Sue infidels lover?

December 24, 2006 2:44 AM

Question about infidelity? My spouse recently disclosed an emotional affair with a coworker that has been escalating for the last few months. There hasn't been any sexual contact so far but there is a fear that it's not far off. She wants to end the affair and has told the lover many times to back off. He basically ignores her and continues to persue, recently telling her he loved her etc. She is afraid of repercussions if she were to file a sexual harassment claim, and she also says she doesn't want to destroy his career. Unforuntately we can't afford for her to leave her job (government employee) and she can't avoid seeing him at least for a couple hours each week. There involvement is becoming workplace knowledge so I am expecting it to get easier for her to claim harassment. It's my understanding that once she told him to back off he is legally in violation if he continues to pursue. My question is can I sue him for trying to break up my marriage and my family, if so what grounds?
posted by overweightgeek to law & government (50 comments total)

Almost certainly not. Where are you?
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 2:49 AM on December 24, 2006

IANAL, but if you could sue for that think how many cases would be moving through the courts right now... My advice would be to calm down. I imagine the last thing your wife needs is her husband getting antsy. Take this silly co-worker's behaviour as a compliment: being married to an attractive person can often entail this kind of stress.
posted by londongeezer at 2:58 AM on December 24, 2006

RE: There involvement is becoming workplace knowledge

I obviously can't advise you on the legal end of things here, but you really need to get started thinking about the fact that she may not be telling you the whole truth.
If she's serious about this, then one last warning about filing a complaint before the actual filing is enough. Destroying Stalling his career after fair warning is fine, because if he doesn't back off; it could destroy hers. Again, if this is common office knowledge, they may both be in trouble already and not know it yet.

Perhaps there is the possibility of a transfer?

Good luck.
posted by IronLizard at 3:12 AM on December 24, 2006

I am sorry you are hurting.
I can only imagine how frustrated, betrayed and powerless you feel.
You mention that there has been no previous sexual contact but "There is a fear that it's not far off"-- is that YOUR fear? HER fear?
If she feels threatened, it might be legally actionable under Federal workplace harassment rules.
Your spouse's situation is not a "compliment".
This interloper is destroying his own career.
But most importantly YOU must find ways to care for YOUR emotional health-- I hope you can talk with a trusted friend and maybe seek professional counsel soon.
Been there.
Good luck.
posted by Dizzy at 3:16 AM on December 24, 2006

First, A Thousand Baited Hooks is right. I cannot see where you would possibly have grounds to sue at this point in time.

Now, to the greater issue. Your wife needs to file a written complaint to the proper authority at work, whether it is her boss or HR. Keep a copy for your own records. Most likely, they will have a talk with him and perhaps send him to some sensitivity training seminar or other. If they refuse to act on the situation and the matter continues, then she needs to file a claim for sexual harassment. If you are in the US, or many other highly developed nations, she has legal protection against repercussions and can file suit for losses over those as well.

She should not fret over this creep's career. If he is willing to pursue her against her will, interfering with her work, he has no respect for the workplace. His career is his business, and if he wants to protect it, he should act accordingly.

However, the legal matter is between your wife and this man. You have not suffered any demonstrable losses as far as you have mentioned, so I doubt you have any grounds to do anything regarding the matter. Have her follow established protocol, it's there for a reason. If she is unwilling to follow through, the matter is hers to deal with. Unless and until you have suffered losses, there is not much you can do. Collect all the evidence you can of the affair and his insistence on maintaining it, because if something does happen, you'll need it.

Here's hoping that she's serious enough about the situation to follow through against a guy who'd throw her career away for his own warped affections.
posted by Saydur at 3:24 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm confused: has she ended the emotional affair or not? You say she tried to end it, but don't say that she actually has. You also indicate she might sleep with him in the future, and their involvement is known to her co-workers. To me that sounds like she's still entangled with him and hasn't completely rejected his advances, and she obviously returned his attentions previously. She may not have grounds at this point for filing anything.

