What can I do to make my girlfriend feel welcome when she moves in?

August 5, 2008 2:40 PM

My girlfriend is going to be moving from far away to live with me for at least a couple of months. I want to do something nice with my place that will make her feel welcome when she arrives. But what?

As it turns out, it wasn't forever. I went there. We had a painful five months. She came here. And then she decided that this long distance thing sucks. She's moving back at the end of the month. I win!

She's going to have three months to find a job and get a work visa, and the plan is for her to live with me at least for that long. We're undecided about what we'll do after that - we could move in together, but we don't want to make that decision right now. If we do make that leap, it'll be to a new place, and I'm sure more AskMe questions will follow.

Following on to a similar question I saw posted here some time ago (but can't find right now), I'd like to do something nice with my place to make her feel welcome. She's spent plenty of time there in the past so it isn't totally alien to her. But I'm thinking of things like stocking a drawer in my dresser with stuff she can use (suggestions?), clearing out part of my closet for her clothes ahead of time, etc. Basically, things that say, "This is your space now too." I'm open to anything!

posted by autojack to home & garden (31 comments total)

make space for her and her stuff. clean everything, buy some flowers and make dinner.
posted by gnutron at 2:45 PM on August 5

Clean your house. Really well. Then clean the bathroom again. :)
posted by Abbril at 2:48 PM on August 5 [4 favorites]

Flowers are nice. If there is any sort of art she likes, buy it, frame it, and hang it. Or do that with a photograph she loves.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:57 PM on August 5

Hire a maid to really, really, really clean. And then make sure there is plenty of room in the bathroom for her toiletries, which will take up 5 times more space than you think they should.
posted by saffry at 2:57 PM on August 5

You can try some stuff from this thread.
posted by procrastination at 3:02 PM on August 5

Seconding making room for her toiletries. Putting a caddy in your shower or clearing out a shelf in the linen closet would be good if you don't have much shelf/counter space in your bathroom.

Getting awesome sheets, and new pillows/comforters if your current ones are kind of worn, would be lovely. Possibly a fluffy new bath towel or two for her use.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:05 PM on August 5

My answer in the thread procrastination linked applies equally to this question, I think.

Basically, try and look at your place with outside eyes, and make the changes to it that will make it yours plural rather than yours singular. Have a little wrapped up gift basket or something for when she walks in the door, with house keys, some treats, and a gift certificate to a massage/spa, plus some little present that will make her smile.

Especially if she is coming from so far away, work extra hard to help her make the connections that will keep her from feeling isolated. Connect her into your group of friends, make sure she has a bus pass or your car keys and a map, and have a list printed out (with addresses, phone numbers, maps, etc) of groups or events that you know she would be interested in. Like, the places where she can hear her favorite music, or meet people who play her favorite game or sport, or whatever.
posted by Forktine at 3:23 PM on August 5

As someone who was in a very similar position, my first reaction is to say "whatever you do won't matter, because you are both stepping into a doomed situtation, with her on the ass end of it." (I should also mention that everyone else I know who was ever in this situation fared just about as well as we did.) Assuming that you both know this, and are, as we were, suicidally OK with it, my advice is as follows: make space in your life, not your flat. Of course give her her own closet space and a clean bathroom and basically anything else a woman would expect as the bare minimum of somewhere she called home. She's moving into your life, not just your place, and probably bringing fuck all of her own life with her by comparison. So purposely make time for her -- don't make her ask, because she'll feel like she's imposing. Come home early from work by surprise when she's stuck there with nothing to do. Track down things you know she'd like to do, because you know the place and the scene and she doesn't. Basically work as hard for her as she is going to have to work to be happy in a new place. If you guys are extremely compatible and unusually lucky, maybe then things won't blow up in about six months.
posted by nímwunnan at 3:36 PM on August 5

Whatever you do, make sure the toilet seat is NOT up!
posted by Daddy-O at 3:43 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

Basically, things that say, "This is your space now too." I'm open to anything!

