Ol' Snothead

November 10, 2007 9:07 AM

Is it rude to attend a party when you have a cold?

I RSVPed yes to a party a couple weeks ago. Now it's the weekend of the party and I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever had but it's certainly unpleasant.

I think I've got the symptoms under control so I wouldn't be grossing anyone out I don't think but on the other hand I don't want to be giving other people I like my cold.

And yet I feel bad cancelling at the last minute...the invitation was unclear as to whether it was a dinner party or not so I don't know how much preparation will have been made on my behalf.

What to do? Oddly I can't find etiquette advice about this anywhere. I imagine I'm not the first person to face this dilemma.

posted by Jess the Mess to Human Relations (18 answers total)

I've been in that situation.

What I did is to call the person whose party it was and explain that I was sick, and concerned about infecting other people. I said that I didn't know if I was contagious, but it definitely was a risk. I let her decide if she wanted me there. This is someone I knew pretty well, so YMMV, of course :)

Hope you feel better soon, either way.
posted by ugf at 9:11 AM on November 10, 2007

but it's certainly unpleasant.

Short answer: put yourself in their shoes.

Call and politely explain you wouldn't want them to experience the particular un-pleasantries you're currently transmitting.
posted by allkindsoftime at 9:11 AM on November 10, 2007

If there's a possibility you're contagious, don't go.
posted by joannemerriam at 9:17 AM on November 10, 2007

Yeah, call the host and express how much you'd like to attend but that you feel you might be infectious. They'll understand and allow you to bow out gracefully. The guests will probably be glad you're not going to put them at risk of illness by attending. Now go lay down and drink some hot tea.
posted by HotPatatta at 9:19 AM on November 10, 2007

And yet I feel bad cancelling at the last minute...

Would you feel bad about passing on your cold? If so, then don't go.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:45 AM on November 10, 2007

Best answer: Yeah, even though you might feel well enough to go and overall the cold was not so bad, if you passed on the illness to someone else, they might experience a more severe version of it. Recently I had a sinus infection and had to spend an entire day in bed. My mom also had a sinus infection but was out of work for three days (freelance, so pay was lost). My friend also had one and had to go to the ER for a CAT scan because the pressure behind his eyes was so great. Lost work due to illness (or your kids' illness) can be a big problem, so you're doing the right thing to not attend.

I think it's considerate enough to just call and cancel, but if you're still worried about putting the host out, you could drop off a bottle of wine at the house or have flowers sent. You can also take the host out to lunch/dinner to reciprocate, as you would have if you had attended the party.
posted by xo at 9:46 AM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do you want to go? I think that's the most important factor. If you're feeling well enough that you want to go to the party, I say go, though you could ask the host first if you want. If you're not, a cold is a perfectly legitimate reason not to go.

People are exposed to ill people constantly, most of which aren't very cautious or considerate about it. You've been going to work, right? To the store? etc. If you want to go, you should. Just make sure you wash your hands regularly, avoid touching and extremely close contact, and sneezing into the side dishes.
posted by christonabike at 10:03 AM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think it depends on the severity of the symptoms. If you're hacking and sneezing and snorting, stay home. If you have an occasional cough and a mildly runny nose, go ahead and go.

Personally, I wouldn't be offended if a dinner guest had a mild cold. It's cold season. What are you going to do? Hide in the house for the entire season? Catching a cold is a reality of existing. You may not infect the other guests. They may already have a cold of their own. Go if you want to go. If you are feeling ill, that is perfectly understandable. If I were the anxious hostess that was holding a small dinner party, I would want you to show up if you were feeling well.
posted by LoriFLA at 10:28 AM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I happen to agree with LoriFLA. Half the people in any given workplace have colds this time of year; it's a reality of existing. I'd say don't go if you don't feel up to it (as a rule, I always recommend to do what makes you most comfortable, even if it's not what someone else might choose) but unless you're hacking and coughing and wheezing and *super* unpleasant to be around, don't worry about offending anybody by going.
posted by iguanapolitico at 10:53 AM on November 10, 2007

I think the rule of thumb is, if you'll have to say at some point in the night, "Oh, the reason I'm doing X/not doing X is because I'm sick", stay home. My first thought about hearing someone tell me they're sick is, well, thanks so much for feeling free to share the wealth!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:51 AM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Like everyone else suggests, if you feel bad enough to want to stay in bed, politely offer your regrets, even at the late date. If you feel good enough that you'd maybe go to work with the cold, then go ahead and go.
posted by big scary freak at 12:26 PM on November 10, 2007

I held a dinner party the winter before last, small group, I cooked (I hate cooking), planned well in advance. Half an hour before hand one of my friends rang to say she couldn't come because she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to share it around. And you know, it was totally cool. I told her to feel better soon, told the other guests "x is sorry she can't come but she's not feeling well" and we went on with our evening. I appreciate that we're good enough friends that she didn't feel awkward bowing out, and hopefully your friend will feel the same way.
posted by shelleycat at 1:45 PM on November 10, 2007

Everything you ever wanted to know about colds.
posted by Xurando at 2:09 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

You should not go to a party (or to work) if you are sick and might be contagious. Doing so is referred to as presenteeism.
posted by alms at 2:20 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I had a cold last week (still have a little bit of it). I was also meeting a lot of people. I kept saying "I don't want to get you sick, so I won't shake your hand". It was weird, every person I said that two immediately stuck their hand out to shake mine. Kind of gross but more charming to me. It's cold here and we are all going to get sick.

You might want to get some hand sanitizer and have it on hang (NPI) if you need to shake hands. That would be a step in the right direction.
posted by sully75 at 3:09 PM on November 10, 2007

I'm with the camp that says that if your symptoms are such that you actually feel like being in a party atmosphere then you should go if you want.
posted by mmascolino at 4:40 PM on November 10, 2007

As sully75 say, if you go, keep your hands clean - wash or sanitize frequently while you're there. Hand cleaning really does reduce transmission.
posted by anadem at 7:54 PM on November 10, 2007

True, this time of year I'm sure at least one guest at a party will have some disease. I have no problem shaking people's hands at these affairs but I've tried to reduce my chances of catching something by not eating with my hands at these "doos."

Conventional wisdom is that you are actually most contagious before you realize you have a cold. If you are at the tail end and are feeling up to it, then I'd go. You're probably not contagious (IANAD). But don't put your hands to your mouth or nose. If you have to sneeze or cough, do it into the inside of your elbow (a parental trick I learned early on), not into your hand (I think it's pretty funny to watch people cough into their closed fists).

If you have a fever definitely send your regrets and don't go.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 6:33 AM on November 11, 2007