How do I strap it on?

April 1, 2007 9:45 PM

I’ve recently nailed a great job in an industry I’ve been trying to break into for years (finally, nothing to do with TV/film). But I want to learn how to “toughen up.”

I have no problem taking criticism when I make mistakes or even receiving suggestions about how to do a job more efficiently. I’m always ready to cop to an error and do whatever I can to improve. But I just can’t cotton to rudeness. My new boss recently lost his patience with me as I was trying to look something up in a database I (and the woman who was training me) was unfamiliar with. I was on the phone to him while he was abroad, trying to find the information he needed when he said bruskly, “Come on… this can’t be that hard. It’s just one piece of information I need. Come on!” The day before he replied to a question of mine with, “That’s the most ridiculous question you could ask me.” (BTW: No one else in the office seems shaken when he says these things to them.)

I realize this is not the equivalent of a supermodel throwing a crystal-encrusted cell phone at my head, but when I’m spoken to that way, I just shut down. Something in me starts to childishly pout, and I loose focus for the rest of the day.

In past jobs when I’m spoken to rudely I’ve either a) continued with the task at hand and then slunk off to the bathroom to cry or b) decided then and there that I would start looking for a new job.

But, this job is an important inroad for me and it seems Mr. new boss is going to be saying things like this to me on a regular basis. Does anyone out there have any techniques I can use to help unwussify myself? Toughen up a bit? I’m thinking of the equivalent of “Imagine they’re all in their underwear” to a person afraid of public speaking. I don’t expect I can just immediately change my personality.

The last thing I want to do is start resenting my boss to the point that I give up altogether. I need to stay here long enough to move on with my (hopefully) new career.

posted by Kloryne to work & money (30 comments total)

You have a tough choice to make here. You either need to learn to ignore it, which can't be explained any better than just that... or, you need to talk to your boss and say "When you said 'that's the most ridiculous question you could ask me', I felt that that was rude."

You really can't do much else here. There is no methodology to toughening up. You're going to either have to ignore it and deal with the fact that your boss is a douchebag silently, or you're going to have to tactfully and politely tell your boss to stop being a douchebag and hope he's not so much of a douchebag that it causes you a problem.

I'd opt for the latter, but I'm a crazy idealist who says "if that's the way my boss is going to treat me, screw him, I should be working elsewhere anyway."
posted by twiggy at 8:50 PM on April 1, 2007

I would push back, firmly, and (most importantly) nonchalantly. Don't let this guy think he can get the better of you. But not so much as to be rude or allow him to start an argument.

So when he says that's the most ridiculous question, I might have said, "That may be the case for someone like you with more experience, but I think it's a legitimate question. I need to know in order to do my job right." When he asks you to speed up your database search, I would have just said "Hold on, this is the first time I'm using this system, and it's not the most well designed thing in the world" (assuming he didn't design the thing himself).
posted by lsemel at 9:02 PM on April 1, 2007

Sounds like you have a toxic boss. That's something you'll have to put up with. Do not take it personally, the boss is a dick and because he's a boss, who's boss thinks he get results, he's right and that's why the boss is still there. Every corporation has their culture, some are less toxic. So let it wash off you like water off a duck and nod your head, even though the boss is sorely wrong. Strap it on and ride him./ Fuck yeah.
What business is this¿ may help with some more appropriate responses and about 'the culture'.

Never cop to an error, seems like the operative word in your new corporate culture. I sense getting in his face may not be the ticket for a promotion or long stay in FT employment there. Dissenters get sacked, till they find a more willing....ah, employee.

ITMT, I'd start looking immediately for another opportunity in your new field, that may have a less toxic environment. There may be more shops in the field to hang your hat in.

I also think TV/film would have toughened you up plenty. Any knives still remaining in your back¿

I agree with Twiggy's last paragraph, except the douchebag part, I'd say fucking fuck face, a favourite term used for stupid referees or players in my hockey league games. Yes, these are adults. No, really./
posted by alicesshoe at 9:06 PM on April 1, 2007

I would actually try and observe how the people he respects most in the office react to that type of behavior, or if he even behaves that way with them.

Is he testing you, trying to see what you're made of? Or does he just toss verbal cut-downs around all day long, because it makes him feel like mr. bigpants?

I think what you're reacting to is not so much how to ignore him, but how to react to it in a way that makes you feel comfortable dealing with him. If you're constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for him to say something that makes you feel small again, he will.

