How to deal with "bad" anniversaries

April 10, 2007 5:49 PM

What do you and those close to you do on the anniversary of something very bad that happened?

A year ago last week my sister was raped. It has been a tough year, but we (my family) are all gradually moving on. My sister is healing, slowly but surely.

On the anniversary of her being assaulted, we weren't sure how to behave. No-one mentioned it, but obviously it was on our minds. We got together for dinner and didn't talk about it directly, but I could tell that everyone was pretty emotional.

It's confusing for us because one of my aunts died quite young of cancer on almost the same day, and the parents, spouse and children that survive her always get together for a memorial ritual on each anniversary of her death.

What do you do? What do you think you should do? I realize there's no correct answer, but some advice from those who have gone through personal tragedies would be appreciated.

posted by randomstriker to human relations (20 comments total)

Ask your sister what she needs.
posted by availablelight at 5:56 PM on April 10, 2007

You might have tried to catch her in a moment alone at dinner to tell her that you've noticed how hard she's worked in the past year. You could still telephone her now with that sentiment, but keep it short and sweet unless she pursues the conversation further.
posted by kellygreen at 6:02 PM on April 10, 2007

Some pretty bad things have happened to me over the years, and inevitably people always remind me of the anniversary and ask how I feel. For the first year I didn't really mind because it was something I was still dealing with but by the second or third year, I've already gotten over it-at least to the point where I've forgotten the anniversary of the event.

In my very humble opinion, I would just be as supportive and loving as I would be every other day. It's not a special day.

The fact that her anniversary of the event was spent with family is a really good thing. I think you're good peeps for being concerned enough to ask about it. Just keep being there for her and you'll be doing a great job!
posted by snsranch at 6:19 PM on April 10, 2007

on the anniversary of my grandparents' deaths, i call my parents and just let them know i'm thinking of them. there's not much you can do, but just letting your sister know she's in your thoughts is a kind gesture.

i don't know if doing anything on that specific day would help, because it might be thought of as, "we're going out to dinner today because...".
posted by gursky at 6:39 PM on April 10, 2007

Sometimes all people are looking for is the comfort of the day to day usual behavior of those around them. Don't deny or hide or anything like that but maybe don't make an topic of it if she doesn't. Someone mentioned to me today that this is the anniversary of her husband's death. She said all she really wanted was to have a quiet reflective day without any unusual stress. Next year, I might remember it's this month but I probably won't remember the exact date and won't bring it up specifically. If anything I'll just remember to be generally kind and supportive and ready to talk if she wants to but, assuming she looks more or less ok and not especially unhappy, I probably won't bring it up first.
posted by scheptech at 6:40 PM on April 10, 2007

We have all kinds of rituals to memorialize the death of loved ones, but not so much for recognizing anniversaries of survived tragedy or pain.

Second kellygreen's suggestion of a quiet word to tell her that you're thinking of her.
posted by desuetude at 6:54 PM on April 10, 2007

While I definitely remember the days my parents died, I never do anything to commemorate those days. I celebrate their birthdays each and every year though by lifting a glass or saying something like "today would have been my mothers X birthday, and I am thinking of her." But as for bad anniversaries I do nothing.

However, your sister's situation is different as she is still alive. Personally I would just give her a huge hug, tell her I love her, and remind her that I am always there for her.

Kellygreen's advice is excellent as well.
posted by terrapin at 7:00 PM on April 10, 2007

Thanks for all comments so far.

We have all kinds of rituals to memorialize the death of loved ones, but not so much for recognizing anniversaries of survived tragedy or pain.

Yes, this seems to be the social convention. My gut tells me this is normal, but as one who tends to overthink everything I need more reasoning articulated as to why this is appropriate and healthy. And I guess I'm paranoid about behaving correctly toward my sister.

I guess the distinction I'm finding difficult to draw is between unhealthy avoidance of painful memories and progression beyond said trauma.
posted by randomstriker at 7:13 PM on April 10, 2007

I commemorate my father's death by lighting a candle, and having a quiet moment. The rest of my family doesn't find it important or valuable to remember the day, so they don't.

You clearly felt your sister's pain profoundly, and while you share in her healing process, you also undergo a healing process of your own. In addition to being there for your sister, as so many others have suggested, I recommend you figure out what you need, and do it for yourself and your peace.
posted by nadise at 7:13 PM on April 10, 2007

My sister died in late January of last year and this year on the anniversary of her death, I vowed to not be sad. It took all I had, but I didn't cry for her that day.

We don't necessarily have the ability to control everything that happens to us, but we can change how we act going forward. I decided that it did no good for me to spend the day depressed so I committed the whole day to fostering positivity in my life.

You don't have to outright acknowledge what happened to your sister, but maybe y'all can commit to volunteering or something on the anniversary of the day. It sounds corny, but sometimes doing some good in place of the bad, helps.
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:16 PM on April 10, 2007

I play some jazz when the anniversary of my mother's and father's death rolls around. They were jazz fans, as am I, and I find it easier to remember them smiling, laughing, and sometimes dancing when the music plays.
posted by paulsc at 7:38 PM on April 10, 2007

Anniversaries can be very hard for survivors of trauma. I have two very close friends friends who survived an attempted murder by arson; they escaped but lost almost everything they had in the fire. One of my friends also lost her career (they moved out of the town they were living in when it happened, and she was never able to find another tenure-track position in her field).

