Badly in need of advice. Long, complicated story spanning 3 countries and 5 people.
Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.
Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.
I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.
When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.
Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.
A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.
After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.
So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.
As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.
Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.
Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.
Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.
Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.
At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.
Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.
I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.
I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.
Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.
Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.
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I think you need some space away from both women.
Get some exercise, fresh air and some perspective and stay away from all women who have boyaccessories.
Being single is very liberating.
This is my advice as someone who was once a girlfriend and is now a mother.
Truly, learn to enjoy some althanis time. ALONE!
posted by taff at 7:54 PM on April 11