Three weeks to conquer a man's heart

August 30, 2006 12:23 PM

[Gayfilter] I have a huge crush on a guy I've dated once, and he's moving abroad in three weeks' time. How can I let him know I desperately want to keep seeing him without coming across as a psycho?

Hello, Hive Mind. This is going to be one of those questions with a ton of background, so please bear with me. I need your advice.

At the beginning of August I met a guy on the Internet, a strong contender for the title of most wonderful guy ever. We went on a date soon afterwards, which I enjoyed immensely, and I have reasons to believe he did as well.

Now, this hasn't happened to me before, but I have an incredible gut feeling about him. It's actually a bit scary: like, a few months before I had this running joke with my friends about "The Plan", a ludicrously detailed scheme to meet the guy of my dreams, which outlined the exact requirements in what I believed to be "amusingly elaborate levels of accuracy". Well, I'll be damned, but it's him - seriously, down to the smallest detail, it really is that bad. Needless to say, I have developed a huge crush on him. Not quite obsession-grade, mind, but far beyond the typical range of feelings my calm, collected self.

Problem is, he's leaving the UK to work abroad in about three weeks' time. I desperately want to know him better and try to confirm that first impression, but he's understandably quite busy preparing his trip and seeing his friends - we have kept in touch by e-mail, but I think I may only get one more shot at seeing him before he leaves, if at all. That's going to be my only window of opportunity to let him know that he's quite a bit more than a random shag to me. If I could open up a chance to remain in touch and possibly visit him once he's settled, I'm pretty sure I could take it from there, but I somehow need to get my proverbial foot in the door.

So, basically, I need ideas. I obviously need to do something about this, but how can I make him aware of my feelings without coming across as a raving madman or, at best, as an uncomfortably gushy species of loon with serious attachment issues? Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be highly appreciated; I’m at a bit of a loss on how to proceed.

Similarly, if you do believe I am a gushy loon with attachment issues, please let me know as well - I am well aware that I'm getting quite ahead of myself at this stage and that I may well need a reality check, so I come prepared for the worst.

Thanks in advance for your help!

posted by doctorpiorno to human relations (10 comments total)

IANAGM, but I am a human, so here goes:

Do not tell him that you think you might want to spend the rest of your life with him. You certainly don't know him well enough to really know if you do and if anyone said that to me after one date, I'd get freaked out and think that they were just looking for someone (aka anyone) to be with.

Do tell him that you felt a connection that you don't feel all the time and that it wasn't just a random shag to you. Ask him if he felt that as well, and if he did, is it possible for you two to go out again before he leaves. If he didn't, now you know. If he did, go out with him to make sure there's still a connection before you go about spending a lot of money and time for a pressure filled visit to another country.
posted by witchstone at 12:37 PM on August 30, 2006

How can I let him know I desperately want to keep seeing him without coming across as a psycho?

It's really easy. Strike out the word desperately, and just let him know you'd like to keep seeing him. Like so:

"Hey, it's a shame you're leaving. I know we only went on one date, but I like you, and I'd like to keep seeing you."

Hide the desparate, gushing loon inside of you.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 12:42 PM on August 30, 2006

I might try something like what kingjoeshmoe is saying, but add, "I know you're moving away, which complicates things, and I'm certainly not looking for a huge committed long-distance thing [assuming you're not], but I'd still like to figure out some way to stay in each other's lives."

Because if I were moving to another country, the last thing I'd want to deal with is a guy pining away for me at home, and the expectations that go with that, so you might want to address that part of what you're asking. I guess, in other words: Be explicit about what you're asking for, rather than just using broad ambiguous phrases like "I'd like to keep seeing you." (And that's true even if you are trying to set up a committed monogamous long-distance things here... which I think would be a mistake, but if it's what you want, it's worth asking for.)
posted by occhiblu at 12:52 PM on August 30, 2006

You're not a gushy loon. Don't get your hopes up. But let him know how you feel. Look him straight in the eye and tell him its too bad you met somebody so great just as he was leaving. Let him know how great he is. You won't regret any of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:54 PM on August 30, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's nothing wrong with being a gushing loon — I fell for one (hi, Dan!) — but be aware he's probably under a lot of stress from picking up and moving across the pond. Be honest about how you'd like to continue the relationship on more than a Platonic level, but also respect that he has a life to live as well. Good luck!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:58 PM on August 30, 2006

In my experience, nothing scares guys away faster than being placed on the pedestal of "most wonderful guy ever." That's not to say something with him can't work out, but, given your level of enthusiasm, my advice would be to play it as cool as possible.

It might help to keep in mind that you REALLY don't know him THAT well. He may look a lot like your "plan" at first glance, but appearances can be deceiving. And even if the interest is totally mutual, real-life, long-term relationships never work out exactly the way we imagined them when we're head-over-heels; chances are that you would eventually discover things about him that fall far short of your ideal (everyone's human).

As for playing it cool, I'd suggest something like the following:

Email him, see if he has time to meet you for, say, a quick cup of coffee sometime before he leaves. Don't tell him how wonderful or special he is, just make some small talk, ask him about, say, his trip, work, etc, or about things he likes to talk about. At some point in the conversation, casually -- casually! -- mention that you'd just wanted to wish him good luck on his travels & job, and that you'd enjoy staying in touch, trade contact information. If it doesn't feel like too much and you're pretty sure the feeling was mutual, you can also mention that you had a very nice time with him the one time you all got together -- though keep in mind that the fact that you've made the effort to see him in person before he leaves already suggests this (in my opinion), so, again, I'd suggest playing it cool (no wide, watery, awe-filled eyes) here too. After he's left, don't send an email saying you miss him already. Wait a little bit, then drop him a line to say hello and see how he's getting along.

If he's not a total dweeb, he'll probably quickly pick up on the fact that you have an interest in him -- and if the feeling is mutual, he'll probably be touched that you're showing an interest, took the time to see him before he left, etc., and will hopefully find a way to make his interest known to you.
posted by treepour at 1:10 PM on August 30, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

gushy loon? why, that's the point -- love is something you fall in. it's OK.

offer to help him do practical stuff related to his move, he's probably busy to go out on a date but I bet he's not busy if you offer to help him pack up stuff or put stuff in storage.

good luck, and don't worry. the current situation sucks, but if he really is the guy of your dreams, well, at least you met him a month before the move. you're halfway there.

also, report back if you can.
posted by matteo at 1:13 PM on August 30, 2006

This is very, very simple.

Sleep with him before he leaves. Then tell him that you'd like to keep in touch while he's gone. Then, if the 'keeping in touch' is going well, ask via email or whatever whether he'd be interested in a visit. If he says yes, visit him.
posted by bingo at 1:30 PM on August 30, 2006

Just make sure your every contact is fun, and take an interest in what he's doing, show your interest by asking intelligently about the things he tells you, wish him a fun time abroad and do not be clingy. Then, at some point, arrange to go out to where he is and see him (best of all of course if he invites you, which he may do if he has fun with you). He should be pleased to see you, even if he has hooked up with someone else. I have expressed myself badly but you get the idea.
posted by londongeezer at 4:34 PM on August 30, 2006

As someone who recently moved (twice), keep in mind that relocating for an extended period of time is a Very Stressful process. So, you can pick your choice of the advice given thus far (I'd agree with not overdoing the "You're the most wonderful man on EARTH"), but just remember to go easy, and that even if he gets what you're getting it, you might not get the immediate reaction you want, because moving makes everyone crazy and distracted all the time.

At least that's how it was for me. Best of luck! And make sure to report back and let us know what goes down.
posted by Zephyrial at 5:50 PM on August 30, 2006