What songs make you wonder whether humanity should even bother?

July 25, 2008 9:05 AM

What's the most wretched, insipid song you can think of? (I realize there's a previous thread of "worst songs ever", but this is a distinct issue, albeit with potential overlap.)

In particular, what song has basically put you through the following stages:

1. Flabbergasted denial. "Can I really be hearing a song this stupid? How can anybody actually like this?"

2. Indignant rage. "I want to tear the speakers out of the ceiling and bash them to pieces against my forehead."

3. Anguish. "If humanity destroys itself, would that be such a bad thing?"

posted by Beardman to media & arts (166 comments total)

Pretty much pick any country music produced between 1990 and now. Johnny Cash's American recordings don't count.
posted by spicynuts at 9:12 AM on July 25

"When a Man loves a Woman" does that to me.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:13 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

I'd have to go with "Jealous Guy" by the rapper Mase, with guest vocals from Puff Daddy in the second verse.

To anyone who clicks that link, I apologize in advance.
posted by sabira at 9:14 AM on July 25

Most songs by Creed fulfill all three for me.

Note: I don't know how helpful this thread is going to be. I predict many songs people list are greatly enjoyed by other folks.
posted by ORthey at 9:15 AM on July 25

Just about anything by a mainstream hip-hop/rap "artist" from the last 15-20 years. E.g. the gem "Ho" by Ludacris:

You doin ho activities
With ho tendencies
Hos are your friends, hoes are your enemies
With ho energy to do whacha do
Blew whacha blew
Screw whacha screw
Yall professional like DJ Clue, pullin on my coat tail
an why do you think you take a ho to a hotel?
Hotel everybody, even the mayor
Reach up in tha sky for tha hozone laya
Come on playa once a ho always
And hos never close they open like hallways
An heres a ho cake for you whole ho crew
an everybody wants some cuz hoes gotta eat too

posted by Nelsormensch at 9:17 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

Evanescence.
posted by ruwan at 9:18 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

Afternoon Delight. The YouTube link -- if you dare. There have been a lot of great songs about fucking. This isn't one of them.

OK, if you followed that link, you probably can't feel anything any more. So ...

Christmas Shoes. Video with Rob Lowe.
posted by maudlin at 9:19 AM on July 25

Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime". And yet I love McCartney II. Go figure!
posted by anazgnos at 9:20 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

The freecreditreport.com commercials make me nerd rage.
posted by knowles at 9:20 AM on July 25 [6 favorites]

Des'ree, "You Gotta Be".
Lenny Kravitz, "Fly Away".
posted by equalpants at 9:20 AM on July 25

Pretty much anything by The Grateful Dead,
posted by DWRoelands at 9:20 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

"she's a hottie" toby keith. even more hideous than the boot in your ass song, if you can imagine.
posted by domino at 9:21 AM on July 25 [4 favorites]

Chatfilter Blues by beardman.
posted by sanko at 9:22 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

It's My Humps. My Humps My Humps My Humps.
posted by melissa may at 9:22 AM on July 25 [8 favorites]

I have a sincere hostility towards smooth jazz, which gives actual jazz a bad name. The number one song that fits the 'insipid' bill is Alicia Keys' 'Diary', which is leaps and bounds worse than the lyrics show:

And only we know what talked about baby boy
Don't know how you can be driven me so crazy boy
Baby when your in town why don't you come around boy
Be the loyalty you need you can trust boy

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary
posted by spamguy at 9:23 AM on July 25

I should've said smooth jazz and R&B, since Alicia Keys doesn't really count as the former, even though commercial smooth jazz stations play her anyway.
posted by spamguy at 9:24 AM on July 25

Lenny Kravitz, "Fly Away"
The Blackeyed Peas, "My Humps"

Please, please tell us what this is for.
posted by contraption at 9:25 AM on July 25

Anything by Lenny Kravitz or Sammy Hagar.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:26 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Damn, should've read more closely. I still hope you tell us why you want these.
posted by contraption at 9:26 AM on July 25

Soulja Boy - Donk
I wouldn't be surprised if it became a radio hit though...
posted by rancidchickn at 9:27 AM on July 25

My Humps!
posted by unixrat at 9:28 AM on July 25

Celine Dione doing the theme from Titanic, or a sharp stick in the eye? Sharp stick wins.

Also, have you heard Michael McDonald's Christmas Album?
posted by johnvaljohn at 9:28 AM on July 25

Dirty Laundry by Don Henley.
Hated it the first time I heard it and I still hate it.....
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:29 AM on July 25

Anything by Hootie and the Blowfish. "Let Her Cry" in particular.
posted by cashman at 9:29 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Man, this question harshed my Bo Diddley high, but I gotta give it to Bobby Goldsboro's Honey (YTL - click if you dare). Now there was a song I came across while driving that was on the Pacifica station, with lines like, "No more Genocide!...(several second pause)..nnnoooooo.... .mooooooorrrrrrrreeeee...ggggggeeeennnnnoooociiiide.") It basicaly blew, but blew on a different level and I don't know the song or singer nor will I blow an AskMefi on it.

I purposely train myself to listen to bad music to improve my concentration e.g., listen to Cantaloop or Itsy Bitsy Bikini for 6 hours without flinching but the Goldsboro will make me talk the crazy to get the hell away from it.
posted by jadepearl at 9:29 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

MacArthur Park.
posted by turaho at 9:31 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

The From Justin to Kelly soundtrack. Also, Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.

(Linked to lyrics only, to spare you the soul-crushing horror.)
posted by cog_nate at 9:32 AM on July 25

"E-Mail My Heart," by Britney Spears. Just so insipid.

Also from the same album, "Born to Make You Happy." Ugh! Even as a wee 14-year-old in suburban Ohio, I knew that songs like that were like kicking feminism in its ladynads.
posted by harperpitt at 9:33 AM on July 25

Another vote for "My Humps".

...can I make that a couple million votes?
posted by owtytrof at 9:34 AM on July 25

What's that Gloria Estaphan & MSM song that goes, "1-2-3-4-....come on baby, say you love me...5-6-7 times."? It's stopped haunting my life, but one summer when I was back in high school, it came on the radio so many times in one day that I actually wept in rage. (Might have been the same summer I discovered coffee?)

