Cinderfella, write me some flashscript and have dinner ready when I get home.
April 10, 2008 6:48 AM Subscribe
Help me understand what it is like to work at home so I can be a better girlfriend and roommate.
I will be moving in with my boyfriend and his friend/business partner next month. I work at an office during the week and my boyfriend is a programmer and works from home. Personally, I could not handle working from home. I have a lot of respect for the people that have that kind of discipline.
However, I know myself well enough that I will eventually start thinking crazy thoughts about chores.
I know it can be boiled down to "It's like working. At home." Unfortunately, I don't have the capacity to get the concept and I want to avoid a fight in the future.
Please help me understand what it is like so I can be more understanding.
I will be moving in with my boyfriend and his friend/business partner next month. I work at an office during the week and my boyfriend is a programmer and works from home. Personally, I could not handle working from home. I have a lot of respect for the people that have that kind of discipline.
However, I know myself well enough that I will eventually start thinking crazy thoughts about chores.
I know it can be boiled down to "It's like working. At home." Unfortunately, I don't have the capacity to get the concept and I want to avoid a fight in the future.
Please help me understand what it is like so I can be more understanding.
I'm not sure if there's an actual question in here, or if you just want to hear people's experiences working from home. So I'll give you mine.
I've worked at home for the past 14 months.
It's very tough to distinguish between "work time" and "home time." The majority of time I roll out of bed, throw some sweat pants on, make some coffee, and start work. But I've found that it's much easier to stay motivated if I pretend that I'm going to work outside of the home: get up, take a shower, then get dressed. It gets me into "work mode" easier, and usually means I stay in that mode longer with less distraction.
As for the status of the house, I usually end up trashing it (the kitchen, mostly) on a daily basis because I make lunch and bring it back to the computer to eat. I save all the cleaning until precisely three minutes until my live-in girlfriend comes home from work, when I make a mad dash around the house cleaning up the remnants of the trash bomb that appears to have exploded.
In the times where people are over, or my girlfriend stays home sick, I find it very tough to concentrate on work. Part of the problem is I don't have an actual office, but instead a corner of the open loft. But it's hard for me to not feel like my money-making space is being invaded on in this situation. A separate office would fix this problem entirely, however.
Other than that, yeah, it's pretty much like work, only from home. Only it's much, much, MUCH better than having to actually get up and go to an office. You have the freedom to do what you want, when you want, and if you can stay focused and motivated with this freedom, you're set.
My best advice for you would be to make sure you give him his space. And try not to take advantage of the fact that his schedule might be more flexible than yours. So many times in the beginning I'd get asked to go somewhere or do something during "work hours," and it was tough to explain that hey, even though I'm home, I'm doing work, so leave me alone!
posted by nitsuj at 7:05 AM on April 10, 2008
I've worked at home for the past 14 months.
It's very tough to distinguish between "work time" and "home time." The majority of time I roll out of bed, throw some sweat pants on, make some coffee, and start work. But I've found that it's much easier to stay motivated if I pretend that I'm going to work outside of the home: get up, take a shower, then get dressed. It gets me into "work mode" easier, and usually means I stay in that mode longer with less distraction.
As for the status of the house, I usually end up trashing it (the kitchen, mostly) on a daily basis because I make lunch and bring it back to the computer to eat. I save all the cleaning until precisely three minutes until my live-in girlfriend comes home from work, when I make a mad dash around the house cleaning up the remnants of the trash bomb that appears to have exploded.
In the times where people are over, or my girlfriend stays home sick, I find it very tough to concentrate on work. Part of the problem is I don't have an actual office, but instead a corner of the open loft. But it's hard for me to not feel like my money-making space is being invaded on in this situation. A separate office would fix this problem entirely, however.
Other than that, yeah, it's pretty much like work, only from home. Only it's much, much, MUCH better than having to actually get up and go to an office. You have the freedom to do what you want, when you want, and if you can stay focused and motivated with this freedom, you're set.
My best advice for you would be to make sure you give him his space. And try not to take advantage of the fact that his schedule might be more flexible than yours. So many times in the beginning I'd get asked to go somewhere or do something during "work hours," and it was tough to explain that hey, even though I'm home, I'm doing work, so leave me alone!
posted by nitsuj at 7:05 AM on April 10, 2008
You should cultivate a general expectation that the home-space will at best remain the same, if not deteriorate in cleanliness and organization, in the same sense that you're not generally vacuuming the floors or cleaning the bathroom at your office, right?
How would you feel if your boss asked you to take over the janitor's duties in addition to your daily tasks?
Good on you for being proactive about being a better girlfriend.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:07 AM on April 10, 2008
How would you feel if your boss asked you to take over the janitor's duties in addition to your daily tasks?
Good on you for being proactive about being a better girlfriend.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:07 AM on April 10, 2008
Best answer: However, I know myself well enough that I will eventually start thinking crazy thoughts about chores.
It's good that you're already aware this may be a problem. I work from home a couple days a week, and I almost had to make flash cards with a big angry red marker.
From a practical perspective, if your boyfriend and his partner don't have a designated area in the house for work, they may want to think about doing that -- especially since there will now be someone in the house who isn't an employee. Even if they sit wherever when you're not home, having a work zone might be beneficial to all of you.
From a cerebral perspective, tell yourself that you won't ask him to do anything during his workday that you would not or cannot do during yours. If simple fairness isn't enough to keep you in check, drop me a mefimail with your address -- I'll send white cards and a big angry red marker.
