Fantasy turned obsession

November 7, 2007 5:55 AM

I've been having Cuckold fantasies for the better part of my long-term relationship now. My girlfriend does not approve, on the contrary, she's appalled. I don't want to lose her, but ordinary sex just doesn't interest me a lot anymore. What to do?

Here's the long, slightly anachronistic, version: I've been in this relationship for almost six years now. My girlfriend was the first woman I had actual sexual intercourse with, mostly because somehow with my earlier girlfriends I had "performance" problems, for reasons unknown (to me, at least). Well, so having sex with her was great! For the first few years. Then, frequency declined. After a while I talked to my girlfriend about it, we had quite a few long talks, where it just turned out that she had a rather low sex-drive. So we tried spicing things up a bit, bought a couple of books on the subject, read them to each other, bought some very low profile sex-toys (plush handcuffs, a sex-game for two, etc.). Things looked promising, but somehow, after a few months, it all faded back into the way it was before.

Starting sometime maybe in our second year, I noticed my fondness for the idea of seeing my girlfriend having sex with another guy (woman too, but that's nothing out of the ordinary, or so I've heard). First it was just her having sex with someone else, but the more I read about the "hotwife" lifestyle, the more I fantasized about the cuckold lifestyle, where she not only has sex with others, but humiliates me in the course of it as well.

About two years ago, during casual conversation, I mentioned the fantasy of her having sex with someone else. Drama ensued, for she couldn't understand how I could get off on seeing the woman I love having sex with someone else. Since I myself had not really figured out where that fantasy came from, my explanations didn't help. Needless to say, I never touched upon the subject again.

Today, the fantasy hasn't disappeared. On the contrary, it's an obsession now, and it occupies my life like nothing else. Now, I'm reflective enough to realize that my fantasy may just stem from the fact that she is in fact everything but a woman who would have sex with someone else, that she's in fact very much into plain Vanilla sex and not in need of a whole lot of it either. Fantasizing about her being a woman who fucks whoever she wants, may just be the kind of fantasy for someone whose girlfriend just doesn't care about sex much.

But even if it is a fantasy with an easily trackable root, what can I do to take my mind off that damn obsession? I spend more time scouring the web for cuckolding resources, chatting with people who are into that kind of thing, etc. than working on my long-due thesis.

Basically, my sexual frustration has taken over my life, and it's really hard to keep up the pretense of leading a normal life, when in reality I'm being eaten up by my sexual desires. Having normal sex just doesn't do anything for me anymore, especially because my girlfriend is not interested in anything else than cuddly Vanilla-sex. Which I really don't think is a bad thing, it's just nothing I'm very interested in anymore at that point.

So finally, here's my question: Am I doomed? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, because I love her, regardless of the fact that we are so different when it comes to sexual desires. But I too don't want to lead that double life: normal boyfriend here, perverted non-Vanilla sex-fiend there.

Anyone?

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

Find a sex therapist, and talk to them about it.
posted by Solomon at 6:04 AM on November 7, 2007

Goodness, you're not a perverted non-Vanilla sex-fiend. That's a very negative way to look at yourself. You're simply non-Vanilla, and you're not obsessed, you're horny. You would probably have the same issue if you were vanilla and she wasn't putting out enough.

So, the fact is, your sex drive is probably not going to go away any time soon. Your girlfriend doesn't seem willing to work with you at all. Of course, that's your information as of two years ago--I'd let her know what's going on now.

She might be a little more open-minded if you explain to her that it's not a passing fancy, it's a need. Tell her you love her a lot, and you didn't know you were into this when you started dating. If she rejects you again, well, I hope she'll at least do it nicely.

You really deserve to have a partner who respects your sexual desires, even if she's unwilling or unable to fulfill them.

I'd also suggest some short-term therapy--there has to be a better way to deal with this (hopefully temporary) situation so that it doesn't get in the way of your everyday life, thesis, etc.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 6:15 AM on November 7, 2007

This is one of those situations in which you've crossed from "harmless fantasy" to "dysfunctional obsession". There are some that will say your sexuality should not be repressed and you should just move on and express it with someone else, but I personally think that your sexual obsession is the RESULT or repression. In fact, even in your description of your sexual history you allude with total self-awareness that this is a personal issue just as much as it's a desire.

