My Boyfriend Got Violent in Mexico

March 9, 2007 11:47 PM

I was in Mexico for three days with my boyfriend when he because physically violent. It was the first time he had ever done so. I have the bruises and cuts from earlier today. Because the incident took place in Mexico, US police say they cannot do anything. Do I have any options at this point? We're both applying to law schools, and the ABA has strict policies against criminal backgrounds. He's a criminal, but I don't know what to do. I can't believe he's getting away with this.
posted by Mister Fyodor to law & government (45 comments total)

He isn't a criminal in the eyes of the US law, so there is probably nothing you can do about it. Focus on keeping yourself safe and keeping him out of your life. You might consider some counseling for the trauma you experienced.
posted by nanojath at 11:57 PM on March 9, 2007

I can't believe he's getting away with this.

He didn't get away with this. He lost you, forever. A day may come for him when he will wish that he had gone to jail, because then you might have figured he had learned his lesson and taken him back.

And even if no one else knows but you and him -- he knows what he did, he knows that has to go into the hopper of who he is. Trust to the workings of time and his conscience for his punishment. All the lawyers in the world won't be able to get him out of that.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:12 AM on March 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

It can't hurt to take pictures of yourself, while the bruises and cuts are still fresh. You'd at least have them, with a time/date stamp of some sort, if you were to try to address it later.

More importantly, though, you have my utmost sympathies. I can't even imagine what you've just gone through, and I hope that you are completely safe now. Good luck!
posted by rossination at 12:24 AM on March 10, 2007

First of all, it's possible he has been violent before, with other people, and you simply don't know about those occasions, Mister Fyodor, which would mean the incident with you was not "the first time he had ever done so." Next, with all due respect, he's not "a criminal" because you say he's a criminal. He's only a criminal if a court, after due process, convicts him of a criminal offense. This seems like a really important point for a budding lawyer to understand and accept.

IANAL, and certianly not an international one, but I've done a lot of business abroad, and my general understanding is that, if you left the jurisdiction in which the altercation occurred, you've essentially given up rights to pursue redress under criminal law in that jurisdiction that might have existed, as any investigation now has significant jurisdictional issues to which you've contributed. Sorry to say, but in leaving the jurisdiction without pursuing a complaint (if that, indeed, is what occurred), you've aided and abetted his "escape," and authorities there will likely have a very jaundiced view of the matter if you return later to make complaint.

It's understandable. You may have felt you needed to leave the scene, for many reasons. But if you didn't pursue pressing charges, you may have allowed a person with violent tendencies to continue a life that will include future incidents, with other people. You saved yourself, perhaps, and by some people's lights, that's laudable, and sufficient. But others might say, if you didn't follow through on a criminal complaint where it would have done some good, you didn't meet your social obligation, and now, probably, you can't.

Your clear of this now. Take a lesson, but don't look back, and don't try to get even.
posted by paulsc at 12:42 AM on March 10, 2007

"Your clear..." = "You're clear.." of course.
posted by paulsc at 12:44 AM on March 10, 2007

DEFINITELY take pictures. Even if you can't get the DA to take criminal action, you may still be able to get an Order of Protection (or a Restraining Order, or whatever they call them in your state) in civil court. The Order of Protection will put your local law enforcement on notice of your ex's violent proclivities, and it's likely to turn up on background checks in the future.

But do talk to a domestic violence advocate first. Sometimes Orders of Protection can really help people who've been assaulted by their partners, but there's always the possibility that the Order will infuriate the abuser, and increase the risk of future attacks rather than decreasing it.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:52 AM on March 10, 2007

One quick, half-formed thought: maybe you can file a report with the Mexican police, so that he has trouble getting back into Mexico? I have no idea whether they would even accept the report, though, let alone act on it.

Also, civil action?
posted by robcorr at 1:40 AM on March 10, 2007

First, I want to congratulate you on doing the right thing for yourself and getting out of there. Too many people don't do this.

If nothing else, you should document what happened to you. Get a physician to make a report, get someone to take photos of yourself, and write a narrative of what happened. Definitely file a police report with the Mexican authorities, even if they won't do anything at this point. This all may be important if the person involved ever denies that it happens, and tries to sue you for defamation. It will also be important in getting a restraining order, which is a good idea.

