How can I be a good friend to someone who has serious mental health problems?

October 30, 2007 5:46 AM

How do I deal with and best help a good friend of mine who is having very serious mental health problems? Oh, and we live on opposite coasts.

I have a good friend (we were roommates at one point) who lives in California. I live in New York. Over the past year she has gotten fired from two jobs and was involuntarily committed for a week and then released. We live far away from each other, but I get the sense that I am one of her only friends, aside from her husband and family (who also live far away). It is hard for me to tell exactly what is going on over the phone, since I only hear her side and talk to her every few weeks. But, she has told me she is seeing a psychiatrist every week and is on medication.

But, I am finding it very hard to be friends with her. For example, I called her the other day and she didn't answer. I saw her online and she said "having a meltdown, can't talk" and then I started getting really worried. Finally, a day later she texted me saying that she was fine. In addition, she has been having memory problems, so she will tell me one thing and then the next time, tell me a different version of the story. So, it doesn't seem like she has been entirely honest with me.

I'm trying to keep a long story as simple as possible, but basically, I have been struggling with this friendship. This is a person who I care about, and feel very powerless to help or be a good friend to. I waffle between just trying to minimize contact, to going out to visit her, to calling her husband to see what is really going on, or to just continuing to do what I am doing, talk to her on the phone occasionally.

How can I be a good friend, but also not over invest myself in a situation I have very little power do to anything about?

posted by hazyspring to human relations (15 comments total)

The best you can do is just let her know that you are there for her and that you are rooting for her. Then it is up to you if you want to get involved with actual practical assistance or visiting her or whatever.
posted by ian1977 at 6:09 AM on October 30, 2007

Really, the best thing you can do is to just be there for her. Let her know that you're her friend, that you care about her, and that you'll pick up the phone if she ever needs to talk.

But I also wouldn't let her get away with being disrespectful of your friendship, or with taking it for granted, if you think she's doing that. If something's bothering you, let her know.

If you really are one of her only friends, then I guarantee that she's insecure about keeping your friendship, and people like that often sabotage those friendships to preempt any hurtful abandonment down the road.

Bottom line: If you really care about this person, just let her know that you know she's having a tough time and that you don't judge her negatively for it.
posted by mpls2 at 6:10 AM on October 30, 2007

"having a meltdown, can't talk" = vaguely depressive + attentionseeker to me, rather than 'serious mental health problem'. She will drag you down with her if she can, quite possibly unmaliciously. Just let her know that if she wants to talk, you're there, and don't pry.
posted by softlord at 6:20 AM on October 30, 2007

Unfortunately, I found myself in a situation very similar to this one a few years back (though I'm in Florida and she was in Seattle). I'll keep my own too-long story short here, but suffice to say that I eventually felt it would be best to just cut off contact altogether. Yes, that sounds harsh and I felt like an ass about it for a while, but the bottom line is that you really can't do a whole lot from where you are. Your well-intentioned but ultimately half-informed efforts at helping your friend might just be causing more chaos than you realise. Mine certainly were.

Mental illness is difficult to deal with in person, never mind long distance. It's good that you want to be a good friend, but if she has a husband and/or other family that can help her then it's really their problem rather than yours. It's not your responsibility to 'heal' this person. Be available for her if you can, talk to her if she calls, send her Christmas cards, whatever; but don't haul around the mantle of 'Bad Friend' just because she won't call you back and it worries you.

This is a crap situation for anybody. Sorry you have to deal with it and I hope the best for your friend.
posted by Pecinpah at 6:33 AM on October 30, 2007

Doesn't sound like there's much you can do right now. Just let her know you're there when she realizes that sabotaging your friendship is not a good idea. I wouldn't go too out of your way right now. Just keep trying to talk to her, and if she continues to brush you off, lie, etc, just letting her know that you'll be there in the future is more than anyone could expect.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 6:37 AM on October 30, 2007

she will tell me one thing and then the next time, tell me a different version of the story. So, it doesn't seem like she has been entirely honest with me.

This really means nothing. Non-mentally ill people do this all the time, they're not lying, they're just a little more creative/spacey than the rest of us. And we all remember things differently based on our moods and feelings about the person/thing/place involved. If we're highly stressed or depressed this kind of subjective memory is more pronounced (in my experience). Don't make any decisions about her honesty based on this kind of thing.

Next time she pulls something like "having a meltdown, can't talk" call or email her husband. If she's genuinely having issues, he needs to know. If she's not, it'll nip that behavior in the bud quickly.

