Just how stupid am I being?

April 18, 2007 8:23 AM

Don't laugh - am I right to let my body image issues get in the way of getting a massage? Are there cases where that is a legitimate concern?

Early twenties, soon to graduate college, male, 5'10ish, 240ish (about a 33 on the BMI scale), back covered with hair, okay face, a little muscle definition. I have pretty big self-consciousness issues related to my being a. very hairy and b. overweight - the general belief that I'm hideously ugly. I'm a pretty sensitive person, mostly related to an emotionally abusive upbringing.

This weekend I have the option of going to a spa in the Palm Beach Gardens area of Florida and getting a massage, maybe also a facial or some other spa service. Damn that would be nice - I am SO stressed out with work, among other things. But the idea, particularly in an area I perceive as being filled with rich OC-like people, of getting a massage with a massage therapist who can barely keep at holding his/her disgust in at touching me, my back, my stomach, etc, makes me shudder. And the whole idea of getting my body waxed, particularly the cookie-dough front, makes me WAY more self-conscious. (Also, wouldn't the skin be too tender afterwards for a massage right after?)

Am I being stupid? Are there spas that are bitchy enough that this would be a real issue? I really want to have this massage, but the thought of the aforementioned scenario makes me literally sick to my stomach.

posted by Ash3000 to health & fitness (30 comments total)

Oh, dude, PLEASE just get the massage! You're in a private room, they've seen it ALL, they're professionals, no one else ever thinks or cares as much about you as you think they do, everyone's zoning on their own relaxation AND frankly you sound like you look a bit like my BF and I think he's HOT.

(Don't get waxed).
posted by tristeza at 8:28 AM on April 18, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Think of a professional masseuse like you would a doctor. Does a doctor make comments on your appearance when they see you in their office? Of course not. Neither would a masseuse. Leave your self-consciousness behind and enjoy a massage - they can be truly fantastic.
posted by pinky at 8:28 AM on April 18, 2007

You should not get waxed just for the sake of some unknown massage therapist!
Whatever is wrong with your body, massage therapists have seen worse.
Get the massage, and remember that whenever you start to feel uncomfortable. Being touched by a professional massage therapist might actually help you lose that self-consciousness. It's just a body, and they are paid to help it feel better, no matter what it looks like.

(If you want to get waxed for other reasons, you should probably do it in a separate session. You are right that your skin will be sensitive afterwards.)
posted by rmless at 8:32 AM on April 18, 2007

particularly in an area I perceive as being filled with rich OC-like people

Keep in mind that there're plenty of rich people who are genuinely unpleasant to look at, never mind touch...
posted by kmennie at 8:32 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I agree in principle with tristeza, but if you need validation that it's okay BEFORE stripping down, ask to speak to the masseuse when you book the appointment. "I'm a little overweight, and I do have hair on my back... I'd like to feel comfortable knowing you're okay with this before I come in." Whatever helps you feel less self-conscious, go for it.

That being said, I'd bet you $20 right now that you ask that question and you'll get the "I'm a professional, I've seen it all, you'll be fine" answer tristeza is telling you is implicit to a massage professional's job in the first place.
posted by peacecorn at 8:32 AM on April 18, 2007

Yea man, these people are pretty clinical about the business. If you have a disgusting body odor they may refuse you, but don't worry about being a bit shaggy and plump.
posted by Mister_A at 8:33 AM on April 18, 2007

They have seen it ALL, trust me. I had a friend who went to beauty school, with part of it being therapeutic massage, and as long as you are clean and don't smell too bad, you are golden. (Seriously, some of the stories she told me about bikini waxing gave me nightmares. And it wasn't because waxing is painful!)

Also, most professional massage therapists only expose the part of your body they're actually working on. So if you're getting your feet rubbed, for example, only your feet will be exposed. You won't be lying naked on the table (well, you might be naked except for underwear underneath the sheet, but you know what I mean). I was actually quite relieved to hear this the first time I got a massage.
posted by sutel at 8:34 AM on April 18, 2007

Ash -

First, I applaud you for considering the feelings of others, possibly putting your own needs and wants below theirs. That is nice, and demonstrates you are a considerate person. That may also be part of a larger issue, and you might want to consider examining those actions. You are just as important as everyone else. (Speaking from experience here!)

