Girl alone

January 5, 2008 10:44 PM

I often want to see bands that none of my friends want to see, but I stay home because I'm afraid to go to clubs all by myself. What do you do when you go to a club all alone?

Yes, I'm a dork, and a wuss. I stay at home if I can't get friends to come out with me.

Going to a club all by myself is terrifying. I feel like if I do so, everyone else will laugh at me because I'm the only alone person there.

Do people really go to clubs alone? What do you do between bands? How do you not feel like a loser?

posted by freshwater_pr0n to society & culture (72 comments total)

I've done this before and of course there's always the apprehension of coming across as a freak or loser, but if it's a band you really want to go see, do it. Judging from your picture on your profile, I'm sure you won't have a problem with someone striking up a conversation with you anyhow. I never had a problem either and I've actually met a few good friends this way.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:51 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]

I take something to read. Not some tome like "Infinite Jest" but something like:

- The Stranger (Seattle's alternative weekly magazine)
- Paperback that fits in the back pocket (currently using Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" for this purpose, also handy when standing in line)
- When an interesting article shows up on MeFi or Arts and Letters Daily I print it out and save it for these types of occasions
- Bring a section of the newspaper that interests you

Listen, when you're an adult, nobody gives a shit if you're a dork. If you're a dork who reads then that is some useful down time between bands to catch up on light reading.
posted by vito90 at 10:51 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

I'm constantly in your shoes out here because, believe me, nobody wants to go to the places I want to go. I'm all "HEY, I FOUND A PLACE THAT HAS A PRESERVED CLOWN CORPSE in a CASE!!!" and they're like, "What? That's gross, Katy." It's discouraging, let me tell you.

So, I don't go out as often as I'd like to, but I sometimes force myself to go it alone anyway. And trust me, no one laughs at you if you're there alone. More than likely, someone will approach you, ESPECIALLY if you're female (and I gather from your profile that you are) and schmooze. If you don't want to be bothered, bring along a little notebook and sketch or scribble notes or something. Well, that's what I do, anyway.
posted by katillathehun at 10:57 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]

I've gone to shows by myself for more or less the same reasons as you. I also have been to most of the concerts I've been to accompanied by a parent, because I only recently turned 18 (usually they've stayed away from where I stood, so I was basically alone). So I think I beat you, lame-wise :)

Usually I stand with everyone else and look like a dork, but really I usually don't feel too awkward. Most people tend to focus on the music, at least at the concerts I've been to. Even at ones where there's a lot of people more focused on drinkin' and carousin', there's still been a significant enough number of people just focusing on the band that I haven't felt too awkward.

Actually the only time I've ever struck up a conversation with someone else was at the last concert I went to. Some dude asked me if I was there alone, and then when I said I was he expressed relief at not being the only alone person there. We started chatting about the band (obvious starting off point), why no one else was dancing (we had both been dancing, albeit not well), etc. etc. I asked him where he was from, if he'd ever seen the band before, where he went to college, just generic stuff. I'm not a very socially adept person, but I was still able to chat pretty easily.

In conclusion, yes, people go to clubs alone. Between bands, you stand there like a dork and stare at people and hope someone friendly opens up a conversation and/or open up a conversation with someone else (advanced users only!). You don't feel like a loser by just... not stressing, because hey! You're in the same room as a band you hopefully enjoy! Cool! Yay, exciting sounds! Doesn't that make occasional awkwardness totally worth it?

For context: I am also female and pretty young, this is my experience based on mostly medium sized indie concerts (The Decemberists, Of Montreal, The Hold Steady, etc., in Dallas, TX. If that helps any.
posted by MadamM at 10:58 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

Previously.
posted by occhiblu at 11:00 PM on January 5

Have you ever seen anyone else alone at a concert? No, because you don't care, and no-one else does either. Just go and keep your eyes open during the downtime between songs/bands. Then go to another one and if you see a person who was there before it's easy to strike up a conversation with "Hey, didn't I see you at Band X at Club Y?"
posted by hamhed at 11:01 PM on January 5

I have a drink and people-watch inconspiculously. Sometmes I'll chat with people around me, but it's not a big deal if I don't. And as for what people probably think of me, I assume in the vast majority of instances they have no thought about me whatsoever -- people are pretty self-absorbed in those kinds of settings; I'm not really going to register on most people's radar screen as OMG GIRL ALONE!!!! And in the rare case someone does have a thought about me being there on my own, I assume they are thinking something along the lines of "wow, look at that cool woman who's confident enough to go check out a band by herself." Seriously.

In other words, I don't feel like a loser for going to a band by myself because I'm not a loser for going to see a band by myself. Neither are you. It's kind of that simple, really, if you decide to see it that way.
posted by scody at 11:02 PM on January 5

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that dude who talked to me at last concert= definitely flirting. I didn't mind, I'd rather stand and be flirted with than stand aimlessly, hands in pockets, trying not to look awkward. If you do mind getting flirted with, you might have difficulties. In this situation young female-ness is a definite asset.
posted by MadamM at 11:03 PM on January 5

My husband travels a lot, and only a few of my friends like the same music I do. So if a band I want to see is in town, I sometimes go alone. I usually read something too, while waiting for the band to set up, in line, or in between sets. But most of the time, you end up chatting with people standing around you - 'cause hey, you have at least ONE thing in common since you are all there. In between sets, especially, since you can always talk about the previous band. It's never boring, and in my experience people often think that you are cool for being able to do things like that by yourself. Most people are kind of apprehensive about doing anything alone, even going to movies.