Another one is that Natalie Imbruglia tune, "Torn." In order to get to the point at which you really want to kill yourself, though, you have to be watching the video.
posted by dreamphone at 9:35 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Seconding "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro.

jadepearl and I aren't the only ones who feel that way.
posted by ibmcginty at 9:39 AM on July 25

LFO - "Summer Girls"
posted by LionIndex at 9:42 AM on July 25

Afroman's "Because I Got High". I thought it was amusing at first, then my brain wanted to shrivel and die.

My Humps, of course. I couldn't listen to that song for more than a second.

Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave 4 U"

Anything by Pearl Jam
posted by curagea at 9:44 AM on July 25

Dear Dolly and Whitney:

I will NEVER love you.

I don't care how many times you say the opposite.
posted by mephron at 9:45 AM on July 25

Mmmmmbop.

I think most of the rage came from how often it was played back in '96 or whenever that was. It sometimes seemed like every other song on the radio, no matter the station, was Mmmmmbop. You couldn't avoid it. And it was so catchy, it'd get stuck in your head all day, or other people would be humming it and infect you. It was Hell.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:46 AM on July 25

I have to second Lenny Kravitz's "Fly Away."

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

Ugh. He goes on to rhyme "stars" and "Mars," which inevitably reminds me of a much better song I could be listening to.
posted by Knappster at 9:46 AM on July 25

When my fiancee and I were staying in Florence, we rented a little apartment situated just next door to a quaint Italian restaurant. It wasn't anything special, really, since Florence is a huge tourist city and Italian restaurants are a dime a dozen. (The food isn't generally that great, either, but that's a story for a different time.) Anyway, we settled in the first day, unpacked our stuff and walked around the area a bit. We were loving every minute of it, trying to remember how to speak the language, finding our way around the piazze, and so on. That night, we got back to the apartment somewhat early, around eight or nine, since we were exhausted from traveling.

As soon as we lay down in the bed, the music started.

From next door, echoing with gusto in the small street and drifting through our windows (closed, curtains drawn) came the song. At first we couldn't believe our ears, we thought it must be some other tourist playing a joke. No, brief reconnaissance revealed the truth: there was live music being performed at the restaurant next door, and they were singing "That's Amore."

They sang it at least three times that night, about once every hour or so. Each day we were there. For a week.

Oddly enough, they often followed it up with a strange rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody," which I actually came to enjoy. But every time they sang about the moon hitting someone's eye like a big a-pizza pie, my fiancee and I just looked at each other in stunned silence, unable to give voice to our mutual hatred of the song.

So, now, if you ask me what song makes me wonder whether humanity should even bother, my answer must be: "That's Amore".
posted by voltairemodern at 9:47 AM on July 25

OP here. To answer the question "What is this for?": it's not going towards anything, just my curiousity. I recently happened to hear Limp Bizkit's "My Way" (or is it "My Way or the Highway"?), and my outlook on humanity clouded over fast. It's the way he whines "It's my way" at the penultimate moment of the chorus. That's when I reach for my revolver.

Maybe I'll compile the results. It's therapeutic to hear of others' misanthropic reactions to popular tunes.

(But I'm sorry I harshed somebody's Bo Diddley high. Heyyyyy, Bo Did'ly.)
posted by Beardman at 9:47 AM on July 25

I remember moving through exactly those stages of disgust when listening to OMC's "How Bizarre." YTL. The worst part being the supporting vocals/chorus.
Almost as annoying as Alanis Morisette's "Ironic."
posted by dorothy humbird at 9:48 AM on July 25

This is a compilation of songs that do this to me.
posted by rooftop secrets at 9:49 AM on July 25

Got to be "MacArthur Park". I was 5 or 6 the first time I heard it, and even at that age I had just the sense of disbelief you describe.

"Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can TAKE it,
Cause it took so long to BAKE it,
And I'll never have that recipe again.... OH NOOOO!"

Even after a few decades, I still find it hard to believe that song actually exists.

Also, "The Pina Colada Song".
posted by Daily Alice at 9:50 AM on July 25 [3 favorites]

Also, Creed, Nickelback, et al.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:50 AM on July 25

I nominate "Who Let The Dogs Out" by the Baha Men.

I have always hated "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head".

Also, Wikipedia has a pretty good list.

I think "My Humps" is redeemed by the excellent Alanis Morissette cover.
posted by w0mbat at 9:50 AM on July 25

Have a Heart by Bonnie Raitt, Carnival by Natalie Merchant, and Constant Craving by kd lang all have this snoozy, boring, aimless, amusical sound to them and every time I hear them I want to stab people.
posted by pieoverdone at 9:51 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Feelings.
Anything by Barry Manilow.
Anything by Neil Diamond.
Honey.
Knock Three Times.

I refuse to link to any of this shit.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:52 AM on July 25

Emerson Lake and Palmer's "Love Beach" is one big sucking black hole of cheesiness and misogyny. It's the aural equivalent of a fly-blown corpse.

Other candidates for my Stupid Song Hall of Fame: "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo (the name itself induces cringes), and "Obsession" by Animotion - bad lyrics AND bad singing.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:53 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

Oh, and fucking Michael fucking Bolton! I hate Michael Bolton!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:54 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Anything sung by Michael Bolton.

Oh, and the Pina Colada song. *shudder*
posted by konolia at 9:55 AM on July 25

One of mine has been One Ton, "Super Sex World". Sage words:

Super Sex World,
Super Sex World goin' up and down.
Super Sex World,
Super Sex World goin' up and down.

Bubbudy-up-bub dee-addah day
Bubbudy-up-bub dee-addah day
Bubbudy-up-bub dee-addah day
Bubbudy-up-bub dee-addah day

Also, continuing the theme of my national shame, Avril Lavigne, "Complicated".
posted by Beardman at 9:55 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Also would like to add perennial contenders on any list of this sort:

Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Look How Famous My Daughter Is So By Proximity I Am Famous Again Too Cyrus
Butterly by Crazy Town
Barbie Girl by Aqua
posted by rooftop secrets at 9:56 AM on July 25

Destiny's Child - Cater 2 U
Beyonce - Upgrade You

Both these songs make me want to punch people.

Also, I have to second "Summer Girls" by LFO. This one makes me want to set things on fire.

New Kids On The Block, had a bunch of hits.
Chinese food makes me sick.

What?!

Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

What?!
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:02 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

I sometimes sneak "How Can We Be Lovers" by Michael Bolton into my ipod playlists so I can appreciate life's ups and downs and sometimes be jolted into a wakeful state on my morning commute. It builds character. Music I like is so much better when immediately contrasted with a song that contains the line "Whoa, whoa, when theres no
communication/ Whoa, whoa, its a no win situation." A NO-WIN SITUATION! This is a song that contains office jargon! It is so horrible! I can just see the focus group that caused it to be written. I feel hives growing on my back. I better go listen to it right now.

Another song that I sneak into playlists is "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain. I have actually cried at a karaoke bar when a group of drunk, overweight girls wearing halter shirts and miniskirts "Whoo!"-ed their way through this song. It was that bad. Tears.

(I also sneak Rush into playlists like this, but Rush is a different kind of bad than what you're asking for. I feel it's unfair to simply reply with music one doesn't like. Not liking music doesn't make it bad. I don't like, say, Aerosmith, but it's not bad in the same way as Michael Bolton or Shania Twain. Soulless bad.)
posted by millipede at 10:03 AM on July 25

I've never understood the hate projected towards Lenny Kravitz. While he's not good by any measure of the word, he's not the end-all-be-all of suckitude that people make him out to be. He's just a pretty boy who can kinda play guitar and was lucky enough to be born into a Hollywood family. There are much better targets for contempt out there, like, say, 90 percent of rappers, every person involved in creating an Eagles album, from the recording engineers to the guy who swept up at the vinyl pressing plan, Eddie Vedder for popularizing the through-gritted-teeth singing style that the waterheaded so adore, and Coheed and Cambria for writing music so bad that at first exposure I was certain they were a comedy band.
posted by bunnytricks at 10:06 AM on July 25

I can barely bring myself to even acknowledge its existance, but Mike Oldfield's Moonlight Shadow.
/me shudders
posted by handybitesize at 10:13 AM on July 25

Akinyele - Put It In Your Mouth
Seconding Coheed and Cambria
Anything by Dee Dee Ramone
posted by dunkadunc at 10:17 AM on July 25

I can think of only one song off the top of my head:

My Humps.

It's the only song that actually makes me angry.
posted by slimepuppy at 10:17 AM on July 25

Any Lionel Richie.
posted by rokusan at 10:18 AM on July 25

I'm a Barbie Girl - Aqua

You've been warned.
posted by jluce50 at 10:20 AM on July 25

Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
George Harrison - Got My Mind Set On You

Both strong contenders, but for sheer inescapable fingernails down the blackboard of my mind vapid horror, there is only

Whitney Houston - Greatest Love Of All

No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity
posted by flabdablet at 10:20 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

Soul Asylum's "Misery" makes me want to vomit.
posted by ms.v. at 10:20 AM on July 25

Don't Worry, Be Happy.
I am tempted to favorite everyone who said My Humps.
posted by pointystick at 10:21 AM on July 25

Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch."
posted by Carol Anne at 10:22 AM on July 25

Meet Virginia.

Most of the "lite" songs I tend to hear at the drugstore or the dentist's office make me wonder how the people involved in the song's production could have tolerated it, and whether a profession involving cleaning up roadkill or examining stool samples might be more enjoyable. Hang out in a CVS for half an hour and you'll find a nice long playlist of terrible music.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:23 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

I had never thought Lenny Kravitz was "the end-all-be-all of suckitude" either, when I was only exposed to his singles. I thought "Fly Away" was shit, but not an abomination on the magnitude of a "My Humps".

However, that changed when a cafe I went to played an entire Kravitz album front to back. I think it was a newer offering. By the third song I was digging my fingernails into my palms and sweating. (Adding further insult was the fact that I'd brought friends from out of town, informing them that this cafe was a "cool place.")

Even if Lenny doesn't have the stuff to break you down in the span of 3 minutes, try giving him 9.
posted by Beardman at 10:25 AM on July 25

Oh, that's a low blow, Carol Anne. Now you've forced me to list Kelis - Milkshake.
posted by flabdablet at 10:26 AM on July 25

Clint Holmes - Playground in my Mind
R.E.O. Speedwagon - Can't Fight this Feeling
Crazy Town - Butterfly
posted by porn in the woods at 10:31 AM on July 25

Georgia Satellites, Keep Your Hands to Yourself. I won't even link; you know it. It makes me violently angry. The hate is too much.
posted by peep at 10:32 AM on July 25

Has anyone mentioned More Than Words? Whiny tune, whiny and manipulative lyrics.

Missy Elliott, Work It -- "Your girl acting stank than call me ova .... Lost a few pounds in my whiffs for ya .... You won't find a bitch that's even betta.... I'm not a prostitute but I can give you whatchu want. Love the way my ass bump bump bump bump bump bump. Keep your eyes on my bump bump bump bump bump." ("Missy, you deserve to be loved for YOU.") The song Pussycat is ten times worse, but they don't play that one on the radio.

Also, I realize I'll get hate mail over this one, but at least two Beatles songs make me want to shoot myself. Like "Let It Be." 15 of 19 words in the chorus are the phrase "let it be." Ad nauseam. And they repeat the chorus a few times at the end, don't they? The verses are nice, but c'mon man, let it be already!
posted by salvia at 10:33 AM on July 25

This would be 75% of the songs that they play over and over at my job, but the one that makes me want to tear my ears out is Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell. I have to listen to that thing twice a day at least. How can ANYBODY actually like that? (and apparently a lot of people do).

From an ideological point of view (well, it doesn't sound too great either), Los Lonely Boys Heaven blows me away, and not in a good sense. I've never heard anything so whiny and entitled: "God, this world you made for me sucks! When do I get to go to this paradise thing you promised me?"
posted by frobozz at 10:35 AM on July 25

Like anazgnos Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" literally gives me full body shivers of nausea and disgust, but my number one most wretched song is Meatloaf's "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was some kind of brain-splitting parody of melodramatic rock opera. I am under the impression that many people feel the song contains lighthearted humor, but when I hear it it, I'm too busy moaning and depersonalizing to notice.
posted by mostlymartha at 10:38 AM on July 25

Then of course there's this piece of faux-soulful claptrap with paedophilic leanings...
posted by flabdablet at 10:41 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

nthing Sometimes When We Touch. Sappiest, most insipid song ever enabled by Canadian Content Rules.

Paul McCartney: Silly Little Love Songs. Argh.
posted by Rumple at 10:41 AM on July 25

Soulja Boy's "Crank That" and pretty much all rap music from the last 10 years.
posted by lullaby at 10:47 AM on July 25

I always thought the "hozone layer" was actually pretty funny, if in a pathetic sense. And several other songs in here are good.

