Help a kid get over apprehension about the school bus
September 20, 2007 9:49 AM Subscribe
Tips for helping a 6th grader, new to riding school busses, enjoy (or at least, tolerate) the process?
My husband and I have recently taken in my niece. In addition to living with new people in a new house in a new state and city, she is attending a new school and will be riding the school bus.
My niece has expressed apprehension about getting kidnapped at the school bus stop and doesn't like to ride with the other kids who "swear and fight". I tried to calm her fears by suggesting that's what kids do when their parents aren't around, and was reassured that they're not bothering her. I suggested that she sit in the front of the bus where the rowdy kids aren't likely to be, but she's still really apprehensive about the whole process. Given what she's gone through so far in her young life (instability, insecurity, homelessness), I don't want to ignore her worries. Any tips to help her feel more secure as she takes this necessary step to teenhood?
[We are planning to get her a cell phone as a "security blanket" so she can call 911 if she needs to. We live less than 5 minutes from the stop, so she's not walking a long distance. The suburban neighborhood is affluent and family-friendly. She doesn't go home to an empty house; but my husband is often on work-related conference calls that can't be left unattended or forwarded to his cell, so he can't always pick her up from the stop. She has a map of how to get home, and we've driven and walked the route several times.]
My husband and I have recently taken in my niece. In addition to living with new people in a new house in a new state and city, she is attending a new school and will be riding the school bus.
My niece has expressed apprehension about getting kidnapped at the school bus stop and doesn't like to ride with the other kids who "swear and fight". I tried to calm her fears by suggesting that's what kids do when their parents aren't around, and was reassured that they're not bothering her. I suggested that she sit in the front of the bus where the rowdy kids aren't likely to be, but she's still really apprehensive about the whole process. Given what she's gone through so far in her young life (instability, insecurity, homelessness), I don't want to ignore her worries. Any tips to help her feel more secure as she takes this necessary step to teenhood?
[We are planning to get her a cell phone as a "security blanket" so she can call 911 if she needs to. We live less than 5 minutes from the stop, so she's not walking a long distance. The suburban neighborhood is affluent and family-friendly. She doesn't go home to an empty house; but my husband is often on work-related conference calls that can't be left unattended or forwarded to his cell, so he can't always pick her up from the stop. She has a map of how to get home, and we've driven and walked the route several times.]
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Is there an older, more experienced, but friendly child in the neighborhood you can introduce her to who will "show her the ropes", who she can wait with, who if she's scared she can chat with? But don't just throw her out there on her own - introduce her to the bus driver, to her teachers who will look for her when she gets to school, let her read books about other girls her age who take the bus as a part of every day life - I'm thinking of Beverly Cleary books (a little on the young side, but might be reassuring) or Anastasia Krupnik books (I think Anastasia is in 7th grade, and very independent). Let her read a book or color on the bus, or hang with the new friend from the neighborhood, and learn to tune out other kids when they bother her.
posted by bunnycup at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by bunnycup at 9:53 AM on September 20, 2007
In the absence of a friend keeping her company, could you not walk with her in the morning? If she doesn't want to seem like a baby who needs to be walked with, you could always just hang back a half block once she gets within range of the bus stop. That way, you'll be there and she won't feel like she could be kidnapped, but she won't get the ridicule from being labelled "a baby" (not that she is, but kids can be cruel, and it's hard enough starting a new school).
Also - get her an mp3 player to keep her occupied on the bus. It makes it easier to "ignore" the other kids she's not comfortable with. It's what I do to ignore the unsavory-type characters on public transit here, so it might work on the school bus as well.
posted by cgg at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2007
Also - get her an mp3 player to keep her occupied on the bus. It makes it easier to "ignore" the other kids she's not comfortable with. It's what I do to ignore the unsavory-type characters on public transit here, so it might work on the school bus as well.
posted by cgg at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2007
Is there another kid who lives in your neighborhood who rides the same bus? Is it feasible to introduce these kids and encourage them to look out for one another and walk partway home together?
I think knowing other kids will do a lot to lessen her anxiety. First, it gives her another human roughly her own age that she can talk to. Second, it gives her a buffer from the "other kids who 'swear and fight.'" And third, it gives a safety in numbers feeling as she gets on/off the bus.
I don't suppose you've considered what some martial arts classes might do both for her confidence/self-esteem and her fears of kidnappers? Such a class would also represent a stable, routine with at least one strong role model sensei and a chance to make friends within a structured environment. If this sounds like a good thing and you want advice selecting a discipline and dojo, please let me know, but otherwise I can recommend these guys.
posted by ilsa at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2007
I think knowing other kids will do a lot to lessen her anxiety. First, it gives her another human roughly her own age that she can talk to. Second, it gives her a buffer from the "other kids who 'swear and fight.'" And third, it gives a safety in numbers feeling as she gets on/off the bus.
I don't suppose you've considered what some martial arts classes might do both for her confidence/self-esteem and her fears of kidnappers? Such a class would also represent a stable, routine with at least one strong role model sensei and a chance to make friends within a structured environment. If this sounds like a good thing and you want advice selecting a discipline and dojo, please let me know, but otherwise I can recommend these guys.
posted by ilsa at 10:01 AM on September 20, 2007
What about an iPod so she can listen to her own music and tune out the rowdy kids?