Whether you stay with her or not, you need to get real help. Even if you wind up with a woman in the future who shares your fantasy, you will need to have the tools to understand and control yourself, to build the sex life you want instead of obey the sex obsessions that sweep over you. You may be surprised how unsatisfied you can still wind up being with someone who you are very sexually compatible with, if you are not sexually compatible with yourself. If these were problems you could take care of on your own, you wouldn't be here with us, right?

Seek out a therapist you can talk to comfortably, and tell your girlfriend you're going (if you keep it from her in this current state of sexual dissatisfaction, she may pick up the wrong signals and think you're having an affair).
posted by hermitosis at 6:16 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Dan Savage answers questions pretty similar to this all the time. Here is a link to his archived posts, no search function though.
posted by ian1977 at 6:17 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Perhaps see if she's willing to act out the fantasy, but only pretending. So, for instance, she could talk dirty about being with another person right before you (even if she hasn't). This might be enough for you, and it might be okay with her.

And maybe go read some Savage Love
posted by nursegracer at 6:20 AM on November 7, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Gah, beaten to the punch!
posted by nursegracer at 6:21 AM on November 7, 2007

Solomon's got a good idea. In addition, have you brought up your interest to your girl again since two years ago? Maybe she's changed her mind? It's doubtful, but at least you can talk about it, and I'd be willing to bet that one of the reasons the idea has such a pull on your mind is not only is it forbidden in general society, but most especially your girlfriend is forbidding it. And Everyone Knows (i.e. anecdotal evidence suggests) that the lure of the forbidden is much of a kink's draw.

Perhaps if she's not up for a full-on cuckold experience, maybe you could get her to talk about attractive men she's seen during the day, or what she did with exes. If she did that, it could perhaps remove some of the mystique associated with the fetish, and, in time, reduce your dependence on it.
posted by Xoder at 6:21 AM on November 7, 2007

I once heard this Lovephones exchange (shortened for impact):

Caller: "yeah, hi, I'm worried because my penis is kind of small"

Dr. Drew: "You feel unimportant. The best solution is to get a job where you make a difference. Working at a soup kitchen or something. You'll stop feeling like your penis is even an issue very quickly."

*click*

Sometimes (most times?) the cure for a sexual disfunction is not sexual at all. Here's my take on your problem.


The Cuckolding
Why are you so interested in cuckolding? What does it offer you that regular sex does not? The most obvious is that it is not you doing the fucking. Why would anyone prefer that? I mean, what does you not doing the fucking have to offer?

• A lack of responsibility. You don't have to do anything!
• No opportunity for failure
• Your girlfriend satisfying her sexual needs. perhaps you are bothered by her low sex drive and it would make you feel better to see her with one comparable to your own?

So in your day to day life:

• Are you often scared or anxious?
• Are you very responsible in your life and resentful of it?
• Are you not very responsible in your life? If so, is it because you're afraid to take responsibility?

I see the obvious answer of performance anxiety, however it's worth asking yourself these questions without jumping to that conclusion. Maybe the performance anxiety is just another symptom



The Humiliation:
There is a surprising amount of intimacy involved in asking someone who cares about you to hurt you. If you're involved with a girl and you, say, chronically forget to take out the garbage and then while you're having sex (of whatever combination) she starts berating you for not taking out the garbage.... well let's examine that.

• She's confronting you with an issue does she not do that in your relationship? does she let things slide even though they obviously bother her?
• She is attending to your needs (humiliation) while ostensibly satisfying her own (cuckolding). People don't tend to each other's needs unless they care deeply about them. Do you need more signs that she cares deeply about you -- more to the point, about you being satisfied in bed?

My opinion is that your fantasies are taking over your life because they are the only way you can satisfy some deep seated need you have. I feel you're probably much more unhappy than you would like to admit and feeling very anxious about yourself. You're a person with worries and that's okay.

Cold showers, etc all, will possibly help in the short short term -- if you want them to help. But ultimately, I suggest cognitive behavioral therapy to seek out the underlying cause. I think you'd be surprised how easy it will be to discover and how quickly things will start to feel better.

Good luck. email me if you need to.
posted by Brainy at 6:25 AM on November 7, 2007 [11 favorites has favorites]

You have self-identified this interest as becoming obsessive, which means you've identified it as a problem for you. And the problem is not the subject matter, but the behaviors surrounding it. No one thing should "occupy" your life like that.