Also: you might want to read this recent thread, which talks about work from home experiences.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:10 AM on April 10, 2008
It's good that you're already aware this may be a problem. I work from home a couple days a week, and I almost had to make flash cards with a big angry red marker.
From a practical perspective, if your boyfriend and his partner don't have a designated area in the house for work, they may want to think about doing that -- especially since there will now be someone in the house who isn't an employee. Even if they sit wherever when you're not home, having a work zone might be beneficial to all of you.
From a cerebral perspective, tell yourself that you won't ask him to do anything during his workday that you would not or cannot do during yours. If simple fairness isn't enough to keep you in check, drop me a mefimail with your address -- I'll send white cards and a big angry red marker.
Also: you might want to read this recent thread, which talks about work from home experiences.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:10 AM on April 10, 2008
Best answer: As you intuit, it's very difficult. At work, the entire environment is focused on work, so it's pretty easy to focus on work yourself. At home, there are distractions galore. The worst are the distractions that come with a sense of obligation, so that it's easier to let them push work aside. It feels less problematic to put aside work to, say, make a few important non-work calls or run an errand or clean the fridge, than to watch TV or read a novel. But both sets of distractions are still taking you away from work, so even though the former are important to do, if they grow too distracting, the work really suffers.
What you can do to support your boyfriend's work is to have frank talks about what his hours are like, how well he handles distractions, and how to split up the chores. I can't set any rules for you because I don't know his working style. But if he says he works from 9 to 5, don't expect him to do anything non-work during those hours. If he says he works 45 hours a week, but doesn't follow a specific schedule, he might be quite willing to take care of some chores when he's taking a break, but that means you have to leave him alone in the evenings or on weekends when he's working to make up for that time off during the week.
The other thing is to know that just because he is at home doesn't mean that taking care of the house is his job. It's both of your jobs. I know you know this intellectually, but clearly this has a way of sliding into ... "well, you've been here all day, why haven't you done the breakfast dishes?" The answer, of course, is that he left home mentally and left them un-done.
So, part of your conversation with him should be about who does what, and when. If it drives him around the bend to have dirty dishes in the sink, so that he can't work until they're done, then probably you should be sure to deal with your breakfast dishes before leaving the house so that you don't force him to do them in order to be able to work. If he likes taking frequent breaks and doing something mindless, like washing dishes, or if he pays no attention to dirty dishes, he might not care. But your conversation with him should cover things like this.
For example, I can't work until the house is clean, so if my husband leaves a mess, I have to clean it up. He just can't get his act together enough to clean up each morning before he leaves, so instead he makes a point of emailing or calling as he's leaving work to find out what we need from the grocery store, and picking it up for us on his way home. This exchange seems fair to me, and since we've talked about it, we're both happy with the arrangement.
So, I guess it all boils down to the most important aspect of making any relationship work: open communication. Find out what he needs, explain what you need, and come up with arrangements that will meet both of your needs. Compromise, be willing to change, realize that neither of you will get everything you want, and be creative about what you expect and are willing to do.
posted by Capri at 7:11 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
What you can do to support your boyfriend's work is to have frank talks about what his hours are like, how well he handles distractions, and how to split up the chores. I can't set any rules for you because I don't know his working style. But if he says he works from 9 to 5, don't expect him to do anything non-work during those hours. If he says he works 45 hours a week, but doesn't follow a specific schedule, he might be quite willing to take care of some chores when he's taking a break, but that means you have to leave him alone in the evenings or on weekends when he's working to make up for that time off during the week.
The other thing is to know that just because he is at home doesn't mean that taking care of the house is his job. It's both of your jobs. I know you know this intellectually, but clearly this has a way of sliding into ... "well, you've been here all day, why haven't you done the breakfast dishes?" The answer, of course, is that he left home mentally and left them un-done.
So, part of your conversation with him should be about who does what, and when. If it drives him around the bend to have dirty dishes in the sink, so that he can't work until they're done, then probably you should be sure to deal with your breakfast dishes before leaving the house so that you don't force him to do them in order to be able to work. If he likes taking frequent breaks and doing something mindless, like washing dishes, or if he pays no attention to dirty dishes, he might not care. But your conversation with him should cover things like this.
For example, I can't work until the house is clean, so if my husband leaves a mess, I have to clean it up. He just can't get his act together enough to clean up each morning before he leaves, so instead he makes a point of emailing or calling as he's leaving work to find out what we need from the grocery store, and picking it up for us on his way home. This exchange seems fair to me, and since we've talked about it, we're both happy with the arrangement.
So, I guess it all boils down to the most important aspect of making any relationship work: open communication. Find out what he needs, explain what you need, and come up with arrangements that will meet both of your needs. Compromise, be willing to change, realize that neither of you will get everything you want, and be creative about what you expect and are willing to do.
posted by Capri at 7:11 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
As far as cleaning goes, I won't go out of my way during work hours to make the house any cleaner than it was before I woke up, but if working from home means that I generate more of a mess, I clean it up before the girlfriend gets home. If you worked outside of the house, you wouldn't trash your office and not clean it up, right? You'd clean up messes until the area was restored to its level of cleanliness that existed before you arrived.
posted by nitsuj at 7:11 AM on April 10, 2008
posted by nitsuj at 7:11 AM on April 10, 2008
Best answer: I work from home, and it's very much a mindset that you have to cultivate. I can only comment from my own experience, and that of a few fellow freelancers, but if your boyfriend is like me, he may adopt a few of the following habits/rules:
- Where I work (our dining room) is 'the office'. If I'm in here, I behave just as if I had commuted to work.
