Saying "no"

May 21, 2008 9:01 AM

Miss Manners Filter: How do I politely say, "Please never contact me again."

My ex-girlfriend (15 years ago) thanks to the interwebs, has found me. It seems she does it every few years. About 3 years ago she found me and I didn't respond. Four months ago she contacted me again and again I didn't respond (she basically said, if you don't respond, I won't bug you). This week, I got another email updating me on her life (married, work, etc.) and wants to know how I am, etc.

OK, clearly the delete key hasn't been the answer and since we still live in the same city and work in the same industry (medical research) there is a minute, but feasible possibility that I will run into her at a conference or some such event in the future.

I am recovering from some difficult personal matters as well as some medical issues and I don't have the time, energy or interest.

I am trying to be more honest in my life but I don't really know how to respond to her without this encouraging her to contact me again.

posted by Sophie1 to human relations (44 comments total)

"With all due respect, I have no interest in having contact with you. Thanks for your understanding"
posted by PFL at 9:06 AM on May 21, 2008

Add her to your spam filter.
posted by mikepop at 9:09 AM on May 21, 2008 [8 favorites has favorites]

First, distinguish between the concepts of "being polite" and "not upsetting anyone." If it doesn't bother her to be asked never to contact you again, then she hasn't understood what you're asking.

You already know how to phrase a request politely. You can probably soften the blow a little with a dose of "it's not you, it's me." You don't need to explain anything (and explanations encourage counter-arguments).
posted by winston at 9:10 AM on May 21, 2008

Just treat her messages as spam -- trash them without ever even opening them in the first place. Or set up a filter so that her message never even reaches your inbox.

If you see her at a conference, go with cool politeness: A handshake and "How are you?," followed by a "Would you please excuse me," then a trip the bar or men's room or somewhere else where she won't follow.
posted by shallowcenter at 9:10 AM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

"I am recovering from some difficult personal matters as well as some medical issues and I don't have the time, energy or interest to talk to you."
posted by jozxyqk at 9:12 AM on May 21, 2008

"As you may have noticed, I've been elusive over the years. I have misgivings about being able to have contact with you now, for personal reasons. I appreciate your openness about how life has turned out for you, and I'm sorry that I'm not able to reciprocate. It is with utmost respect that I ask you to please refrain from sending me these updates in the future."

Anything she sends after that immediately pinpoints her as someone to add to the spam-filter.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 9:13 AM on May 21, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

@Shallow center then a trip the bar or men's room-

Not that it matters but, I'm a chick.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:15 AM on May 21, 2008

I've had what I call pop-up ex-boyfriends. I say, "Sorry, I'm involved with someone and we've mutually decided not to have any contact with our exes." If they persist, I block their phone number/emails, because at that point they're being disrespectful not only to me, but to my partner. She doesn't have to know that you're single (if you are) or that your SO doesn't mind (if she doesn't).
posted by desjardins at 9:16 AM on May 21, 2008

Less is better, but it does seem that you want to say something (and it probably will make you feel better) and not just set a SPAM filter etc. So, I would pretty much go with what you said: "I wish you well, but please never contact me again." There's no need for explanation because explanation could allow for follow up on her part and you clearly don't want that. Also, by explicitly stating that you don't want her to contact you, there's some chance that she won't approach you in public. Hope you feel better and that your difficulties are resolved soon.
posted by nnk at 9:25 AM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't really know how to respond to her without this encouraging her to contact me again

Then don't. Not-responding is not a dishonest act. If you've already asked her not to, and she does, you are not bound by manners or honesty to repeat your request; she's the one being rude. Some people are the "let's catch up!" type, and they don't understand those of us who aren't. Responding continues the cycle.

I have an ex who shows up in my inbox every few years, and I just delete without reading. (It's the stalker ex-friend who's in my spam filter.)
posted by catlet at 9:26 AM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

No explanations--if you tell her it's because you're going through a rough patch now or because your current SO doesn't want you in touch with exes or anything like that, it leaves the impression that you might be open to talking to her in the future, when circumstances are different.

PFL's answer is fine. If you want you could soften it slightly with "I'm glad things are going well for you. However, ..."
posted by hippugeek at 9:27 AM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Listen to nnk. Best advice here.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 9:28 AM on May 21, 2008

"Please never contact me again" sounds good to me. That is far more polite than not responding at all, which you already tried and obviously didn't deter her.
posted by gyusan at 9:30 AM on May 21, 2008

It's obvious she doesn't follow her own "if you don't respond I won't bug you" rules. She's not following through on anything she's saying.

