Co-worker with odd fixation on my previous relationships...only when new beaux is around, am I correct in my read of this?

August 13, 2007 5:26 AM

Awkwardness v. Maliciousness: Am I correct in thinking that it is *way* impolite for a longtime (male) co-worker to bring up the subject of my particular past ex-girlfriends during happy-hours/dinners that include my current (well, 2 yrs now) girlfriend?

The kicker here is that said co-worker, who is not what I would describe as socially clueless, *never* brings up my prior relationships in private conversation, only when my wonderful new beau is at the dinner table. I've always thought it was somewhat odd, tried to just ignore it, but now my beau tells me she's found it quite offensive.

I'm contemplating a frank and not particularly friendly confrontation next time it occurs (or if I have a chance to do so privately, which is rare), but since this is a work/colleague situation, that could do me long-term career damage that I may not want to tempt. I'm just curious if I reading of this situation matches the experience of others in being a bona fide instance of baiting/harassment, versus...I'm not sure what. Your thoughts/experiences much appreciated, dear internet(s).

[In case it matters, we're all in our mid-30s, and somewhat associated with humanities-centric academic-like pursuits and organizations (i.e., uber-competitive orgs with no one making any serious cash). Otherwise I would describe us all as fairly left-leaning and quite friendly. Also, the co-worker has never had "a thing" for my beaux, as far as I could ever tell (and I believe I could tell)...co-worker is safely married with children to seemingly wonderful spouse.]

posted by anonymous to human relations (33 answers total)

Before you go the "not particularly friendly confrontation route," how about just saying in a calm way, "hey, could you please not mention my ex?" If this happened to me, I'd just assume that having my current girlfriend around remined my coworker of my ex, nothing more malicious than that. (You might also consider that your girlfriend's inability to abide by third-party mentions of your exes is her own personal idiosyncracy, not something that other people would automatically know.)
posted by footnote at 5:51 AM on August 13, 2007

Next time he does it, simply change the subject. If he persists, have the gf laugh and say, " Don't you think that's rude to talk about in front of ME?"
posted by konolia at 5:53 AM on August 13, 2007

sounds to me like you're over-thinking this. just tell him to back off next time it happens. there'll be an uncomfortable pause, someone will change the subject, and life will continue.
posted by andrew cooke at 5:53 AM on August 13, 2007

It's lame. He may not realize it's lame. I'd suggest a frank and friendly confrontation—something as simple but unmistakable as "Bob, can we not rehash my relationship history? It makes both of us uncomfortable, and I wish you wouldn't. I appreciate it."

He may have no idea you're upset about it, in which case getting upset at him about of it (apparently, to him, out of the blue) will likely hurt him or make him feel defensive, neither of which are going to make it easier for him to happily change his behavior.
posted by cortex at 5:54 AM on August 13, 2007

Sounds to me like your colleague either likes your girlfriend - maybe fancies her, maybe just plain likes her or likes you more than you might think.

He knocks you to make himself look better/stronger than or closer/chummier with you than might otherwise be the case.

I mention it only because this is exactly the kind of dumb-ass male thing that I'd do. :) These are exactly the kinds of emotions that it's hard for men to express in social situations.
posted by Jofus at 5:58 AM on August 13, 2007

i think it's teasing, in poor taste.
teasing you.

i also think the easiest thing is to tell your current squeeze that this person is a prat and that he will do this to get at you, and that you beg said squeeze to ignore his jibes for career reasons.

if your squeeze can't abide references to your previous squeezes she can avoid him, avoid the soirees or say something playful to the effect that "i would really prefer to think that i was the first love of anonymous's life so let's not mention his/her previous assignations"...

some people are just crass and clueless.
i fear that in my youth, i may have been someone guilty of such idiocy too.

really, don't approach this person... these things never wendell.


good luck lovie.
posted by taff at 5:59 AM on August 13, 2007

weird. if he's otherwise not a crude buffoon, he probably just has no idea that he's hitting a nerve. maybe he has some unresolved anxiety about his own relationship or feelings for your past ladyfriend or something that is coming out when the drinks flow, but it doesn't sound malicious, although it is obviously hurtful.

i'm actually a fan of email in these situations, where things are awkward and yet you still want a friendly resolution. without a face-to-face, you can communicate the information and yet pretend it never happened. maybe it's a social crutch, i don't know. but this is sort of in the same general category as telling someone they might consider stronger deodorant, or something like that. they'll be embarrassed when their flaw is pointed out, and will appreciate the privacy of receiving the information in email.

