Is engaging in oral sex normal behavior for girls these days?

April 11, 2007 9:58 PM

Is it socially acceptable for girls to engage in oral sex with different guys she has only met at parties? I just recently had unprotected oral sex with a girl on the belief that she had only one partner before me and that I would be able to get a long-term relationship out of it. You know that was the first time I had any kind of sex and according to her I'm still a virgin since oral sex doesn't count as "real sex".

As she's driving me home, I ask her about us and our future. I asked her "why can't we a have long-term relationship?" ok I didn't ask it exactly like that, but I remember saying asking it in a way where I was sure I wouldn't scare her off. She answered that she doesn't think it's feasible--because we both knew it would have to be a long distance relationship--but then she added that I "still have a chance down the road", meaning 2-3 years from now when I get out of college. By the way she's moved out of her parents house while I'm still living at mine and she's graduating from college this may. Knowing all those things really bothered me and I felt, compared to her,I was complete loser. Luckily I knew better to never bring those things up when talking to her thanks to men's magazines. Anyways, I feared those were reasons why she didn't want a long-term or serious relationship in the first place. Well, our relationship took off more than ever after the sex, because we were able to talk about our sexual fantasies and masturbation over the phone; but then she mentioned about her previous experiences giving blowjobs at parties. I lost her when I overreacted over this one--you know kinda of like the character Dante from "Clerks".

It's funny because she kept telling me that she's not easy to get with or a slut, yet she tells me she's went to parties in the past and given blowjobs to guys and she intends to continue doing it in the future. Later after asking her, she does still talk to these guys which make me wonder. She once told me she use to go to church with her parents and she has future plans on going back after college. She doesn't believe in premarital sex and she now she feels bad for having sex with her ex-boyfriend back when they were together.

I brought all this up and proved to her that oral sex is real sex despite how she tried to prove to me wrong initially through wikpedia; but according to her only vaginal intercourse counts as sex and I haven't lost my virginity quite yet in her book. I don't care about my virginity status. In fact, I really hate to believe in such a thing like virginity. I only cared about having her companionship.

What I don't get is, why does a girl who purport herself as this decent, intelligent, Christian girl rebel like this in college? I guess she just wants to have fun that is precisely what her intentions were with me, while I wanted a long-term relationship. What bothers me the most is the the possibly that I was just another guy to her or a fling. I confronted her about this and she didn't deny that I wasn't another guy to her she gave a blowjob to. I don't know, maybe I tuned it out, because I can't remember her once professing her feelings for me like I have to her.

So, again, the main questions is: do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way? and Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date? Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences? I'm not just talking about nice church going girls , but what about attractive atheist girls? Is it normal? Also, I don't know if metione this before but she said she was on her period two days prior to use having oral sex, so shold I get test not just because of that fact but becuase it was oral sex? I'm asking you ladies out there by the way, but if you guys know anything about a typical girl's lifestyle then your comments are welcomed also.

I'm cool with her Promiscuity right now, not cool with that possibility that i was used. I've imagined that being used wouldn't be so bad, but I wanted more in the relationship. Then again, she's right. We are too incompatible and the belief that we can reconcile and at least keep a friendship is false hope. We fought two times already on the phone and hung up each other believing that was the last we were going to here from each other. Each time, on the phone, I kept begging for friendship making myself look needy--not only that but I believe I lost all what little respect she had for me and my dignity--but we all know the reason why I want friendship is because I believe friendship will lead to a serious adult relationship.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (57 comments total)

You each have very different ideas about sex and intimacy. Does it matter what "most other girls" (or guys) do? It shouldn't, not in terms of making this relationship work. You two just have to be on the same page. You're not. That's a problem.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 10:06 PM on April 11, 2007

If your question begins with the phrase "Do all girls...", then the answer is no.
posted by sian at 10:09 PM on April 11, 2007 [6 favorites]

Wow. This is one of those times where I feel 92, not 32.

Yeah, what Ethereal Bligh said. You two have a very fundamental difference in how you see sex and intimacy, and it's simply not the kind of thing you can just kind of blithely look past and hope to resolve later. Run now.

Once in a blue moon, I run into a girl who's still like this at 29 or 30. It is nothing short of tragedy on legs. I can only advise you now to run. Fast. You seem like a decent guy who puts thought into things, someone who's a little too bright for this stupidity. I'm slapping myself right now for using this "old-people" cliche, but: In that sense, you sorta remind me of how I was at your age. I was too serious and, in a sense, too mature for those around me. In a few years, they "grew up" to match me . . . and then continued growing up, leaving me to be the immature one . . .

Umm, anyway, this isn't about me. But like I said, RUN.
posted by CommonSense at 10:13 PM on April 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Whoa. Well, I'm not really sure that there's an "answer" to your question per se, except to say that people have various definitions of what constitutes 'sex' for them, and there's no universal definition. However, I'd say that probably a majority of heterosexual people in the U.S. would not say that oral is sex in the "lose your virginity" sense (i.e., I think most people would say that a heterosexual person who has only had oral sex is a 'virgin'). YMMV, of course, and if you think of yourself as not-a-virgin, that's fine, too, but you're using a definition of virginity that's probably not exactly the norm.

