There is nothing to fear--but fear itself

February 8, 2008 9:09 PM

Okay, this is kind of embarrassing, but how do I not be a whimp?

Well, I'm not a complete whimp (I do have my moments), but I'd like to transcend these moments and make it more of a Life Goal.
I used to be a nervous little kid growing up, but have improved a lot since then, although the feelings of inadequacy still linger. I had a father with a mean temper who wouldn't mind expressing his frustration whenever he could (sometimes even in public), which made the idea of getting angry with, or at someone, even more intimidating for me. But I have learned to cope with at least trying to express my anger as best I can, instead of just bottling it up, and letting it fester. (Right now, after having been diagnosed as Bipolar, I usually have a week where I'm bold and adventurous and full of vigour, and then the next week--I'm exactly the opposite.) I don't know if this has anything to do with my mental condition (I haven't mentioned this to my psychiatrist yet), but was hoping to hear some of your thoughts, or experiences on the subject. If you wish to reply to me privately, my email's in my profile. Thanks.

posted by hadjiboy to grab bag (25 comments total)

Honestly, for me...it took getting my ass kicked, hard. I was lucky, it happened when I was younger, so my body was a little more resilient, and I came away (eventually) with not much to show for it other than an unyielding drive to ensure that never happened again.

I got into martial arts, grew up a whole lot, learned how to not run my mouth off so much, and found that being a tough guy isn't about how much ass you can kick, but how much ass you don't have to think about kicking. Moo Duk Kwan Tae Kwon Do taught me a lot of things, but I think none so important as just being self-aware and confident in my ability to handle myself.

Since my teenage years I've been in exactly 3 situations where the old me probably could have gotten seriously injured, or worse. The new me had his head on his shoulders. I was able to handle myself not so much because of the techniques I knew, as it was because of being present and calm in a threatening situation.

But none of that ever would have happened if I hadn't gotten the ass kicking of my life. I'm not sure if it takes that for everyone, but I wouldn't be where I am without it.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:48 PM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

On re-reading your question - regarding the anger part. I had a lot of that, when I started training. A LOT. Training helped me learn that anger is for the most part an extremely unproductive emotion. Not only will it get you into tough spots that you wouldn't otherwise have been in, it will prevent you from handling yourself as well as you could in such situations, if that makes sense.

Being tough isn't about how you express your anger, its about not getting angry in the first place.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:52 PM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Realize that over-thinking something makes it a lot harder.

Realize that the person you are competing against is also a flawed human being with just as many hang-ups as you and you are both slowly aging and will one day both be dead and no one will remember or care about your insignficant lives.

Learn that you need to choose your battles in life. You cant go off for every little thing.

Realize that mental illness isnt something you can ignore, but something you have to work with everyday.

Realize that most things you do you actually dont want to do, but have been conditioned to want to do strictly for economic survival.

Realize that winning isnt everything.

Realize that fear is your body talking to you, little else.

Find something to live for other than basic survival and materialism. Once you have that then life's big confrontations and scary things start to matter less.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:53 PM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

It sounds dumb but take a toast master's class or some sort of public speaking class. Get used to voicing your opinion. Maybe you can even get involved in a debate club for adults, if those even exist.

I used to get flustered verbally and resorted to physical confrontations. This mostly happened when I was in high school and I felt a lot like you just described. Very frustrated by my reticent and then going over the top when pushed. It mostly was the result of me being a wimp about speaking publicly. I took lots and lots of public speaking classes in college and I got very used to voicing my opinions, even in a hostile situation. It may sound dumb, but it worked for me.
posted by aburd at 9:53 PM on February 8, 2008

Are EST courses still offered?
posted by caddis at 9:56 PM on February 8, 2008

Martial arts teaches you quiet confidence. (It's also superb exercise.)
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 10:05 PM on February 8, 2008

I'm too tired to find a good reference for you but what you want (I think) is to be assertive, not necessarily angry. Assertive means you stand up for yourself without being aggressive. Assertive protects your own boundaries, aggressive means you are crossing the other person's boundaries. Anger and fear make it hard to think, which makes it easy to make bad decisions. Being bipolar makes you more likely to make impulsive (bad) decisions to start with when you are manic - you want to practice staying calm and remembering to think when provoked.

