Help me help him

June 6, 2008 9:34 AM

How to best support your spouse who wants to go back to school?

My husband only took about a semester and a half of college courses when he first tried college as an 18 year old. Due to various situations in his life, he dropped out and did not go back. Now, a little over 10 years later, he wants to try again.

I am both very happy for him, and also a bit scared. Happy because this is a positive step for him, and in my opinion (biased or not) he is a brilliant guy and it is a shame that he didn't get to continue his education and live up to his amazing potential. Scared, because we have both had full time jobs all these years, and this would entail him going part time, probably taking on some debt, pushing back plans we had to buy our first house, etc.

I don't plan on letting those fears get in his way at all, but I would like suggestions from people who have been on either side of the situation on how to best support him so that he can, in fact, make this happen. And when it does happen, how to do what I can to help him succeed.

posted by DrGirlfriend to education (11 comments total)

Ease into it. Take one evening class, see how it works with his work schedule, take two evening classes...slowly and surely. There are a lot of programs that are designed for people who already have jobs, research those thoroughly.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:48 AM on June 6

My husband went back to school in his 30s as well. He kept his full-time job the whole time, though -- it took longer for him to finish, and he put in a lot of late-night hours, but it was also far better for us economically. Check out the evening class selection at the school he wants to attend; he might be able to go quite far while still working full time. Also see if his employer has an tuition reimbursement program. My husband's employer did, and he was able to finish his degree at not much cost to us at all.

One of the ways I tried to help was by taking on more duties around the house. And by not complaining when he had to study and write all weekend instead of being able go out like we normally would. And I served as paper proofreader and copy editor.

Also, he took a few semesters off here and there, and he also took some courses that interested him but didn't apply to his major. Both of those things kept him sane and helped him continue on. Also, taking the random weekend away here and there (usually between semesters) seemed to rejuvenate him a lot, too. Basically just help him find what will help him through, and try to make that available to him when he needs it.
posted by boomchicka at 9:52 AM on June 6

Were the "various situations" external or internal? If internal (like ADD or depression), has he dealt with them? If not, I would encourage him to do so before starting school, or he will be setting himself up for difficulty.

IMO, education is more important than a house. Presumably he will make more with a degree than without, so whatever debt you go into can be paid off with his increased salary. Student loans can be paid off over a LONG time, and you can get deferments, so I would not worry about the debt.

I think the most difficult aspect of going back to school is learning to manage one's time. With a full-time job, usually your days are planned out; at least you're somewhere 8-9 hours/day. With college, you have a lot of "free time" that needs to be managed. You'll probably have less time together because he'll need to study, and you may feel neglected. He may feel behind since he hasn't been in school for 10 years. He may also need emotional support if most of his classmates are significantly younger. I felt a little dumb when a 19 year old kid understood concepts that I struggled with, or conversely, I felt frustrated with younger students who were less responsible/motivated and didn't do their part in group projects.
posted by desjardins at 9:53 AM on June 6

I felt frustrated with younger students who were less responsible/motivated and didn't do their part in group

That's a very good point. My husband ran into quite a bit.
posted by boomchicka at 9:58 AM on June 6

His employer does have a tuition reimbursement program, which we're looking into, and we're also going to research grants & scholarships. I just made my last student loan payment last month, so I'm familiar with that side of it -- but I find that at 20 I was a lot more carefree about getting into that kind of debt than I am now at 33! Not to say that I am not willing to do it - I am, especially since I myself had student loans and they were necessary for me to be able to afford school. It's just, having *just* finally freed myself from Sallie Mae's clutches, it's a little daunting to do it again. Also, my college experience was different, as I was a more traditional student and didn't have the responsibilities that he will have.

desjardins - his issues at the time were pretty much external. Come to think of it, it's similar to now in that he had to support himself 100% with no parental help, work full time, etc. But he's definitely more capable of facing those challenges now than he was at 18.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 10:05 AM on June 6

I am an evening college instructor and most of my students are the so-called "non-traditional" students (meaning they didn't graduate high school in the spring and enter college in the fall). That's why they're mostly in night classes.

In addition, after a few years off from school, I went back to school at night to get my master's degree.

Finally my wife, who has her bachelor's, is looking at going back to school now to get her MBA.

So I've visited this scenario from all possible sides, I do believe.

First: I would recommend against going into debt where you don't have to. Have all schooling options been evaluated? I know from much experience that sometimes a certain program seems alluring, be it because it's "compressed" allowing one to get the degree faster, or some other reason (irregular class times, etc) but you pay more for those. I got my Master's degree for about $5,000. While that's not chicken-scratch, it's not the $10k or more that some colleges charge YEARLY. I paid $400 per course. Make sure he's choosing a college that is economically viable. I got my BA from a private college which cost $20k per year (counting room & board). I got my MS from a state school for 1/16 of what my BA cost.