I literally cannot listen to Carrie Underwood's "The Next Time" (you know, "The next time that he cheeeeeeats.... Oh, it won't be on me."). I used to work in a place that played music, and I couldn't restrain myself from changing the station any time it came on. The genre of music might radically shift, but it wasn't that song. It's not so much the lyrics as much as the, well, wretched and insipid-ness of it all.

The new Jesse McCartney song, which seems to consist of him saying, "Don't stress" over and over, irritates me, but not quite to the same extent that Carrie Underwood does. Not only is it not useful advice (if it were that easy, I wouldn't!), but it makes me angry, which makes me stressed.

I used to like Eminem. (Don't judge!) But his song "Kim" always profoundly bothered me. It's basically a (nasty) domestic dispute put to music.

I actually like the song, but Mims - This Is Why I'm Hot seems like it would fit right in. I always thought the refrain was particularly pointless: "I'm hot 'cause I'm fly; you ain't 'cause you not. This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot!" (Circular reason much?) His other one, "Like This," isn't particularly well-thought-out, either. But both are too catchy for me to criticize too much.

Oh, and Chamillionaire's "Ridin' Dirty." (I was predisposed to hate it based on the "Chamillionaire" name, seemingly a blend between a chameleon and a millionaire?) I heard it once as I was enrolled in a citizen's police academy, and we'd just discussed traffic stops and all their idiosyncrasies, so I couldn't help but notice major flaws in his logic. Namely: the tinted windows that make him difficult to see are illegal in many states; it almost sounds as if his gun is unloaded and in plain sight, which is how it should be carried; he admits in the song to DUI and to possession of a controlled substance; he's driving a huge hulkin' SUV, "swerving all up in the curve man," which is probably not a great way to go unnoticed; "doing 100 while I puff on a blunt" is an even worse idea, and the odor of marijuana in the car is automatic grounds for a search of the car, and, at least in Massachusetts, also a civil infraction that'll get your license suspended; open container violation; apparently rolling more blunts while driving (how many hands does he have?); he seems to imply that he'd shoot at the cops a few times; he accuses them of racial profiling after using "the N-word" to refer to the cops, which I don't think would be a very strong argument; he claims that he can't be arrested (despite having a plethora of warrants), nor sued.....
posted by fogster at 10:52 AM on July 25 [4 favorites]

3rding Barbie Girl as hard as I possibly can. Most people are suggesting songs that (IMO, I suppose I ought to add) can at least be appreciated ironically; I would consider making fun of Michael Bolton at Karaoke. But I would never, EVER want to subject myself to Barbie Girl. Even typing it is almost too much.

And, FWIW, Fergielicious and that London Bridge song are so much worse than My Humps. [or maybe thinking about The Burg just lessens the sting a bit.
posted by bah213 at 10:53 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

"Hey Genesee" by the Gin Blossoms makes me immediately smack the radio as though each additional note was another roofing nail hammered into my scrotum.

A lot of Gwen Stefani makes me feel like music in general has been harmed irreparably, particularly that song they play at ballparks that goes "Hee-whooo.... HEE-WHOOO...."

I actually think John Lennon's "Imagine" is a bad song with a terrible, nihilistic message. But it only reaches this level when covered by David Archuleta.
posted by Doctor Suarez at 10:57 AM on July 25

Barbie Girl... mainly after it was glamorized by all of the YouTubeDancerItes. The pre-teen children bouncing from bed to floor to wall while lip syncing the song was cute at first, I suppose.
posted by alcoth at 10:57 AM on July 25

I used to work in an office that piped in a "light" radio station, and it made the already awful job even more mind numbing. The number one song I remember from those days is "the end of the world" by Skeeter Davis. The verse where she sort of sing-talks is one of the most cringe inducing things I've ever heard.

Two songs that I hate that go together in my brain are "one less bell to answer" and Jewel's "you were meant for me" because they both mention making eggs. That's just weird, man.
posted by Biblio at 10:58 AM on July 25

To the OP, I can't believe you've actually heard of One Ton. I interviewed them back in a previous life as a music journalist, nice people but my god. I remember carefully listening to the entire album trying to find something meaningful in their lyrics. Seems kind of ridiculous now.

As for mine... might be an unpopular answer based on my friends and families, but I cannot stand "Roam" by the B-52s. Somehow I had never heard it until a few months ago, but now I hear it everywhere and it's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

Also, watch the video for Girlicious's Stupid and try not to lose faith in today's youth. Congratulations Robin Antin, you've truly brought "feminism" to a new level.

Oh god, and I just saw someone mention Meet Viriginia by Train. I would like to put forth anything by train, especially Drops of Jupiter. Ug.

Tangentially, also Maroon 5. "This Love" is so packed with a million hooks as to be completely grating and unlistenable. For some reason it's always seemed really cynical to me, can't really put my finger on why.
posted by yellowbinder at 10:59 AM on July 25

This song is the most anti-feminist song ever and makes me cringe at the very thought, even though I haven't heard it in 25 years or more, so that has to count for huge hatred points: I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.

Just look at this absurd crapfest:

Some times I've been to crying for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life
And never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring
The subtle whoring
That cost too much to be free ...

Now I have to go put my eyes out with hot knives.
posted by misha at 11:01 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

gaaaaahhhhh.....because of you, I clicked to actually see and hear My Humps for the very first time. Like Oedipus, but without the incest, I had to be driven to KNOW! To know why so many people hated My Humps.

Well the gods have punished me. My ears, 'cause now I have bad rhymes like "lady lumps!" My eyes, since those were not the finest asses ever, I think some were stunt asses and that is an evil deception wrapped in some bad booty shaking. Will.I.Am has a lot of penance to be doing...This is what REALLY annoys me, children may have been conceived to that song. That song may have been the feature of a PCE (pussy come easy) mix tape/cd/playlust.

I am going to be like dude in the White Snake tune and "like a ship, I was born to walk alone" or something like that. Gaaahhhh....I and my lady lumps need to get drunk.
posted by jadepearl at 11:02 AM on July 25

Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except the Pope maybe in Rome
posted by decagon at 11:05 AM on July 25

I can't imagine it is popular or anything, but Smell Yo Dick. NSFW, obviously.
posted by oflinkey at 11:07 AM on July 25

Carol Anne wins the thread. Gawd, I'd repressed that one.

