How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago?

August 17, 2008 7:10 PM

How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago?

My mother was sexually assaulted on a date when she was a teenager. Despite seeing various therapists, she is still haunted by the incident and mentions it frequently and in seemingly unrelated conversations, (ie. she will start a sentence with; "Well, when I was raped..."). I'm sympathetic to the situation and have tried to be a good listener. The incident had a huge, negative effect on her life, her self-esteem and the way she views her body and her sexuality. My mother has had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety and I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. At this point, she is resistant to getting any further psychological treatment and gets incredibly defensive when the issue is mentioned. She adamantly believes that there is nothing the matter and that she's perfectly fine. She's adverse to any kind of support group (I've tried).

She first told me of this incident in her life when I was 11, during a 'birds and the bees' sort of talk. She frequently brought the assault up, in increasing detail during my teenage years. In a way, knowing that this terrible thing happened proved to be a cautionary tale for my own life as I began to date and it helped me to understand my mother and some of her behaviors. On the other hand, I feel that constantly hearing about my mother being victimized really messed with me and probably contributed to me spending my teens and early 20s as an angry, depressed, sexually aggressive, and promiscuous young woman. It's almost like my mother's trauma was super-imposed onto my life for awhile. Yes, I've been through loads of therapy to discuss these issues and have grown into a relatively happy, stable adult.

So it is 40 years after the assault and my mom still brings it up in regular conversations, particularly when she is feeling some of the same feelings that she felt back then: powerless, scared, or victimized...which seems to be a lot lately.

I have two pre-teen nieces and I want to protect them from having to hear repeatedly all about how my mom was raped as a teenager. I don't want my nieces to have to carry the same psychological burden on their shoulders as I did.

I need help coming up with some gentle, sensitive and diplomatic things to say to my mom to let her know how that yes, we do care about her and that we'd like to help her cope with the memories of the assault, but also to utilize some discretion when discussing it.

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

maybe you can email one of the moderators a throw away email address? i have some advice, but it's very specific to my family and i don't want it to be connected to my account.
posted by nadawi at 7:32 PM on August 17, 2008

You probably know this, but -- your nieces are not your mother's children. They are her grandchildren. Her impact on them will be very small compared to her impact on you and your sibling(s).
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 7:43 PM on August 17, 2008

If your mom hasn't found herself help for or come to peace with this event in 40 years, either she can't or she won't. (looks like "won't" from her responses when you've tried to help.) It is no use guessing her motives or trying to diagnose her as having various disorders. It is also no use to continue trying to fix her. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. Her feelings are not your responsibility. Your kids are your responsibility.

To specifically answer your question: The way you cope with this issue is to politely warn her about what particular behaviors you will not tolerate around your kids. Then supervise their interaction and do not be afraid to call off a visit if you don't like how it's going. The way she copes with this issue is up to her, and you cannot decide this for her, as you well know after decades of trying.
posted by fritley at 8:13 PM on August 17, 2008

2nding the toss away email address.
posted by 6:1 at 8:14 PM on August 17, 2008

That is terribly unfair of your mother to lay that on you, and the others around you.

And what fritley said.
posted by gjc at 8:26 PM on August 17, 2008

What fritley said, but make sure your brother/sister are on the same page, (since these are your nieces, right?).
posted by 6:1 at 8:30 PM on August 17, 2008

Oh sorry, I read kids where it's actually nieces. This gives you a lot less power than I assumed. 6:1 is right; your siblings will have to do the hard work.
posted by fritley at 8:49 PM on August 17, 2008

She needs to understand that her pain and feelings are valid, and that yes, this mattered. She also needs to understand that while it doesn't need to be hidden, there's not much good that can come from her telling her impressionable, young, most-likely very hormonal nieces. While she may see it as a warning, your sibling needs to stress to her that this warning is for he/she as a parent to give to his/her children, under his/her choice of situation and circumstances, not your mother. She needs to respect their rights as parents to control (somewhat) the adult situations and issues that these girls are exposed to. It will probably be difficult for her to change, because when it comes to these types of situations (IMO), the victim can have tunnel-vision. The assault matters more than anything else.

This idea should be conveyed to her (when she seems to be in a lull, regarding these memories) something like this:

"Mom, we know you've had a lot of pain associated with this situation, and we all hurt for you. We can only imagine how traumatic it was for you. We realize that this makes up an important part of your history, and we know that it's hard to understand how this could have happened to you.

We know that you love girl A & girl B, and we know that you want them to be safe and happy. We need you to understand that this is a very adult topic for them to hear, and it's hard for them to comprehend it right now. When they get older, we'll tell them what happened and what kind of things they need to be aware of for their own safety. But we think now, when they're so young, that the best thing for them is to be excluded from these conversations. If you could work with us on this, we feel it would be better for them over all."

That takes care of one issue. The other issue is her own emotional and mental health. While it's a good thing that she's able to discuss this so openly (so many people hide this in shame), she needs to discuss this in the appropriate situations that could help her to heal. She needs a counselor, therapist or a group. Explain this by saying that you know how much she needs to talk about her feelings, but that you don't feel that you are able to really understand the pain she's going through. You're saying that she's refusing repeatedly, but you need to push that this will be better overall. Ask her to do it for her family, and explain that you want her to get over this, not just for her emotional health, but for her overall happiness. These things are shadows in the victims' lives. Once she's learned to deal with it somewhat, she will begin to enjoy her life.

I wish you and yours the best of luck; this is a very difficult situation, and it takes a lot of hard work, determination and hope.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 7:25 AM on August 18, 2008