This is personal opinion, of course, but if she returned the guy's affections for a while and now wants to end the affair, she needs to actually do so, and not just talk about it. You say he's pursued her by telling her he loves her, and that doesn't sound like harassment to me. She needs to tell him she has said no, it's over, she will file a complaint if he continues to bother her at work, and then she needs to avoid him except in purely professional situations. In short, she needs to commit. Give the guy a chance to figure out she means it, because right now, she's probably giving him mixed signals.
posted by smashingstars at 3:42 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Seconding the above, she needs to declare her intention to file a formal written complaint if he doesn't stop with the advances, and then follow through with it if necessary. FWIW, I suspect it won't need to go further than the threat.
posted by teleskiving at 4:04 AM on December 24, 2006

My late wife used to say (relative to teaching kids),

1) Tell them the rules
2) Warn them once
3) Sanction them

The fellow needs to know that there are potential repercussions for his continuing reluctance to back off. It is harrassement by every definition I have ever heard.

On the legal front, I do remember there being two concepts... criminal conversation and alienation of affection, but they may be antiquated and highly local, not to mention hard to pursue. If you haven't done a lawsuit before, they probably aren't the best place to start getting experience. (IANAL).

Cheapest and most effective way is to be blindingly clear with this infatuated man and then hit the HR office if it continues. Make it his choice.

Good luck. It's good at least that you are dealing with this at this stage. Still sounds salvageable to all parties, which should be the goal, as opposed to retribution/revenge, etc.
posted by FauxScot at 4:57 AM on December 24, 2006

I have a feeling that your wife has not been clear or forceful with the "lover" and she needs to be. Are you absolutely sure you believe her when she says that she wants him to stop. Something about the way you tell the story makes me think she is equivocating and sending mixed messages.
As someone said above she should put it in writing and document every instance if he is actually harrassing her.
posted by JayRwv at 5:07 AM on December 24, 2006

Get some balls. Have you spoken with the rat personally? GIve him a call and tell him to lay off or he'll be in a world of hurt.
posted by JamesMessick at 5:07 AM on December 24, 2006

There hasn't been any sexual contact so far but there is a fear that it's not far off. She wants to end the affair and has told the lover many times to back off. He basically ignores her and continues to persue, recently telling her he loved her etc.

I am willing to bet that she is sending this man mixed signals. He pursues her because in the past she seemed to be totally into it, and in the present she seems unable to convey the idea that she doesn't want to have a sexual affair, or even a relationship as emotionally close theirs is.

I've known people in the exact same situation as the one your wife's ummmfriend is in, but with the genders reversed: Female was very close to, and interested in having a sexual relationship with, a married man that she knew through work. Married man gave many indications that he was interested, but when it came time to cut the cord completely, he would balk and say shit like "You need to stop thinking about me". Whenever he tried to convey that the relationship was becoming too close, he always used language that put the burden of closure on the other person. Maybe your wife is using the same sort of language, and she needs to start saying things like "I don't want this relationship to advance any further, and am uncomfortable with how close we are now. I made a mistake getting this close to you, and I do not want you to keep mentioning that you want something else."

Then written complaints and legal blahahblahblahblahblahs, after it's clear that she doesn't want to continue anything with him.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:22 AM on December 24, 2006

It's obvious this is not for the courts - go kick his ass instead. If you can't/don't want to.. hire it out.
posted by thilmony at 5:58 AM on December 24, 2006

What's an emotional affair and why are you calling the guy her lover if nothing physical happened?

She needs to put her foot down and be strong about it. Frankly, my opinion is that she got herself into this situation and she's responsible for getting herself out of it. Are you sure she's being 100% truthful? Her reticence in pursuing the remedy that would work because it might hurt his career makes me wonder if she's being honest with you.
posted by MegoSteve at 6:29 AM on December 24, 2006

She's bullshitting you. Obviously, to save her own hide at home. Sit and watch her compose a letter or email to the man that very specifically tells him to fuck off and leave her alone or she'll file harrassment charges. Then watch her send it. Bet she won't.
posted by spitbull at 6:41 AM on December 24, 2006

Yeah, there's a definite disconnect here. If they are in fact having an emotional affair, there wouldn't be any grounds for a harassment claim (within reason, of course). Conversely, if there is a valid harassment claim, then there is no emotional affair, any more than there is a physical affair when someone is raped.

So which is it? Affair or harassment? Until you resolve that, you won't be able to proceed. Please don't delude yourself into thinking some man has "harassed" your wife into having an "affair".

