How to be more sexually communicative and experimental with my partner?
June 24, 2010 1:00 PM   Subscribe

My partner has a wild sexual history and would like to incorporate threesomes into our sex life. I am not comfortable with this idea at all. Do these sort of discrepancies point to some sort of sexual incompatibility? (Many more details insides . . . NSFW.)

A couple of weeks ago, my "boyfriend" and I took an ultra-miniature vacation for one night. (I use the term "boyfriend" loosely, because even though we act as if in an operational, committed relationship, he's still hesitant to label it as thus.) He took pictures using his iPhone. The next morning, while he was still asleep, I decided to look through those pictures. I accidentally found something that made me uneasy -- a picture he had taken of his crotch, shorts on but unbuttoned, revealing his underwear.

Obviously, this picture, which had apparently been taken about two weeks prior, bothered me. All day long I struggled with how to bring it up to him. Finally, on the way home, I asked if I could see the pictures on his phone. I had decided to feign discovering the picture in question and gauge his reaction (in hindsight, probably not the best way to go about the issue). But before letting me see his phone, he said he needed to do something. What he was doing was deleting the picture. At this point, I just confronted him about it. I told him I had already found the picture that morning and that it was really bothering me. He responded by telling me he had taken it when he had been feeling particularly naughty and that he had had every intention of sending it to me -- that, in fact, it had been meant for me -- but that he had chickened out. Apparently, he was afraid I wouldn't like it, or that it would make me uncomfortable. (For the record, my reaction would have been the complete opposite.) And so that was that.

But this led to us having a long-overdue conversation on sex. He's had lots of sexual experience before me; I've had very little before him. Whenever we do have sex, I feel like I have to initiate it. He's usually more than willing once it's started, but he never starts it himself. And we don't have sex as often as I would prefer. Usually, it's only once every week or two. We've had a difficult time expressing and communicating to each other on a sexual level, so I was glad we were actually starting to talk about things. He started telling me all the things he was into -- domination, humiliation, that sort of stuff -- which I'm more than willing to try out, which is what I told him. I also tried to explain to him that I wasn't a prude. I asked him to ask me about things concerning sex rather than simply assuming that I would or would not like something.

This led to him saying there were some things he simply knew I was too "square" to do. After prying, I discerned that he was chiefly referring to threesomes, which was a often occurring activity in his previous longterm relationship. One part of me is attracted to the idea -- but I know the emotional implications would be too much for me to handle. And I told him that I drew the line there -- it's something I just wouldn't do and probably would never change my mind about. But just the fact that he still would like to do that sort of thing makes me feel like I am not enough for him, sexually speaking, even though he said it was okay that I did not want engage in that behavior.

He may have a hard time talking to me about sex and what he likes and doesn't like, but he doesn't have a hard time talking about it with friends. Just the other day, he and a friend were having a rather explicit conversation about things they enjoyed -- but why does he so seldom tell me those things? The fact that's so sexually liberal and open with other people besides me sometimes makes me a little uncomfortable and confused.

That was about two weeks. We haven't had sex since then, even though I tried once to initiate things. So all of this long-winded backstory is to ask this question:

Does all of this point to some sort of sexual incompatibility between us? Am I overanalyzing things? Does the fact that he still think about things like threesomes mean that he won't stop thinking about them. Do any of you have any experience regarding threesomes within relationships?

Thanks in advance.
posted by fignewton to Human Relations (50 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
Yes, you are sexually incompatible. Plus, my creep-o-meter is going crazy (something about the way he is not initiating sex, but asking you for sex acts that are all about power and control over you; I think your "boyfriend" has a problem).
posted by zia at 1:12 PM on June 24, 2010 [23 favorites]


There are times when you fuck someone. There are times when you make love to someone. There are occasionally lucky relationships where you can do both.

My fast interpretation is that dude is using you as a peterpark, and you need to either draw a line in the sand and stick to it, assuming what you want is a relationship.

If you don't want a relationship, or you're not worried about that, it's fine to draw a line in the sand about what you want to do, and to stick to it. Actually, that's fine regardless of what you want from the union. If you're ok with the "not" relationship, and you're still willing to bang him/let him bang you, then you're going to have to accept that he's not going to probably be monogamous.

