I am pretty good at putting on my game face
March 19, 2008 10:46 AM Subscribe
Is there something wrong with me or is this all contained in the spectrum of normal?
posted by stormygrey to health & fitness (35 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I feel like I operate at a very differnt plane than most people I interact with, but maybe not. I have always been a little off, even when I think I am acheiving the appearance of complete normalacy people will say something like "you are much weirder than you even know" out of no where or a classmate, "Do you know who you remind me of? Carrie."
It all started when I was very young, before vocalalization on or even language came for me. The world would all of sudden slant, like everything was skewed as in a fun house, or I would walk outside and the sky would be on the bottom. I fell over a lot, I still do. My mom took me to eye doctors, but that of couse is not the issue. I am often non-language oriented in my head. I get caught up in rhythems and motion. Like stopping the middle of the street and getting absolutely stopped in time by the geometric fall of leaves falling from the tree, one time I walked by a door swinging shut and the world went into slow motion, I was transfixed by the arc. I felt like I almost fainted after I got out of it and kept walking.
I spent a lot time in speech theraoy and handwriting therapy. I still have trouble writing out all those letters with sticks, p d g q b, they often get the stick on the wrong side, thank god for keyboards. All my teachers thought I was slow because I didn't care that my shoes were on the wrong feet or that my dress was on backwards. It seemed to really upset them on a deep level that once they pointed it out, that I was dressed "wrong" I still didn't care. They sent me to special ed where I was given all the tests. When they gave me an IQ test I scored 158. So I was put in the other special ed for the "gifted".
I have trouble with letters and language, but have worked with myself long enough that obviously I do fine. I become something close to aphasic when I am tired or stressed. My doctors thought I could see forever because I would do horribly on eye exams. It turns out they were throwing numbers in the line up, how unfair, that's not what I was looking for and therefore I couldn't recognize it. Its still that way at eye doctors, sometimes I flip out and tear up and they have to give me the baby exam with all the E's facing different ways. I can do that.
I am pathologically messy and every little bit of personal hygience, interpersonal relationships etc are a very studied approach based on what other people do rather than any real notion on my part. I don't feel weird if an ink pen leaks on me, others rush to clean it. I have no sense of shame or guilt. Mostly I think because I don't do things that I would feel guilty about. I am like a 8 year old, perpetually content, eager to please, and for the most part incapable of extended periods of anger or malice. I don't understand pettiness or cattiness. I interact with everyone as a peer, old, young, men, women, powerfull, powerless. That in general has served me well.
I have no attention for things I am not actively thinking about. If I am not thinking hard about what I am doing I will drop a glass of water I was holding. I will fall down occasionaly because I am so wrapped up in some grand bizarre idea that I forget I am standing. ADD meds help a lot of this.
Overall, it doesn't affect my life that much. But that is only because I am very selfaware and work on quirks as they present themself. Since I have always been labled "high functioning" its been a struggle to get any kind of medicine or even any understanding of how this relates to the normal spectrum.