Now, where's that melon baller? It's not as if I'll be using this frontal lobe any more ...
posted by maudlin at 11:09 AM on July 25

"If," by Bread, although to be fair this is because I am scarred by exposure to it during this production, which was essentially a sociological experiment to see whether you can spur an NYC theater audience to violence by replaying the same cheesy seventies ballad over and over again with no end in sight.
posted by yarrow at 11:10 AM on July 25

Smell Yo Dick is massively popular amongst people I know. Don't hate on Riskay. It's awesome because you know she's been there, and actually demanded to smell some guy's dick.

It's also good advice. If your man comes home at 5 in the morn', and something's goin 'on, you gotta smell the dick. If it smells like foreign pussy or freshly cleaned, you gotta DTMFA.
posted by yellowbinder at 11:10 AM on July 25

Doctor Suarez, it's "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms.

Personally, I can't stand it when lyrics fuck up things like pronoun antecedents. Little grammatical errors start me fuming. Fergie is particularly bad for this.

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned Neil Diamond or Steve Miller. When Miller rhymes "texas" with "facts is", that sets off my grammar issues and my insipidometer as well. But for me, this is the worst line is any song, ever:

I am, I said / To no one there / And no one heard at all / Not even the chair

(From "I am, I Said" by Neil Diamond)

That's fucked up. it's not hard to rhyme the "-air" sound; anyone could have come up with something better than that. Even if you're the sort of person who enjoys listening to songs like "I am, I Said", that lyric is like a smack. I don't know any further lyrics from that song, because from that point onward my brain is just gone, imagining a world where Neil Diamond lives among chairs who routinely are expected to hear things.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:14 AM on July 25

totally "My Humps". i came to this thread specifically to answer "My Humps", so it's completely gratifying to see it mentioned several times already.
posted by wayward vagabond at 11:16 AM on July 25

They're Coming To Take Me Away
Brandi, You're a Fine Girl
I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am
Billy Jean
I Am Woman
Ode to Billy Joe
At Seventeen
In The Ghetto
Barbara Ann
Come Monday

Only You. OK, I used to have a blue tick hound, that would start up bawling whenever this came on the radio. My wife thought it was funny, and encouraged him, even making a looped cassette. Ruined the dog; that woman had no heart.
posted by paulsc at 11:18 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

"Seasons in the sun" by Terry Jacks.

Admittedly, "Sometimes When We Touch" is really really awful, and seeing that mentioned has obliterated from my mind what I was going to put down as my #2 pick. But my #3 pick would have to be "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band.
posted by adamrice at 11:27 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

oooh! oooh! and the "Thong Song" by Sisqo.

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
posted by wayward vagabond at 11:33 AM on July 25

Drops of Jupiter by Train really, really does a number on me.
posted by Kloryne at 11:36 AM on July 25

Fidelity by Regina Spektor. I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness. Almost all of the songs on that commercial for "Buzz Cuts." Everything by Jimmy Buffett. Everything by that band Black Kids.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:36 AM on July 25

That earnestly insipid and whiny song with the chorus "Oh, it's what you do to me... it's what you do to me." Saccharine, and I really end up wanting to punch the singer every time I hear the song. Which was on the radio station my labmates listened to a _lot_ last summer. Also, "My Humps."

("McArthur Park", "Muskrat Love", and "Honey" are certainly contenders too.)
posted by ubersturm at 11:37 AM on July 25

Eh my link was screwy -

It the lyrics to Drops of Jupiter that get me, along with that "Nah nah nah nah nah nah" sing-songy vibe.

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey
posted by Kloryne at 11:37 AM on July 25

There is a whole genre of post 9/11 country songs that make me fume when I hear them.

It started as racist, jingoistic "patriotic" songs and has since morphed into "politics is stupid I just want to drink with my buddies, who are all good patriots, don't bother me with your left winger details about torture, etc."

As a patriotic person, this newer iteration offends me more than the first. Right after 9/11 people were pissed off and scared and shocked, blah blah knee jerk wingnuts blah blah. The second celebrates willful ignorance and denigrates anyone paying attention enough to be unhappy with American leaders are doing in our name. Fuck that. It's been 7 years! Burying your head in the sand is one step shy of treason in my book, and hearing songs that celebrate it, with a side helping of racism, incites both 1) flabbergasted denial and 2) indignant rage.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:42 AM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Yellowbinder, I didn't know One Ton by name until I Googled "Super Sex World", whose lyrics were seared into my brain when I worked in a pawn shop in the summer of 2002. It played on the radio two, maybe three times a day. Up and down, round and round it went.

Decagon, thanks for reminding me of one of the most laughable, ad hoc rhymes in recent pop music: "Nobody calling on the phone / 'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome." Was that copied from the fifth-grader across the aisle?

I just had lunch and my friend reminded me of The Song I've Most Bitched About Since It First Began Siphoning My Brain Cells: Daniel Powter: "Bad Day". This reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100! It was the most played song in the UK for five years! Why isn't that prophecied in the Book of Revelation?

Here's the thing about "Bad Day". The second-person address really emphasizes the loathesome, insulting invitation to make the song your soundtrack to your bad day. It's specifically tailored to make you say, "Hey! I had a bad day. I will sing along to this!" And there you are, mouthing the words in the supermarket lineup, in the crosshairs of my imaginary rifle.
posted by Beardman at 11:44 AM on July 25

Local H, So Pathetic

Christ, I hate that goddamn song. I never even knew the name of it or the band until I googled the lyrics just now.

Joan Osbourne, One of Us.

Nobody calling on the phone 'cept for the pope maybe in Rome GAAAAH! That has to be one of the worst lyrics in the history of the universe.
posted by bondcliff at 11:46 AM on July 25

Don't cha by the Pussycat Dolls "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot, like me?"
posted by Phalene at 11:49 AM on July 25

Anything by Josh Groban. It honestly astounds me that he's sold a single CD.
posted by EarBucket at 11:55 AM on July 25

Salvia:

Has anyone mentioned More Than Words? Whiny tune, whiny and manipulative lyrics.

See, I think that song is absolutely brilliant in the way it's done. So many people think of it as a wonderful, romantic song, when the entire focus of the song is "if you really loved me, you'd sleep with me", and that gets ignored by a lot of people.

I played it for a group of my friends, and handed out a sheet of the lyrics, causing one person go to "...WHY did I ever think this song is romantic? It's HORRIBLE!"