Seriously, you're letting dude stick it in you (sorry for vulgarity) but you're not stressed that he won't even bother to refer to you as "girlfriend." If you're just having fun, awesome. If you want something else, this dude is probably not at that point in his life.
posted by TomMelee at 1:14 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


I think I'd vote with "sexual incompatibility" here. He sounds like he feels awkward/bad about talking about BDSM/threesomes with someone who isn't sexually experienced, and it sounds like you wouldn't be into it anyway, and he knows that. So what's the point in talking about it with someone he knows won't say yes to it?

If someone has sexual urges that won't go away (these probably won't), either (a) the person tries to live without it, or (b) you have an open relationship and let him get those needs met by someone else. Sounds like neither option works here for both of you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:15 PM on June 24, 2010


Best answer: Oh honey.

You deserve partner who is going to initiate sex with you, respond enthusiastically when you initiate, send you the naughty crotch shots, and not pressure you to bring a third party into your sexy time.

Do you hear me? All of those things, in one guy!

You can have that. But not until you throw him out of your bed.

This guy also rings my alarm bells. Sex only once a week and he thinks he has, what, earned a threesome?

Maybe he's really nice, but he's not even willing to call your relationship something meaningful.

You can get all the stuff above, and that guy can be an amazing, considerate boyfriend.

This fellow is none of these things.
posted by bilabial at 1:18 PM on June 24, 2010 [40 favorites]


Whay zia said.
posted by kjs3 at 1:20 PM on June 24, 2010


That was not to imply that he'd 'deserve' a threesome if he'd give you nookie more often.

A threesome is not something that is earned.
posted by bilabial at 1:23 PM on June 24, 2010


If he's so wild and you're so tame, why is he even with you? What if he likes the fact that you are "square"? It could be a form of domination and humiliation that he gets off on, that you think he's dirty or a pervert.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:23 PM on June 24, 2010


I would't call this "sexual incompatibility". What you have here is a communication incompatibility.

The differences you've expressed in your sexual histories, your libidos, and your sexual interests can all be worked on. And IMO, all those differences aren't insurmountable.

The red flag is that you two apparently can't have frank, honest discussions about any of it.
posted by whycurious at 1:23 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Does all of this point to some sort of sexual incompatibility between us? Yes.

Am I overanalyzing things? No.

Does the fact that he still think about things like threesomes mean that he won't stop thinking about them. Probably.

Do any of you have any experience regarding threesomes within relationships? Yes. It doesn't work as a solution to anything.

**

This is not directly addressing your questions and I don't know anything except what you've written, so feel free to ignore it. To me, your "boyfriend"s behavior is very troubling. First, he is not willing to commit to you. Then, he also does not initiate sex, and has conveyed in no uncertain terms that he's very "experienced". Third and most importantly, he is calling you square, and definitely making you feel square, for not being open to the idea of a threesome. And you two have not had sex since this came up, even though you tried.

Now, I may be overanalyzing, but this adds up to serious manipulation in my book. He makes you feel insecure, reinforces your idea that you're not experienced (while neither initiating sex nor using his 'knowledge' to communicate with you in bed or make you more comfortable with sharing your sexuality), and then finally reveals his real desires but still manages to make you feel like you are not enough for him. It seems like he's waited, withheld, and finally set up the idea of threesomes and whatnot as the solution for both of you to satisfy each other.

There's sexual incompatibility here, yes - but with this kind of person (who is NOT open in bed except on his own terms) you will never be enough, and you will never get what you want. God, I hate recommending this, but I've been in a situation like this and I can't not at least suggest that you consider leaving him, because this does not sound like a relationship in which you will be able to find yourself, and are very likely to lose your confidence and get hurt.

In any case, don't put any stock in the quantity of someone's prior sexual experiences. Even if they are true, which they often aren't, it's irrelevant and should not be used to make you doubt yourself or feel inadequate.
posted by mondaygreens at 1:24 PM on June 24, 2010 [12 favorites]


This guy sounds like a real creep. Dump him and look for someone who is able to communicate and initiate.

