First date went well, what to do until second date?
November 27, 2007 6:07 PM Subscribe
I'm a 40-ish guy who just had his first date in a long time. It was with the woman who is Beatrice to my Dante, and I think the date went well. She said we could get together again in the future. What now?
I recently contacted a girl I knew from high school 25 years ago. She was never my girlfriend, but she was special to me, and has been special to me all these years. We were friends her senior year, and she asked me to her prom. But I never gave her an answer (I was broke, no $$$), and she ended up going to her prom with someone else. I saw her that summer and explained things to her, and asked her out, but she said that she had a boyfriend. I never saw her after that until this year.
I've dated sporadically in the meantime (I'm never married), but no one has ever compared to her. She was one of the first people I looked for on Google, Classmates, etc., but I didn't find her until a couple of months ago. So I sent her an email. She responded to me, said it was a nice surprise to hear from me, and suggested we could get together for drinks the next time I was in our hometown visiting.
We got together recently at a bar near her place of work in our hometown. Even if it wasn't a first date per se, I treated it as such. I got grooming and conversation advice from female friends, bought some new clothes, even got a haircut and a manicure. We met at the bar, and the conversation went well. There was lots of eye contact, and she played with her hair a lot. She's 40-ish and never married also. She could only stay an hour because she had to go back to work, but before she left she said we could get together again. We hugged, but no kiss. I followed up with an email thanking her, and she responded saying it was nice to catch up. I called her to tell her we should stay in touch, and that I would let her know when my next visit home would be. I won't be able to visit my hometown again until January, so ideally I'd like to get together with her again then.
My question is what should I do until January? My friends seem to be in two camps. My male friends say I should adopt "the attitude" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, act like I don't care, and don't attempt to maintain any contact with her until I visit home in January. My female friends say that I should send a Christmas card, and stay in touch via email until I get a chance to visit home.
I have the dating skills of a turnip, so MeFites, what do you think I should do?
I recently contacted a girl I knew from high school 25 years ago. She was never my girlfriend, but she was special to me, and has been special to me all these years. We were friends her senior year, and she asked me to her prom. But I never gave her an answer (I was broke, no $$$), and she ended up going to her prom with someone else. I saw her that summer and explained things to her, and asked her out, but she said that she had a boyfriend. I never saw her after that until this year.
I've dated sporadically in the meantime (I'm never married), but no one has ever compared to her. She was one of the first people I looked for on Google, Classmates, etc., but I didn't find her until a couple of months ago. So I sent her an email. She responded to me, said it was a nice surprise to hear from me, and suggested we could get together for drinks the next time I was in our hometown visiting.
We got together recently at a bar near her place of work in our hometown. Even if it wasn't a first date per se, I treated it as such. I got grooming and conversation advice from female friends, bought some new clothes, even got a haircut and a manicure. We met at the bar, and the conversation went well. There was lots of eye contact, and she played with her hair a lot. She's 40-ish and never married also. She could only stay an hour because she had to go back to work, but before she left she said we could get together again. We hugged, but no kiss. I followed up with an email thanking her, and she responded saying it was nice to catch up. I called her to tell her we should stay in touch, and that I would let her know when my next visit home would be. I won't be able to visit my hometown again until January, so ideally I'd like to get together with her again then.
My question is what should I do until January? My friends seem to be in two camps. My male friends say I should adopt "the attitude" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, act like I don't care, and don't attempt to maintain any contact with her until I visit home in January. My female friends say that I should send a Christmas card, and stay in touch via email until I get a chance to visit home.
I have the dating skills of a turnip, so MeFites, what do you think I should do?
Congrats on a nice reconnection! It sounds like you both had a really wonderful time. I would send her some nice flowers around Christmas with a card saying that you look forward to seeing her in January.
Then about a week ahead of time, give her a call or email letting her know what your plans will be when you will be in town. Perhaps offer up dinner and a movie - or even more sweet and romantic - dinner and a nice, hand holding walk in the snow (if it snows wherever you'll be?).