That said, please know that as I read your question, I felt I could have written it myself a year or two ago. (I am, however, twice your age.)

My suggestion would be to (1) get a good set of electric clippers (Wahl is a good brand,) and trim your chest a bit. Or, if you prefer, a good, old-fashioned razor and shaving cream. Then, before your trip, get a back wax. (This is also, with all due respect to men all over the world and their personal preferences, a suggestion for all men. It's OK to trim.)

After the back wax, you should not do any strenous exercising or take a shower for 8 hours, to allow your skin to heal.

Go to the spa, get a massage, and enjoy yourself. If it is still a concern, you might want to make an appointment ahead of time, and tell the person scheduling your appointment that you are a bit uncomfortable with your weight, and a bit shy. That may help them pick the best person for you and your needs. But in no way are you "obligated" to "inform" them. There is no reason you would have to. Please know I am not attempting to single you out!

As other comments above, they have "seen it all", and it is part of their job. Also, there are people who would find you attractive, certainly not (to use your words) "disgusting."

If you are still self-conscious, there is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with the masseuse.

You will thank yourself after, and that may help motivate you to make whastever changes you think you want to.

Enjoy. You have every right to.
posted by davidinmanhattan at 8:48 AM on April 18, 2007

I have a few massage therapists in my family and I can assure you they did not choose that career so they could surround themselves with hot, hairless bodies all day! I can't imagine anyone who is queased out by body hair would become a massage therapist in the first place. You should go, you're really missing out if you don't.
posted by slowfasthazel at 8:49 AM on April 18, 2007

I've been to that same area. Most of the people who get massages are rich, yes, but they're also kind of old and not that great looking.

I would suggest getting the massage. When you see that the masseuse/masseur does not react with such negativity, perhaps it'll become an activity you fully enjoy.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:52 AM on April 18, 2007

I used to work as a professional massage therapist, and I worked on people who were much more overweight than you are and also people who were just as hairy. I never felt "disgust" at touching any of them. A good massage therapist will only be concerned with how he or she can help you relax, not with how good you look.

Also, sutel is correct. You will covered by a sheet or towels except for the body part which is being worked on. (This is partially to protect modesty and partly to prevent your muscles from getting cold and tense.)

Go ahead and enjoy yourself!
posted by tdismukes at 8:52 AM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Also, rmless is right: You should not get a backwax just to please the massuese. You should get one only to please yourself.
posted by davidinmanhattan at 8:52 AM on April 18, 2007

Being a curious person, when I got my first massage I had a lot of questions about my massage therapist's experience. She had really seen it all, including really obese people, people with skin conditions, saggy baggy old people, anorexics, shy people, nervous people, chill people, exhibitionists. She was very respectful about the range of body types she had encountered.

She was of the opinion that massage therapists with training in physical therapy are best for really obese people, because these therapists have more experience with a range of body parts and a better understanding of how to work with and around "adipose tissue," i.e., fat.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 8:58 AM on April 18, 2007

Ash, I'm studying to be a professional clinical massage therapist. Every week for my lab classes, my fellow classmates and I do "exchanges" where we basically practice on each other. There is a HUGE range of body types in my class and I have to tell you, after massaging all these different body types, none, absolutely none, despite the outer wrappers are perfect. We see it all. We don't care. We just want you to feel better at the end of your treatment. We're not in this profession because we're easily freaked out by "imperfect bodies."
And as others have pointed out, you will be draped by either sheets or towels except for the body part that's worked on. Generally a therapist before you start the session will ask if you have any questions, that's your chance to tell him/her if you'd prefer not to have a particular area worked on. Everyone's different and has different preferences, so no matter what you'll say, you're not going to be judged. And don't worry about the stomach, abdominal massage is not generally part of the full-body treatment at a spa. Relax! Enjoy!
posted by zombiebunny at 9:08 AM on April 18, 2007

One of my closest friends is a massage therapist and they really do not care about your weight, your excess body hair, or your appearance.