I think it's a very very bad idea to ask your girlfriend to participate in an obsession. Bad for you - reinforces the obsessive behaviors - and bad for her, because this is something that has become entirely Not About Her, and that can be devastating to participate in. This crossed the line of fantasy or "differing sexual desires;" if your obsessive behavior was handwashing or singing one line of a song or fantasy golf, would you say the same?

Many people experience obsessive fixation as a side-car to depression and other chemical imbalances, sometimes even along with physical illnesses you don't normally think of as chemical. What you're describing literally is not healthy, and it's not healthy kink either; perseveration is not the same as desire. Get a physical and a referral to a mental health professional.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:42 AM on November 7, 2007

And maybe go read some Savage Love

I used to think Mr. Savage's advice was OK, until I heard his podcast. This guy is nuts-- in the course of answering people's questions, he'll latch onto irrelevant (or at least secondarily important) details, jump to Grand-Canyon-sized conclusions, and in essence recommend sledgehammers for killing mosquitoes.

So be careful about what he (and anyone else) prescribes as a solution. Professional help is a much, much better option I think.
posted by Rykey at 7:03 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

i think it doesn't hurt to read some Savage Love, if only, not to feel alone, doomed and like a perverted freak. here are some posts of his which mention the cuckold fetish. but in general, reading his archives, makes you feel relatively normal, and if anything, on the vanilla side, trust me.
posted by barrakuda at 8:03 AM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

First of all, talk to her. If she's a little more open to doing things a bit more rough-and-tumble, work with that. Does she have to do other guys, or is there a happy medium? Say both of you go to clubs, and she grinds against other guys while you watch. You consciously disappear off to the bathroom, and when you get back she describes the naughty things she did with Random Dude X while you were away (she doesn't actually have to do these things, but you're gone, so how do you know what she did?). Or she flirts with other men at bars and talks dirty to you when you get home.

If she isn't amenable to this, or if the only thing that will bring you satisfaction is watching her do it with other guys, I don't see much of a future for you. It is true that the degree to which this has taken over your life now is unhealthy. But that doesn't mean the fetish itself is bad, and you should squash it out of your mind and if you were a good person you would only love Cuddly Vanilla Sex for the rest of your life. I think you should talk with a therapist about the obsessiveness aspect, but you should also consider that if neither of you can budge in your sexual preferences you need to find a partner more compatible. Sexual compatibility is a deal-breaker for any successful long-term relationship. You have only been with one lady. It is a Bad Thing for you to start making yourself miserable now because you feel you have to mold your sexual preferences to her, as much as it would be a Bad Thing if she felt she had do engage in cuckolding play despite it making her absolutely, thoroughly miserable.
posted by schroedinger at 8:28 AM on November 7, 2007

I want to address the girlfriend's sex drive:
1. Generally speaking, your girlfriend will probably have this low sex drive her whole life...if this is a problem for you....you need to find someone else (although there's no guarantee she wont end up with one after a few years too.) Women just have lower sex drives...although it usually takes longer than a couple of years for it to die down like you say it has.

2. As a woman, there's not really any easy way for her to "turn on" her sex drive again. One of the reasons she had a stronger sex drive in the beginning was because it was new. Now it's not. In addition, she probably doesn't feel sexy anymore-just because a boyfriend/husband wants sex with her, strangly that doesn't necessarily make her feel sexy. The two are not as intertwined as you would think. It's more about self-image...does she feel overweight, doesn't like her job, are you two connecting...talking...sharing...doing fun things together...that sort of stuff makes a woman feel better about herself which makes her feel more sexy. If she doesn't feel sexy, she aint gonna want sex. I wish I had a definitive way to tell you to make her feel sexy again...I'm working on that one myself.

That being said, if she does go for the experience with another man, it could possibly re-ignite her sex drive-(although you're taking the chance that it might not be with you.) However, it would probably make her feel sexy and alive and beautiful again.

As for your obsession,
I think you need to discuss it with her again. Tell her why this is a fantasy for you...why it would excite you (it's obviously hard for her to understand why) ....and ask her if, by the way, she has any fantasies that you haven't talked about. (probably not...but you never know.)

You may seriously have to look elsewhere for a girlfriend. If very little sex isn't okay with you-and she didn't start out with much of one anyway-then even if it gets better-it's not going to get much better. She just doesn't sound like the type to indulge in fantasies and odd sex-play.

