Is it hormones or in my head?

November 10, 2007 11:55 AM

Am I hormonally impaired?

I am a female in my mid-twenties and I haven't had the slightest desire to have sex in a little over a year. Absolutely nothing. The thought of sex isn't traumatic to me but I'd just rather not do it. And I can't figure out why, although there's no shortage of potential explanations.

I had a pretty normal sex life previously. A few things happened between now and then, and I can't figure out what is most likely making me so asexual. My suspicion is that it might have something to do with going off birth control. I took the pill for about 12 years but stopped because my health insurance expired. I'm afraid that having stopped taking something that affected my hormones from mid-puberty until adulthood has screwed up my hormones.

A little less than a year ago, I also stopped taking antipsychotics, which I had been taking for depression in lieu of antidepressants. I went off them very, very slowly, though, and didn't have any problems with withdrawal. I had serious issues with depression for much of my life and the way I feel now is totally distinct from that sort of experience. I dealt with an incident that was vaguely sexual assault when I was a teenager but have been through years of therapy since then and have generally not felt affected by it.

I also moved in with my boyfriend (of approx. five years) about two years ago and he has been incredibly understanding and supportive about me basically asexual, telling me that he's there for me/that he's not going to leave unless I tell him to/etc.

I can't figure out whether this is hormonal or in my head. It doesn't help at all that I can't go to therapy because even reduced rate appointments are more than I can afford right now (no insurance), plus I work very long hours and don't have the time for it. This will likely change in a little less than a year, and hopefully I can see someone then. In the meantime, I am desperate, at this point, to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and how this abrupt, seemingly out-of-nowhere change came about. Am I doomed to a lifetime of asexuality?

posted by lxs to Health & Fitness (22 answers total)

There's a difference between lack of desire and lack of ability--if you just go through the motions and have sex, are you just not enjoying it? Or, can you just not bring yourself to do the deed with anyone?
posted by dossy at 12:20 PM on November 10, 2007

Response by poster: I think it's mostly the latter...I just can't bring myself to do it. i think that even if I could, it would be hard to initiate, as well, after not doing it for so long. I don't even know if I'd enjoy it at this point because it's been so long.
posted by lxs at 12:29 PM on November 10, 2007

A couple of questions:

You don't masturbate, either, right?

You say you went off anti-psychotics that you were taking for depression, but you didn't say if you are now taking anti-depressants.

Do you have this (lack of) feeling about other things in life? If so, you might want to research anhedonia.
posted by thebrokedown at 12:41 PM on November 10, 2007

Response by poster: No masturbation and not currently on any meds. I don't feel as apathetic about other things most of the time but will look into anhedonia to see what it's all about.
posted by lxs at 12:50 PM on November 10, 2007

From my experience low level depression can also manifest this way. You don't necessarily feel depressed, you are just generally disinterested in things.
posted by zennoshinjou at 1:14 PM on November 10, 2007

"I work very long hours."

To me this throwaway aside is actually the most likely explanation.

You can only be fatigued for so long before it starts to affect your libido. You need a certain amount of rest and leisure in order to feel like it. If you're tired from work all the time then a light read and a lie-down are probably all the recreation you can manage.

You might say "but I've always worked this hard." But to begin with, you probably had some reserves of energy. Now they're exhausted, and you don't.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:27 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

What about before? You sound as though you did have a higher sex drive at some point.

Zennoshinjou has the perfect description of anhedonia.

I am glad that you are asking about this--too many people would just accept this as 'their lot' and go on.
posted by thebrokedown at 1:27 PM on November 10, 2007

There was a study done about a year or so ago that linked long-term hormonal contraceptive usage with a lowered libido even after the drugs were stopped. As in it impaired desire for a while, possibly permanently.

I can't look for it for you right now, but it might be something to consider.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:27 PM on November 10, 2007

I work very long hours and don't have the time for it.

There's a very good reason for not wanting sex right there. I know when I'm working like crazy my sex drive goes right out the window sometimes for pretty long amounts of time, and it's normally pretty high.

But really, the only way to find out if there's something going on with your hormones or some other physical ting is to go to a doctor and get some tests done. Anything else is just guessing and unlikely to be helpful.
posted by shelleycat at 1:34 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

And when you go to see your doctor, make sure they check your thyroid levels, as a hypoactive thyroid can really do in your libido. Just one possibility among many.
posted by gingerbeer at 1:39 PM on November 10, 2007

do you feel excited to be around your boyfriend? Do you get stimulated by other enjoyable activities, like seeing a good movie or listening to music, or other pleasurable experiences? If you generally have a blah feeling about life in general, then I'd consider that a bigger problem than just sexuality, and more of a general issue depression, even if it's not one that manifests in specific periods of serious sadness. For that I'd look into all the things that you'd look into to treat depression - diet, exercise, goals in life, relationships, career, nature/light exposure, stress, sleep cycle, drugs, & so on.