There is also a big difference between being polite for the sake of it and doing what's right for you regardless of what someone else thinks. If it's really that much of an annoyance (and hearing about an ex's status updates can make it hard to move forward no matter how over a relationship you might be) simply reply and simply say I really have no interest in communicating with you further, please stop emailing.

End it with a take care and you should be good.
posted by PetiePal at 9:48 AM on May 21, 2008

Politeness never worked with my pop-up ex. Even after I bluntly told him not to ever speak to me again, he'd still check in every so often to see if I "still felt that way." I wouldn't respond, but the phone calls and emails kept coming. The only thing that worked then was changing my phone number and blocking his email address. That didn't stop him from approaching me at events we were both invited to, but introducing him to my current boyfriend certainly did.

So, my advice is to first be civil but blunt. What do you have to lose, really? You don't want her in your life, so if she flips out and never speaks to you again, well. Mission accomplished. If that fails, block her or change your contact information.
posted by katillathehun at 9:59 AM on May 21, 2008

Here's my stock email:

I appreciate your initiative to try to keep in touch. My life is just not conducive to long distance (substitute email, new, whatever) friendships at this point. I hope you're well and I wish you the best, but I really won't be able to keep a correspondence going.

The important thing is to be clear but kind. It really sucks to have someone string you along (even friendship-wise), and sadly most of us aren't really great at taking (or giving, actually) hints, especially over email.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 10:12 AM on May 21, 2008 [13 favorites has favorites]

I'm not clear on the problem you are trying to solve.

1. If you are worried about not being honest, and that failing to tell her off or explain yourself is being dishonest, don't be. You don't have to be forthright. For this, the delete key works fine.

2. If receiving the emails disturbs you, it's not clear why, but you could clearly blacklist her address, which is much easier than worrying about what to say to her and how she might reply.

3. If you are trying to treat her with respect, or kindly, and worrying about how to do that, I think she should have received the hint by now. Most of the replies suggested her will either not deter her (for God's sake, don't relay that you don't want to hear from her because of personal issues!) or sound ruder than not replying or both. For my money, it is more socially acceptable to ignore. If you are worried about doing so and then running into her, doing so AFTER you have told her to leave you alone will be a hell of a lot more awkward. If you don't reply, later run into her, and she asks whether you've received her emails, a simple "yes" without more will probably suffice.

On balance, I think ignoring is easier on you and easier on her.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 10:20 AM on May 21, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Three emails in three years? Just ignore them. Replying will likely cause more stress than it will resolve.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 10:24 AM on May 21, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

My apologies, Sophie. Guess hiding in the ladies' isn't an option, huh? :)
posted by shallowcenter at 10:38 AM on May 21, 2008

Clyde's advice is bang on. FWIW, I have a stalker-ish ex (dated him for less than two months 4 years ago) who periodically tracks me down via a variety of means and contacts me. Because he's stalkerish and creeps me out I have never responded, but this hasn't deterred him. The easiest thing to do is not to reply; you're not unkind for not responding and you don't owe her any explanation with regard to your personal situation.
posted by poissonrouge at 10:58 AM on May 21, 2008

I think [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST]'s response is both honest and graceful, so if you must send a response, I think something along those lines would be best. That said, any response whatsoever may cause her to respond. It is very difficult for some people to let someone else have the last word. Maybe send the message and promptly add her e-mail address to your block list so you don't need to deal with any responses?
posted by tastybrains at 11:19 AM on May 21, 2008

dude, it takes like 1/100th of a second to hit delete w/o reading the email

just continue doing that forever. even if she contacted you 1,000 times you'd only expend 10 seconds on this small task

delete and forget! it's easy!
posted by Salvatorparadise at 11:25 AM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yep. Leave it. I know plenty of people who filter out unsolicited emails, you can be one too. If she persists in emailing you, add her to your spam filter and never see her emails again. If she approaches you at a medical research throw down, however, you are on your own!
posted by foxydot at 11:36 AM on May 21, 2008

I think in this context, not responding is the MOST honest thing to do. You don't want to talk to her, so... don't talk to her.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:37 AM on May 21, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

DO NOT RESPOND. Doesn't matter how polite, clear, and/or firm you are, you are virtually guaranteed to get a followup from her -- "but... WHY?????"

Ignore them without reading**, or (even better) block/filter/auto-delete them. If you run into her, make 2 minutes of small talk and then oops look at the time I gotta go wash my hair/dog/car/brain now...

