How to "keep in shape" between infrequent romantic visits?

February 27, 2008 6:27 PM

i'm in a long distance relationship, so my sex life goes something like this: five or six-week dry spell, intense weekend of sexytime, wash, repeat. i need help physically adapting.

previously, we (me the girl, he the boy) were at college together and got to have sex all the time, with no problems. now that we don't see each other as often, the sex has hit some road bumps. due to the previous lack of sex, i feel pretty tight and need a lot of lube for our first "reunion." this is often slow going and somewhat painful for me. sometimes i bleed a little and get what feel like small internal tears. this of course puts a damper on the next time we have sex, since i'm uncomfortable. usually it's only by the end of the visit (three or four days) that i'm "back in the saddle." this is very frustrating since we get to see each other so little as it is, and we want to make the most of our time together. we'd like to get back to the comfort level i had when we had sex more frequently.

how can i "keep in shape" so we can avoid the reconditioning period every time we see each other? should i just practice with a vibrator (i.e. insertion)? time our visits with the "horny" week of my cycle? take some kind of hippie herbal supplement to relax? should we just get liquored up?

advice from others in long-distance relationships would be especially appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 answers total)

Masturbate a lot with a dildo while you're apart. Have tons of phone sex with him. Use lube when you finally get together. Why are you having sex when it's painful for you and causes bleeding? That doesn't sound fun at all! Use lube!
posted by lemur at 6:34 PM on February 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do you masturbate at all? If yes, do it more. If you don't, start.
posted by MadamM at 6:37 PM on February 27, 2008

a vibrator will probably help more than anything else to keep everything nice and flexible.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:54 PM on February 27, 2008

I'm voting for get good and liquored up.
posted by greta simone at 7:03 PM on February 27, 2008

Lube is your friend. Your very good friend. And comes in convenient, airplane-approved bottle sizes suitable for your carry-on luggage!
posted by bedhead at 7:40 PM on February 27, 2008

An ex-girlfriend of mine lived in another city for about 3 of the months we were dating and we had the same problem. In addition to everything that's already been suggested, try having him go down on you for a good length of time before you have sex. Apologies for the overly obvious suggestion.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:47 PM on February 27, 2008 [2 favorites]

Also, what Inspector.Gadget said. I strongly support that solution.
posted by bedhead at 8:40 PM on February 27, 2008

Alcohol? It inhibits lubrication! WTF?

I'm going to assume that it works differently for you than most people, Greta, but alcohol seriously inhibits labial lubrication, and even a man's ability to orgasm, due to dehydration.

I'm thinking the "use a dildo while apart" sounds pretty in-tune with keeping your muscles & tissues ready for a welcome workout, and plenty of lube as needed.

Above all, don't ever consider this an "artificial aid" to your sex life. Your sex life isn't following the pattern your body is evolved to handle. Give it some help. Think of it as a vitamin supplement.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:50 PM on February 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

Soreness, aching, and feeling like you have been run over by a truck sound totally normal to me when reconnecting after a separation. Tearing, bleeding, and intense pain do not -- that is calling for super-duper amounts of lube at the minimum, plus far more foreplay, plus a lot more care and experimentation on his part.

So I'd suggest trying thicker, longer-lasting lubes (more like the ones sold for anal sex), reapplied often. Spending some time with a dildo probably can't hurt, especially if it is the stretching open that is hurting, but only if you have the stamina to thrust that thing back and forth for 30 minutes 30 seconds (adjusted for accuracy), will you be approximating the friction of intercourse.

If you are using condoms, try a different brand, or even a different material (eg polyurethane or sheepskin), and again experiment with lubes.

But in my experience, no matter what, there is going to be some discomfort -- sex is like any other kind of exercise; doing it regularly makes it easier to do lots more without trouble.
posted by Forktine at 8:58 PM on February 27, 2008

Lube is your friend. Your very good friend. And comes in convenient, airplane-approved bottle sizes suitable for your carry-on luggage!
posted by bedhead at 10:40 PM on February 27

Actually, according to this TSA page it would be an over-the-counter medication and therefore not strictly subject to the 3-ounce rule. (IANA Baggage Screener?)

(Sorry if this veers too offtopic.)
posted by Asymptote at 10:30 PM on February 27, 2008

Forktine: Soreness, aching, and feeling like you have been run over by a truck sound totally normal to me when reconnecting after a separation. Tearing, bleeding, and intense pain do not -- that is calling for super-duper amounts of lube at the minimum, plus far more foreplay, plus a lot more care and experimentation on his part.

Yeah, er, without being too specific I am perpetually single and often go many months between encounters (once a couple of years) and have never had this kind of problem in the least. Actually it makes me more eager when the time comes. I have to wonder if there is some anxiety or stress you're feeling about the relationship itself that is inhibiting you. Might be something to think about. Sometimes you have to listen to your body if it's telling you something's wrong.
posted by loiseau at 11:28 PM on February 27, 2008

I'm thinking Loiseau is on to something. When you're together all the time your bod and mind are subconciously being groomed for intimacy, hugs smiles, general small physical affections etc all contribute. When you are apart this dimension is also absent so when you come back together your coming at the whole intimacy thing from a cold start, never mind actual sex. So even you are are mad about eachother, it's going to take a bit of acclimatising to re-sync physically - regardless of interim fun with sex aids.

If it's the case that you leap upon eachother the second you get some privacy after a long stretch of without, your body actually experiences a kind of shock, tenses up and shuts down, regardless of what your head is saying (like blokes having trouble getting an erection despite much desire and intent). This shouldn't be any major physical problem, because, as you say, once you've spent some time together you're fine again.

So maybe the answer is no 'expectation' of penetretive sex on the first night you see eachother, just lots of making out? Then hump like bunnies til that cabdriver calls... ;)
posted by freya_lamb at 5:15 AM on February 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

Ack, for 'your' read 'you're'. Penetrative for 'penetretive'.

Clearly I'm not the person to be advising against impatience...
posted by freya_lamb at 5:19 AM on February 28, 2008

Definitely, more lube, more oral sex, and masturbation in between.

If I were travelling, I'd bring a printed out copy of that page, if you happen to have a container larger than 3oz. Don't assume the screeners know all the regs.
posted by canine epigram at 7:06 AM on February 28, 2008

Do you do kegels? STOP!

And as a former long-distance girlfriend myself, phone sex and a toy are your best friend. You are welcome to get something that vibrates if you like, but technically insertable toys are catagorized as dildos.
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:49 PM on February 28, 2008

My husband and I had our larger-than-3oz bottle of sex lube confiscated by TSA once. So you should probably wait and buy it on the other end.

Also, Nthing the suggestion to use lube. There is a lot of variety amongst brands so if you don't like the first one you try (too sticky, too runny, whatever) keep trying different ones until you find one you like.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:59 AM on February 29, 2008

So you should probably wait and buy it on the other end.
Buy it online from blowfish or Good Vibrations and shipped to him with an (in)appropriate gift card. Stoke the fires and all.
posted by plinth at 3:28 AM on February 29, 2008

I'm in a LDR where we see each other in 3-4 month intervals and umm... phone sex in between \:D/ and take it slow, use lube - lube isn't unsexy, treat it like foreplay!
posted by Xianny at 10:05 PM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]