Also, agree with Gael about helping her find a pal to share the experience with -- are there any girls on the street near her age that she could possibly become friendly with outside school hours, so that there is always a familiar face on the bus? Fortunately when it all becomes old hat, she will lose the anxiety over the new strange procedure, so ultimately this too shall pass.
The kidnapping fear might need some other attention; maybe reassuring her that your community is safe will be helpful. Can you maybe arrange for her to visit with a local police officer, who can explain how rare it is for kids to get kidnapped? Or maybe you could have her go through a kids' safety course, to learn about the basic stranger danger stuff.
My daughter is going through some similar transitions this year, so we got her a book called Staying Home Alone. It discusses latch-key kid stuff, like how to handle yourself between the last school bell and getting home, how to be safe with your housekey, learning where your safe spots are in your neighborhood, etc. It's written for a preteen girl demographic, so while the situations might not all apply directly to your niece, the tone of "You are a smart confident girl who can handle situations" might be comforting to her.
posted by pineapple at 10:03 AM on September 20, 2007
Also, agree with Gael about helping her find a pal to share the experience with -- are there any girls on the street near her age that she could possibly become friendly with outside school hours, so that there is always a familiar face on the bus? Fortunately when it all becomes old hat, she will lose the anxiety over the new strange procedure, so ultimately this too shall pass.
The kidnapping fear might need some other attention; maybe reassuring her that your community is safe will be helpful. Can you maybe arrange for her to visit with a local police officer, who can explain how rare it is for kids to get kidnapped? Or maybe you could have her go through a kids' safety course, to learn about the basic stranger danger stuff.
My daughter is going through some similar transitions this year, so we got her a book called Staying Home Alone. It discusses latch-key kid stuff, like how to handle yourself between the last school bell and getting home, how to be safe with your housekey, learning where your safe spots are in your neighborhood, etc. It's written for a preteen girl demographic, so while the situations might not all apply directly to your niece, the tone of "You are a smart confident girl who can handle situations" might be comforting to her.
posted by pineapple at 10:03 AM on September 20, 2007
Oh, and one more thing. Please check school policies on electronic devices before sending her with an mp3 player or cell phone. I think most schools these days probably allow such things *only* if they are turned off and put away during the day, but some schools aren't so reasonable. I would hate for her coping mechanisms to be confiscated.
posted by ilsa at 10:06 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by ilsa at 10:06 AM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: I have children that age. From what you've outlined she's had a lot to contend with and adjust to. In part her concerns (while certainly valid) may be an indication that "riding the school bus" is the only thing in her life she could possibly control.
Dealing with this directly (driving her to school) would be the fastest way to help her, although it may be inconvenient for you. Helping her feel in control of her life in some other way may help but it will take longer to have some positive effect.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 10:07 AM on September 20, 2007
Dealing with this directly (driving her to school) would be the fastest way to help her, although it may be inconvenient for you. Helping her feel in control of her life in some other way may help but it will take longer to have some positive effect.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 10:07 AM on September 20, 2007
Poor girl. I was scared to death the first time I rode the bus, and it was in the sixth grade, too. I take my kids to school myself because my husband felt the same way when he was a boy!
If you can find other kids in the area to mentor her in the way the above users have suggested, that would be great. Alternatively, though, is there any possibility of arranging a car pool in your neighborhood? If you or your husband could drive even once or twice a week, you might find other parents willing to take care of the remaining school days. Maybe I'm overprotective, but if the girl has been separated from her parents, I'm all for making her feel as secure as possible.
Also, if she does stay on the bus, although the ipod idea sounds great, be aware that lots of schools do not allow them and it could be taken from her if she even has it on her or in her backpack in the classroom.
posted by misha at 10:09 AM on September 20, 2007
If you can find other kids in the area to mentor her in the way the above users have suggested, that would be great. Alternatively, though, is there any possibility of arranging a car pool in your neighborhood? If you or your husband could drive even once or twice a week, you might find other parents willing to take care of the remaining school days. Maybe I'm overprotective, but if the girl has been separated from her parents, I'm all for making her feel as secure as possible.
Also, if she does stay on the bus, although the ipod idea sounds great, be aware that lots of schools do not allow them and it could be taken from her if she even has it on her or in her backpack in the classroom.
posted by misha at 10:09 AM on September 20, 2007
Is it possible for you to introduce her to at least some of the people who live along her route to the bus stop? It'd let her see that she's surrounded by good people, and she might feel more comfortable if she felt she could knock on any of their doors in a time of crisis.
She may also like having a whistle. It'd let her know that, if she ever needed it, she could make a whole lot of noise really quickly.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:13 AM on September 20, 2007
She may also like having a whistle. It'd let her know that, if she ever needed it, she could make a whole lot of noise really quickly.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:13 AM on September 20, 2007
She probably feels very alone on the bus. Once she makes a few friends it should be easier.
Also, 6th grade is a crappy time. If she is in a middle school, she is the lowest on the totem pole. I rode the bus in middle school with the other middle schools and the high schoolers without a car or friends with cars. It was torture being the youngest.
PS, no coloring books on the bus. Not cool in 6th grade.
posted by k8t at 10:16 AM on September 20, 2007
Also, 6th grade is a crappy time. If she is in a middle school, she is the lowest on the totem pole. I rode the bus in middle school with the other middle schools and the high schoolers without a car or friends with cars. It was torture being the youngest.