My job, it was done.
posted by mephron at 11:58 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]

I Can Only Imagine. I change the station (Christian stations, no less!) every time. What's worse is when they sing it in church and you're trapped by amateurs butchering the parasitic filth that it is already! Aaugh! At least they have the signature first three piano key notes to give you ample warning of impending spew ahead.

Of particular inspiration to better make use of my time by giving myself a frontal labotomy with a greasy truckstop spork, is the lead singers whiny "aaaaand"s.. Reminds me of Jim Carrey repeating the world's most annoying sound in Dumb and Dumber.
posted by vanoakenfold at 12:04 PM on July 25

"Lean on me." I was in a grocery market the other day and this was playing just barely above the normal din of the place and I swear the line "just/hold me" played for at least 30 reps.
posted by user92371 at 12:05 PM on July 25

Hey Macarena was (still is, I guess) really bad but mostly because they’d always play it at weddings so you’d see grandmothers dancing (badly) to a song about a girl whose boyfriend cheats on her so she goes off and cheats with not one, but two other guys. Perfect for a wedding.

Paul McCartney did a song a few years ago that contained the lyrics “there was a biker… he was an icon…” that was so horrible I don’t even want to google it for fear I’ll expose myself to more of it and kill myself as a result.
posted by bondcliff at 12:06 PM on July 25

Any song by the god-awful Joanna Newsom, because she has the most abysmally bad voice ever, and people actually like it.
posted by Dreamcast at 12:06 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around - you whiny douchebag
One of these days I'm going to do Sims video to that song where it's clear that the woman is totally over him and left him because he's an entitled jerk and his whole song is what he wished was happening. In reality, she married other dude and they have a wonderful life together because other dude is not a whiny, entitled douchebag.

Also - Motown songs when covered by old white dudes, specifically Michael McDonald and Michael Bolton. Listening to their lame covers drives me to paroxyms of rage.
posted by nooneyouknow at 12:18 PM on July 25

It occurred to me when I was a kid that the songs that I found to be vile and horrendous were someone's favorite songs. I've since had a bit of empathy for bad music, realizing that the stuff I like will probably drive some people (including my boyfriend) up a tree.

Things that drive me, personally, insane:
Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, and any other female "diva" vocalist who sings all high and whiney just because they *can*. You can hit high notes. Good for you. Please sit down.
Michael Bolton.
Kenny G. Kenny G makes me wish that a Constitutional Amendment could be passed outlawing the soprano sax.
"Tears in Heaven." I love Cream. I love Eric Clapton's early works. But here, here he jumped the shark. This song is just bad. Even worse? They played it at my high school dances and there were people getting all mushy and slow dancing to a song about the DEATH OF A TWO YEAR OLD. It's just bad. And wrong.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:21 PM on July 25

bondcliff

That Local H song is actually called Bound for the Floor. I saw all the misnamed lyrics site results in a google search, and can certainly understand why people who don't know the actual title would call it So Pathetic.

Also, I'm kind of surprised this thread is still here. Despite my earlier participation, upon reading the entire thing it seems extremely ChatFilterish.
posted by owtytrof at 12:25 PM on July 25

Like ibmcginty said: Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs.

Nthing "Barbie Girl," and curses on you, rooftop garden, for even reminding me that "Butterfly" exists.

Per small_ruminant, Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue - Toby Keith
There's an even worse one that I can't find--it's got a verse about all the liberal psychologists conspiring to keep footage of 9/11 off TV, or something. Anybody know what it is?

I'm Still a Guy - Brad Paisley: Yeah, with all of these men lining up to get neutered / It's hip now to be feminized / I don't highlight my hair / I've still got a pair / Yeah honey, I'm still a guy

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend - Marilyn Monroe (I had to sing this in 7th grade chorus. Spent the whole semester offended.)

Mandy - Barry Manilow

I was going to list "Tell Him," by The Exciters, but then I found this video, and now I love them.
posted by hippugeek at 12:25 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

cuppy cake song
IM Me by Nikki Cleary

Also, these
posted by sandking at 12:25 PM on July 25

"I Believe I Can Fly" is so aggressively, implacably formulaic, phony and insipid that it could send even Diane Warren into a diabetic coma.

The repulsive personal life of R. Kelly just adds a finishing smear of filth onto this loathesome smarm-fest.

Hearing it sends me not only through the three stages of anguish described by the OP, but also through the five stages of grief:
1. Denial. This is not happening. This is not happening.
2. Anger. What the hell kind of asshole allows this to be played in their establishment? Why can't they just shut it off, damn them?
3. Bargaining. I'll just focus on something else. I can use mind control.
4. Depression. People pay money to buy this song, to hear this guy "sing." I probably even know some of these people myself. Jesus, what kind of scum would have acquaintances that can tolerate this crap? I deserve to die.
5. Acceptance. Nothing lasts forever. Someday both R. Kelly and I will be dead, and the earth will eventually be incinerated when the sun turns into a supernova. Then "I Believe I Can Fly" will never hurt anyone again.
posted by ROTFL at 12:29 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

That "Sugar Goin' Down" song by Fall Out Boy does this for me. I can never even understand a damned word that idiot is saying.
posted by King Bee at 12:30 PM on July 25

Humps was also the first song that popped into my head. But since that's been covered, I submit Dreams of the Everyday Housewife for your consideration. It is unbearable.
posted by ailouros08 at 12:31 PM on July 25

That shit is Bananas.

b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Go to hell, Gwen, and damn you for dragging Pharrell into that horrible song. (Although the analysis of the song is still priceless.)
posted by haplesschild at 12:34 PM on July 25

I can't bear to look this up, sorry, but I think it's one of the American Idol girls who has a country-ish song in which, in the middle of ineptly driving her car off the road, she closes her eyes, raises her hands to heaven, and implores "Jesus, take the wheel!"

Every time I stumble into this song, I cringe, change the station -- and look around me at all the wide-eyed trembling drivers on the road just waiting for an excuse to hand over their terrifying, insurmountable task to a nearby deity.
posted by Tubes at 12:35 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Anything by Daniel O'Donnell... here's a particular grim example</a
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:36 PM on July 25

"Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors = MURDEROUS RAGE
posted by arcanecrowbar at 12:38 PM on July 25

"I don't know what a Hollaback Girl is – all I know is that I want her dead." -- Brian Griffin

I agree with Brian.
posted by bondcliff at 12:39 PM on July 25

"Daughters" by John Mayer makes me want to murder someone. Him, specifically.