And the "social acceptability" of casual sex, oral or otherwise, is likewise debatable. Personally, I wouldn't expect a relationship out of someone that I'd just met and had any kind of sex with. It's possible to meet someone, be totally physically compatible, have a great night, and realize in the morning that you're just not going to have much to say to each other. Just because you have sex doesn't mean that there's anything else there. (It's kinda nice to sort of clarify stuff like this ahead of time...) Again though, I think that most college-age hetero Americans would probably say that getting physical with someone you just met that day (particularly oral) absolutely doesn't necessarily imply any level of long-term relationship interest.

Bottom line: you met this girl, you had some sex, she took it pretty casually (sounds like), you didn't. It happens. I think you just need to move on, and just enjoy it for what it was.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:14 PM on April 11, 2007

I just recently had unprotected oral sex with a girl on the belief ... that I would be able to get a long-term relationship out of it

While this can lead to a long term relationship, that would be pretty rare. Try going on a few dates with someone first, and talk about what sex(ual activity) means to both of you before proceeding. Different people have very different ideas about sexuality, the only way to find out how the next girl you date sees things is to talk to her about it.
posted by yohko at 10:20 PM on April 11, 2007

Umm...many people girls/guys/whatever commonly have actual sex only after just meeting each other 'at parties.' Especially in college. Sexual contact does not a relationship make. Oral sex, though significant in itself, seems like nothing compared to the genuine article. So you as a virgin find it momentous, she as a non-virgin doesn't. Find someone who shares you views on sex and is a virgin, if you want to be on the same page.

I don't understand why you are taking the moral high ground when you were also complicit. And calling her a slut or viewing her as such is not going to make her want to be with you. If you only want sexual contact in a long term relationship, then wait next time until you are in that situation. Don't hold it against her. It seems like you are blaming her, when you should be upset with yourself. You put yourself in the position where she could blow you. If you don't want that, then you should just zip up your pants. ::shrug::
posted by amileighs at 10:25 PM on April 11, 2007 [4 favorites]

She's a huge hypocrite and - yes - a slut.

You are insanely needy, and into exactly what she cannot and will not provide - stability and monogamy. I think you already know that the chances for a successful long-term future with this woman are zero. This is a good thing. You do not want to seriously date this woman.

So, again, the main question is: do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way?

Hahahaha, no. No. Good god, man.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:25 PM on April 11, 2007

Move on, find a girl that isn't slutty. Took me years to find a decent one. And at the time, the girl would seem wonderful, then only later would I realize that she didn't value any of the things I did (that didn't make her slutty ... that's a different issue.).

I would guess many people have a different definition of sex, or at least, a different valuation on premarital sex, than you do. You are likely to get a ton of answers somewhat related to people's different values. My advice: If you have values, stick with them. Find some reasons for believing what you do. Then, if facts come up later to make you think otherwise, consider rethinking them.

Anyway this girl sounds like trouble. And the things she's saying to you are the sort of things you say to someone you're really not that interested in but you'll hedge your bets with just in case it changes in the future.
posted by Happydaz at 10:26 PM on April 11, 2007

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

(heh)

But yeah, There have been a rash of articles recently about how oral sex is becoming more and more socially acceptable for the younger set. I wouldn't worry about getting tested as the chance of STD transmission is very low for oral sex.

If this was truly your first physical encounter of a sexual nature then you are just embarking on the path towards undrstanding the ways of the fairer sex. Good luck my friend, as it is a long and perilous journey...
posted by garethspor at 10:31 PM on April 11, 2007

What the hell? This girl is slutty because she's given a couple of dudes blowjobs? I have another world for girls like that; priceless! Booya!

Anyway, swaters, you're reading way too much into what happened which is not unusual for a virgin. I mean... lots and lots and lots of people give and receive oral sex without wanting a long term relationship. It's not unusual. There are also people who don't have much if any casual sex outside of relationships - that's not unusual either.

A girl giving you a blowjob without wanting to have a LTR doesn't mean something is wrong with her! You need to move on. That seems a big deal because she was your first sexual experience, but trust me, you'll get over it.
posted by Justinian at 10:33 PM on April 11, 2007

world = word, above. Bleh.
posted by Justinian at 10:34 PM on April 11, 2007

Meta.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 10:39 PM on April 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

And I'm only here to tell you that from personal experience, nice "attractive atheist girls" like me occasionally give blow jobs with no strings attached. Luckily the Christian chicks don't have a monopoly on "Promiscuity."
posted by lalex at 10:42 PM on April 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

You have many questions. I will try to address just one of them.

Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date?