Kudos to you for tracking down the girl of your dreams. I wish you both the best. Keep us posted! :)
posted by dancinglamb at 6:24 PM on November 27, 2007
Then about a week ahead of time, give her a call or email letting her know what your plans will be when you will be in town. Perhaps offer up dinner and a movie - or even more sweet and romantic - dinner and a nice, hand holding walk in the snow (if it snows wherever you'll be?).
Kudos to you for tracking down the girl of your dreams. I wish you both the best. Keep us posted! :)
posted by dancinglamb at 6:24 PM on November 27, 2007
I just have to add that it's really so nice to hear stories like yours. I *really* hope it works out for you and your girl.
posted by dancinglamb at 6:26 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by dancinglamb at 6:26 PM on November 27, 2007
Response by poster: The "attitude" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High worked in high school. You guys are grown adults now. You don't have to play those games and she may very well not tolerate them. Keep in contact with her, send her a nice, not-too-mushy card.
posted by Anonymous at 6:26 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 6:26 PM on November 27, 2007
always listen to the women. :)
there's no need to go overboard--this is not the time for flowers or long, confessional letters. once you have your travel dates firmed up, drop her a line to let her know when you'll be in town, and let her know you'd really like to get together again.
also, it being the holidays, it is easy as pie to ask her what her holiday plans are and how her family is. that should be good for at least a couple of exchanges. you're not trying to evangelize her, you're just getting to know her again, so take it easy. you can let a week or so pass unless you have some crazy mind-meld and start gushing at each other (cute! but unlikely after age 22). then it'll be time to talk about new year's, which will be good for another couple of exchanges. then it'll be january, and time for your date!
and when in doubt, man, those womenfriends will never steer you wrong.
good luck! what a sweet story.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:28 PM on November 27, 2007
there's no need to go overboard--this is not the time for flowers or long, confessional letters. once you have your travel dates firmed up, drop her a line to let her know when you'll be in town, and let her know you'd really like to get together again.
also, it being the holidays, it is easy as pie to ask her what her holiday plans are and how her family is. that should be good for at least a couple of exchanges. you're not trying to evangelize her, you're just getting to know her again, so take it easy. you can let a week or so pass unless you have some crazy mind-meld and start gushing at each other (cute! but unlikely after age 22). then it'll be time to talk about new year's, which will be good for another couple of exchanges. then it'll be january, and time for your date!
and when in doubt, man, those womenfriends will never steer you wrong.
good luck! what a sweet story.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:28 PM on November 27, 2007
She's a little old for the attitude. People at that age have things together and if they don't and play games it is a big red flag, let me tell you.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:33 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 6:33 PM on November 27, 2007
These male friends, do they have the kind of relationships you want to emulate? No??? I'm just shocked. Listen to your female friends, because they happen to be right.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:34 PM on November 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:34 PM on November 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Other Mefites can confirm this, but I've read that "playing with one's hair" is thought to be an indicator of unconscious attraction to a potential mate.
Your post is full of sweet, honest, romantic sentiment. Maintain that sentiment in your interactions with her, and you'll come up a winner.
posted by Gordion Knott at 6:47 PM on November 27, 2007
Your post is full of sweet, honest, romantic sentiment. Maintain that sentiment in your interactions with her, and you'll come up a winner.
posted by Gordion Knott at 6:47 PM on November 27, 2007
Remember what actually happened to Damone in Fast Times? You don't want that to happen to you.
I would say to keep in friendly contact, but don't go overboard. Overboard gets freaky. Do not mention to her that you are soulmates, for example.
For me, sending flowers would be overboard, but maybe someone used to getting flowers wouldn't see it that way. I would send something more casual, like YouTube links. I suggest that you begin with a video of a lamb jumping on someone's bed. Everyone likes lambs!
posted by lemuria at 6:50 PM on November 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
I would say to keep in friendly contact, but don't go overboard. Overboard gets freaky. Do not mention to her that you are soulmates, for example.