It's possible that he's just very impatient, and doesn't want to be called on behavior like that, and you do just need to try to keep your nose clean and avoid his wrath. Or he might only respect people who give it right back to him.

I have worked with people like that in the past. I had a boss who was just a naturally pushy guy -- it was the way he related to people he respected. When I finally learned that, I found it endearing. Once I became comfortable with him, I would just give him attitude back. An example:

He says: "That's the most ridiculous question you could have asked me."

I say: "It is most certainly not ridiculous!"

I also had another coworker who was just cranky. If he was in a bad mood, he would be mean and surly. My instinct was to sulk, but again, I just learned that was "his way" and that if I called him on (jokingly, usually), he would usually get a little sheepish about it.

He says: "That's the most ridiculous question you could have asked me."

I'd say: "Nah uh. That would have been 'are you the father of Anna Nicole's baby, mr. crankypants'?"
posted by pazazygeek at 9:14 PM on April 1, 2007

Whatever you do, don't get defensive, don't apologize, don't get flustered, don't attempt to explain yourself. Being defensive will just convince him that his criticism and attacks are warranted.

If he calls a question ridiculous, counter that you don't make assumptions where important business goals are at stake. If he berates you for not getting something done, blandly explain that it takes the time it takes. When the fox gnaws, smile.

Follow the old Public school motto and "Never complain, never explain".
posted by orthogonality at 9:19 PM on April 1, 2007

Agree with pazaygeek on observing the interactions between Mr. BossMan and the rest of the staff. Can they joke/gibe back at him? Do they just roll their eyes when he leaves and not let it affect their mood? Could it be part of the work culture? I used to work with all ex-military guys (as the only female) and they were ALL harsh with me from day 1. It was, however, just the culture, so the 2nd time Mr. Senior-Over-Me-Semi-Supervisor barged into my office shouting, "What the fuck were you doing with this? Are you a fucking idiot??" I stood up and screamed, "Don't you ever fucking knock, you asshole??" (WARNING: Obviously, you gotta understand the culture. Your mileage may screech to a halt using this tactic. I did get major points for that manevour, though.)

It's also possible he doesn't realize what he sounds like. Or that he doesn't care. In any case, you need to learn not to take it personally. There's a great book--Hardball for Women--that addresses these types of workplace interactions. (I'm assuming you're female. If not, it's still a good read in that it spells out a lot of business dynamics.)
posted by sfkiddo at 9:28 PM on April 1, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

However, I lost major points misspelling "maneuver."
posted by sfkiddo at 9:29 PM on April 1, 2007

Along with observing your coworker's reactions, I also suggest asking them how they deal with it. Say something like, "That guy can sure be an ass!", and see how they respond. If they say "ya, you should see him on his bad days", then you know it's just him, if they say "what? Are you some kind of sissy?" then you know it's part of the culture.

If it's part of the culture, then I would re-evaluate my willingness to work in a job where I'm expected to calmly accept frequent and insulting comments.
posted by philomathoholic at 10:07 PM on April 1, 2007

If he's a dick to you in person. Shut up, look him in the eye and fix him there with a stony gaze for a second before moving on.

As for what else you can do. Whatever you come up with, I'd suggest making a mark in your calendar for one month hence. On that day, seriously considered whether you've found a way to deal with this ass in a way that doesn't wear you down every day. I had a boss like that, I thought I could deal with it, but in retrospect, it took a hell of a lot out of me, and took a hell of a long time to rebuild my confidence again. It's the sort of thing that you don't necessarily realize is happening. If, at that point, you realize that you haven't found a good way to deal with it, it's time to quickly move on.
posted by Good Brain at 10:48 PM on April 1, 2007

Don't let this guy think he can get the better of you. But not so much as to be rude or allow him to start an argument.

Get away with what exactly? Kloryne sees her boss acting in one light. I may very well be off the mark, but chances are the boss a) doesn't realize how he is treating workers or b) treats workers like this because it's how he's trained to and it works at this particular office. If you wilt under pressure to extent you describe, I would be highly adverse to following these instructions because I doubt you could pull it off without things going very very badly.If you try and fail, the boss could very easily see you as a problem and makes things worse.
If you can pull off the questions lsemel proposes, I suspest you are a lot further along in your progress of being able to tolerate your boss than you realize.

Say something like, "That guy can sure be an ass!"