Second, the advice above about perhaps starting school part-time is sound. For my MS I had to take some pre-requisite classes, so I went to school two classes per semester in the evening after working full time. Yes, at times I didn't have as much time as I'd like with my loved ones, but I was still earning a full salary and my schooling wasn't as big a burden as it would have been if I was working.

Say he makes $20k a year and say his education will take 4 years and cost $30k. If he's working then it costs you 30k, but if he's not it costs you 110k. BIG difference in the debt department. It's worth it to take a bit more time to get the degree and continue that work experience.

Most of my students work full time AND go to school full time. Yes they complain about the hard work and the long hours, but they are getting their bachelor's in 4 years while earning the money to pay for school, buy houses, etc.

I wouldn't look at this as an either/or.

And as a cautionary tale: a friend of mine quit his job to get his bachelor's. He was unemployed for 3 years going to school year-round with summer school. Now in this economy with his bachelor's he can't find a job, period. Those places that are hiring look at his 3 year employment gap (in his 30s) and won't touch him, even though he quit his job for education. It is easier to get a job if you already have a job...and harder to get back in the rut of working if you've been "a student" again.
posted by arniec at 10:48 AM on June 6 [1 favorite]

After one year of marriage and the birth of our first child, my wife and I decided that I should go for the degree. I'd been working full-time at a software job I enjoyed for the past three years, had no college education, and was beginning to notice the lack.

I was lucky enough to be offered tuition reimbursement for up to two classes per semester, so I dove in and took four (12 credit hours) at the local community college. The first semester was easy: I got great grades, the homework was a snap, and I was still able to spend (the very necessary) time with my family. The next semester (9 credit hours) went similarly well, and I relaxed a little.

This could not last, of course, but I was glad for the strong start. I did two or three classes a semester from there on out, including over the summer. All in all, my four year degree took six years, with the last 18 months being the hardest. My then-seven-year-old son, now twelve, still remembers the day I graduated and the free time I had after that. It was a good experience.

My wife, of course, handled the brunt of the load. She was very supportive, even during those weeks when she hardly saw me because I was working 50+ hours to get a release out the door, attending classes for 10 hours, driving for 5 hours, doing homework for 15 hours, and sleeping for (perhaps) 35 hours. She always encouraged me to keep going, even though it was difficult. I couldn't have done it without that support.

The pros:
   * I actually took college seriously when I was older
   * Coursework was often directly related to my day job
   * My job helped offset college expenses quite a bit
   * Many of the "general ed" classes were trivial after working in the real world
   * I knew exactly what classes and degree I wanted
   * A few great professors who do this stuff in the real world. I found that evening/weekend classes actually had more practical teachers, since they usually had day jobs as well. The few day-time classes I took (not offered any other time) were usually disappointing, with a few very notable exceptions.

The cons:
   * Lots and lots of hard work and lonely nights for me and my family
   * My grades were barely above average by the time I was done
   * Juggling family, work and school meant everybody suffered
   * The last 18 months were the most difficult
   * I had very few peers in any of my classes
   * Bad professors are worse than bad bosses, but not for as long, usually
   * Still paying off student loans
   * I missed out on the "single college kid" experience (though this might just as well go in the "pros" list)

I've never regretted going, and all kinds of doors have opened up for me since completing college.

I would say the single most important thing is to make sure that you and your spouse are united in your commitment to completing school. It's a long, hard road, so make sure you're both ready.

Good luck!
posted by Gr0wl at 12:27 PM on June 6

Great advice and insight, thank you!
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:18 PM on June 6

Wow, this question could easily have been written by my wife as I'm going back to school this fall after a 4 year lapse.

The things that have meant the most to me in this time were how just completely supportive my wife has been in this. She's even put off her plans to go back to school so that I can catch up with her (she has her BA already). I'm just completely amazed by the fact that during the whole time we've been going through the process of getting me re-enrolled and figuring out how to make everything work she's always been positive and supportive, and has always been coming up with new ideas on how to make it work. She's never said, "No, I don't think that will work," but rather, "OK, let's figure out how to make that work".

Right now I'm waiting to hear back from school to figure out how much financial aid I can get as that's going to directly relate to how many credits I'll be taking. I'll still be working part time, but this will probably be in a very limited capacity depending on my credit load.

If your husband is anything like me, he probably didn't have very good studying habits going into school, and this is something my wife will be helping me with as she's great at GTD. While I of course don't expect her to hold my hand, having her experience in managing school work and getting it all done is something that will be invaluable to me in the coming months.