This guy has issues that you can't, and shouldn't, be responsible for addressing. Kudos to you for being willing to initiate tough conversations about what you like and what he likes, and being open to trying things out. That shows real emotional maturity- maturity that your current partner (and I use that term loosely) clearly lacks. Find someone who can match your emotional maturity and is willing to have the tough conversations, and ditch this loser.
posted by arnicae at 1:25 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


This led to him saying there were some things he simply knew I was too "square" to do.

This was what started the red flags waving for me. No matter what the conversation was about, whether it be threesomes, pole dancing or white-water rafting, why would you want to be with someone who passes judgment on your personal experiences and preferences this way? And by "be with," I mean in ANY way - sexual or not. This guy sounds like an ass, to be frank, and my advice would be to run far and fast. Name-calling is not a tactic an adult should be using in what should have been a serious and respectful conversation for all parties involved.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:27 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]


Looks like everyone is assuming that you mean "add another girl" to make a threesome. If it's actually "add another guy" then that's a different dynamic, maybe?
posted by tizzie at 1:28 PM on June 24, 2010


What bilabial said, x 1000. This guy sounds like a creep, and you deserve better.
posted by torisaur at 1:31 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Run. He's hiding something and trying to make you feel inadequate to cover it up. Or he's trying to get you to break up with him by refusing you sex, relationship status and communication... while presenting his needs in terms he thinks you will deem to be unacceptable and, when that fails, making inaccurate assumptions about what he "knows" about you. Life is too short for passive aggressive b.s. like this.
posted by carmicha at 1:34 PM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]


I was just going to ask, is he saying you're too square to add another girl, but is he too square to add another boy? If that isn't mutual, I don't think he can say he's being more "wild".
posted by mdn at 1:34 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


I use the term "boyfriend" loosely, because even though we act as if in an operational, committed relationship, he's still hesitant to label it as thus.

Aside from the sexual incompatibility, this is a red flag of huge proportions. This is more than simply not wanting to commit. I may be extrapolating here (so take the following with a pinch of salt), but that sounds like he might want to say to himself that he might want to keep the door open to fulfil his sexual desires elsewhere, and for that not to be "cheating".

I don't want to get all DTMFA on you, so I'll just say: Things don't look so great, and you should tread very carefully, and look out for your own interests and feelings first and foremost.
posted by idiomatika at 1:37 PM on June 24, 2010


Does all of this point to some sort of sexual incompatibility between us?

Maybe? I'm leaning more towards a general disconnect between what you and he want from your relationship. You're writing sort of like you expect to establish a long-term relationship with this guy, then again this question isn't loaded with the usual "oohhh he's simply wonderful!" stuff that usually goes along with that sort of expectation. From your account he seems to treat it as a much more casual affair, so it may be that you two are relationally incompatible.

Am I overanalyzing things?

No. These are totally reasonable concerns. You might be over-dramatizing things though by snooping around cell phones and participating in/encouraging the ongoing passive sex 'discussion'. If he's not going to volunteer his wants and desires and expectations and if you're not happy with that, then it's up to you to address those concerns with him directly.

Does the fact that he still think about things like threesomes mean that he won't stop thinking about them.

If that's what he's used to and into, probably not.

Do any of you have any experience regarding threesomes within relationships?

Wait, I thought threesomes were something you just wouldn't do? You're your own best assessor when it comes to that sort of thing.

From what you've described and how you describe it, I'd recommend enjoying what you have while it lasts while not investing too much of your emotional self into him/the relationship. I don't think DTMFA is the right answer here, rather something more along the lines of "Don't Think Much Further Ahead" with this guy. Think about trying to find someone who thinks you're enough (or more than enough!) of what they need.
posted by carsonb at 1:38 PM on June 24, 2010


He may or may not be a creep. It's not inherently creepy to like threesomes or whatever. Sounds almost like he's shy, or too cautious of your inexperience (and greater youth?) Persist if you really like him, but his unreadiness to dub you girlfriend and himself boyfriend is a red flag to me. Basically, what bilabial said: you can find someone way more compatible.
posted by londongeezer at 1:39 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Plus, my creep-o-meter is going crazy (something about the way he is not initiating sex, but asking you for sex acts that are all about power and control over you; I think your "boyfriend" has a problem).

Actually, he said he's into sex acts that involve domination and humiliation--but that could just as easily be read as his being submissive as dominant.