Speaking of defamation, you could take the above information and provide it to law schools or bar associations. I'm not so sure if that would be such a good idea—if he found out he could sue you for libel, and you wouldn't have the same privilege, if any attached to police statements. It would be easy to prove your malicious intent and harm done, so then a court would have to decide whether your claim was factual. Definitely talk to a lawyer if you go down that path because you will probably need one eventually if you are successful in derailing his career.
posted by grouse at 4:06 AM on March 10, 2007

1. Dont ever be alone with this guy again.
2. Tell all your mutual friends.
3. Learn Brasillian Jiu Jitsu.
posted by the cuban at 4:23 AM on March 10, 2007

IANYAL, and IAN*Y*L:

From my understanding of civil intentional tort law, you more than likely still have a cause of action for civil assault. However, the longer you wait to document all of this, the harder its going to be to try and prove it. While criminal acts have to occur in certain jurisdictions, civil courts have the ability to remedy actions by its citizens that occur outside its borders, for the most part.

Lawyer up and take a serious look at this - it may be the best retribution you can get, while getting this out in the public and making him pay for what he did to you in as well.

(Once again, this is not legal advice. Contact and consult with competent council licensed in your area before taking any action.)
posted by plaidrabbit at 5:02 AM on March 10, 2007

I assume you have, as Dan Savage says, DTMFA? (Dump the mother fucker already) If not then do so now, forever, and with extreme prejudice. At the very least, you have learned a life lesson and avoided even worse things at his hands.
posted by JJ86 at 5:21 AM on March 10, 2007

The actions of its politicians aside, the United States is not the policeman of the world, and so, yeah, you'll have trouble prosecuting for what happened in Mexico. Decide whether your urge to punish is greater than your urge to move on and live a happier life. Since you're both interested in the law, consider that you have no legal options available to you if you do want to punish him. Can't exactly go beat him up without opening yourself up to legal hassles, too. Warn your friends about him? If he catches wind of that ... well, hope you can prove in a court of law what you have told your friends. What happens in Mexico, well, you know.

Learn to recognize the warning signs. You'll probably graduate to guys/gals who are emotionally abusive, rather than physical, before you pick up on all of the indicators. At least, that's how I've seen my friends progress.

Finally, don't dwell on it as a big traumatic thing. More recent information on PTSD hints that obsessively going over The Incident can just make things worse. You've probably gotten bigger injuries falling down stairs or in other of little life's accidents. He's just a big squishy pink stairwell, and you happened to take a tumble on his fists. He doesn't deserve more of your attention than a slipperly, poorly formed hunk of concrete, so don't give it to him.
posted by adipocere at 6:40 AM on March 10, 2007

Take pictures, get a restraining order, and hang up on him if he calls you and whines how sorry he is and he will never do it again.

Or else (and I do NOT recommend this) get back with him long enough for him to do it again, then call the cops on his sorry behind.

Or thirdly, if he calls you again, tell him that scenario two would apply. He should leave you alone after that.
posted by konolia at 6:51 AM on March 10, 2007

I think enough people have told you what to do - document what happened, take pictures. I won't repeat all that.

One of the most important things for you right now is to have no contact whatsoever with him. Most likely he will tell you that he is sorry, that it will never happen again. Hitting you is a deal breaker. He will sound unbelievably sincere and you may believe him when he says that he is sorry. Don't set yourself up. If someone will hit you once, they will hit you again, only next time it might be harder.
posted by sephira at 7:52 AM on March 10, 2007

By any chance was he taking malaria medication when this happened?
posted by zadcat at 7:57 AM on March 10, 2007

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I wanted to check if anyone knew of any legal options I had. I didn't think I did, but it didn't hurt to ask.

I am still in a state of shock over what happened; most of my thoughts are angry thoughts and, incidentally, thoughts of "getting even". Most notably, I'd like for what he did to go on some sort of criminal record so he'll have to explain himself to the ABA and to any future partners. I didn't drop my ethics and legal standards when I crossed the border. Looking at it from my perspective as a citizen of the US, he broke the laws of my country when he attacked me. It's unfortunate that it happened 30 minutes south of where that counts officially. Honestly, I think it would would help me recover if he could be held accountable, but that's life. It didn't hurt to check.

As for law schools, it was looking like we were headed in different directions - he was getting rejected left and right, I'm into a top ten. Maybe I'll look into putting effort into doing public work on domestic violence - it really is different from this side of the fence. There's an odd oscillation of shame and indignation associated with the memory, coupled with general emotional malaise. I guess I can take a newfound empathy away from this sad business.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 8:09 AM on March 10, 2007

I had a boyfriend who was violent with me at one occasion. I was breaking up with him.
Our situations are different but also similar.....
1-I took pictures of the bruises, I would recommend you do the same.
2-Get a restraining order. You will be surprised at how the authorities will be on your side. If he violates that order you can report it and have him in an orange jumpsuite in no time.
3-Never speak to him again.