Just make absolutely sure the coworker and boss do not have any kind of frienship. Having been a boss before, it astounds me how much shit people talked about me to their coworkers which was in turn passed up to me. If the boss thinks you have something out for him, then life could easily become that much more of a living hell.

[I am the exact same way. I cannot stand your boss's kind of actions in real life and I, too, wilt. I've tried to talk to the boss about it and nearly flamed out in a blazing heap of glory to make languagehat proud.]
posted by jmd82 at 5:49 AM on April 2, 2007

Another tactic to try -- when he says something rude or abusive, take a beat, stare him down and say, Clint Eastwood-like, "Excuse me? What did you say?" Use a tone that indicates both incredulity at his rudeness and being a bit hard of hearing. The act of repeating himself might shake him out of his impulse to abuse, or at least he might think it's not worth repeating.

Having said that, I just had to extricate myself from a toxic-boss situation that was causing me to lose sleep and dread entering the office each day. I was a wreck on Sunday nights. I tried the 'I am a rock in the river, letting it flow over me until I can get back to doing my job' but I couldn't psychically distance myself. I tried feeling sympathy for the person and listening past the vitriol -- imagining they had a sort of uncontrollable Tourettes-esque thing going on. That didn't work either because I resented that this bully was feared and indulged, when most of the rest of us at least atttempted to mind our manners over the course of the workday. I tried the 'see how others handle it' thing, but all that did was make me lose respect for them as they allowed themselves to be verbally abused.

In the end, it was, as others have said, not the right culture for me. I survived 90 days.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:54 AM on April 2, 2007

I am seconding Hardball for Women. I had a VERY difficult time thickening up my skin for my first corporate job 12 years ago. It was SO hard to not take things personally. That book did wonders for me and I've recommended it to many people since. I use things I learned from it to this day. It really gave me some different perspectives that helped.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:01 AM on April 2, 2007

I think enduring working with or reporting to such people (who are somewhat common in certain industries... magazine publishing and banking, IME), comes down to your ability to (1) stand your ground when it happens and (2) not get stressed out by the anticipation of such a thing.

There's something about either my family background or my psychological makeup that I have never had too much difficulty in dealing with such people (and I have worked for MANY). But, my wife is incredibly sensitive to such jerks, and despite my encouragements and counseling, she became so unhappy with one such situation that she had no choice but to get out. It was a good job, but the person was wreaking havoc on both her emotional and physical well-being. I suspect it's the same for many people.

I don't think it's a question of "toughening up" or not. I think it's mostly got to do with personalities and behaviors that you can tolerate.
posted by psmealey at 6:09 AM on April 2, 2007

1. I don't think it's so much a matter with dealing with this particular person as it is how you see yourself and your place in the world in general. To that end, some sort of spiritual practice, or other activity that centers you (say, martial arts or yoga) would be extremely helpful. When you are centered within yourself, no remark can possibly touch you. It's being out of balance that causes you to get hurt.

2. That said, you don't need to purposely put yourself in harm's way. You do have choices here. No one would suggest you simply "toughen up" around an abusive spouse. Your first responsibility is to your own well-being, and if you're not at a place in your life where you can be truly centered, then getting out may be in your best interests.
posted by desjardins at 6:09 AM on April 2, 2007

You can try the Miss Manners approach. When confronted with rudeness, look boss straight in the eye and say firmly, "I beg your pardon?" He won't repeat himself if he's civilized.
posted by crazycanuck at 6:29 AM on April 2, 2007

Seconding the Miss Manners approach.

Of, you could try a slightly more pointed approach: you could think of it as taking his comment very, very seriously, and make him explain it very, very clearly: "That comment was a little unexpectedly gruff - Why would you say that? Why phrase it exactly that way? [pursuing it a bit further] What's the underlying management technique, so that I might benefit from your experience, someday, when I become a manager?"

If he has to *think* about what he's saying, even for just a moment, he might learn something. Especially if he has to think about what exactly he is accomplishing by saying these things.
posted by amtho at 6:48 AM on April 2, 2007

With the second approach abouve, you must be completely sincere in your desire to gain new knowledge, not sarcastic or cynical (and if you _feel_ sarcastic or cynical, it will probably show, so make sure you're in the right state of mind to try this). Not weepy, either, actually.