It depends on the lady in question. Here is how you tell if a woman that you meet likes to give casual blowjobs.

Step 1. Look down. Is there a woman there? If so, move on to step 2.

Step 2. Is this a casual situation? For example, are there more than 12 people around you? If so, are they wearing flip-flops? Is the amount of time that you have known this woman more likely to be tallied in days, minutes or seconds? If it is minutes or seconds, move on to step 3.

Step 3. You are a casual blowee. You have determined that you have met a lady who likes to give casual blowjobs. She may also be a fabulous person and/or like to have long-term relationships, but you will have to ask her about that when her mouth isn't full.
posted by lemuria at 10:45 PM on April 11, 2007 [19 favorites]

My advice is to not let her suck your dick again. She's clearly conflicted about her sexuality, and so are you.

Cut her some slack though, cause it's not really fair to get pissed off at the girl who sucked your dick at a party because you found out that she's sucked dick at parties before. Also cut her some slack because she's young and confused. Cut yourself some slack too, because, well, you are young and confused too.

You'll both be better off if you can find away to move past this without feeling guilt or bitterness.
posted by Good Brain at 10:54 PM on April 11, 2007

Also, you're having casual unprotected sex. Please do visit your campus clinic to see about the usual tests. And buy some rubbers. You're a big boy now.
posted by mds35 at 11:17 PM on April 11, 2007

I'm cool with her Promiscuity right now, not cool with that possibility that i was used. I've imagined that being used wouldn't be so bad, but I wanted more in the relationship.

Used!? Girls don't generally give blowjobs for their own pleasure.

Anyway, it will probably never happen again, so relax. A girl who gives you a blow job the first time you meet her isn't looking for a long-term relationship, she's looking for casual sex partners. If it happens again, what (I think) you should do is just ask her to hang out, spend time together, have fun and (if you want) have sex. But she's not going to want to commit to a relationship just because she had your dick in her mouth.
posted by delmoi at 11:18 PM on April 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

Relationship has to come before long term relationship, sorry. You can't force these things...
posted by teststrip at 11:30 PM on April 11, 2007

Walk away and find yourself a nice repressed girl who refuses to even contemplate the idea of oral sex. I am sure you will be much happier then.
posted by threeze at 11:55 PM on April 11, 2007

Just to chime in: free stringless blowjobs are manna from heaven and overanalysis by people concerned whatsoever about maintenance of their "virginity" is a major buzzkill. It takes two to fellate, no? You had your chance to moralize. You should have negotiated the emotional significance more before you undid your fly if it was so important to you. Cocksure, brainfeeble.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:57 PM on April 11, 2007 [7 favorites]

do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way? and Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date? Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences?

No, no, and no. Some people have casual sex. Other people take sex much more seriously; health issues aside, it's not so easy for most people to separate emotional attachment from sex.

I'm not sure what correlation there is between people's religious beliefs and their sexual mores (what they regard as acceptable or not acceptable). I have the impression that even for self-identified Christians, their sexual mores are determined more by their peer group than by their church. And different peer groups will have different standards of acceptable behavior. It's not as simple as just hanging out with Christians.

It sounds like what you want is a long-term relationship, not casual sex. Here's some dating advice you might find helpful.

That said, what happens if you're not looking for casual sex, but it's offered to you? (Seeing as you're in college.) The human sex drive is extremely powerful, so in the heat of the moment you're likely not to be thinking straight. My main advice is to be prepared: buy some condoms and carry them with you, even if you have no intention of using them, so that if you do end up engaging in casual sex in a weak moment, at least you won't be risking sexually transmitted diseases or pregnancy. And do some reading.

Also, I don't know if I mentioned this before but she said she was on her period two days prior to us having oral sex, so shold I get test not just because of that fact but because it was oral sex?

The risks from oral sex are low, but they're not zero. If you've never been tested for STDs before, you should probably go through it, just to find out what it's like. (And the STD clinic will probably have some sexual health brochures for you to read.) Her being on her period doesn't have anything to do with it--it just means she can't get pregnant, it doesn't have anything to do with STDs.
posted by russilwvong at 12:02 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

If it's important to you that you be the only one getting a blowjob, or that it's "going somewhere" relationship-wise, it is your responsibility to bring up that topic - not hers. It's your desire; take some personal responsibility, man! You mention feeling 'used'; but to turn this around, you're 'using' this BJ to try to land a relationship - d'you think *she* might be the one feeling 'used' about this?

And if you were dumb enough to not use a condom in a one-off sexual situation like this ... go to campus health and get tested. Preferably with a big sign around your neck reading "DUMBASS".

Note: it's perfectly acceptable to not want this sort of sexual contact outside of a monogamous relationship. It's not acceptable to take sexual favors and assume that something is coming with it (like a relationship) without asking, and then whine when it turns out that you were the only one with that assumption.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 12:21 AM on April 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

At such an early stage of a relationship, nobody's obligated to do anything. You two have radically different views of sexuality and although you may feel like you deserve a chance, she doesn't sound too keen.