Trust me, nobody thinks that you are a loser because you are there alone. Just go, enjoy the music, smile and be open to talking to people, and you will have a good time.
posted by gemmy at 11:08 PM on January 5

Well the first thing to realize is that most people aren't paying attention enough to realize that you're by yourself. It can be easy to pick out someone eating by themselves in a restaurant, but it's usually harder to spot someone who's alone at a live show.

Do people really go to clubs alone?

I've done it a few times. Like you said, sometimes you want to see a band even though none of your friends are interested.

What do you do between bands?

You could go to the bar and buy a drink. Or stand around awkwardly. Or strike up a conversation with somebody. Maybe head over to the merch table and check out what they have there. There's a lot of normal stuff you can do to kill time even if you don't have you're friends there with you.

How do you not feel like a loser?

I guess just by having a good time and enjoying the bands that you can to see. Really, the time that you should feel like a loser is when you stay home and don't go see a band because you're too afraid of what people will think.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:11 PM on January 5

As a (mostly) solo show goer I came to the realization if I stayed home and waited for company, I would never see ANY live music that came to town. At first it felt a bit strange, esp. if it was a tiny crowd; but I got used to it and I started to see a lot of the same folks at shows I went to and, eventually, engaged them in a conversation of some sort (usually geeking out about music). Now, when I go to a show by myself I usually see at least 1 person I know and can talk to, if I am so inclined.
posted by Asbestos McPinto at 11:15 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

I don't go to shows anymore because I hate being one of the older people there. It's silly, I know, but I feel like a social leper when surrounded by the 20-35 crowd. And raves? Yikes! (exceptions being the Joshua Tree Music Festival, and, of course Burning Man.)
posted by mrhappy at 11:16 PM on January 5

I do this when I'm on business trips a lot. I've got five or so planned in the next month or two. It took a bit to get used to, but it's fun. I recently took a short vacation to go see a band in another state.

So two things:

1) Just do it. You get used to it like anything else
2) Talk or don't talk to people as you see fit. You're there for the band! But sometimes talking to strangers is fun.
posted by Pants! at 11:18 PM on January 5

I've done this a bunch of times, mostly because my friends are lamers who won't go to shows I want to go to. Just buy a beer and stand around. It really isn't as bad as you think. Most people at a concert don't spend their time looking for people who are there alone to make fun of. It can be boring waiting for a band to play while you're by yourself, but that's how it goes.
posted by chunking express at 11:32 PM on January 5

I am exactly like you. I'll pass if I can't get anyone else to go. But, there are some bands that I will not absolutely miss come hell or high water in which case I go anyway. Halfway through the show I am usually good friends with the person/group standing next to me. They usually invite me out to a drink after and I've got one more concert friend on my phonebook.

PS: If anyone else is missing out on great shows at the Filmore because you have no one to go with, Memail me!
posted by special-k at 11:35 PM on January 5

I go to shows alone often, although not without fail -- sometimes I don't really feel like it. It depends on the bar or the band or the type of party it will be. Some thoughts:

I don't typically go for both/all the opening bands unless I specifically want to see them. It's just too much time to be there. I always immediately get a drink, both as a prop (for comfort) and to loosen me up a bit. I like to sit down between bands. I bring something to read or my ever-present notebook to write in. I sometimes write a couple text messages between bands so I feel like I'm doing something, but generally I try not to be that douche that's obsessed with their cellphone.

Two related exercises: Eating alone in a restaurant, and being a 'regular' at a bar. The first was easiest. It helps if you have reading material or a notebook. The latter is a more recent endeavour, and it has been harder -- sometimes I just feel weird going to a bar and getting a drink alone. I'm getting to know the staff and other locals, but it's still a challenge. I work on these things because I think they're character-building. I'm an introvert so it definitely is work. But it is nice to have a place to go sometimes when you don't want to be home (I live alone).
posted by loiseau at 11:43 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

i've always gone out alone; i don't see any reason to feel like a freak over it. in fact, i go out when i *want* to be alone. kinda hard to hear anyone over the din, so no point in conversation. good to keep a scratch pad or your electronic pacifier of choice handy; the mind wanders in creative ways when unoccupied.
posted by patricking at 11:48 PM on January 5

(Better for smaller clubs than for bigger shows.) Plan in advance. If you catch someone putting out fliers for a show you want to see, run over and talk to them. Tell them your name. Ask if you can have a flier. Ask what parking (or public transportation) is like. Smile and say thanks. Then in between bands, seek them out and say hi to them again, and thanks again for giving you a flier, the show is great. Do they know any other shows like this coming up? If you're lucky, when they get bored of talking to you they'll introduce you to other people (because they know almost everyone there already). Now you know lots of people..happy times.
posted by anaelith at 11:51 PM on January 5

Don't worry about going alone. I've done it several times and always find people to talk to. Besides, going to a show with a friend/significant other, while nice, doesn't automatically mean that you'll have a better time than you would on your own. As for other people thinking you're lame, who cares? Life's too short to worry about the opinions of total strangers.
posted by chicainthecity at 12:02 AM on January 6

How do you not feel like a loser?
You ask us, reading this on Saturday night?

I go out to see bands alone. I've gotten so used to it that I don't usually bother trying to track down other people to go with me. No one has ever laughed at me or seemed to think it was odd, unless you count guys asking "So why don't you have a boyfriend?", but I'm more inclined to think that's some sort of misguided attempt at a pickup line. Between bands I usually talk to random people, even if I don't know them.

I generally find that the more talkative social groups tend to sit or congregate further from the stage, so you might find it more comfortable to sit a bit closer with all the other people who are sitting quietly by themselves. If you don't want to sit by yourself, approach a group of people with an empty seat, strike up a conversation, and ask if you can join them. With either strategy, if you see the same bands often you will soon get to know people that you will be running into when you go out to clubs.