Also - first word of above comment should be "Or", not "Of".
posted by amtho at 6:59 AM on April 2, 2007

This may sound a little hackneyed, but if you're looking to develop mental toughness, I highly recommend learning a combat-oriented martial art.

Great fighters aren't just physically tough, they have tremendous wills, which have been honed through years of practice. You don't need to be a hulk to develop a fighting spirit. I've known 5', 100 lb women who have that "You will have to kill me to beat me" look in their eyes.

As an added bonus, you can pretend you're punching/kicking youre asshole boss while you're working on the heavy bag.
posted by Gamblor at 8:14 AM on April 2, 2007

Have people really found any of the snarky replies (Miss Manners or not) to consistently work? I've dealt with a lot of aggressive/childish personalities and those type of responses tend to only open for more of that behavior. (I think you can even look at Metafilter as a microcosm to see that it's not going to be successful.) Needless to say, this technique will do nothing for your own emotional ability to handle the criticism; it may end up affecting you more if you instigate even polite confrontation. Judging from your response at previous employers, your emotional investment in these confrontations is a larger issue than the confrontation itself.

If you can adjust yourself to register your boss's comments as a general "boss is upset again" and not a specific "you bumbling, stupid twit" then that's the first step. As long as you are processing what he is saying as a direct attack on you, you'll never be able to handle or quell it. A battle of wits in which you are emotionally invested is going to be considerably more difficult than one where you are not, especially considering the heightened investment now that you are in your dream career path (ie you have everything to lose if you get too caught up in the moment).

I think step two will be to pay attention to how your words and actions effect particular situations. Because you're not going to change him; in his mind, he got to where he is thanks to his attitude, so he's not sacrificing that for some sensitive newb. And you certainly can't discount that there is some aspect of how employee's deal with him that sets him off (whether justified or totally not). Maybe it's an awkward silence or the tone of an apology or I don't know, something. Ask yourself how you could have non-confrontationaly defused a particular situation or defused it better. There's a lot of finesse to dealing with angry people, and you're not just going to learn one awesome phrase or approach that will get you out of anything. You'll have to learn from experience... To be frank, it seems like this is something you should have worked on (but didn't) at previous jobs, and that's why this is so difficult now. You have a lot of ground to gain, and I think if you can learn to detach your emotional connection from these situations when needed, you'll be fine and happy. If you take every shot as an emotional shot, you're going to end up miserable or out of your dream career path.
posted by pokermonk at 9:26 AM on April 2, 2007

Don't stress it. My experience is that you can get used to this sort of stuff quite quickly, without doing anything special.

You've just started in your job, in a whole new industry, and it sounds like this is a big break for you. You're going to be naturally anxious about your performance and your social situation in the new office. Comment like this are many times more hurtful now than they will be in 3-6 months, when you're comfortable in the company. Also, you'll simply make fewer mistakes.

In may well be that in 3 months, is all water off a ducks back.

Short term, reinforce your own belief that you are right for the job, and that given some time you'll be great at it.

If he can take it as well as give it, then give as good as you get. You need to be a little careful, as you don't know where the boundries are yet, but that will make you feel a whole lot better.

Good luck.
posted by Touchstone at 9:34 AM on April 2, 2007

Well, the thing about Hardball for women that I liked was that it didn't tell you to be a bitch, it discussed how girls and boys are raised differently and think differently. That boys grow up doing a lot of competitive group things, where someone is your enemy on the field but you are having pizza with them afterwards. It's the game, it's not personal. Same with business... it's about getting a job done, it has nothing to do with anything personal against you or anyone. We women tend to spend a lot of energy on worrying about being liked and being nicey nice. This book helps you to see why that's not always in your best interest nor is it relevant in business.

Despite the title, it's not about becoming a manly bitch, it's just about how to stand up for yourself in that environment and not get so hurt. And about understanding why we -- by our natures -- have problems with that at times.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:08 AM on April 2, 2007

I've dealt with a lot of aggressive/childish personalities and those type of responses tend to only open for more of that behavior.

Exactly. This is more or less where I was coming from.

To be sure, some of the time you may encounter sporadic rudeness in people due the derives from insecurity, moodiness or social obliviousness. The Miss Manners approach may actually work to correct that behavior and help to establish boundaries.