For me, sending flowers would be overboard, but maybe someone used to getting flowers wouldn't see it that way. I would send something more casual, like YouTube links. I suggest that you begin with a video of a lamb jumping on someone's bed. Everyone likes lambs!
posted by lemuria at 6:50 PM on November 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Wow, you have totally lucked out - not just with the woman, but with the time of year. So many occasions for friendly, casual contact!
I'd drop her an email over the weekend along the lines of "Hi Jane - Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving holiday in Hometown" etc, just to keep the connection current. Consider sending a pointsetta (which isn't the same as flowers) just before Christmas. Send a New Years card. By then it will be January and time to meet again :)
But really, you need continuity of contact. Now to January is too long to not be in touch. I sort of picture it like paving stones - you need to spread out three or four to move you forward from here to date #2, or else things get muddy.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:53 PM on November 27, 2007
I'd drop her an email over the weekend along the lines of "Hi Jane - Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving holiday in Hometown" etc, just to keep the connection current. Consider sending a pointsetta (which isn't the same as flowers) just before Christmas. Send a New Years card. By then it will be January and time to meet again :)
But really, you need continuity of contact. Now to January is too long to not be in touch. I sort of picture it like paving stones - you need to spread out three or four to move you forward from here to date #2, or else things get muddy.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:53 PM on November 27, 2007
Look, if she sat behind you in homeroom it'd be best not to gush. Here and now, please don't even consider emulating Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I'm not sure what you'd consider lower than a turnip in the dating skill scale, but whatever that particular root vegetable is, that's what your male friends are. (Perhaps yuca, since they're poisonous raw but safe, if bland, after ground and soaked in water? Too much food-geekery...nevermind.)
It was with the woman who is Beatrice to my Dante
One caveat, though. You sound thoughtful, romantic, and sincere. I know that the above is just a cute comment in an anonymous AskMe, but please be careful with the "up on a pedestal" comparisons. Hey, you're already getting your Hollywood ending -- you had a great date with the girl that you loved in high school and she wants to see you again!
Seconding DarlingBri that the holidays give you several opportunities to be awesomely sweet and continue that good impression you made. Good luck.
posted by desuetude at 7:29 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
It was with the woman who is Beatrice to my Dante
One caveat, though. You sound thoughtful, romantic, and sincere. I know that the above is just a cute comment in an anonymous AskMe, but please be careful with the "up on a pedestal" comparisons. Hey, you're already getting your Hollywood ending -- you had a great date with the girl that you loved in high school and she wants to see you again!
Seconding DarlingBri that the holidays give you several opportunities to be awesomely sweet and continue that good impression you made. Good luck.
posted by desuetude at 7:29 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Drop her a friendly note telling her about something you did or noticed that made you think of her.
Super bonus points for an dead tree paper letter in your actual handwriting containing a random quirky little gift or a mix CD.
This, at least, is how one made with the long distance romance, back in my youth when the earth was still cooling.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:43 PM on November 27, 2007
Super bonus points for an dead tree paper letter in your actual handwriting containing a random quirky little gift or a mix CD.
This, at least, is how one made with the long distance romance, back in my youth when the earth was still cooling.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:43 PM on November 27, 2007
My male friends say I should adopt "the attitude" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, act like I don't care, and don't attempt to maintain any contact with her until I visit home in January.
You are in your 40s, and you're asking this question? Wow. Not only should you ignore your male friends and follow your female friends' advice, but also you should try going on some 'starter dates' - meet some people online, match.com, pick someone up in a bar, whatever - just so you can find out what works and what doesn't work for you on a date.
Definitely don't just drop her until January. Make sure she knows you're thinking about her, but don't push it - let things happen naturally. Sounds like at this point you're 90% there and what you want to do now is not be creepy/obsessive/macho/bizarre and blow it.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:46 PM on November 27, 2007
You are in your 40s, and you're asking this question? Wow. Not only should you ignore your male friends and follow your female friends' advice, but also you should try going on some 'starter dates' - meet some people online, match.com, pick someone up in a bar, whatever - just so you can find out what works and what doesn't work for you on a date.