It's not true that no one will notice you are there by yourself. You can expect that many men will notice this and want to talk to you, with the usual pluses and minuses of that situation. Do stay aware of who is around you, don't drink too much, and keep your drink and personal items where you can keep and eye on them and you'll be fine.

Just go! You're building this up too much, you'll be fine and have a good time, and might make some new friends.
posted by yohko at 12:13 AM on January 6

I go alone to shows all the time. At first out of necessity, because there was music I had to see and no one to go with. After a while I started to really really like it, and now, more often than not, I keep it to myself that I'm going to shows so that I don't have to go with anyone. It's great to go alone -- you don't have to worry if your companion is bored or tired or if you're blocking their view. You can sneakily ooze up to the very front without fear that your companion is thinking you're a dorky fangirl. You can leave early and disappoint no one.

What to do: before the set, read a magazine. If it feels weird, pretend you're waiting for your friend to join you when she gets out of work. In between sets you can go to the bar, the bathroom, wander to check out other sight-lines, claim a space up front. I never strike up conversations because I prefer not to, so I generally just people-watch and try to maintain a good location for the main show. Another not-too-unusual activity is to play with a digital camera, test exposures, take little detail pics of the club, etc.
posted by xo at 12:19 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

It's not all about you. No one else is there to check if attendees are there by themselves, and then laugh at them. No one cares enough about you to keep tabs on where you are, or who you're (not) with. They're there to see their friends and see the band. They don't care that you're there at all (unless you significantly add to or detract from their experience of the band or the ambiance).

I go see "bands" by myself all the time (though the ones I see are often called "symphonies"), because it makes the logistics easier and because I'm there to listen to the band, not to chatter with friends. (God I hate talkers.) During intermissions, I strike a conversation with someone at random; afterwards I go back to my seat and again immerse myself in my private listening experience.
posted by orthogonality at 12:35 AM on January 6 [2 favorites]

I do this when I'm on business trips a lot.

And, hell, you can just tell people you're on a business trip and that's why you're alone. Or you're visiting your grandparents. Or...well, you get the picture. In reality, you're extremely unlikely to have to 'explain yourself', but have plausible excuse lined up just in case. I was a little embarrassed when I started going to see movies alone and now I actually prefer to go to movies alone. And I've start going to concerts alone as well.
posted by mullacc at 12:39 AM on January 6

I basically bring a little notepad and a pen, so I can write down in what order they do the songs to save along with my ticket stub. Also, bring a book (or two) and then one of those itty bitty clip-on travel lights so you can read said book. Prepare to have to fend off all of these people who feel compelled to talk to you, whether or not you are looking in their direction, are concentrating, or anything else. Sometimes a tight smile and pointing to your earplugs will dissuade them, but alcohol is the great loosener of social inhibitions, so maybe not.

Note: I still feel like a loser, I just keep myself too busy to care very much.
posted by adipocere at 12:39 AM on January 6

I not only went to a club alone to see King's X back in the day, I stood on my feet the whole time, including through the two opening acts. (Seating was extremely limited at this club.)

That was the first of many times I went to a club alone, and I never got any guff about it.

There are probably other people there alone too. If you are social, see if you can find some of them and strike up a conversation.
posted by kindall at 12:40 AM on January 6

Honestly? If you don't care, nobody else will.

I go to shows, and even to nightclubs, by myself all the time. I actually prefer it, for much the same reasons that a lot of posters upthread have mentioned--new to an area, travelling, a show/activity/venue that friends aren't interested in, etc., want the autonomy of being able to do what I feel like instead of bowing to a group/other person. All the suggestions given are good (I'm enough of an oddball that I'd probably be more interested to talk to the solitary person nursing a drink at a bar over a book or magazine article), but really it boils down to not worrying about what other people think. Most of them are wrapped up in the show, or their own companions, or themselves, and aren't really going to be paying attention to you. If you do end up striking up a conversation with someone (and this happens often to me between sets, esp. when I sidle up front with all the other nutso fans--they're enthusiastic about the act, want to talk to someone else who is enthusiastic about the act, and generally don't give a shit if you're there alone or with a group), all you have to say is "I'm from out of town/I just moved here/nobody else I know was interested in [X]". You may even make some friends.

If you're really bothered by people knowing you came alone, there's a passel of lines you can use to explain "temporary" solitude ... "My friend is at the bar/in the bathroom/coming later/chatting someone up/buying smokes/didn't want to stand up front/wanted to stand up front", etc.

Bottom line, it's totally worth it. To pull out the old cliché, when you're on your deathbed would you rather remember that you avoided the potential of looking like a loser to a bunch of people you don't know, or sift through your memories of all the great shows you saw?
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 12:51 AM on January 6

Seconding everyone who says just do it.

I go to a fair few gigs on my own. My usual approach is to try to get there reasonably late, unless I really want to see the support band, so I don't spend too much time standing around. I'll maybe go in, get my hand stamped, find out when the bands are on, and then go out and get a coffee or something while I wait.

I've had people come up and chat to me sometimes, because I've obviously been alone - both male and female. If not, well I'll have a few drinks, wander round the venue, and wait for the band.

One option: I see from your profile that you're on last.fm. Why not use that? Add yourself to events that you're going to. Look at who else is going to those events. Send them a message asking if they would like to hang out. Sure, you'll probably get a few 'thanks but no' responses, but you might meet some really cool people. Or post on the message board for the event.
posted by Infinite Jest at 1:06 AM on January 6

Before a concert starts it is really awkward, but especially being female, don't be afraid you'll stick out like some scarecrow. Indie concerts are the least cliquish things I've ever been apart of, do not be surprised, or turn down, after party invites and bar hopping with some friends who were just energized by the music. Plus at any given venue a sizable portion will be in college and still have that openness to meet to new people without it seeming like a life commitment.

