Does this guy like me or what?! (part deux)
May 11, 2007 11:45 AM Subscribe
A follow-up to my question last week about why a guy I am quasi-dating hasn't kissed me yet... Well I went ahead and asked him what was going on, and now I have no idea how to proceed in light of his answer.
(Sorry, I don't know how to link the old thread, but here it is: http://ask.metafilter.com/62080/So-does-this-guy-like-me-or-what)
So this guy I’ve had a crush on the past few weeks has continued to take me out to bars and a couple parties. Last night was date #5 and yet, still no moves made. We had a great time, there was flirting, yadda yadda, same as last time, no kissing. Having been given so much excellent advice on how to proceed by the ask.metafilter community, I finally went ahead and kissed him briefly on the lips in response to his body language: leaning towards me seductively, flirting, following me around all night, etc.
He didn't react badly, but neither did he, um, REACT, or address what had happened, and strangely we just continued on with our night as if it hadn't happened. But there was no weirdness about it, no sudden avoidance of each other, nothing to intimate that he thought it was inappropriate. (It was also very, very brief. Okay, I was a chicken and it was more of a peck.)
SO THEN, we're saying goodbye an hour later in front of his house, both slightly inebriated, and neither one of us is doing anything, but we also are just sort awkwardly making small talk stalling for time, to the point that we almost start laughing because it's so obvious that A: he really doesn't want me to just say goodnight and go and B: because I'm waiting for him to do something, kiss me, invite me inside, whatever. A stalemate.
And then, I forget how exactly, we start talking in these "rhetorical" terms about the fact that we've been out on quasi-dates 5 times and are really hitting it off, but that nothing’s happened. To which he responds, "when I meet someone I really like, about whom I suspect there is something special, I don't want to be impulsive and I don't want to screw it up. I want to be very careful with that person since I've made mistakes in my past and have hurt girls before, and I don't want to be clumsy/ham-fisted about this."
Okay, so he has a point in that he's older than I am, and I am constantly being told that I have a fresh and untouched energy. And besides, he's a total flirt, every bombshell in a ten block radius manages to find their way to his side at parties, and a bombshell I am not. So I told him straight out, "Don't treat me with kid gloves, I WANT to be impulsive, am willing to take the risk because I don't have any serious expectations, so stop worrying about it." He then dismissively said something about him being confused about what I was talking about, but maybe we'll continue the conversation sometime when he's sober, was very polite, kissed me on the cheek and went inside.
Um... so.... wtf? Is this his way of nicely saying he's not attracted to me and that I'm too "special" to be anything more to him than just friends? He's an incredibly polite person and I think he probably has this problem a lot, of girls he spends time with admitting they are attracted to him. Today was the first day where he hasn't been in touch, and I don't want to freak him out by contacting him too soon. If he was trying to tell me to buzz off without hurting my feelings then that's what I'll do, but if he wasn't, then how am I to proceed? Am I supposed to pretend none of it happened and play the platonic friend angle with him from now on?
(Sorry, I don't know how to link the old thread, but here it is: http://ask.metafilter.com/62080/So-does-this-guy-like-me-or-what)
So this guy I’ve had a crush on the past few weeks has continued to take me out to bars and a couple parties. Last night was date #5 and yet, still no moves made. We had a great time, there was flirting, yadda yadda, same as last time, no kissing. Having been given so much excellent advice on how to proceed by the ask.metafilter community, I finally went ahead and kissed him briefly on the lips in response to his body language: leaning towards me seductively, flirting, following me around all night, etc.
He didn't react badly, but neither did he, um, REACT, or address what had happened, and strangely we just continued on with our night as if it hadn't happened. But there was no weirdness about it, no sudden avoidance of each other, nothing to intimate that he thought it was inappropriate. (It was also very, very brief. Okay, I was a chicken and it was more of a peck.)
SO THEN, we're saying goodbye an hour later in front of his house, both slightly inebriated, and neither one of us is doing anything, but we also are just sort awkwardly making small talk stalling for time, to the point that we almost start laughing because it's so obvious that A: he really doesn't want me to just say goodnight and go and B: because I'm waiting for him to do something, kiss me, invite me inside, whatever. A stalemate.
And then, I forget how exactly, we start talking in these "rhetorical" terms about the fact that we've been out on quasi-dates 5 times and are really hitting it off, but that nothing’s happened. To which he responds, "when I meet someone I really like, about whom I suspect there is something special, I don't want to be impulsive and I don't want to screw it up. I want to be very careful with that person since I've made mistakes in my past and have hurt girls before, and I don't want to be clumsy/ham-fisted about this."