She's willing to let it go; you should probably do the same, before this whole situation gets out of hand and explodes (again :o)
posted by theiconoclast31 at 12:37 AM on April 12, 2007

Sounds like there are a few gaps in that "men's" magazine training.

Stamp this into your brain: you do not, repeat not, get to tell somebody you're in a relationship with what they can or cannot do, and you do not, repeat not, have an entitlement to get pissy about what they have or have not done before. Closest you get to that is having the right to tell your partner what you expect from them if you're going to stick around.

Same goes, naturally, for them. In a healthy adult relationship, neither partner owns the other.

You don't get to yell at somebody else for not being like you expected them to, or not wanting the same things you want. You extra specially don't get to yell at somebody just because they don't fit your current ideas about what's "normal".

Finally, you absolutely cannot "prove", with or without Wikipedia, that your values and attitudes are the only ones that make sense. Closest you'll ever get to that is choosing only to hang about with people whose values and attitudes are basically similar to yours.
posted by flabdablet at 4:42 AM on April 12, 2007 [6 favorites]

As I read your question, at a party this girl has oral sex with a relative stranger (you) and now you'd like her to promise not to have oral sex with other relative strangers in the future? You just met her and now you're asking her to make promises for the infinite future? She's the first woman you ever had sex with and you're all ready to settle down with her?
posted by richpasco at 5:03 AM on April 12, 2007

1) You are naive

2) You have no chance of a long-term relationship here

3) Oral Sex is not sex, though fun

4) There is an entire culture of people who engage in casual sex like this - get used to it

5) Man, those atheist chicks are hot.
posted by mr_book at 5:44 AM on April 12, 2007

Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences? I'm not just talking about nice church going girls , but what about attractive atheist girls? Is it normal?

You are totally begging the question here. Why do you assume that sex has emotional or physical consequences? For many, many people sex is just fun. What's normal is that sex means many different things for many different people.

I think that since you got a blowjob at a party, she thought you'd be cool with girls who give blowjobs at parties. If you think sex is an emotional promise/declaration (which it seems like you might), then you should treat it at such. Have sex with people who you know, after spending some time getting to know them. You seem to be reading waaaaaaay too much into this otherwise.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:48 AM on April 12, 2007

Here's a clue, hon. If you want to have a relationship with girls who don't blow new acquaintances at parties... don't accept blow jobs from girls who blow new acquaintances at parties. See how easy it is to be part of the solution?
posted by headspace at 5:50 AM on April 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

I don't understand why you are taking the moral high ground when you were also complicit. And calling her a slut or viewing her as such is not going to make her want to be with you. If you only want sexual contact in a long term relationship, then wait next time until you are in that situation. Don't hold it against her. It seems like you are blaming her, when you should be upset with yourself. You put yourself in the position where she could blow you. If you don't want that, then you should just zip up your pants. ::shrug::

Yup.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:53 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't know if metione this before but she said she was on her period two days prior to use having oral sex, so shold I get test not just because of that fact but becuase it was oral sex?

I'm not quite sure what it is you're asking here, and it sounds like you're not either (are you worried about disease? pregnancy?). Get yourself to your college clinic and pick up some literature on pregnancy prevention and HIV/STD prevention. If you're starting to be sexually active, then you really need to know how to not get your partner pregnant and how not to catch or give an STD.
posted by rtha at 6:19 AM on April 12, 2007

This is slightly off-topic, but it needs to be said: those "men's magazines" are only going to give you a skewed, misogynist view of the world. You will only learn bad relationship practices from rags like Maxim. I have a few male friends who view relationships with women as a kind of game, much like these magazines seem to present them. They are all rather miserable and alone.

As to your situation: I feel for you, man. Getting rejected by someone you have feelings for sucks. But getting mad at her for rejecting you (and hiding it under the guise of righteous indignation) is not going to make you feel better in the long run. Move on, and find someone who's closer to what you're really looking for.
posted by kdar at 6:34 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also, I don't know if you've seen it yet or not, but Dan Savage writes an excellent sex advice column. It's probably a good counterpoint to getting random advice from men's magazines and wikipedia.
posted by kdar at 6:40 AM on April 12, 2007

What's a long term relationship to you? What's a short-term one? Waiting for 2-3 years, when you're in college, because you've talked to this girl a few times and feel some weird connection because she was your first sexual contact (at a party!) is overkill.

Talk to some other girls, many of them are worth talking to and more closely match up with your past experience. Or your expected experience in another person. Read some brochures on sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and birth control / protection. Learn to determine who is a good match for what you want in a relationship and sex, and who just happens to be convenient.
posted by mikeh at 7:11 AM on April 12, 2007

1. Oral sex is sex if you think it is. Others feel differently.
2. Girls who give you a blowjob at a party have likely done it before with other guys, at other parties.
3. You were not used. You got a blowjob out of the deal, she got attention. Quid pro quo.
4. Do not try to turn a random hookup into a relationship.
posted by electroboy at 7:27 AM on April 12, 2007

It's guys like you that make it harder for other guys to get no-strings-attached blowjobs. Think about that when you look in the mirror.