If it is an affair, she either breaks it off or you break it off with her -- unless you are comfortable with an open relationship, of course. If it's harassment, it should be easy to pursue, particularly given that she is a government employee -- public sector jobs invariably have good policies in place to deal with this sort of thing.

Second, I do not know of a single jurisdiction in a modern democracy where adultery is either a crime or a tort. So, unless you are living in a remote village in Pakistan, forget about it.
posted by modernnomad at 6:52 AM on December 24, 2006

Second modernnomad. Sounds like, to me, that it's an affair, and she's being coy about it, prepping you for a time when a co-worker might tell you about it.

Sorry, I don't mean to be hurtful. But get out of the lawyer mindset, confront her about the affair, and if she confesses, get into one of the following:

a) If you want the marriage to work: counseling
b) If you want to end: good walking shoes, 'cuz you're leaving
posted by Merdryn at 7:04 AM on December 24, 2006

Well, actually . .
posted by Pressed Rat at 7:26 AM on December 24, 2006

I know this'll sound a bit jerky, but thinking about suing is only a step above telling your Mom to yell at them for you.

If you really want to keep her, be a man about it. Tell her what she is going to do to keep YOU around and tell him to f--- off. Or else.

Hell, it might impress her enough to quit looking at other men.
posted by codswallop at 7:39 AM on December 24, 2006

Hell, it might impress her enough to quit looking at other men.

You know, there is a lot of truth in this. Also now would probably be a good time to stop calling yourself "overweight geek" and "marshmallow butt". Dealing with this in a way that shows that you value yourself could save your marriage.
posted by teleskiving at 7:45 AM on December 24, 2006

Pressed Rat's got it; alienation of affection lawsuits do indeed happen (though is seems to me they're basically predicated on the notion that spouses are a form of property that is expected to work properly). Here in North Carolina, where juries have been known to award big damages in alienation of affection suits, you don't need to prove extra-marital intercourse actually occurred, or to prove that the defendant set out to destroy your relationship, just that "he or she intentionally engaged in acts which would foreseeably impact on the marriage."
posted by mediareport at 7:47 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Er, along with a couple of other things, like you and your wife actually loved each other before, etc.
posted by mediareport at 7:48 AM on December 24, 2006

I would make sure that any statements about this situation she makes to him are through email. Those emails will serve as evidence if she has to go to HR or if it ever goes to court. We recently fired an employee for various reasons - all relating to email. One of them (not the main reason) was an email from a co-worker telling him his comments made her feel uncomfortable and she'd like him to stop. He replied to that email making the same type of comments. That's clearly documented harassment and he didn't have a leg to stand on.
posted by bda1972 at 7:48 AM on December 24, 2006

No, no no no no no no no no no no.

How, exactly, would this "emotional affair" progress to sexual if your wife was not interested?

This does not add up, not one whit. You know this.

Odds are that she has already had a sexual relationship with him, and they've been found out, and she's trying to minimize the fallout for both of them. Her personally and him professionally.

There is no sexual harrassment here, unless his advances have been rebuffed.

Maybe she accidentially got in over her head, maybe it was a fantasy for her that suddenly turned real, whatever.

But, think about this carefully:

Why would you want to sue a man who is "trying to break up your marriage"? If your wife is tempted to go, then why would you consider legal action to stop it? Do you want a court order forcing your wife to stay with you? What is it, really, that you want?

That's why I disagree with the "kick his ass" stuff above too. Why? Why would you? You would only kick his ass if he was undesirably harrassing your wife. If she has a relationship with him, well, this is her problem, not yours.

There is no way, no way my friend, that this is the "whole story". Again, your gut tells you this. It is absurd on its face.

None of this adds up. He's going to somehow "trick" her into sex despite her saying "no" repeatedly? She is unemployable except at this one government job? He is so smitten with her, with no encouragement, that he'd risk his career rather than back off?

She doesn't want another job, or want to report him, because she is obviously emotionally, and probably sexually (sorry) entangled with him. She doesn't want it to end. Relationships end every day with some definite finality. All this is a cop out on her part.