PS, no coloring books on the bus. Not cool in 6th grade.
posted by k8t at 10:16 AM on September 20, 2007
Seconding giving her a ride in the morning. The busride home is easier, because a kid can do homework in order to forge a bit of a zone around them, plus the other kids are wound up in a more celebratory way. The morning ride can be so grim. My husband and I both had bad bus experiences, so we've agreed that if we have kids, they won't have to ride the bus unless they request to.
posted by xo at 10:21 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by xo at 10:21 AM on September 20, 2007
Response by poster: Followup from the OP:
As a 30-something childless couple, we don't know any people in the neighborhood with kids. Is the hive mind suggesting that I walk over to a random girl at the bus stop and introduce my niece to her? Is it weird for me to stand out there amongst the kids? As an introvert, it would be uncomfortable for me to do so (not to mention possibly embarrassing for her!), but I'd be willing to try it if it's going to be helpful.
Or is there another way for us to meet kids in the neighborhood?
As for friends, she has none -- that's why we're insisting she ride the bus: we want her to meet kids in the neighborhood that she can play with and invite over.
I think I'll rearrange my work schedule to walk her to bus in the mornings. As it is now, I leave my house at 7am (50 minute commute); but if I wait with her at the bus, I'm leaving for work at 7:45.
posted by parilous at 10:24 AM on September 20, 2007
As a 30-something childless couple, we don't know any people in the neighborhood with kids. Is the hive mind suggesting that I walk over to a random girl at the bus stop and introduce my niece to her? Is it weird for me to stand out there amongst the kids? As an introvert, it would be uncomfortable for me to do so (not to mention possibly embarrassing for her!), but I'd be willing to try it if it's going to be helpful.
Or is there another way for us to meet kids in the neighborhood?
As for friends, she has none -- that's why we're insisting she ride the bus: we want her to meet kids in the neighborhood that she can play with and invite over.
I think I'll rearrange my work schedule to walk her to bus in the mornings. As it is now, I leave my house at 7am (50 minute commute); but if I wait with her at the bus, I'm leaving for work at 7:45.
posted by parilous at 10:24 AM on September 20, 2007
You need to check with any neighbors with kids to direct you to the pre-teen girls in the neighborhood. Neighbors with young kids will know because these girls may babysit for them.
posted by k8t at 10:36 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by k8t at 10:36 AM on September 20, 2007
I agree that talking to kids at a bus stop would be pretty awkward for you and your neice. I think your neice would have to talk to them herself for it not to come across as weird, and she has enough challenges.
Two ideas:
Call the school or the PTA. If you get someone nice on the phone, they could connect you with other families in the neighborhood with kids the right age.
Or, start asking your neighbors. You might not know neighbors with kids this age, but maybe your neighbors know of them.
Who knows, maybe you'll find someone you can share carpooling with or after-school stuff with. I spent most afternoons over my best friends house b/c her mother was home.
Good luck!
posted by tk at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2007
Two ideas:
Call the school or the PTA. If you get someone nice on the phone, they could connect you with other families in the neighborhood with kids the right age.
Or, start asking your neighbors. You might not know neighbors with kids this age, but maybe your neighbors know of them.
Who knows, maybe you'll find someone you can share carpooling with or after-school stuff with. I spent most afternoons over my best friends house b/c her mother was home.
Good luck!
posted by tk at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: we want her to meet kids in the neighborhood that she can play with and invite over
In my neighborhood, at least, bus stop friendliness came *after* the playing and inviting over. Adults don't generally befriend fellow commuters quickly, I don't think kids aren't that much different.
Does the school/parks and rec/some other organization sponsor any activities in which your niece might be interested? Might be a better way to get the socialization ball rolling.
On preview: Also, what tk said.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:48 AM on September 20, 2007
In my neighborhood, at least, bus stop friendliness came *after* the playing and inviting over. Adults don't generally befriend fellow commuters quickly, I don't think kids aren't that much different.
Does the school/parks and rec/some other organization sponsor any activities in which your niece might be interested? Might be a better way to get the socialization ball rolling.
On preview: Also, what tk said.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:48 AM on September 20, 2007
Is she in middle school or elementary school? This makes a BIG difference in how the bus ride is. In elementary school she'd be one of the oldest kids on the bus and they'll still have "safety patrol"--the kids who wear the orange belt things and hold flags while other kids walk across the road. In middle school she'd be one of the youngest kids and they won't have any helpers or anything...middle school buses are also significantly louder and more aggressive (although bus rides suck all around anyway).
Make sure she knows how to find the correct bus in the afternoon (this is not at all always obvious, especially for a kid).
I think it would be fine for you to walk over to random kids at the bus stop and introduce your niece. "We live in (the big blue house) and this is (parilous_niece)..." is a good way to start. Don't mention that it's her first time on the bus or that her living situation is in any way unusual. This early in the school year there may still be other parents (with younger kids) there, too. Or if your neighborhood is really...like mine, I guess...there may be parents, in their SUVs, who make a practice of driving their kids thirty feet to the bus stop every day.
The other way to meet people is Back to School Night, which may or may not have already happened, and PTA meetings... Depending on how long you're keeping your niece, you should expect to go to these things, and you should've gotten a calendar from the school.
(Oh, and if she's in elementary school remember that they need a signed note to do basically anything--including riding a different bus for a day or having a friend on their bus for a day, or even getting off at a different stop from the same bus... Like that time when my family was all going to be gone until late so they decided I should go home with a friend, but they didn't write a note, so I wasn't allowed to go anywhere but home, which was dark and lonely and frightening....)
posted by anaelith at 11:07 AM on September 20, 2007
Make sure she knows how to find the correct bus in the afternoon (this is not at all always obvious, especially for a kid).