Further, word on the street is that if a girl is giving you a blowjob at a party, it's probably because she doesn't want to fuck you. If you want to have a continuing relationship, that's your cue to be cool, not propose marriage and flip the fuck out.

That is, assuming this clusterfuck of stupidity and histrionics is a real question and not a troll.
posted by klangklangston at 7:29 AM on April 12, 2007

I don't understand why you are taking the moral high ground when you were also complicit. And calling her a slut or viewing her as such is not going to make her want to be with you. If you only want sexual contact in a long term relationship, then wait next time until you are in that situation. Don't hold it against her. It seems like you are blaming her, when you should be upset with yourself. You put yourself in the position where she could blow you. If you don't want that, then you should just zip up your pants. ::shrug::

These silly men.
posted by necessitas at 7:32 AM on April 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

If you want a longterm relationship with a girl who's giving you a blowjob, consider returning the favor. She might be more willing to look kindly upon you later.

maybe I tuned it out, because I can't remember her once professing her feelings for me like I have to her.
I just reread your question and it seems to me that you do have more of a relationship with this girl than meeting her at a party and getting blown. Is she a friend of yours? It looks like she's being completely honest with you and yet you keep on wanting her to change or be different. Ain't gonna happen and you need to stop tuning out when a woman in your life is trying to tell you something.

Also, there is this thing called a mercy fuck - also a mercy bj - and many of us girl types will occasionally indulge in this with no plans for furthering the relationship. Sometimes we do it regardless of our religious affiliation or lack thereof. Note that you are/were complicit in this behavior - you didn't shriek and clutch your fan to your chest and leave the party - and thus, my friend, your moral high ground really stinks. If she's a slut than what are you?
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:43 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

good lord, I suggest actually getting to know someone outside of parties blow-job and/or sex. The sex was consensual thus both of you where responsible for the act, you are, or where in this case just as promiscuous as she was, you obviously have just as much "slut-ish" tendencies as she does, hell if anything you where more selfish than she was.
I know things are tough and you sound like you are lonely but a long term relationship should probably be based on something more than a two-penny upright encounter.
You ARE NOT going to have a serious relationship with this lady, she obviously doesn't want one with you. Learn and move on. As others have said stop making broad sweeping claims. Get to know ladies in contexts outside of parties.
posted by edgeways at 7:57 AM on April 12, 2007

do all girls go to parties and act wild in this way?

No. I have a question for you: If a good friend of yours was going to parties and getting blowjobs from these "wild" girls, would you call him a slut?

Am I going to have to hear about this behavior from the next girl I date?

Maybe, depends on who you date.

Do all girls engage in oral sex on the belief it has no emotional or physical consequences?

No. Some do, some don't.

I'm not just talking about nice church going girls , but what about attractive atheist girls? Is it normal?

Atheists can also have a set of personal moral standards that may or may not include oral sex.

Look, in college I wasn't "promiscuous". My roomate was. So in our little survey of two, 50% of women like to have sexual relations with guys they meet at parties! OMG protect the moral fabric of society!

It used to be that guys could do all the "running around" they wanted in college, but girls were seen as easy or slutty for doing so. Now, we're reaching a more enlightened age, where women and men are realizing, "Hey, there are consequences for having sex, but it's fun and empowering, too. We're young and free to do what we like with our own bodies and lifestyles." The two of you obviously have different ideas about what is "promiscuous" and what is "having a good time," so maybe that's something you should consider before you start picking out curtains and china patterns.
posted by muddgirl at 8:06 AM on April 12, 2007

Dude. You're overthinking a plate of beans. What the beans need is catsup.

Oh, and a latex condom. Get the unlubricated kind!

What in the hell are they teaching kids in college these days!?



No, seriously. You ran off all pell mell towards "must date/own/obtain girl and establish permanancy and contracturarly obligated trust relationship as indicated by a piece of paper".

No offense, but your intensely profound feelings are nearly based entirely on hormones. Why do I say this? Because you're here asking us to second guess yourself against all these doubts you're weighing against the "feelings". Take some neurobiology while you're still in school. You're currently soaking in hormones.

When it's right, there aren't these doubts - not enough to make you go post a huge question about it to try and justify it to yourself. We don't need convincing. Why are you trying to convince yourself?

Fast forward 10-20 years after the hormones burn off and it'll probably seem so stupid that you'll avoid talking about it if possible. You'll value different things. Your hormones won't be all ramped up and on a MUST BREED AND NEST RIGHT NOW WITH NEAREST PHEREMONALLY COMBATIBLE FEMALE IN ESTRUS clock and it just won't be so damn important.

