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As slow as ... what?
July 16, 2008 8:29 AM   Subscribe

What are some good - or bad - similes for slowness? (Like "As slow as molasses in January" but not so archaic.)
posted by Fuzzy Skinner to Writing & Language (40 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Google is your friend:
- slower than a speeding microorganism
- slower than a Lada full of elephants going uphill
- slower than a herd of snails traveling through peanut butter
- slower than a octagenarian with ankle weights
- slower than a geriatric slug on a salted snowed-in street
- slower than a 1 legged dog on tranquilizers
- etc, etc
posted by tinkertown at 8:44 AM on July 16, 2008


Like watching grass grow
posted by JaredSeth at 8:45 AM on July 16, 2008


like watching paint dry?
posted by xbonesgt at 8:50 AM on July 16, 2008


I've always been partial to "slower than dirt". Which, of course, doesn't move much.

Glaciers and snails are also famously slow.
posted by Citrus at 8:55 AM on July 16, 2008 [1 favorite]


Slower than snail mail.

(Not necessarily a bad thing.)
posted by OmieWise at 8:56 AM on July 16, 2008


Google??? What the heck is that?

Yes, I have my Google list, thank you. But, MeFites are a particularly witty, well-rounded, and international bunch, which I why I am asking here.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 8:58 AM on July 16, 2008


My favorite is "Slower than pond water."
posted by Daddy-O at 8:59 AM on July 16, 2008


"You _____ like old people fuck; slow and sloppy."
posted by electroboy at 9:00 AM on July 16, 2008


For the technically minded:

Slower than Java
posted by JaredSeth at 9:13 AM on July 16, 2008


Slow as a week in jail.
posted by fire&wings at 9:13 AM on July 16, 2008


- Animals like snails and sloths, also disabled animals like tinkertown mentioned
- Glaciers and tectonic plates
- Outdated technology like a 28.8k modem, old processors, and so on
- [insert any company you hate] customer service, a bureaucrat on a Friday, etc
- An electron in a metal wire. Apparently they're quite slow in wires, wikipedia says millimetres per second, although my grasp of particle physics is weak to say the least.

I think alliteration makes all the difference though.
posted by bjrn at 9:14 AM on July 16, 2008


Slow as an asthmatic snail.
posted by handee at 9:15 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than dial-up
posted by happyturtle at 9:26 AM on July 16, 2008


Like a herd o' turtles!
posted by vytae at 9:45 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than a Comcast Bittorrent download?

OK, now that's just silly.
posted by JaredSeth at 9:47 AM on July 16, 2008


Slow as [local highway/subway line/crowded hotspot/restaurant with notoriously bad service] at [time when it is most crowded].
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:48 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than 9600 baud.
posted by 8dot3 at 9:55 AM on July 16, 2008


My Alabama friend always says "Slower than Christmas."
posted by Miko at 10:08 AM on July 16, 2008


Funny stuff, everyone, thanks! FYI there will actually be an attempt to get some of these into use in my office. It's a Federal bureaucracy, so there are plenty of opportunities.

Like a herd o' turtles!

For years, I've been trying to get "like a turd o' hurdles" into use, but so far it hasn't worked.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 10:10 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than a story about Red Sox utility infielder Sean Casy riding a giant Galapagos turtle on a glacier made of molasses as read by Ben Stein
posted by MegoSteve at 10:11 AM on July 16, 2008 [1 favorite]


*Casey... argh.
posted by MegoSteve at 10:11 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than stop.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:16 AM on July 16, 2008


Not similies but I always use the old "If you were going any slower you'd be in reverse" or "I'm going to have to shave my legs again before you finish at this rate!"
posted by gwenlister at 10:18 AM on July 16, 2008


Slower than a seven year itch.
posted by doncoyote at 10:22 AM on July 16, 2008


slower than erosion
posted by birdlips at 10:34 AM on July 16, 2008


slower than erosion

Oh! That's perfect for one group of coworkers: they are geologists!
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 10:58 AM on July 16, 2008


I swear I was thinking of this before I saw anything about erosion or geologists:

slower than continental drift on Mars.
posted by jamjam at 11:22 AM on July 16, 2008


Like in mud he walks.
posted by mds35 at 12:01 PM on July 16, 2008


386
posted by mds35 at 12:01 PM on July 16, 2008


I like using "____er than Tobey". Hotter than Tobey, colder than Tobey, slower than Tobey. Works for everything. Just don't use it around someone named Tobey.
posted by echo target at 12:04 PM on July 16, 2008


I shared the "slower than erosion" version with a coworker who is a soil scientist, thinking it would delight him with perfection. His response:

Darryl, this is very situational. During a 500 yr. flood event, erosion can be devastatingly rapid!!

So, I called him a "dirt-nerd" and explained that everyone else in the world automatically thinks of erosion as a slow process.

posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 1:00 PM on July 16, 2008


slower than a Philip Glass opera
slower than impulse engines
slower than Social Studies
slower than a one-fingered typist
slower than a snake digesting a mouse
slower than my mom trying to figure out how to use the VCR
slower than HAL9000 dying
slower than the blink of an eye in the Bizarro universe
slower than history
slower than unraveling Dr. Who's scarf
slower than filling a reservoir with an eye dropper
slower than quadriplegic in a sack race
slower than the hunt for Osama Bin Laden
slower than stalagmites
slower than plucking a chicken
slower than water draining from a full bath
slower than cleaning the Statue of Liberty with your tongue
slower than speaking French with a phrase book
slower than work
posted by grumblebee at 1:17 PM on July 16, 2008


slower than a cucumber doing Calculus
slower than the dentist
slower than play-by-mail chess
slower than the Ring Cycle
slower than a cure for AIDs
slower than Congress
slower than washing dishes
slower than translating hieroglyphics
slower than the Shopping Network
posted by grumblebee at 1:29 PM on July 16, 2008


I used to have a football coach who would tell us we were slower than snot./strong>
posted by sirhensley at 1:42 PM on July 16, 2008


Slower than Dubya.
posted by Neiltupper at 2:42 PM on July 16, 2008


Slower than a wet weekend.
And then there was one.. something about a Sloth?
A clean one concerning it's toes somehow and another version that was a tad vulgar which may or may not have had something to do with its toes? I don't remember?? All I know is that it amused me as a child.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 3:09 PM on July 16, 2008


Thanks everyone (so far). As usual, MetaFilter people are the best people in the world!
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 5:39 PM on July 16, 2008


slower than the Mummy
slower than economic recovery
slower than playing tag on the moon
slower than whale song
slower than an Amish drag race
slower than soup with chopsticks
slower than childbirth
slower than yoga
slower than Microsoft releasing a new version of Windows
slower than doing Algebra with an abacus
slower than talk therapy
slower than winter
slower than church
slower than a line at the DMV
slower than torture
slower than a golf cart
slower than a Polaroid
slower than passing a kidney stone
posted by grumblebee at 6:30 PM on July 16, 2008


"Slow as shit".

Not to be confused with "Fast as shit."

Which brings up the inevitable question, just how fast is shit anyway?...
posted by cmcmcm at 7:16 PM on July 16, 2008


slower than a three-legged tortoise
slower than a sleepy sloth
posted by lukemeister at 10:14 PM on July 16, 2008


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