However, GROOM. Take a shower right before you go (as in within an hour or two, not the day before or earlier in the day if it's an evening massage). That makes the massage therapist's life much nicer. Make yourself look tidy.

If you absolutely don't want to have a part of you worked on, be up front. You pay them for this relaxing service and if you're stressed out about, "Oh! Touching my leg!" say, "Hey, I do not want my legs worked on today, is that OK?" and leave it at that.

It's all about modesty during the massage, too. Everything will be covered and when you roll over, the blanket gets held up and in front of the massage therapist's face so they can't see anything and you can flop around like a fish until you get comfortable.
posted by schnee at 9:18 AM on April 18, 2007

Get the massage! They feel sooooo good and the massage therapist will not care what you look like. No one would become a massage therapist if they were disgusted with hair or a little flab. They just want you to feel your best!
posted by thebrokenmuse at 9:42 AM on April 18, 2007

Your question is pretty much covered, but I want to add: you're not being stupid. Especially in modern Western culture, everyone (even the beautiful people) has body issues. And it sounds like this could really be helpful for you in a number of ways. Have fun in the spa!

...hee, man. Now I want a massage.
posted by kavasa at 9:53 AM on April 18, 2007

Yeah, what everyone else has said. I'm 5'10", 240-ish and hairy enough that an ER nurse once compared me to Robin Williams while shaving patches so she could attach EKG probes. I'm in my early 30s, but I've had about the same height/weight/hair for a while now. I've never gotten the impression that any of the massage therapists I've been to (both female and male) has been disgusted by me, my fat or my body hair.

If you find that your hair's being tugged while you're getting a massage, ask them to use a bit more lotion. But you won't have to--they will have already known to do that.

If it really bothers you, get some trimmers and a 1/4" blade guide and trim the hair down a day or two beforehand. Be prepared for it to itch like hell. But do it for you, not for the massage therapist (who, as everyone has said, won't care).

As for the body image thing, I know that's not really something I can talk you out of, but if it helps, a counter-example: it sounds like I have pretty much the same body type as you, and my hot wife doesn't find me disgusting at all.
posted by hades at 10:04 AM on April 18, 2007

Get the massage. I am very fat (subjectively and objectively) and was worried about getting a massage too. But, the guy I go to is always the utmost professional and I never get the impression that he's disgusted by my jigglyness.

Massages are WONDERFUL. Enjoy it, have fun. If there's an area that is especially sensitive or you don't want touched for whatever reason, tell them up front before the massage starts. They'll understand.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:11 AM on April 18, 2007

Don't feel pressure to get the massage if it comes right down to it and you simply don't want to. This is all for your benefit. While it'd be great to push yourself and get that massage, maybe starting smaller for now is your less stressful option. Only you know where your boundaries are.

Maybe you read everything everybody wrote and you think to yourself, "Damn straight, I'm gonna do it! And love it." Or maybe you're thinking, "Geez everybody thinks I should get over myself and do it, but I am not comfortable enough yet."

If the latter is true, get a facial, a pedicure (men do that, and I hear they LOVE it), a head/neck massage, and spend the time in the sauna alone instead of being apprehensive about the massage therapist touching you. There are options. You do what will relax you most, cause that's the point.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:18 AM on April 18, 2007

n^th-ing the "they've seen it all". Seriously - there is zero issue on the massage therapist side of the equation... they've not only seen it all, they've rubbed and kneaded and elbowed and pummeled it all, too. Sit back and let them do their job... and let yourself enjoy the relief their work brings, without all of these thoughts and concerns in your head.

On the other side of the equation, I am a man in my 30s and when I am nude I look like I am wearing a furry suit, except for the human-pattern baldness that left strange bits of my stomach, chest, and a couple places on my back free of hair. So, maybe just hair-pants plus odd upper-body patches. I'm talking werewolf mid-transformation. I'm also currently in shape - that is, in my shape which has little to do with societal norms regarding physical appearance. I'd like to get out of shape; I'd list the reasons why I'm not doing so but these margins are too narrow.