Look at how many words you wrote here. Look at her responses. It doesn't work like that. And marriage ain't going to make it all right.

Only you're own inner peace and self worth makes it all right.
posted by loquacious at 8:23 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

but then she added that I "still have a chance down the road", meaning 2-3 years from now when I get out of college.

Ha ha, I've given this speech before.

Hint: "You have a chance in a few years" is girl-talk for "You're cute, but seriously, grow up. I'm giving this process a minimum of 3 years for you."

She probably thought you were cute but was so terrified of your implied sexual hangups, that you sunk any chance you had.

I'm going to echo what many people have said regarding the s-word -- it's clear that the two of you have different attitudes and ideas about sex, which you're going to find many people do. Imagine that you meet the perfect girl, and she tells you everything you want to hear about her beliefs about sex and the emotional impact.....but she gave a blowjob at that party that one time..... How would you react? Because that is now *you*.

Lots of people need to experiement a bit to figure out their limits (which you have) and even more people get drunk and make a mistake, or do something they regret to prove how 'wild' they are. You'll be in a much better position meeting women if you can forgive some of these transgressions - especially since you're going to be asking some of those nice, Christian girls to forgive you.
posted by lastyearsfad at 8:30 AM on April 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you're worried about all girls being like this at the parties you attend, you should probably stop going to those parties.

Also, protect yourself. Whether oral sex or penetration sex constitutes virginity is opinion (IMO), but either type can lead to STDs.
posted by spec80 at 10:15 AM on April 12, 2007

it's just a bj man, get over it.
damn, i was born too soon (1955), i hear this is rampant in the high schools now.
posted by bruce at 11:29 AM on April 12, 2007

I can probably guess the average age here is 'over 30'. Casual BJs are now considered not Sex. Kids and young adults have friends with benefits. Rainbow parties (group oral sex parties) are very trendy. Anal sex is also not Sex... Man did I miss the boat.
posted by Gungho at 11:59 AM on April 12, 2007

For readers in the future— Bruce and Gungho have no fucking clue what they're talking about. Ignore them. Rainbow parties have been debunked, and the oral sex "fad" is based on dubious reporting at best.
posted by klangklangston at 12:16 PM on April 12, 2007

Where have rainbow parties been debunked, and what dubious reporting are you referring to? I get my news direct from the source...16 to 21 year old females....God to be 25 years younger...
posted by Gungho at 1:10 PM on April 12, 2007

Even if I am wrong by your accounting I'm still batting .500
posted by Gungho at 1:11 PM on April 12, 2007

I get my news direct from the source...16 to 21 year old females....God to be 25 years younger...

What is this, creepy hour? No, swaters210, these men are cowards. Get a clue before you too wind up a slavering chatroom lurker subsisting on fantasies of amoral, victimized or otherwise improbably slatternly teenager-objects.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:58 PM on April 12, 2007

Is it socially acceptable for girls to engage in oral sex with different guys she has only met at parties?

Is it socially acceptable for guys to engage in oral sex with a girl he as only met at a party? Dude, that is the question you should be asking yourself. And apparently you made a quick decision that yes it was. So why would the answer be any different for the nice girl who serviced you?

It's a funny thing about guys and their egos. Guys always like to think that they are different than the other guys. They like to think that if a girl sleeps with them on first date that she did it because he's just some ultra wonderful, attractive, incredible, well endowed, better than anyone else kind of guy. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but even though your mom may think you are, no one else does. If a girl does XXX with you on the first date you need to immediately realize that she does XXX on the first date with other guys.

So if you have a bias against girls who do XXX on first dates then the next time you are with a girl on a first date and she's nice enough (or insecure enough or liberated enough or whatever) to do XXX for you then immediately stop her (you'd be a hypocrite not to) and move on.
posted by tr45vbyt at 4:30 PM on April 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

It is as socially acceptable for guys to engage in oral sex at parties as it is for girls. With members of either (any?) gender.

Which is to say, that it usually happens between acknowledged couples, in a semi-private setting, at least in my set. There are also a few random hookups, but that tends to be limited to pashing and touchy-feely, with the occasional shirt removal or similar.

Most of the people at parties I attend are in the 20-30 age range, and there are quite a few open relationships amongst the group. Very few of us are in college - most of us are working adults, or in the final year of a degree.
posted by ysabet at 6:00 PM on April 12, 2007

My reason for my inane behavior:

Sorry for the late post. I've been trying to write the shortest explanation as possible for all this and here it is:

We were friends for about 5 months. Just for the record, we starting getting emotionally intimate with each other after I sent her valentines flowers; however, after that, she still did nothing to explain she just wanted to just be fuck buddies and wasn't in a serious relationship anytime soon.