Good news - if you've already been learning how to express your anger respectfullly, without exploding, then you've been teaching yourself to be assertive.

try googling for assertiveness training and see if you find anything useful. hope this helps.
posted by metahawk at 10:13 PM on February 8, 2008

I will third the martial arts training. You learn much more than fighting.
posted by spiderskull at 11:14 PM on February 8, 2008

For martial arts training: try tai chi.

Also, ummmmm.. 'wimp'. No h.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:40 PM on February 8, 2008

Wimp? Doubt it. A wimp could have never posted this without going anonymous. You are not a wimp. Hesitant, perhaps, but that is by your view, not mine, wimp, no. Plus, you have not exhibited anything like wimpy behavior here on MeFi, although I know it is the internets and different and all that rot. So, first step is to assess whether this wimp idea is actually real. It might very well not be. If upon reflection you think it might be real, then perhaps focus on those times when it isn't and be that person.
posted by caddis at 11:46 PM on February 8, 2008

metahawk's on to something--assertive, not aggressive. I used to get walked on a lot. It sounds like your father is a lot like mine, and when you grow up like that, it can be hard finding a proper balanced approach. My tendency was to put up with things far too long, and then unhelpfully explode. When I got tired of that, I made it a habit to calmly tell the truth. It's amazing how far you can go on just saying the truth out loud, in the most neutral terms possible. At the same time, I started drawing appropriate boundaries. I learned how to say no and stick with it. The thing is, you don't have to do that very long before people adapt and stop even trying the crap that used to drive you nuts. At least, that's how it worked with me. Once they realize the jig is up, they find someone else to abuse. I'm trying to think of a concrete example, but it's been so long since I've really had to draw the line, nothing's coming to mind.

But boy, I could tell you a lot of stories about times that I should have stood up for myself and didn't. Glad those days are over.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:47 PM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

metahawk is right, basic assertiveness is easy to learn and enormously effective.

Find something to live for other than basic survival and materialism. Once you have that then life's big confrontations and scary things start to matter less.

This is also really good advice. When you feel yourself becoming afraid, find the love in what you're doing and you'll lose the fear. This idea is at least as old as the Bible, and it still works.
posted by teleskiving at 3:07 AM on February 9, 2008

I'm not quite sure what your question is, hadjiboy.

The tags "panic, anxiety & panicattacks" speak to something other than being a wimp, and aren't particularly related to the gift of bipolar awesomeness, from what i know about it (disclaimer: bipolar awesomeness takes various flavours).

It would be handy if you could be more specific.

Other than that, martial arts rock. You could study the Indian martial art that the vigilante type hero in the movie Hindustani studied! That's meant to be from the south. And with all due respect to dirtynumbangelboy, tai chi sucks ass. You want something that at least raises a sweat. Plenty of good, vigorous exercise is especially recommended for bipolar types - keeps depression at bay, and burns excess manic energy. Also facilitates good, deep, regular sleep; the lack of which can become a vicious circle.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:34 AM on February 9, 2008

I'll disagree with the martial arts suggestion, having taken it myself. Martial arts will make you fit, give you more confidence, and maybe give you a better chance in a fight - but it's very possible to know martial arts and still be a gushy spineless wimp.

Being assertive, having morals (which is completely unfashionable these days) and looking people straight in the eyes while you tell them exactly how you feel [albeit considerately] is way tougher in my opinion.

Sure, use martial arts or some sort of physical exercise to burn up that anger you have, but don't ever, ever be fooled into that macho crap.
posted by survivorman at 4:55 AM on February 9, 2008

Carry a weapon.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:26 AM on February 9, 2008

Nth-ing martial arts, but would suggest Aikido. Still non-violent, but a bit more immediate applicability to adverse situations than tai-chi. A**hole grabs you in a bar, you stare him down and try not to get into anything, but... you can whip him around and throw him to the ground and hold him there until the bouncers arrive. Prime Directive, nobody gets hurt. If you have anger problems, I'd avoid the kick, punch, attack martial arts... likely to get your a** kicked or end up in jail or hurt somebody really bad. I've done karate, hwa rang do, and tai chi... for immediate effect and making sure you don't go out and get hurt or hurt somebody else... Aikido, it will calm you, and relatively quickly teach you enough to not be afraid, and teach you not to hurt others if at all possible.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:30 AM on February 9, 2008

Ubu, sorry for being so opaque; after re-reading my post I don't know what I was thinking while typing it. I guess just getting the whimp (dirtynumbangelboy, I think you can spell it like that as well... not sure though:)) part out of the way was a huge step.
I suppose what I was looking for was a means to calm myself whenever I'm in a situation that might require me to stand up to someone--without having to sacrifice my dignity. Because I either go too far, or I don't go far enough; what I'm looking for is balance.