His being submissive would explain a lot of this post--that he doesn't initiate, that he wasn't sure about sending you an erotic photo, that he has a difficult time talking to you about his needs and desires, but not his friends.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:40 PM on June 24, 2010 [5 favorites]


It sounds like not only does this guy not only not talk to you, he doesn't really listen either. Decide if it's worth trying to fix THAT - and judging from how he won't even label himself your boyfriend, I'm not hopeful about his willingness to work on the relationship - and then the sex stuff should follow. But honestly, I read your post and I'm wondering what the heck you get out of this that would be worth the trouble. As other commenters have said, you deserve better, and that's not a platitude, everyone does.
posted by lemniskate at 1:41 PM on June 24, 2010


Does the fact that he still think about things like threesomes mean that he won't stop thinking about them.

If that's what he's used to and into, err probably not.
posted by carsonb at 1:43 PM on June 24, 2010


I don't care the gender of the person the partner wants to add to the mix. I don't care the gender(s) of the people already in the mix.

The pressure and manipulation are unacceptable, no matter how many cocks might be in the diagram.

Look, failure to initiate sounds like, 'I'm not that into you' regardless of what the non-initiator means by it. Combine that with 'I want to screw someone else/watch someone else screw you, but you're too square for that' which sounds like 'your hotness is not enough hotness for me,' and then, then the not boyfriend declines sexy time?

Whatever his problem is, it's not fignewton's fault, and it's not fignewton's responsibility to communicate a way out of this clusterfuck. Despite that the non boyfriend appears to be attempting to frame things this way.
posted by bilabial at 1:45 PM on June 24, 2010


This guy is on a huuuuuge power trip at your expense. Trust me on this, I've got the merit badge - go find someone who actually likes you and wants to make YOU happy.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:49 PM on June 24, 2010


Best answer: The more experienced partner should work to make the less experienced partner feel safe, comfortable, sexy, and cared for. It's ok to say, "I love [this particular thing] and want to do it with you because you are so hot and sexy; can we explore ways that might make [this particular thing] enjoyable for you?" It's not ok to say, "I love [this particular thing] and want to do it with you, but I think you're too much of a square to want it." The former is honest communication, the latter is just manipulative and unkind.

Moreover, in my experience, the type of person who "doesn't want to label" a relationship as such isn't someone with whom you should try to expand your emotional or sexual boundaries. It's fine to grow a relationship slowly, but it's a huge red flag for someone to say, "I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship with you, but I am going to ask you to do new things you're not comfortable with and then say unkind things about you when you are uncomfortable with them."
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:04 PM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


I use the term "boyfriend" loosely, because even though we act as if in an operational, committed relationship, he's still hesitant to label it as thus.

Aside from the sexual incompatibility, this is a red flag of huge proportions.


This times two.
posted by robself at 2:11 PM on June 24, 2010


Just my two bits. There's nothing wrong with thinking about a kink, something wrong with resenting your partner because they don't share the same kink, and a lot wrong with trying to guilt-trip your partner into satisfying your kink.

This is one of the rare times I'll say DTMFA.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 2:37 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


No part of this relationship arrangement is fair to you as a person or partner. As others have said above, many red flags have been sent fluttering by his pronouncements and actions. Red flags that make the extremely experienced wary and worried for you.

I know your stated question is "how to be more sexually communicative and experimental with my partner?", but the question ends up seeming more like, "is dude trying to play me?" - the answer to the first is "communicate your interests, listen to his, set clear boundaries and enforce appropriately, then try stuff"; the answer to the second is "probably". With the latter being the case, it doesn't make very much sense to go through all of the effort and investment on the former.

Be good to yourself.
posted by batmonkey at 2:58 PM on June 24, 2010


I am kinky and non-monogamous and this is just a guess, but it's a good one:

He is keeping you around for security, money, fun, companionship, ego, whatever, but he doesn't like having sex with you. It's not such a big deal for him because he's keeping his options open and probably having sex with someone else (if not multiple other people). That's who the picture was for.

I wouldn't be surprised if he were closeted and hooking up with guys, or having one-night-stands without using protection, or hiring hookers.

All of my spidey-senses tell me there is something very uncool going on here.