anyway, proximity is key--unless it happened last night, you'll have to wait for it to happen again, then immediately send a nice but serious email (well, sober up first, but within 24 hours) saying, "hey, dude, i noticed you've been bringing up the subject of lucy a lot lately. i've closed that chapter in my life and mindy finds it uncomfortable, so i would appreciate it if we left that subject in the vault from now on. no hard feelings--just wanted to give you a heads-up because we both like you and want to keep hanging out. sorry if this is weird, but we figured you didn't mean any harm. thanks."

or whatever diction you tend to use. i would keep it casual, though. good luck! i am curious to read other suggestions...
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:00 AM on August 13, 2007

It sounds pretty messed up and possibly malicious to me, but I would agree that you should just calmly ask to him to quit mentioning your past.

also, your question was a mite confusing for a second as "beau" refers to a male, just FYI.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:03 AM on August 13, 2007

I think it's rude and based upon the fact that he's only doing it in front of your GF, it seems like it's a deliberate (although likely subconscious on his part) attempt to needle you.
I also disagree with footnote's hinting that it's your girlfriend's problem. It doesn't strike me as a jealousy issue from her end, more of a "WTF is this guy's problem?"

I would suggest having a quick, friendly word with him before the next social gathering. Something like "Hey, you seem to always be bringing up my exes in front of Current GF. Could you not do that? It's awkward for her and me. Thanks."
posted by emd3737 at 6:06 AM on August 13, 2007

I like cortex's suggestion of the simple, direct approach. That way you're on the record with him, being straightforward and telling him you want him to stop. Do it calmly, the next time it happens, and without a lot of drama. If it happens again after that, just look him right in the eye and say, "Wow." Pause for a long uncomfortable moment and then change the subject. I think that will let him and everyone else there know that he just said something inappropriate, you're acknowledging that, and you're moving on. That "Wow" line works for me whenever someone says something stupid, baiting or just out of line. It lets the other person know you heard it, you didn't much like it, and you are above grubbing in the dirt with them over it.
posted by Kangaroo at 6:10 AM on August 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

‘Beau’ is a term for a man. Your girlfriend isn’t one.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 6:31 AM on August 13, 2007

She's probably a "belle." Your collegue is a "dickweed."
posted by Phred182 at 6:33 AM on August 13, 2007 [6 favorites]

Oh, there's no way to be positive that he's being a jerk about it because the way you've described it is so vague. Does he keep mentioning that alot of your previous relationships die around 2 years? Does he rattle off a long list of names of people you've slept with, intimating that you're kind of a slut? Or does he just recount stories without editing out old girlfriends' names?

It doesn't really matter though, if you want him to stop he should be able to stop. I'd say something like "Hey, could you stop bringing up my ex-girlfriends when you're out with me and my girlfriend?" If/When he says "Why?", you counter with "Because I'm asking you to, as a friend." I use this wording when I don't want to get into a debate about something (in this case, whether it's okay or not to talk about someone's ex's or not). Whether or not it's acceptable behavior is beside the point, he should still be able to stop doing it.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:37 AM on August 13, 2007

I like thinkingwoman's approach. Or, in person, "Hey, what's with your obsession with lucy? you mentioned her again last night." I'd do it when Mindy's not around, either way, to minimize the somewhat unavoidable awkwardness.
posted by salvia at 6:46 AM on August 13, 2007

Well, I wouldn't use the word "obsession" since that would put him on the defensive.
posted by smackfu at 6:51 AM on August 13, 2007

I strongly suggest you talk (in person) to him about it privately. If this is a work situation, do not confront him publicly except as a last resort and do not attempt to resolve it over email. You want to get your message across in as clear and simple a way as possible without escalation of bad feelings. If you confront him in a group of co-workers/bosses he will feel that you humiliated him, thus escalating. If you send an email, it is a delicate subject and likely to be misinterpreted. Also, once you send the emaili its own of your control and able to be forwarded anywhere. Your best bet is a quiet conversation as you grab a cup of coffee together, or a smoking break (or equivlaent).
posted by zia at 6:58 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Agree with zia. Face-to-face will also let you immediately judge his reaction to this.