As far as the physical aspects are concerned--thanks for the tips guys. Like allkindsoftime I wish that I'd gotten into a few fights when I was younger just to get the feel of it, but it seems weird now. Not that I wouldn't mind throwing a punch or two, but like I said: when I'm in a confident mood--I'm more than capable of dealing with stuff like this (meaning--I'm too clever to get into a fight in the first place). It's only when I'm depressed that I lose all sense of self-worth and turn into a wuss and try and compensate for that by taking on people who I probably shouldn't. Or at least not until I'm fully functional again.

So, I think my question should've been along the lines of: how do I stop myself from trying to become this aggressive guy who's actually trying to hide his inferiority sometimes?

caddis: thanks. I'm usually pretty hard on myself so I'm not the best judge of my own character.
posted by hadjiboy at 8:06 AM on February 9, 2008

I'm not the best judge of my own character.

This is part of being young. Very normal, in other words. It will improve with time. As you get older, you will know yourself better, your strengths as well as your weaknesses, and become more comfortable in your own skin.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:27 AM on February 9, 2008

Krav Maga.
posted by charlesv at 10:19 AM on February 9, 2008

Right now, after having been diagnosed as Bipolar, I usually have a week where I'm bold and adventurous and full of vigour, and then the next week--I'm exactly the opposite.

I didn't read the above replies, but I urge you to share this with your psychiatrist. I would also talk to them about therapy. I don't feel like going to a martial arts class is a good idea. Frankly, bipolar mania comes with some self-control problems and I don't think it's a great idea to make yourself feel better about engaging in violent conflict.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:04 PM on February 9, 2008

Do not carry a weapon.
posted by ORthey at 1:17 PM on February 9, 2008

I concur with finding some sort of activity that helps you feel more generally confident.

But my real advice is: stop calling yourself names. What does "wimp" mean? Anything you want it to when you're using it to make someone feel bad.
posted by desuetude at 1:51 PM on February 9, 2008

Frankly, bipolar mania comes with some self-control problems and I don't think it's a great idea to make yourself feel better about engaging in violent conflict.

Dunno about that. The ones that I've studied - eg judo, tai chi & capoeira - are all pretty close to useless in a violent conflict situation; far more on the "art" side than "martial". More about fitness, discipline, coordination, respect etc than being able to pluck somebody's heart out & eat it while it's still beating.

Also, learning such things teaches you *not* to engage in violence, becoz you quickly realise that the most unassuming looking people sometimes have been studying serious shit for decades or more, and you never know what tricks people have up their sleeves.

Finally, do not carry a weapon unless you're prepared to have it taken off you and used against you. That suggestion is about the stupidest thing I've ever read here.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:36 PM on February 9, 2008

Really? Just get punched in the face. Honestly, that's all it takes. After that, it just gets more sickening but you are no longer a wimp. The question is, is that a club you really want to join?

There is a difference between courage and macho. It is that courage takes guts. Anyone can fight, but what counts is standing up for what you believe.

As long as you know the difference between wimp and coward, you'll be a champion in everyone's book who matters.

PS Some friends are smarter and some are bigger. Both come in handy.
posted by humannaire at 8:31 PM on February 9, 2008

Anything that encourages you to keep to a schedule is helpful, so I would second the martial arts ideas. Also, knowing that you COULD kick someone's ass but choose not to, would probably help you feel better.

The bipolar thing: my boyfriend is the nicest person I've ever met, and the sweetest guy I've dated, but when he's in a manic state, hoo boy look out. Even controlling his rage, he's fucking scary. Fortunately his meds ameliorate all this a great deal, so I've rarely had to see that side of him. The stories he tells - like the time he broke some guy's nose with the back of his head, or threw a golf club through a BMW windshield - make me glad. I think it takes a bigger man to not give in to those urges.
posted by herbaliser at 1:40 PM on February 11, 2008