I think it would be fine for you to walk over to random kids at the bus stop and introduce your niece. "We live in (the big blue house) and this is (parilous_niece)..." is a good way to start. Don't mention that it's her first time on the bus or that her living situation is in any way unusual. This early in the school year there may still be other parents (with younger kids) there, too. Or if your neighborhood is really...like mine, I guess...there may be parents, in their SUVs, who make a practice of driving their kids thirty feet to the bus stop every day.
The other way to meet people is Back to School Night, which may or may not have already happened, and PTA meetings... Depending on how long you're keeping your niece, you should expect to go to these things, and you should've gotten a calendar from the school.
(Oh, and if she's in elementary school remember that they need a signed note to do basically anything--including riding a different bus for a day or having a friend on their bus for a day, or even getting off at a different stop from the same bus... Like that time when my family was all going to be gone until late so they decided I should go home with a friend, but they didn't write a note, so I wasn't allowed to go anywhere but home, which was dark and lonely and frightening....)
posted by anaelith at 11:07 AM on September 20, 2007
Or is there another way for us to meet kids in the neighborhood?
Well, Labor Day is over, but how about hosting a neighborhood picnic to toast the end of summertime weather and beginning of fall. Give invitations to your neighbors, put a little note on there that you're especially excited to introduce your niece to the other kids in the neighborhood, and you'll include kid-friendly activities at the picnic for that purpose.
When you get the parents there and you see who has kids her age, you could ask them what THEY do to get the kids to school.
posted by bunnycup at 11:13 AM on September 20, 2007
Well, Labor Day is over, but how about hosting a neighborhood picnic to toast the end of summertime weather and beginning of fall. Give invitations to your neighbors, put a little note on there that you're especially excited to introduce your niece to the other kids in the neighborhood, and you'll include kid-friendly activities at the picnic for that purpose.
When you get the parents there and you see who has kids her age, you could ask them what THEY do to get the kids to school.
posted by bunnycup at 11:13 AM on September 20, 2007
Do NOT give her any kind of expensive and easily-stolen electronic device, other than a cell phone (these days most kids already have their own). If the other kids swear and fight and she's meek and has cool stuff, she probably won't have it for long.
The school bus is how I lost my Game Boy, along with my faith in the human race.
posted by yomimono at 11:14 AM on September 20, 2007 [3 favorites]
The school bus is how I lost my Game Boy, along with my faith in the human race.
posted by yomimono at 11:14 AM on September 20, 2007 [3 favorites]
I remember school bus rides being frightening mainly because they were so loud. Something to talk to her about.
Re: meeting other kids -- maybe a group like Girl Scouts or some other extracurricular activity? Or you could try throwing a party, invite all the neighborhood kids her age, and meeting the parents that way.
posted by amtho at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2007
Re: meeting other kids -- maybe a group like Girl Scouts or some other extracurricular activity? Or you could try throwing a party, invite all the neighborhood kids her age, and meeting the parents that way.
posted by amtho at 11:16 AM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: I started riding a middle school bus when I was in 4th grade, and it was a pretty traumatic experience. Lots of swearing and fighting, sexual harrassment, that sort of thing, and being younger than everyone else made it all worse. Things came to a head when I was in 5th grade, and an older girl threatened to get off the bus at my stop and beat me up. My parents reported the threats, and I ended up in a meeting with a kind (female) vice principal, who explained that my safety and security were the school's responsibility from the moment I got onto the bus to the moment I walked through my front door.* Having a school authority figure tell me about how important my safety was made me feel a lot better, like I wasn't alone and that I could get help if I ever needed it. Maybe you could set up a similar meeting with a guidance counselor or a vice principal, so your niece can hear first-hand that schools have a vested interest (lawsuits, liability, etc) in keeping kids safe on their way to and from school.
*As an adult, I realize that this is probably not the case, and that nice words aren't any kind of protection, but that's what she told me.
posted by junkbox at 11:19 AM on September 20, 2007
*As an adult, I realize that this is probably not the case, and that nice words aren't any kind of protection, but that's what she told me.
posted by junkbox at 11:19 AM on September 20, 2007
I started riding the bus in 9th grade. It sucked. I just did homework or read and tried to block out the noise. It's not a big deal.
posted by Autarky at 11:34 AM on September 20, 2007
posted by Autarky at 11:34 AM on September 20, 2007
You could make a deal to walk her to and from the bus for the first week or two, until she maybe settles in a little? Or maybe drop her at school early and let her take the bus home?
posted by sLevi at 1:14 PM on September 20, 2007
posted by sLevi at 1:14 PM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: Instead of an iPod, what about a comparatively inexpensive Sony Walkman Radio? I use mine all the time taking public transportation in LA, because on the off chance it gets stolen I can afford to replace it (unlike my iPod). (Those headphones are no good in my opinion, by the way.) She can even wear the headphones if she's not listening to the radio, as a way of deterring kids from trying to involve her in their ridiculousness.
I agree that it's unlikely she'd make friends on the bus, though of course it's not outside the realm of possibility. I wouldn't try to put any pressure on her to do this...it might just make her even more anxious.
