Is he gay like me? Will it work out? The messy process of coming out ...
Hi everyone,
I'm facing a dilemma in my life right now and I could use some general advice. I am 23 years old, a virgin, and just recently came out of the closet to my socially conservative Christian parents (as well as two liberal-minded, supportive friends). I used to be quite religious and when I had my first crush on a guy in college, I opted for "ex-gay" reparative therapy to no avail. Five years later, after experiencing romantic feelings for a guy slightly younger than me over the summer, I realized I had no other way of finding happiness except by coming out of the closet and leading a gay life. But things are still complicated.
The guy I met over the summer at an academic study program is attractive, smart, funny, friendly, etc. I really felt in the first few weeks that he was taking an interest in me that was more than platonic by staring me down (it seemed like he was checking me out) on more than one occasion. When we finally got to introducing ourselves to each other and talking, I sensed that he was quite interested with what I was doing with my life in general (though at this stage neither of us mentioned relationships). When I added him as a friend on a social network site, I saw that he was in a relationship with a girl. At that point, I told myself I must have been wrong and that maybe he was just staring at me in a completely platonic manner. It happens sometimes.
But that's exactly when things started to get rather tense and awkward between us. The remainder of the summer involved jealous competition in academic terms mostly from his end: it seemed that he was often trying to prove that he was better than me at the subjects being studied. There were days when I would say hello and though he would be standing right in front of me and hardly preoccupied, he refused to respond. The following day, as if to make up for being rude, he would be very chatty and friendly. Things went back and forth like this. Sometimes he seemed flattered that I was conversing with him one on one; he would turn bright red in the face and smile. The staring continued and there were times when he'd return my glances with a deliberate grin. If I was ever in a bad mood, he seemed slightly hurt by my being cold and I felt that I had to say something nice or neutralizing to let him know that I wasn't upset with him. Towards the end of the summer, he would openly compliment my choice of dress and seemed keen on eating dinner at the same table as me and even seemed intent on following me to wherever I would go after dinner. I also observed that he would reciprocate a lot of different behaviors. If I brushed him on the shoulder gently to say Hi, he'd do the same a day or a few days later; if he saw that another friend of mine was dumping his muffin crumbs in my tray because that person didn't use a tray, he would do the same the following day; if I was in a bad mood and wasn't cheerful when saying hello, he'd be just as cold shortly afterwards; and so on. Towards the end of the summer, he seemed to be indirectly asking me about my sexual orientation: he asked me whether I frequent a certain part of the town I live in that is known as a gay hotspot, and later, in a broad conversation about relationships, he asked me rather abruptly what I wanted with my life at that moment. When I mentioned that I haven't had as much independence as I would like because of my parents' conservative expectations, he seemed insistent on reminding me that I know what I want and that's really what counts. Of course, since I wasn't emotionally ready to come out, and since I knew he had a girlfriend, I just said I wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to figure out what to do with my life career-wise. He seemed impressed by my artistic capabilities since he has an appreciation for the performing arts himself. One day, he was sitting on a couch studying and I ran into him and started talking about different things. When I was about to leave for my room, he seemed disheartened and placed his hand on the spot next to him to indicate that I should sit there and study with him. Since my feelings for him had been growing all along, I was nervous a lot of the time and politely said I should return to my room to get work done. I felt bad about that later and returned to his study spot and just continued to talk about different things. When a mutual friend of ours randomly brought up the issue of gay marriage and how she believed that two men or women who love each other should have every right to happiness, we both looked at her as neutrally and placidly as possible, and then looked at each other at the exact same moment as though we both suspected that the topic being discussed was personally relevant to both of us. The tension was palpably thick.
I could go on with other examples. I really got the sense that he was probably in the closet (at the very least bisexual) since the behavior I observed tends to be associated with behaviors resulting from an attraction. Of course, it's also possible that he's just a sensitive, competitive straight guy with whom I had some very awkward personal chemistry. Two months after the summer ended, his girlfriend left him. They had been planning an elaborate vacation for the winter holidays but those plans got scrapped. He told me about two months afterwards about what had happened and admitted that he was still in denial about the whole thing and that he would "check back" with me later. I couldn't help but wonder whether what had happened over the summer had anything to do with his girlfriend of two years suddenly deciding to walk out on him. He never struck me as the kind of guy that cheats (though, admittedly, she could have left him for any number of reasons). I'd say the two most important pieces of evidence against everything I'm saying is 1) that he has never once initiated communication with me electronically (he's geographically too far for in-person communication) since the summer ended, though whenever I got in touch with him, he was always warm and friendly and occasionally seemed really happy that I was talking to him. At one point, when I mentioned my plans for next year, he said, "Maybe we won't be that far apart. At least compared to now anyway. lol" and 2) that he mentioned that he was looking forward to traveling to the location he and his ex-girlfriend had been planning to visit. Of course, the fact that he's had a girlfriend for so long would have made me write him off from the very beginning except that, as I said, it was after I found out that he had a girlfriend that I began to see signs of a possible romantic attraction.
The good news is I'm planning to meet him in person in a short while (and he seemes excited about this) and I mentioned to him that I needed a chance to talk to him in private at some point. He agreed. I plan to have a conversation which involves me telling him that I'm gay, that I fell for him over the summer, and that I also thought there were at least a few reasons for me to believe that the feelings were mutual. I might be wrong about him being gay or bisexual, but I'm also positive that he sensed that I was attracted to him (because I could see how uncomfortable this made almost on a daily basis). So, I don't think he'll be super-shocked to hear that I'm gay or even that I was attracted to him. On the other hand, the bit about the feelings being mutual is rather heavy, awkward stuff for a conversation with someone who is at the present time just a friend. I realize that I risk endangering our friendship with this conversation and I plan to tell him this very frankly at the outset. I sense that he knows that this conversation is coming. My question to all of you is, how should I go about the conversation? If I just say I'm gay and avoid bringing up the issue of my feelings or his feelings, then the conversation will revolve around me: I'll be doing all the talking about coming out, religion, conservative parents, etc. and he'll be doing all the listening. But the point is to get him to talk and tell me once and for all whether he was or is interested in a relationship. I've waited for months and I need to move on with my life by getting either resolution or closure on this matter. This is why I feel I have to bring up what I thought unfolded over the summer and let him do most of the talking. Your advice would be greatly appreciated =)
Corey
posted by cscott to human relations (25 comments total)
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Just tell him you like him now! Don't complicate things by trying to suss out what happened over the summer.
posted by footnote at 2:35 PM on February 9, 2007