How do my wife and I solve the Christmas family dilemma?

April 30, 2007 9:12 PM

RelationshipFilter: How do my wife and I solve the Christmas family dilemma? Specifically, I'm looking for advice and suggestions on how we decide which family to visit each year. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Ok, this is going to be a bit rant-y....

Ever since we met (and I guess since she was born!), my wife has had this tradition of going to Melbourne with her Mum and brother every couple of years. Basically, up until recently, my wife hasn’t had much to do with her Dad, and most of her Mum's family is in Melbourne, so they would quite often travel down to Melbourne to be with the grandparents and the aunts and uncles and the cousins.

On the other hand, my family tradition has always involved gathering at Mum and Dad's house (on the Gold Coast) for Christmas dinner. Since my grandparents are also on the coast, this is easy for us to do and we end up with these big family gatherings.

Since we got together, this situation has obviously made things difficult for us. We've done various different things over the last few years. One year, we stayed on the Gold Coast and did lunch at one place (her parents I think) and dinner at the other (my parents). The next year we stayed on the coast until the 16th or something and then flew down to Melbourne for Christmas. Because we did that, the following year we flew to the Gold Coast and put more of a focus on my family (we had been in Sydney for 4 months at that point and both really wanted to go back to the coast anyway to see everyone).

So, where does this leave us? Well, this year we are in Sydney again. So, if we want to see anyone for Christmas, we are going to have to travel. My wife obviously wants to travel to Melbourne and I want to travel to the Gold Coast.

My position on the matter is that if we travel to the Gold Coast, she still gets to see her family. If we go to the Gold Coast, we can organise to split things the way we did it the first year, and she will see her Mum and brother. Her Dad is also on the Gold Coast, but her parents divorced when she was 5 and her dad moved away. It’s only recently that he’s been a permanent fixture so she’s used to Christmas without him. Alternatively, we could do a large one-family affair (although we tried that last year and it didn't work out - long story).

Her problem with this scenario is that she feels this argument will hold every year and she will never get to go to Melbourne to see her (extended) family. Therefore, her proposal is that we continue as we have in the past, with a visit to Melbourne one year (this year) followed by a visit to the Gold Coast (the next year).

My problem with this is two-fold. First, in this scenario, I miss out on seeing anybody for Christmas one year out of every two. It wasn't so bad when we lived on the coast since I saw them anyway, but this year there is a good possibility I won't see them at all for several months before the Christmas break.

I’m also concerned that my wife might be resentful of the deal. Although it looks good this year, she might feel bad about it in 2008, and then it will be ‘too late’.

What do we do? The only other options I can see are either a) we go to different places (not very couple-y and I'd like to see my wife at Christmas time!) or b) we travel to both places, which is hard because it is expensive and also because I will probably be working right up until the 21st Dec.

I'd love to hear advice from MeFite's on our situation as well as any stories about your own situation that might apply! We are so confused.

posted by ranglin to human relations (29 comments total)

This may seem somewhat harsh, but it does work in many ways: don't go to either sets of parents! Make the holidays YOUR OWN. Invite all of the kin to come visit YOU.
posted by davidmsc at 9:25 PM on April 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

One of you visits family on odd years and the other gets even years. Flip a coin to determine who goes first.

If you can afford it, the person who isn't getting to see family for Christmas should have the opportunity for a mid-year visit.

My parents have alternated family holidays for 35 years. No fights, no resentment.
posted by acoutu at 9:28 PM on April 30, 2007

How about this: One year you celebrate separately with your separate families (you in Gold Coast, your wife in Melbourne), the next year you celebrate together with her family (both in Melbourne), the next year you celebrate together with your family (both in Gold Coast). Repeat, repeat, repeat.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 9:33 PM on April 30, 2007

This might be left field, and ridiculous, but...
what if you did Christmas in July with one family, and then Christmas in December with the other, then the following year switch it?

If you can get everybody on board for that (or even better, start a tradition!) you will save a lot of time and money and unecessary stress by visiting both families, celebrating twice a year at separate times, and traveling at off-peak seasons.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:54 PM on April 30, 2007

1. split up at Christmas
2. become militant atheist who are disgusted by such absurd and obviously hypocritical 'holidays' as Christmas
3. alternate, your folks every odd year, for example
4. you (and she) invite them for a change, both families socialize, no feelings hurt, and if you both beg off the next year you might get away with it in consideration of your generosity this year.
5. profit.
posted by Grod at 10:00 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Reframe it, I think. When you begin to say "my family" and mean the people living in your household, things change. "I'm spending Christmas with my family." That goes for the both of you. What's the best thing for your family? Visit your other relatives (eg families of origin) throughout the rest of the year - that's what conferences on the Gold Coast are for.