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Gross.
posted by emd3737 at 12:41 PM on July 25 [4 favorites]

I forgot to mention the "her name is me" song. It trumps every other bad song, ever. It is by some girl who sings. It is vaguely modern-r&b-ish. It is about loving oneself enough to rid oneself of one's bad boyfriend. It blows. The chorus is "her name is me." Egad. I don't even know its name. I just know it played over and over again on top 40 radio last summer. Every time it came on, I wanted to kill myself and everyone around me. I owe it, though, because after three months of it ten times a day, I finally got brave enough to tell my coworker to use headphones. Because of that, I live in blissful ignorance of what songs are repeated ad nauseum on top 40 radio today.
posted by millipede at 12:46 PM on July 25

I'm not sure if any of the cacophonous noise they've produced could qualify as music, but System of a Down makes me physically sick when I hear it on my radio. It surely meets nos. 2 and 3 of your criteria.
posted by killy willy at 12:49 PM on July 25

god bless america. by just about anyone. i hate going to public events now because it's become all the rage to sing it there. also, lee greenwood's 'god bless the usa'.
posted by lester at 12:50 PM on July 25

Akon -- "Don't Matter". The insipid lyrics and the miserable robopop production make me want to rip my arm off and beat myself with it. Doesn't help that I heard it every. fifteen. minutes. last summer. (and then my iPod was stolen ... and all my defences stripped away ... *sob*)

It's hooky, granted, but that umbrella song drives me INSANE.

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

Tammy Wynette, Stand By Your Man. Someone oughta revoke her womanhood for that one.

And umpteenthing "My Humps", Billy Ray Cyrus, Aqua, and the Pope song. And probably some others, that I've successfully blocked out.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 12:50 PM on July 25

The one that does it to me is "Horse with no Name" by America. Mainly because the grocery store where I worked as a teenager had only one mixed tape to play as muzak throughout the day, and that song was on it. I listened to that damn song about ten times a day that entire summer. Argh.
posted by LN at 12:51 PM on July 25

R Kelly's "You Remind me of Something" has the dumbest lyrics of any song written by any human being ever. Cavemen wrote better lyrics than that. That song makes me want to smash things.
posted by cnc at 12:54 PM on July 25

AND, Donovan's kitsch factor notwithstanding, Hurdy Gurdy Man makes me want to get up and start sweeping things off tables in screaming frustration whenever I hear it.

Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang
Here comes the roly-poly man
He's singing songs of love
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly poly he sang
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly poly he sang

KILL KILL KILL
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 12:55 PM on July 25

I have been able to maintain the belief that the world is a good place, and though many of our artistic endeavors might be in vain, and though our bodies might wither, there are some works of outstanding human achievement that are pristine and cannot be defiled.

I believed this right up until I heard this cover of "Wicked Game" by H.I.M.

This world has turned to rot. May the days of God's wrath begin, and may those pernicious, idolatrous youtube commenters be the first in line for judgement.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 1:00 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

chudmonkey, I am proud to say that I did indeed mention the despised Mr. Diamond upthread.

She got the way to move me, Cherry!

I got the way to hurl, Neil!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:01 PM on July 25

While definitely not as well known, my vote goes to the appropriately titled, "My Dick," by Mickey Avalon (featuring Dirt Nasty??) Paragon of masculine ego that one is.
posted by Asherah at 1:01 PM on July 25

I am so glad that the Thong Song and Don't Cha have been mentioned, though I'm a bit worried at how long it took.
posted by triggerfinger at 1:05 PM on July 25

There's plenty of stuff I hate (like just about everything by boy bands) but this one, 'Living Next Door To Alice' by Roy 'Chubby' Brown makes me physically depressed every time I remember it... it's an unfunny, and I mean very unfunny, 'comedy' version of a not particularly great song to begin with. NSFW - swearing and subject matter.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:07 PM on July 25

OH GOD WALKING ON SUNSHINE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Also "Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles. Ew. Just... ew.
posted by Madamina at 1:09 PM on July 25

Billy Joel, the travesty that is 'Piano Man'

And this monstrosity: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat:

"I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feeling like a child now
’cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place"

Shoot me now.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:12 PM on July 25

Yeah--I suppose this must count as chatfilter. I should have read the FAQ more carefully. My apologies to the brass.

Before this thread probably gets deleted, then, thank you all for the commiseration. And, for what it's worth, it did end up serving a real purpose after the fact: I now have the, er, perfect mix CD for a friend whose birthday party is happening tonight. And more left over for the next several birthdays.
posted by Beardman at 1:13 PM on July 25

Just some quotes--I trust you'll know the songs:

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

Levon wears his war wound like a crown.
He calls his child Jesus
Cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest school in town

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them
If you did.

Awful, awful.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:17 PM on July 25

My first instinct was that Toby Keith song mentioned earlier. It is so horrible that it adds a fourth stage for me: shame and embarrassment on my country's behalf. More collective guilt than anything I inherited from the 1970s, even.

It will probably not make the all-time list, but I heard Usher's "Let's Make Love in the Club" yesterday, and I found myself grinding my teeth while going through stages 1-3.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:17 PM on July 25

If you play a CD of this swill tonight, Beardman, you will not be alive to see any more of your friend's birthday celebrations because you will be beaten to death by enraged party-goers.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:18 PM on July 25

Starship, We Built This City:

Chorus:
We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Jordan Sparks, Tattoo:

You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo,
Just like a tatto, I'll always have you.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 1:27 PM on July 25 [2 favorites]

Meatloaf. Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
My Humps.
Wonder ( Natalie Merchant ).
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:31 PM on July 25

My true anguish of the this song's-mere-existence-pains-me variety is nearly always due to a terrible cover of a song by an artist I like (that Moby version of "Straight to Hell") or a terrible song by an artist I like (most post-Cream Eric Clapton, but especially "Wonderful Tonight"). The recognition is followed immediately by your 1-2-3 steps.

This is why "Make You Feel My Love" is the most soul-crushing, worst, emptiest song ever.

I was prepared to make this statement before when I only knew of it as a song Bob Dylan had written for Billy Joel, but having googled it to check the title and seen on its Wikipedia entry who else has covered it, I think if you put all of those on a CD together, you could kill people with it. I was going to quote from it to prove how bad it was, but I feel a little ill now. I think I have to go.
posted by fidelity at 1:31 PM on July 25

"Daughters" by John Mayer makes me want to murder someone. Him, specifically.