This doesn't get better with time, either.
posted by aacheson at 8:39 AM on November 7, 2007

[IB's wife]

Phone sex. I have TONS of callers who use phone sex as an outlet for cuckolding fantasies, then feel better and can get back to their normal, vanilla sex lives. Sometimes it just requires acting out the fantasy to be able to get things back to normal -- I liken it to needing to hear the song that's been stuck in your head for three days. Once you hear the actual song, it goes away and stops being the only thing you can think about.

Phone sex is a fine way to get out a fantasy like this. A lot of women on the service I go through specialize in cuckolding, and most of us really like the calls.
posted by InnocentBystander at 10:57 AM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

aacheson: Women just have lower sex drives...

Oy vey. Tell that to my vagina.

Women, like men, are all different. (This should be a no-brainer.)

Is sexual compatibility important to you? Are you willing to spend more years with someone you're sexually incompatible with? Because you could probably find someone you jibe better with. Personally? I couldn't live with a sexually unfulfilling relationship, if I knew there was no hope for change. Maybe you need to figure out if this can get better.

There's nothing wrong with being turned on by what you're turned on by, and no one should make you feel like a sicko pervert for it.
posted by loiseau at 12:57 PM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

There are at least 3 things going on here, and I think they deserve to be separated out because they don't all share the same implications.

#1 is the cuckold fantasy. As you've discovered by browsing the internet, this isn't even all that rare or unusual. It certainly doesn't make you sick or dysfunctional, and I disagree with the above poster that it necessarily reflects a need to be hurt or humiliated or to hurt or humiliate your partner. Even acting on these fantasies (with the consent of the 2 other involved parties) isn't sick or dysfunctional, although it doesn't sound like that's going to happen for you because your girlfriend is not interested.

#2 is the issue of sexual compatibility between you and your girlfriend. It doesn't sound like you two are a perfect match; she's appalled by things you find sexy and you point out a sex drive mismatch. You should know that it's almost unheard of for couples to be a perfect match, sexually; you and your girlfriend have to decide whether the amount you differ sexually is a dealbreaker or just something you're going to work around as part of your mature relationship. Sometimes counseling can help sort these issues out.

#3 is the fact that your fantasies are becoming obsessive and distracting you from your important work, namely your thesis. As others have pointed out, this is not really about the content of your fantasies, but it is about the amount of stress going on in your life and the way you are coping with it. It sounds like you're having trouble dealing with a stressful time; that can be another reason to go talk to a professional: a couples counselor or a therapist or whatever.

I don't think you're sick, damaged, broken or otherwise hopeless, and I do hope you find the help you need to feel better about who you are and what you're going through in your life.
posted by ikkyu2 at 1:21 PM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I cannot stress the importance of seeing a therapist! And a sex therapist at that!

I don't know if you have spoken "live" with anyone else (other than your g/f) about your fantasy; if you haven't, it will be a nice load off your shoulders and is well worth the money you will need to invest.

I also agree with everyone who says that obsessions are not good. They are bad. They are time wasters and spirit breakers. The therapy will help!

Just talking to someone who is empathetic and non-judgemental and who has experience with these feelings is a great thing.

I do not know the specific pain you are feeling, but I do know that sex, although not necessarily the most important thing in a relationship is somewhat important nonetheless, especially if compatibilities are different. And I do know the pain of incompatibility!

I wish you well and hope that you find the inner-peace you deserve!
posted by bitteroldman at 4:47 PM on November 7, 2007

No offense to hermitosis or Brainy or any of the others trying to analyze you, but there isn't anything wrong with you. I am a Dominant in the BDSM sense. You are experiencing what a lot of male submissives go through when they start to realize that they aren't into vanilla sex. Talk to your wife, do not cheat on her to fulfill your desires. Realize that your incompatible desires may lead to divorce.
Read books learn about the lifestyle join a local BDSM group (they're really easy to find on yahoo groups or google groups) attend some munches get to know people in the life style. Getting information will do wonders to calm your obsessive thoughts. When you're ready post a profile on a BDSM site like alt.com or collarme.com and try out some Dommes, like vanilla dating expect to find a lot of frogs before you find the princess of your dreams.

To sum up, there's nothing wrong with you, exploring and learning will lessen the obsession (take some of your edges off) get to know some real life people who have the same desires as you. And, of course, be safe sane and consensual.