Everyone is watching the singer's girlfriend dance around in front like a crazy person anyway, no one will care about you.
posted by geoff. at 1:19 AM on January 6

Do you enjoy writing? How about starting a hobby as a blogger for your local music scene? Just start a blog (it takes about 3 minutes to set one up at blogger.com), print out a few business cards and bring a notepad to the show. It gives you a great reason to not only be there alone, but to interact with the bands and fans that are there. Suddenly you're not a girl in a bar alone, you're a girl with a job to do. Introduce yourself around, ask folks for their opinions on the music. Between sets, go up and talk to the musicians, give them your card, ask them a few questions. If you're interested in one particular genre of music, you'll probably begin to run into some of the same people at different shows. Get to know them a little and soon you'll have some folks to chat with and suddenly you're not alone, you're with friends!

(If you're not interested in writing, what about band photography? That's another great way to stay busy and meet people at a show.)
posted by platinum at 1:25 AM on January 6

1. I think less of people who can't go out alone,
2. I think less of people who when they are out with friends, are using them as a security blanket,
3. I'm not alone in this.

You talk about feeling dorky from going to a club alone, but those with the confidence to go where they please regardless of their friends, and enjoy themselves at activities of their choosing, make up a big chunk of the top-tier least-dorky people in the club.

So the dorky problem isn't from going alone, it's from feeling self-conscious and dorky about doing it. Well, that will take time to overcome, but the first step in overcoming it and becoming confident, and self-assured as yourself rather than as a part of a group, is going to the events you want to go to, regardless of whether your friends are interested. Fine, feel like a dork, let it take half the shine off the evening, but keep doing it anyway. You'll become a better person.


(This thread reminded me of a woman I saw at a Zappa plays Zappa concert in Seattle. I do a lot of clubbing around the world, and I see a lot of attractive people, but she was something else - she radiated the self-assurance of someone with their life together, which is a vibe largely absent in the usual hot and/or attention-seeking nightlife crowd. (I tried to find her after the show, but failed - lost her in the crowd, which I still regret). She was at the show alone - and for someone as collected as her, that wasn't the least bit surprising).

Going to a show alone isn't just something that only people with no friends do, it's also something that the coolest of the cool do. ;-)
posted by -harlequin- at 1:27 AM on January 6

i agree with xo---just go! some of my favorite shows have been ones i've gone to by myself. (heck, i alone went to a willie nelson concert two states away because i had managed to get front row seats and my concert buddy backed out at the last minute. had the best time ever...willie himself handed down to me one of his show bandanas!) for the smaller shows i've attended alone, i've taken photos or used a notepad to jot down ideas/observations. this method has made me feel like i belong and sometimes it has snagged me a trip backstage, like back in the day when blind melon was just starting out. the key thing is to enjoy the experience/the music. its what makes life great.
posted by ms.jones at 1:29 AM on January 6

How do you not feel like a loser?

I guess just by having a good time and enjoying the bands that you can to see. Really, the time that you should feel like a loser is when you stay home and don't go see a band because you're too afraid of what people will think.

Agreed 100% with burnmp3s there - from being in a similar situation myself in the past, looking back on it I wish that I'd spent more time enjoying myself, watching the bands I'd paid to see, rather than worrying about what people who don't know me may be thinking - which they usually won't, because they're too busy watching the band!

But sometimes talking to strangers is fun.
posted by Pants! at 11:18 PM on January 5 [+] [!]

Agreed there too - once you're old enough to figure out which of the anonymous faces you interact with on a daily basis belong to serial killers, the "don't talk to strangers" mantra should be used with moderation... think of your friends who are close to you and have played an important and enlightening part of your life so far; at some point they too were just faces in the crowd and all of those good times you've had would never have happened if you'd never said "hi".
A club near where I used to live used to have on the side of the building "this place isn't full of strangers, just friends you haven't yet made.
posted by Mrevilbreakfast at 1:29 AM on January 6

In the past I've looked on the internet to see if there's a fan forum for the particular band I want to see, lurked to make sure they're not all nutters, and then posted a note "Hey, is anybody going to the Borderline next Wednesday? Want to meet up for a drink before the show?" That's how I found out I'm not the only Drive-By Truckers fan in London.
posted by essexjan at 2:49 AM on January 6

I used to go to clubs & shows by myself a lot in L.A., because my other friends were not the "going out" type. As others said, no one really cares, I never got any crap or comments or anything. And sometimes, even if you're as antisocial and introverted as me (for some reason I rather enjoyed going out and being antisocial in public...), people will come up and talk to you. One of those people is now my wife! So I heartily recommend it. :)
posted by wildcrdj at 3:18 AM on January 6

Few will notice, no one will care, and you're unlikely to run into anyone who knows you (and if you do, you'll know who to go to the next concert with, right?). That doesn't make it easier. I've never been to a gig on my own partially because I've been scared that I wouldn't have a good time.
posted by grouse at 3:37 AM on January 6

I am a girl and I go to shows alone often. I usually just buy a beer and then stand and listen to the music. Honestly, I don't think anyone's paying attention to whether you're alone or not -- in the 10 seconds they glance at you, the friends you came with could be in the bathroom or at the bar. Or you could just appear to be alone, which as a few said above, shows you don't need that security blanket of friends around you. That's points in my book.