As for fears about kidnapping, don't try to make them go away by telling her it's a safe neighborhood; stuff like that does happen, and not only in certain parts of the city/suburb. Can you help her learn about what to do if she were to be approached by a stranger? Help her get educated about how she would react in an emergency situation like that, and it might quell her fears. My dad was a police officer when I was growing up, and having him remind us about tactics would-be kidnappers might try, where/how to hit someone where it would do real damage, etc. did go a long way toward making me feel more secure in that sense.
I also remember there being safety presentations where we could get fingerprinted, and there was some sort of form parents could file with the local police/sheriff's department; strangely, it made me feel better to know that in the event somebody snatched me, there was information about me already available (I have no clue why this made me feel better, but it did).
I'm pretty sure I read all the time when I had to ride the bus (probably spent 10-11 years of suffering that way, all told, and yes I hated it). This didn't score me any cool points, but even at the worst times I could try to escape into what I was reading and it definitely helped.
Would emphasizing that the ride is only x minutes out of her day help? I probably wouldn't have been pacified by this at your niece's age, but it might have given me a way to put things into perspective when I was suffering through those bus rides.
posted by splendid animal at 1:19 PM on September 20, 2007
I agree that it's unlikely she'd make friends on the bus, though of course it's not outside the realm of possibility. I wouldn't try to put any pressure on her to do this...it might just make her even more anxious.
As for fears about kidnapping, don't try to make them go away by telling her it's a safe neighborhood; stuff like that does happen, and not only in certain parts of the city/suburb. Can you help her learn about what to do if she were to be approached by a stranger? Help her get educated about how she would react in an emergency situation like that, and it might quell her fears. My dad was a police officer when I was growing up, and having him remind us about tactics would-be kidnappers might try, where/how to hit someone where it would do real damage, etc. did go a long way toward making me feel more secure in that sense.
I also remember there being safety presentations where we could get fingerprinted, and there was some sort of form parents could file with the local police/sheriff's department; strangely, it made me feel better to know that in the event somebody snatched me, there was information about me already available (I have no clue why this made me feel better, but it did).
I'm pretty sure I read all the time when I had to ride the bus (probably spent 10-11 years of suffering that way, all told, and yes I hated it). This didn't score me any cool points, but even at the worst times I could try to escape into what I was reading and it definitely helped.
Would emphasizing that the ride is only x minutes out of her day help? I probably wouldn't have been pacified by this at your niece's age, but it might have given me a way to put things into perspective when I was suffering through those bus rides.
posted by splendid animal at 1:19 PM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: Riding the school bus was one of the worst experiences of middle school and high school career. It is horrible.
You generally don't make friends on the school bus. You're already friends with them and just happen to ride the same bus.
This is a great opportunity for you to get to know some neighbors with kids your neices age, regardless of the bus issue. Visit a few of the neighbors with kids, tell 'em you've just adopted (or whatever) your neice, etc.
But, note that you can't force friendship, especially in kids.
As for the bus issues, are seats assigned on her route? That helped a lot with some of the jackassery. If they are, ask the driver to assign her one of the front seats. If they're not, tell her to always sit in one of the first one or two seats.
Has she started riding the bus yet? If not, I really think it's okay for you to walk her to the stop the first day and introduce her and yourself to the bus driver. At least where I lived, you could NOT ride the bus if it wasn't your normal route unless you had a note from the school authorities saying it was okay. So introducing her as a new kid at school will serve two purposes: proving she's supposed to be on that route and being with her that first day.
It would be awesome if you could drive her to and from school every day, but usually that's just not possible (which is why they have buses). Also, can you assure her that if she ever misses the bus after school (it happens sometimes) you or your husband (or a neighbor) can pick her up?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:26 PM on September 20, 2007
You generally don't make friends on the school bus. You're already friends with them and just happen to ride the same bus.
This is a great opportunity for you to get to know some neighbors with kids your neices age, regardless of the bus issue. Visit a few of the neighbors with kids, tell 'em you've just adopted (or whatever) your neice, etc.
But, note that you can't force friendship, especially in kids.
As for the bus issues, are seats assigned on her route? That helped a lot with some of the jackassery. If they are, ask the driver to assign her one of the front seats. If they're not, tell her to always sit in one of the first one or two seats.
Has she started riding the bus yet? If not, I really think it's okay for you to walk her to the stop the first day and introduce her and yourself to the bus driver. At least where I lived, you could NOT ride the bus if it wasn't your normal route unless you had a note from the school authorities saying it was okay. So introducing her as a new kid at school will serve two purposes: proving she's supposed to be on that route and being with her that first day.
It would be awesome if you could drive her to and from school every day, but usually that's just not possible (which is why they have buses). Also, can you assure her that if she ever misses the bus after school (it happens sometimes) you or your husband (or a neighbor) can pick her up?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:26 PM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: Do NOT give her any kind of expensive and easily-stolen electronic device, other than a cell phone (these days most kids already have their own). If the other kids swear and fight and she's meek and has cool stuff, she probably won't have it for long.
This is really hardly likely to be an issue if the community is affluent and suburban. An iPod is less expensive than most of my daughter's friends' cell phones, and would barely register on the steal-worthy-o-meter.
Is the hive mind suggesting that I walk over to a random girl at the bus stop and introduce my niece to her? Is it weird for me to stand out there amongst the kids?
No, and yes. It's not weird pedophile-weird, it's weird in the "[Parilous' Niece] still needs a babysitter! Nanny nanny boo boo!" way. Agreed you could get away with it on the very first day she starts at school, but it sounds like that has passed already.
