Three's a Crowd

April 5, 2008 2:16 PM

My current roommate's friend asked if he could live with us next year. I like my current roommate, but not his friend.

Here are my options:

a) I can tell my roommate I don't want to live with his friend.
b) I can ask my officemate if he would let me live with him next year.
c) I can look for roommates on craigslist, or live alone.
d) I can suck it up and live with him for the next 12 months.

Here's the problems:

a) He may say "Fine, I'll live with him and you can go find someplace else." Or, he may say, "Ok." But I know it would hurt his feelings, and make me feel like a selfish asshole.
b) I am confined in a small office with my officemate all day. If he is also my roommate, that would be too much. And he's not even going to be here for six out of the next 12 months, so my roommates would be his current roommates, who I don't know from Adam. Also, I don't like the place where he lives- I like my current place better.
c) I really don't have the time right now to look through ads online and visit places. Did this before, and it was a fucking hassle.
d) I can tolerate going out for pizza with this guy. But can I tolerate living with him? The other issue is: people judge you by who you hang out with. Frankly, I don't want to be associated with him.

Here are my thoughts:

I'm not sure whether I dislike this guy strongly enough to cause a ruckus, or whether I should just go along with the flow and sign the lease. Roommates don't interact that much anyway. Maybe living with him would be a good learning experience. And I would get to stay in the nice apartment. Not so bad, right?

The deadline on this decision is Monday. Shit.

posted by proj08 to human relations (13 comments total)

Hm, I would advise against sucking it up. Sharing oh so often turns into complicated drama even if you do get along with everyone when starting out. 12 months is a long time. Also I assume if you shared the appartment between the two of you this year, it won't be that big?

Personally I'd probably go through the hassle of finding somewhere new entirely (because I also agree with your points about work mate. That said, quite a few of the people at my job seem to share and they don't seem to have a problem with it).
posted by ClarissaWAM at 2:24 PM on April 5

a) You're not a selfish asshole for not wanting to live with someone you don't like. It's your place and you have an equal say in who lives there. Your roommate will probably understand if you speak to him honestly. You don't have to say, "Your friend is a tool and you're an idiot for associating with him," just say that you're uncomfortable with the idea of living with the guy.
b) Bad idea.
c) Why give up your current living situation if you are happy?
d) Really bad idea.
posted by easy_being_green at 2:30 PM on April 5

It sounds like you are renting this place from your roommate, is that right? So, you're worried he would kick you out in order to bring in his friend? But there is a spare room for him already so there is room for all three of you, something like that?

Having a roommate you clash with is the sort of thing that wears on you. If you can;t be comfortable in your own home, you never get to fully release the stress of the workday. Probably you will gradually get more and more irritable until one day it will blow up into an argument.

If you can afford it why not live alone? There are so so many advantages to doing so.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:31 PM on April 5

nthing the above advice that you not choose to suck it up and live with anyone you don't want to. Having roommates is hard enough when you do like and get along with them - having put up with my share of crappy roommates, knowing what I know now, there's no way I'd voluntarily start living with someone I knew I couldn't stand. It can be hard to have the "I don't want to live with your friend" conversation... even if you avoid almost all the other conflicts in your life, you will completely, absolutely, 100% be better off if you address this one... if you can't be comfortable in your own home because you have bad roommates, it'll seriously impair the rest of your life as well. Do what you have to (even if it's a hassle) to find roommates you want to live with, or go with PercussivePaul's advice and get your own place. Even if it's a bit lonely (which it can be), you'll be happier.
posted by captainawesome at 2:39 PM on April 5

Don't compromise. In the end, you are the one who has to live with your choices. It might seem like a hassle to go find a new apartment, but living in a situation you can't find a way out of is way more of a hassle. Your instincts are, most times, more right than not. You already feel that even being seen with this guy makes you ashamed. The best bet is to go with your gut. I do, however, agree with easy_being_green. Your current roommate doesn't live in a glass tube, it sounds like he might be trying to test the water with the tool bag, just to see how you react. If you say something about it, he will probably be like "that's cool, i was just seeing what you thought about it" and then you won't have anything to worry about it. But, if that is not the case, go your own way. If your really feel that you ought to "learn" something about tolerance, then go out on a few man dates with him and see if you've got the stomach. But, I wouldn't let him intrude on the solitude and safety of your own home. Good luck!
posted by chasesj at 3:06 PM on April 5

I'd say best option would be to talk to your roommate first and say you don't want to live with this guy, he's just really not your type of person or w/e. Be careful to phrase it in a way that doesn't cause offence to your roommate personally. If your roommate says sure we won't have him here if he bothers you, then all your problems are solved. ;) If not you can start considering options b, c and d.
posted by Xianny at 3:18 PM on April 5

Nope, don't suck it up. Who you live with is important to your well-being.

Here's how I would suggest broaching this with your current roommate: what are the specific things you don't like about his friend? Is he a jerk to you? Does he say obnoxious and embarrassing things to girls in bars? Think of very specific things he does, and go to your current roommate and say "dude, I'm sorry, living with you is awesome, but I'm not sure that Asshole Friend and I would be good roommates for each other." If he asks why, give those specific behaviors or personality traits as a reason. This way, it's not like you're calling your roommate an idiot or a bad person for being friends with him. If the guy is actually a jerk to you, feel free to say that.

I once had to do something like this. I was moving to a new city at the same time as another friend. She wanted us to live together with a third person, someone she was friends with but I didn't really like. I didn't like her because she seemed really immature and self-involved (always talking about herself), so I just said I liked her but found her sort of intense. They actually ended up living together (I found something else) but there were no hard feelings or ill will. I wound up becoming friends with the third person, actually.

And if your friend does end up deciding to live with the other guy, that sucks, but you'll find something else. It's a pain, but certainly not impossible.
posted by lunasol at 3:19 PM on April 5

"Go with the flow" never works out.
posted by rhizome at 3:44 PM on April 5

In a living situation, go with your gut. "Sucking it up" is just going to drive to breaking the lease, passive aggressive (or aggressive) behavior, and make you miserable. Your home should be comfortable for you, not a place to avoid. Have the conversation about why you feel it's a bad idea/you're not comfortable with it, and if everyone makes a ruckus, then go from there.
posted by nikksioux at 3:48 PM on April 5

Agreeing with all the others saying not to live with someone you don't like. You'll probably end up miserable. Talk to you roommate about not wanting to live with his friend and go from there.
posted by whatideserve at 4:05 PM on April 5

Living with people you don't like is about twenty times worse than working with them and the possibilities for them messing with your stuff is way higher too.

Do not, under any circumstances, live with this person that makes you uncomfortable.
posted by fenriq at 4:22 PM on April 5

Tell your roommate as diplomatically as possible that you don't want to live with his friend, and see how things go from there.

And it sounds like you might need to work on being more assertive in general.
posted by orange swan at 6:12 PM on April 5

I talked to my roommate just now, and he was understanding. Dude number three is out of the picture. Thanks everyone.
And it sounds like you might need to work on being more assertive in general.
Stop projecting. (eponysterical)
posted by proj08 at 7:46 PM on April 5