a shot every time the sappy music cranked up.
There was also that time when I was 11, where I got a broken transformer... unwrapped... in a garbage bag."
posted by SoftRain at 9:54 PM on December 17, 2004
"She came over and said 'I was in the liquor store today, and came across a rather intriguing bottle-- I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. Have you ever heard of this stuff? Ja-ger-mei-ster? Oh well, I'm sure you'll find something to do with it.'
Oh yes, giving a 21 year old male liquor, and Jager at that.
Had I ever heard of it?!?! Actually we ended up drinking it during the last episode of Friends -- we took a shot every time the sappy music cranked up.
There was also that time when I was 11, where I got a broken transformer... unwrapped... in a garbage bag."
posted by SoftRain at 9:54 PM on December 17, 2004
Last year my mom gave me a foot-tall stuffed cat with black & silver fur. On its stomach was a circle of green sequins around a small plastic window. It was - you guessed it - a picture frame. Let's just say it was *not* the most popular item at my office gift exchange today. (But at least it's no longer taking up space in my closet.)
posted by belladonna at 10:43 PM on December 17, 2004
posted by belladonna at 10:43 PM on December 17, 2004
Wow. I thought my extended family had a lock on wildly off-base gift-giving, but the veil has been lifted from my eyes. The most recent weirdness: novelty candles. A year or two ago it was a green dragon, perched on a rock, holding a (glass) "crystal ball" in one outstretched claw. The year before that was the 70's-style big-eyed anthropomorphic turtle.
Still, that's nothing compared to the kind of stuff I got before I trained them to never, under any circumstances, buy me clothing. The worst of it was a pastel sweatshirt with puff-paint pussywillows (which had cat faces on them, natch) and a fussy fake-out polo collar...
posted by Vervain at 11:24 PM on December 17, 2004
Still, that's nothing compared to the kind of stuff I got before I trained them to never, under any circumstances, buy me clothing. The worst of it was a pastel sweatshirt with puff-paint pussywillows (which had cat faces on them, natch) and a fussy fake-out polo collar...
posted by Vervain at 11:24 PM on December 17, 2004
where we give each other crappy gifts from the old people's five-and-dime
I do the same with some friends of mine, we all try to find the crappiest gifts imaginable.
Nightengale droppings? oh man ...
Worst thing I got was 8 yards of a thick polyester knit that was a dirty rose colour. It was accompanied by 5 yards or so of a brighter pink satin. I was told I could, "make something nice out of it".
posted by squeak at 2:03 AM on December 18, 2004
I do the same with some friends of mine, we all try to find the crappiest gifts imaginable.
Nightengale droppings? oh man ...
Worst thing I got was 8 yards of a thick polyester knit that was a dirty rose colour. It was accompanied by 5 yards or so of a brighter pink satin. I was told I could, "make something nice out of it".
posted by squeak at 2:03 AM on December 18, 2004
My two brothers and I each got Marks and Spencer soap and shampoo (the last one in the shape of a cell-phone). Do we smell or what ?
At a young age, a friend of my grandmother gave us tiny silver baskets. Needless to say they're gathering dust somewhere now. Silver baskets. Do we look like little girls ?
My g/f bought me a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie for my birthday. "Haha, very funny, ok, where's the real gift?" "well, that's it, isn't it a nice funny gift ? What, you don't like it ?! You don't love me!". I forced her to watch it with me. I should make like a yearly screening, just to reminder her that funny presents are crappy presents when there's only one present.
posted by XiBe at 3:54 AM on December 18, 2004
At a young age, a friend of my grandmother gave us tiny silver baskets. Needless to say they're gathering dust somewhere now. Silver baskets. Do we look like little girls ?
My g/f bought me a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie for my birthday. "Haha, very funny, ok, where's the real gift?" "well, that's it, isn't it a nice funny gift ? What, you don't like it ?! You don't love me!". I forced her to watch it with me. I should make like a yearly screening, just to reminder her that funny presents are crappy presents when there's only one present.
posted by XiBe at 3:54 AM on December 18, 2004
yellow plastic dishwashing gloves
Aaah, good times, when I took time to visit my g/f during her year in English (we're from France). First day at her place, she gives me dishwashing gloves. Huh ? "Well while you're here, I thought you could help me with the dishes". Talk about waiting for my next holiday to go there...