As for friends, she has none -- that's why we're insisting she ride the bus: we want her to meet kids in the neighborhood that she can play with and invite over.
I took the impression that the bus was a necessity for her daily transport. Now that I know it's not, I revise my opinion to say: don't force her to ride the bus in order to force socialization. Like gnomeloaf said, if you wanted to meet people, would you decide that the subway was the best place to make friends you could invite home? Yes, it's slightly different... but not by much. Not every kid in the neighborhood is worth meeting. Lots of the girls that she might want to eventually be friendly with could very well get rides to school, and she's already stated that the bus kids don't seem fun or nice.
Even a combination schedule would be better -- you drive her 2-3 days, she rides 2-3 days. Or you drive in the morning, she rides home because it's conducive to you and your husband's work needs.
If she needs help socializing, check out Y Princesses (which is a YMCA program that they might now call Adventure Guides), Rainbow Girls, Girl Scouts, or similar local clubs. Or, talk privately to her teachers and explain the situation, and ask that they assist you in discreetly identifying opportunities for your niece to get involved in an activity at school.
But I'm not sure that making her ride the bus if she finds it scary and lonely will have the effect you're seeking. It's different when a kid has no choice (I didn't; we grew up in a rural area and if you didn't ride the bus, you didn't get to school), because children are resilient and adaptive and find a way to deal with that which they can't change.
But if it's not absolutely necessary, maybe this is a place and time where you should give her extra comfort rather than trying the "sink or swim" technique. Lord knows there'll be enough times in the years to come where you don't have the choice.
And as you've clearly seen in this thread, people who hated their schoolbus years carry it with them for a long, long, long time.
p.s. Thanks for what you're doing, by the way. I'm sure that if you are taking the child in, it's because your home is the better option for her in some way, and it's really caring and generous of you to open your heart and your house to help her. It's cool that you're trying to do the right thing by her, and don't worry -- sixth grade is confusing for lots of parents, even those who got the kid from Day One. Email is in profile if you ever want.
posted by pineapple at 1:36 PM on September 20, 2007
This is really hardly likely to be an issue if the community is affluent and suburban. An iPod is less expensive than most of my daughter's friends' cell phones, and would barely register on the steal-worthy-o-meter.
Is the hive mind suggesting that I walk over to a random girl at the bus stop and introduce my niece to her? Is it weird for me to stand out there amongst the kids?
No, and yes. It's not weird pedophile-weird, it's weird in the "[Parilous' Niece] still needs a babysitter! Nanny nanny boo boo!" way. Agreed you could get away with it on the very first day she starts at school, but it sounds like that has passed already.
As for friends, she has none -- that's why we're insisting she ride the bus: we want her to meet kids in the neighborhood that she can play with and invite over.
I took the impression that the bus was a necessity for her daily transport. Now that I know it's not, I revise my opinion to say: don't force her to ride the bus in order to force socialization. Like gnomeloaf said, if you wanted to meet people, would you decide that the subway was the best place to make friends you could invite home? Yes, it's slightly different... but not by much. Not every kid in the neighborhood is worth meeting. Lots of the girls that she might want to eventually be friendly with could very well get rides to school, and she's already stated that the bus kids don't seem fun or nice.
Even a combination schedule would be better -- you drive her 2-3 days, she rides 2-3 days. Or you drive in the morning, she rides home because it's conducive to you and your husband's work needs.
If she needs help socializing, check out Y Princesses (which is a YMCA program that they might now call Adventure Guides), Rainbow Girls, Girl Scouts, or similar local clubs. Or, talk privately to her teachers and explain the situation, and ask that they assist you in discreetly identifying opportunities for your niece to get involved in an activity at school.
But I'm not sure that making her ride the bus if she finds it scary and lonely will have the effect you're seeking. It's different when a kid has no choice (I didn't; we grew up in a rural area and if you didn't ride the bus, you didn't get to school), because children are resilient and adaptive and find a way to deal with that which they can't change.
But if it's not absolutely necessary, maybe this is a place and time where you should give her extra comfort rather than trying the "sink or swim" technique. Lord knows there'll be enough times in the years to come where you don't have the choice.
And as you've clearly seen in this thread, people who hated their schoolbus years carry it with them for a long, long, long time.
p.s. Thanks for what you're doing, by the way. I'm sure that if you are taking the child in, it's because your home is the better option for her in some way, and it's really caring and generous of you to open your heart and your house to help her. It's cool that you're trying to do the right thing by her, and don't worry -- sixth grade is confusing for lots of parents, even those who got the kid from Day One. Email is in profile if you ever want.
posted by pineapple at 1:36 PM on September 20, 2007
It seems to me as though if she had a friend at school, even if that friend was on a different bus route, she'd be able to make it through the ride better, just knowing she'd see her friend when she got there. So, how can she make any friend at school?