Okay, so he has a point in that he's older than I am, and I am constantly being told that I have a fresh and untouched energy. And besides, he's a total flirt, every bombshell in a ten block radius manages to find their way to his side at parties, and a bombshell I am not. So I told him straight out, "Don't treat me with kid gloves, I WANT to be impulsive, am willing to take the risk because I don't have any serious expectations, so stop worrying about it." He then dismissively said something about him being confused about what I was talking about, but maybe we'll continue the conversation sometime when he's sober, was very polite, kissed me on the cheek and went inside.
Um... so.... wtf? Is this his way of nicely saying he's not attracted to me and that I'm too "special" to be anything more to him than just friends? He's an incredibly polite person and I think he probably has this problem a lot, of girls he spends time with admitting they are attracted to him. Today was the first day where he hasn't been in touch, and I don't want to freak him out by contacting him too soon. If he was trying to tell me to buzz off without hurting my feelings then that's what I'll do, but if he wasn't, then how am I to proceed? Am I supposed to pretend none of it happened and play the platonic friend angle with him from now on?
This post was deleted for the following reason: The old thread is four days old. I've moved this there. See metatalk.
HE REALLY LIKES YOU AND DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK IT UP. HE WANTS TO BE CAREFUL. HE IS BEING A GENTLEMAN. CHILL.
(Sorry, but why don't you just believe exactly what he said to you?)
posted by tristeza at 11:52 AM on May 11, 2007
(Sorry, but why don't you just believe exactly what he said to you?)
posted by tristeza at 11:52 AM on May 11, 2007
wait it out. let him get a hold of you when he's ready, if he's into you it might be a couple of days (less than a week) if he's not into you, you will know in about a week (aka you haven't heard anything). either way you will know without pushing the issue. I don't think he is saying you're too "special" for more than friends if anything it sounds like he is very interested in you and would simply like to take the time to really know you, take it as a compliment.
posted by estronaut at 11:53 AM on May 11, 2007
posted by estronaut at 11:53 AM on May 11, 2007
Sorry, I don't know how to link the old thread
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posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:57 AM on May 11, 2007
<a href="http://exampleurl.com/">Link Text</a>
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:57 AM on May 11, 2007
First of all, the things you reported he said to you - up above, in quotes - are totally valid and they don't mean what you're trying to interpret them as. They mean, "Slow down." "Slow down" is a different message from "Stop." "Slow down" means "Slow down."
Give him time to deal with his own feelings. Some of us men need a little time and space to figure out how we feel. Emotional processing is something that men aren't encouraged to know how to do and so it can be difficult for us.
I believe he was being honest with you and I also think he was being responsible by not wanting to have this kind of chat while he was drunk.
Finally, you kissed him, pestered him to go further, and then told him you "don't have any serious expectations." This is a confusing mixed message and if he heard it at all it probably has him scratching his head. Among other things, it could be interpreted as an offer of casual sex outside the boundary of a relationship. Was that what you meant? Because it doesn't seem that way in the context, and that is confusing.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:58 AM on May 11, 2007
Give him time to deal with his own feelings. Some of us men need a little time and space to figure out how we feel. Emotional processing is something that men aren't encouraged to know how to do and so it can be difficult for us.
I believe he was being honest with you and I also think he was being responsible by not wanting to have this kind of chat while he was drunk.
Finally, you kissed him, pestered him to go further, and then told him you "don't have any serious expectations." This is a confusing mixed message and if he heard it at all it probably has him scratching his head. Among other things, it could be interpreted as an offer of casual sex outside the boundary of a relationship. Was that what you meant? Because it doesn't seem that way in the context, and that is confusing.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:58 AM on May 11, 2007
he has high expectations
you say you don't
sounds like he's trying not to use people/be used, but you told him that doesn't matter to you. that's a conflict.
sounds like you both are running at different speeds.
and since he seems so careful/slow/afraid of repeating mistakes, he probably didn't want to do ANYTHING under the influence of alcohol.
posted by mrmarley at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
you say you don't
sounds like he's trying not to use people/be used, but you told him that doesn't matter to you. that's a conflict.
sounds like you both are running at different speeds.
and since he seems so careful/slow/afraid of repeating mistakes, he probably didn't want to do ANYTHING under the influence of alcohol.
posted by mrmarley at 12:00 PM on May 11, 2007
You're being awfully pathetic and obsessive about this. Please try to relax. Good progress on the communication with boyfriend in question, try to work that angle a bit more.