I you love her, and want to be with her, I would sit her down, give her one chance for "the truth, and nothing but the truth, no matter what". A real true accounting of everything. Then, a pledge to completely cut it off, immediately, at WHATEVER COST to him.

If she waivers on any of this, even for a moment, then find a divorce attorney and steel yourself. My personal opinion/guess: she hasn't saved up enough money to leave you yet, probably to be with him, but it's about to "bust wide open" so she's trying to keep the wheels on for another few weeks/months.

Good luck to you.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:30 AM on December 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's obvious this is not for the courts - go kick his ass instead. If you can't/don't want to.. hire it out.

If this is a serious comment, it's totally inappropriate macho bullshit. This isn't about overweightgeek's ego, or about proving he's the bigger man. The only thing that will solve this situation is for his wife to stop being wishy washy with the guy and end the affair. She's the one causing the problem, ten to one. Not him. That's it. Nothing else. Seconding the comments that advise this type of action before anything at all legal or formal happens. I know it's easier to blame the other guy, but at this point, the one who's wrong you is your wife.
posted by theantikitty at 8:31 AM on December 24, 2006

(apologies for the derail)

@Pressed Rat

Thanks for the link; I'm *amazed* that alienation of affection torts still exist in some places in the US. I wonder how often they are successful?

To original poster -- even if you live in one of the jurisdictions listed in Pressed Rat's link, I don't think suing here is either advisable or likely of success.
posted by modernnomad at 9:07 AM on December 24, 2006

I am willing to bet that she is sending this man mixed signals.

Me too, and I'm also pretty sure she's not telling you the whole truth. There's not much point getting mad at the guy (much less threatening to "kick his ass"), since you really don't know what's been going on. Your first priority should be getting the truth out of your wife, which probably won't be easy. If they have been having an affair (not an "emotional affair," whatever that is), you need to decide what to do about it, as Merdryn says. The guy is pretty much irrelevant here; this is about you and your wife.
posted by languagehat at 9:23 AM on December 24, 2006

"... Unforuntately we can't afford for her to leave her job (government employee)..."

First things first, man.

Clearly, the simplest course for her is simply to quit the job, and find another. If your house is on fire, you don't insist that fire department not use water because it will leave white spots on the good tables, you put out the fire, and see if you have any tables left, thereafter. No job is irreplaceable, and if you are in the mindset that this one is, you're not far from pimping out your wife.

Tell her to quit, and mean it. Find a second job yourself, so she can, if needs be. She may be using this situation, or her version of it, to elicit from you permission to quit the job and stay home, or she may have ten other agendas going on with you and him, and other aspects of her screwed up life. But she may simply lack a clear signal from you that no outside benefit or money is worth more to you than she is.

So, resolve her value ambiguity, and tell her to quit, and make the sacrifices to let her do so, at least until she can find another job. After that, the ball is in her court, entirely, and every day she spends going to that job, under these circumstances, is a rebuke to you and your marriage.
posted by paulsc at 9:23 AM on December 24, 2006

Wake up, overweightgeek. Forget this dude. This is entirely about your wife's behaviour. Not only is she not taking responsibility for saving your marriage, but she is attempting to throw herself off the hook. As it stands, this will not end well. Your only chance is to take paulsc's advice, and don't compromise.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:48 AM on December 24, 2006

is he married too? you could always call his wife and bring her up to date?
if not, then you and your wife go to the hr office together, day after christmas. which is more important to you, his career or your marriage?
i'm with the folks who say no to suing him and who believe he's already diddled her. i mean, really!
posted by bruce at 10:02 AM on December 24, 2006

Yeah, man - I get the feeling there's still a lot of dishonesty here. Her with you. You with yourself. This sounds mighty fishy. It doesn't sound like she respects you very much. How can there be grey area here? Why would she be concerned about his career if she didn't enjoy his attentions on some level.

(IANAL) And to second a few previous posters here, I don't really see this as a legal matter. Some crumb tries this with my girl at her job, he'd be too busy collecting his teeth off the parking lot to make many romantic overtures. You gots to step up and be a man, my friend.

Good luck to you.
posted by EatTheWeak at 10:10 AM on December 24, 2006

I'm with Ynoxas et al. Your wife is full of shit. She was complicit in starting something, and now she's afraid of how it will look when you find out, so she's attempting a pre-emptive strike (or she's changed her mind, and is now unwisely getting you involved as a way to end it).