My mom would always have me invite over whoever the new/transfer kids were. Do other parents have your contact info in case they want to invite your niece over for the afternoon? How about your niece inviting over a promising kid for homework or tv/games or some little thing for an hour or two after school? They ride there on the bus together (more fun) and then it's an easy enough drop-off across town after the day's work is done.
posted by xo at 1:53 PM on September 20, 2007
My mom would always have me invite over whoever the new/transfer kids were. Do other parents have your contact info in case they want to invite your niece over for the afternoon? How about your niece inviting over a promising kid for homework or tv/games or some little thing for an hour or two after school? They ride there on the bus together (more fun) and then it's an easy enough drop-off across town after the day's work is done.
posted by xo at 1:53 PM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: Being on the school bus will not help her make friends. If it is not necessary for her transportation, do not make her ride the school bus. She has been homeless? She's already been through enough. Especially while she is adjusting to a new school, a new town, a new home, and a new family, drive her to school or set up a friendly car pool. You can revisit the school bus issue later on if you need to once she's settled in, but right now, she needs to feel as secure as possible, and that means knowing that you take her concerns about safety and emotional security seriously. Drive her to school and let her make friends organically, through classes and extracurricular activities, the way that normal people do.
posted by decathecting at 2:39 PM on September 20, 2007
posted by decathecting at 2:39 PM on September 20, 2007
Response by poster: Response from OP:
Oh man -- Poor girl! I can see that my desire to help her get local friends is not going to be accomplished via the school bus trip. I didn't think about the parallel between commuting by mass transit and the school bus -- of course I never made friends on my commute! This was definitely the best piece of advice given, to remind me how adults and kids aren't that different when it comes to interacting with strangers and making friends.
I will see what I can do to arrange for a carpool. It wouldn't be so bad if the school wasn't 12 miles from home and 20 miles from my job -- but that's "surburban-on-the-edge-of-rural" life for you.
I will definitely keep taking her *to* school; that's a promise I will make to her. Getting her home will require a lot more coordination than I had anticipated. Who knows, though -- she may be tough enough not to care that much. I mean, the school bus seemed traumatic for most here, but how many have gone through what she has? The coping skills that she has developed surprise me every single day.
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions -- and to answer a few outstanding questions:
* she's still in elementary school;
* the school does not allow MP3 players (but allows cell phones if they're OFF and HIDDEN in their backpacks);
* it's too late to enroll her in after school programs (they're filled; this district started school on August 9th); and
* a martial arts class sounds like a great idea. I'm going to look into that immediately.
posted by parilous at 3:45 PM on September 20, 2007
Oh man -- Poor girl! I can see that my desire to help her get local friends is not going to be accomplished via the school bus trip. I didn't think about the parallel between commuting by mass transit and the school bus -- of course I never made friends on my commute! This was definitely the best piece of advice given, to remind me how adults and kids aren't that different when it comes to interacting with strangers and making friends.
I will see what I can do to arrange for a carpool. It wouldn't be so bad if the school wasn't 12 miles from home and 20 miles from my job -- but that's "surburban-on-the-edge-of-rural" life for you.
I will definitely keep taking her *to* school; that's a promise I will make to her. Getting her home will require a lot more coordination than I had anticipated. Who knows, though -- she may be tough enough not to care that much. I mean, the school bus seemed traumatic for most here, but how many have gone through what she has? The coping skills that she has developed surprise me every single day.
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions -- and to answer a few outstanding questions:
* she's still in elementary school;
* the school does not allow MP3 players (but allows cell phones if they're OFF and HIDDEN in their backpacks);
* it's too late to enroll her in after school programs (they're filled; this district started school on August 9th); and
* a martial arts class sounds like a great idea. I'm going to look into that immediately.
posted by parilous at 3:45 PM on September 20, 2007
I agree that talking to kids at a bus stop would be pretty awkward for you and your neice. I think your neice would have to talk to them herself for it not to come across as weird, and she has enough challenges.
Seriously, in 6th grade? It is totally fine for an adult to come down to the bus stop for the first few days. Maybe you will have to play the annoying grown-up, march down and gently force some introductions. I really don't think that would be out of line at all. Your niece can say, under her breath, to the other kids "My aunt is sooo dorky, she insisted on coming down to the bus stop with me." It would be weird if you came every day when other parents don't, but you can decide that after the first week and see how she's feeling.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:50 PM on September 20, 2007
Seriously, in 6th grade? It is totally fine for an adult to come down to the bus stop for the first few days. Maybe you will have to play the annoying grown-up, march down and gently force some introductions. I really don't think that would be out of line at all. Your niece can say, under her breath, to the other kids "My aunt is sooo dorky, she insisted on coming down to the bus stop with me." It would be weird if you came every day when other parents don't, but you can decide that after the first week and see how she's feeling.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:50 PM on September 20, 2007
Also remember that there might not be any other 6th graders on her route. It could be mostly younger kids.
(Might make sense to go down to the bus stop the first few days and see who's there, maybe meet the driver)
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:53 PM on September 20, 2007
(Might make sense to go down to the bus stop the first few days and see who's there, maybe meet the driver)
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:53 PM on September 20, 2007
Well I don't have anything else to say because I think everyone covered it, but just wanted to pop in and tell the OP that I think it's awesome that you're taking in your niece and being attentive to her needs and concerns. She is very lucky to have family like you.
posted by radioamy at 4:06 PM on September 20, 2007
posted by radioamy at 4:06 PM on September 20, 2007
Honestly, HONESTLY, give it a few weeks. Fourth graders are resilient. She'll make friends on her own, on accident, whether she's trying or not. They may or may not ride her bus. Grinding "You need to make some friends and meet some new people" is not going to help. Send her off to the stop in the morning after a nice breakfast, and say "Hey hon!" when she walks in the door in the afternoon.
I think that taking this away from her is NOT giving her control, it's really taking it AWAY from her, it's giving her one more thing that she doesn't get to think about, or for that matter, *have* to think about.