Also, for me, I'd rather go to a show alone than go with a friend who isn't sure they like the band and who I will worry a bit about having a good time. When you're alone you can totally get wrapped up in the music, which is part of the point of going in the first place. Good luck--I hope you try it because it's sad to miss out on hearing bands you dig.
posted by jdl at 5:29 AM on January 6

I met my husband going to a show alone. I highly recommend it.
posted by AV at 5:53 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

N-thing all the "just go" suggestions; you'll be fine. On the other hand, if you don't like being alone, you can find someone who likes similar bands and go together. You don't need a decade of friendship under your belt to watch a show with someone else.
posted by ersatz at 5:56 AM on January 6

Wow, I didn't even see wildcrdj's (who is incidentally not my husband) comment. That's some odds.
posted by AV at 6:05 AM on January 6

Bring a camera, if those are allowed at the show. Play indie rock photographer.
posted by emelenjr at 6:10 AM on January 6

Going to a club all by myself is terrifying. I feel like if I do so, everyone else will laugh at me because I'm the only alone person there.

I have had too many experiences where I've had to sit through some awful band because the person I was with wanted to see the band, or (worse) I had to cut out of seeing a band I really wanted to see (or see more of) because someone had to work the next day, or had an ear infection, or was all vomitty, or whathaveyou. Going to a club with friends who also want to go is awesome. Going to a club by yourself is no less awesome, and it's muchmuchmuchmuch better than having to convince someone to go, because they will find a way to screw it up for you. I love being able to dictate the times that I will be at a club seeing music.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:35 AM on January 6

I love going to shows alone. I think you perceive the music differently when you have friends around you (which is definitely fun too, but I think there's something more "pure" about hearing music when you're on your own). I don't feel like a dork, I feel like a music connoisseur. And, also, like a little bit of a dork. But that's okay.

So, yeah, like everyone's saying, just go and accept that it's a different experience than going with a bunch of friends and enjoy!

Or, if you're in the New York area, drop me a line and we can go alone together!
posted by SampleSize at 7:53 AM on January 6

I'm all "HEY, I FOUND A PLACE THAT HAS A PRESERVED CLOWN CORPSE in a CASE!!!"

Oh god, I wish you lived in New York.

I enjoy eating out alone and sometimes going to bars alone. I'm married, but the mister is a little introverted, and I need the buzz of people around me sometimes. I take a crossword puzzle so I don't have to stare into space. Sometimes I meet cool folks, other times I just enjoy people-watching.

Go! Have a great time!
posted by Evangeline at 8:54 AM on January 6

You are not a loser dork with no friends. You are a self-assured and enigmatic music nerd.

/me too
posted by desuetude at 8:59 AM on January 6

Bring a camera, if those are allowed at the show. Play indie rock photographer.

This is exactly what I do. If I need to psyche myself up to go to a show by myself I just invent some sort of secret squirrel alter ego reason for being there (or visiting grandparents or whatever) and then run that weird little story in my head all night long when I'm not enjoying the music or having a beer and it amuses me. Really no one cares about you or what you're doing and sometimes you can rescue someone else who is stuck in this situation by saying hi at the bar or whatever. Once you've done it a few times it gets a lot easier.
posted by jessamyn at 9:00 AM on January 6

Personally, I knit, but that might call more attention to you than you'd like.

Seriously, though, it might take a little ego bruising to realize this, but nobody around you at a concert cares about you. Not even a tiny little bit. The chances that anyone there will notice you, realize that they haven't seen anyone standing slightly closer to you than everyone else, and thus conclude that you're a loser who is there alone and not someone whose date has gone to the bar for another round is miniscule. Any noticing you do of people at concerts that contradicts this is probably just because you're alone so you have time to notice things. Ironic, isn't it?

Also, on the grand scale of lame, someone who stays home because they're not confident enough to appear in public alone is a lot lamer than someone who says 'Fuck it, I like this band, I'm going.'
posted by jacquilynne at 9:02 AM on January 6

Former Austinite here, and I used to go to shows alone a lot. (I got a crazy fangirl addiction to a couple of local bands, and I wanted to go see them four or five nights a week. Even my coolest friends had to put their hands up eventually and say, "Some sleep this week would be nice.") At first, I felt very strange about it, but I used some tricks to get through it till I didn't care anymore, i.e. "fake it till you make it."

(I'm assuming you mean you'll mostly be at shows in the Austin area, based on your profile.)

Austin is a very friendly town for a girl to go to shows alone, in my experience -- but I know this might be tied to the type of music I was listening to and the venues I was visiting: Americana and your standard Austin jam bands, at Saxon Pub, Ego's, Momo's, Red-Eyed Fly, the now-defunct Lucy's, Antone's, Iron Cactus, Broken Spoke, Stubb's, et al. If you're into death metal or cumbia or some other genre, YMMV.

Definitely look for the fan base, like essexjan suggested; every band big and small seems to have a web forum or mailing list these days. Also, look for the regulars and support people at the shows, and get to know them. Easy ways to do that: if the band is small enough, offer to help the girls passing the tip jars... if the band is big enough, talk to the merchandise guy, bring him a beer occasionally while he's stuck at the merch booth, offer to help him with the mailing list (he'll say no but he'll remember you and be appreciative). These are the folks who know everyone at every show and will introduce you around; this is the slow but direct path to having a built-in group of pals and acquaintances at every show, whether or not you go alone.

In my opinion, if you bring a book to read or notebook to write in during set breaks, only the most diehard flirters will talk to you, because it's interrupting your clear solitude message. (You know how getting on an airplane and immediately opening a paperback tells your seatmate, "Don't talk to me, ever"? I think it's the same.) So, if you don't want anyone to talk to you, that's the technique.

But if you do want to meet people, without that weird standing-around-awkwardly-alone part, you can always, always read the Chronicle; bonus is that most bars have a stack of them lying around already, so you don't have to carry it around with you. Also, back then this wasn't an option, but if it were now and the bar didn't have Chronicles around, I'd browse the internet, or send texts/emails on my phone.