I second spitbull's suggestion to watch her send him a simple, direct email. If she does it, and he continues pursuing her, then she sends another one, and so on, leaving a paper trail. But the truth is probably that she's complicit enough to begin with that she'll never get away with a harassment claim. After all, their 'emotional affair' is now common knowledge at the workplace. "There is a fear" (whose? yours?) that sexual contact is not far off. So...the guy in question may have emails from her, post-its, voicemails, whatever, that show she was interested, in which case your wife is just going to end up looking stupid.

But look...all this is bullshit at an even higher level. The core issue is that your wife is involved with, or was almost involved with, someone else. It may feel like you're solving that problem by attacking this other one, but you're not.
posted by bingo at 10:35 AM on December 24, 2006

I'll go a step further:

There is no 'maybe'. Your wife is lying to you, and most likely she's just laying thr groundwork to leave you. As everyone said above, you give her one chance--you go with her to HR, you watch her write the letter to this guy, and she comes clean to you. I absolutely guarantee she will find ways ot delay doing any of those things. She is lying. Secure your assets, call a lawyer. Period.

EatTheWeak writes "And to second a few previous posters here, I don't really see this as a legal matter. Some crumb tries this with my girl at her job, he'd be too busy collecting his teeth off the parking lot to make many romantic overtures."

What is it with guys and this attitude? You are well aware that it takes two to tango, right? So very many of you think women are always passive participants in situations like these.

The anger is best directed at the person who is betraying you.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:36 AM on December 24, 2006

Second Merdryn.

Sit down with wife for a discussion of how as much as you are glad she was honest with you, you are hurt, and you both need to figure out wtf happened and prevent it from ever happening again and that means marriage counselling. The counselor should be able to give advice on getting rid of The Other Man, hopefully without a restraining order.

If she says no, start looking for an apartment. Good luck, I'm sending good thoughts your direction.
posted by ilsa at 11:38 AM on December 24, 2006

You might want to check out the forums at survivinginfidelity.com. There are a lot of knowledgeable and kind people over there who've all been through some version of what you're going through.
posted by nixxon at 12:10 PM on December 24, 2006

Seconding languagehat, paulsc, et al. She's denying the whole story, whatever that may be (because seriously, something just doesn't add up here), and you are denying that this is actually between the two of you, not the other guy you want to sue. It's time to steel yourself for some cold, hard truths, as painful as they may be to face. But there's no other way to move forward -- either in saving your marriage or in ending it.

Also seconding the comment that you should stop referring to yourself as "overweightgeek" and "marshmallow butt." If you don't treat yourself with some respect, no one else will either.
posted by scody at 12:40 PM on December 24, 2006

Well, DNAB, I suspect it's a lot easier to hate the "other man" than it is to hate your own wife. When someone discovers their partner was unfaithful and is/was lying to them, the hurt and anger is overwhelming. It's even more painful to be angry at the person you love when they're slipping away from you. It's denial, too, of course. That's why this "other man" should be afraid for his ass, because if he fiddles around with married women, eventually he's going to unleash the wrath of a very hurt husband. I'm not saying it's right, but no one should ever act surprised when someone who was cheated on gets intensely angry.

To overweightgeek, I don't know that it's definite that your wife has taken the affair farther than she's admitting to. As another person mentioned above, perhaps this was all a fantasy, or she thought it was harmless flirtation, and it got out of control. However, I do think you need to be firm and decide the bare minimum YOU need from her to stay around. If she decides she's willing to work on it, remember she considered straying so there's issues with the marriage that need to be dealt with, and ilsa's suggestion for a counselor is a good one.
posted by smashingstars at 3:34 PM on December 24, 2006

As others have noted, there are such things as alienation of affection suits in a few states. If you happen to live in one, though, try this instead:

Take a large amount of money, say $25,000. Get it in singles, and put the bills in a large pile. Then set fire to it and dance around the pile of burning money while you sing the "Mr. X Is A Great Big Fuckhead" song.

This will have most all the effect of actually filing an alienation of affection suit, and will probably be more fun and make you feel better when you're done.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:00 PM on December 24, 2006

Tell her to quit, and mean it. Find a second job yourself, so she can, if needs be.