Yes!! Gross. And infuriating.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 1:32 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

mephron, that was one of the things I liked about REM's "The One I Love." For some reason people thought it was a sweet romantic song.

Ok, speaking of the '80s- how about "Dear God" by XTC?
posted by small_ruminant at 1:32 PM on July 25

Walking on Broken Glass - Annie Lennox
The Tide is High - Blondie
posted by Aznable at 1:39 PM on July 25

"It's a Small World After All" (we should play that 24/7 in the hills of Pakistan if we really wanted to flush out Al Qaeda).
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:40 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

What's the most wretched, insipid song you can think of?

That's easy! It's You Remind Me Of Something by R. Kelly.

You remind me of something
I just can't think what it is

You remind me of my jeep
I wanna ride it
Something like my sounds
I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars
I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend it baby

GAAAAAAH
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 1:45 PM on July 25

I strongly oppose deleting this as chatfilter. However, Taken's last comment makes me worry that this list might be used for nefarious purposes, contrary to musical/ethical norms. Please provide reassurance.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:47 PM on July 25

"Follow Me" by (Your Creepy) Uncle Kracker. I want to step on that smug rat-voiced fucker's enormous pillsbury face.
posted by granted at 1:51 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

Camp Grenada by Allen Sherman I think.
posted by hibery at 1:53 PM on July 25

Crank That (Soulja Boy)
posted by crunch buttsteak at 1:56 PM on July 25

Crank That (Soulja Boy)

I thought of that but couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called... first hearing that was a real 'this is what the kids like now... get off my lawn!' moment
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:09 PM on July 25

Don't forget Shawn Mullins - Lullaby.

This cut and Train were duking it out for radio play in the late 90s and I couldn't decided who I liked less.

Oh, and fuck Uncle Kracker.
posted by porn in the woods at 2:15 PM on July 25

Temptation is a part of life, doesn't matter if it's wrong or right.

Oh Corina, it's like you are writing about my life! Temptation is a part of it! And it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right!

My wife has this on a mixtape that we only play when taking a long, fun car trip. Also on the tape, not one but two completely indistinguishable C+C Music Factory songs. Favorite lyric: It's your world and I'm just a squirrel / Trying to get a nut to move your butt to the dance floor

Good times. On the other hand, her family gave me the newer Einsturzende Neubauten CD this Xmas.
posted by ferdydurke at 2:21 PM on July 25

that was one of the things I liked about REM's "The One I Love." For some reason people thought it was a sweet romantic song

"A simple prop/to occupy my time" wasn't enough of a clue. See also: "Every Breath You Take."

Anything by Lenny Kravitz or Sammy Hagar.

Except "Are You Gonna Go My Way" and "Heavy Metal."
posted by kirkaracha at 2:23 PM on July 25

I can't believe Mariah Carey has only been mentioned a single time, and that "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker didn't get mentioned until a few posts above me.

Another truly wretched song is "Underneath It All" by No Doubt, which, as far as I can tell, is the theme song of all women who sit there and suffer domestic abuse.

And whoever mentioned the LFO song first, I hate you forever for reminding me of its existance.

Oh, and on preview: Fuck Shawn Mullens. Fuck him in hell forever.
posted by Caduceus at 2:35 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

I cannot believe that no one has yet mentioned "Having My Baby".
posted by litlnemo at 2:36 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

I'm kind of shocked how many people hate Lenny Kravitz-- I really thought I was alone with my rage.

The first song I remember viscerally hating was You Oughta Know (Alanis).

And although I can't name a single Grateful Dead song, anytime one comes on in a bar or party or something, I always ask "what is this horrible song!?", and it is ALWAYS Grateful Dead or Steve Miller.
posted by hybridvigor at 2:39 PM on July 25

I concur with everyone who picked Lenny Kravitz. "Drops of Jupiter" is also pretty awful, but then, every single song Train has ever written has been that calibar of inane.
posted by Coatlicue at 2:42 PM on July 25

"Hey Jude" makes me want to claw my face off. My husband totally lost his shit in the local grocery store thanks to the cumulative effect of some of the songs mentioned above (I believe "More Than Words" by Extreme was the kicker) and loudly berated the store's musical selection to the cashier and bagger. They were amused; my husband was actually angry.
posted by parilous at 2:48 PM on July 25 [1 favorite]

I'm suprised no one's mentioned Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love" yet, which contains what I consider to be the worst lyric in the history of rock:

"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time."

yup. pretty much.
posted by Ike_Arumba at 2:59 PM on July 25

Ooh! I just heard Blind Melon, No Rain. I think it satisfies the criteria, with the added oomph that it's enjoyed by people who should know better.

Then again, that may make it an unpopular nomination.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:59 PM on July 25

Yeah--I suppose this must count as chatfilter. I should have read the FAQ more carefully.

Actually, it's not chatfilter. There is a single best answer for this, which everyone so far has failed to supply. (See also.)
posted by Prospero at 3:04 PM on July 25

There sure are a lot of Canadian women on this list: Alanis Morissette, Alannah Myles, Avril Levine ... and that's just the A's!

I'm amazed (and a bit horrified) that there hasn't been much mention of either Céline Dion or Shania Twain.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:15 PM on July 25

Oh, and "Jesus Take the Wheel" -- Ugh.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:20 PM on July 25

Anything with the letter "U" in the title in place of the word "you."
posted by marxchivist at 3:21 PM on July 25

"No One" by Alicia Keys. I almost punched a girl for playing this song. I'm not a violent person by nature. I mean, really, does she say anything besides "no one" in this song? Because that is all I hear.

Anything by Akon or Soulja Boy, basically anything they play on the Hip Hop or R&B station over the last 3-5 years.

Coheed and Cambria music is an acquired taste, I understand why people would list them. Though, they're my favorite. Ever. I hope that doesn't disqualify my nominations!
posted by snotloc at 3:49 PM on July 25

For those who are just gluttons for punishment:

Standing Knee Deep in a River Dying of Thirst
Big Socks
Don't Cry Out Loud
Love Hurts
Luka
Sam Stone
He Thinks He'll Keep Her
Goodbye Earl
Murder on Music Row
Almost Home
posted by paulsc at 4:11 PM on July 25