**If she's anything like my ex, she'll throw out "emergencies" that no good-hearted person could ignore, and you'll feel compelled to respond. Example voice mail: "Oh god, oh god... PLEEEASE call me -- it's an EMERGENCY!!" and then when I call... "Aw shucks I just wanted to talk to you..."
posted by LordSludge at 11:42 AM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

There's no reason to even respond other than to get out some kind of anger you have towards her. Really, just delete and ignore. Clearly something bad enough happened between you for you to still be angry at her 15 years later, but if you have to possibly interact with her professionally, it's better not to completely burn bridges. She doesn't email you often enough to really consider it that much of a nusiance.
posted by fructose at 11:51 AM on May 21, 2008

Just delete the emails and move on with life.
posted by nineRED at 11:56 AM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

delete the emails. It doesn't sound like you told her you didn't want to talk to her anyway. It's not like she's calling you every day. I don't see what the big deal is.
posted by sully75 at 12:12 PM on May 21, 2008

She has contacted you three times in the last three years. She is not harassing you by any stretch of the imagination.

It sounds like you have issues relating to your relationship with her. You should tell her what those are, say you hope she understands that this is why you won't be responding to her from now on, and will in fact be filtering her emails to automatically get deleted. You hope she understands and has a good life, etc.
posted by bingo at 12:17 PM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I don't think she's harassing me at all, nor do I have any anger toward her. We didn't click then, she had a crapton of baggage and I don't expect that to have changed drastically so I don't want to resume any kind of relationship.

The reason I posted this question was hoping that there was someone out there with a magic bullet (I know, no such thing, but you never know what the hive mind will come up with and I thought I'd give it a shot). I like the suggestions I got and while I wish NOT HERMITOSIS-IST and nnk's answers would work, I think she'd just be encouraged. I'm just going to delete and move on.

BTW - shallow center - no problem :)
posted by Sophie1 at 2:43 PM on May 21, 2008

Email filter delete from *@blastfromthepast.org
posted by oxford blue at 5:37 PM on May 21, 2008

I'm going against what seems to be the majority opinion here (ie "ignore / delete the emails"). I think you should respond with a polite "thanks, but no thanks".

The reason I say this is that from time to time - on a whim, whatever - I'll occasionally send emails to various people from the past who I otherwise have no ongoing contact with. If they sent any kind of message to the effect of "Hey, I've moved on, doing different things now, etc, no offense but please don't try to contact me again" I'd totally respect that.

On the other hand, if there's no reply at all, how do I know they even got the email? They might have discontinued use of that address, or moved jobs, or they might have been rushed & forgot to reply, might not have recognised my email address & deleted it as spam, etc etc etc. Without a definitive answer, I'll tend to drop another line in about the same pattern as your ex - eg every other year or so, maybe until I've tried about three times, and then I give up.

Apart from not knowing if they received the email or not, another reason is that people usually change & mature over time. Somebody who is too busy with their new job / partner / lifestyle etc or pissed off or bored of me one year might be a wholly different person the next, and more conducive to contact.

So, well, a definitive "no thanks" provides a mature & respectful form of closure, in my opinion. Not replying seems kinda childish & cowardly in comparison.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:01 PM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

(afterthought: i've got a bit of a bee in my bonnet over this kind of behaviour (ignoring / deleting emails etc) because from time to time i've experienced that kinda stuff via email or on social networking sites, like when somebody unfriends or blocks you without a word of explanation, and it always strikes me as the height of immaturity & rudeness.

you wouldn't just stare blankly through somebody you knew in real life if they said "hi" as you passed, so why do people act like it's ok online? because it's easy? simply because you can, with no repercussions?

in that sense, i fall back on the line that "the test of a man's character is how they behave if there's no chance of being caught" and end up concluding that online politeness & respect should be held to a *higher* standard than real-life interaction, because it's simply too freaking easy to hit "delete" & never know or care what effect that has on the person at the other end)
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:20 PM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

you wouldn't just stare blankly through somebody you knew in real life if they said "hi" as you passed, so why do people act like it's ok online?

I've done this in real life many times. Maybe it's just a matter of your priorities.
posted by bingo at 9:34 PM on May 31, 2008

true.

if your priorities lie within your self: delete the email, stare through the person. how dare they intrude upon your precious space!

if your priorities lie in a greater social good: smile, say hi back, be polite, move on.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:12 AM on June 1, 2008

I think there is social value in setting boundaries and enforcing them - there's a definite negative value in teaching people who can't take a hint that all it takes to get attention is persistence.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:08 AM on June 2, 2008

you wouldn't just stare blankly through somebody you knew in real life if they said "hi" as you passed, so why do people act like it's ok online? because it's easy? simply because you can, with no repercussions?