--Kioki
posted by Kioki-Silver at 5:29 PM on November 7, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, however, I don't see this as a situation where there is much middle ground. I wouldn't say your girlfriend is being unreasonable, cuckolding is a pretty extreme sexual lifestyle. There are a lot of things you can expect your vanilla partner to be GGG for and this isn't one of them. I also don't really think her low sex drive is the issue, your issue isn't that you aren't having as much sex as you would like, it's that you aren't having the kind of sex (or uh watching) you like. Unfortunately, you discovered this about yourself late into this relationship. I don't think this relationship is salvageable. You are extremely sexually incompatible with your girlfriend and unfortunately you will not find a ton of women that will be down for cuckolding, however, with the internet, I'm sure you'll find one, one day. This issue is consuming your life and I'm sure slowly destroying your relationship. I'd get out now, so you both can move on and find people you are more compatible with.
posted by whoaali at 8:25 PM on November 7, 2007

There are a lot of things you can expect your vanilla partner to be GGG for and this isn't one of them.

I disagree with this statement wholeheartedly.

Actually fucking other guys in front of you might not be her thing (or many women's thing), but there is such a range of ways that a partner can fulfill this fantasy for you. Please don't assume that this is a binary--your partner or your fetish--because it's really not.
posted by sondrialiac at 1:37 AM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Actually fucking other guys in front of you might not be her thing (or many women's thing), but there is such a range of ways that a partner can fulfill this fantasy for you. Please don't assume that this is a binary--your partner or your fetish--because it's really not.

Yeah, I'm going to have to stand by what I said. There are no doubt many people that might be interested in cuckolding, but I would have to say it is for the sexually adventurous at the very least. Asking your partner to have sex with other people, is not like asking them to give a little light S&M a chance. It crosses a whole lotta lines for a lot of people and then is zero evidence that his girlfriend is even remotely interested in anything close to cuckolding, in fact quite the opposite. You can push your partner to "try new things" but cuckolding is in a whole new league and anon needs to find someone that is up for that.
posted by whoaali at 5:19 AM on November 8, 2007

I'm going to go with a totally different approach.

How is your thesis going? Are you behind? I think your obessession is your way of dealing with the dual anxieities of your thesis being in crisis and the fact that your girl is no longer interested in you. As a consequence, you feel you need to be punished. Stop spending so much time online and get your thesis in order. You'll feel much better.

One last thought: given how far you have gone into your obessession you will likely need help getting out. Be sure to discuss your anxiety about your work with this person.
posted by zia at 8:49 AM on November 8, 2007

Mentioning Savage Love once again, his last few columns, while not about cuckolding, do mention that if you're severely unsatisfied with your sex life with this person, you really do need to suck it up and leave them already. It won't get better, and your behavior will only get worse. Doesn't matter how much you love her, it's doomed because on one big important level, you're miserable with things as they are.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:10 PM on November 8, 2007

sondrialiac:
Actually fucking other guys in front of you might not be her thing (or many women's thing), but there is such a range of ways that a partner can fulfill this fantasy for you. Please don't assume that this is a binary--your partner or your fetish--because it's really not.

whoaali:
Yeah, I'm going to have to stand by what I said. There are no doubt many people that might be interested in cuckolding, but I would have to say it is for the sexually adventurous at the very least. Asking your partner to have sex with other people, is not like asking them to give a little light S&M a chance.

I think what Sondrialiac was getting at was that his partner having sex with someone else is not the only way to fulfill his fantasy of his partner having sex with someone else. For example, they could try role-playing it out.
posted by loiseau at 5:21 PM on November 8, 2007

First of all, talk to her. If she's a little more open to doing things a bit more rough-and-tumble, work with that. Does she have to do other guys, or is there a happy medium? Say both of you go to clubs, and she grinds against other guys while you watch. You consciously disappear off to the bathroom, and when you get back she describes the naughty things she did with Random Dude X while you were away (she doesn't actually have to do these things, but you're gone, so how do you know what she did?). Or she flirts with other men at bars and talks dirty to you when you get home.

I'd be careful with this approach. Sometimes random guys in clubs feel that there's a contract entered into when a girl flirts with them, or even if a girl just introduces herself to them. Sometimes they act like pricks when it turns out that the girl just wanted to be friendly. Maybe more fantasy and less reality would work better if you were planning on approach like this - such as her just talking about the guys instead of actually "grinding against" them.
posted by Nabubrush at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2007