I should have made you leave your key.

November 19, 2007 3:32 PM

My roommate gives copies of our apartment keys to visiting guests. I'm uncomfortable with this but can't think of a good argument against the practice.

My roommate and I both host friends and relatives from out of town occasionally. When I host people, I either give them my keys or tell them when I will be home to let them in. My roommate, however, just copies the keys and gives them to the visitors so they can come and go as they please.

Most of the people who have received these keys are either mutual friends or members of her family, so I don't have problems trusting them. On the other hand, I just feel uneasy with numerous sets of keys to our apartment floating across the country. I don't know how many sets she's given out, but it's at least three.

Am I justified in wanting this to stop? Is there a reason she should discontinue this practice other than the vague sense of discomfort I have with it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Why not have the people give back the keys when the visit is over?
posted by konolia at 3:34 PM on November 19, 2007

I would feel the same way, because who knows what could happen to those keys? Also, I would feel like my own privacy was a little compromised, knowing anyone could ostensibly come to town and just let themselves in. All keys should be returned at the end of the visit, at the very least.

Also, your landlord may take exception to this practice.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 3:37 PM on November 19, 2007

That vague discomfort is your common sense telling you that its foolish to be giving keys out to people. There's absolutely nothing wrong with making sure they leave the key when they go home. I'd feel a little uncomfortable keeping a set of keys from friends when I visited them.
posted by fenriq at 3:42 PM on November 19, 2007

I don't think there's anything here to worry about given the vague details. These people are "either mutual friends or members of her family"? Do you have any reason to think they will just let themselves in? Or that they will burgle the place?

My housekeeper has keys. My ex-housekeeper has keys. The gardener has keys. A neighbor has keys (for emergencies) and at least one friend has keys - now that I think of it at least a couple friends who I made keys for and we just forgot to get them before they left.

Its not that big a deal to me. A key by itself, without an attached address, poses no danger to you. That is, say they lose the key on the street and someone finds it. Then what? (assuming they didnt write the address on it)
posted by vacapinta at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2007

What konolia said. Have one spare set of keys and get them back when the visitor leaves. (Of course, make sure there's nothing on the keys themselves or the ring to link them to your address. I know you know that, but it never hurts to emphasize.)

Yes, you are justified in wanting this to stop. Your "vague sense of discomfort" is enough reason to discontinue the practice.
posted by dogrose at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2007

I think you're totally justified. I guess the odds of something bad happening are small, so I can understand why some people wouldn't have a problem with this, but I think your position is pretty mainstream.
posted by equalpants at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2007

Keys "floating across the country" really aren't a problem.

And, what is to keep YOUR guests from having copies of your keys made when they have them?

Your system isn't much safer than hers.

The only way to avoid this issue is to never give a key to anyone, and that's probably not practical if you have long term guests.

I would lighten up about it, unless your roommate is inviting bad, bad people, there's not much you can do...
posted by HuronBob at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2007

Maybe you can get your roommate to read Jane Smiley's murder mystery, Duplicate Keys.
posted by roger ackroyd at 4:03 PM on November 19, 2007

i would just ask for the keys back. making spare keys available for guests is nice, though.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:05 PM on November 19, 2007

If you need to make a claim on your contents insurance, non-residents having copies of the keys may well make things awkward. Not that the insurance company would be in a position to find out, but still.
posted by emilyw at 4:06 PM on November 19, 2007

It's probably not worth arguing over with your roommate. But I always lent the guests the spare set of keys, which they returned at the end of the visit. Most folks don't want an extra key on their ring that they almost never use, feel weird throwing a key away, and don't want you to have to go to the trouble of getting a new spare set made, so they're cool with this.
posted by desuetude at 4:29 PM on November 19, 2007

Just have your roommate read Duplicate Keys by Jane Smiley. Creepy murder mystery about a group of friends who do this. I am sort of being tongue-in-cheek but that book did convince me that I was not bohemian enough to hand out keys to all my buds.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:47 PM on November 19, 2007

By giving them their own keys she is telling them that they hav the right to come and go as they please. If she hasn't discussued this with you then they don't have that right. This contradiction justifies your discomfort.

I don't, however, have any idea how best to deal with the situation.
posted by muteh at 4:49 PM on November 19, 2007

If the key is unmarked it is actually TWO keys - the physical key and the knowledge of which lock it mates with. You are MUCH more at risk through your own keys - if you lost your purse/bookbag there's a chance that someone could find both the keys and your address. If your roommate's Aunt Mildred loses an unmarked key to your apartment once she gets back to Hoboken, not so much of a worry.

I always make sure that the spare keys are on a dumb and sort of large keychain - they always get returned, and I've never had to ask for them.
posted by dirtdirt at 4:52 PM on November 19, 2007

How did you end up living with someone you can't talk to?

This really sounds symptomatic of an overall mistrust of your roommate or an inherent incompatibility with her that you need to address. Because really, as most people have said here, it's really, really not that big of a deal, would be even less of a deal if you just collected the keys when they left, and would be super EXTRA less of a deal if you would just talk openly with your roommate instead of searching out make-believe reasons to be indignant over something like this.
posted by hermitosis at 5:45 PM on November 19, 2007

thirding jane smiley's duplicate keys. that was a fun yarn.
posted by bruce at 6:43 PM on November 19, 2007

Make an official "spare" set to be given to anyone who visits, her friends or yours. Attach a bright, fun keychain that makes the key hard to lose. Show your roommate the official set, and show her where their permanent "home" will be. In a drawer in the kitchen? Somewhere easily found. Tell her it's to save time for both of you, and so you don't have to hand out your own keys and inconvenience yourselves.

I would be willing to bet she starts using them. Hey, it's convenient! And cheap! And she didn't have to do anything for it. Also, cool keychain.

Be prepared for the possibility that she might not go this way, however.
posted by tejolote at 9:51 PM on November 19, 2007

From the original question asker:

The "vague sense of discomfort," I've figured out, probably comes from my roommate and I having different ideas of privacy. It's not breaking in I'm worried about, now that I think about it; it's coming home from work and unexpectedly finding my roommate's friends on the couch. I value my personal space pretty highly, and my roommate giving out copies of our keys represents a symbolic (if not yet actual) invasion of privacy.

Funnily enough, I don't think either of us had thought about just making just one spare set and loaning them to our guests for just the duration of their stay. Kind of a no-brainer, looking back on it. I've talked to her and she agrees that it's a good idea, and that's what we're doing from now on. Problem solved!

posted by mathowie at 10:39 PM on November 19, 2007

I know I'm late to the party, but: get Medeco locks, perhaps? They can't just be duplicated. (This will be my downfall—where I live now uses them.)
posted by oaf at 4:25 AM on November 20, 2007

Give a bullshit excuse to get them back from now on. Like "make sure the guest key comes back so we don't have to buy more."
posted by Ironmouth at 8:05 AM on November 20, 2007