- If the door's shut, I'm trying to concentrate, or I'm on the phone to a client
- If it's open, anyone can come in and say hello, but just for a bit
- I keep 'office hours' and my wife (who also works from home, but part-time in her workshop) knows that during these hours, work comes first.
- If I need to work overtime I let my wife know - it's important to keep her aware of what my pressures and priorities are, so she understands that I'm not just being a workaholic
- I've adopted 'blinkers' to make sure that I ignore all the household chores that I could spot and take care of during the day. These just get done during my lunchbreak (I make sure this is no longer than an hour) or outside of 'office hours'
- Lunch is also when I get out for a walk, otherwise I can go a few days and then realise I've not been out the front door. They may have a habit like this.
- I'm the only one that moves paperwork etc. around in the 'office' - for example if I need to clear things away so we can use the room for entertaining. This is because I don't want to lose track of all the bits of paper I spread everywhere, to help my thinking
The reason for all the rules is that if you work from home, you need to create all the structures that are there in a normal place of work, like expectations about timekeeping, output, tidiness etc. Most of those are there to help you work, and when you lose all those things, you end up all over the place. I work for myself and so there's no external boss somewhere to nag me.
We've also got a pre-school son, who's around the house a lot and he's no problem. He found it easy to learn the rule about the door being open or closed, and to accept when I need to throw him out and get back on with things, so I think it's workable in all sorts of situations.
You used the right word when you said 'discipline'. I found that you need to cultivate a strong sense of internal discipline in order to make it work (I go as far as to put meetings with myself in my diary sometimes, so that I've got deadlines for every important action).
Your boyfriend and his partner will have created their own rules and habits that create and maintain this discipline for them. On the other hand, since they're also housemates, their boundaries between work and play might be quite loose, both in terms of time and in terms of how they use areas of the house.
Just be aware that you're entering their environment - ask them to explain the habits they've got to make homeworking a success for them, and if there's anything you need to mindful of.
But at the same time, you might want to tactfully make sure they both realise that it's now your home, too, so you've got rights as well. I don't know your situation, but for example, I would hope that their workspace is somewhere that they can close the door, so that you're not left feeling that the entire house is the office (especially if they're having to work all hours to meet a deadline).
If he's like me your boyfriend works from home because it's quieter, less distracting and he can get on with things without loads of interruptions. It doesn't imply that I'm wildly introverted or antisocial, but I'm definitely happier this way.
So: find out why he prefers working from home, and how he makes it work, and then remind him it's a home as well as a workplace, and I hope it all works out for you.
posted by dowcrag at 7:23 AM on April 10, 2008
- Where I work (our dining room) is 'the office'. If I'm in here, I behave just as if I had commuted to work.
- If the door's shut, I'm trying to concentrate, or I'm on the phone to a client
- If it's open, anyone can come in and say hello, but just for a bit
- I keep 'office hours' and my wife (who also works from home, but part-time in her workshop) knows that during these hours, work comes first.
- If I need to work overtime I let my wife know - it's important to keep her aware of what my pressures and priorities are, so she understands that I'm not just being a workaholic
- I've adopted 'blinkers' to make sure that I ignore all the household chores that I could spot and take care of during the day. These just get done during my lunchbreak (I make sure this is no longer than an hour) or outside of 'office hours'
- Lunch is also when I get out for a walk, otherwise I can go a few days and then realise I've not been out the front door. They may have a habit like this.
- I'm the only one that moves paperwork etc. around in the 'office' - for example if I need to clear things away so we can use the room for entertaining. This is because I don't want to lose track of all the bits of paper I spread everywhere, to help my thinking
The reason for all the rules is that if you work from home, you need to create all the structures that are there in a normal place of work, like expectations about timekeeping, output, tidiness etc. Most of those are there to help you work, and when you lose all those things, you end up all over the place. I work for myself and so there's no external boss somewhere to nag me.
We've also got a pre-school son, who's around the house a lot and he's no problem. He found it easy to learn the rule about the door being open or closed, and to accept when I need to throw him out and get back on with things, so I think it's workable in all sorts of situations.
You used the right word when you said 'discipline'. I found that you need to cultivate a strong sense of internal discipline in order to make it work (I go as far as to put meetings with myself in my diary sometimes, so that I've got deadlines for every important action).
Your boyfriend and his partner will have created their own rules and habits that create and maintain this discipline for them. On the other hand, since they're also housemates, their boundaries between work and play might be quite loose, both in terms of time and in terms of how they use areas of the house.
Just be aware that you're entering their environment - ask them to explain the habits they've got to make homeworking a success for them, and if there's anything you need to mindful of.
But at the same time, you might want to tactfully make sure they both realise that it's now your home, too, so you've got rights as well. I don't know your situation, but for example, I would hope that their workspace is somewhere that they can close the door, so that you're not left feeling that the entire house is the office (especially if they're having to work all hours to meet a deadline).
If he's like me your boyfriend works from home because it's quieter, less distracting and he can get on with things without loads of interruptions. It doesn't imply that I'm wildly introverted or antisocial, but I'm definitely happier this way.
So: find out why he prefers working from home, and how he makes it work, and then remind him it's a home as well as a workplace, and I hope it all works out for you.
posted by dowcrag at 7:23 AM on April 10, 2008
Best answer: I work from home. It's great in a lot of respects, and I do actually do chores during downtime. It's great to be able to run laundry and do random stuff as needed and when I want to do it.