But, far more often, particularly if you are working with very accomplished, very senior people who are accustomed to having their reports jump on command, the Miss Manners approach will definitely not work. If you respond to such behavior in such people with a cold stare (unless you are possessed of an imposing presence or preternatural gravitas), they will steamroll you. If you try the "I beg your pardon?", or the "I really don't appreciate that kind of talk" tactic, this may actually aggravate the situation, cause you to lose face or else get you painted as not being able to hack it in a tough environment.

I know this is incredibly unfair, but in my now 15 year career (in which I have worke with some of the most unbelieveable pricks you can imagine), I have seen as many people shrivel up in such situations as those that could rise to the occasion and stand their ground.

So, in short: a) it's not personal, please don't take it that way and b) insist (do not ask) on being treated with dignity and respect, however you need to do that. That can mean coming to peace with working for a real SOB and letting his words roll off your back, or can be done through direct, measured and consistent confrontation.
posted by psmealey at 10:08 AM on April 2, 2007

If you are going to confront the boss on it, I'd say save the confrontation for a time when he makes such a comment in private. Nobody likes to look bad in front of others, especially subordinates, and people are much more willing to change if they don't have to publicly admit that they were ever wrong. But yeah, also wait until he actually says something like that to you in private, and call him on it immediately. I think a "yesterday when you said X, I felt Y" conversation comes off as pretty wimpy and whiny, because it's after the fact.
posted by vytae at 1:48 PM on April 2, 2007

My new boss recently lost his patience with me as I was trying to look something up in a database I (and the woman who was training me) was unfamiliar with. I was on the phone to him while he was abroad, trying to find the information he needed when he said bruskly, “Come on… this can’t be that hard. It’s just one piece of information I need. Come on!” The day before he replied to a question of mine with, “That’s the most ridiculous question you could ask me.” (BTW: No one else in the office seems shaken when he says these things to them.)

have you considered that maybe you just weren't very good at your job on those occasions?
posted by ascullion at 3:31 PM on April 2, 2007

That boys grow up doing a lot of competitive group things, where someone is your enemy on the field but you are having pizza with them afterwards. It's the game, it's not personal. Same with business...

This is what I wish I could do.
posted by Kloryne at 7:56 PM on April 2, 2007

These are the most ridiculous answers you could've given me!

Honestly, thank you all very much. You all have put things in a new light for me. I really love the idea of trying to be centered in general (martial arts, as some of you suggested) but in the meantime, I'm going to check out that "Hardball For Women" book.

I think, now, that my main problem is that I'm too emotionally invested. I'd like to be able to temper my "feeeeelings" a bit while still caring enough to doing a good job.

I'll be saving this and reading all these answers over in the coming weeks ahead. (Only on week number 3, here.)

Thanks again -- and if you all have any more thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
posted by Kloryne at 8:08 PM on April 2, 2007

My personal technique for dealing with asshole bosses has been developing an instant-third-person perspective. That way, it's funny how someone with no class and no manners, who's dumber than a box of hammers, has somehow, through some cosmic joke, been given supervisory powers over me and a bunch of other people.

I mean, how silly.
posted by sacre_bleu at 10:13 PM on April 2, 2007

[a few comments removed, please take metacommentary or discussions with other posters to metatalk or email, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 10:28 AM on April 3, 2007

I agree with sacre_bleu, the key here is to decide that your boss is funny and strange. Act puzzled. Laugh. When people act like this it's because of a problem with them, not with you. That's funny!
posted by Richard Daly at 8:06 PM on April 3, 2007

A former co-worker just sent me a link to this book on Amazon. It seems germane:

The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't We all know them or know of them--the jerks and bullies at work who demean, criticize, and sap the energy of others, usually their underlings. It could be the notorious bad boss or the jealous coworker, but everyone agrees that they make life miserable for their victims and create a hostile and emotionally stifling environment. Fed up with how these creeps treat others and poison the workplace, Sutton declares war and comes out calling them exactly what they are--"certified assholes." Caricatured in sitcoms such as The Office, these brutes are too often tolerated until irreparable damage is done to individuals and the organization as a whole. Sutton's "no asshole rule" puts a stop to the abuse in no uncertain terms. Similar rules have transformed such companies as JetBlue, the Men's Wearhouse, and Google into shining examples of workplaces where positive self-esteem creates a more productive, motivated, and satisfied workforce. If you have ever been a victim, just reading Sutton's analysis brings calm relief, empowerment, and reassurance that you're not alone. David Siegfried

posted by psmealey at 8:38 AM on April 4, 2007