Use condoms every time.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 2:58 PM on June 24, 2010 [7 favorites]


Best answer: You might have a compatibility problem, and you might have a manipulative "boyfriend" problem. One reason folks toss about words like "prude" and "square" is to coerce their SOs into doing things they're not comfortable with in order to prove that they're not a prude or a square.

I'm not so much bothered by the content of your guy's sexual appetites as I am the context in which you say he talks about them. He's simultaneously saying that there's something wrong with you (you're square) that you don't want to do certain things, but that it's okay that you don't want to do certain things. If it was really "okay" he would not try to make you feel like there's something defective about you by exploiting your fear about being seen as prudish.

And yes, it strikes me as odd that he claims a certain level of sexual adventurousness but can't bring himself to actually initiate sex. That he can talk explicitly about sex with friends and not with The Person He Is Having Sex With makes me think that he's not all that sexually "liberal". Assuming you're not going anything that makes sex difficult for him to talk about, I'd venture to say that he's pretty inhibited, actually.

As for you, I get the sense that there are a few things that you want that you're not getting. You want to be able to call him your boyfriend without quotes. You'd like to have sex more often and you'd you'd like him to initiate it. You'd like to talk about it in a way that doesn't leave you feeling demeaned and inferior. I hope these things come up in conversation as much as threesomes do.

Good Luck.
posted by space_cookie at 3:02 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: About having threesomes...done it, enjoyed it a lot, looking forward to doing it in the future.

But if you don't want to do it, don't do it. You might think that fulfilling his fantasies will make him want to be with you or like you more. Maybe, but if you're not into it and it makes you feel horrible and insecure...it's not worth it.


But just the fact that he still would like to do that sort of thing makes me feel like I am not enough for him, sexually speaking, even though he said it was okay that I did not want engage in that behavior.

The threesome thing--not a big deal. Pretty much everyone has fantasies that we would like but don't get.

You don't feel like you're "enough" for him because you're not--you're not even "enough" for him to call him your boyfriend.

You, yourself are worthwhile and I know there are people out there who would be very lucky and happy to have you, to have sex with you, to experiment with you, to love you. This guy does not value you. You can't make him value you. The best you can do is value yourself and do what you can to keep yourself happy and healthy. That means saying "no" when you meant "no" and sticking to it.

I know this is a tough situation because you care about him and want him to be committed to you. Take care of yourself, though, okay?
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:15 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Some things that jump out at me:

Wild sexual history, but too shy to send you a crotch-shot?
Wild sexual history, but doesn't initiate sex?

I suspect he is using you for something, and whether it's money or whatever, I would say to ask yourself the hard question of what is he getting out of this relationship?
The only way I don't think the dude's a douche is if he is having orientation issues
and is conflicted about being attracted to men. I know a Catholic who is in that position, and the effort he spends on denial and trying to make it not so is emotionally draining to him.
If the threesome he is interested in involves another man, and the B&D is to be acted out on him, I could see that being the case.
At any rate, as some others have pointed out, if what you get out of the relationship makes the pain and frustration tolerable, that is your decision. Then the question becomes why would you settle?
Good Luck
posted by Stellaboots at 3:25 PM on June 24, 2010


Excellent point:

The only way I don't think the dude's a douche is if he is having orientation issues
and is conflicted about being attracted to men. I know a Catholic who is in that position, and the effort he spends on denial and trying to make it not so is emotionally draining to him.
If the threesome he is interested in involves another man, and the B&D is to be acted out on him, I could see that being the case.

posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:31 PM on June 24, 2010


the exact opposite of what zia said. this guy probably isn't all that "compatible" with you, that way, but there's nothing creepy about what he's into. maybe you guys don't connect that way. it's happened before. maybe he really cares about you, but he's not getting the kind of sexual vibe he associates with the kinds of relationships he's enjoyed in the past. that is not a problem with either him or you, just a possible indicator that you want different things from relationships.

He may have a hard time talking to me about sex and what he likes and doesn't like, but he doesn't have a hard time talking about it with friends. Just the other day, he and a friend were having a rather explicit conversation about things they enjoyed -- but why does he so seldom tell me those things?

because he doesn't have to worry about his friends leaving him if he broaches topics like that. this is the way everyone is. some people you feel comfortable talking about everything with because nothing is on the line if you do. some people you don't because something you care about very deeply is on the line. it's not an easy space to navigate.