I try to do more than my share of the chores because I remember well the stress of working with other people in an office all day, and there's also the extra, uncompensated hassle of commuting. However, I want to do this, because I feel respected and appreciated for it, not nagged and guilted into it. I have been impressed by my husband's lack of jealousy and resentment, because he'd trade places with me in a minute.
However, there are other, real stresses, mostly to do with being on call all the time. I've had clients call me as early as 5 am thanks to time zone differences, and expect pretty much instantaneous availability. I'm sitting here talking to you but I'm in my office, with tabs in my browser open to the work I should be doing instead. When my husband leaves for the day he gets to put it all behind him, but my work life is always mixed up in the rest of what I do. The discipline required to pay attention to work when I really need to but to leave it behind when I really need to can be a real challenge.
I don't know about your boyfriend, but my work tends to be in fits and starts -- some weeks I dink around a lot, and others I am just grinding away. During dink weeks I do a lot more around the house and during grind weeks my husband will often go out of his way to lighten my domestic load. If that's the case for your boyfriend, maybe that'll work for you too. However, if he is expected to have a normal 8 hour or longer daily schedule (since he's a programmer, it's probably longer) then he really is having a normal workday, just at home. It's important that you don't lay expectations on him that he can't make of you just because you are physically out of the house.
I'd say the important thing is to keep talking. Ask him what he week looks like, and if he's having a tough one, go out of your way to do more for him. When he has lighter weeks, he can reciprocate. Whatever you do, don't resent him for his situation. Try to be happy for the advantages he has and sympathetic to the extra burdens, and if he's a stand-up guy you'll be rewarded with the same treatment. Good luck.
posted by melissa may at 7:24 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
I try to do more than my share of the chores because I remember well the stress of working with other people in an office all day, and there's also the extra, uncompensated hassle of commuting. However, I want to do this, because I feel respected and appreciated for it, not nagged and guilted into it. I have been impressed by my husband's lack of jealousy and resentment, because he'd trade places with me in a minute.
However, there are other, real stresses, mostly to do with being on call all the time. I've had clients call me as early as 5 am thanks to time zone differences, and expect pretty much instantaneous availability. I'm sitting here talking to you but I'm in my office, with tabs in my browser open to the work I should be doing instead. When my husband leaves for the day he gets to put it all behind him, but my work life is always mixed up in the rest of what I do. The discipline required to pay attention to work when I really need to but to leave it behind when I really need to can be a real challenge.
I don't know about your boyfriend, but my work tends to be in fits and starts -- some weeks I dink around a lot, and others I am just grinding away. During dink weeks I do a lot more around the house and during grind weeks my husband will often go out of his way to lighten my domestic load. If that's the case for your boyfriend, maybe that'll work for you too. However, if he is expected to have a normal 8 hour or longer daily schedule (since he's a programmer, it's probably longer) then he really is having a normal workday, just at home. It's important that you don't lay expectations on him that he can't make of you just because you are physically out of the house.
I'd say the important thing is to keep talking. Ask him what he week looks like, and if he's having a tough one, go out of your way to do more for him. When he has lighter weeks, he can reciprocate. Whatever you do, don't resent him for his situation. Try to be happy for the advantages he has and sympathetic to the extra burdens, and if he's a stand-up guy you'll be rewarded with the same treatment. Good luck.
posted by melissa may at 7:24 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One thing that might come up is how to spend your evenings together. After being in the house all day, he might be want to get out into the world for a while. And after being out in the world all day, you might want home time. Especially since will be a new phase to your relationship, you might think that you will be spending your evenings curled up on the couch together, whereas he wants nothing more than to get out and about. Try not to take it personally, and try to accommodate both of your needs and schedules.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:27 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:27 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
spec80 and SuperSquirrel couldn't have said it better.
My wife works from home and I still have to remind myself that dishes in the sink overnight will still be there when I get home - a little frustrating but I understand.
Also being cooped up all week she does want out of the house especially when all I want to do is veg.
Just remember your SO is working hard just like you and you'll do fine.
posted by doorsfan at 7:36 AM on April 10, 2008
My wife works from home and I still have to remind myself that dishes in the sink overnight will still be there when I get home - a little frustrating but I understand.
Also being cooped up all week she does want out of the house especially when all I want to do is veg.
Just remember your SO is working hard just like you and you'll do fine.
posted by doorsfan at 7:36 AM on April 10, 2008
I work from home a few days a week. Honestly, I do take care of some chores during the day. For instance, I water the garden or tidy up while I listen to a conference call. However there's a limit to how much of that I can do, depending on the day. I can also cook dinner; it's nice to be able to cook something that needs a few hours of oven time.
The bigger issue is that work doesn't end at five. I work when I wake up before Mr. 26.2 leaves for his job; I'm working at 8 pm when he comes home. He can feel as though I never pull my head away from my laptop. When you work from home, it's hard to punch out for the day.
posted by 26.2 at 7:51 AM on April 10, 2008
The bigger issue is that work doesn't end at five. I work when I wake up before Mr. 26.2 leaves for his job; I'm working at 8 pm when he comes home. He can feel as though I never pull my head away from my laptop. When you work from home, it's hard to punch out for the day.
posted by 26.2 at 7:51 AM on April 10, 2008
My exhusband and I both worked at home for a number of years. I definitely think it's important to delineate work hours from non-work times. My ex is a programmer, and the biggest problem I had with his working from home is getting him to stop. There were a lot of times where he went back to work after dinner, and I found that pretty frustrating.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:55 AM on April 10, 2008
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:55 AM on April 10, 2008
I've worked at home for a long time. I agree that it's important to set clear boundaries between work and home life. Otherwise, I tend to think, "I should be working" all the time because, technically, I could work all the time, since my office is only a few feet away.