Definitely don't just drop her until January. Make sure she knows you're thinking about her, but don't push it - let things happen naturally. Sounds like at this point you're 90% there and what you want to do now is not be creepy/obsessive/macho/bizarre and blow it.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:46 PM on November 27, 2007
Anon, I'm going to be the hopeful, yet realistic, voice of reason here. Let me show you what I'm seeing (and I hope it comes across as gently as I intend it, because I'm not trying to just come in and kill your dream. I just want you to look at this another way.):
Although you treated it like one, it wasn't a date, by your own reluctant admission. You have called it a date in this post frequently -- but hoping doesn't make it something it wasn't. We have no indicator that your friend thought this was a date.
You spent an hour in a bar. With 25 years of backstory to tick through in that hour, you two could barely have even started to figure out who the other person has become, who you are as adults -- as opposed to the idealized teens you remember. And, by your own admission, even as teens you weren't romantically connected as a couple, just platonic friends.
It is common for people who are meeting strangers for the first time or reconnecting with people from the past to build a get-out scenario into the meeting. "I can only stay an hour"... planning for lunch which comes with an automatic end-time... arranging for a coworker to call with an "urgent need", and so on. Your friend had a get-out option... and she used it. Maybe, just maybe, the only window of time on the only day she could get free during your visit, was that one hour. Or maybe she intentionally engineered a short meeting.
Other than your perception of her body language, I don't see any concrete indicators that she's interested romantically. You continue to initiate the emails and calls... there was no physical contact other than the hug... and so on. She is willing to "get together" to "catch up," but anyone would use those noncommittal words.
Maybe she is romantically interested but is just a very traditional person who waits for the man to make every single first move; there's no way to know.
But based on what you've said here, what I see is a very, very optimistic and romantic take -- on two old high school chums meeting to catch up over a beer. In fact, I didn't read anything in your report that couldn't have happened between two former football buddies. I certainly didn't get the impression of the "Same Old Lang Syne" connection that others here have.
My answer to the question "what should you do till January" is two-fold.
1. Recalibrate your thinking about this woman. Right now, all you really know is that you looked up an old friend online and made contact, you are romantically interested in her, and she's willing to spend time with you again at some point in the future. You have no idea what the nature of that time might be -- it doesn't even sound like January is set in stone. I believe you are setting yourself up for disappointment and sadness if you continue to pretend that you are preparing for the second date, when you haven't actually had a first one yet.
2. Mail her a holiday card, and include a very clear message. "When I'm in Hometown the weekend of January 12, can I take you to dinner?" Without question, that is "I am inviting you out on a date" language. If she is romantically interested, she will call or email you and accept. If she is not, you will receive a decline, or you will receive nothing at all. Then you will know what's really happening.
I read your post and just can feel the sweet, poignant hope welling -- for this girl, your "first love," your "lost love," the one that got away, the one that should have been... and your chance to have it again, after 25 years. This isn't just any old dating scenario: it could be the heartbreak to end all heartbreaks, if you don't proceed with optimism + pragmatic caution.
I am sorry if this sounds cynical; this is the exact same advice I would give a male relative or a dear friend. A MeFite certainly deserves the benefit of the doubt over the ability to handle the same.
posted by pineapple at 8:08 PM on November 27, 2007 [28 favorites]
Although you treated it like one, it wasn't a date, by your own reluctant admission. You have called it a date in this post frequently -- but hoping doesn't make it something it wasn't. We have no indicator that your friend thought this was a date.
You spent an hour in a bar. With 25 years of backstory to tick through in that hour, you two could barely have even started to figure out who the other person has become, who you are as adults -- as opposed to the idealized teens you remember. And, by your own admission, even as teens you weren't romantically connected as a couple, just platonic friends.