My husband and I heaved a huge sigh of relief when we finally said, "this year, we're spending Christmas at home. You're welcome to join us."
posted by b33j at 10:02 PM on April 30, 2007

Boycott Christmas.
posted by pompomtom at 10:06 PM on April 30, 2007

i can't wait till i can stay at my home and not have to deal with family business for christmas.

you need to talk to your wife and negotiate. christmas shouldn't be an all or nothing affair. if you do go to melbourne, then you should also plan a trip to the gold coast in the near so that both of you can spend time with your family, or vice versa. hopefully your family will be supportive of your decision either way. (last year my family made it more difficult than i expected to spend christmas with my partner's family.)
posted by kendrak at 10:18 PM on April 30, 2007

The rotation scheme will probably work best. You could combine it with what b33j said and stay home every 3rd year. It is kinda nice.
posted by trinity8-director at 10:24 PM on April 30, 2007

May I suggest that: the next time all gather, schedule a family conference. After that, You will probably get a good five years before the next gathering.
posted by longsleeves at 10:29 PM on April 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let her win every time. Use that as "super-leverage" for the entire year. Seriously. If you ever start to lose an argument, use "Christmas" as a bargaining chip.

Oh, and when you have kids, Christmas comes to you.
posted by ColdChef at 10:32 PM on April 30, 2007

My parents settled this by deciding, with my mom's family, that they would hold Christmas on the 26th. So we were free to be with my dad's folks on the 25th, but we'd all pack up and go to the mother's parents' house on the 26th. Good system, if a bit eating-intensive.

My boyfriend and I have settled this, thus far, with huge arguments every mid-November. Siiiigh. I feel your pain.
posted by crinklebat at 10:43 PM on April 30, 2007

We see one family before Christmas, and one after, and we alternate who we're with on the day of. Lately this means we spend from Dec 20-25 with one family, and after Christmas dinner we get in the car and drive 12 hours to the other family, where we stay until New Years.

The drive sucks, but having a system is great. Everyone knows in advance who's going to be where for Christmas. No fights, no hurt feelings, and the extended family can make their plans knowing whether we'll be there.

In the US there's Thanksgiving, which is another major holiday that occurs in November, over a 4 day weekend. We alternate years with that - so when we'll be with my parents for Christmas, we go to his parents for Thanksgiving. Maybe you could work out a similar swap?
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:27 PM on April 30, 2007

Some context for non-Aussies suggesting ranglin drive between the Gold Coast and Melbourne for Boxing Day.

Also, there's no equivalent to Thanksgiving, so horse trading holidays won't cut it. I think you're going to have to go with alternating destinations, myself.
posted by zamboni at 12:35 AM on May 1, 2007

One in the Gold Coast, one in Melbourne, one in Sydney. Play rock, scissors, paper to decide the order. Try to visit (or have visitors) at other times if you miss people.

I really can't see how else you can do it without causing ongoing arguments and resentment in future.
posted by robcorr at 1:23 AM on May 1, 2007

Rent a beach house somewhere and invite the whole fam damly.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:42 AM on May 1, 2007

So you see the choice as either
(a) you miss seeing your family at Christmas one year out of two,
or
(b) she never ever sees her Melbourne family at Christmas again

And you think you think that it is obvious that (b) is the logical solution? OK, you are willing to consider (a), but think your wife will want to back out of the agreement.

Christmas is still more than 6 months away. It may not happen for you as a couple.
posted by Idcoytco at 4:43 AM on May 1, 2007

christmas with one family, new year's with the other. next year, switch.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:31 AM on May 1, 2007

An option I haven't seen in the posts above: Go to your separate destinations, but set aside a day or two for yourselves prior. This has worked for me before in particularly thorny situations.

And geesh, Idcoytco, you think this is all a part of ranglin's diabolical holiday masterplan and he'll get his eventually? Thanks for reminding me of some of my own Novembers...
posted by gnomeloaf at 5:37 AM on May 1, 2007

there is only one way to not have hard feelings about this:

you will alternate, but don't alternate destinations... you alternate who picks what you do.

This year she picks where to go and next year you pick. Your issues about fairness are very common, but just as common are your feelings not being fair to your wife. You must make it her decision exactly half the time and you must allow her decision to be unencumbered by your wants.

The sad but true thing is that both of your families are going to age and die over the lifetime of your marriage: it is important to see the people you want and if you love your wife you will be able to compromise.

I've been married 10 years and this kind of issue is quite literally the thing that caused us the most problems early on. All those problems went away when we arrived at a numerically fair split in the decision making regarding visits and travel. Don't work something out at risk to your relationship.
posted by n9 at 5:42 AM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

My bf and I have been together for five or six Christmases. We live in New York, his parents live in Michigan but are usually in Florida, and my family is in California, so we have a similar situation. Our solution is that he and I spend Christmas together, sometimes in New York and sometimes in California. From the 26th till the 30th or so, he sees his family, while I hang out with mine. (I like his parents but other people's extended families weird me out.)