Well, you have the basic idea, which is good. Chances are, if she's a typical girl, and you're a typical guy, she has more clothes than you. Except apparently she's moving from Melbourne? So maybe she's not bringing more clothes than you have. Anyhow, if you want to feel like she's at home, not just staying at your home, clear out at least half of the clothing-space for her clothes. In fact, buy a new dresser. Make sure there's plenty of closet space too. If you have stuff in the bedroom closet(s) that could be kept elsewhere, do so.

Also, if you're a typical guy, and she's a typical girl, your styling sensibilities are different than hers. So I'd look into that a bit. Buy a few things that will make her feel more comfortable before she comes. Also, set aside a day about a week or two after she arrives to buy some things for the place. Some ideas: if you're the typical male mefite, you're a youngish male. You might not have all things that match, like towels, kitchen stuff, sheets, etc. If this is the case, get some matching stuff. Make sure to get two of everything if appropriate, like towels. Take a good look at the bathroom. Buy some things to help organize it. You'll need them, for her happiness as well as yours, when she arrives. Make sure it's clean too.

What sorts of things does she do around the house that you don't? Read, movies, cook, crafts, music? Make sure your home is prepared for her favorite household pastimes when she arrives.

Have the second key ready. No excuse. This is a small symbol with big meaning. Test it first too. Sometimes copies are a bit off, and require a little fidgeting. Either tell the landlord/key copier it's not good enough, or give her the good key, and keep the fidgety one.

Speaking of fidgeting. You know all those little things that when you give someone the tour, or whatnot, you always say "oh there's just x wrong with it, but no big deal"? Take care of as many of those as possible. Some of these might not be "fixable" per se, but might be "hackable". Something like low water pressure. You can't do anything about it at the source of the problem (maybe the landlord can). But you can get a new showerhead or a faucet nozzle or something.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 3:47 PM on August 5

Make space for her stuff. Ideally, clean out an entire closet for her (if you have two) and if you only have one bureau, empty out half of the drawers for her.

Do spring cleaning, not just spiffing your place up but also getting rid of crap that is lying around. It is going to be hard for her to feel at home if every available space for stuff is already covered with stuff.

Those wine corks that you have sitting around until you get to your next project? Extra clothes, unfinished furniture? Anything that you've been meaning to get around to, get rid of it. Freecycle, goodwill, or chuck it.

Buy her favorite foodstuffs. For example, when my partner comes home after a long absence I stock up on his favorite cola and 2% milk, neither of which I drink. It is a really nice gesture, as nice as flowers, to know that they thought ahead to make sure you'd have the right kind of milk for your coffee/cereal.

Last, best way to make she feels welcome? Iron out financial issues prior to her arrival so there is nothing uncertain. Is she paying any rent? How much? How will she get it to you? Will you split household expenses? Even if the answer to all of this is 'No', being clear that you're going to cover it all (or not) will help her feel more at ease and less like a guest.

Congrats!
posted by arnicae at 3:50 PM on August 5

when my boyfriend and i first moved in together, i chucked all of my old, ratty towels and went to target and bought new ones. not a lot, just a couple, and he said it made him feel like they were "ours". a few weeks later, we bought a shower curtain and a bathmat - this very cheap renovation of the bathroom, a neutral territory, made us both feel like we were on the first step of a very long journey. a joint purchase, big or small, goes a long way.
posted by kerning at 4:16 PM on August 5

1. Make room for her. Especially lots of room for her girly stuff in the bathroom.
2. Clean. Everything. Twice.
3.
4. Profit!
posted by wfrgms at 4:49 PM on August 5

the man who used to love me would iron the sheets for my arrival....
posted by peace_love_hope at 4:52 PM on August 5

Do you have many pictures on the walls?

If you do, you might want to consider taking some down, leaving the hooks up and letting her pick something out to replace them with. But do not under any circumstances question her choice if you do this - I had an ex once tell me that my favourite wall painting - now one of the few items I'm going to put into storage rather get rid of while traveling - was ugly, and couldn't go on the living room wall and that really made it always feel like it was her home, rather then ours.

You might think about putting together some sort of photo montage/collage piece that includes pictures with her and her friends, not just you and your friends, you and her and you, her, and your friends.

And yes, clean the bath room, and then do it again!