My initial reaction was to let the whole thing go as the bruises were not "that bad"....the cops convinced me to get the restraining order he asked me if I would wait until he hit me with a baseball bat to get help....
He told me this and it made me realise that things can quickly escalate and next time you could end up dead.

Act now.

Good luck
posted by jek at 8:09 AM on March 10, 2007

He wasn't on malaria medication. We drove 40 minutes south of San Diego to a resort in Mexico.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 8:14 AM on March 10, 2007

There is nothing the Mexican police care about less than an American beating up another American while they're in Mexico.
posted by bingo at 8:19 AM on March 10, 2007

I should add: especially if they are both men. I know we're all being sensitive about not clarifying Mister Fyodor's gender because "it doesn't matter," but the authorities' perception in a situation like this does matter.
posted by bingo at 8:24 AM on March 10, 2007

Take pictures and get a restraining order.

If you want to get back at him take the pictures of yourself, write out your story, and publish a webpage that prominently uses his name in the keywords. Make the story very dry and factual. Every time an employer, girlfriend, friend, or family member Googles him, the story will come up. In some ways, I think this would be worse than if you arrested him.

However, I don't really recommend this. For one thing, it could really anger him, and he might consider retaliating or threatening you. Then you have that to worry about for the rest of your life.
posted by xammerboy at 8:32 AM on March 10, 2007

OP: He's a criminal

Later comment from OP: Most notably, I'd like for what he did to go on some sort of criminal record so he'll have to explain himself to the ABA and to any future partners. I didn't drop my ethics and legal standards when I crossed the border. Looking at it from my perspective as a citizen of the US, he broke the laws of my country when he attacked me.

He's not a criminal until he is charged with a crime and convicted. IANAL, but the laws of your country do not apply to an assault allegation in another country.

As others have noted, you can file a report with the Mexican police. You can seek a restraining order here in the US from US authorities, if you feel that he poses a threat to you. Beyond that, from what you say it sounds like he's not getting into law school and you are, and you'll be well rid of him.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:46 AM on March 10, 2007

There's an odd oscillation of shame and indignation associated with the memory, coupled with general emotional malaise. I guess I can take a newfound empathy away from this sad business.

Hang in there. Having a loved one turn on you is about the worst betrayal there is.

On the other side of it: living well really is the best revenge.
posted by tkolar at 8:58 AM on March 10, 2007

Robert Angelo: Thanks for taking my comments out of context.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 8:58 AM on March 10, 2007

I should have been more clear: I used "criminal" in a conversational, informal context when I did. I understand that it doesn't technically apply. That is what my post is for.

That said, the anger is easily keeping the situation in check. It's when I get back to school and the anger subsides that I will need to keep in mind the advice on this board.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 9:03 AM on March 10, 2007

Mister Fyodor, my apologies. I didn't mean to offend. My reading was that you were asking for advice on how to get this incident on a criminal record.

You have my sympathies for the horrible situation you have been through. Good luck
posted by Robert Angelo at 9:11 AM on March 10, 2007

We're both applying to law schools, and the ABA has strict policies against criminal backgrounds.

Actually, the policy is one of full disclosure. The only no-no is lying on the application.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 9:18 AM on March 10, 2007

p.s. good luck in law school!
posted by Saucy Intruder at 9:19 AM on March 10, 2007

In my job, I look up criminal histories all the time (for a social work purpose, not for an employment purpose) and restraining orders and RO applications do show up there. Just a thought. I'm sure this varies state to state...
posted by purenitrous at 9:22 AM on March 10, 2007

"... I guess I can take a newfound empathy away from this sad business."
posted by Mister Fyodor at 11:09 AM EST on March 10

That is real wisdom, rearing its head. Depending on what form of law you may eventually practice, you could be dealing with people in crisis, much of the time. And it will serve them, and perhaps you, as a lawyer and as a human being, if, at some critical junctures, you can yourself remember the mix of feelings, and the seemingly chaotic sequence in which they present themselves, that you have experienced.

Once a situation gets out of hand, the fraility of human reason is revealed, and it is hard to explain that loss of order to anyone who has not experienced it. But to share another person's pain and doubt, and to work with their situation in a time of crisis, I think you need to be able to tell them that path out of the maelstrom can be found, and that life can return to "normal."