Another thing I used to do was talk to, and sometimes befriend, the bartenders / waitresses / bouncers. If the venue is a regular gig for the band, they know the music and the people. A couple of very good tips (in the case of the servers) will cement you in their memories and they'll always be friendly and keep an eye out for you.

And, other people who are at the shows alone will often camp out at the bar, for the same reasons we've been talking about here -- it's a place to sit and not be obviously awkwardly alone, while still hearing the music and have people to chat with. So, if you get there early enough, grab a barstool.

And, lots of clubs have those electronic game machines at the bar, so if the situation was totally bleak, I'd drop a few quarters in there and play blackjack or picture hunt or something else to while some time between sets. The staff in a place with a video game will always play it and be competitive, and usually some of the regulars too, so that was usually good for some entertainment / interaction.
posted by pineapple at 9:13 AM on January 6

This always happens to me. Sometimes I'll treat friends to tickets to get them to come, but often going alone is nicer. For one, you don't have to worry about your friends not liking it or wanting to talk to you when the concert is happening. For another, a lone person has a better chance on getting a good view.

I do sometimes feel lonely and I've skipped shows because of it...but I regret that now. These days I just pretend I'm waiting for someone, which is not really pretending I guess...I'm waiting to meet someone who actually likes the same music I do.
posted by melissam at 9:16 AM on January 6

Shows at bars or clubs are totally fine. I'm a girl and I've never felt odd doing that. Frequently I run into someone I know and it's never weird that I was there alone (usually they were alone too!)

But I did go to a show recently that had assigned seats. Mine ended up in the middle of a very long row such that I was squished in between two sets of friends. That was a little awkward, so I decided to go get a beer to relax. When I brought it back (of course everyone being annoyed again that they had to let me by), I spilled it on the head of the person in front of me. Then I panicked and sat down -- in someone else's seat (his girlfriend immediately complained at me). I got the hell out of there and sat in the upper balcony by myself surrounded by empty seats. Also the show sucked.

Moral of the story: don't be a clumsy dork, and/or general admission shows only.
posted by nev at 9:35 AM on January 6

I have a drink and people-watch inconspiculously. Sometmes I'll chat with people around me, but it's not a big deal if I don't. And as for what people probably think of me, I assume in the vast majority of instances they have no thought about me whatsoever ... And in the rare case someone does have a thought about me being there on my own, I assume they are thinking something along the lines of "wow, look at that cool woman who's confident enough to go check out a band by herself."

What she said, absolutely. People who can only go to shows if they're in a group are lame and insecure. People who go to shows alone are cool and interesting.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:39 AM on January 6

I'm always more embarrassed of my dorky friends when I do go out with them so it's never an issue.

When I moved to a different town to take a job the way I first found a social circle was by signing up to a message board that centered on local indie rock and live music, you'll always see familiar faces that way and they pretty easily turn into friends, if that's what you're looking for. Otherwise once people get used to seeing you then they just perceive it as perfectly normal.
posted by Space Coyote at 9:43 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

People who go to shows alone are cool and interesting.

Speaking as someone who went alone to a ludwig_van (and band) gig, sometimes you go alone and the band sits with you!
posted by jessamyn at 10:07 AM on January 6

In Texas, you sit with band.
In Soviet Vermont, band sits with you!
posted by grouse at 10:12 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

I feel kind of awkward and self-conscious in these sorts of situations too, and I can understand why it makes you nervous. For me, it's less that I worry that people will think I'm a loser if I'm by myself (really, WTF?), but that I get sort of bored and nervous, all "what do I do with my hands?!" and "what to look at?!" in-between sets.

First, everyone is right, no one cares that much about you and won't really notice -- except for guys who are looking to chat you up. Second, I highly recommend getting on the message boards of some of the bands you are interested in. Recently I traveled alone to see my favorite band in a town I'd never been to, knowing no one there, only knowing that at the concert I would see several people from a message board I'd never met in real life and had only ever spoken to very briefly if at all, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. Knowing that there would be people I "knew" there to meet me made the trip manageable for me, and I had a wonderful, wonderful time with my new friends. It definitely makes the experience less intimidating, and it's very comforting to know that there will be someone to talk to there if you want to -- not to mention a great opportunity for making new friends that are into the bands you like. I don't like the book idea, because it sends a very clear Get Away vibe and isolates you even more -- if you feel awkward alone, it's not going to make the situation any better if you deliberately put yourself in a bubble. Take the opportunity to strike up conversation -- people are surprisingly more receptive to friendly chat than you'd think, particularly when they are all in a good, open mood thanks to the joyful high of getting ready to hear a band they love. Mr. Tigerbelly doesn't like to be at the front of the crowd, and as a result I often find myself solo even when I come as part of a pair. I've had many friendly conversations with complete strangers at shows, and once I started making a real effort to get past my shyness and anxiety and just start talking, it's been a very different and much more fun (and less nervous) experience.

And not to be all Suzy Drunkenpants, but a little beer definitely helps. :)
posted by tigerbelly at 10:14 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

Hi hi!

I just moved to Austin, and there are tons of shows I want to go to, too, so I'm facing the same problem. If I can't find people, I'm for sure planning to go alone. I've done it before, and like everyone else said, it's not as awkward as you'd think.

But anyway, we share similar tastes in music, so if there's an upcoming show you want to go to, let me know and maybe we can go together.
posted by theRussian at 10:16 AM on January 6

Just go. I still worry about being the lonely dork as well, but I'm not about to let that get between me and a band I'd like to see. I bring my bookbag with me wherever I go, so I tend to have a sketchpad, book, and camera on hand. If I see any interesting-looking zines or an unread alt-weekly I'll pick those up on my way in. If I see anything worth photographing or sketching, I might do that; otherwise, I'll pick up something from the bar and people-watch. If you're comfortable talking with strangers, the merch table between or after sets can be a good place to strike up conversations - with whoever's stuck at the merch table, with other people checking out albums, etc. Furthermore, if you attend a bunch of shows in a given genre, you'll start recognizing people, and they'll start approaching you.