Being at work all the time rarely helps a marriage. This is not the time for a 2nd job.

That said, the other guy's career or even the wife's job shouldn't be priorities over doing what needs to be done to stabilize the marriage at all. If she needs to quit, she needs to quit. And as for a complaint — probably a better course of action — the warning shot about it is more than polite enough, and I think asking her to do it is probably a good test. If she's willing to give the guy a warning to back off or she'll file a complaint, and then follow through with it if she needs to, that's good. If she's not, it sure seems likely that what everybody's saying here about other stuff going on in her head is right.
posted by namespan at 7:20 PM on December 24, 2006

DNAB - Consider it a simple solution to a complicated problem. If your wife cheats, dump her on the first offense. And make certain the other fellow receives a thorough thrashing. I'm aware it accomplishes very little, but there are certain things you can't allow someone to get away with.
posted by EatTheWeak at 9:25 PM on December 24, 2006

I'm aware it accomplishes very little, but there are certain things you can't allow someone to get away with.

Yeah, and beating people up is one of them. Someone in my state got 8 years for hitting the guy his girlfriend was cheating on him with. Idiot.
posted by delmoi at 10:39 PM on December 24, 2006

EatTheWeak writes "If your wife cheats, dump her on the first offense."

Agreed, in principle.

EatTheWeak writes "And make certain the other fellow receives a thorough thrashing."

Nope.

1) Violence is pretty much never the answer;
and
2) Again... it takes two to tango. The only situation in which I can see that response being justifiable (barely!) is if the man in question raped your wife--in which case a visit to the police is in order. Unless you're going to beat her up as well?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:07 PM on December 24, 2006

Here is one thing that doesn't make sense. If she is unwilling to file harassment charges, and she wants to protect his career, how can you be considering a lawsuit? You and she obviously can't be together on this, so are you thinking about suing on your own, regardless of her wishes?

If so--that's not gonna save your marriage. So what's your goal here?
posted by torticat at 11:11 PM on December 24, 2006

Sit down with your wife, and both of you state your goals. Then decide what to do based on those goals.

Even if the guy she's entangled with is a completely despicable and dangerous manipulator, making him pay ought to be further down on the list than certain other goals, like getting your feelings heard, finding out how to rebuild your relationship, and figuring out whether she can/should continue at her job. But yeah, put "getting back at him" in the hierarchy wherever it falls, if it's one of your goals. Order the list according to what will benefit you the most. Suing him or gratuitously damaging his career isn't going to help you. If discussing the matter with Human Resources will safeguard your wife's career, she probably should do it if it seems necessary.

I agree that you probably don't know what all has gone on up to now. But you're entitled to absolute clarity on what's happening at present. Look out for your own interests.
posted by wryly at 1:07 PM on December 25, 2006

Ugh, this is hard to say. I *JUST* went through something along these lines, only we're past you: She took off her ring, and told me she was breaking up with me (Well there's lots more, but...). I don't want to say too much (I still love her, and hope to get back with her one day (I know it's stupid, it's likely just because she was my first, and she's the mother of our child, but either way it's the truth), so I don't want to smear too much about her around). Long story short, we've been in a weird spot ever sense (like, she's not sure what she wants with me). I CAN tell you, though, that if your wife DOESN'T want to be with this joker, she is capable of peeling him off somehow. Even if she needs to go to another job, what's worth more to you, your marriage, or your lifestyle? I made the mistake once (I think part of the reason she strayed was because I was working 60-70 hours a week to put food on the table, and have a chunk to put in the bank as insurance, but it was only part. She was ultimately responsible for her actions) of choosing the lifestyle. Don't follow my lead. Consider it a Christmas wish of mine if you need to. Oh, and if she's willing, GET THERAPY! It *WILL* help, even if it just makes a possible split up smoother (We can all agree, ugly breakups suck).

Her actions are her own. If she wants you, then MAKE SURE SHE LEAVES HIM! It doesn't matter how much money you lose, if you two wanna be together, FIND A WAY. She CHOOSES to be unfaithful. If not, she needs professional help. We all can make choices. If she feels she can't make the choice (She HAS have these encounters) then she is either lying, or she has a mental problem. If it's the second, support her, and try to get her help ASAP.