I hope that it does, soon, for you, Mister Fyodor.
posted by paulsc at 9:33 AM on March 10, 2007

I'm a 22 year old female, to clarify.
posted by Mister Fyodor at 9:51 AM on March 10, 2007

Take pictures, get a restraining order, and hang up on him if he calls you and whines how sorry he is and he will never do it again.

Better yet, get caller ID and never ever answer his calls ever again. Let him talk to your answering machine. Archive his messages (with time stamps) in case they ever need to be used as evidence.

You need to be aware that if you get a restraining order, that will piss him off. In fact, it may piss him off enough to come looking for you. If you have great faith in either your ability to keep him from hurting you, or great faith in the ability of the police to get there in a big hurry (before he hurts you *and* before he leaves), go for it.

Make sure all your friends are aware of what happened (go on and show them the pictures), and that the administration of your new law school (congrats!) know there is this guy who might want to hurt you. Please tell me you are going to different schools?

Finally, you might want to get a copy of The Gift of Fear. Read it. I think it may give you insights that will help you both as a lawyer and as a human being.
posted by ilsa at 10:17 AM on March 10, 2007

You very much could sue him for assault, which is a civil tort every bit as much as it a criminal offense. Jurisdiction for lawsuits is based upon the location of the defendant, not the location of the tort, whereas the location of the criminal offense typically sets jurisdiction for prosectusion.

Bar applications always, and law school applications sometimes, require one to disclose if they have ever been party to a lawsuit. Your (ex) boyfriend would have to disclose the particulars of the suit, and a physical assualt lawsuit, particularly if you won, would draw the eager attention of most character and fitness committees, and of law school admission officials who thought to ask.

The degree of background investigations varies quite a bit, so the way you'd work your coldest revenge would be a few months after he were admitted (four years or so in the future). Since he likely would have neglected to disclose the lawsuit's existence at all, your complaint would reveal a material mistatement on a matter of critical importance in an application. High likelihood of disbarment.
posted by MattD at 11:46 AM on March 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

Look in your phone book for the domestic violence hotline in your area. Give them a call and see what local counselling resources they can connect you with. This is what they're there for - not only for women in many-year abusive relationships with kids -- so don't think "oh, my case is just a one-time thing, and we're not lower-class so I shouldn't be wasting public resources" or whatever. Just give them a call, this afternoon.

It sounds like it would be useful to see a counsellor at least once, and they would have a good idea of what the restraining order etc procedures are in your area. Good luck.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:12 PM on March 10, 2007

Maybe I'll look into putting effort into doing public work on domestic violence - it really is different from this side of the fence. There's an odd oscillation of shame and indignation associated with the memory, coupled with general emotional malaise. I guess I can take a newfound empathy away from this sad business.

What a great outcome that would be. Kudos for the inspiring attitude. Think of all the other bastards you could help nail.
posted by scarabic at 1:19 PM on March 10, 2007

If you really do want to get back at him, he'd probably have to explain a restraining order when it came to passing the moral part of the bar.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 2:29 PM on March 10, 2007

Very likely you have already entertained this thought, Mister Fyodor, but it's awfully lucky for him that this took place in Mexico, which effectively reduces the probability of prosecution to zero, rather than in the States.

Do you think you were set up? Do you think, in other words, that he lured you to Mexico so he could beat you up with impunity? If so, and the fact that he is trying to become a lawyer, and the fact that this seems to have happened without warning signs (did it?) overbalance the scales toward yes in my opinion, he is far too dangerous for you to even consider taking any action against unless you are absolutely sure he has no further opportunity to harm you. I would assume he is some form of psychopath, and act accordingly.

If this was a planned attack, you are extremely unlikely to be his first victim, considering the sophistication he has shown with you. You might try to get on the grapevine and see what you can find out; if another victim has already come forward, your account would be much more likely to be taken seriously, but in good conscience, I must say I think you could be choosing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good by saying anything even under those circumstances.
posted by jamjam at 2:55 PM on March 10, 2007

Really sorry.

Hey, I'm really surprised no one's suggested: get a lawyer (down there and/or up here) and ask THEM for advice rather than (or at least in addition to) this homespun crowd. That's what lawyers are for. Hey, that's why you're in law school to become, no? ;)
posted by jimmyjimjim at 3:35 PM on March 10, 2007

also, i like the advice to see a domestic violence pro, who'll have lots of experience in ensuring nothing you do comes back to haunt you later (i.e. further enrages this creep).