Sure, I'd like to be more 'ideal', but I'm not, and the only person on the planet I am currently trying to impress is my love, and she thinks I am fine. I happen to think I have a beautiful soul, and as long as she can see that the rest of it is just minor details. I go through the lines at the grocery store, and read the covers of all of those soul-destroying magazines, and know that I could replace all of their advice with a single sentence:

A happy person is beautiful.

Be happy. Be beautiful. And don't worry about what the massage therapist, who could not fucking care less, does or (more likely) doesn't think about how you look. Accept with grace the grace they bestow on you, take that time on the table to appreciate that you are who you are, and your body is what it is, and maybe some of that will change and maybe some of it won't... but if you want to live, you need to learn to live with being who you are. For the all-too short time you are on that table, your body is not your problem, it is their problem, one they have trained for and are uniquely qualified to work with. Your job is to relax and be soothed and maybe even be healed. If I were you, I wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world.
posted by foobario at 10:48 AM on April 18, 2007 [7 favorites has favorites]

Speaking as a massage therapist, I can tell you that the only thing we really care about is that the client practices good hygiene. Seriously.

Massage is SO GOOD for you on so many levels, just do your best to let yourself relax and enjoy it.
posted by MsVader at 11:11 AM on April 18, 2007

Shower right before your appointment.
DON'T WAX, friend.
Relax and enjoy.
posted by BillBishop at 11:15 AM on April 18, 2007

I was 6' and about 400-ish and it took a lot for me to give in and get a massage. I was afraid the masseuse would lose a hand in my rolls. I got very very sweaty during the massages and got freaked that the masseuse would have to touch it..touch me....

Just do it...don't wax it..you're going to love it.

And please try to work on the body image problems. I went most of my life thinking I was dirty and disgusting and was too horrible to be touched, so I avoided ANY touch at all costs.
Now, I'm nowhere near 400lbs (300ish), but still much bigger than you, and touch is awesome because -I- don't think I'm all ugly and gross and that's the only opinion that really matters.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 11:23 AM on April 18, 2007

Get the massage. Feel amazing. Be happy. They don't care about what you are going to look like. They're not going to talk about you after you leave either. If they were that judgement about someone's appearance they wouldn't be in that line of work. They are going to want to make you feel better. But like other people have said, take a shower shortly before you go.

Waxing - I wouldn't worry about that either, and besides it's way to expensive. It only hurts if they don't know what they are doing and still did you check the prices for a body wax? It's really, really insane!
posted by Attackpanda at 12:31 PM on April 18, 2007

If it helps, when I was visiting South Beach last year, it was full of mutant looking, way-over-plastic-surgeried, super skinny European women, all hanging off the arm of short, overweight, hairy, older men.

I mean, you should have seen this plastic surgery- it was bizarre! Cheek inplants that looked like plastic spoons- things like that. We looked at each other with mutual pity. (I'm female, overweight, and white as grub and yet still in a swimsuit on the beach.)
posted by small_ruminant at 3:03 PM on April 18, 2007

Relax. Trust your masseur. If they do something that feels really extra specially amazingly good, as opposed to simply extra amazingly good, and it makes you want to go "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm", go "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"!

Professionals appreciate having good work appreciated.
posted by flabdablet at 5:17 PM on April 18, 2007

I'm just adding a late note here. Get the massage and enjoy it, and when they hit a good spot, or a muscle group that gives you trouble, ask them what the muscle is. That way, if it's a trouble spot, you can ask the next masseur to concentrate there.
posted by tomble at 7:44 PM on April 19, 2007

Late, but hopefully not too late.

Another point to mention: don't worry about the feelings. Plenty of people have the same fears about massage. I've heard it before and it's perfectly normal to feel that way.

Of course, any professional isn't really going to have an issue with working on you, but I'm just saying that I understand where you're coming from and plenty of people also feel this way.

If you can get up the courage to go, you'll probably enjoy it.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 10:19 PM on April 20, 2007

Yay, I have been holding onto this massage gift certificate for a year now because i've been nervous about my body condition and what the masseuse might think...but now I think i'll make an appointment. Thanks AskMe!
posted by Soulbee at 9:26 AM on June 7, 2007