BTW, I'm really tired, so if this isn't as coherent as it needs to be, I'm sorry. It's just been a long Christmas trying to be with my Son.

I wish you better luck then I had (you don't have kids with her do you? If not, at least you can make a clean slate if the worst happens). I hope things work out for you. Wish me luck getting mine back together, if you will. Merry Christmas.
posted by TrueVox at 7:06 PM on December 25, 2006

Legal problems require legal solutions. You don't have a legal problem. You have an emotional/social one. You need to find an emotionally/socially satisfying solution.

Good luck. But remember that feelings (yours, hers, his) can't be ruled or regulated by law. Suing someone won't make you less hurt, it'll just make you agravated.
posted by Kololo at 8:06 PM on December 25, 2006

There hasn't been any sexual contact so far but there is a fear that it's not far off.

Can I just say that the passive tense here makes no f-ing sense?

You can say, "There is a fear that interest rates may go higher." You don't say, "there is a fear that my wife may have sex with another man." Either she's planning on doing it or she won't. There's no "fear" of it happening.

Sounds like three people screwed up here--your wife, for starting an emotional fling when she's married; the other guy, for getting involved with a woman he knew was married; and you, for letting it happen (these things happen for a reason--either you weren't giving her what she needed or you didn't marry the right person). So, there are going to be ramifications. Sacrifices will have to be made: she quits her job, you both eat Ramen soup for a few months, the guy in love with her will have to move on to Suzy in accounting. She's bound to find a new job in a few months unless she was lousy at her old one -- which is possible, if she was rubbing up against a coworker on company hours.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:54 PM on December 25, 2006

Deathalicious writes "(these things happen for a reason--either you weren't giving her what she needed or you didn't marry the right person)"

And to be perfectly fair, it's often impossible to know that sort of thing. I think that everyone has it in them to stray from what has been agreed; it takes only the right set of circumstances to bring it out. Judging this guy for his wife choosing to fuck around is just a bit much.

Yes, sure, sometimes it's the cuckold's fault--you treat your partner like shit and the likelihood is that they're going to look elsehwere for fulfillment.

But it boils down to someone making a choice to do what they damn well please, rather than live up to their committments and obligations. Nobody causes them to do that; it is a choice they make themselves.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:28 PM on December 25, 2006

(And before anyone denounces me as a moralizing idiot, I have been the person who did as he damn well pleased.)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:51 PM on December 25, 2006

"the one who's wrong you is your wife."

Exactly. Ignore the "go kick his ass" comments. Contacting the guy is unfortunately liable to wind up getting *you* in actual legal trouble. Assault charges won't look good if y'all wind up in divorce court.

Bothering the guy could also backfire - the wife could start seeing you as an aggressive asshat, and him as the innocent party, drawing them closer together.

Your wife needs to shit or get off the pot. You shouldn't have to put up with this crap at all. Fuck him, and fuck his career.
posted by drstein at 10:14 PM on December 25, 2006

One thing that just occurred to me this morning... along with the legal ramifications drstein mentions, all the people saying "kick his ass!" are forgetting one thing: you don't know this guy. Guys always like to dream THEY are the badass. With no information on either side, there is a 50/50 chance of who would kick who's ass. Also, you don't know if he's the kind of guy that would hit you in the head with a tire iron or stab you.

The people up above with "kick his ass" are so far off base that I can't even understand what they are saying.

"Oh yeah, woman? You are thinking about cheating on me and shattering our vows and ruining our life? I'll show you, I'll go kick his ass! There, now do you love me? I bet you do! I bet you really love me forever now."

It's so absurd I don't even know how to address it. Talk about misplaced anger and blame.

What these guys REALLY want to do is kick the woman's ass, but they realize that's not acceptable in western society. Hey, turn Muslim, then you can stone the bitch. (/sarcasm)

If my wife ever told me she was in love with someone else or was thinking of making a new relationship with a guy at work, of course I would be hurt and sad, but I would bid her adieu and wish her the best of luck. How is trying to force the person to love you instead ever going to work out?
posted by Ynoxas at 7:29 AM on December 26, 2006