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by thirteenkiller at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
He then dismissively said something about him being confused about what I was talking about, but maybe we'll continue the conversation sometime when he's sober, was very polite, kissed me on the cheek and went inside.
He's just not that into you. Sorry. (Come on, "confused about what I was talking about" is pure bullshit. If he had the slightest inclination to get physical, he would have done so.) Enjoy the friendship if you can, but look for romance elsewhere.
posted by languagehat at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
He's just not that into you. Sorry. (Come on, "confused about what I was talking about" is pure bullshit. If he had the slightest inclination to get physical, he would have done so.) Enjoy the friendship if you can, but look for romance elsewhere.
posted by languagehat at 12:01 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm afraid that I am also one of those gentlemanly, non ballcap wearing strait girly boys and I've got to suspect there is something to the old gay theory at this point. Sorry.
Regardless, he's obviously moving far slower than you want so I'd start looking for love in other places, if he's into you he'll have to shit or get off the pot.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
Regardless, he's obviously moving far slower than you want so I'd start looking for love in other places, if he's into you he'll have to shit or get off the pot.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:03 PM on May 11, 2007
As someone who has gotten the "just good friends" talk several times in the past, this doesn't sound like one to me. Listen to tristeza-- take him at his word, and do overthink it if you can. Give things a chance to develop naturally.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2007
"Don't treat me with kid gloves, I WANT to be impulsive, am willing to take the risk because I don't have any serious expectations, so stop worrying about it." He then dismissively said something about him being confused about what I was talking about, but maybe we'll continue the conversation sometime when he's sober, was very polite, kissed me on the cheek and went inside.
I've had that conversation before. I ended up in an unrelationship with a notboyfriend for longer that I should have.
Here's the thing: you already don't like the way he's treating you. You've had to ask strangers on the internet to interpret for you twice and you may or may not even be dating yet! This is a bad fit: he doesn't like you as much as you like him, he isn't interested in even being straightforward with you, you guys don't make sense to each other, and you are hanging on this bungee cord of "does he like me?" forgetting that the more important question is "do I want to be with him?"
At this point in a relationship, you can't expect more from him than you're getting RIGHT NOW. Don't date somebody's potential, date the person he's actually being. And he's already "it's not you, it's me"-ing you.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
I've had that conversation before. I ended up in an unrelationship with a notboyfriend for longer that I should have.
Here's the thing: you already don't like the way he's treating you. You've had to ask strangers on the internet to interpret for you twice and you may or may not even be dating yet! This is a bad fit: he doesn't like you as much as you like him, he isn't interested in even being straightforward with you, you guys don't make sense to each other, and you are hanging on this bungee cord of "does he like me?" forgetting that the more important question is "do I want to be with him?"
At this point in a relationship, you can't expect more from him than you're getting RIGHT NOW. Don't date somebody's potential, date the person he's actually being. And he's already "it's not you, it's me"-ing you.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites]
Read the thousand threads on here about how some people are very physically demonstrative of affection and some aren't. Consider whether that's the problem -- is he maybe just naturally a more reserved person than you are? Some men actually are sheepish/reserved about physical stuff.
"I want to take it slow" is totally legit; I would believe that.
"I'm confused about what you're talking about" is, as languagehat says, fishy as hell.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:06 PM on May 11, 2007
"I want to take it slow" is totally legit; I would believe that.
"I'm confused about what you're talking about" is, as languagehat says, fishy as hell.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:06 PM on May 11, 2007
I think languagehat is probably wrong and tristeza is probably right. Not definitely, but I think probably.
I'm biased because I have acted in a not entirely dissimilar way myself on more than a couple of occassions, and generally spent the next two days kicking myself for it.
posted by edd at 12:08 PM on May 11, 2007
I'm biased because I have acted in a not entirely dissimilar way myself on more than a couple of occassions, and generally spent the next two days kicking myself for it.
posted by edd at 12:08 PM on May 11, 2007
In the three minutes it took me to write two sentences, there have been several good comments, notably Lyn Never's. These also leads me to suggest that if he doesn't get it sorted on the next date then languagehat is probably right and tristeza is probably wrong. But for now, I'll remain a little bit optimistic.
posted by edd at 12:11 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by edd at 12:11 PM on May 11, 2007
Come on, "confused about what I was talking about" is pure bullshit. If he had the slightest inclination to get physical, he would have done so.