It is common for people who are meeting strangers for the first time or reconnecting with people from the past to build a get-out scenario into the meeting. "I can only stay an hour"... planning for lunch which comes with an automatic end-time... arranging for a coworker to call with an "urgent need", and so on. Your friend had a get-out option... and she used it. Maybe, just maybe, the only window of time on the only day she could get free during your visit, was that one hour. Or maybe she intentionally engineered a short meeting.
Other than your perception of her body language, I don't see any concrete indicators that she's interested romantically. You continue to initiate the emails and calls... there was no physical contact other than the hug... and so on. She is willing to "get together" to "catch up," but anyone would use those noncommittal words.
Maybe she is romantically interested but is just a very traditional person who waits for the man to make every single first move; there's no way to know.
But based on what you've said here, what I see is a very, very optimistic and romantic take -- on two old high school chums meeting to catch up over a beer. In fact, I didn't read anything in your report that couldn't have happened between two former football buddies. I certainly didn't get the impression of the "Same Old Lang Syne" connection that others here have.
My answer to the question "what should you do till January" is two-fold.
1. Recalibrate your thinking about this woman. Right now, all you really know is that you looked up an old friend online and made contact, you are romantically interested in her, and she's willing to spend time with you again at some point in the future. You have no idea what the nature of that time might be -- it doesn't even sound like January is set in stone. I believe you are setting yourself up for disappointment and sadness if you continue to pretend that you are preparing for the second date, when you haven't actually had a first one yet.
2. Mail her a holiday card, and include a very clear message. "When I'm in Hometown the weekend of January 12, can I take you to dinner?" Without question, that is "I am inviting you out on a date" language. If she is romantically interested, she will call or email you and accept. If she is not, you will receive a decline, or you will receive nothing at all. Then you will know what's really happening.
I read your post and just can feel the sweet, poignant hope welling -- for this girl, your "first love," your "lost love," the one that got away, the one that should have been... and your chance to have it again, after 25 years. This isn't just any old dating scenario: it could be the heartbreak to end all heartbreaks, if you don't proceed with optimism + pragmatic caution.
I am sorry if this sounds cynical; this is the exact same advice I would give a male relative or a dear friend. A MeFite certainly deserves the benefit of the doubt over the ability to handle the same.
posted by pineapple at 8:08 PM on November 27, 2007 [28 favorites]
From the context of your post, I'm afraid it sounds like you're obsessing a bit over this lady. Don't get me wrong--it's great that she's not running away, it's great that you got together after all this time, it's great that she's apparently open to future contact. But my advice would be to take it easy.
The cynic in me thinks, well of course she says it's OK to keep in touch--after all, you're old high-school acquaintances, and she's single (and thus can't use the "my husband/boyfriend is uncomfortable with us together" excuse). But is she really interested in pursuing a relationship, or is she just being polite?
Above all else, I would not attempt to try some Harlequin romantic stunt for the holidays. I wouldn't send a gift, I probably wouldn't even send a card. An email the day after Christmas is innocent enough. That way it doesn't come off as some creepy "Merry Christmas! I'm thinking of YOU!"--and more importantly, you can use it as a conversational springboard ("Hope you had a nice holiday... Do anything special? / Any nice gifts? / Etc.")
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:33 PM on November 27, 2007
The cynic in me thinks, well of course she says it's OK to keep in touch--after all, you're old high-school acquaintances, and she's single (and thus can't use the "my husband/boyfriend is uncomfortable with us together" excuse). But is she really interested in pursuing a relationship, or is she just being polite?
Above all else, I would not attempt to try some Harlequin romantic stunt for the holidays. I wouldn't send a gift, I probably wouldn't even send a card. An email the day after Christmas is innocent enough. That way it doesn't come off as some creepy "Merry Christmas! I'm thinking of YOU!"--and more importantly, you can use it as a conversational springboard ("Hope you had a nice holiday... Do anything special? / Any nice gifts? / Etc.")