One part of me is attracted to the idea -- but I know the emotional implications would be too much for me to handle. And I told him that I drew the line there -- it's something I just wouldn't do and probably would never change my mind about. But just the fact that he still would like to do that sort of thing makes me feel like I am not enough for him, sexually speaking, even though he said it was okay that I did not want engage in that behavior.

this is the crux of the issue. you have a couple of things to work out within yourself here:

1. stick with what makes you comfortable and satisfied. if you don't think you can handle the emotional issues of a threesome, then trust that instinct and stick to your guns on that UNLESS (and this could very easily never happen) you legitimately change your feelings on the issue. just as there's nothing wrong with what he wants in a sexual relationship, there's nothing wrong with what you want, either. sometimes we feel pressured to do what a loved one wants because of our feelings for them. pressure is not something to submit to. if you one day feel like you share his inclinations, that's one thing. otherwise, take care of yourself and your feelings.

2. you are not a quantity. it's not a question of whether or not you are "enough" for him or anyone else. sometimes people aren't compatible, and maybe that's the case here. who knows if not you two? but you are enough for anyone who wants you, and anyone who wants more of this or that activity than you are willing to provide has to figure how to deal with that. it is not up to you to satisfy them, but up to you both to work at keeping the both of you happy. sometimes that just doesn't work out. c'est la vie. but nobody is every helped by one partner taking the burden of the relationship on themselves to the exclusion of their own desires and feelings.

3. if he said it's ok, then trust him on that. I don't know if you have trust issues or not, but looking through someone's phone, setting them up for a GOTCHA! moment about a picture, things like that... these are not healthy ways to broach a topic with a partner. in the future, trust him enough not to go through his photos. trust him enough to be honest when you find something you weren't meant to. trust him enough to take his word for it when he says it's ok that you're not into threesomes. IF you have difficulty trusting him about these things, then ask yourself what that says about the relationship. this may be an indicator that you're not meant to be together, threesome thing aside.

whether two people are meant to be together is not about threesomes. it's about your feelings for one another and the chemistry you have physically. the threesome thing might be an indicator that you don't mesh physically, or it might not. the only way to find out is to be open and honest with each other about these things. if you can't do that, then you're DEFINITELY not going to work out. If you can you may STILL not work out, but you've got a much better shot at it.

stop asking askme to predict your relationship. go out and work at it and if it doesn't work make the hard decision to end it yourself.
posted by shmegegge at 3:44 PM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


Hold out for someone who's better for you and to you.
posted by cross_impact at 3:50 PM on June 24, 2010


Is he a porn consumer?

Regardless, it doesn't have to be your problem. There's someone out there for you with all his good qualities and none (or many fewer) of the bad.
posted by rhizome at 4:11 PM on June 24, 2010


Is he a porn consumer?

Where are you going with this?
posted by thisjax at 5:13 PM on June 24, 2010


Best answer: Based on the the OP's name in the profile it looks like he's a he. So the boyfriend probably isn't a closeted gay dude!
posted by grapesaresour at 5:15 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


thisjax: "Where are you going with this?"

PORN RUANS PPL. No, just as a mediating influence that may be providing imagery that he seeks to satisfy rather than make happen. Also, that maybe his conquests are actually just restatements of scenes he's seen and is interested in. Not that this whole scenario isn't rife with nuance and individual preferences, but something doesn't gybe between his stated experiences and his reticence to interact sexually.

Maybe instead of asking specifically about porn, a better question would be, "Is there anything to indicate that his sexual experiences are imaginary?"

OK, upon rereading, I'm probably just flailing my ass-parts.

He may have a hard time talking to me about sex and what he likes and doesn't like, but he doesn't have a hard time talking about it with friends.

You gotta ask him, "why me?"
posted by rhizome at 5:53 PM on June 24, 2010


"Based on the the OP's name in the profile it looks like he's a he. So the boyfriend probably isn't a closeted gay dude!"

I know! My habit of not looking at profiles before I give advice foiled me. Sorry, OP.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 6:08 PM on June 24, 2010


Honestly?