I think the analogy isn't very tight. Certainly the nature of the exchange entailed, and the means of the encounter, make a big difference. As I recall the OP, this is not like smiling and nodding at a stranger; this is someone who is going to stay and shoot the shit for a while.

Moreover, there are different reasonable expectations in cyberspace. I don't see that many people on the street, but when I do, I smile and nod (and certainly reciprocate same). Email makes it easier to have costless "touches" on others and changes the rules for replying. I think the OP might feel differently if seeing the correspondent on the street or if she showed up on the porch.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 10:17 AM on June 2, 2008

I think there is social value in setting boundaries and enforcing them - there's a definite negative value in teaching people who can't take a hint that all it takes to get attention is persistence.

I agree 100% but in this case the OP has not set any boundary. Never once did she ask her correspondent not to contact her; all she did was fail to reply to a few very intermittent emails.

After enough non-replies, the person at the other end will probably eventually get the hint, but as I argued earlier, there are all kinds of reasons why somebody might not receive or notice or reply to an email, which leaves the correspondent in the dark as to what actually happened, and fails to effectively set or enforce any boundary.

In contrast, it doesn't take much ovaries to draft a quick & respectful "thanks, but no thanks" reply & have it done with.

And true - the street analogy wasn't the best. It's more like covering your ears with your hands and singing "la la la, I can't hear you! la la la!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:14 PM on June 2, 2008

The truth is that "Thanks, but no thanks" replies (in email, and in person), usually do not have the desired effect. The other person wants to talk about what went wrong, etc. This is part of the dynamic that led them to try to keep up the correspondence, even if they weren't getting any feedback.

There are degrees of blowing someone off, and if you think the other person is good at "getting the hint," then you can spare them the harsher alternatives. But if part of the problem is that they aren't getting the hint to begin with, then something harsher is required.

It's true that this involves making your own needs a higher priority than theirs. But then, that is the framework in which this question was posed. If making other people in your life happy is more important than your own happiness, then by all means, never do anything that will hurt any of their feelings if you can possibly avoid it. But that's often not the case, and it's clearly not the case here.

If someone wrote me back a "thanks but no thanks" email, I would be much more distraught than if they simply didn't write me back. But that's because I do know (I like to think) when to take a hint, and I would be insulted that the other person didn't think I could. It's true that the recipient might have somehow not received the email, but after some point, the person doing the sending is going to let it go and focus on their own life, which, after all, is the whole point, and what's healthier for them as well.
posted by bingo at 6:12 AM on June 3, 2008

If someone wrote me back a "thanks but no thanks" email, I would be much more distraught than if they simply didn't write me back. But that's because I do know (I like to think) when to take a hint, and I would be insulted that the other person didn't think I could.

That makes perfect sense, too. We're probably just on opposite sides of the fence on the asking v hinting/guessing divide: see this awesome explanation of Ask Cultures v Guess Cultures.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:11 PM on June 3, 2008

Uh, yeah, I commented in that thread several times.
posted by bingo at 6:27 PM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

However, I'm definitely part of the "ask" culture. I just don't think that has anything to do with this situation. Nobody is asking anything.
posted by bingo at 7:43 AM on June 20, 2008

that's the entire point.

the OP *should* be asking something, ie "hey, thanks, but i'm in a different space, please don't bother trying to contact me any more etc etc"

as opposed to the childish, passive-aggressive "i'll just delete these until she guesses what i'm about"

there's no indication (unless i forgot the facts) that the person emailing her is a dangerous psycho, or that they ended on nasty terms. just one of those randoms from the past.

and if my observation of facebook since it went out to a wider public means anything, people will indulge in a minor flurry of "wow, haven't heard from you in a decade, what are you up to?" for about a week, and then have no further communication, because it's mutually boring & pointless beyond that initial curiosity.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:18 PM on June 20, 2008

What I mean is, I'm part of the ask culture, and yet I am opposed to overtly stating the problem in this case, because that's not asking. It's telling. And that's different. When someone in the ask culture asks, it doesn't mean that they are owed an answer, or that they should continue to ask when they don't get one.
posted by bingo at 8:05 PM on June 23, 2008