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:33 PM on November 27, 2007
Like pineapple, I hate to be a downer but I want to caution against coming off as too desperate in this kind of situation. You should treat this with the same kind of optimism as any new dating prospect, but by the same token you should be prepared for the possibility that she won't end up wanting to pursue a relationship. There's not really any "secret plan" that will somehow win her over, so just be yourself and hope for the best.
If you do end up dating her, try to resist the urge to expect her to be exactly the same as the girl you knew 25 years ago. You've both grown as people since then, so any relationship that you have will be very different from the one you remember from high school.
If you don't end up dating her, don't consider it to be the end of the world. Even though I'm sure she's a great person, it seems unreasonable to assume that there was only one person in the world that you could be happy with. Keep an open mind try to make the most out of the opportunities you have.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:35 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you do end up dating her, try to resist the urge to expect her to be exactly the same as the girl you knew 25 years ago. You've both grown as people since then, so any relationship that you have will be very different from the one you remember from high school.
If you don't end up dating her, don't consider it to be the end of the world. Even though I'm sure she's a great person, it seems unreasonable to assume that there was only one person in the world that you could be happy with. Keep an open mind try to make the most out of the opportunities you have.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:35 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Listen to your male friends and it may be another 25 years before you get this chance again. I think it would be very nice to drop her an email, initiate a long phone conversation every once in a while. Use this time between now and January to get to know her. The build up will be nice and hopefully she'll be anticipating your next visit.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:38 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:38 PM on November 27, 2007
pineapple's advice is excellent. Please consider following it.
posted by Happydaz at 8:54 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by Happydaz at 8:54 PM on November 27, 2007
Incidentally, as a dating professional, I can tell you the relationships (and marriages, for that matter) that are the most solid and last the longest are those which are comprised of two people who loved each other when they were younger and the reason that things didn't work out was something incidental (school, distance, family issues) that eventually is no longer there once both have become mature, relationship-savvy adults.
(I manage a romance online magazine and we have covered this topic extensively.)
Romance her slowly but steadily now and she might just be yours for the rest of your life.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:06 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
(I manage a romance online magazine and we have covered this topic extensively.)
Romance her slowly but steadily now and she might just be yours for the rest of your life.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:06 PM on November 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you could place bets on the answers here, Pineapple is fast pulling away. You should follow Pineapple's advice, not get your hopes up all crazy like, and start dating real women. Not to be too harsh, but when you describe her, you sound like a little kid rather than someone getting their hopes up about a two decade old crush. The fact that you date sporadically and you see her as some lost perfection sends red flags up mighty fast.
What should you really do? Begin dating. There will be humility and awkwardness and you will probably often feel like you are wasting a night, but dating is like everything else and if you want to be in a real adult relationship, and not just score based on superficial obnoxious tricks or wile away your remaining years lonely, then you have to get back into practice. Even if something comes of this high school crush (don't get your hopes up), some "practice dates" will make any first real date all the better. And if one of your "practice dates" verges on becoming a real relationship, don't trade it back in for a old memories and precarious hopes.
posted by history is a weapon at 9:30 PM on November 27, 2007
What should you really do? Begin dating. There will be humility and awkwardness and you will probably often feel like you are wasting a night, but dating is like everything else and if you want to be in a real adult relationship, and not just score based on superficial obnoxious tricks or wile away your remaining years lonely, then you have to get back into practice. Even if something comes of this high school crush (don't get your hopes up), some "practice dates" will make any first real date all the better. And if one of your "practice dates" verges on becoming a real relationship, don't trade it back in for a old memories and precarious hopes.
posted by history is a weapon at 9:30 PM on November 27, 2007
I would hold back on the flowers/plants until you are 100% sure she wants to be involved with you. Emails and a holiday card are fine for now.
posted by brujita at 10:17 PM on November 27, 2007
posted by brujita at 10:17 PM on November 27, 2007
And if one of your "practice dates" verges on becoming a real relationship, don't trade it back in for [...] precarious hopes.