You might find that if he's really into a project, he won't stop working the minute you come home. He might not be 100% available until he reaches a good stopping point. You might make an agreement that the stopping point has to happen before 6:30 or some other mutually agreeable time.
Also, I sometimes run errands in town on a weekday morning, because the traffic is almost non-existent. That means I'll want to work some evening or a bit of weekend to make up the time.
During my breaks, I sometimes do chores, but I would become pretty cranky if I felt it was expected of me.
I often want to get out of the house in the evening, because I spent the entire day there. This has become less of an issue as I've found places in town to work (cafes with reliable wifi).
I have clients in other time zones, which means an occasional scheduled conference call in the evening or early morning. But I don't answer unscheduled business calls outside my local 9 to 5, and while I read business email outside those times, I usually don't respond to it. This trains my clients and contractors to respect my boundaries.
My biggest problem is one of mindset--my friends don't understand why I'm so happily wrapped up in my business. I'm excited by my work and have all sorts of plans for it, but I can't really talk about it because the people around me don't get it, or they drop broad hints suggesting I hire them. So if your boyfriend and his partner start taking risks with the business or get a great new client, you might find yourself listening to some excited talk that isn't as exciting to you as it is to them.
posted by PatoPata at 8:08 AM on April 10, 2008
You might find that if he's really into a project, he won't stop working the minute you come home. He might not be 100% available until he reaches a good stopping point. You might make an agreement that the stopping point has to happen before 6:30 or some other mutually agreeable time.
Also, I sometimes run errands in town on a weekday morning, because the traffic is almost non-existent. That means I'll want to work some evening or a bit of weekend to make up the time.
During my breaks, I sometimes do chores, but I would become pretty cranky if I felt it was expected of me.
I often want to get out of the house in the evening, because I spent the entire day there. This has become less of an issue as I've found places in town to work (cafes with reliable wifi).
I have clients in other time zones, which means an occasional scheduled conference call in the evening or early morning. But I don't answer unscheduled business calls outside my local 9 to 5, and while I read business email outside those times, I usually don't respond to it. This trains my clients and contractors to respect my boundaries.
My biggest problem is one of mindset--my friends don't understand why I'm so happily wrapped up in my business. I'm excited by my work and have all sorts of plans for it, but I can't really talk about it because the people around me don't get it, or they drop broad hints suggesting I hire them. So if your boyfriend and his partner start taking risks with the business or get a great new client, you might find yourself listening to some excited talk that isn't as exciting to you as it is to them.
posted by PatoPata at 8:08 AM on April 10, 2008
I've been working from home for a long time. I already take responsibility for most of the dishwashing, although it usually doesn't happen while my wife is at work. Sometimes I'll run the laundry during the day. I certainly try not to leave the house in worse condition at night than it was in the morning. I do need to clear my head from work fairly frequently, and I could and should do more housework than I actually do.
Your boyfriend does not have a commute, and he probably doesn't have as many time-killing meetings. So he probably does have more time to get work done, and depending on his style, may be taking breaks during the day during which he could do some light housework. Expecting him to mop the floors would be unreasonable.
Every couple must negotiate its own set of rules, and you'll need to do the same. It's fair for you to expect that he will not leave a trail of ramen between the kitchen and his desk, and you should talk all this out soon.
posted by adamrice at 8:22 AM on April 10, 2008
Your boyfriend does not have a commute, and he probably doesn't have as many time-killing meetings. So he probably does have more time to get work done, and depending on his style, may be taking breaks during the day during which he could do some light housework. Expecting him to mop the floors would be unreasonable.
Every couple must negotiate its own set of rules, and you'll need to do the same. It's fair for you to expect that he will not leave a trail of ramen between the kitchen and his desk, and you should talk all this out soon.
posted by adamrice at 8:22 AM on April 10, 2008
Best answer: Work-time is work-time. It is not at-home-doing-chores-time.
My partner works from home, and I have occasionally tangled with feelings of resentment that chores don't get done - like, I'll get home from work, and there are still coffee cups in the sink, or the dishwasher hasn't been emptied, or whatever, and I get all bent of out shape about it.
I know, in my head, that she's been at work all day - if she worked in an office, I wouldn't come home expecting the kitchen sink to be spotless. But somehow, my stupidity overrides reality.
I congratulate you on thinking about this before you move in. Talk to your boyfriend about it. And try to do as I say, not as I've done (I think I really do have my head wrapped around this now, I hope!): he's working, and working time is not chore time. Even lunchbreak time isn't (necessarily) chore time - you don't dash home on your lunchbreak to throw in a load of laundry, right?
When I freelanced, and worked from home, I sometimes did chores instead of working (procrastination), and sometimes did chores before starting to work. Sometimes not at all. HMMV, and so may yours.
posted by rtha at 9:21 AM on April 10, 2008
My partner works from home, and I have occasionally tangled with feelings of resentment that chores don't get done - like, I'll get home from work, and there are still coffee cups in the sink, or the dishwasher hasn't been emptied, or whatever, and I get all bent of out shape about it.
I know, in my head, that she's been at work all day - if she worked in an office, I wouldn't come home expecting the kitchen sink to be spotless. But somehow, my stupidity overrides reality.