If, on the other hand, you're generally really happy, satisfied with life in most ways but just not aroused, I'd consider more specifically if it has anything to do with attraction to the current partner, or something about the way you two relate. What was your sex life with him like before this change? A lot of people find their sexual interest in a partner decreases over time, and the joke about marriage being the end of sex is not entirely false... people often have a lot less sex once they're settled. I remember there being a survey that said Americans had the most sex of any country, and I remember that I couldnt' help wondering if part of that was because everyone felt obiged to have sex - if it's partly that in America sex is so commonly seen as the most important thing, that sometimes people sort of do it because they're already thinking from a larger cultural perspective, not just following their immediate hormonal needs. I mean, maybe Americans are just hornier for some reason, but it seems believable to me that there's a certain amount of self-imposed pressure to be normal as well (also discussedhere).

I guess what i'm getting at is,
a - if you're generally unsatisfied, and this is one symptom, treat the general unhappiness rather than the particular symptom.

b - if you're generally satisfied but kind of remember really loving sex at some previous point and just want to get that back, I'd try to "spice things up" with the boyfriend, as a slump in a sex life with a long term lover is pretty normal - try toys or books or games or fantasies that can open up your relationship, or maybe see a sex counselor?

c - if you're generally satisfied with life, and never really cared all that much one way or the other about sex, and now just care even less and don't see why getting it back would be better, you don't necessarily have to feel pressured to be more into it. The main issue here is your relationship. If the boyfriend has been with you without sex for a year, is it possible he doesn't feel sex is that central either? Definitely work out what is best for both of you, but don't worry about it in terms of what is "normal" by society's standards. Work out what makes you two happy.
posted by mdn at 1:54 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

any big changes in weight, diet or lifestyle?
posted by Mr_Crazyhorse at 1:58 PM on November 10, 2007

Well, if seeing a doctor is out, any chance you could go to a low-cost clinic and get yourself birth control? (Assuming going back on is an option, medically.) It sounds like you suspect that going off it did something to your libido; it seems like the most straightforward test of that would be to go back on for a while and see if anything changes. I know Planned Parenthood does BC on a sliding scale; maybe that would make it affordable enough for you? (I'd also not hesitate to ask the BF to chip in; it takes two to tango in that department, so it shouldn't be solely your responsibility.)

Obviously an appointment with an endocrinologist would be best, but that just seemed like one avenue to consider.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:06 PM on November 10, 2007

Birth control doesn't have to be expensive. I was paying $20 out of pocket per month for generic pills after shopping around at several mainstream drug stores - different stores charge different amounts.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 2:13 PM on November 10, 2007

i had a similar experience. switching birth control helped a lot. so did taking antidepressants (yes, usually they lower libido, but they raised mine).

fatigue is one reason, but it sounds like your hormones might be to blame (also for the fatigue). get your thyroid checked, definitely.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:17 PM on November 10, 2007

I could have written this question. I was diagnosed with a long term, low-level depression a couple of weeks ago. Take any advice you get with a grain of salt and see a doctor.
posted by sian at 2:21 PM on November 10, 2007

I would imagine that going off birth control pills after 12 years would also make some people worry about pregnancy, or at least about the reliability of the new birth control method. Could that also be adding to the stress?
posted by occhiblu at 3:27 PM on November 10, 2007

Response by poster: Responding to Mr_Crazyhorse's question - I lost maybe 25 pounds in the past two years through exercising and eating healthier. I used to smoke pot a whole lot but have stopped doing that almost completely and I drink less too. FWIW, a lot of the sex I was having before was while drunk.
posted by lxs at 4:02 PM on November 10, 2007

Ask your dr. to do a full blood work up on you to rule out any hormonal or thyroid issues. If you've got health insurance, this isn't a hugely expensive test.
posted by pluckysparrow at 4:46 PM on November 10, 2007

seems like the sex was part of an unhealthy alcoholic lifestyle... and I think now that you're living healthier... part of you seems to associate sex with being sloppy and out of control.
posted by Mr_Crazyhorse at 10:31 PM on November 10, 2007

talk to your doctor, and see if your testosterone levels can be checked. A lowered libido in females can be caused by deficient androgen levels.

Birth control changes can mess with your androgen levels, so that could be a cause. But a blood test can help answer the question, if it's in your head or if it's hormonal.
posted by cotterpin at 10:39 PM on November 10, 2007

Maybe you're just not sexually attracted to your boyfriend anymore. The brief description suggests comfortable familiarity and complacency but nothing beyond that, at least to me. It happens and you're at an age where being together five years means you both are probably pretty different people. Plus you've outlined a lot of changes (antipsychotics, BC, alcohol, and pot) and other potentially contributing factors, like long work hours. You may never get that spark back with your boyfriend. I know that's sort of a bleak picture, and most long-term relationships go through periods like that, but at least consider that it may be time for both of you to move on.
posted by 6550 at 10:57 PM on November 10, 2007