Quoted for emphasis. Where 'real relationship' means more of liking and wanting to be together, sharing interests, being comfortable around each other and feeling kindness and fondness and respect and excitement, and not necessarily so much of the trumpets-sound-and-roses-bloom-in-January kind of thing. Yes, there's a story behind my advice.
posted by eritain at 10:58 PM on November 27, 2007
Quoted for emphasis. Where 'real relationship' means more of liking and wanting to be together, sharing interests, being comfortable around each other and feeling kindness and fondness and respect and excitement, and not necessarily so much of the trumpets-sound-and-roses-bloom-in-January kind of thing. Yes, there's a story behind my advice.
posted by eritain at 10:58 PM on November 27, 2007
Use the phone Luke.
posted by sammyo at 4:07 AM on November 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 4:07 AM on November 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
pineapple has it. But goddamn, man, this post warmed my heart.
In the meantime:
You've made it 40ish years without this woman. You can certainly make it to January without letting your day-to-day get too deformed by anticipation. As with any other relationship, you should be sure you've girded yourself for the possibility that it won't work out (even as you devote part of yourself to ensuring that it does). Which is to say, take stock: are you happy overall? Are you making the most of your time to yourself? Are you going out enough, taking the positive energy that this dreamchasing has given you and sharing it with friends, loved ones, family, even strangers? Have you got a project or somesuch, through which you can transform this generative feeling into something that will still be around no matter how this tale turns out?
Stay in contact, man - keep your hopes reasonable and restrained - make the best of yourself, and roll the dice, but know that fate owes you nothing at all. You could win far more than just a steady date, here.
Also, a brief sidebar: the real Beatrice died at the age of 24. And in the poem our boy only gets to meet her in Heaven - he doesn't actually get the girl, he gets God, which to my mind is no consolation at all. I'd like to think she's the Leia to your Han, myself. You're frozen in carbonite until January (quite literally, if you live in Boston). The bounty hunter who unfreezes your ass might just be her. Let's hope so!
posted by waxbanks at 6:10 AM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
In the meantime:
You've made it 40ish years without this woman. You can certainly make it to January without letting your day-to-day get too deformed by anticipation. As with any other relationship, you should be sure you've girded yourself for the possibility that it won't work out (even as you devote part of yourself to ensuring that it does). Which is to say, take stock: are you happy overall? Are you making the most of your time to yourself? Are you going out enough, taking the positive energy that this dreamchasing has given you and sharing it with friends, loved ones, family, even strangers? Have you got a project or somesuch, through which you can transform this generative feeling into something that will still be around no matter how this tale turns out?
Stay in contact, man - keep your hopes reasonable and restrained - make the best of yourself, and roll the dice, but know that fate owes you nothing at all. You could win far more than just a steady date, here.
Also, a brief sidebar: the real Beatrice died at the age of 24. And in the poem our boy only gets to meet her in Heaven - he doesn't actually get the girl, he gets God, which to my mind is no consolation at all. I'd like to think she's the Leia to your Han, myself. You're frozen in carbonite until January (quite literally, if you live in Boston). The bounty hunter who unfreezes your ass might just be her. Let's hope so!
posted by waxbanks at 6:10 AM on November 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
Your male friends sound like idiots. Do you know anyone thats reaction to being ignored is, "shit, maybe this guy is really in to me,", because I don't. I would keep in touch. I wouldn't go overboard sending gifts or flowers. A nice Christmas card or something would work.
posted by chunking express at 6:35 AM on November 28, 2007
posted by chunking express at 6:35 AM on November 28, 2007
You know what? I just started dating an old college boyfriend again last month, after 20 years and it's amazing. It's awesome. It's incredible. And it would never have happened if he hadn't had the courage to pick up the phone and call me - regularly. He called me from out of the blue one evening (we don't live in the same town either, but 4.5 hours apart) despite the fact that we hadn't even spoken in over 10 years and then he called again a couple days later. And again. And again. And each time we talked longer and longer. Then he came to visit me and the rest is history.