Maybe not-- he might not believe her when she says she has no expectations. He doesn't even have to think she is lying, he may just feel that because she is less experienced than him that she doesn't realize where her feelings might lead her once things become physical, and doen't want to rush that. If he's as in demand as she says, he has plenty of opportunities for casual sex and might not want to use this one.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2007
Maybe not-- he might not believe her when she says she has no expectations. He doesn't even have to think she is lying, he may just feel that because she is less experienced than him that she doesn't realize where her feelings might lead her once things become physical, and doen't want to rush that. If he's as in demand as she says, he has plenty of opportunities for casual sex and might not want to use this one.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:13 PM on May 11, 2007
uh, use the opportunity, not use her.
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by InfidelZombie at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
I'm afraid that I kind of agree with languagehat, and think this
posted by OmieWise at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
"when I meet someone I really like, about whom I suspect there is something special, I don't want to be impulsive and I don't want to screw it up. I want to be very careful with that person since I've made mistakes in my past and have hurt girls before, and I don't want to be clumsy/ham-fisted about this."is an attempt to get you to ok fooling around without him having to commit to anything beyond that. If that's cool with you, go for it.
posted by OmieWise at 12:15 PM on May 11, 2007
...the next date you go on will decide everything.
It is entirely possible that, last night, he was so stunned and discombobulated that he didn't know what to do. It's happened to me. I, personally, fucked it up and lost a fantastic opportunity that I'll probably mourn forever in some way. So, it is possible (however unlikely) that this man is as dense & stupid as I have been.
However, with the dawn and sobriety, he should have had time to get things straight in his head ("omfg! She likes me!").
So, ask him out. Tonight, or tomorrow night. If he doesn't try to sweep you off your feet as best he can, you have your answer. If he dodges your offer by claiming a prior commitment (that doesn't involve prison time or injury), you have your answer.
If I were in his shoes, being the dense and spectacularly slow-moving guy that I am, I would be planning to literally sweep you off your feet. I am almost cripplingly dense in these matters, so anyone that still doesn't get it is probably too far gone to be saved.
posted by aramaic at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
It is entirely possible that, last night, he was so stunned and discombobulated that he didn't know what to do. It's happened to me. I, personally, fucked it up and lost a fantastic opportunity that I'll probably mourn forever in some way. So, it is possible (however unlikely) that this man is as dense & stupid as I have been.
However, with the dawn and sobriety, he should have had time to get things straight in his head ("omfg! She likes me!").
So, ask him out. Tonight, or tomorrow night. If he doesn't try to sweep you off your feet as best he can, you have your answer. If he dodges your offer by claiming a prior commitment (that doesn't involve prison time or injury), you have your answer.
If I were in his shoes, being the dense and spectacularly slow-moving guy that I am, I would be planning to literally sweep you off your feet. I am almost cripplingly dense in these matters, so anyone that still doesn't get it is probably too far gone to be saved.
posted by aramaic at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
You sound lovely, not obsessive and not paranoid but vulnerable. Please keep an open mind about meeting and dating other guys if you want to stick with this. I repeat from my first time commenting on this -- He has an STD, he has a girlfriend somewhere else, or yes, he's gay.
posted by thinkpiece at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
posted by thinkpiece at 12:16 PM on May 11, 2007
"I want to be very careful with that person since I've made mistakes in my past and have hurt girls before, and I don't want to be clumsy/ham-fisted about this."
To me, what this says is "I've dated girls in the past and gotten physical with them when I wasn't that into them, leading them to believe I really wanted a relationship. I don't know if I'm really that into you, so I'm giving myself the option to run later and not feel bad, because, hey, I never slept with you!"
Frankly, whether my interpretation is on the money or not, he's stringing you along. There's no more chance that he doesn't know you like him, so now you need to decide what you want to do. If you want to date him for real, and not be caught in this weird limbo, tell him, "Call me when you make up your mind," and then go do other things with other people and don't expect him to call. If he does, bonus! If not, well, would you rather have left this quasi-relationship on your terms, or on his?
posted by MsMolly at 12:18 PM on May 11, 2007
To me, what this says is "I've dated girls in the past and gotten physical with them when I wasn't that into them, leading them to believe I really wanted a relationship. I don't know if I'm really that into you, so I'm giving myself the option to run later and not feel bad, because, hey, I never slept with you!"
Frankly, whether my interpretation is on the money or not, he's stringing you along. There's no more chance that he doesn't know you like him, so now you need to decide what you want to do. If you want to date him for real, and not be caught in this weird limbo, tell him, "Call me when you make up your mind," and then go do other things with other people and don't expect him to call. If he does, bonus! If not, well, would you rather have left this quasi-relationship on your terms, or on his?
posted by MsMolly at 12:18 PM on May 11, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by OmieWise at 11:52 AM on May 11, 2007