I congratulate you on thinking about this before you move in. Talk to your boyfriend about it. And try to do as I say, not as I've done (I think I really do have my head wrapped around this now, I hope!): he's working, and working time is not chore time. Even lunchbreak time isn't (necessarily) chore time - you don't dash home on your lunchbreak to throw in a load of laundry, right?
When I freelanced, and worked from home, I sometimes did chores instead of working (procrastination), and sometimes did chores before starting to work. Sometimes not at all. HMMV, and so may yours.
posted by rtha at 9:21 AM on April 10, 2008
This is easy. You don't want him doing chores during work hours. You might even forbid him to do any chores during work hours. It is sooooo easy when working from home to lose half the day with "oh I'll just pop a load of laundry in the washer" and "I'll be able to concentrate so much better if these dishes are out of the way" and "might as well put that laundry in the dryer now" and "wouldn't a batch of muffins be yummy?" When you start thinking crazy thoughts about chores, remind yourself that that way lies disaster, and be content with a boyfriend who is at home making money. It could be worse.
posted by Enroute at 9:26 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Enroute at 9:26 AM on April 10, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I write software from home. I have two points to make. The first, you asked for, the second is more important.
Look at the clock to know whether he's at work or not. Think of certain hours as just as distant as physically being miles away. Just because you could poke him without a lot of effort doesn't mean it's less of a workplace.
Now, the important part: Hackers of all kinds -- math, physics, architecture, software, music, writing, and many more -- are able to do what they do because they enter a mental state that is precious, rare, and hard to initiate, where the problem is clear and the fog that impedes everyday mundane thought is cooked away. What you should know is that the state is incredibly fragile. We're building towering structures in our heads, and it requires our full attention or else it collapses. The ability to enter those states is what makes people who can do those things; most people cannot. Furthermore, it takes a while to start up (30 for most people, only five minutes if you're a god) to build up to the point where it's useful. Virtually all our time is spent trying to get into that state. The discipline needed to work from home is nothing compared to what it takes to enter that mental state.
There are no small interruptions when someone is in deep hack mode. Every time you interrupt, you destroy it. That's at least five minutes wasted, just to say "hi", e.g. Think of it as someone dumping a bucket of cold water on you when you're close to orgasm, and you have an idea of how disruptive small interruptions are.
If you want to be the best girlfriend ever, learn to notice the determined daydreamy look, and don't jostle him. Even if you're delivering a cup of coffee he asked for, just place it quietly and leave as if there's a sleeping baby in the room.
posted by cmiller at 9:28 AM on April 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
Look at the clock to know whether he's at work or not. Think of certain hours as just as distant as physically being miles away. Just because you could poke him without a lot of effort doesn't mean it's less of a workplace.
Now, the important part: Hackers of all kinds -- math, physics, architecture, software, music, writing, and many more -- are able to do what they do because they enter a mental state that is precious, rare, and hard to initiate, where the problem is clear and the fog that impedes everyday mundane thought is cooked away. What you should know is that the state is incredibly fragile. We're building towering structures in our heads, and it requires our full attention or else it collapses. The ability to enter those states is what makes people who can do those things; most people cannot. Furthermore, it takes a while to start up (30 for most people, only five minutes if you're a god) to build up to the point where it's useful. Virtually all our time is spent trying to get into that state. The discipline needed to work from home is nothing compared to what it takes to enter that mental state.
There are no small interruptions when someone is in deep hack mode. Every time you interrupt, you destroy it. That's at least five minutes wasted, just to say "hi", e.g. Think of it as someone dumping a bucket of cold water on you when you're close to orgasm, and you have an idea of how disruptive small interruptions are.
If you want to be the best girlfriend ever, learn to notice the determined daydreamy look, and don't jostle him. Even if you're delivering a cup of coffee he asked for, just place it quietly and leave as if there's a sleeping baby in the room.
posted by cmiller at 9:28 AM on April 10, 2008 [5 favorites]
I'm with cmiller about there being no small interruptions. I had a chatty and underemployed boyfriend who couldn't understand that when I'm working I'm 100% unavailable. When someone interrupts, it's hard for me to stop thinking about whatever I'm doing, and once I'm out of the zone and have processed and responded to their innocent comment, it takes me a long time to get back into the work. And when I'm really in the zone, I might not even hear the comment at all, giving the impression that I'm rude. It's one of the many reasons I work at home.
posted by PatoPata at 10:01 AM on April 10, 2008
posted by PatoPata at 10:01 AM on April 10, 2008
Nthing what cmiller said.
I work out of the home. I get up at 5:00 a.m. every day. If I'm not physically writing, I'm plotting. I've had to tell people "don't call me just because you see my lights on," and I don't respond to text messages from my husband until 8:00 or so; I keep my cell phone off until then as well. The only chores I do during the day are ones that may be very necessary to my sanity, like scooping the kitty litter.
We do chores together on his 2nd day off ('cause that's what we worked out, his first day off is to chill). If I go do the laundry, he will either do dishes and take out the trash, or I'll come home and he'll go fold the laundry and bring it home. Couple of weeks ago he did all of the laundry and I swept, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen floor.
I do all the cooking and the meal planning. We both do grocery shopping. Sometimes he uses this computer for his business and I'll take off and go do something or take a break. That's changing next week (we're getting 2nd machine) so I'll be able to write when I get the urge. He's offered to learn to cook and trade off that with me so I can write in the late afternoon without getting up to prep and cook food.