The first time it's hard. But it gets easier, you'll get more confident, and you'll get to see a lot of awesome music that you'd otherwise miss. What's not to love?!
posted by ubersturm at 10:22 AM on January 6

When I was going through my divorce, I started going out alone all the time. The way I get through it is I chant a mantra in my head (for me, it's "I AM THE PRETTIEST GIRL IN THE ROOM"... dorky, I know, and I never really AM that girl, but it gives me the confidence to put one foot in front of the other and look somewhere besides the floor). Then, I make friends with the bartender. It's good to become friendly with someone who works there in case a dude starts harassing you (not trying to scare you; it's just a practical thing, really). After 2-3 drinks, I'm into the music, dancing, don't give a crap that I'm alone. I typically end up running into someone I know I haven't seen in years; even if I don't, I'm there for the music.

I make sure to check out EVERYTHING when I'm out; free publications, flyers, outside area if there is one, you know, just really know my surroundings. I get a good feel for the place. If I see someone interesting, I might talk to that person; I'm not super-shy, and you will have at least one thing in common with everyone else; the music.

I often wander off by myself at large music festivals, too, sometimes for a whole day. I'm guaranteed to know nobody there if it's another city; I just like the feeling of independence and autonomy without being tethered to a schedule or crowd. It's very empowering.

Make sure to stop drinking no later than 12:30 if you are driving; being worried about driving home tipsy is a real mood-killer, at least for me. On the plus side, if the band/dj sucks, you can leave whenever you want to because you're not with a friend who insists on staying until after the bar closes.

After a few months of going out alone, I found I preferred it. I could bar-hop or party-hop as much as I wanted, on my schedule, and it made me really happy and confident in a way I'd never been as part of a group or couple. I made lots of new friends, which eventually became my new running buddies for those types of shows/outings. Hope your experience works out as well as mine did!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:43 AM on January 6 [1 favorite]

The first few times I went to a club alone I felt dorky, too, but then one day I mentioned this to a co-worker/friend of mine and he said, "Hell, the workers there don't care if you're alone, as long as you pay your cover charge and buy a couple of drinks. The band doesn't care if you're alone, they want as many people in the audience as possible." And he was right. I was pretty much the only one who was self-conscious about my solo status. I eventually met a couple of guys who were also alone, and we often met up at future shows when that same band played. No romance involved, just some fan camraderie.

Nthing bringing a book or a section of newspaper, even if it's just the crossword puzzle, to keep you occupied between bands. (Something compact that you can squish into your purse or pocket.) Although at some clubs I've noticed that simply waiting in line for the ladies' room will fill in plenty of time between sets.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:47 AM on January 6

I do this all the time. At this point, due to the lameness divergent interests of my friends, 75% of shows I go to alone, maybe.

1. Practice practice practice. Go to shows and keep going to shows. You'll figure out what works for you and what doesn't.

2. I can't stand standing around alone for too long with nothing to do, so I make sure to miss at least one opening band.

3. Take up smoking! Bumming cigarettes from people or having them bummed from you are great ways to meet people. (Note: I do not suggest this. Do not do this.)

I think the biggest thing that made me more comfortable going to shows alone was realizing that I'd miss out on some killer shows and that however lame I feel being alone at a show, I'd feel lamer still having missed the rock.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:35 AM on January 6

I go to shows alone a lot - I tend to call ahead and find out what time the main band is on and pitch up in time for that. It cuts down the 'standing around nursing a beer' time.
posted by poissonrouge at 12:28 PM on January 6

I posted in the other thread linked above too. I am a small young girl and I hate going to shows with people. So much coordination! So much hassle! And then of course they'll try to say something and I won't be able to hear them and it harshes my dancing buzz, and then it'll turn out they thought the band sucked and I'll feel guilty the whole drive home. What a pain!

In college I went to the same place all the time (mostly because it was on campus so I didn't have to drive home) and I came to know a bunch of the people who were also regulars there, including one of my professors and a couple of the bartenders. It was great! That meant I got free beer shots if I went out to the bar during a downtime, and people who I never saw outside the pub would say hi...basically I totally missed out not going to these things by myself sooner.

I can't even count how many bands I've seen by myself but I would say almost definitely a larger number than I've seen with other people.
posted by crinklebat at 12:39 PM on January 6

I go to shows alone fairly often and I usually take a magazine (heavy on the pictures) or play games/surf the internet/text message on my phone.

As some of the above commenters noted, you'll start to see the same people over and over and find people to talk to. I've got shows now that I look forward to, not for the music, but for the people I'll see there. Eventually, I also got to know members of the bands I was seeing on a regular basis and that gave me more people to talk to as well.

(Count me in among the people who met their SO from going to shows alone.)
posted by whatideserve at 1:37 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]

I used to always go to clubs alone to see bands, out of choice. There are a whole bunch of pluses for doing this, many covered already by xo, SampleSize, and others.

You never have to worry if anyone else is having a good time/likes the music/thinks the band is lame/has to pee. You won't have to try and scream above the din or make small talk when you'd rather just lose yourself in the experience. Best of all, after the show, you can convince yourself it was either the most fantastic or most pathetic show you've ever seen, without the probability of a divergent opinion from someone else who was there standing next to you intruding on your finely-honed script.