DTMFA. He sounds like a creep with a power complex, and probably dishonest to boot; he wouldnt' send you a picture of his crotch because you wouldn't like it (presuming you have seen it up close and personal as it were), thus belittling you?

Find yourself a good man. While there are a lot of assholes in the gay community, some of us (and a few are even on this site!) are really decent people. We're out there; while we may not be available, we do tend to know other decent guys.

This guy? Is not one of them.

As for threesomes... they really, in my experience, should be entered into in only two situations:

1) where you are the third and you are not emotionally (actually or potentially) connected to the other two. For one, this avoids emotional minefields. For another, you are the star attraction, woohoo!

2) when you are in a long-term committed relationship where trust is not a problem.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:57 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


something doesn't gybe between his stated experiences and his reticence to interact sexually.

This. Absolutely this. Either he is lying about all his previous experience (possible), or he is playing you (far more likely).
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:59 PM on June 24, 2010


Is regulating him to the "friend zone" possible for you? that seems to be what he has done with you in his universe. If you don't feel you could have a fullfilling platonic friendship with this guy, I think your best bet would be to cut ties completely. In either case, you need a new romantic partner because he aint it.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:06 AM on June 25, 2010


I'd look on Craigslist Casual Encounters and see if you can spot that crotch photo.
posted by MsMolly at 8:41 AM on June 25, 2010 [4 favorites]


And I thought I was a cynic, MsMolly. You do have a point though.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:44 AM on June 25, 2010


I'm sure everyone else has covered all the other salient points, but I wanted to address this:

Whenever we do have sex, I feel like I have to initiate it. He's usually more than willing once it's started, but he never starts it himself. ... He started telling me all the things he was into -- domination, humiliation, that sort of stuff

I assume he wants to be the submissive, humiliated one. I promise you that is directly correlated with why he won't initiate.
posted by desjardins at 1:05 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


Another thing - submissive guys are used to being rejected over and over and over, so it often becomes extremely difficult to discuss their desires with someone they're dating. Most people, especially women, do not want a guy who is submissive in bed, hence the overwhelming number of submissive straight guys on BDSM sites relative to other orientations. Many women (and gay men?) are squicked out by it. He doesn't have problems talking with his friends because he's not sleeping with them (presumably).

I don't know what to say about the boyfriend/crotch shot thing. But the rest makes 100% perfect sense to me if he is indeed submissive.
posted by desjardins at 1:11 PM on June 25, 2010


I just noticed that you are also male, so that may affect parts of my second response but not my first.
posted by desjardins at 1:13 PM on June 25, 2010


FWIW, my (long) experience with sex between men is that three ways are much more common than in sexual relationships between men and women. The falct that your boyfriend expressed an interest in that is, frankly, not at all shocking or unusual. Its a part of how we do what we do. Responders above spouting off about "threesomes never solved anything" must have had the wrong genders in mind. That said...

Your guy IS interested in BDSM-related activities, but I guarantee you he wants YOU dominating HIM. No one says you have to be comfortable with all that right out of the gate, but if you want to make a go of it with this guy, adopt a more aggressive demeanor and go for it. I bet you'll be surprised by his response.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 1:25 PM on June 25, 2010


Responders above spouting off about "threesomes never solved anything" must have had the wrong genders in mind.

Um no, I have dangly bits and I like the people what got 'em. Threesomes can deepen the intimacy and trust in and already intimate relationship; in that sense they can indeed 'save' things. This is not one of those relationships.

As for BDSM, I concur. However, BDSM (much like threesomes) is really only a safe and sane idea when there is already trust and a connection (not necessarily romantic) between those involved.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:43 PM on June 25, 2010


It's not clear from your question whether you're looking for a relationship or a hookup with this guy, but sounds like you're getting the worst of both worlds.

You may act like a couple, but he won't even let you call him 'boyfriend'. Then he quits sleeping with you when you set sexual boundaries? I'm sorry, everyone is entitled to a hard limit. If he's as experienced as he says, he should damn well know that.

This isn't a case of sexual incompatibility (even if you don't share his desire for a 3-way) it's manipulation, and a lousy way for him to treat you.

Move on. You deserve someone who communicates like an adult. There are plenty of guys out there who won't try to bullshit their way past your clearly stated limits, or make you feel bad for having them.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:48 PM on June 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


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