This has suited us. Maybe something similar will work for you. I mean, do you really need to be together all the time? Do you need to hang out with her family? Sometimes it is nicer to visit family without the SO.
posted by dame at 6:37 AM on May 1, 2007

Rotate. One year with her family. One year with yours. One year at your place.
posted by onhazier at 6:41 AM on May 1, 2007

I’m also concerned that my wife might be resentful of the deal. Although it looks good this year, she might feel bad about it in 2008, and then it will be ‘too late’.

Trust your wife to honor the deal.
Also, be sure to tell your relatives and her relatives that this is the plan; that for Christmas 2007, you're both going to visit family in Melbourne this year, and for Christmas 2008, you're both going to visit family on the Gold Coast. You don't have to put it in an indefinite context of even years v. odd years, just this year and next.

By explaining your plan to everyone, they will see the fairness of it, and won't be disappointed at the last minute. If you feel badly about missing out on your family's festivities this year, see if you can put together some kind of family get-together in the 'off-season' some time mid-year.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 6:52 AM on May 1, 2007

davidmsc has a point. In the 23 years my wife and I have been married, we've lived anywhere from 300 to 3000 miles from family. The solution to our Christmas dilemma was to make Christmas our own holiday. If someone wants to visit us, they are more than welcome, but we gave up traveling for the holidays when we had things packed so tightly in the car that some brand new gifts were broken; that was kind of a last straw that made us realize that while family was important, trying to do too much at Christmastime was ruining our enjoyment of the holiday.

We still see family when we can, and sometimes that means separately (my wife visiting hers and me mine). BUT we don't do this at Christmas; we plan our visits for other times during the year. That also keeps things fresh because you don't settle into doing the same old things over and over simply because it is "tradition". Some of the best family visits have been on "neutral gound" where my family traveled to a vacation destination and met up with family members from other parts of the country, but no one was "home" so the dynamic was pretty free and easy.

We make an attempt to keep things even, but a strict rotation, we found, just doesn't work sometimes. Rather than "keeping score", just go with the flow. If one family or the other complains, make it clear to them that they are more than willing to visit you as well. When they realize the hassle of what traveling to see family entails, they will be more understanding.
posted by Doohickie at 7:07 AM on May 1, 2007

There are several good ideas above.

I don't want to trivialize being with family on the actual holiday (and if I were you, I bet I would have written a question that sounded almost the same) - but I do want to bring in a little bit different perspective.

I know there's a lot of magic on 12/25, and to some degree that's caused by the idea that everyone is celebrating all over the place and it's fun to enjoy that with family and friends. But keep in mind that the whole idea behind Christmas-time (religious or non-religious) is the spirit of the day - taking a day to be with your family and friends, relaxing, sharing a meal and some together time. I like that time of year because of the love and generosity and joy that I see all around me, and often in unexpected places. If it were me, I would probably opt to bag the logistical pain in the ass and spend the day with my husband at our home, making our own new traditions, and visit family at another time, with the same spirit as I would bring on 12/25.
posted by KAS at 7:53 AM on May 1, 2007

Echoing what onhazier said. One year your family, one her family, one year just the two of you. All that stuff about cleaving to your spouse, remember? The two of you are a family unit- start making your own traditions, and make arrangements to see your families at different times of the year.
posted by ambrosia at 9:18 AM on May 1, 2007

Go to Melbourne every 3rd year. Or, try going to your choice one year, her choice the next year. If you have kids, it will get more logistically difficult, so try to recognize that you can't be everywhere for the holidays. You might want to celebrate an additional holiday, so you have more opportunities to stay connected to family. It's not that much fun to run yourself ragged trying to see/please everyone.
posted by theora55 at 10:56 AM on May 1, 2007

Every year, we do two Christmas brunches and two Christmas dinners. We spend most of the day in the car and usually end up opening our presents to each other at midnight. For years, I hated it and longed for a more peaceful holiday, but couldn't figure out which visit could be reasonably cut out. And there was no way that, even with kids, Christmas was going to "come to us" since everyone else had kids, too. Then we hit a stretch of a couple of years where weather and sickness forced us to stay home on Christmas and you know what? IT SUCKED. Truly. It didn't feel like Christmas. It felt like...Thursday, but with higher expectations.

So now I accept the craziness as part of the holidays. Relish it, even. I know it won't always be like this. Stops will drop off one by one as family members pass, so I try to make the most of the time we do have together. Therefore, contrary to just about everyone else in this thread, I would advise you to cram as much visiting in as you possibly can--even if it is expensive and a total pain in the ass.
posted by jrossi4r at 12:17 PM on May 1, 2007

Of my family, most of us are in Brisbane except for one Uncle in Canberra. He and his family have never been to one of our Christmasses, but they DO come up every October for a couple of weeks, and spend actual Christmas closer to home with his wife's family.

Seems to work for them, if for no other reason than they get to skip being in Brisbane in December!* Particularly in this climate, Christmas-in-July is a LOT more pleasant for the 'traditional' roast turkey/etc business....


*Note for non-Aussies: Brisbane in December is hot. And muggy. Like you wouldn't believe.
posted by coriolisdave at 2:55 PM on May 1, 2007