Then on her spring break, while talking on the phone, I professed my feelings to her. She admitted she didn't like me at first, but then I "just kinda grew on her." After that we discussed sex and agreed to have it when I come up to visit her. My original plan was to visit her, have dinner, and then to sneak in a kiss good bye. I wanted to let her know that I wanted a serious relationship with her, I wanted a long distance relationship, I wanted her to know that I actually cared for her, but who the fuck am I kidding? maybe my motivation for a relationship was lust all along. Although, I imagined more than just sex in the relationship.

I had oral sex with her while she was on her "period", because I suspected she wasn't she made it up. In addition, I believed she use that excuse, two nights prior on the phone, to back out of "real" sex and I think it was her polite way of saying, "sorry i can't return the same feelings. i can't have sex with you." or "sorry i made the mistake of losing my virginity to the wrong one guy already, i'm not going to have sex again because it's against my belief(she doesn't believe in premarital sex) Maybe i should have mentioned that earlier, yet she believes oral sex is insignificance. I doubt her bible has anything against it, who knows?

immediately, after she said that, I flipped out on her. Maybe I did that because i'm a “panzy” and I wanted a relationship. Anyways, we ended up hanging up on each other, thinking that was the end of what ever we had. By the way, this all took place when I was i. while staying at a family members house, i tried my hardest to not to call her. two days later in town. One day of love excruciating love sickness went by and the the next night she called me to ask if I wanted to hang out with her on her college campus. That's odd, she made it clear to me the other on the phone that she didn't want to be friends. Sadly I gave in and said yes. I took the subway the next morning and then rode the trolly to her dorm building. Here's where it gets more complicated. I didn't' bring the condoms with me because I didn't' think I was going to get laid by having “real” sex nor did I think oral sex was going to come out of it. When I got there, I was happy as hell to see her beautiful face again. The last time we saw each other was when we met. We walk inside her bedroom, she gets on her bed in all her beauty, invites over to lie next to her, i was like oh boy, but I still didn't see it leading to oral sex. she asked me about the condoms and I explained, so that why it lead to the most “insignificance” oral sex ever.

We did it 3 times in one day. It was nice. Man what I a dork I am. A really good looking dork who lost a lot of weight. She drives me back to the place where I was staying, on the way there we talked about our future. I asked her about a long distance serious relationship and "she said i'm not ready for a long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean there's a chance down the road."

The next morning, I fly home and then we continued talking again. This just occur to me, I hardly remember her calling me first. I was always an e-mail saying “ hey if you around, please call my dorm number, but not after 11:00 don't want to wake up the neighbors.” During the next couple of weeks, we starting talking more often and on some occasions, she talked me into phonesex(eww?). One night on the phone she finally revealed her tendency to have on night stands with guys she's only met at these parties. Just recently , i asked her if she still contacts them and she said she still talks to a few of them.

I'll admit it. I never been to a single college party in my whole life. I've only seen them in the movies, but that's it. I'm starting to accept the truth that even highly respectful girls go out to parties to engage in oral sex, but what I don't get is: why can't she have her so called “real” sex(aka vaginal intercourse)? That's where I was trying to get at. What's up with blowjobs? I'm asking for a definitive answer from the religious and nonreligious people out there. then again, i know i shouldn't care and just let go.

I didn't want to be the square I am and flip the fuck out on her when she told me about her lifestyle. Heck I feel pressured myself to screw every girl I meet and I can't say I wouldn't resist future advances. In other words, if I didn't suffer from acute shyness, then i'll probably be going to parties and be picking up the ladies. I now realize the reason why I flipped on her is because I thought there was goingto a possibility of her meeting a new guy and discovering how great he is. After that I'll lose her interest in me, her friendship, her companionship, and my future chance of a serious relationship with her. FYI: on the phone, after the oral sex, she pretended she was still intrested in a long distance casual relationship. somehow she's able to get off on just phonesex, but I don't know if I can.

In conclusion, I think I was used. Before the sex talk, she was willing to come down to visit me, while on some occasions I could come up and visit her, assuming I get the financial backing for the flight up there. Then after the oral sex she tells me, “no i don't think we can visit each other because I don't think we can do that to each other.” WTF? she's left me more confused about relationships than I ever was.

Ok without further demonizing, I would like to say I believe she can be nice and a sweet, when given the chance. I think she's grew up in a strict family, was sheltered a bit, succumbing to peer pressure, and is rebelling now with her new found independence from home and family. Sorry I know I should make judgments like that. In hindsight, it was foolish of me to think something could happen, and that something did happen, between us.

Thanks for all your comments. Some of you really hit the nail on the head when you said I was inexperienced, a late bloomer, young and naive etc. As you can tell already, she's left me very confused now , and I am still a little hysterrical too. I'm sorry I didn't make it clearer the first time that we didn't meet at a party-especially this so called rainbow party. Onece again, thanks for reading this second, poorly written article.