Just view yourself as adventurous and self motivated rather than dorky.
posted by stagewhisper at 2:30 PM on January 6

This is my stock answer: take up playing pool. It doesn't matter if you're not very good. People won't mind beating you, or teaming you up with someone else in a doubles match.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 2:58 PM on January 6

Just wear a camera with a long lens around your neck. Everyone assumes you're a journalist or artist, and then it suddenly is expected that you are alone. Then ask people if you can take their picture for your "rag". They'll talk to you, and you are no longer alone.
posted by markovich at 8:16 PM on January 6

It's a great way to meet friends--if you go to the same band's concerts over and over, you'll start to meet fellow fans and there's a good chance you'll meet the band, depending on the size of the venues, etc. They can introduce you to more people who like the same music, giving you people to attend shows with, etc.

This is one of the primary ways my boyfriend met new people when he moved to New York City. If we go to Arlene's Grocery, chances are we'll see someone he knows and likes. Isn't that a nice thing in a big (or small) city?

If you commonly have thoughts like "everyone will laugh at me, so I can't do x thing" I would consider talking to a behavioral therapist. Yes, social fears are common fears, we are a social species, after all. That doesn't mean you can't take action to reduce those fears, if you really want to. Think of it like obedience class for a certain part of your psyche that needs a firm hand and a bit of correction.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:00 AM on January 7

Find a music blog based in Austin and email them saying you'd like to meet them at some show they're bound to be at. As a (former) blogger myself, people used to email me all the time when they were going solo and I was always happy to party with them. Almost always we became friends thereafter.
posted by yeti at 7:10 AM on January 7

Try putting in some earplugs, getting to the show early, and plunking yourself in front of the stage. You'll probably find a crowd of solo, swaying music nerds who could not care less about anything not happening on stage. And if you go to shows semi-frequently, you'll end up seeing the same music nerds over and over again. Chat them up. Before you know it, you'll have folks to greet at any concert. After a while, even when your friends do accompany you to a show, you may end up wandering off to enjoy the music on your own. (This was me at the M.I.A. concert here at First Ave in Minneapolis back in November.)
posted by grrarrgh00 at 12:56 PM on January 7

As someone who used to do this all the goddamned time (and even made a job out of it), the advice upthread is all pretty solid—in that "Do it!" is pretty much it.

Some hints for making it through a schedule of five lone nights a week:

—Make friends with the bouncers and tenders, especially if you can get a seat at the bar. They'll be there night after night, and so will you.

—Drink. Shows are at bars for a reason. Depending on what band I was there to see (and whether I was gonna have to write about it that night), I tried to stay sober longer or shorter, but at least nurse a beer or two through the sets. It's a relaxation thing, and it allows you to have something to do with your hands.

—Take notes. Even before I got paid, I took notes like a motherfucker. When I go to see shows with people, I still take notes like a motherfucker, and tend to prefer that to chatting. Probably because I'm at least half-deaf and that deafness seems to be all about conversations at bars.

—See if you can meet someone before or after. Honestly, for me, the worst part of solo showgoing wasn't the show, it was the transit before and after, where I like to be able to talk to someone (more important in a drive than in a pub-trans ride).
posted by klangklangston at 1:57 PM on January 7

Wow - I'm glad I posted this. There are a lot of great answers, and if my mefi mail is any indicator, a lot of other people are getting good stuff out of this thread, too.

Thinking back on my show-going life, I'm thinking about times when I should have gone out alone instead of asking along friends who aren't as in love with music as I am, and how I probably would have enjoyed the show more all by myself.

And mostly, I'm kicking myself for a night in 1999 or so when I went out with a few friends to see their brother's boyfriend's band. They were okay, but the guy who came on afterwards blew me away. But after two songs, everyone else wanted to go out dancing. Instead of staying by myself to see one of Ted Leo's early shows with the Pharmacists, I went to some crappy dance club and spent the rest of the night getting hit on by drunken lawyers.

Never again! Rock on, girls.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 6:06 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

Not sure if you're still reading it, so thought I'd send a mail, too.

The first concert I ever went to was to see the Smashing Pumpkins in 1995, and I went by myself. I had a great time. Once the crowd starts rushing the stage and the music starts blasting, it doesn't really matter if anyone else is around anyway.

I don't really go to rock shows any more, I tend to go to dance clubs, maybe about half the time with other people and half the time by myself. I go to the same four or five clubs all the time and have made friends there, so pretty much any club I go to, chances are, I'll bump into some of the regulars. I think if you make a habit of going to any kind of club by yourself, eventually you'll meet other people who are there all the time.

The advantage of making friends with club regulars and/or employees is that there's a VERY good chance that some of those people know people who know people who know people, and you can eventually get backstage passes, free drinks, guest list, etc. After a couple of years going to one particular club (usually just meeting up with whoever there), I got to know a lot of the local club promoters and started to get free tickets and VIP passes to everything I wanted to go to.

Most clubs have messageboards. If you find a place that you like, set up an account and start a thread like "Hey, I'm new, does anyone want to meet up with me?" I made a lot of long term friends at netmeets like that. If the club doesn't have a messageboard, the band probably does, or at least a myspace page.
posted by empath at 1:26 PM on January 18

I'm emailing this in case you're not checking the thread anymore.

I go to shows alone now and then. If it's a band I know well, sometimes I bring a notebook and record the set list & anything especially amusing or unusual that the musicians or audience members do. Keeps me happily occupied and preserves the experience for later. Fringe benefit: sometimes people assume I'm a critic or reporter & strike up a conversation with me. I don't misrepresent myself; I just say I'm taking notes for my own amusement, or for a friend who couldn't make it. But by then contact has been made & some nice social encounters have come of it.
posted by Superfrankenstein at 7:33 AM on January 21