I also think that it could really be an innocent mistake (barring missing key information from your post). At two years, I would assume that you and your girlfriend are comfortable with each others' pasts. If he was good friends with your ex, it wouldn't be out of order for him to bring her up. But without context, who knows? Again, bringing it up in person is best.
posted by FuManchu at 7:24 AM on August 13, 2007

I had a friend who did this a lot at the start of my current relationship. In my case, I know it wasn't malicious, but it definitely was awkward. When I confronted him about it, he couldn't really see why it was inappropriate, but he agreed to stop anyway. Just explain to him in private that you don't want to talk about your exes in front of your new 'beau,' and good luck resolving those gender issues.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:29 AM on August 13, 2007

I can imagine situations where it is within the realm of reasonable comments and you're being oversensitive, and situations where it is inappropriate and he's being a jerk; without context, it's impossible to tell.

To the extent it makes you or your gf (who's not a "beau," incidentally) uncomfortable, ask him politely not to do it before getting confrontational.
posted by commander_cool at 7:33 AM on August 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

One of my best friends in the world once told my GF that I'd very likely never love her as much as a certain ex, described as my one-in-a-million. I found out and told him that I'd not be speaking to him again and why, and I haven't. He never seemed to understand. Messing with someone's love life like that is just as reprehensible as cheating on someone, even if it is just because someone doesn't know any better. It's been ten years since that evening and those words still surface in my (now) wife's mind on occasion, despite her knowing better.

People don't know the damage that they do. Fuck that guy. Let him have it. It very well may be painful lesson for him to learn, but such is life.
posted by n9 at 7:39 AM on August 13, 2007

I think this is known as "cockblocking". It's not cool. He's probably a little jealous of your current relaionship and is trying, perhaps subconsciously, to undermine it.
posted by cosmicbandito at 7:48 AM on August 13, 2007

I'd have the offsite (not in front of GF), very polite, doing-you-a-favor conversation of, "Talking about my ex-relationships-- or anyone's-- in front of current honies demonstrates either stupidity or maliciousness. If you're not going for either of the two, don't do it."

Then, if he does, end the relationship. 'Cause really, the above is true.
posted by Arch1 at 7:51 AM on August 13, 2007

One of my fiance's "friends" does this whenever we all get together. Also, from the first time I've ever met this friend, he's insulted my fiance in front of me in ways he apparently doesn't when I'm around. It's definitely offensive to me, but only serves to make his friend look like a jerk. I've called him an asshole to his face when he's done it. It hasn't stopped it one bit. Anymore I just grit my teeth and put up with it.

I believe it's a passive-aggressive thing. I don't think that his friend has any specific interest in *me*, but I do believe he wishes he could be in a similar relationship. I've talked about it with my fiance and he kind of believes there's a certain amount of jealousy involved. Somewhere he's thinking, "why should something good happen to him? Why not to me?"

Your coworker may be married with children to a wonderful spouse, and he may wish that he could be in your position instead.
posted by FortyT-wo at 7:55 AM on August 13, 2007

'Beau' or 'beaux' (which is the plural of 'beau') is a term for men. Your girlfriend is your 'belle'.

Like others have said, he's being passive-agressive. Your coworker wants to break you and your girlfriend up. Or at least, make himself look favourable in comparison to you. Or, feels jealous of your girlfriend and doesn't want her around during your social time with him, and is therefore trying to make her uncomfortable. Pretend you don't realise any of this, and that instead, you just find it uncomfortable. Casually bring it up and ask him to stop, in that 'joking around guy' kind of way that doesn't turn it into a 'serious conversation.'
posted by Kololo at 8:46 AM on August 13, 2007

He's jealous of you and is being a twat. He may be clueless rather than malicious, though.

I agree that a good start is a casual "what's with mentioning [ex] name all the time in front of [current]? It's kind of weird." If he persists after this, he's no longer clueless, and you can ramp up your objections to "no, really, quit it."

Footnote, there's quite a large range between "pretending that your friends and coworkers had no personal life" and the situation as described -- repeated references to ex-girlfriends in the company of the current. Sure, if he runs into ex-girlfriend-Judy he can mention it, but at this point, the former romantic relationship is irrelevant. Repeatedly referring to these exes is being dismissive of anonymous's girlfriend of two years.
posted by desuetude at 9:21 AM on August 13, 2007

I think you should handle your friend as gently as you can; I believe cortex is right that he is probably not aware he's doing it, and he could be very embarrassed when he does finally realize how he's been behaving.

