I'm sure Homer has said great things.

May 17, 2007 11:52 PM

Help me with a Homer Simpson-esque quote for a keynote speech! (Please.)

I am giving a keynote speech to about a thousand people very very soon. I am writing said speech right now. The tone of the whole thing is pretty casual and funny and hopefully inspiring. The beginning of the speech, I send up the cliches of graduation speeches with their overused quotations from old dead guys and that 'go into the world young man' attitude. I then go into what I think is practical advice. I would like to end coming back to a quirky inspirational quote from something completely pop-culture and unexpected, like Homer, or Stewie, or South Park or Spiderman or something like that. So the end would be something like: "Seemingly an inspirational quote from old dead writer - Homer Simpson, Season 5." And maybe some laughs, and then I congratulate them and boot off the stage, taking care not to trip on the damn gown. Anyway, any suggestions for a quote like that?

posted by typewriter to writing & language (31 comments total)

Oh yes, my original question, if that is useful for context.
posted by typewriter at 11:56 PM on May 17, 2007

Well, not great, but sort of inspirational, in a Homer-esque way:

"I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?"

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man.
Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you."

--all Homer Simpson
posted by frobozz at 12:25 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

The most striking bit of (a)motivational advice Homer ever gave, from episode 1F16:

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."
posted by cortex at 12:25 AM on May 18, 2007

Here's another: (frobozz beat me to the others)

"Stupid risks make life worth living."
posted by thebrokedown at 12:26 AM on May 18, 2007

Alcohol: The cause and solution to all of lifes problems.
posted by seanyboy at 12:29 AM on May 18, 2007

One more:

"When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar."

-Ralph Wiggum
posted by frobozz at 12:39 AM on May 18, 2007

I hope I didn't brain my damage!

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. [7F11]

So ok, maybe the 1st one won't work. Actual text copied from this site.
posted by Cog at 12:40 AM on May 18, 2007

"I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business." -Burns
"Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?" - Homer
"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here." - Homer
posted by arruns at 12:40 AM on May 18, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Hmm...does anyone else think these quotes are more self-revealing than anyone would like to admit?
posted by Cog at 12:42 AM on May 18, 2007

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
posted by jimmythefish at 12:44 AM on May 18, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Clearly beaten to the buzzer on Homer quotes, you guys are on the ball. My money's on Cortex's.

Here's two from Fry:
"It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also, he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?"

"People said I was dumb. But I proved them!"
posted by churl at 12:49 AM on May 18, 2007

My favorite Futurama quote is: "When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all" which is what "God" says to Bender in 3ACV20.
posted by mge at 1:53 AM on May 18, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Not sure if it applies, but a favorite Homer quote:

"Ah, donuts...is there anything they can't do?"
posted by zardoz at 2:55 AM on May 18, 2007

[Homerpalooza] "But most of all, I remember the music..." Homer and Barney, in Homer's room, butcher "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing", when Abe interrupts them. "What the hell are you two doing?" "It's called rockin' out," replies Barney, and Homer tells Abe he wouldn't understand 'cause he's not "with it".

Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

He warns them, "It'll happen to you." But teen Homer denies the undeniable, and looks at the mirror: "We're gonna keep on rockin' forever... forever... forever..." Fade-in to adult Homer, looking at his reflection, and realizing those words have lost their meaning.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:57 AM on May 18, 2007

It is said that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God....Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best. - Edmund Blackadder (Series 2, Episode 5)

"A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn." - Blackadder 3
posted by Jakey at 3:24 AM on May 18, 2007

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"

On second thought, maybe not ...
posted by RavinDave at 3:27 AM on May 18, 2007

Give them this quote from BC's Odyssey, but deliver it in AD's voice, growing gradually slower and quieter:

There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for s l e e p .

posted by rob511 at 3:28 AM on May 18, 2007

Similar to Cortex's quote but more succinct:
"Trying is the first step towards failure"
-- H. Simpson.

Is this the sort of thing you were looking for or are we on the wrong track?
posted by puddpunk at 4:02 AM on May 18, 2007

Homer: There are three ways to do things - the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way

Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?

Homer: Yeah but faster!
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:08 AM on May 18, 2007

If you have lots of time, there's always WikiQuote, where you can search at your leisure for Simpsons, Futurama, Arrested Development, South Park, Family Guy, etc. quotes.
posted by mckenney at 5:03 AM on May 18, 2007

"The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:24 AM on May 18, 2007

"Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
posted by lampoil at 5:59 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

One of my favorite Simpson quotes:

Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called City Fathers who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:34 AM on May 18, 2007

"If you don't like your job, just do it really half-assed. It's the American way, Lisa!"
posted by toastchee at 6:39 AM on May 18, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thanks. These are hilarious! I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet...The sad part is the joke only really works with one quote...or I might be able to swing three, if they all come from Homer...Please keep'em coming, if you feel so inclined!
posted by typewriter at 7:01 AM on May 18, 2007

The ultimate graduation speech quote is from Herman Blume in Rushmore:

"You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."
posted by ND¢ at 7:23 AM on May 18, 2007

I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, S-M-R-T!
(you have to sing this)
posted by iamkimiam at 7:33 AM on May 18, 2007

From my youth, the inspiration for the rest of my life, sadly:

Tripper [Bill Murray]: And even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child joined hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or if we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

Rest of group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...

(From Meatballs).


I can't say if my life has been enriched these last 40 years by having the motto "It just doesn't matter", but it's been fun.
posted by The Bellman at 8:32 AM on May 18, 2007

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you."

"Stupid risks make life worth living."

“When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

“If at first you don't succeed, give up.”

“If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”

all homer jay simpson
posted by pinksoftsoap at 10:57 AM on May 18, 2007

and since i'm bored at work and a big Simpsons fan, i'll google and post some more quotes..

"Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!"

"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."

"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing."
posted by pinksoftsoap at 11:20 AM on May 18, 2007

Another great quote from The Simpsons. Kodos pretending to be Bill Clinton:

"My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"
posted by Kattullus at 1:08 PM on May 18, 2007