I know that, for them, the first few anniversaries were marked by recurrences of fears about someone invading their home again, by nightmares, by anxiety and depression. All they needed from loved ones, though, was for us to remember that was a tough time of year for them, and check in about how they were doing. Sometimes they wanted to talk about it, sometimes they wanted help distracting themselves, or someone to take their son for a day so they could be together.

I think it would have been hard for them if people hadn't remembered the anniversary. I would just ask them, "How are you doing?" and then follow their lead.
posted by not that girl at 7:51 PM on April 10, 2007

Yes, this seems to be the social convention. My gut tells me this is normal, but as one who tends to overthink everything I need more reasoning articulated as to why this is appropriate and healthy. And I guess I'm paranoid about behaving correctly toward my sister.

It's easier to find an appropriate way to mark the occasion of the anniversary of a death. We can smile and raise a glass in tribute to someone's whole life in memoriam, even if we're really really sad. We focus on celebration instead of (or as a way of) wallowing in grief.

Acknowledging anniversaries of painful events, especially in the case of an emotionally complicated assault like rape...well, that's touchier. But it's okay to acknowledge that you feel awkward and are afraid to do something that will make her feel worse. She may want the date to stop meaning this thing. Or she may use the day as an emotional marker -- after all, it will only get farther away. The only clear advice I can give is to NOT treat the anniversary like some sort of clear before/after line in how you think of her.

/been there for a few too many friends.
posted by desuetude at 7:58 PM on April 10, 2007

The only reason I am writing is that I know what it's like to have a date haunt you. My experience was less traumatic, but the date can bring back feelings of hopelessness and fear. I appreciate that my partner remembers that I really don't like the day, but it's also a challenge for me to not let it control me.

I've never been raped, and I assume it's much worse than what I went through (I witnessed a multiple murder). The only reason I am writing is that I've read a lot about trauma since my bad experience, in particular the holocaust. Most scholars seem to agree that forcing a person to commemorate or even acknowlege a trauma on someone else's terms can be painful.

As someone who has been able to move on, albeit from a less painful experience, I really like Kellygreen's idea. It gives her the opportunity to feel good about her struggle, but also let's her tell you what she needs.

If you don't mind my asking, do you think that there is someway that you could commemorate the day for yourself? Watching someone you love be hurt is hard, and you might want to think about what might help you through this. It might be totally separate from what your sister needs. I'm not a grief junkie-- i'm pretty much a stiff upper-lip kind of guy, and I live in Canada where people commemorate a terrible tragedy and crime against women in what I consider to be a voyeuristic and exploitive manner. I do, however, think it's legit for you to think about your experience as well as your sister's.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:31 PM on April 10, 2007

I live in Canada where people commemorate a terrible tragedy and crime against women in what I consider to be a voyeuristic and exploitive manner

Sorry for the derail gesamtkunstwerk, but is this referencing something specific or is it a general statement about Canadian people? Sorry if it's obvious.
posted by ALongDecember at 8:37 PM on April 10, 2007

I presume he's refering to the December 6th 1989 Ecole Polytechnique Massacre.
posted by stray at 9:14 PM on April 10, 2007

second gesamtkunswerk's suggestion that you mark the date for yourself if you like rather than make a family occasion of it - this would have to be initiated by your sister and would require everybody to be comfortable.

in terms of communicating with your sister - just tell her you love her.

on the anniversary of my mother's death i just reflect about life a bit and try to remember something nice about her, i normally don't talk to anybody about her death - it is just me and my thoughts.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:26 PM on April 10, 2007

Age brings with it a bunch of calendar blots.... dates where this or that happened. Pretty soon, the year is full of remembrances of one sort or another.

Mine include losses of friends and family, mostly. Some are oddly the deactivated dates that are no longer significant, like the anniversary of my wedding to my deceased first wife or her birthday.... when I hit those dates, I am reminded of how I am the sole repository of their significance and it's pretty sad.

I deal with them like some sort of precious tea that only I can consume. When these dates come around for me, I consider my good fortune at being a survivor, and use my consciousness to grant a small shred of immortality to my lost companions by fondly remembering them in some way. If I can share it with someone appreciative and worthy, I do, otherwise, solitude is my bittersweet lot.

On the rape... it's well outside my experience. I can't help but think that a well timed call to say "I was thinking about you and wanted to tell you how much you mean to me" might be a good support.
posted by FauxScot at 2:04 AM on April 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

after you've lived for awhile, there are honestly so many *happy* events to commemorate, so why dwell on the bad things?

if you must remember the sad event, take a brief moment and reminisce about it. but don't spend the whole day thinking about it and get yourself down or others down. positive thinking here!

two of my close relatives happened to die on my birthday, in separate years. and i happened to share a birthday with one of them! its was reallllyy awkward the first few times afterwards, (should we celebrate or not??), but like with most things, it's gotten better with time. i think marking the anniversary of your sister may be important for you and your family as the occurrence is still pretty recent, but as time passes you may find that you may not need honor the day at all.
posted by tastycracker at 4:17 AM on April 11, 2007

I certainly don't put this in the category of tragedy, but on the same date over about ten years, two of my grandparents died and my mom had surgery for cancer. Around that day, my family tends to get together for dinner at someone's house. We reminisce about my grandparents, toast my mom, and generally combine the quiet/reflective (we miss my grandparents) to the optimistic (yay, my mom has survived this many years cancer-free). And the more time passes, the less solemn it is, and the more accepting we are of what life sends our way. Clearly your situation is a different one, but probably in time the day can start to change, become less charged. Definitely let her know that you are there for her, and ask her how you can support her.
posted by bassjump at 4:39 AM on April 11, 2007