Quite frankly, I don't want to date a girl who refuses to see StarWars.
posted by swaters210 at 4:52 PM on April 15, 2007

crap. plese excuse all those mistakes again in the first couple of paragraphs. I'm sure there's more. I did try spell checking, but openofifces grammar checker doesn't seem to catch the same mistakes that word does.
posted by swaters210 at 4:59 PM on April 15, 2007

Man, after reading that, please take it to this Metatalk thread, so that you can be properly engaged— this question is either fake or you're a moron.
posted by klangklangston at 5:32 PM on April 15, 2007

Oh, as far as real advice— You fucked this one up, big time. You're basically acting like, you know, the textbook example of a creepy controlling guy, both freaking out about her sexuality and not taking pretty obvious clues to intent. Her problem? Well, she tried to not hurt your feelings, sent you mixed signals, and blew you out of pity, not realizing that you were totally fucking mental.
So chill out, take this as a learning experience, and stop with the judging her, capice?
posted by klangklangston at 5:42 PM on April 15, 2007

Thanks for following up, swaters210. And welcome to MetaFilter. The followup makes things a lot clearer--we were all assuming that you met the girl at a party.

I didn't bring the condoms with me because I didn't think I was going to get laid--

Yeah, I've made this mistake. Always carry condoms.

As far as your friend wanting to draw the line at oral sex: it sounds like she's trying to reconcile her upbringing with being able to enjoy some degree of physical intimacy--and hence emotional intimacy--with boys. It's kind of arbitrary, but it's her decision; it's not something you can win an argument about.

It sounds like the real issue is that you want an exclusive relationship--emotional and physical--with her, and that's not what she wants.

The fact that she wants to go to parties and make out with boys (which you disapprove of, but as you can see from the responses here, it isn't so uncommon) is not really relevant. If she adhered to the standards of a nun, but she didn't want an exclusive relationship with you, then you'd basically have the same problem.

It's not that she's "used" you, it's that she's rejected you. Rejection is always painful and confusing, but it's not a decision you can argue with--you can't use logic to convince her to change her mind. (To see what this looks like from the other person's point of view, read How To Dump a Guy.)

My suggestion would be to back off and try dating other people. My standard dating advice. See in particular If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? A quote:

Deliberately increase the flow of people through your life.

If you were searching for the perfect wallpaper, you wouldn't bring home one sample, live with it for six months, and then take it back and try another sample for six months. Yet that is how many people treat their search for a mate. They finally get one date. If they like the person even a little, they begin evaluating this individual against their highest standards, struggling to make the relationship work. They behave as though this is the last person they will ever have a chance to meet.

--if I didn't suffer from acute shyness, then I'd probably be going to parties and be picking up the ladies.

You might want to try reading some self-help books on assertiveness, e.g. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Or look for a workshop on assertiveness or self-esteem.

klangklangston: You fucked this one up, big time.

I don't know about that. She was willing to offer physical intimacy, but what he wanted was an exclusive relationship. So no matter how he'd handled things, it wouldn't have worked out. At most they could have gotten into a "friends-with-benefits" situation, which could have been even more confusing and painful (because it doesn't resolve the mismatch in feelings).
posted by russilwvong at 9:53 PM on April 15, 2007

Thanks for the feedback. I had a longer and more mature response tonight, but I felt it was just too much.

klangklangston, man you've got the wrong impression of me. NO i'm not a moron and I wish this post was fake. I wish it was fake more than anything. You know what happens when you google my handle? let's just say she can now easily find this post. Sure I didn't reveal our identities and our locations, but our relationship was unique; yet typical. Hopefully she'll understand that I came here for support, for advice, and for guidance.

She blew me because she liked me more than just "friends with benifits" or another guy, but she also did it because of what russilwvong said:


As far as your friend wanting to draw the line at oral sex: it sounds like she's trying to reconcile her upbringing with being able to enjoy some degree of physical intimacy--and hence emotional intimacy--with boys.

klangklangston:
You're basically acting like, you know, the textbook example of a creepy controlling guy, both freaking out about her sexuality and not taking pretty obvious clues to intent

Unfortunatly, I have to agree with you on that one. I did screw up any future chances of a relationship with her. I also have to agree with you about me coming off as the creepy and controlling guy. I just hope someday, she will understand that I had perfectly, logical reasons for my actions. I know I freaked out, but she could have been a little straightforward. Somehow, I thought she wasn't like the other girls, but I guess I assumed wrong. Again, there's nothing wrong with her lifestyle, but I was hoping to meet someone in the same boat as me.

russilwvong, thanks for the advice and I will take a look at the links later.
posted by swaters210 at 8:22 PM on April 19, 2007

let's just say she can now easily find this post.

Yeah, this would have been a good candidate for an anonymous question. You might e-mail one of the admins--mathowie, jessamyn, cortex--and ask if there's some way to delete the identifying information in this thread and the MetaTalk thread. (It'd be a bit of a pain for them, given how many times your account name has already been referenced in the two threads, so I'd suggest asking very politely.)
posted by russilwvong at 10:35 PM on April 19, 2007