Get a female friend to inspect the house to catch anything you missed.

And don't "hide" anything I'm not (just) talking about your porn stash, rather just putting old products to the back of a cupboard out of sight and out of mind, in the hopes she'll not notice then, or if you do point it out with a "This is where I put crap I don't know what to do with" so she doesn't get surprised by what is lurking at the back of the kitchen or what have you.
posted by paulfreeman at 5:01 PM on August 5

Whoa, nímwunnan... thanks for the vote of, uh, unconfidence? I'm not sure what you think is happening. My girlfriend is moving in with me for a little while. Maybe longer. She lived in this city for almost three years before moving away, two and a half of which were before she knew me. You make it sound like I'm getting a mail-order bride or something. I take your points on making space for her in my life, but I hardly think the situation warrants blanket prophesies of doom.

I like the cleaning ideas, I think that's an excellent place to start. We're both pretty similar in our preferences on neatness and cleanliness, so I know we'd both appreciate that. I've been wanting to get the carpets cleaned too, so I'll get that done.

New sheets are a great idea. I've been wanting some, this is a great excuse to get them. On the other hand, I'd like to let her help choose them, as other people have suggested. Same goes for other things along these lines, like a new dresser, etc.

Ironing out the financial issues: another good idea. We've discussed them casually and we're in agreement, but I should let her know specifically what my thoughts are and get it settled.

Lots of space cleared in the bathroom, closet, and dresser drawers: check, check, check.
Keys for her (which I've tested): check.
Favorite foods: check.
I've been toilet-seat trained already...

Lots of good ideas so far, and I'm open to any others! Thanks guys : )
posted by autojack at 5:12 PM on August 5

Get a subscription to the local paper so she can hunt for jobs (and do the crossword).
posted by mdonley at 5:22 PM on August 5

With all the answers you've gotten over the course of this relationship, if you ever tie the knot you'll have to acknowledge metafilter at the wedding.
posted by Estragon at 5:44 PM on August 5

New sheets are a great idea. I've been wanting some, this is a great excuse to get them. On the other hand, I'd like to let her help choose them, as other people have suggested.

Let her pick them from a catalog before she arrives. Really, she'll start to feel like it's her place. The other thing is to make a spot for her in every room. If she feels like a guest in your living room; she won't be at home in the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Think about what she'll need to network/search for a job - provide that. Do you have a quality printer and a spot for her to work on her resume?
posted by 26.2 at 6:10 PM on August 5

Definitely do the basic stuff like cleaning and making room for her stuff, but otherwise just be prepared for the fact that she'll want to make specific changes after she moves in that you (and we) won't be able to anticipate. Things like moving the furniture around, getting new gadgets for the kitchen, replacing or upgrading furnishings, etc. If you're ready and willing to work together with her on doing so (i.e., going shopping with her, using your big manly muscles to help move stuff) it'll be a nice bonding experience for the two of you, and you may very well find that you wind up with a nicer looking, more comfortable place as a result.
posted by orange swan at 6:12 PM on August 5

Have any pictures of the two of you? Maybe hang one up or set it in a frame somewhere in the bedroom or living room.

THe other advice is great, and I've been through something similar. Seems so obvious, but - make space (in closets, dresser drawers, vanity, medicine chest, shelving, storage areas) and clean - those are great ideas.

Think through your household systems - where does dirty laundry go until it's washed? What are the parameters for how long dishes can sit? Do you want to make a day every two weeks for general cleaning and straightening? The beginning is a good time to communicate what you hope will happen here. Nicely.

Similarly, having the finances ready would be great. Don't just have your thoughts - have an average amount for the utilities, cable, internet, rent, heating oil, whatever, listed out with their standard due dates so she can see what she's in for. Don't spring this on her when you are enjoying the happy reunion of day one or two, but when you're ready to start the first "real" work/jobsearch week, take some time the night before to hash out the project plan for her getting settled, which will include the money part. Don't worry, you won't look greedy.