If your own mental health is suffering, cut off contact but let her support system know what you're doing and why.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:04 AM on October 30, 2007

I feel like there have been threads in the past in which people wished their friends would say something like "Having a meltdown, can't talk" rather than just ignoring any attempt at communication. It sounds to me, from what you've said, like she's trying to be fairly open with you and just letting you know that she's not in a mental space where she can talk right then. (I mean, it's not like she popped up out of the blue to say it, she was responding to the fact that you had called first.)

I get the impression the problem is coming in because you're taking "meltdown" a little too literally, maybe? I can understand why you would do so, given the context, but it doesn't seem helpful here for you to do so much worrying from so far away.

I would assume, if she has a husband, that someone is doing the day-to-day watching over her, so don't worry so much about filling that role. Don't make her become your caretaker, having to assure you all the time that she's ok. Just be there to the best of your ability when she wants to talk, and try not to feel like you have responsibility for her the rest of the time -- she has people in place (husband, psychiatrist) who can do that better than you can, based on training and geography.
posted by occhiblu at 8:30 AM on October 30, 2007

Call her husband and ask if there is anything that you can do.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:32 AM on October 30, 2007

"Having a meltdown, can't talk," seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to say, so I'm not sure I understand the reaction to that.

It doesn't sound as though your friend is asking you to be or do anything different. It sounds as though you are having difficulty, but I'm not sure why. If she is overly needy, then say something, draw a boundary, whatever. If she's symptomatic, having a hard time, well, that's her life, and no one is expecting you to fix it.

I would be really annoyed if someone called my husband to talk about my mental health.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:59 AM on October 30, 2007

I think most of the suggestions above are good, and I think I will take the advice of just trying to be there for her and leave it at that. Not worry or involve myself too much in it. I don't think I'm going to call her husband because I don't have a close enough relationship with him.

The reason why her saying "having a meltdown" is really concerning is because the last time she had a meltdown she ended up getting involuntarily committed to a mental institution and refusing to eat for days. This isn't a person who has minor issues. I know for a fact that she has really serious mental health issues that involve serious trauma from her childhood. She has dealt with these issues decently for a while, living a very "normal" life. It is just in the past 1-2 years that her life has started to fall apart.

The one thing that comforts me is that she is seeing a medical professional, and I hope that helps her.
posted by hazyspring at 1:49 PM on October 30, 2007

For example, I called her the other day and she didn't answer. I saw her online and she said "having a meltdown, can't talk" and then I started getting really worried. Finally, a day later she texted me saying that she was fine.

With people with mental health problems, sometimes their moods change so drastically that one day they are in crisis, and the next they really are fine.

Regarding what Softlord said - I think that's a little too quick to rush to judgment - not enough is known in this situation. If I may be a hypocrite and rush to judgment for a moment, reading that post made me think that softlord has his/her radar up, having been burned by an attention seeker in the past.

I think ClaudiaCenter has it right on. Keep on doing what you're doing... set boundaries if they're needed, and yeah, don't call her husband.
posted by IndigoRain at 2:25 PM on October 30, 2007

I don't think I'm going to call her husband because I don't have a close enough relationship with him.

Does he know that you have a close relationship with her? If he does, your common concern should be enough.
posted by lia at 3:51 PM on October 30, 2007

Sometime when she's in a good place, talk to her about her meltdowns. If she's open to you being of help, maybe you could work out some trigger phrases she can use to help you tell a mini-meltdown from a major-meltdown. I'm bipolar and have a variety of code words for my husband for my various mental swings: meltdown, panic attack, jangles, fog, etc. It helps because it's a shorthand way of me communicating what's going on. 'I have the jangles' is a lot easier than saying 'I'm excessively irritated by any sensory input so please listen to your music with earphones and don't do that thing where you lightly stroke my arm because it will make me scream.'

(However, if she's not open to you helping her when she's in a bad place, then none of the above applies--just be there when she comes out of it.)
posted by happyturtle at 5:30 PM on October 30, 2007

indigo: well, you're not wrong, but i'd say the percentage of those who put up away messages saying something along those lines as compared to those actaually having clinical meltdowns is pretty low.
posted by softlord at 5:49 PM on October 30, 2007

"Having a meltdown" seems like a cry for help, and it obviously worried you. Yeah, from a mentally healthy person that might not be a big deal, but she's not mentally healthy. I wouldn't necessarily call her husband now, but I might if a similar situation happens again.

Not to infantilize her, but calling her husband when you become worried for her welfare is a necessity. She needs a family member who is physically close to her to protect her and care for her when she cannot care for herself. Whether or not it's going to piss her off, whether or not it's going to be socially awkward.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 11:13 AM on October 31, 2007