So. While what pineapple says may be true, based on my own experience, I'd go with sammyo. YMMV, but if you're going to be so cautious - one email until January? A poinsettia? No contact? Good lord, are you planning on starting to date her before 2009? - you may lose out. And besides, you've already gone like 20 years without this girl. What do you have to lose? Call her, just to chat. Call her again. You'll know soon enough if there's really a connection there.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:22 AM on November 28, 2007
So. While what pineapple says may be true, based on my own experience, I'd go with sammyo. YMMV, but if you're going to be so cautious - one email until January? A poinsettia? No contact? Good lord, are you planning on starting to date her before 2009? - you may lose out. And besides, you've already gone like 20 years without this girl. What do you have to lose? Call her, just to chat. Call her again. You'll know soon enough if there's really a connection there.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:22 AM on November 28, 2007
I'd go with pineapple. There is a big spectrum between fast times at ridgemont high and sending flowers. From personal experience I think the hardest part of a situation like this is keeping yourself cool. Basically I think you need to keep your expectations low, both so that you don't flip yourself out and if things go ary you won't be totally destroyed. I speak from experience that way.
I'd email her and see how she responds. If it's a cool response, i.e. somewhat short, I wouldn't go pushing. Something like this might take a long time and I think patience and some cool would be helpful.
Then again I'm a doofus and don't know shit from shinola. But I think backing up a little, trying to lose some of the extra excitement, and just trying to get to know her would be the best things to do.
posted by sully75 at 7:48 AM on November 28, 2007
I'd email her and see how she responds. If it's a cool response, i.e. somewhat short, I wouldn't go pushing. Something like this might take a long time and I think patience and some cool would be helpful.
Then again I'm a doofus and don't know shit from shinola. But I think backing up a little, trying to lose some of the extra excitement, and just trying to get to know her would be the best things to do.
posted by sully75 at 7:48 AM on November 28, 2007
I suggest that you begin with a video of a lamb jumping on someone's bed. Everyone likes lambs!
do not do this.
i'm sure you weren't going to. But in case you were, please do not.
posted by mdn at 12:31 PM on November 28, 2007
do not do this.
i'm sure you weren't going to. But in case you were, please do not.
posted by mdn at 12:31 PM on November 28, 2007
Pineapple's post is probably the best advice I've ever read on RelationshipFilter. Pretty much along the lines of what I was going to advise, but much better written than anything I could have hoped for.
I'd really stress the "recalibrate your thinking" part. It's an awkward balance - retaining a sense of wonder & hope, whilst reminding yourself not to talk this up into something much bigger & more serious than you have rational cause for believing at the moment - but I don't think you're doing yourself or your prospects any favours by imagining the best of all possible outcomes based on events 25 years under the bridge, plus a one-hour date.
I wish you the best of luck, though. It would be a sweet story if it came true.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:22 PM on November 28, 2007
I'd really stress the "recalibrate your thinking" part. It's an awkward balance - retaining a sense of wonder & hope, whilst reminding yourself not to talk this up into something much bigger & more serious than you have rational cause for believing at the moment - but I don't think you're doing yourself or your prospects any favours by imagining the best of all possible outcomes based on events 25 years under the bridge, plus a one-hour date.
I wish you the best of luck, though. It would be a sweet story if it came true.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:22 PM on November 28, 2007
Anon, you've got 20 years on me, but your friends sound just as stupid as mine (ie they have some growing up to do). I know I'm late to the party, but I wanted to add that -- regardless of what happened or will happen with this woman -- hold on to your optimism and earnestness. I think it's a rare and admirable trait. Besides, cynicism is so unromantic.
and I can't believe that dancinglamb wasn't the one to suggest the youtube link!
posted by Chris4d at 9:55 PM on January 20, 2008
and I can't believe that dancinglamb wasn't the one to suggest the youtube link!
posted by Chris4d at 9:55 PM on January 20, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brain_drain at 6:15 PM on November 27, 2007