posted by XiBe at 4:00 AM on December 18, 2004
Aaah, good times, when I took time to visit my g/f during her year in English (we're from France). First day at her place, she gives me dishwashing gloves. Huh ? "Well while you're here, I thought you could help me with the dishes". Talk about waiting for my next holiday to go there...
posted by XiBe at 4:00 AM on December 18, 2004
My uncle gave me a can of Thai Chicken Soup and my brother a bag of crisps one year. Which was pretty bloody weird. This was the same year that my father rejected a present from Ireland because he didn't like the Irish and my grandmother wandered around the house shouting, "Where's my pussy? Has anybody seen my pussy?"
posted by barbelith at 6:09 AM on December 18, 2004
posted by barbelith at 6:09 AM on December 18, 2004
Response by poster: Barbelith, can I come spend the holidays with you? Yours sound just damned entertaining.
And I think I might wander my house this year going "Where's MY pussy?"
posted by fenriq at 7:45 AM on December 18, 2004
And I think I might wander my house this year going "Where's MY pussy?"
posted by fenriq at 7:45 AM on December 18, 2004
I've seen her pussy.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:46 AM on December 18, 2004
posted by Turtles all the way down at 7:46 AM on December 18, 2004
joaquim, thank you. I will thoroughly puzzle my husband today with my seemingly random fits of camel-related snickering.
posted by clever sheep at 7:50 AM on December 18, 2004
posted by clever sheep at 7:50 AM on December 18, 2004
i once got a letter saying i was going on a trip to legoland in denmark. this is when i was a little kid and loved lego, but we didn't have much money, so my present money was spent on tins of smash to fill the food cupboard of the caravan before we drove across europe... (it was a pretty good letter - with photos and stuff - and i think i still have it somewhere).
and once i got a wooden spoon from my mother. apparently for "stirring it". when i looked puzzled she burst into tears and grabbed it back. ah, depressed parents...
posted by andrew cooke at 10:28 AM on December 18, 2004
and once i got a wooden spoon from my mother. apparently for "stirring it". when i looked puzzled she burst into tears and grabbed it back. ah, depressed parents...
posted by andrew cooke at 10:28 AM on December 18, 2004
Well thanks, all of you: my repressed memories of The Worst Christmas Ever were just stirred. Fuck.
So my wife and I are invited down to my parents' for dinner. My mother has invited an acquaintance who is depressed and lonely. Her son had died some time before, and she was deeply hurt by it.
And I happened to look very much like the deceased. Even before I got there I was in high anxiety. Reminding someone of their dead kid isn't exactly the best Christmas gift one can give.
So the woman shows up. She's wearing a rubber glove. She sees me and immediately goes into "you look just like him" and crying jags and shit. My parents enquire of the glove. She's cut herself while preparing some food or other she brought. They convince her to take the glove off. There's a bloody great gash that needs stitches. Absolutely horrendous. She refuses to go to the hospital. Eventually one has to give up and do the best they can with bandages and such.
She's still having crying jags. We have supper. The conversation takes turns at being unbelievably surreal. This woman is obviously in dire need of medication and intensive psychiatric help. The situation continues to devolve.
After supper she hauls out gifts. They are old stuffed animals. They may have been from her kid's childhood. She makes a big deal of presenting them. There's all sorts of strangeness.
Then she breaks out screaming at me all about dying and how unfair and all that. I manage to keep my shit together and, I feel, do a superlative job of talking straight to her, keeping myself separate from her lunacy, trying to break through to some sane part of her brain to bring her back to reality. It is purest coo-coo. I'm fearing that she's going to get uncontrolably bizarre, a danger to me or to herself.
Somehow I get her back to some nominal sort of reality. Things don't get any worse, though they continue to be surreal. I have to keep going into the bathroom, trying to breath and stop shaking, in between dealing with her.
All in all, it was a holiday from hell.
Oh, and something happened with the oven and the turkey didn't cook. Another great bit of fun, that.
From now on, we celebrate Christmas Day without a lunatic.
I had successfully repressed this memory to now.
(my mom contacted this woman's doctor and told what had gone on; apparently most people had been blowing smoke, pretending everything was okay. I think it turned out to be the first step in getting some real help for her.)
posted by five fresh fish at 11:06 AM on December 18, 2004
So my wife and I are invited down to my parents' for dinner. My mother has invited an acquaintance who is depressed and lonely. Her son had died some time before, and she was deeply hurt by it.
And I happened to look very much like the deceased. Even before I got there I was in high anxiety. Reminding someone of their dead kid isn't exactly the best Christmas gift one can give.