Oh, and would you like super points with the finance sheet? If you don't use condoms any more, plan to contribute 50% of the cost of her birth control and add that to your finance sheet.
posted by Miko at 7:06 PM on August 5

search again for the previous question. it had heaps of good advice.

and buy one of those little bins for the bathroom. one with a lid & a foot pedal.

clean all the crap out of the fridge & stock it with plenty of tasty, fresh food. preferably things she likes. if you don't know what she likes, just remember that yogurt is the official food of women, so buy up on dozens of different flavours.

if she's travelling across the country, she might like a nice bath when she arrives, so bath salts, clean (or new!) fluffy towels, a clean bathrobe etc are in order.

also, have something cooking. nothing nicer than walking into a place with warm, cooking smells at the end of a journey. especially if bread baking is involved (eg those rolls that are half baked that you finish off yourself). something homely like a nice pumpkin soup would be ideal with that. make sure you have sour cream to go in it. a roast is an acceptable alternative, but bread, yeh, that's the stuff. there's a reason the romans used to put their bakers at the front of their columns & set up the bakeries at the end of a long march before they did anything else.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:26 PM on August 5

I second a new shower curtain, above. So simple, but dirty, moldy shower curtains are gross.
posted by coppermoss at 7:56 PM on August 5

Make a little personalized guidebook of things to do in your area, everything from interesting sights to cafes with free wifi, so she has some idea of your (now her!) neighborhood. If you know your neighbors, let them know she's coming & introduce her to them once she arrives. Have a jar of vegemite/marmite on hand if you feel she'll get cravings. And whoever up there said have a bus pass & schedules ready, that is a brilliant idea.

This might be a little out there, but maybe get her a pet fish or something?
posted by troika at 12:28 AM on August 6

My girlfriend is moving in with me for a little while. Maybe longer. She lived in this city for almost three years before moving away, two and a half of which were before she knew me. You make it sound like I'm getting a mail-order bride or something.

Ah! Those things make a huge difference to how your situation sounds to me. Sorry to be the pessimist, but literally *every* time someone I know said "no more long distance .... needs a visa... moving here", the whole thing burned to the ground within a six months to a year, regardless of how strong the structure of their relationship was. This includes married couples, and, like I said, me and my ex. (I might mention that she and are are still best friends and both worked together for a long, long time to make things work, so this isn't sour grapes you're getting, it's humble acceptance.) My take on this is that when two active and interesting people are together and one of them has a life and their Significant Other and the other just has their SO, things are off balance in a serious way. So, yeah, you're right, I don't mean to assume that you two will suffer the same fate, but I feel fairly confindent in saying that, no matter how hard you think it will be, it will be harder than that. But I think you have a major advantage now that I know that your girlfriend has lived there before. So I wish you luck -- really. I hope it can work. Oh, yeah, I agree that a new shower curtain is a good idea too.
posted by nímwunnan at 1:05 AM on August 6

Have a jar of vegemite/marmite on hand if you feel she'll get cravings

Wait, she's Australian? You presumably know by now whether she likes Vegemite or not...if so, *GET SOME* ~ it's not like we're addicts or anything, but that'll be an instant fix for her & help her feel at home. Plus, it's a nice little gesture.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:28 AM on August 6

you could answer the door when she arrives wearing this
posted by birdlips at 10:02 AM on August 6

Hire a maid to really, really, really clean before she arrives, and have the maid keep cleaning once a week. Your girlfriend is not moving in clean up after you. If you're in the habit of leaving your dirty laundry on the bathroom floor, stop. Also, get in the habit of making the bed, if you aren't already.

And then make sure there is plenty of room in the bathroom for her toiletries, which will take up 5 times more space than you think they should.
posted by saffry at 5:57 PM on August 5 [+] [!]

Fixed that for you.
posted by bilabial at 10:10 AM on August 6

Thanks guys : ) I have a long list now, and I just scheduled carpet cleaning and got the name of the apartment cleaning service my friend uses. Also thought of some other things I can get that I know she'll appreciate. Yay!
posted by autojack at 12:09 PM on August 6

you could answer the door when she arrives wearing this

As if you wouldn't answer the door, if she arrived wearing that!
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:40 PM on August 6

Oh, and if anything is broken or not working properly around the place, fix it.
posted by orange swan at 1:09 PM on August 7