This did not happen all at once. It required negotiation and communication. He had different standards than I do, and I lowered a few of mine and he raised a few of his. Now it's all cool (except for him missing the toilet once in a while, yuk). One thing he really does well is respect my time and space, often better than I do myself.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:14 AM on April 10, 2008
I work out of the home. I get up at 5:00 a.m. every day. If I'm not physically writing, I'm plotting. I've had to tell people "don't call me just because you see my lights on," and I don't respond to text messages from my husband until 8:00 or so; I keep my cell phone off until then as well. The only chores I do during the day are ones that may be very necessary to my sanity, like scooping the kitty litter.
We do chores together on his 2nd day off ('cause that's what we worked out, his first day off is to chill). If I go do the laundry, he will either do dishes and take out the trash, or I'll come home and he'll go fold the laundry and bring it home. Couple of weeks ago he did all of the laundry and I swept, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen floor.
I do all the cooking and the meal planning. We both do grocery shopping. Sometimes he uses this computer for his business and I'll take off and go do something or take a break. That's changing next week (we're getting 2nd machine) so I'll be able to write when I get the urge. He's offered to learn to cook and trade off that with me so I can write in the late afternoon without getting up to prep and cook food.
This did not happen all at once. It required negotiation and communication. He had different standards than I do, and I lowered a few of mine and he raised a few of his. Now it's all cool (except for him missing the toilet once in a while, yuk). One thing he really does well is respect my time and space, often better than I do myself.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:14 AM on April 10, 2008
i've worked from home for the better part of 6.5 years. for years, in the beginning, my mother would call me up in the middle of the day and ask me what i was doing. because she couldn't fathom the idea that i was actually working. from home. so just as you wouldn't want someone to have expectations of you at your office/job for doing anything other than your job, do not do expect your bf to be available for doing anything other than his work. just as you wouldn't stop working in the middle of the day and come home to do chores, please do not expect him to do so.
posted by violetk at 10:51 AM on April 10, 2008
posted by violetk at 10:51 AM on April 10, 2008
As someone who works at home and has other friends who do, I'll just echo what others have said somewhat.
Don't ever say anything, even in anger, like "I wish I could lounge around in my pajamas all day!" or "When are you going to get a real job?" These are, unfortunately, examples from my and my friends' own lives.
Clearly there are advantages to working at home and to working at...non-home. Support each other in your choices and you'll do fine.
posted by FlyByDay at 11:21 AM on April 10, 2008
Don't ever say anything, even in anger, like "I wish I could lounge around in my pajamas all day!" or "When are you going to get a real job?" These are, unfortunately, examples from my and my friends' own lives.
Clearly there are advantages to working at home and to working at...non-home. Support each other in your choices and you'll do fine.
posted by FlyByDay at 11:21 AM on April 10, 2008
you know what? most people at the office don't give a diddly what you're doing and when you're doing it as long as they get a response as if you were in the office. all you really have to be is available during work hours to do whatever it is they expect you to do which will boil down to answering the phone and/or emails within X minutes of it being sent or left. of course it depends on what type of work you do, your work habits, etc. as has been pointed out, but ultimately, you really can sit around in your pjs, unshaven and be just as productive as if you were in the office.
i think it depends on your partner, his work habits, his office culture and how much housework he does presently. when i worked from home, i did chores, started dinner, washed clothes and what not during work hours. and i got my tasks done. coffee break = run the dishwasher, lunch = load of laundry, etc. when i do work from home--and i am a programmer--i routinely get more done (work and personal) than when i am in the office. hands down.
i think it will be hard not to be resentful (over time) if you come home to a partner who has taken the time to make their lunch and leave the dishes in the sink, but not load or unload the dishwasher, or fold some laundry. or expect dinner on the table at 6pm. realistically, it only takes a few minutes to perform those tasks.
further, if they're a programmer and they do their best work in the wee hours and spend the work day sleeping/dozing/watching tv/playing video games while monitoring emails/taking calls, then i think it moves straight to unfair, especially if they don't do what you consider a fair share of the chores.
also, while i agree with cmiller's description of the "hacker zone", etc., you should also make sure your boyfriend doesn't use the 'dreamy, far away' demeanor to shirk responsibility around the house. especially if he's the type that does his best work late at night.
i'm sorry to spoil the party, but there are about a million studies that discuss the disparity between the amount of housework men and women do. if you are already having or suspect you will have issues with the distribution of chores, then it will only get worse, because, like it or not, he and his roommate are getting a live in maid/housekeeper.
i'd like to point out that you've gotten a nice list of reasons of why your boyfriend won't be able to do some/any/as much chores. will these reasons make you feel better when you're the only one cleaning the kitchen, again?
posted by elle.jeezy at 12:06 PM on April 10, 2008
i think it depends on your partner, his work habits, his office culture and how much housework he does presently. when i worked from home, i did chores, started dinner, washed clothes and what not during work hours. and i got my tasks done. coffee break = run the dishwasher, lunch = load of laundry, etc. when i do work from home--and i am a programmer--i routinely get more done (work and personal) than when i am in the office. hands down.
i think it will be hard not to be resentful (over time) if you come home to a partner who has taken the time to make their lunch and leave the dishes in the sink, but not load or unload the dishwasher, or fold some laundry. or expect dinner on the table at 6pm. realistically, it only takes a few minutes to perform those tasks.
further, if they're a programmer and they do their best work in the wee hours and spend the work day sleeping/dozing/watching tv/playing video games while monitoring emails/taking calls, then i think it moves straight to unfair, especially if they don't do what you consider a fair share of the chores.