So the woman shows up. She's wearing a rubber glove. She sees me and immediately goes into "you look just like him" and crying jags and shit. My parents enquire of the glove. She's cut herself while preparing some food or other she brought. They convince her to take the glove off. There's a bloody great gash that needs stitches. Absolutely horrendous. She refuses to go to the hospital. Eventually one has to give up and do the best they can with bandages and such.
She's still having crying jags. We have supper. The conversation takes turns at being unbelievably surreal. This woman is obviously in dire need of medication and intensive psychiatric help. The situation continues to devolve.
After supper she hauls out gifts. They are old stuffed animals. They may have been from her kid's childhood. She makes a big deal of presenting them. There's all sorts of strangeness.
Then she breaks out screaming at me all about dying and how unfair and all that. I manage to keep my shit together and, I feel, do a superlative job of talking straight to her, keeping myself separate from her lunacy, trying to break through to some sane part of her brain to bring her back to reality. It is purest coo-coo. I'm fearing that she's going to get uncontrolably bizarre, a danger to me or to herself.
Somehow I get her back to some nominal sort of reality. Things don't get any worse, though they continue to be surreal. I have to keep going into the bathroom, trying to breath and stop shaking, in between dealing with her.
All in all, it was a holiday from hell.
Oh, and something happened with the oven and the turkey didn't cook. Another great bit of fun, that.
From now on, we celebrate Christmas Day without a lunatic.
I had successfully repressed this memory to now.
(my mom contacted this woman's doctor and told what had gone on; apparently most people had been blowing smoke, pretending everything was okay. I think it turned out to be the first step in getting some real help for her.)
posted by five fresh fish at 11:06 AM on December 18, 2004
"Larvettes".
Dehydrated. Barbecue-flavored. Mealworms.
For eating.
posted by Danelope at 12:31 PM on December 18, 2004
Dehydrated. Barbecue-flavored. Mealworms.
For eating.
posted by Danelope at 12:31 PM on December 18, 2004
My aunt gave me boxer shorts, printed with the logo of the university I was attending in my home state. She lived deep in a neighboring state with a competing university. In other words, she must have ordered boxers from the town I lived in, so that she could travel from a neighboring state and give them to me. The same aunt gave me a stand-alone electric skillet when I was seven.
mygothlaundry: I think you don't love your electonic sleeping cat enough.
posted by bingo at 1:20 PM on December 18, 2004
mygothlaundry: I think you don't love your electonic sleeping cat enough.
posted by bingo at 1:20 PM on December 18, 2004
A box of tractor-feed printer paper. Note: I do not own a tractor-feed printer.
I think this is a perfectly fine gift for someone who self-identifies as SPrintF.
For my own worst gifts, this is an occasion where have a moderately bad memory is very handy... Though I do recall my first Hanukah with my ex-wife, just after we started dating seriously, and she gave me things like a penny on a bed of cotton in a small white box one night, a coupon (for 50 cents off something I did buy at the market) another and similar small things. Somehow I managed to get her things a bit nicer for Christmas a few days later.
posted by billsaysthis at 6:18 PM on December 18, 2004
I think this is a perfectly fine gift for someone who self-identifies as SPrintF.
For my own worst gifts, this is an occasion where have a moderately bad memory is very handy... Though I do recall my first Hanukah with my ex-wife, just after we started dating seriously, and she gave me things like a penny on a bed of cotton in a small white box one night, a coupon (for 50 cents off something I did buy at the market) another and similar small things. Somehow I managed to get her things a bit nicer for Christmas a few days later.
posted by billsaysthis at 6:18 PM on December 18, 2004
My dad puts a can of tuna in my stocking every year.
posted by tristeza at 11:12 AM on December 20, 2004
posted by tristeza at 11:12 AM on December 20, 2004
My brother and I regularly try to give each other the strangest presents possible. Gifts from him have included thumbtacks, Pez dispensers, and an enormous stuffed goldfish.
I think I won last year, though, when I bought him the sheet music to Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It." There were two measures of music.
posted by honeydew at 3:22 PM on December 20, 2004
I think I won last year, though, when I bought him the sheet music to Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It." There were two measures of music.
posted by honeydew at 3:22 PM on December 20, 2004
Response by poster: I'm going to have to say that Danelope wins this one. That is just NASTY!
posted by fenriq at 12:22 PM on December 21, 2004
posted by fenriq at 12:22 PM on December 21, 2004
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by nathan_teske at 1:29 PM on December 17, 2004