Really though, it's been her support and unrelenting positivity and love that have made me really feel like going back to school to finish my degree is something I can and will do, rather than something I could and should do. From the second I said I was thinking about it she embraced my aspirations with open arms and if it weren't for her wholehearted support I'd have never been able to start myself down this path.

Best of luck to your husband, there's nothing he can't do with somebody as obviously caring and supportive as you clearly are by his side.

My wife's username is honeyx- I'm going to ask her to post in this thread tonight so she can share some of her insight on how she manages to be so wonderful in all of this.
posted by baphomet at 2:18 PM on June 6

(I worked in online graduate education, and gave up 3/4 of my income the last 3 years (and probably the next 2) to stay home with a child, similar financial fears that have proved tolerable, but persistent).

Plus sides are that there are more non-trad education options than there have ever been, and there is quite a bit less pressure in that market to keep up a high academic pace - in a lot of cases you can start as slow as you like and take plenty of time. Following an aspiration can also make a person more content with life, as long as it's a genuine desire and it goes well - I've seen friends really get to new levels with life in general that seemed facilitated by pursuing an education. And the statistics on the economics of a school debt are pretty good - it is an investment with a good chance of paying off handsomely.

Down side is it is more work and less money, there's just no way around that. It's a stress. If you're fighting on money issues or don't sit down and do the numbers same as if you were buying a house or making significant changes in your retirement investments, losing income/increasing spending will cause you problems.

I have to say you are doing very well to have your school debt completed at 33. Be open about those fears and maybe disappointments (holding off on a house, of course that could work out real seriously in your favor given how the next few years are likely to go). You sound very supportive, pat yourself on the back. Tons of people are doing this in all situations and walks of life - that was one lesson I definitely got from working in non-trad academics, so you're in well-traveled territory that many people who are undoubtedly dumber and not as nice as you managed to negotiate before you. You'll do great.
posted by nanojath at 2:30 PM on June 6

Thanks Baphomet! (otherwise known as husband-o-mine) that was sweet ; )
Since he hasn't started school quite yet, I don't have a lot of specific "what was helpful and what wasn't" sort of advice. Nevertheless, here are some of the things I have been doing or plan on doing to help the boy out on his path to a degree:
-Encouragement! I am so happy for him and proud of him that he is taking this step, and I don't hesitate to remind him of such. The previous attempt didn't turn out as planned, so I think it is important to remind him that I believe in his ability to succeed and think he is making the right decision going back.
-True, I am going to teach him my school hax / GTD. I think everybody has a personalized time management / learning style that works best for them. But since I worked out a system that worked extremely well for me, I am going to teach it to him, and if it works for him, great. If it turns out not to be what he is looking for, I am not going to pressure him to use it.
-Learning alongside. He is going to be studying Japanese in school. I study languages for fun, so I plan on studying Japanese on my own simultaneously. Having a language partner is super, so we can help each other learn more quickly!
-Focus on the reward / end goal on the tough days. We would really like to teach English abroad (ideally in Japan through the JET program – my brother is currently doing this and loves it, and we fell in love with Japan when visiting this spring). However, the JET program, like many teach abroad programs, requires a bachelor’s degree. So, since my husband doesn’t have his degree yet, this goal is out of reach for us. Once he completes his degree, we can go abroad! So, I plan on using this goal to help both of us through the hard days.
-I am encouraging him to only work part-time. I know one of the reasons he struggled the last time around was time management issues. So, I really want him to be able to focus on school and not feel pressured to work when he should be studying. YMMV and hell, ours might too. Part of this involves me working like crazy and using my income to pay most of the tuition, the rent, the bills, groceries, etc. I think taking away these stressors / responsibilities will be helpful to his academic success.
- A little bit of pressure / reminding of the importance of good grades and going to class. I have done this more in the sense of “while for me…” sort of anecdotes. Especially the going to class part!
-While he is in school, I am going to try to focus on not being an “enabler of bad behavior” - meaning, not encouraging him to play hookie from class with me, or drink beer with me the night before a test, or playing my ds in front of him while he is trying to study. This stuff sounds really easy to avoid, but I think it can be challenging. If I have been working all day, and get home and he is studying, not sitting down on the couch with a beer and a video game or a movie is going to be hard for me, but will make things easier for him, so it is worth doing.
-Hopefully I can do a lot more to help him out! If you want to stay in touch with me while both of our husbands are back in school, feel free to stay in touch with me via mefi mail or email (my email is in my profile), maybe we can swap more tips / offer support when we are farther down the road!
Best of luck!
posted by honeyx at 8:34 PM on June 6