Social stratification is braking my heart . Can any of you out there, help me translate this situation and maybe give me some guidance as to how to go forward?
posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I am a woman 35 y/o. I met Mr Perfect after 8 months of my marriage brake down. At the beginning he was eager to become my boyfriend even though there’s a big difference in our social stratus. I am a professional foreign still settling down in the Country. He’s is at the top of an important Oil company. He loves glamour, elegance, travelling, he’s always interested in current affairs, he and his friends are diplomats, some from the media ,his life is about work, luxury and Intellect.
When Mr. Perfect realized my intellect and background wasn’t up to his standards, was quite late as I’d moved already in into his flat as a tenant (paying rent). As his work is based abroad, he just come to the City a few days every month . We began to have sex after he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we didn’t stop when he asked me to be just friends.
(I have to point out that I suffered from domestic violence on my previous relation ship, and I was left in this foreign country overnight, with no friends, no money, nor family. I was recovering and having treatment from depression, and anxiety. However I never stopped working and kept studying English in order to register my technician degree in this Country and be able to help my parents and give them a better life.)
Having Mr. P coming every month at home and having some of his attention for a few days, made me feel I had a home again. I felt supported and cared again , I felt that the new string –free relationship was good for me, so I could have time to heal my heart, have a place where I didn't have to share with people and give time to my mind and self to cure.
I began to behave like the perfect 50’s women/wife, (although I am naturally like this) taking care of every single detail of his clothes, food, skin etc...
Mr perfect was never too amorous after sex. He cooked for me, always called me to ask how I was, and would gave advice when I needed, he support me to bring my parents for a Holliday , he sent them a nice food purchase, gave me a couple of perfumes as a gift , and he said many times he cared for me a lot.
I began to feel frustrated and hurt when I noticed that the main reasons for which he contained himself to loved me was because social matters, my background, my English pronunciation, my clothe appearance, my instable born Country, my intellect.
So I began to do big efforts in order to improve myself in ALL aspects in which I considered I could be up to his “standards” or criterions of his “perfect woman”. He said once to me that I was wonderful and I had many of the qualities he was looking for in a woman to marry, but he needed to have someone who could fit easily into his world. ..Obviously I could not understand this and it broke my heart.
I spent all time and money, I earned for the last year and a half improving my language skills, changing my accent, mastering etiquette, buying books, going to lectures, mastering elegance , buying stylish clothe, but Mr Perfect didn’t notice or when he did, did not put too much attention to it. I felt he still see me as the foreign little girl who he has to subside. He doesn’t even notice the intellectual changes I’ve made as I could not even mention I did all of this for me/ him...
Mr perfect supported me financially for a short period of time when I lost my Job. I was free of rent for 3 months; he also lent me some money to pay an important driving course which can help me to get a better Job in my arear in a future.
Mr Perfect began to say hurtful things to me ,like he is expecting to meet someone nice to get marry and have children with, and started to be mean, grumpy, and irritable lately . However in bed always nice and caring.
Last month when he came, after having slept together, he said that this country was too expensive and he was thinking to rent the whole flat and take a place up for him somewhere else.
I was shocked and devastated with his decision. And when he sow it, he said that I shouldn’t worry as he’ll give me a few months to work things out , and as I don’t have money for my deposit he’s willing to let me free rent for 2 , 3 months so I could save money from my new Job for the time I need to move out.
First, I asked him to let me stay and share the flat. I was overwhelmed thinking I had to move out and have a miserable life again in a small room, and with nobody in this Country to count with, also what about all those efforts I did, for nothing now?
But he changed his mind a few times about it and the last thing he said by phone when I asked it was that he feels trapped in every corner , that he is subsidising his mother, his little daughter , and me.. And he evaded the conversation when I asked him to tell me which were his recent plans.
It caused me so much pain, also that I decided to move out asap and take an option of work accommodation. The change is going to be drastic; I’ll be living in a very shitty room and struggling to make my ends meet for long time.
The questions to my mixed emotions and problems are:
1- Mr Perfect is coming next week for 4 days. He does not expect me to move out so soon as he knows I did not have money even for a new deposit, and otters matters which I had benefit, just for living at his place. (I did everything I could to find solutions). The questions is that I don’t know who to express politely in English that I rather will be moving out in the next week, without showing all this mixed feelings of rancour, anger, rejection, alienated, love ,hate ,gratefulness.
2- How to react if he tries to approach me sexually?
3- What to say when he asks where I am going to moving in? and how to answer any other question about my” new life”? I don’t want him to feel sorry for me, and guilty , but also I don’t want to let him feel, I will have a great time, after his mean decision and behaviour. What’s best to do?
I understand him in someway, as I can force any one to love me, I think he iswas confused in a time and could not let he go completely in this relationship. But still why he did not give me an opportunity? When he saw I was improving myself ?
He always said he is my friend, and I feel terribly sad of loosing him as such, because I don’t feel like talking to him after I leave , I feel this situation has damaged again my self stem and I feel so hurt and disappointed.
5 - I don’t know how to behave when he comes leaving him a taste of dignity of me, also I don’t want him to think I am angry, or I am ungrateful.
6-Also I feel so bad because I am thinking to disappear from his life once I’ve moved out… , but if he calls eventually which would be the best way to deal with it showing some gratefulness?
7- How can I cope with the fact I will be living in awful conditions, and start everything as when my husband left me 2 years ago?
8--And The biggest concern , is that I feel that the fact that I still don’t speak perfectly English, and I am not very intellectual, even though my efforts , I will always be rejected and alienated and unable to aspire to be with a cultured gentleman in this British Society as I am used to now. This is really making me feel powerless and with great feelings of frustation and confusion about love and society.
Thank you so much for your advice