I imagine he is unconsciously trying to work something out in his own life. His actions and his family circumstances fit into a scenario in which he met his wife and got married without ever having much of a chance to play the field, and seeing you with a succession of girlfriends reminds him uncomfortably of this fact, and his wistfulness about the life he never got to lead causes him to stray across the line defining appropriate conversation.

I would try to give him an opportunity to get whatever is bothering him up into consciousness by asking him, someday when the two of you are alone and there's time to talk, how he met his wonderful wife and what their courtship was like. You could even go so far as to ask him how his wife felt about his previous girlfriends.

If that isn't enough to wake him up, then you can proceed to a more direct approach.
posted by jamjam at 9:44 AM on August 13, 2007

Footnote, there's quite a large range between "pretending that your friends and coworkers had no personal life" and the situation as described -- repeated references to ex-girlfriends in the company of the current.

I guess I'm just in the minority here, because I wouldn't be fazed by "repeated references to ex-girlfriends" unless they were totally over the top. You may have the right to ask your own beau to indulge you by not mentioning his exes, but it's a little too much to demand that third parties do the same. This might come across as facilitating whininess and insecurity, something you might not want to project in a professional setting.
posted by footnote at 10:17 AM on August 13, 2007

Repeatedly referring to these exes is being dismissive of anonymous's girlfriend of two years.

How is the mentioning of ex-relationships dismissive to the current one? I'm asking in earnest, because like footnote, I'm in the minority that wouldn't mind hearing about ex-relationships unless the stories were over the top (like the storyteller was just trying to make me feel bad).
posted by 23skidoo at 12:22 PM on August 13, 2007

Maybe your co-worker has some bizarre notion that mentioning your ex makes you more manly and desirable. In any case, whether or not it's a big deal to anyone here doesn't matter: your girlfriend is bothered by it. Politely ask your co-worker not to mention your ex in the company of your girlfriend. Or spend less time in his company.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:45 PM on August 13, 2007

I guess I'm just in the minority here, because I wouldn't be fazed by "repeated references to ex-girlfriends" unless they were totally over the top.

Well, we don't really know how he's doing it, since anonymous didn't say, but I think many of us are assuming he's doing it in an assholish way, given that it's an issue at all. Plus the fact that he only does it in front of Girlfriend makes it seem more likely that he's being a jerk and not just mentioning anonymous's exes in passing.

Although, I can think of one innocuous reason for this. If most of the "social" time (or "social time involving alcohol") that anonymous and Co-worker spend together also involves Girlfriend, then it might not be that Co-worker is mentioning anonymous's exes because Girlfriend is there, but just because he only mentions more personal stuff outside of work and work-related things. Or in a smaller group. Maybe.
posted by Many bubbles at 3:25 PM on August 13, 2007

How is the mentioning of ex-relationships dismissive to the current one?

Because anonymous has been with his current girlfriend for two years. At some point, tactless starts to sound more like disrespect when someone keeps going on about the past girlfriends. Makes it seem as if co-worker doesn't think current girlfriend is sticking around.

/There's a lot of nuance and context that we can't possibly get from an anonymous question, obviously. I can imagine plenty of clueless co-workers doing this in an annoying/odd way, though.
posted by desuetude at 6:16 AM on August 14, 2007

Have you ever been happy for a friend, and it inspired you to tease the living shit right out of him or her? No? Oh, well, um, it happens.

Two years. But the guy just loves to mention your ex. Is this guy perhaps think of himself more of a friend than you yourself do? I don't mean that in any romantic sense. He is reminding her that he has known the poster longer than she has, while teasing at the same time. Just a different view. I know I've teased friends in front of their g/bfs.
posted by Goofyy at 12:43 PM on August 16, 2007

Mmm, perhaps make his wife aware of it somehow... she may not regard his obsession very highly either. And will likely be the most successful at inspiring him to watch his tongue.

Or perhaps whatever he mentions might remind you of anecdotes of his? It is acceptable casual conversation after all. He has no such tales, Oh! Wait a moment your mistake... Figure out his motivation and customize your response accordingly. It's some kind of jealousy... hardly admirable and inflicting negativity upon others far from.. advisable.

He uses these tactics and I promise you he will recognize them. Stay under the cover of innocence to save face but more importantly avoid being construed as the villain in this new scenario.

Manipulation is not very kind now is it?

(As you might've guessed things of this nature really fucking irk me no end. When the mix is right it is simply soulcrushing.)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 5:13 PM on September 13, 2007