The other reason to do so is that if you do choose to enter this field, it's a great opportunity to really pass through the scene and see how it works, how you can maybe one day make it better, etc. I'd go through all the various crannies of this system, almost with the eye of a journalist, taking careful measure of what you see and how it makes you feel. You'll thank yourself later if you choose to get into the field (or if you must, at some point, choose not to, but want to do so fully informed).
posted by jimmyjimjim at 3:45 PM on March 10, 2007

Mister Fyodor --

I agree with everyone who says "file a civil action." Since your goal (quite reasonably) is to make sure he never practices law, suing him for assault and battery will go a long way toward accomplishing this goal.

(1) When someone applies for admission to a state bar, the application invariably asks if the applicant has ever had a civil judgment entered against them. If so, the bar wants to know all of the details. A judgment for battery would possibly prevent him from being admitted to the bar.

(2) If he fails to report the judgment to the bar when he applies for admission, that could also result in his disqualification from practicing law. You find out where he has been admitted to the bar, and you send them a letter detailing the judgment against him, and if he failed to report it, he will possibly be disbarred.
posted by jayder at 5:44 PM on March 10, 2007

Oh, and if you find out where he has been admitted to law school, you might send the school administration a letter about his violence and copies of the photos.
posted by jayder at 5:46 PM on March 10, 2007

I just saw that MattD had already imparted the advice in my first comment. Guess I should have read the thread first.
posted by jayder at 5:47 PM on March 10, 2007

Sorry to spam this issue three times, but I do have one more suggestion.

If this really does spur you into being an amazing lawyer working on these issues (or working even more passionately on ANY issues), that would be awesome. That's a classic example of making lemonade from lemons.

If, on the other hand, you bog down in revenge and anger, then what was really only a few seconds/minutes of violence will be something you continue to engage with for months/years. It ain't worth it. He's not worth it. If there's something you can realistically do to protect others from his abuse, great. But revenge? Nah. You don't need it. You're way too cool and have way too bright a future of doing positive things and being happy. Don't spend another minute in a relationship with this creep (revenge is a relationship....hatred is a relationship...lingering on this bad scene is a relationship).

Use this to soar, not to turn a bad scene which is over into something that rots you and drags you down. Every minute you spend thinking/scheming/festering is another minute of violence he's afflicting on you. Why give him that power?
posted by jimmyjimjim at 7:04 PM on March 10, 2007

jek is absolutely right.
Further, just to be on the safe side, I'd consider getting and carrying a MACE canister, or at least pepper spray (when I say 'at least', I'm not saying pepper isn't effective- but MACE will take him down. Put it on your keys; you carry your keys all the time, right?) You see him in the street and he approaches you, smiling or not: spray into the eyes, no questions asked. Check with the local cops for a supplier.
One note: I've never even considered hitting a woman. I detest and loathe men who do. There is no excuse for hitting another person in any case besides defending oneself or others.
This guy must be going through HELL right now. His academic career and probably his life's dream is dying in front of him. He's probably tens of thousands of dollars in debt and no escape in sight. Furthermore, he knows that if you say one word to his school- he's cooked, no degree, no job, nothing.

YOU ARE TOTALLY THE WRONGED PARTY HERE. HE WAS WRONG.

All I'm saying is, if he calls and wants to apologize, if he can learn enough from this experience to change the type of person he is...and I know this sounds stupid to even say to someone in your position, and I still think you SHOULD look into pressing charges with school or the Border Control agency- but on a personal level, it might be healing to allow him to verbally apologize...and it's your right to accept it or not.
You'll be in my thoughts. I'm a high school teacher, I worry CONSTANTLY about my students of both genders and I'd go ape if that happened to one of 'my' kids.
posted by tristanshout at 8:02 PM on March 10, 2007

I have a few more thoughts on this...basically there are two kinds of abusers...those with a low frustration threshold who act out like grown up toddlers, and those who are calculatingly evil. You need to determine which of these types you are dealing with and act accordingly.

If the guy has been verbally abusive and controlling in the past, you need to be very careful what you do (per some of the above posters.) Not every abuser is a calculating stalker but enough are so that you need to be careful.

(I won't ask if drugs or alcohol were involved here but you might take that into consideration. Also, if there has been uncharacteristic aberrant behavior,, possibly a mental illness is manifesting. He'd be the right age for something to pop up.)
posted by konolia at 8:14 PM on March 10, 2007