also, while i agree with cmiller's description of the "hacker zone", etc., you should also make sure your boyfriend doesn't use the 'dreamy, far away' demeanor to shirk responsibility around the house. especially if he's the type that does his best work late at night.
i'm sorry to spoil the party, but there are about a million studies that discuss the disparity between the amount of housework men and women do. if you are already having or suspect you will have issues with the distribution of chores, then it will only get worse, because, like it or not, he and his roommate are getting a live in maid/housekeeper.
i'd like to point out that you've gotten a nice list of reasons of why your boyfriend won't be able to do some/any/as much chores. will these reasons make you feel better when you're the only one cleaning the kitchen, again?
posted by elle.jeezy at 12:06 PM on April 10, 2008
I've worked from home for nearly 10 years now, some living with a partner and some alone. The chores get done either way, but they get done outside "work hours". When I was married, we did housework on a planned schedule: half an hour a night each, and a block of time on one weekend day. I have a mental list of five-minute tasks that I can do while waiting for a conference call to start or an email to arrive, but my job's more flexible than others I've held.
The nature of "chores" outside the work situation is the bigger question, as it is anytime two people move in together. What is "clean"? What is "finished"? What are the things that one person in the house thinks are non-negotiably important and the other(s) think are ridiculous germphobic time-waste?
You might find it helpful, as a pair of my friends did, to come up with a codeword:
Statler: All you did all day was stare at the computer? Couldn't you at least have mopped the kitchen? *rant builds*
Waldorf: Strawberries.
Statler: WHAT? That makes no - oh. Right. You were working.
posted by catlet at 1:57 PM on April 10, 2008
The nature of "chores" outside the work situation is the bigger question, as it is anytime two people move in together. What is "clean"? What is "finished"? What are the things that one person in the house thinks are non-negotiably important and the other(s) think are ridiculous germphobic time-waste?
You might find it helpful, as a pair of my friends did, to come up with a codeword:
Statler: All you did all day was stare at the computer? Couldn't you at least have mopped the kitchen? *rant builds*
Waldorf: Strawberries.
Statler: WHAT? That makes no - oh. Right. You were working.
posted by catlet at 1:57 PM on April 10, 2008
What everyone else said. Also, another thing I know for myself is that when I work at home sometimes I get stir crazy and feel too solitary. In the office, while at times coworkers and company politics can get on your nerves at least you also have a choice of interacting with others when you want to or need a break or a social moment. When I work at home, my coworkers are my dog, and the clients and friends I talk to on the phone or via e-mail. For some people, working at home is great at first but then they begin to get a bit depressed and lose some energy. There's something great to be said for having the freedom to work in slippers, but at the same time there are some downsides. Be aware of that.
An ex boyfriend of mine used to think it was funny to tease me about how he worked so hard while I just goofed around the house all day. So I'd also really recommend you be more supportive and don't do that to him. Successfully working at home is not a giant party by any means.
Also nthing the suggestion of having a space that is solely dedicated to work and not bringing it into the rest of the house. He should be able to walk away from work life and relax in his home when he needs to without it surrounding him (and vice versa). That's incredibly important.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:06 PM on April 10, 2008
An ex boyfriend of mine used to think it was funny to tease me about how he worked so hard while I just goofed around the house all day. So I'd also really recommend you be more supportive and don't do that to him. Successfully working at home is not a giant party by any means.
Also nthing the suggestion of having a space that is solely dedicated to work and not bringing it into the rest of the house. He should be able to walk away from work life and relax in his home when he needs to without it surrounding him (and vice versa). That's incredibly important.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:06 PM on April 10, 2008
My husband works from home as a software developer. I leave in the morning 7ish and get home 5-6ish, about 9/10 hours gone from the house.
In our dynamic, I do all of the cooking and cleaning inside the house, laundry, vacuuming etc. He mows the grass every other weekend, and empties the dishwasher, which gets run about every other day. And takes the trash out. Less than 15 minutes of inside chores a week. So I don't think he's overtasked.
I do get upset when I get home from work, and get ready to make dinner and find that I have to empty the dishwasher first, so I can put any dirty dishes into it, so then I have room to prepare dinner. Upset=fuming, in 8 or 9 hours of working time, there is no reason he couldn't take 3 minutes to empty it. Especially as he says himself, he has to do something completely opposite of working on his code so his brain can work on the problem in the background. That's when he's playing computer or video games or watching TV.
posted by Jazz Hands at 6:12 AM on April 11, 2008
In our dynamic, I do all of the cooking and cleaning inside the house, laundry, vacuuming etc. He mows the grass every other weekend, and empties the dishwasher, which gets run about every other day. And takes the trash out. Less than 15 minutes of inside chores a week. So I don't think he's overtasked.
I do get upset when I get home from work, and get ready to make dinner and find that I have to empty the dishwasher first, so I can put any dirty dishes into it, so then I have room to prepare dinner. Upset=fuming, in 8 or 9 hours of working time, there is no reason he couldn't take 3 minutes to empty it. Especially as he says himself, he has to do something completely opposite of working on his code so his brain can work on the problem in the background. That's when he's playing computer or video games or watching TV.
posted by Jazz Hands at 6:12 AM on April 11, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Even if he has downtime, it should not be expected that he do chores. Again, it would be like asking you to clean the bathroom during a break instead of surfing the internet. Just pretend that when he is working, he actually isn't at home but is at an office.
posted by Loto at 7:03 AM on April 10, 2008