It's OK that she's going to have trouble. It's OK that she'll cry in her new environment. It's GREAT that you actually care enough that you won't know fuckall what to do about it that you're scared.
Seriously, if you want her to learn to grow and learn what families are and do, it's perfectly acceptable for her to learn early on that she won't always get to do what she WANTS to do, and that just because she's had things a little rough that doesn't mean that you're going to rob her of all the challenges she'll face. Just like I've said before, she doesn't need *excuses*, she doesn't need *choices*, she needs expectations and the understanding of the cause/effect relationship that IS, or SHOULD BE living in a family.
posted by TomMelee at 6:47 PM on September 20, 2007
I think that taking this away from her is NOT giving her control, it's really taking it AWAY from her, it's giving her one more thing that she doesn't get to think about, or for that matter, *have* to think about.
It's OK that she's going to have trouble. It's OK that she'll cry in her new environment. It's GREAT that you actually care enough that you won't know fuckall what to do about it that you're scared.
Seriously, if you want her to learn to grow and learn what families are and do, it's perfectly acceptable for her to learn early on that she won't always get to do what she WANTS to do, and that just because she's had things a little rough that doesn't mean that you're going to rob her of all the challenges she'll face. Just like I've said before, she doesn't need *excuses*, she doesn't need *choices*, she needs expectations and the understanding of the cause/effect relationship that IS, or SHOULD BE living in a family.
posted by TomMelee at 6:47 PM on September 20, 2007
Best answer: I would like to just contradict all the people who think it's impossible to make friends on the bus. I still feel deep affinity for the other kids who rode LA School Bus 5659.
This may have been because the ride was an hour and fifteen minutes each way for me (thus, I spent more time with some of these kids than I did with my family at some times of the year), but I had some really amazing conversations with kids on the bus. Some of them played instruments and would get them out and jam. One time the kids in the back of the bus each brought an ingredient for lemonade. I daresay most of the people I'm in touch with from high school (I graduated from college in June) rode my school bus.
I'd say there was one person on that bus who I considered a friend before I started riding. Maybe that is all your niece needs. My little sister made her first friend of middle school on the bus, so it could be the case that she'll come home one day with a new bus buddy.
I'm really surprised that all these people think the bus was so bad! I guess maybe for shorter rides you don't have the sense of community develop so much, but I think my little sister's ride was about half an hour and she still made friends. It can be done.
If not, she'll probably get more recreational reading done on the bus than she ever will again in her life. 2.5 hours out of every weekday is a hell of a commute, but that said, there are times I really miss my high school bus.
posted by crinklebat at 7:11 AM on September 21, 2007
This may have been because the ride was an hour and fifteen minutes each way for me (thus, I spent more time with some of these kids than I did with my family at some times of the year), but I had some really amazing conversations with kids on the bus. Some of them played instruments and would get them out and jam. One time the kids in the back of the bus each brought an ingredient for lemonade. I daresay most of the people I'm in touch with from high school (I graduated from college in June) rode my school bus.
I'd say there was one person on that bus who I considered a friend before I started riding. Maybe that is all your niece needs. My little sister made her first friend of middle school on the bus, so it could be the case that she'll come home one day with a new bus buddy.
I'm really surprised that all these people think the bus was so bad! I guess maybe for shorter rides you don't have the sense of community develop so much, but I think my little sister's ride was about half an hour and she still made friends. It can be done.
If not, she'll probably get more recreational reading done on the bus than she ever will again in her life. 2.5 hours out of every weekday is a hell of a commute, but that said, there are times I really miss my high school bus.
posted by crinklebat at 7:11 AM on September 21, 2007
Response by poster: Well, thanks, Crinklebat -- I was getting worried that I was scarring her for life by having her rid the bus home. It's less than 30 minutes for her each way and shouldn't be intolerable. It would be very inconvenient for us to pick her up from school because her school is 13+ miles from either of us -- it's not just around the corner. I was looking into having a friend of mine pick her up (she lives slightly closer to the school, about 8 miles, but in a different school district), which may have grown into an imposition.
I'll keep taking her to school for now and letting her ride the bus home, but now I'm always late for work. Maybe I'll be able to work out something in the future with carpools or whatnot.
posted by parilous at 3:39 PM on September 21, 2007
I'll keep taking her to school for now and letting her ride the bus home, but now I'm always late for work. Maybe I'll be able to work out something in the future with carpools or whatnot.
posted by parilous at 3:39 PM on September 21, 2007
Response by poster: Update from the OP: Niece is riding the bus home, but I'm still taking her to school. She sits at the front and while she doesn't like to ride the bus, she's not as apprehensive anymore. She also has a cell phone. I worry about next year (which will be filled with middle school kids), but think that we'll have the same arrangement. Husband suggested that she take the bus both ways, but it's fairly convenient for me to drop her off for the time being. Middle school starts classes after 8am, though, so we'll have to think of other arrangements when we get to this point.
She has not made any friends on the bus, and simply reads (i.e., looks at her Pokemon book).
posted by parilous at 3:02 PM on October 4, 2007
She has not made any friends on the bus, and simply reads (i.e., looks at her Pokemon book).
posted by parilous at 3:02 PM on October 4, 2007
Just to nth the idea of Girl Scouts as a way of both making neighbourhood friends and building confidence.
posted by Idcoytco at 12:37 AM on October 5, 2007
posted by Idcoytco at 12:37 AM on October 5, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by GaelFC at 9:52 AM on September 20, 2007